Girlfriend wont approve

[Jessicaa]

The last time I posted here was months ago and I was asking advice on whether or not I should tell my girlfriend about my cross dressing. I've been poking around the subject with her since then and I know there is absolutely no way she will approve. I've really beaten around the bush on the subject many, many times and she always shoots it down. Her negative behavior towards trans women on the news and other outlets tells me she will never approve and most likely wont be around anymore if I do come out to her. This is heart breaking for me because we have fallen deeply love with each other. I haven't dressed in about 7 months but I really want to, I ended up purging at the start of our relationship due to the guilt I felt of hiding something behind her back.

This is who I am but I dont want to ruin this relationship over my selfish cross-dressing needs. However, at the same time I feel I need to express myself in this way... Suppressing this side of me is really starting to effect my self esteem. If I break up with her I know she will be devastated and so will I but I feel like I need to live my life. Any advice is appreciated.

Hugs,
Jessica

[Lana Mae]

Hi, Jessica! I do not want to sound all negative but you know it does not go away!! On the other hand, I was able to suppress it for about 34 years during my marriage! But when my wife died it came back like a major tropical storm!! I do not know what to tell you beyond this! You know how you feel and have a pretty good idea of how she feels! You will have to take it from there!! Best wishes going forward!!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Gerrijerry]

you know all you can do is move on . a life with a person who can not accept you would cause too many problems.

[NancySue]

Neither do I want to be viewed as negative, but realistic. The absolutes are: you're needs will never go away. There will be ebbs and flows ranging from hours to years. With these "givens", you are on the horns of a lifelong dilemma. I told my wife the whole story, from the beginning and the truth, totally expecting her to dash to the nearest exit door. Love is a strong emotion, as you both know. She appreciated my honesty and courage and agreed to explore my needs further. Her primary fear was that I might be gay, bi, or a TS. None are me. I love women and simply want to dress like one. After many more "heart to heart" discussions and a lot of reading about cding, we reached an understanding of acceptance. She now supports me with advice, shopping, makeup, etc. Neither of us, to this day, understand the "why's" of what I do. The alternatives of guilt, dishonesty, mood swings, financial loss from purging, are definitely negatives to a developing relationship. Hopefully, her feelings for you will over ride any negative, preconceived thoughts. The key is honesty, regardless of fear of rejection. If it works out, like us, you both will have your own personal bond. If it doesn't, you'll know you did everything possible to reconcile the issues. I wish you the best.

[Nyla F]

Jessica,

Cross dressing is not selfish. As you said, it is who you are. It is just as important for you to be clear about your needs as it is for her to do the same. You say you both are deeply in love, but if she doesn't know this part of you then she doesn't know/love the whole of you. Now (before a long term commitment) is the time to get to know each other.

Now if you are sure she won't approve and are concerned about her outing you, then it's worth considering leaving without telling her. Just don't sell yourself short. Loosing her will make you sad in the short term but suppressing your true self will make you miserable in the long term.

Oh, and don't purge again.

Nyla

[Tracii G]

If you aren't happy then why stay in the relationship?
I wouldn't worry about devastating her because she has pretty much done that to you already has she not?
She shows disgust for trans people so therefore that means you in a sense.Somebody that hates like that isn't a person you need to be around.
Be a man and tell her you have seen a side of her that you find disgusting and you won't put up with it and don't want to be around a person like that.
Thats what I would do.

[MissVirginia-Mae]

You need to do whats right for you, Hon!
A person who is so negative toward trans people is not someone who will ever accept you fully.
I would rather be alone than be with someone who hates who I am, even on the inside....
Good Luck! :hugs:

[dawn459]

Jessica:You might try understanding ask her if she would like to see you.in a pair
Of her panties if she says yes
Model them for her and see how
see lilkes the revelation.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jessica:hugs:, Crossdressing is like the Mafia, You just can't QUIT it,

You have two choices you have to choose the lesser of two evils...:daydreaming:...

[MissVirginia-Mae]

Great Analogy, Blue!!!!!:love:

[Alice Torn]

Crossdressing is just one part of you, not the whole of you. If she could realize you are still the same you, just with this one side. But if she is adamant, better to split, despite the temporary great pain.

[nikkiwindsor]

I can only share my own life experience. I was wise to share my CDing with my fiancee before we were married. For many years she wasn't supportive and I suppressed who I was to the point that I was very unhappy. My wife compassionately and perceptibly appreciated my suffering. As a result, out of the blue to me, a few years ago she said I could start dressing. She's read a great deal about crossdressing and gender dysphoria and while understandably she still doesn't fully understand it she knows it's a part of who I am. She loves me unconditionally. For me, I know sharing my cding with my wife before marriage was the wisest thing I've ever done. It hasn't been easy but then life isn't easy. You really want a life partner (soul mate so to speak) who knows you fully and accepts you for who you are. Hiding things isn't healthy and if you're fortunate you'll find someone who doesn't just tolerate your feminine side but actually embraces it.

[RADER]

I know you stated that she was against anything related to others cross dressing.
BUT: If she is in live with you, and you with her, why not try sitting down with her
and try to ex plane your desires to dress. The worst thing will be her running out
on you right there. Lets hope that she just might want to come to some type of terms
with you.
Good Luck
Rader

[Judy-Somthing]

Am I an expert on giving advice? NO!
I have dressed since 8 and as a teen I dressed with friends.
When I met my wife to she must have thought my dressing was just fooling around.

After we got married and I tried to introduce me wearing panties, a dress, wig etc, thing didn't go well.
So I've been in the closet for 35 years. I've dressed about one a month ant stopped for about 15.

This year the Pink Fog hit me strong since January and I tried to tell her but things went bad!

It's weird but the pink fog right now is gone, I will not PURG, I will put everything away and await the next Pink Fog Storm!

[Robin-in-TX]

Hi, I never post but thought I should here. My wife has only negative things to say about the LGBTQ community and has nothing but negative things to say about anything but vanilla, traditional, gender roles. About 2.5 years ago, we went through a patch that I determined would be the end of the relationship. She convinced me that she did not want our relationship to end and would do whatever was needed. I decided at that point that to tell her that I underdress and was not willing to hide it anymore. This was something she had to accept or we would part. She accepted it and I underdress everyday and we sleep together that way. She still trashes the LGBTQ community and knows that I support it. But she accepts what I do because it is not abstract, it is me, someone in her life. My point here is that you do not know how someone would react when faced with someone they love. You are not abstract. If she rejects you, then she rejects you. You really can't be someone else. None of us can. If you want to be with her, then tell her. You cannot get rid of this monkey; it will always be on your back. Best of luck to you.

[Teresa]

Jessicaa,

If she starts of like that, she's not going to get any better, I'm talking from experience, it becomes purgatory , I called it living in solitary confinement, when we're young both partners think they will change the other and love will conquer all, sorry reality is different. When the arguments start resentment steps in . Many will say be honest with yourself and her and tell her before the relationship gets any deeper . I had this conversation only yesterday with my wife of why I didn't tell her before we married, that's fine and perfectly understandable but there are things now that perhaps she should have been more honest with me about. After 42 years we still had to talk these things through only yesterday, OK so we ended up making a cup of tea and digging an old jigsaw puzzle out, proved very therapeutic !

[Alexa CD]

Don't break up with her! Just find a way. Don't spoil your relationship over something like this, it's not worth it. You say you're in love, and you want to throw that away? Think about it.

[Marcelle]

Jessica,

It is a horrible place to be and I can feel your angst. So it appears you a few choices: (1) Live with it as best you can and try to suppress the urge to dress; (2) Dress in secret away from her when you get a chance; or (3) come clean and let the chips fall where they may. Which one should you do? Unfortunately many can advise you "what they did" but they are not you and only you can decide because you know all the aspects of your life which strangers here do not. What I can say is that from reading here each choice has potential negatives and positives.

1. Suppress the urge to dress : Well, from own experience on this front, it will most likely lead to internalized frustration, anger and bitterness which will bleed out into your relationship in other ways and most likely end the relationship for reasons other than cross dressing. There is no real positive for this choice because the urge will never go away. It can be quelled for short periods of time but if you do a deep dive on this side of the forum, you will discern that it always returns.

2. Dress in secret (closeted option): Now you will find this options is polarized on this side of the forum with those who advocate honesty with your SO because do otherwise would be wrong. Conversely there are many here who lead a happy coexistence closeted in that others including their SOs don't know. However, where this can fall off the rails is the depth of your desire. IMHO if you can dress in private on occasion and put it away and still go on being a loving, supportive and kind person to your SO (i.e., you are there for her when she needs you) then no harm no foul. It is a quirk that you need to indulge yourself in from time to time. However, if you are obsessed to the point where you have to dress all the time, you are not there for her when she needs you . . . just saying . . . the relationship will go south quickly. The other aspect of this option is being caught by your SO which can cause some grief on both parts and "could" lead to the end of the relationship.

3. Tell her: Personally, I don't advocate this option unless you are truly ready for the outcome which will lead in only two potential paths: (a) support on some level - DADT relationship to I'm on board let's get your girl on; and (b) exit visas. There is no grey area. Not to mention, once you come out if it is taken badly she could (not saying she will folks) out you to your friends and family (emotional grief is a funny thing).

As I noted above these are truly your only options and only you can decide which is best for you. I recommend doing a bit of soul search to determine just how deep this goes before jumping the shark with an option. Once you know what you want out of life then you might be in a better position to make a decision.

Cheers

Marcelle

[phili]

Hi Jessicaa,
Now I'm 65 I have definite opinions on this. I told my wife before we got married, and she signaled she was ok with it. I did not explore it in detail, though, as we were busy loving each other and starting our family. Most people have found it is just too taxing to be out and CD, even at home, when you have kids and are in your career mode. Retirement and empty nest eventually happen, and the urge will blossom again without those constraints. Then your relationship for the next 25+ years will be all about how well and thoroughly you meet each other's needs for understanding and support and care! My wife now says I didn't really explain what I meant by being a CD, and of course I didn't even really know then or now- it just has to be something that is fundamentally ok with your spouse- which means they have to be comfortable with their own sexuality, broad minded, and able to withstand criticism from others- so they don't have to live with 'a secret'.

Part 2 of the opinion is that happily there is not just one person we can marry, and it is really important to get the most fundamental things aligned- how you feel about money, morality, religion, gender identity, the value of education, etc. Your wife may be following the crowd on dissing LGBetc and might change her tone when she realizes she loves one. Time to find out!

[Anne K]

I agree with Tracii. You will not change her and she will never change you. Even though I knew my wife for 40 years (we were kids together), she never knew about my CD'ing. When we became serious about our relationship, I felt it was fair to both of us for me to tell her. If it was a problem for her, I would have sidelined the romance and maintained her as a lifelong friend. I was very nervous, but once I started the conversation, it became easy. Having spent my life living it the ay other people expected, needed, or wanted, I was resolved to live my life the way I wanted to live it. The conversation went well and completely unexpected for both of us, CD'ing has become an important and fun part of our relationship. I really got lucky!

[CONSUELO]

Dear Jessicaa,

First my heart goes out to you as this is an awful dilemma to be placed in. I am reluctant to give you advice but I can relate my own experience. I told my wife before we married but I think she was so intent on marriage that she didn't properly examine what being in a relationship with a fetishistic transvestite would really mean. This was before the Internet and so finding out what it really meant was very difficult and, to make it worse, I did not really understand it myself. I regarded it as being more like a fetish.

What I have learned over the intervening decades is that my cross dressing is an integral part of my being. I cannot just throw it off or suppress it without severe consequences to my mental and spiritual health. Also I found that my need to cross dress actually intensified and changed over the years. Looking back and knowing what I know now I realize that we should have not gone ahead with marriage. However at the time we believed that love would conquer all. The truth is that it doesn't. It only seems to do so for a brief time. You will not change and neither will she. If you go ahead you will face a tremendous struggle to be something that you are not. You may succeed but it will be very hard and you could end up being resentful or trying to be a secret cross dresser and risk her finding out at a later date and you would then have to deal with the considerable fallout from that.

I do wish you both the very best. This is very very difficult but try to stand back and take the long and honest view before you decide what to do.

[Katie01]

I was married for 26 years and never told my ex. I've been dressing since I was a kid and it was always a secret pleasure. At some point we were married so long I couldn't get myself to tell her about my secret life. I am now with a woman I told early on it was easier than I feared. It was a much bigger monster in my head than hers. It's almost embarrassing how I had made it into such a big thing.

The sad part is that I kept my secret for so long because my ex trusted me. CDing is not the reason we split but I don't feel great about my deception.

At the end of the day you will have to make your own decisions but in my experience the long I waited the harder it became.

Good luck!

[suzanne]

It's good that you chose to explore telling her, and unfortunately, the indicators appear negative. But as some one else has said, it's not over yet. People's negative opinions of LGBT people can change as a result of knowing someone close in that condition.

My wife was once a hard liner against my dressing. One reason was I didn't tell her until we had been married for several years. When I did tell her, her feeling was that she would prefer to see me dead than in a dress. And while I definitely felt her negativity, I knew that it was unfair that she demand I quit. In my case, I took it upon myself to move into a spare bedroom. She quickly realized it was better to have me in the same bed and learn to live with the new me.

So don't just assume she will turn sour on you. Complete the discussion and reveal yourself to her. I truly hope it works out well for you. If not, it should be a deal breaker, because you KNOW your CDing won't go away. Good luck. We're all rooting for you.

[JulieC]

I ended up purging

As others have said, don't purge. It's rather pointless and wasteful. Not to say I haven't done it; I have. There's a few things I very much miss from those purges. <sigh>


This is who I am but I dont want to ruin this relationship over my selfish cross-dressing needs.

That's just simply not true. Let's reverse this. She would be the one ruining the relationship over the lack of acceptance. That's not 100% true either. It's somewhere betwixt the two. Think on that.

As others have said, it's not selfish. It's no more selfish for you to need to crossdress than it is for you to use your left lung. As you just said, it is WHO YOU ARE.



If I break up with her I know she will be devastated and so will I but I feel like I need to live my life. Any advice is appreciated.

I don't suggest breaking up with her or staying with her. I think more important is for you to come to full acceptance of yourself, and identify what sort of long term relationship or marriage you want to have.

I once had a girlfriend who was very good in many ways, and for a time we were very much in love. She didn't know about my crossdressing. Eventually, I told her. She was not accepting. She didn't blow a gasket and leave when I told her, but it was a permanent strain on our relationship. She was derisive about my crossdressing, didn't want to see it, and never wanted to discuss it. A part of me was utterly rejected. Who I am was utterly rejected. I felt small, ashamed, and hurt. We eventually broke up.

Thanks to that relationship, I decided that I was not going to accept a woman who didn't accept me...all of me...and that I would tell her not terribly long after we started getting serious. If that meant I was going to be alone in my life, c'est la vie. I simply wasn't going to live my life in skirts and heels hiding in the shadows all the time. I didn't want that. I had experienced a microcosm of that and knew that was NOT the life I wanted to live. Either she accepted me, or she was gone.

It was one of the best decisions of my life.

Sometime later, I met a woman whom I fell head over heels in love with. I thought for sure I was going to marry her. But there loomed this test; telling her. What would happen? Would she run for the hills? Would she accept me? Encourage me? Be ambivalent? What would I do if she was ambivalent? I was nervous as all heck. One day, we're driving down the highway (I figured that was best, as she couldn't get up and leave! hahaha!) and I told her. She took it in complete stride, and a couple of days later she bought me pantyhose. Fast forward, we've been married for many years now, and she accepts me...all of me.

So, is that what you want? A woman who accepts you? Or, are you will to attempt to forever live in the shadows? Could you handle that? These are questions only you can answer.

[Veronica4me]

The last time I posted here was months ago and I was asking advice on whether or not I should tell my girlfriend about my cross dressing. I've been poking around the subject with her since then and I know there is absolutely no way she will approve. I've really beaten around the bush on the subject many, many times and she always shoots it down. Her negative behavior towards trans women on the news and other outlets tells me she will never approve and most likely wont be around anymore if I do come out to her. This is heart breaking for me because we have fallen deeply love with each other. I haven't dressed in about 7 months but I really want to, I ended up purging at the start of our relationship due to the guilt I felt of hiding something behind her back.

This is who I am but I dont want to ruin this relationship over my selfish cross-dressing needs. However, at the same time I feel I need to express myself in this way... Suppressing this side of me is really starting to effect my self esteem. If I break up with her I know she will be devastated and so will I but I feel like I need to live my life. Any advice is appreciated.

Hugs,
Jessica

You may have done this already, but I would suggest you tell your SO a story about the difficulties of a girl you know named Jessica (or use another name), and wonder whether she (Jessica) is doing the right thing in her relationship and the challenge she faces. Third party references work well, rather than coming right out with your own story.

Tell your story in 3rd person, and ask your SO if the other SO should be understanding or do something else. If something else, ask her to tell you more about her reasons.

Just a thought from a salesman who uses this technique with frequent, positive results.

No guarantees, but I hope it helps!

[flogo920]

I agree with Traci- get rid of her as fast as you can and find someone else, cry, grieve but be GLAD you do not have to live a life of solitary non confinement.

Flo

[jennifer0918]

Break up with her,if she will never understand. Your not being selfish with your crossdressing, if anything your looking out for her by not telling her your picking to keep this inside you and hurt .Many times I purged thinking I will never dress again many times I lifted weights thinking this was the cure no more dressing but not the case.Many times I carried on an affair thinking ok this is the macho thing to do but yeah for awhile I felt manly but the cd was always inside me it is me it is my life and I learned to love me to think that dressing is not wrong it's my softer side my balance between my gender and my softer spirt my caring side .

[Alexa CD]

Seems most people want you to dump her so you can dress up sometimes. You'll probably regret it if you do leave her for this, do you actually think you're just going to come across another girl sometime soon that you feel the same about who will accept or be into it? Is it such a defining factor in a relationship for you. I understand that it's part of who you are and everything, and that you enjoy it but come on. Relationships mean sacrifices and compromise.

[Stacye Rose]

I have done this both ways in relationships. IMHO NOT telling her is the worst mistake you can make. Why? Because she will find out sooner or later. When she does she may develop trust or honesty issues where you and the relationship. Better to come clean now and take the consequences than to wait and let the whole thing blow up in your face.

[Tina_gm]

I am not among those who will advise you to just dump her. In end it may be the thing you need to do, but I would do a lot of hard evaluation of what YOU most want in your life 1st. If it really comes down to CDing or her, then deep in your heart and soul, what is more painful to do without?

Not all of us on here need to dress. Some of us just like to, and find it a non toxic way to relief stress, tension.... On the other hand, for many on here there is a real need. Only you know of yourself which side of this spectrum you are in.

If you are on the side of feminine gender expression being a real need as this is part of your central core of you as a person. (I am not saying you have to be TS to be this) but enough so that femininity is a real part of you, then no matter how much you may want to do without it for your GF, it will eventually take you down. As time goes on you will be less and less of the partner you want to be for her anyway.

If that is the case, then you will need to tell her. Chances are it probably won't go well, at least initially. You can really only hope for the best at this point, but I wouldn't just dump her. Give it a shot. Your GF is among the majority of women and people in general who do not find anything good of CDing or transgender anything. Her reactions are quite typical actually. Now, some just have not good opinions and when they learn more about it, they soften their thoughts a bit. She may never be fond of it, or like it. A good possibility she will not want to see you dressed, or participate in any CDing with you. Unfortunately there are still plenty of those out there who want nothing to do with it period. Some on here can attest to losing their relationships and marriages due to CDing. Most though, unless you are TS and are looking to make this your life rather than a part of your life do survive this, in some form.

In december it will be 4 years since I have told my wife. Initially it went very poorly. She seriously considered divorce. I had a couple of choice names thrown at me. F-ing Freak being one of them........ She came from zero knowledge of it, and from an extremely conservative upbringing. We are still married. She still doesn't like it, but over the nearly 4 years, she is still becoming more accepting to it. About the speed of an hr hand in slow motion, but nonetheless, more accepting. I am not going to guarantee you that your GF will accept it, but I am saying that her feelings now, her reactions while the most typical, may indeed soften somewhat and you may be able to continue with your relationship.

[Katie01]

I was married for 26 years and never told my ex. I'd been dressing for many years before getting married and it was hard to tell her. The longer it went the harder it got to the point of impossible. In retrospect I wish I had shared it with her. It wasn't the reason for our split but at the end of the day she never found out because she loved and trusted me completely; and I dishonored her trust. I told the woman I am with now early in our 3 year relationship and it went much better than I feared. She helped me put things in perspective and realize it was a MUCH bigger monster in my head than in reality. I'm not saying this would be true for every relationship but it was for mine.

I highly recommend seeing a therapist. It doesn't have to be a gender specialist unless you are dealing with gender identity issues. It might help put things in perspective and help you make your decision. Good luck.

Hugs,
Katie