About passing and the acceptance from SOs

[Valery L]

Do you think it is easier to be accepted (and encouraged) by your SO if you look passable enough?

I do not know if this question has been asked before but I am interested in your answers. Personally, I think that might be somewhat true. I have the impression that if some hypothetical crossdresser can look pretty good dressed as a woman, the effort is evident and might be taken as something positive. Also, the image of a man making a ridicule representation of a woman and all the possible "offence" behind it, does not exist when that person actually looks and behaves like a "regular" woman. And also I think that the idea that the hypothetical crossdresser is simply some kind of pervert would not make much sense. I do not know how to interpret this, but in my personal experience with female friends, when I ask them about if they would be interested in someone like me, some of them have answered that if I look as good as in some pictures that I have shown them, then it might trigger some internal lesbian desires (even when they are hetero, or "hetero", I do not know), or they do not know why but they might consider it.

Also, and I think this might be another question, I do not know if maybe the acceptance might be related with the appearance of the hypothetical crossdresser. I think that if the crossdresser is kind of androgynous as a male, the possibility of being accepted by the SO is greater since initially she was attracted to some feminine features of him. Perhaps acceptance is harder when the crossdresser is so masculine looking in male mode and the contrast when he crossdresses is so big, in comparison with an androgynous crossdresser which does not change too much after dressing. I know that every case is different, but might it be true for a significant number of cases?, do you think there might be a pattern?

Best regards.

[Jenniferathome]

Some of your thoughts border on pure fantasy. Straight women want men and straight men want women. The idea that women have some "tendency" toward lesbianism is just male fantasy.

Now, on your question about greater acceptance if one were "passable," no, that does't matter. While it can make being out easier, wives accept us because they love us not because they like seeing us as a woman.

[Joan58]

Well put Jennifer. My wife loves me, our family and our home. As do I, She allows me to pursue this interest of mine because of that. Seeing me dressed up I am sure was never a fantasy of hers.

Joan

[Lana Mae]

Some tendency towards Lesbianism means they are bisexual not heterosexual!!! Women tend to love the person and the first impression of gender. Anything else tends to freak them out!! As you said every case is different and I do not believe there is any pattern evolving from this!! Just my 2 cents!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Meghan4now]

Hmm, a good question to which as the CD in the equation I am not qualified to answer.

Before you jump the gun, Jenn, I could fathom some potential amount of acceptability being driven by the "passability" factor. I think that possibly if the husband can do a better job, and not stick out like a sore thumb, then one or two of a wife's worries may be lessened. Primarily fear of standing out , being ridiculed or mistreated in public, or just the incongruent "ick" factor of certain male characteristics showing through. Beer belly, dark shadow, heavy brow. But I think this would be very dependant upon the individual wife.

Acceptability does not have to be sexual driven. That's a whole other side issue. (It COULD happen, however remotely)

I think it is a great question that I would love to hear our esteemed GG members chime in on!

[AllieSF]

I agree with you Meghan. If a CD has a hard time passing, the "what will other people think of "him", and additionally of me for being with him?" This goes back to people being more concerned what other people think than of the facts of the specific situation, and that goes for males and females. Blend better and for a somewhat accepting potential partner of SO, that may take away that other fear of really sticking out in a crowd and the general public when she is with "him" as a female. I am not saying this applies to everyone, but mostly to some of those that may be more tolerating and hopefully even accepting. However, that being said, I could also see the possibility that she may then start worrying about him attracting men and possible sexual encounters.

It is a very complicated situation. In the big picture what Jennifer says is probably closer to the general truth. In your case, you blend/pass very well and are one of those rare TG's (umbrella term) where you may be able to experience some of the possible female reactions to you. Either way, you have been doing a very good job of being yourself and your natural physical gifts and your dressing capabilities really help a lot.

[Meghan4now]

Allie,

I hope that last part is directed to the OP! I think she has it down pat. Jenn is no slouch either. As for myself, I think I can do ok some of the time, but I still think I am only a bit blendy. My Fred Flintstone shadow doesn't help.

And yes I also agree that doing too good a job could have its own set of issues with the wife. Maybe a jealousy issue, like an insecure husband of a knockout wife?

[AllieSF]

Sorry Meghan, the last part was for Valery, not that you don't look very good in your pictures. I think that there are so many different thoughts going through a SO's and even a friendly GG's mind that it would be hard to truly nail it down very much. Add in how the MtF looks and comes together when in female mode, it can get complicated.

[Teresa]

Valery,
To answer your first question in my case it doesn't apply because my wife doesn't want to see me dressed.

My experience of dressing with a woman and the effect goes back before I married, my GF wasn't turned on because of any lesbian tendencies , she just realised how much it turned me on so she still encouraged it for her own ends as well.

It doesn't matter how big or small you are in male mode, most partners just say they want the man they married.

Since going out socially the whole question of passing has faded for me, it's not the important issue anymore, it was the realisation that I was finally satisfying my inner needs, feeling comfortable in your own skin, maybe finding out that the World doesn't end and people are accepting.

[TinaMc]

TBH, my wife has said she understands the "man in a dress" thing more than the effort to pass as a female. I think she would understand it more in terms of why I like to dress if I just liked to dress and not try to present as a female. So no, it's completely opposite for us anyway.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't know, because I don't pass. But my own opinion is that what either consciously or subconsciously upsets our mates greatly, is the feeling of loss of their masculine SO, as well as any insecurities connected to that. Once seen as less than masculine, they can lose any attraction they have for us, eventually disrupting sexual desire, and then potentially altering any love they feel for us, from romantic to platonic. Once we're no longer felt to be their lover, they may seek to replace that role with a different, and once again, a different, masculine, male. And that can be the end of the marriage if she still is drawn to a sexual relationship if she is no longer sexually turned on by her husband any longer.

[ReineD]

I agree with most of the comments in this thread.

It is easy for me to go out with my SO dressed because my SO does not present an exaggerated image of a woman. My SO dresses like other GGs in their 50s, she has her own natural (now greying) hair, wears minimal makeup and wears breast forms in a modest size appropriate for my SO’s torso. My SO’s beard is grey now so there is no dark beard shadow to cake over with makeup, which is a plus. There are no high heels (very few women in our neck of the woods wear them) and no short skirts (few women in their 50s wear them). If my SO were to give into wearing these things, we’d be read right off the bat which would make our outings awkward.

In terms of mannerisms, my SO walks, moves and eats just the same as in guy mode. There is no exaggerated wiggle, no extended pinkie, no giggles or fluttering of eyelashes or any other type of mannerism that new CDers might adopt. Thank goodness. BTW, men and women don’t walk or eat all that differently. I’d say that other than models who sashay down the runway, or cowboys just getting off a horse, most people have a fairly neutral walk. The minute a CDer puts on fake mannerisms, it shows.

So yes, an absence of contrived appearance and fake mannerisms is a huge help in making me feel more comfortable when we go out.

Am I more or less attracted to my SO when she is dressed? My answer to that is neutral. I love my SO just the same whether presenting as male or female because it is my SO’s inner self that I love. As to your point about being androgynous vs male vs female, honestly most men look male (including my SO when in guy mode), most women look female, and very few people have a physical appearance that makes it difficult for others to tell whether they are male or female. Very few people are truly androgynous, in fact I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone whose sex confounded me. At the same time, I don't see any huge differences in general behaviors or the types of things that men and women talk about - for example I talk about current events, politics, work issues, personal interests, and general family matters with both my male and female friends so I don't know what you mean about someone being more male or more androgynous other than the way they present. Anyway, as long as a CDer attires himself in such a way as to not stand out as a CDer while out, then he will pass under most people’s radars because there will be nothing that will make others stare and then notice he is not a GG. Having said this, most people who do interact with my SO directly for any length of time do know that she is not a GG. Almost no CDer can pass as a GG up close, under the best of circumstances.


… then it might trigger some internal lesbian desires (even when they are hetero, or "hetero", I do not know), or they do not know why but they might consider it.

I think this is fantasy. I and most of the GGs I know who are involved with CDers love our SOs and accept them (to various degrees), without being lesbian. We are not attracted to other women. We have had some GG members who were bi, and frankly they experienced difficulties with acceptance at the same rate as hetero GGs. Some bi women and hetero women accept fairly easily, and some bi women and hetero women don't. And of all the GGs who have joined this forum in the almost 10 years I've been here, if there was one who identified as lesbian I missed it. lol. Lesbian women partner with other women who don't tend to crossdress and so they wouldn't be members here.

Edit
... But when you say "trigger some internal lesbian desires", if you mean that some women might be more into you sexually if you dress normally rather than as a fetish CDer or a CDer who has not perfected the appearance, I suppose this depends on how open minded is your GG and how much she is into you to begin with. We've had a lot of GG members in new relationships with CDing boyfriends who reported exciting sexual relationships and honestly I don't think it made any difference how their boyfriends dressed in bed. Wives who have been married a while though don't tend to find any type of CDing in bed particularly exciting (not like brand new girlfriends), although some wives can certainly have sex while their husbands are dressed. I dare say that some GGs know that being dressed is exciting for the boyfriend/husband and when this happens, it can also be of benefit for the GG. :) On the other hand, some wives get turned off the idea that their husbands might be more aroused when dressed than just being aroused by their wives. Still, no matter how a CDer dresses, if he has a penis and uses it then the GG he is with will likely not take it she is having lesbian sex.

[Jeri Ann]

Hey Valery,
When I was in my twenties, my wife then could not accept my presenting female at all because, in her mind, I was prettier than she was. I didn't think so, she was a gorgeous woman. However, it was a deal breaker and I had to go into stealth mode. The answer to your question will depend on the uniqueness of the acceptor and the presenter.
Jeri

[Pat]

In a way I think you can apply the standards for any activity -- yes, if you look really good doing it, it's a plus: if you look really good playing tennis for example, people will be more accepting of your tennis fixation. But it's only a plus -- if you're a horrible player that will overwhelm the impression.

The thing that gives the best result, in my opinion, is to be happy. If you're enjoying yourself people accept almost anything. Even a crappy tennis player gets acceptance and encouragement if they're clearly having a good time. If you can show your spouse how happy crossdressing makes you, I think that will count for more than being able to pass for Brittany Spears. If you're happy you treat yourself better and you treat the people around you better and everyone will look forward to seeing you walk in the room. (IMHO)

Edit: A final thought -- looks fade; a good personality lasts forever. ;)

[deebra]

Valerie, very good post, you make some very good points and I agree with Meghan's thread. Let's face it, women when presenting as their best are very desirable, generally speaking much more so than the average guy. None of us are completely hetero, we all have some testosterone and estrogen and when thrown in a certain situation we or in this post women just might be compelled to try something new. And I agree with your premise that when a woman in her sexual prime would see a very femininely attractive crossdresser and knowing what the payout would be down below would want to try it; you know, if you don't try it you'll never know, better to try it and see if you like it than spending the rest of your life wondering and if you did like it it could take you down a whole new road of pleasure. That said I can see some GG's that are attracted to pretty women but enjoy what a male brings trying a more advanced CD that has had surgery to acquire breasts and other female attributes but has kept his plumbing (site won't let me use that word, s**m***).

And yes to the other question, if a CD presents as a very passable feminine woman I can see how a female mate would be more accepting. Why not, it would be like two girlfriends shopping plus having a husband, couldn't two be possibly better than just one?

You, Meghan and texgirl are all very passable and could fill the roll described above.

- - - Updated - - -

Valerie I also agree with your last paragraph, as a CD and presenting so very feminely passable when you start looking for a mate you just might want to look for a female that likes her male with feminine attributes.

[Jenniferathome]

... While it can make being out easier, ...


...It is easy for me to go out with my SO dressed because my SO does not present an exaggerated image of a woman. ...

Again, being easier to go out is not the same as acceptance. A wife can accept and never go out with her husband, can go out and actually NOT accept his cross dressing, or can accept Sasquatch in a dress.

So Reine, if your husband was not flying under the radar: short skirt, exaggerated mannerisms, etc, 1) would you still go out with him? and 2) would you still accept him?

[Meghan4now]

Accepting is also not the same as being either attracted or encouraging. I would say the willingness to go out and be seen in public would be an extremely strong indication of acceptance, as opposed to "allowing" the husband to do his thing, but not wanting to participate, which I see as Tolerance.

It's a blurry line, and I am sure everyone's boundaries and definitions vary to some degree.

[Louise DK]

For my wife I dont think it really Matters much if I can pass or not. Shes simply not attracted to me while dressed at all, no matter what.!
I know I will never pass as a genetic woman, but on the other hand, I dont look all too bad either. But shes still only attracted to me as a man, and thats fine.:)
Even though it does absolutely nothing for her, she still accepts my crossdressing.

Louise.

[Jenniferathome]

What I read from the OP is that a man who is "more passable" is more likely to be accepted by his wife.

On this point, I completely disagree. Did I misread the OP?

[Stephanie47]

I keep my dressing private. Totally private. A long time ago (three decades) I realized trying to gain some acceptance of my desire to wear women's clothing by my wife was futile. More than futile. It bordered on "mental spousal abuse." The final straw to me was going to Mervyn's to buy me some panties. It was absolute torture for my wife. She was actually shaking. I had enough sense to not probe, but, I do have some inkling of the reason for her disapproval. Needless to say she married me as a man. There were many guys interested in her, and, all were straight masculine men...me included.

Maybe when we were first married I would have been passable if I had a well applied makeup job. I was six foot and 175 pounds with a 38-30-36 figure and skin that was not aging yet, and, blond wavy hair. That still would not have made my interest in women's clothing any more accepting.

I've read many posts over the years of women who are supportive of their husband's cross dressing desires and have counseled her husband that the visual is very very masculine. The wife's concern is for her husband's physical and emotional security, not whether she is turned on by the prospect of some lesbian type sexual adventure with her. There are some ladies on this site who really really look terrific, and, are 100% passable. Not me! If I looked like those beautifully made up women, I'd be out and about on a daily basis. I would conjecture, if a husband was 100% passable, maybe a wife would be willing to be in his female presence because she loves her "man" and is willing to make "him" happy. But, I can only assume "she" is not invited into the marital bed.

My wife has 0% interest in a cross dressing husband.

[CynthiaD]

I found that my wife became more tolerant of my dressing when I began wearing a wig full time. The wig makes me look much more feminine. We don't talk much about dressing, so it's hard to be sure. But my interpretation is that when I made no effort to look feminine, my wife interpreted it as making fun of femininity. When I make the effort, it's more like I'm showing my respect for femininity (which is actually the truth.)

[Nikki A.]

I can only speak for myself. My wife would tolerate the dressing only to a point. When I crossed the line and looked too fem she went into shut down mode. One of her triggers were when I put on a bra and had breasts and wearing make up. That made her feel that she was losing me to a fantasy woman (me) and how could she compete with a fantasy. No matter what I said, that was her breaking point.

[StephanieJ]

When I was married, my wife straight up told me that she could have been more accepting if I made a more convincing woman. My humble opinion however is that while being passable probably does not improve marital relations, it does help when moving about in society.

[Holtzman83]

I already had some good experiences under my belt encountering & learning about gender identity & expression before I met my husband or knew of his CD desires.

It makes the most sense to me that already being exposed to a non-binary gender construct would be a primary cause in a wife's journey to acceptance.

And oh, yeah, love. 😜 I would love my husband's face off his face! Love that face right off, slap a new face right on. Love that face off. It's a love face-off! Lol!

[Dana44]

My SO tries to help me pass on going out. But I put on my own makeup but she may change my hair and make it more girly. She says that people see what they want to see and that has been very apparent out and about. So, if one is a girl then they are viewed as such. So, I do try to pass. But in male mode I do get maimed sometimes.

[Teresa]

Cynthia,
You raise an interesting point and it's one I posed to me wife. I asked if I did it in stages what point would she want me to stop, what would be her cut off point, or would she prefer to see me fully dressed with wig and makeup ? I still received the same answer of not at all ! The comment you make about not being fully dressed may come over as making fun of femininity, it's why I find it hard to understand CDers who dress but still have a beard and go out in public like that, it's such a confusing message for the public at accept, I may not dress to pass but I couldn't stand the obvious stares and comments you would get by presenting in that way.

[ReineD]

So Reine, if your husband was not flying under the radar: short skirt, exaggerated mannerisms, etc, 1) would you still go out with him? and 2) would you still accept him?

Yes, of course I'd still accept him. I would probably still go out with my SO to LGBT safe places and our gender support group, but maybe not in the mainstream.

And I agree with you that being passable has little effect on how much a spouse/girlfriend accepts her CDer if she loves him. Dressing is dressing, no matter the style, the CDer's physiognomy, or his ability, in my opinion. If a CDer doesn't pass, the couple would simply adjust the frequency and location of their outings (if they go out together at all).



When I was in my twenties, my wife then could not accept my presenting female at all because, in her mind, I was prettier than she was.

If your ex-wife told you that she could not accept the CDing because you were prettier than her, IMO she hadn't reached deep enough down into her own feelings to figure out what her real issues were ... which was likely that she was not happy with her own body image. Was there a weight problem by any chance? Or was your style significantly different than hers (more girly or frillier) and did she believe that you stood out? Your ex-wife might also have had other objections she didn't want to admit to herself, such as fearing that others would find out about the CDing, or maybe she felt threatened because she felt you got something out of the dressing that you didn't get from her. And all of those things might have roiled around below the surface and might have made it difficult for her to know precisely why she objected to the crossdressing. In any case, adult women aren't as a rule jealous of other women just because of their looks (we're not that superficial), although this sort of thing may happen in middle school.


That said I can see some GG's that are attracted to pretty women but enjoy what a male brings trying a more advanced CD that has had surgery to acquire breasts and other female attributes but has kept his plumbing

Deebra, I like you and think you are a very nice person, but honestly I think that you live in a fantasy world that is all your own. There might be a few GGs around who are sexually into who you want to be, but I'm guessing that finding her would be like finding a needle in a haystack. Trans-admirers or other CDers are into the sorts or individuals you describe, not GGs as a rule.

[Jeri Ann]

Reine, most certainly there were other, underlying issues. No, there was not a weight problem. She was beautiful. Probably most of the issues you mentioned came into play. Low self esteem was probably the biggest.

I could present very well but never dressed in a way that was out of place for any situation. Thanks for your insight.

Jeri

[Holtzman83]

Trans-admirers or other CDers are into the sorts or individuals you describe, not GGs as a rule.

Not sure how relevant this is but it keeps popping up in my thoughts regarding the conversation on sexual leanings of genetic hetero identifying females in this thread. And it's a topic that fascinates me.

But an article the Telegraph put out last year has been making the rounds again in social media. Basically science has got statistical evidence to support a vast majority of women are turned on by the female form and those numbers don't correlate to men. Which is NOT to say a vast majority of hetero women can or even want to partner with both sexes. It just means there is evidence to suggest a vast majority of hetero identifying women are turned on by both the female and male form. And for some reason the statistical evidence does not correlate the same pattern in hetero identifying men. The article is IMO haphazardly titled "Women are either bisexual or gay but never straight." I have been googling trying to find if there was an update to this this study and that's why a year old article is making the rounds again. But haven't yet found any more supporting or refuting evidence that has been written about and published.

[Krisi]

As males, I don't think any of us are qualified to answer your questions. We have a response from one female and I think she is qualified to answer and if I interpret her answer correctly, she is saying that she is more comfortable being out in public with her crossdressing male partner because she dresses appropriately and looks more like a woman than an obvious crossdresser.

Although, I ruled out myself from answering this question (because I am a male), in my opinion, it is more likely that a typical female will accept a crossdressing husband or boyfriend if he is relatively passable. That is to say he doesn't look like a clown or Hulk Hogan in drag.

Just my opinion of course.

[Pat]

But an article the Telegraph put out last year has been making the rounds again in social media. Basically science has got statistical evidence to support a vast majority of women are turned on by the female form and those numbers don't correlate to men.

Actually that's been a watchword of advertising for as long as I've been alive. "Men like to look at women and women like to look at women." is how it was taught in school. However, it's not sexual, it's aesthetic.

Men have a selection bias in deciding if there's a sexual motive in play -- they see sex everywhere and they try to explain everything they can in terms of sex. And they tell themselves the most ridiculous fantasies. Not just Penthouse Forum, but even when convincing themselves that women in the office "enjoy" being ogled or a random stranger who is presenting well must be doing it to attract men (and by extension them.) It's a massive blind spot and whenever you find yourself going there for an explanation you should really, really check your facts and assumptions.

[Holtzman83]

Actually that's been a watchword of advertising for as long as I've been alive. ... It's a massive blind spot and whenever you find yourself going there for an explanation you should really, really check your facts and assumptions.

The headline of the article is for sure click bait. I agree it's sad how scientific studies when written about for the general public consumption are dumbed down.

Personally, I still think being comfortable or having been exposed to non binary is the best indicator for acceptance.

[ReineD]

But an article the Telegraph put out last year has been making the rounds again in social media. Basically science has got statistical evidence to support a vast majority of women are turned on by the female form and those numbers don't correlate to men. Which is NOT to say a vast majority of hetero women can or even want to partner with both sexes. It just means there is evidence to suggest a vast majority of hetero identifying women are turned on by both the female and male form. And for some reason the statistical evidence does not correlate the same pattern in hetero identifying men. The article is IMO haphazardly titled "Women are either bisexual or gay but never straight." I have been googling trying to find if there was an update to this this study and that's why a year old article is making the rounds again. But haven't yet found any more supporting or refuting evidence that has been written about and published.

Here’s the Telegraph article about the Essex study (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/11977121/Women-are-either-bisexual-or-gay-but-never-straight.html) where 345 women (both lesbians and hetero women) became aroused by images of both men and women. The study claims that women are either bisexual or gay, but never straight.

My immediate reaction to this is that men are more rigorously socialized to be homophobic than women so it’s no surprise they would shut down their sexual response when witnessing male-on-male sex or a buff male body.

But, here are a few articles that suggest why we cannot use the Essex study as an indication that most women are inherently bi:

http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/sexwithtimaree/Dr-Timaree-Debunking-the-study-that-says-straight-women-dont-exist.html

https://mic.com/articles/128000/the-truth-about-women-and-same-sex-attraction-is-more-complicated-than-we-think#.q4NSOVd2D

http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/study-suggests-women-are-all-bisexual-or-gay-almost-never-straight/

http://jezebel.com/5015942/are-all-women-a-little-bi-in-a-word-no

In a nutshell, the Essex research base their findings on pupil dilation and they overlook the complexity of female sexuality. Women are indeed much more fluid in their sexual arousal than men for multitude reasons, but this is not an indication of their actual sexual attraction. A true indication of bisexuality in my opinion is an ability to have sustained sexual/romantic relationships with either men or women.

Also, based on what I’ve seen in this forum and in my personal life, an ability to be attracted to both men and women for someone who is truly bi does not guarantee an ability to accept gender nonconformity. We’ve had hetero and bi women here say they easily accepted the CDing, and hetero and bi women who said they didn’t. A friend of mine was in a live-in, romantic relationship with another woman for 10 years and she is now married to a man (who does not crossdress) and so I consider this friend truly bi. She told me she is not attracted to men who present as a women - she considers that such men are different than women.

There are also GG partners of CDers who happily consider themselves bi because the CDing does not negatively impact their sex life with their CD boyfriend or spouse, yet these GGs would not have sex with another GG and would not be able to be in a romantic relationship with one. When I first joined here I also thought I might be bi because I was attracted to my SO sexually whether in guy or girl mode, even though I’ve never been attracted to other GGs. It just took me a while to work out my definition of bisexuality. :)

[Jenniferathome]

I was going to write that we shouldn't trust the Essex survey because it's nuts. But I guess data is not too bad either.

[Krisi]

"Data" or "scientific studies" can be manipulated to support or refute anything.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Valery

My wife is acutely aware of how she and I are perceived in social settings. She loves to get dressed up when we go out, and in guy mode I try to dress to impress because I know she likes it. My wife is Latina, and in her home country appearance is generally considered important. Note "generally" because this obviously doesn't apply to everyone. From what I have observed, there is subtle competition among my wife's Latina friends about appearances, even here in the States.

If my wife ever gets to the point where she accepts seeing me fully made up as a woman, I'm certain she would want me to blend or pass as much as I possibly could. But her driver for that wouldn't be any sort of lesbian tendency, it would be to avoid social embarrassment, and possibly to protect me from ridicule.

In your case, based on your pics you look very much like an attractive woman. I suspect you could easily attract a lesbian or bi woman. A bi woman might like your androgyny and ability to present in both genders, while the lesbian would certainly encourage you to be as passable as possible, and probably transition to live 24/7 as a woman.

I'll never have that hypothetical problem--I will always look like a guy in a dress. But I try! ;)

[leannejacobs]

Similar to Texgirl, my wife will sit quite comfortably in Leanne's company but I know there is a degree of jealousy, in her younger days my wife had a fantastic figure, three kids and 20 odd years later, it's a distant memory, my dressing style is all legs waist, booty and boob accentuating, I have no desire to rub her nose in it but it's what I like, she's not said anything but I can tell, that said she does like my dress sense/style.

[ReineD]

Similar to Texgirl, my wife will sit quite comfortably in Leanne's company but I know there is a degree of jealousy, in her younger days my wife had a fantastic figure, three kids and 20 odd years later, it's a distant memory, my dressing style is all legs waist, booty and boob accentuating, I have no desire to rub her nose in it but it's what I like, she's not said anything but I can tell, that said she does like my dress sense/style.

Not to keep commenting on the "jealousy" claims, but you do perceive that your wife has some misgivings and so what do you think drives them. Do you really think she resents you for being skinner, or sexier, or prettier like a middle-school girl might, or do you think that the fact that you choose to dress like that reinforces the fact that she no longer has that body yet your preferences are obviously for the women who do have that body and dress like that (you did say you like what she is not - legs, waist, booty and boob-accentuating) ... and so do you think this might make her feel as if in your eyes, she is not as sexually appealing as she was once - even though she knows that the two of you are emotionally bonded.

[CherylFlint]

No doubt, but that’s just what I think.
I do know that my wife goes out of her way to help me “pass” when we go out.
She has told me she’d rather look at a nice looking woman then “a guy wearing a dress”.
And so she “helps” me to “pass”.
Recently, the last year she’s been “sowing me off” to her friends, which is fine with me.
One time we met her friend for lunch. My wife introduced me as her friend Cheryl and that I had laryngitis.

[char GG]

Just my opinion, but I think some CDers fantasy is that their SO's are jealous - or the CDer looks better than their SO's. The CDers that I know put a lot of time and effort into trying to look like a woman. The result is sometimes nice, sometimes overdone, sometimes to the point of standing out like a Pokeman figure. However, if an SO spent the same amount of time getting dolled up, she would look great.

I also think that if a CDer blended, rather than stand out, an SO may be more comfortable - acceptance is another story.

[Valery L]

There are some cases where the crossdresser looks better than his SO. Maybe it is not the rule, but it might happen, so the jealously argument can be true. Yes, we are men, so obtaining a female appearance normally requires a lot of effort, we do not have a choice. However, it does not mean that any women putting the same effort will always look better, that might not be the case, there are crossdressers that simply have very beautiful features. Consequently, I think it is possible that in some cases the spouse might be jealous of her crossdressing partner.

[Jenniferathome]

Here's what I know: I have never seen a couple where the woman is not better looking than the man. Never. My wife is better looking than me, and every other couple I know is the same. In fact in almost every instance, the woman is more trim. No wife/girlfriend can be "jealous" that the cross dresser is somehow better looking than they. A woman's femininity is never challenged by a cross dresser.

[char GG]

Yes Valery, anything is possible.

I'll keep watching.

[Krisi]

........ In fact in almost every instance, the woman is more trim......

You've never been to West Virginia, have you?

Seriously, I personally have known several married couples where the female was way overweight (300 lb +) and the male was a normal weight for his size. And of course, some were the other way around.

I do think tough that the claim that a wife thinks her crossdressing husband is "prettier" than her is pretty much BS. She might say it but she doesn't mean it. My wife once commented that a certain skirt looked better on me than it would on her. I know she didn't mean it, she just doesn't like wearing skirts for some reason.

[Tina_gm]

Of course at some point a CDer may be more attractive presenting as a woman than their partner is. Eye of the beholder of course..... Some males, CDers or not may actually be generally more fem in their overall mannerisms than some natal females.... (I am not implying I am one of them btw) But just saying that at some point this stuff does happen.

Are those women jealous, or could they be? eh, probably only to the point of how they feel about themselves and other women, if it matters or how much it matters to them. An overweight GG spouse to a man who is not overweight, he is already wearing clothing that is smaller than her clothing, so I don't think there would be any additional issues if he CD's and wears smaller sizes, that is already a given.

I do think there is likely a lot of CD fantasy about their wife being jealous because the CDer presents as a more attractive woman. Or that they are more attractive for that matter. as for the greater acceptance and any sexuality issues----------

I think it can go in any number of directions about CDers who present well. For a GG spouse, I can see how it may be easier to be in public with a CD partner who presents well and does not draw a lot of attention. But I can also see how it might go the other way, maybe not in a public issue, but that their "husband" can make an attractive woman, or a convincing woman. Maybe their transformation is so good that they may feel more detached??? And then of course the other way as well.

I have seen several comments from GG's about how the wig seems to be a sticking point. Or make up. Seems to be moreso than the clothing for many. But I have also seen a few comments on how it becomes easier to see them after the transformation is complete. The process is hard to deal with for some, or a midway point. So I can only say that it is a situation based on an individual and their own ways of feeling and reacting. We all are so different.

Regardless of how good the CDer looks, I don't think a GG's sexuality is or can be altered because of it. Those who say they are attracted to their CD partner when they are dressed are so I am assuming simply because they are attracted to the person period. On some rare occasions, there are GG's who do prefer their husband to dress. Whether that is due to their sexuality or not, IDK. I guess we can only ask those who do feel that way why they feel that way.

It seems like the most common responses to how GG partners feel about their CD partners is that there is NOT a sexual attraction, but they roll with it out of love.

[leannejacobs]

Not to keep commenting on the "jealousy" claims, but you do perceive that your wife has some misgivings and so what do you think drives them. Do you really think she resents you for being skinner, or sexier, or prettier like a middle-school girl might, or do you think that the fact that you choose to dress like that reinforces the fact that she no longer has that body yet your preferences are obviously for the women who do have that body and dress like that (you did say you like what she is not - legs, waist, booty and boob-accentuating) ... and so do you think this might make her feel as if in your eyes, she is not as sexually appealing as she was once - even though she knows that the two of you are emotionally bonded.

ReineD, Sorry you seem to have picked me up in a manner that makes me sound unfeeling, this isn't what I'd planned, my dress sense is something she's always known I like, the fact that I'm more shapely than her is not something I can change short of placing some padding round me, I love her to bits and she knows that, yes I wish she could be inspired to go on a diet, she has never even attempted to loose weight but it's entirely up to her, I love her regardless, the jealousy was evident at the start, shortly after coming out to her, not so much now she's used to seeing me dressed, I don't think she resents me, I'm like any other man regards my likes, "legs, waist, booty and boobs", only difference being I like them on me lol, we have a strong loving relationship and if she had a problem with something she would let me know, sharpish, I in turn would do what I could to alleviate said problem.

[ReineD]

ReineD, Sorry you seem to have picked me up in a manner that makes me sound unfeeling

Leanne, I was trying to point out that what you think is jealousy, is something entirely different.

I'm suggesting that your wife is not jealous of the way you look in the same way that middle-school girls might be jealous of one another. I'm suggesting that if your wife is unhappy when she sees you dressed, it is because through your choice of presentation, you make it abundantly clear to her that you prefer the "all legs, waist, booty, and boob accentuating" look on women (this is what you said you like), which is decidedly not who your wife is. So effectively, your choice of presentation alone tells your wife that you prefer women who look different than who she is and what she looks like. Does this make any sense?

Of course you cannot help the fact that you are skinnier than her and I am not suggesting that you put on weight. I'm only suggesting that you place less emphasis on the things that men find sexy (legs, waist, booty and boobs), and instead just dress to blend like any regular GG. If you do this, you might find that your wife will be in a better mood when you dress.


There are some cases where the crossdresser looks better than his SO.

Look better in whose eyes? Everyone's, or just the CDer's.

Men have a variety of tastes. Many of the CDers here give me the impression they like the type of beautiful women found in clothing catalogs and in the media or as with Leanne above, women who show off their legs, waists, booties and boobs. But some men prefer the girl-next-door look with no makeup and just a pair of jeans. Other men actually prefer "big girls" (there are entire websites devoted to this). My SO is an academic and he prefers the intellectual type (evidence of intelligence turns him on more than what a woman wears). And some men really like the athletic type. These are just a few examples but there are all types of women out there in all different shapes and sizes that men find attractive.

I disagree with the CDers who believe that their personal tastes must by default be everyone else's too, and if their wives don't look like them it means the wife is not as attractive.


You've never been to West Virginia, have you?

Seriously, I personally have known several married couples where the female was way overweight (300 lb +) and the male was a normal weight for his size.

Yes, this does happens. So to be fair, a thin CDer should never compare himself to a heavy GG even if he is married to her. If he wants to know how he compares on the "more attractive" scale, he should compare himself to a thin GG who has put as much time and money into her presentation as he did. :D

The most accurate thing a CDer with an overweight wife can say if he wants to compare himself to her is, "I am thinner than my wife" and not "I am more attractive than my wife". Or, "I put in 2 hours and $200 into my look today, while my wife combed her hair and put on a pair of jeans".

Please people, just compare apples with apples.

[leannejacobs]

Hi ReineD, yes that's a bit clearer now, I understand where you're coming from, just to reaffirm, this feeling I got from my wife was just at the beginning of my outing myself to her and the first viewing of me being fully dressed in front of her, I wouldn't say I've had any negative vibes since, perhaps only when something new appears out of my wardrobe lol, sounds bad but she knows I've always had a wandering eye and knows only too well what I find attractive, through the process of outing myself to her, I made it abundantly clear that none of it makes the slightest difference to how I feel about her, both physically or emotionally, I'd say she's as accepting as one can be and now seems happy with our situation, "if it ain't broke don't fix it" is my feeling, she's happy so I'll continue the way things are at the moment, I'll bare in mind what you've said though if any situation arises regards the way I dress, thanks, Leanne.

[Tina_gm]

I think CDers need to be mindful of what GG's are probably thinking in terms of actually being more attractive. As well as people in general. Yes, WE can put on all kinds of make up, false eye lashes, wigs, shapewear, 5inch heels.... The only thing that is real is the pain from wearing the heels. The rest of it is all is an illusion of a woman. So how do any of us really look as compared to them in the morning with none of that on??? or even if we are wearing some female clothing but not much else?? Beauty is only skin deep...For most of us, its only what we put over it.

[Alice_2014_B]

From one with an accepting and supportive wife:
She says I look passable in person.
And I have no feminine attributes of my normal guy-self.
I am enjoying reading the various responses on here too.
:)