Dressing etiquette for clubs?

[Dawn Charles]

I am the SO of a CDer. He slowly came out to me over the course of a few years, first with wearing my panties, followed by my bras and occasionally my nightgowns. In the last couple of years he has become comfortable enough to fully dress in lingerie, undergarments, stockings and occasionally heels. I accept that dressing makes him feel good, helps him with stress and is just the way he is. I know that dressing makes him happy at times and because of that I am good with it and even encourage him to dress sometimes because I can tell he is down. No one else knows about his dressing. He has days where it really bothers him and he is very hard on himself about it, he also suffers from very severe depression and anxiety. He is basically housebound unless I take him places. I have tried to help him understand that there is more crossdressing out there than he thinks. I have offered to take him to a crossdressing club hoping that it would help him to feel better about himself and help him to realize that there is nothing "wrong" with him. We also have hopes that he may strike up a friendship with someone with similar interests and he could have someone other than me that he can confide in and discuss all the questions he has about dressing. Today he asked me what the etiquette for dress is for a CD club or bar. This tells me he is seriously considering it, which I am more than happy to oblige and take him to one... but the question we need help with is this...are there rules as to what he should or should not wear? Is it alright for him to go fully in men's clothes to experience the atmosphere, should he only go if he is willing to dress? One other part of this is that he has never worn daytime female clothes...only nightwear so far and he has never gone out in public dressed.
How do I make this a good experience for him?
Thank you for any help you can provide.

[docrobbysherry]

First, Dawn, there r no set rules. I was at a T club event Sat. nite. About 500 T's and friends attended. The dress ran from crass, trashy to classy, below the knee, conservative, evening dresses. With body types in those outfits running the gamut from 250 lb. linerbackers to slim, long necked fashion models.

I like your idea of visiting the club u r thinking of visiting with him dressed, in male mode before hand. He will feel much more comfortable that way. Then, u both can chat with other dressers and ask them for pointers.

I also suggest u have him visit here. This site has helped 1000's of closet dressers come out and we get unlimited support and helpful suggestions from girls that have been there and done that!:battingeyelashes:

[Teresa]

Dawn,
I can only speak from my own social group, but no there is no dress rules,apart from no fetish dressing but that is a very loose interpretation . Some do attend in drab most dress fairly sensibly maybe some hemlines are short I was surprised how many partners come along , we are a mixed group of CDers and TSs but we all get along .

Before he does go out maybe you should see if he wants to do it and equip him accordingly if he does, at least he has you to support him , I'm very much on my own initially it's harder , now I prefer it that way.
You need to dress him in suitable day clothes and check out skin colour for makeup, also be careful what wig you choose, that can make or break the whole image also if he hasn't worn heels , start off low and see how he copes with it, 4" is enough for me , as I usually drive in them as well.

I'm sure you may enjoy going out socially as much as he may, the partners have a wonderful time at our meetings.

[Kate Simmons]

The only thing I can suggest is that he just be himself and enjoy. :)

[josrphine]

Hi Dawn, First I'd liked to ask you is were u live. I am in Florida. Next how old is he, as I am 75 an have been a cross dresser for many years. My wife is very much like you very supportive an we go every just about as sister. I all so go out on my own, love going to the Hard Rock casino in Tampa. I am very will received, an have been able to use the women bath rm with no problem. If you are in Florida I would like to help, to show him that it can be done an for you to be able to help him adjust. Jo

[Jenniferathome]

Dawn, go to the place with him, in boy mode, and check out the atmosphere on the day and time he might go.

I'll bet you will see all kinds of cross dressers from whacky to sedate. As far as rules, I always feel that one should dress appropriately for one's age, venue, time, etc. Dress like a hooker and you will be treated like one. Also know that going to mainstream locations is as easy as anywhere else.

Good luck to you and him. It's good of you to be so understanding.

[Krisi]

Why go to a CD club or bar? Why not dress like a normal woman and go to the mall or a city park? Or downtown streets? Offer to go with him. Just two women out on the town as friends.

[Pat]

Like the others said: no rules. Except be comfortable and only do what makes you happy. If you need to do a recon in drab, do that. If you need to burst on the scene in club wear, do that. We're a large population and all of us are at different places in our lives. I think everyone understands (and encourages and supports) people just starting to explore. You're going with him, right?

As far as having people to bounce things off -- make sure he comes here to the forum. Lots of info here, lots of good folk.

[Nikki A.]

First of all do what is comfortable. If you push him too hard it may backfire. Let him dress as he wishes. In most of the clubs I have attended there is no dress code and I have dressed conservatively, casually and sometimes maybe a little more sexy depending on my mood.
Thank you for being there for him and I hope things get better.

[Connie.Marie]

Dawn,
I always go to a club in drab first to check it out. I want to see the place, see the crowd, see the bathrooms, get a feel for the atmosphere.
I started by going by myself, so I was really careful. Later I started going with others or meeting up with others there at the club.
I think you'll see by your recon that there are really no rules in most places.

Men don't really think about what their clothes say to others in the room. Help him to think through what he wants to feel like & what image she wants to project.

I always found that places with drag shows were very safe & accepting for me. Talk it over, maybe your SO would be comfortable there too.

Hope you get to the point where you both can enjoy it.

Hugs, Connie Marie

[faltenrock]

There is no real rule for dressing for a night out at a club. I've been to many many clubs and never had a problem. He should dress to feel comfortable. The style may bee sexy but should still be a normal dressing outfit. A skirt with a blouse, a dress and heels - but not too wild.

[Adriana Moretti]

Like every one has already said..its best to dress for the occasion...is it a dive bar ? or an actual fancy night club ? As long as you avoid super short skirts, over the top heels, and stockings in summer you should be fine. When I go out I always try to dress the occasion and usually looking extremely normal and blend into the enviornment...unless it is a super fancy place, then i might spice it up a bit, but even then I still keep it conservative. Luckily he has you to make sure the clothes actually FIT , and that they show off his assets, and hide his flaws....if it IS a cd/tg place and there will only be those people there, it really dosent matter, people at those events express themselves rather vividly and have not a care in the world that that skin tight mini dresss is showing off that beer belly ...

[CherylFlint]

Comfortable shoes*.
Dress as relaxed as you can get away with, meaning wear what the other girls are wearing. The clubs that I go to are Gay-Lesbian mix or a vastly higher percentage of lesbians.
On the whole, I have found that Gay guys don’t really know what to think of us crossdressers. We’re in some sort of “no man’s land”.
Anyway, most “girls” wear whatever the real lesbians wear. That means jeans or slacks. Pair of jeans and a see-through blouse or a knitted sweater is my choices; skirts and blouse at the mall.
I can pass (as long as I don’t speak, but even then I do okay) and it’s a lot of fun being taken for “the real thing”.
I’ve found that clubs that cater to lesbians are cleaner and friendlier to crossdressers.
That said, always stay safe and don’t leave your purse on the bar when going to the ladies room.
Park in well lit areas and if the hairs on the back of your neck stand-up, pay attention.
And YES, there are rules!
STAY SAFE!
[*Novice crossdressers make 3 basic mistakes:
#1. Heels too high.
#2. Bra-cup size too big.
#3. Too much make-up.
The secret in passing IS TO BLEND. The advantage of “blending” is to pass; the advantage of “passing” is to stay safe.]
ps, my wife liked your post. She wishes you "Good luck", as do I.

[NicoleScott]

On the other hand......
Cheryl, I can't disagree with anything you said. Especially good advice about staying safe.
I went to a tg-friendly club several times, the first being the scariest, of course. I went one afternoon in guy mode to check it out, talked to the bartender about crossdressers being welcome (yes), which restroom to use (either), etc. and went back that night. I didn't try to pass, but made up and dresed in my preferred over-the-top style, breaking Cheryl's tips #1 and 3, heels too high and too much makeup. That's how I dress and didn't mind being seen as the crossdresser I am. (Hey, were always being told to own it, right? I owned it.) That's why I chose such a club to visit. Had a good time, no problems at all.
Dressing to blend is fine if that's what you want to do. But I wanted to dress up my way, so I chose a place to go where I could. Blending isn't every crossdresser's goal.

[Sophie Yang]

Dawn,

From your thread, I assume that your SO doesn't have forms, pads, or a wig yet. Instead of a club, you might suggest going to a transformation service first. Explain your situation and ask them anything. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

When I started, my wife said I was on my own when it came to makeup. When I worked in San Francisco, she and a friend stayed at my apartment in San Francisco for a week. I worked from home. I made an early evening Wednesday appointment. I had planned on getting the make over, learning a little about applying make up, and heading home.

The owner knows a lot of girls and is in tune with our world. The owner put me at ease right away and allowed me to film the entire session. She suggested a make over that would work for both day and evening. Afterwards she suggested that I go to downtown Portland and meetup with a local t-girl group at a club for drinks, a little pool, and dancing. I did and had a wonderful time. The group invited me to join them at the comedy club which they go to on the first Saturday of the month. I joined the group and my wife and I still attend a number of their events. The Transformation service owner puts on three social events during the summer months which are always fun. We both have August birthday's, so my wife and I usually take her out for lunch.

The group has weekly dinners at different restaurants in Portland every Wednesday night and Friday night drinks, pool, and karaoke. Every third Saturday, the group meets at a club in Salem which is just about 50 miles south of Portland. It will be a black and white event that night. A couple of gals throw an annual BBQ which is also the third Saturday of August this year. When I have attended the BBQ there were easily 50 people in attendance. There is a golf tournament 8/28. It looks like there are 12 signed up, but the organizer has added two more foursomes and hoping for 20. The tournament is open to non-CDer's and my brother is playing, I just swing the club and chase the ball. The owner of the transformation service did a make over on a gal who had never been out and took her to the groups Halloween party. I don't recall her age, but I want to say 78. When I think of her, at 78, it always makes me smile.

My wife wasn't happy with my first set of forms. When she got back, she and I went back to the transformation service and got another set of forms and a wig. Her introduction to the group was at one of the comedy nights.

Hopefully you find what you are looking for.

Hugs,
Sophie

[Lori Kurtz]

... in my preferred over-the-top style, breaking Cheryl's tips #1 and 3, heels too high and too much makeup.

Jeez, Nicole, why not go all the way and break tip #2 too (Bra-cup size too big)? If over-the-top is the goal, aren't bigger boobs a good thing?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Dawn, welcome to the forum,

Given his very gradual self-acceptance in terms of private dressing any public moves he makes should be ultra-cautious. I can't be certain but I'd imagine any club would welcome straight dressers, your money's as good as any.

Many of us wear panties under ordinary male clothes- if he isn't doing so yet this would be a logical next step, though he may worry along the lines of 'what if I get struck by lightning and need emergency surgery'.

You don't mention whether he's been/being treated for the 'very serious depression and anxiety' but that seems of paramount importance. It's likely that childhood pressures drove the feminine part of him underground, but is that the single factor driving the depression? - possible but unlikely. More likely is that he's got a whole basket of problems, and fighting the urge to wear women's clothing is just one of them.

I believe you're right to facilitate him, as anything that relieves his stress has to be good, but have you thought this through? You don't ask some very common questions for someone in your position, eg how far will the dressing go? Will he suddenly decide he prefers men? Will he want a sex change?

Perhaps you've already browsed the forum for answers, and the short answer is nobody knows - least of all him. What I can tell you is that for the vast majority of us, it ends at dressing. Most of us are hetero, most of us are in long term committed hetero relationships, and none of us planned this- it just popped out of our subconsciouses, some from infancy, others in our 50s, 60s, 70s, or older. Embracing it means becoming more whole, more complete, and it brings deep contentment. For a very tiny number it preludes more drastic change, but most of us assimilate it into our daily lives, with or without our SO's blessing, and it remains the same as it started, a deep-seated urge to imitate women without becoming one.

Try going to large (anonymous) department stores together and looking at the women's sections. He should feel safe with you and you can explore together what kinds of fabrics, colours, styles attract him. You can even buy things and take them home for him to try on, just make sure they have a return policy. Online shopping is zero-risk of course, but much less fun.

Please encourage him to join the forum, he doesn't have to contribute unless he wants, he can just lurk quietly and absorb the atmosphere. This place is a lifeline for many of us and although debates can get heated, the moderators ensure there is fair play. He can learn so much here, in terms of self acceptance, and if he wants to extend a hand he will find people readily friendly. There's a private messaging facility once he passes 10 posts.

Best of luck to you both, I can't begin to tell you how much I respect your commitment and generosity to him.

[NicoleScott]

Jeez, Nicole, why not go all the way and break tip #2 too (Bra-cup size too big)? If over-the-top is the goal, aren't bigger boobs a good thing?

I can't explain it. I like everything OTT except boobs - average is just fine with me.

[Lori Kurtz]

Hope you're not offended, Nicole. I realize many of our sisters don't share my breast fetish. Small-breasted women can be equally hot, which is exactly what you probably are.:love:

[NicoleScott]

Not offended at all, Lori. I think those of us with fetishes, even different ones, understand each other like those without fetishes cannot. A thick skin helps tolerate backhanded comments from those who consider their crossdressing motives more pure. Hooker heels, for example, any higher than they wear. Ha.

[Tracii G]

Welcome Dawn.
Does your guy have wigs and breast forms and hip pads?
Is he trying to look like a guy in a dress or an actual female?
Wear whatever fits the venue if its a club.Basically what do people wear that go there?
If he wants to dress like a $2 dollar hooker with a short skirt and 7 in heels then politely tell him no. Why you ask? Well people will think he is a hooker and that could be trouble with bar patrons and the police if they get involved for any reason.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi Dawn,

Can I suggest a slightly different approach and look online for a group meeting near where you live. Firstly most group web pages have a picture gallery page so you can see what the range of dress styles is. Secondly as your SO hasn't been out dressed fully enfemme many groups have the facilities to dress once there so avoiding the often traumatic experience of stepping fully dressed out of the front door. It's also going to be a more controlled environment, one where you can more easily soak it all in.

[Tracii G]

Helen makes a great point find a group as in a transgender support group.
He will be way more comfortable and you as well.
Get to know a few members and they can tell you the safe places to go as far as clubs.
No sense in rushing into going out and not knowing what to expect.
At least a first trip out to a trans meeting I would say is the best idea.