I have to tell my wife next week

[DaniT]

Hello all,

This is my first post here on these forums, I elected to skip the introduction sub forum but I might post there too.

I just have to say, the community here is amazingly supportive, which is why I decided to become a member here rather than the dozens of other places that I could have sought support. You guys are amazing!

I have a long background of cross dressing, I started somewhere around 8 or 9 years old and continued right up until the end of high school. I didn't have internet then and lived in a very rural area. I had no idea how common cross dressers were. When I left high school and moved away from home I left it all behind, including the shame and fear I felt growing up in a small conservative, religious town. To be honest I just quit, didn't think about it, and I didn't worry about it. I know that over the years I remember seeing girls clothing, wanting to put it on and wondering how I would look, but I never did.

Fast forward to this year.

Sixteen years later I am a reasonably successful member of society. I've been married to the love of my life for the last four years and we've been together for nine. This is where it gets weird.

A month ago, during a period of ultra high stress for me, it all came back at once. My wife was gone for two weeks to Europe and somehow I lost my mind. I honestly went from having not dressed in sixteen years to pink landslide in one day. I couldn't even say what started it. I went from owning no female clothes to having a decent wardrobe, silicone breast forms, hip and butt pads, full make up kit, nails, eyebrows, wigs, virtually overnight. Stuff you amazon prime.

I do have some insight as to how this happened. I supervise twenty five specialized heavy equipment operators, this environment is so flooded with testosterone that you nearly slip on it walking to the lunchroom. I work twelve hour days, very often seven days a week. I have to be the absolute alpha male in this environment at all times, if I'm not, many of these guys will attempt to do whatever they please. I love my job and I'm good at it but I'm reasonably sure that my current super high stress schedule is responsible for my state of pink landslide suffocation.

I spent an entire magical week dressed as a woman after work. It took the stress away and left me relaxed and refreshed. I was revitalized and ready to go alpha male everyday at work, even though the week before I had been on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

So... after reading so many threads here and elsewhere, I know that I need to tell my wife next week when she gets home from Saskatchewan. I don't think that it is going to go away for sixteen years again. It turned out that cross dressing was so therapeutic that it allowed me to do my job calmly under maximum stress to the best of my ability.

She is a devout catholic, but also rails against the church for the lack of understanding on LGBTQ issues so it could go either way. She is very enlightened and 5 years younger than me so I am hoping for the best.

Do you think I am doing the right thing by telling her or do you think that this is going to go away again and I will be able to put it back in a box and then bury the box in the back yard?

I don't feel like it's going away this time. I'm not scared of the reality of it, other than my wife's reaction, as this has seriously never every come up in the nine years we've been together.

I have read all the threads about breaking the news to SOs already so I guess I'm not even sure why I'm typing this but what the hell.

Wish me luck?

[GaleWarning]

I reckon you should show her this post. It explains everything so well!
Good luck!

[BrendaPDX]

Dani, I feel your pain... Be strong, there is nothing wrong with you! You are go good person! Thank you for sharing. I wish you nothing but the best; breath deep, and good luck, Brenda

[jennifer0918]

Good luck Dani,I also have a alpha male job and the feeling of dressing for a night is so satisfying and relaxing without no worries of the daily grind. I myself haven't told my wife for a lot of fears but for one I fear the magic will disappear the fun will go away ?for now this is my escape.Good luck best wishes

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Dani, welcome to the forum. Your experiences have many similarities to mine and many others on here. As for telling your wife, you're in the best position to know how she will react. Many on here will regale you with successful stories of coming out but there are others where it didn't go so well. For me, after the initial shock and upset, it went well and my wife accepts this part of me. She still thinks it's weird though, but knows it makes me happy.

It's such a dilemma whether to tell or not, but I didn't want to live a lie for the rest of my life. I also felt that on balance, my wife would at least accept my dressing on a DADT basis - which I felt was better than living the lie and risking being caught. In many cases it seems that wives hate being lied to more than the dressing.

For what it's worth, my perception from reading threads on here, is the best thing is to find a quiet time and tell on your own terms. Be completely honest, answer all her questions and keep lines of communication open but don't overwhelm her with it afterwards. Remember to continue to be the man she fell in love with.

Good luck.

[Teresa]

Danit,
Welcome to the forum it's good to read your first post.

Some time ago I posted a thread saying there's never a right time to come out, I waited twenty years my wife was OK but very soon the DADT wall went up so that was the end of open talking and a return to the closet or as I called it solitary confinement . At the time we had kids at school and my business to run and being a self employed photographer was also very stressful at times.
Unlike you I had no ebb and flow it was continuous .
Stress may have been the trigger for your CDing resurfacing but you did jump in at the deep end , so maybe try and cut back until you've managed to talk to your wife, you may end up purging through feelings of guilt depending how she takes it. Also I feel you should try and think it through and write down how you feel and what you feel you may want from CDing in the future. It's better to do this because your wife may appreciate your concern and the need to write it down to explain it to her.

Once said there's no going back, it will change things between the two of you, so be ready to negotiate boundaries she is going to see you as a totally different person .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Welcome Dani.

My instant reaction is that you need to change your job, perhaps by applying for promotion. Stress is a killer. Stress has brought you to a place where you're seriously contemplating outing yourself and possibly jeopardising your marriage. It's stress that's your problem, not crossdressing.

I'll leave it to others to advise you on how to tell your wife, but I'd make sure she understands that the stress you're under is what is driving the dressing.

The very best of luck to you whatever you decide.

[mykell]

hi dani, i would like to offer this,
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner
and
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?217215-How-many-here-are-exmilitary&highlight=military

welcome to the group....good luck if you have that discussion....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Dani:hugs:, Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home !

That is wonderful that you want to come clean with your wife, wish you all the best.

Be sure to see line #4 in my Signature***:daydreaming:***

[Tracii G]

Welcome Dani.
I was a commercial truck driver for over 40 years and ran heavy equipment as well so I know the types you work with.
Keep us updated on how the talk with your wife goes.

[Scarlett Viktoria]

It sounds like you know your answer. Burying it in the backyard isn't healthy. Just don't expect to be able to dress everyday after work the day after you tell her. You'll have to ease into it.

[bridget thronton]

You know your wife best. There came a point in time when I felt I had to tell mine (the same with my adult children). Thank goodness they accepted me (my wife and daughter shop with me dressed my so is more dadt). You do have an advantage - the dressing just happened so you have not been hiding it from her during your years of marriage.

[Lori Kurtz]

Welcome to the forum, Dani. You've come to a good place, and it sounds like you're headed in the right direction. Best of luck, and please keep us posted.

[Jenniferathome]

In my signature is how I came out to my wife. The truth is better than hiding and telling her on your terms is better than being found out.

Tell her all of it, tell it once, and keep it as brief as you can, then let her ask questions.

Good luck

[CarlaWestin]

Hey there, Dani. We are so damn similar it's almost spooky. I am in control of a testosterone laden environment of men, tools and machinery. And assholes. And juiced in pieces of detritus. And in my Carla time I'm everything from big titty girl to pink sissy. I just think I enjoy an ultimate enlightenment that few can achieve. There's nothing wrong with having a special life to compliment your daily mundane life.

[WandaRae2009]

All I can tell you from my experience that coming clean regardless of the consequences is important. The longer you keep the secret, the greater the feeling of dishonesty and betrayal may be on her part. I know when we go married the internet didn't exist yet, I didn't know much about crossdressing. As many here likely thought, that once we got married the urges would go away. Well the urges didn't go away, just got stronger over the years. After 25 years she found some panty hose of mine, and it totally blew up. Fortunately, with counseling our marriage survived. The crossdressing is still an issue but now she knows it is not going away. We still have issues regarding CDing but are working it through.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Stephanie47]

I have to agree with Gale. You did not mention if you and your wife have kids. If you do decide to have "the talk" with your wife, do it before children arrive. If your wearing women clothing and emulating a woman is a total non starter with her, it is easier to go separate way when there are no children involved.

I've always found wearing women's clothing to be a stress reliever. Before my retirement I worked for a government agency. My contact with the public was always adversarial. From above management always had goals that created deadlines. I have always said wearing women's clothing was a lot less destructive than using illicit drugs, alcohol or chasing women. I believe many men and women have some predisposition or attraction to being the opposite sex, and, they act out in a manner that does relieve stress.

[Angie G]

This is so much what many of us feel when we putt on a dress or skirt. I felt it this morning. It's been to hot to dress today not so bad sliped on a dress and oh wowthe pink fog rolled in. Can;t say if you should tell your wife but I do know thatthe dressing will not go away.I told my wife 10 years ago best thing I ever did.:hugs:
Angie

[Robin777]

I am wishing you the best of luck. I told my wife before we were married that I was a crossdresser. That was 37 years ago. When we got married I started it up very slowly. She was not too happy with it at first,but she realized it was my way of dealing with stress and found out how my attitude changed when I dressed. Like others have said tell her what you wrote in your post. Now there is plenty of information about what we do at your fingertips with the internet. When I broke it to my soon to be wife there was none. Now 37 years later, it is no big deal.

Since your wife supports The LGBT community, I am hoping you won't have any problems. Keeping my fingers crossed.

[DaniT]

Thank you all for the support. It's truely and greatly appreciated.

To answer one of the questions, we don't have any children nor are we likely to have any in the future. Both of us have fertility issues (go figure) so the chances of us having kids outside of adoption (which we are hesitant about) are incredibly small.

Making peace with myself about cross dressing has already done wonders for my mental health. That would not have been possible for me without the people and information that I've found here.

I hope I can update you all in the coming weeks with good news. Either way I am finally able to move on from something that was my largest source of shame and fear.

Thank you,
Dani

[5150 Girl]

What if the wife's absence is the trigger? When she returns home, things may return to the status quo.

[Lorileah]

Hello all,

This is my first post here on these forums, I elected to skip the introduction sub forum but I might post there too.


If you ever want to join the private sections of the forum, most expect an intro in the intro thread

[DaniT]

I will deffinately do the intro thread in the next day or two.

I don't think my wife's physical absence a was my trigger as we both have jobs that require frequent travel. I've had thousands of opportunities but this has been the first time that I've fallen in the deep end.

[Di]

GG here
Make sure you start out telling her you did it in high school and not since so it never occurred for you to say anything because you thought it was gone.
I am sure reading here you will see that is common and also common it comes back.
And basically just part of you.
Answer everything honestly
Best Wishes

Also there is a private Fab forum if she wants to talk to other GGs

[Jilmac]

Hi DaniT and welcome to the forum. Just to put your whole scenario in perspective, the pink fog never goes away so don't worry about burying everything in the yard for another 16 years. If your wife has issues with her church's understanding of LGBTQ, then perhaps she would be more inclined to work with you in facing your pink fog, head on. I think telling her the same thing you wrote in your thread would be an appropriate way to break the ice.

[Nikki.]

Hi and welcome. The timing seems right- it was something in your past, you didn't feel the need to tell her as you thought it was left behind, the feelings have returned, and now you're sharing it with her in a timely fashion. the longer you wait, and if (probably when) you dress again, the more likely she may conclude you've been hiding something.

easy for me to write though with an accepting wife :)

[PaulaQ]

You are welcome to read my thread about coming out, although it doesn't have a happy ending. The reason I suggest you read it is that one of the questions my (now ex) wife asked was "are you going to transition?" You are likely to get asked this too. And the thing is, your situation reminds me of my own - I hadn't CDed in over a decade, but when it came back, it came back with a vengeance. I wanted to tell her, and did tell her, that I didn't want to transition. But my gender dysphoria made it impossible for me to not transition. Everyone is focused on the pink fog - ignore that. Seriously - it's meaningless. I'd encourage you to look at the negative feelings when you aren't presenting as a woman. It's easy to blame these stresses on work, and to be sure, our live's stresses decrease our ability to cope with GD. But I'd encourage you to read my threads, and see if any of the feelings I describe resonate with you. They are horrible, negative feelings. If you can relate to the stuff I wrote, I'd suggest holding off on telling your wife until you can talk with a gender therapist for a bit. Because it's very possible you need to transition.

I hesitate to say all that, but there are parallels between what I experienced, and what you seem to be experiencing that really worry me. I attempted suicide. I don't want that for you. So read what I wrote, please, I implore you (My thread is called "out", although many of the others in that same period will give you a great sense of my mindset at the time), and look honestly at your feelings. And if what I write is at all relatable to you, get professional help from a therapist who specializes in gender identity, and do it fast.

I say this not because I think transition is super neat and awesome - it's neither of those things. It did, however, save my life, and if it's what you need to do, it may well save yours too.

It's possible that others will read this, and try to minimize what I'm saying, tell you I'm exaggerating, that I don't know what I'm talking about, etc. I was told the same thing by some folks here - that I was just trapped in the pink fog. Yeah, a pink fog that lead me to try to drive into a bridge abutment at 160 MPH.

I'm all for telling your wife. Coming out is good for the soul. However, she's going to want to know if the future includes you as a woman, and I suspect that even if your feelings aren't as severe as mine were, that you probably don't know how deep this goes for you at this point. Or maybe you do - but simply want to try to continue to avoid the inevitable.

Give yourself some time to know yourself and have more confidence that the promise you'll make "I'll never transition! I LOOOOVE being a dude!" is one you can actually keep. I wanted to make that promise too. But I couldn't keep it.

BTW, PM me if you want my facebook or other information. I am one of the most visible and readily verifiable as real transgender people on this forum. I am an activist in the trans community now, and I am as serious as a heart attack about everything I am saying to you. And I'm really sorry to be saying it. Read my threads, or talk to someone who's a pro, or better yet, do both. And hey, if I'm wrong, you wasted a little time and money. But hon, I very nearly did not survive this.

[Charlyne]

Dani, Show her your post and let her read all the comments.

[Bruce64]

My wife was in Wisconsin for three Month and I wore her Bra it felt so good and natural, I wore more of her clothing, she is a devoted religious woman and I was a bit nervous but I did told her about my love to wear Women's clothing, she is very accepting. When I met her a long time ago I did told her to leave a piece of her intimate wear, which she did. I usually don't let her see me dressed up, now I let her see me sometimes, yesterday she was with me in a store and she bought me two pantyhose, It's all good.

[CONSUELO]

Dani,
You need to understand the source of the stress you are feeling. Suppressing the need to cross dress is very stressful and may well be contributing to your current state. There are some excellent replies to your post and a lot of good advice. You need to tell your wife and tell her everything. Yes it will be hard but hiding is going to be much harder for you over the months and years ahead.

Don't feel guilt. This is not something unnatural and you should not feel badly about yourself. It is you and you are being honest and open. Your post says it very well.Best wishes to you both. If it is available please find a good counseling service with the emphasis on good, competent and knowledgeable. It will really help the process of discovery.

[Dana44]

There is a lot of good information here. Good luck Dani. Welcome to the forum.

[DaniT]

Just an update for those that were concerned about me. I have an appointment with a therapist next week. I still plan on coming out to the wife before then. I am not at all sure where I am on the whole gender spectrum that I am only just learning about.

Do you guys think that I am jumping the gun by telling her before I see the therapist? I want to tell her as much as I can but will I be better served by waiting? I have never seen a therapist before so I have no idea what to expect and its adding to my stress levels.

I'm a disaster of indecision at the moment.

Thanks in advance,

Dani

- - - Updated - - -

Oops sorry, I missed a post or two.

@cdterri, I personally am not catholic but my beautiful wife actually works for the catholic church. My status could directly affect her career in ways that I would find offensively discriminatory. I am actually friends with some of the priests from her church, one of whom I play tennis with regularly. I am however; under no illusion that I would be accepted by those people if it were discovered that I were a cross dresser or some kind of non-binary gender variant.

It's a touchy situation at the moment =/

Thanks for the suggestion though, they are good people but may or may not be accepting.

Dani

[Lorileah]

Dani, Show her your post and let her read all the comments.

which actually violates the terms of service here, so...don't

[EffyJaspers]

I have the chats I think will play out with family/friends in my head all the time. With your situation in mind mine would go-ish, "Honey (or whatever you call her), I almost had a nervous breakdown from work the two weeks while you were gone, and it brought back an old habit of mine that melted my stress away, away so much I was revitalized to go to work! This habit started when I was 8/9 until the end of high school and then faded as I moved out of my parent's house, and then came back while you were gone. This old habit was and is part of my personality and I don't know if I am going to wholeheartedly embrace it or if it will come and go again. I'm shaking while writing out this letter that I am going to read out to you right now (this letter isn't even something I personally am dealing with but the act of writing something like this imaginary letter has got my hands shaking a bit!), shaking in the anticipation of how you will react. I have not changed, I love you now and forever, but my past personality trait of a crossdresser resurfaced when I was highly stressed out and it calmed the crap out of me, pure euphoria. Crossdressing is usually simply a STRAIGHT guy dressing in traditionally thought of female clothes, and that is what it is for me. I'm still masculine me too (unless you aren't masculine, but being absolute alpha male seems to say you are), nothing has changed. I love you, and I'm still the same husband you've always known. I repeat, same husband you've always had, but I am showing you an extra part that was tucked away in my unconscious until last week. This is a big personality trait, and so I am sharing it with you right away. I have not been hiding it from you because I Literally haven't thought about it for the past 16 years. At this time the big speech is over, would you like some nachos or have any questions? You can digest both this speech and the nachos before asking so you have some time to wrap your mind around this. I'm going to put nachos on a plate and some craft singles slices on the nachos and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds so we have nachos with cheese to each while you think about this because I am hunkering for nachos right now, with cheese."
Hope it goes well for you good sir. Feel free to or not to steal parts of my exceptional? speech. My biggest struggle right now is my bangs growing out (with the rest of my hair) so I don't know what kind of pressure you're under.

[MichelleDevon]

Indecision - I can never decide whether it's a good thing or a bad thing to procrastinate...!!!!

Having decided to tell my wife, I waited months for an opportunity and it went down like the proverbial lead balloon. She is very conservative and far from being a "woman of the world". She was, still is, a bit of a control freak and being presented with something which was entirely outside her knowledge set and far beyond her control she tried to deal with it by ignoring it. Ultimately, that was part of what lead me to having two years away from her. We are back together and, having both had counselling (separately and together) we have now come to a compromise that seems to work and Michelle is part of the marriage.

I applaud you for wanting to tell her - and the sooner the better - but try to choose a good moment and be prepared for it being a bumpy landing! The fact that you have a counselling session lined up will be good, too - and I think you are right to tell her before then. Depending on her reaction you may feel you don't need to go to your therapy session. Mine offered to explore the history and direction of my CDing (we had collectively concentrated on getting my wife and me back together) but I declined the offer. My own view was (still is) that I am not gender dysphoric and have no desire to transition; how was it going to help me to know where it had all come from? I am happy being a mixture of Stephen and Michelle - now it is out in the open I no longer have the feelings of guilt and shame that accompanied every action in the past, I just enjoy being both.

Good luck, Dani

Michelle
xxx

[DaniT]

Ok.

After I made my last post last night, I finished the laundry and went to bed. My wife was waiting up for me, as we had a minor fight earlier in the night.

I had a couple of drinks while I watched the Sopranos and did laundry, and I guess it gave me the courage to get it all off my chest.

I cried a lot while I talked and she asked questions, especially at the start. When it became apparent that she wasn't going to kick me out of the bedroom things got a lot easier. Then when it became apparent that she knew and understood the situation a heck of a lot better than I did, it was a breeze.

I should have guessed that she would have some knowledge on the subject as she works with youth on a daily basis.

Anyways, she was caring, accepting and kind in a way that absolutely blew me away. She has always been the most intuitive and compassionate person I know, but to receive complete acceptance from her was so incredibly humbling. She even asked me about using my feminine name and different pronouns.

To me it seemed like she knew all along, even though she insists that she didn't. She is also happy that I am going to see a therapist next week and said that she was proud that I decided to do that on my own. She is probably going to join the forum and join the GG section, as I told her that it would be good for her to have a support community as well.

I told her that we will take it slow, and do everything at her speed. She insisted that it was no big deal, and that she would like to see my collection of clothes.

It took until three thirty in the morning but we got everything out in the open. We talked about a bunch of different things and eventually fell asleep. It's like having a million pounds off my chest.

She decided that we are going shopping after she's done work today and I think that this is the most excited that I have ever been for her to say that.

Thank you guys again for all the support I couldn't have done it otherwise!

Dani

[MichelleDevon]

Dani, I could not be more pleased for you - I am so glad you were able to "come clean" and that your wonderful wife was so understanding about it. The sense of relief once you have been able to be honest about it is just so brilliant - it's like someone lifted a great weight of you.

So now you have a whole new world to explore with her. Every day is a step at a time but I feel sure yesterday doesn't feel remotely like a step - more like jumping off a cliff and finding an unexpectedly soft landing. Enjoy your girlie time and your guy time with her.

Michelle
xx

[Sarah Louise]

Wow, Dana, that's got to be one if the most positive reveals you could possibly hope for. Lucky you. I'm really pleased for you.

Enjoy your new found honesty in your relationship, but I suspect it will be best to not overwhelm her with it all. Of course, you know your wife better than anyone on this site (except her if she joins - lol) but I suspect she may have days when she's not so positive and you'll have to keep reassuring her.

[mykell]

hi dani,
congratz, sounds like everything will work out for you and the tough part is over, telling was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.
look forward to reading her first post if she ever joins....

[Shayna]

Sounds like a wonderful outcome. Remember to take it slow, as this is all new to her and she will need some time to adjust to the reality.

[TrishaTX]

great story and I am happy it had a great ending ( or midpoint)...lol You say she seemed to know ti all along, but maybe you were attracted to her from begging knowing she is this type of person. I know I did the same thing with my wife.

[chelyann]

dani
thats great it went well.
i suggest you let it sink in and not push it, and see how she does with the news.
and if she does accept it go slow and enjoy life.

[DaniT]

OMG, today was wonderful.

We went out to the mall and she bought a few things for me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. She got me a beautiful new casual dress, a knit cardigan, two nighties and the most comfy pair of girly sweat pants ever.

When we got home I tried on all my dresses for her and she complemented me on how pretty they were. She signed up for the forum and has read this thread.

She commented about how supportive you all were.

Thank you again!

Dani

[MichelleDevon]

Hello Mrs Dani...I'm sure you haven't signed up as Mrs Dani but without knowing more I shall call you that for now and hope you understand. Can I take this opportunity to say how pleased I am for Dani that you have been so supportive. I know from personal experience how incredibly hard it is to "come clean", especially to your wife/partner. The guilt of having hidden part of oneself is really hard to bear and equally from the partner's perspective it is understandable that you might feel let down, angry, hurt that your partner has kept something secret from you. But it isn't something any of us has felt we could talk about - I think everyone here will have gone through the mire of guilt and shame, the thinking "it's only me, I'm not normal". The internet, and sites like this, have been of enormous benefit to us all helping many of us to be open about something which we had been ashamed to talk about to the rest of the world. Some are very lucky to have a partner who is supportive and is happy to accept their crossdresser spouse for who he/she is, some struggle with partners who are openly rejective and hostile, others, like me, have a partner who tolerates our foible.

I know how much your acceptance will mean to Dani and I wish both of you real fun and happiness from sharing this new (to you) aspect of who Dani is.

Welcome to our Girlie club :)

Michelle
xxx

[Lori Kurtz]

Often it's just an empty cliché to say "love conquers all." But you and your wife seem to be bringing reality to those words. Congratulations!

[Kate Simmons]

Good luck Hon. :battingeyelashes::)

[CONSUELO]

Dani,
I am so pleased for you both. I hope that everything in your lives goes well.

[Being_Me]

What a great result! Good luck moving forward.

I remember the first time shopping for clothes with my wife. It was quite some time after I told her and started wearing ladies' things around her. Still, it was wonderful.