Crossdressing and porn: Is there an implied equivalency between the two...

[Leslie Langford]

... in the minds of some GG's?

By that I mean those two things being pastimes and/or addictions of a type practiced by both groups of men, and ones that GG's find particularly distressing and hard to accept because they see them as undermining their inherent femininity, sense of self-worth, and ultimately - attractiveness in the eyes of their partners?

This thought occurs to me every time I read a column by an alleged sex and relationship "expert", and where from time to time a GG will write in complaining about her husband or SO's fondness for watching porn, and how she feels devalued and demeaned by this because she sees it as a sign that she is not attractive, sexy, or adventurous enough in the bedroom to satisfy all of his needs and desires. And invariably, the answer from the columnist is not to take this type of porn addiction too personally since men being the visual creatures that they are, this is a common "guy" thing. They then usually add that as long as the woman's partner is still attentive to her needs, puts her first, and shows no signs of straying or otherwise acting out his fantasies with someone else, she should just lighten up and not make too big a deal out of this, lest the resulting conflict does irreparable damage to their relationship and potentially puts it into jeopardy.

Hmmm...doesn't this sound suspiciously like the type of scenario that we CDers with less-than-accepting wives and SO's have to contend with on a daily basis, and where the conventional wisdom is that we need to double down on being the "manly" men that they thought they had married way back when - always putting them first, just to reassure them that our feminine sides pose no threat to them? That we accommodate them by "managing" our crossdressing needs in such a way that they will be kept "out of sight, out of mind" (so to speak) if need be? That we continue to maintain the façade to the outside world that ours is a completely "normal" marriage or relationship so as not to cause them any undue stress or embarrassment in front of family and friends?

I have yet to see an advice columnist address the issue of crossdressing within an otherwise heterosexual relationship in those terms and applying the same rationale to defend it as pertains to porn addictions, although I personally see a distinct equivalency between the two potential marital stressors. More to the point, does the world really see porn addictions through a more benign lens simply because they are more common and therefore somehow more "acceptable"?

Thoughts, anyone?

[Lana Mae]

This is a tough one as I am not sure I can get in to a GG's mind! I know that porn and crossdressing both relieve stress! Porn can be addictive and subject matter can be degrading to a GG! As we know cding is not an addiction but some women feel it is degrading to them!! Most men do not feel their spouses are unattractive or think any less of them, neither porn nor CD!! However, I do know that is often how the spouse feels because the male is spending less time with them!! It surely varies with the individuals!! I can not say beyond this!! Hugs Lana Mae

[NicoleScott]

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?

Other than the porn or crossdressing, he's a good husband, right? I see your point, Leslie. Not that porn and CDing are equivalent, but that a partner's reaction might be similar, for the reasons you mentioned. That you see a "distinct equivalency between the two potential marital stressors" is likely to get some disagreement.

As it would be impossible for Mrs. Lincoln to give an objective review of the play (those images of her husband being shot keep interfering), can a woman ignore the negative effects, if any, of a crossdressing or porn-watching partner on their relationship, especially during intimacy?

Everyone and every relationship is different, though. What may be a sexual buzz-kill for some might be an arouser for others, whether porn or CDing.

[Teresa]

Leslie,
I suppose the distinction is anyone can be addicted to porn, men or women, if it becomes obsessive then it will treated like an illness . I think I would still prefer to admit to my wife that I was a Cder rather than being addicted to porn.

Your second paragraph does sum up the expectations of most married men, I would think most of us as Cders try that much harder to to do the manly thing, in that respect we deserve better than we get most of the time especially if we're in a DADT situation, it's still better than being a lazy slob who drinks too much and does very little to do the manly thing in the marriage, what would most women be more embarrassed and stressed about ?

I would hate to consider Cding considered an addiction, as if it was something that could be cured but as you say many may closely relate the two in that respect. I must admit I've seen some agony aunt columns, most get the basic idea right that it's something we have to live with and there's no cure but they still tend to get the sexual and gender question mixed up.

I will admit that I have visited some of the Cder sites showing porn , it's that stage where you have mixed thoughts of dressing like a woman and wondering about male relationships, that passed fairly quickly when the titillation aspect had gone and I realised I was bi-gender and just attracted to women.

[donnalee]

The word addiction is flung around these days to justify almost anything that people do. There are in fact, very few physical addictions; most of the others are psychological in nature and depend on a diagnosis by those who have a pecuniary interest in this being accepted as a fact when it is at best a supposition.
Many years ago, I had a high school teacher who commented, after reading a number of student papers, "Everyone of these begins with 'I feel---'; doesn't anybody think anymore?"

[Leslie Langford]

Hmmm...closing in on 500 "hits" to my original post and only 4 responses so far? I really thought that this topic might provoke a meaningful and wide-ranging discussion among fellow Forum members... :sad: :doh:

I'd be really interested in having some of our GG members here weigh in as well to get their perspective on what I have postulated above. :daydreaming:

[Amy Fakley]

I suspect the two get lumped together because of the way things were before the internet.

Back in the day, if you wanted to know anything about trans stuff, your options were extremely rare scholarly articles and books in a library ... or an adult bookstore.

Need a corset that can fit on a man frame? The adult store.
Need breastforms? The adult store.
Need size 13 heels? A gaff? The adult store.
Want to find out if there's a support group in your area? Try the bulletin board at you guessed it, the adult store.

Does being gender variant have a darn thing to do with porn? Nope.

It just got lumped in with "sexually unusual things people are ashamed of but nonetheless are into" back in the day.

And since it's so easy to just dismiss things that are hard to understand, it stuck. It's a lot easier to say "oh there goes a sad porn addict acting out his fantasies" (because Joe Blow can easily understand that, plus looking down your nose at someone has a phychologcal reward associated to it). It's a lot harder to say "oh, there must be more than two poles on the gender magnet, and how does that affect my understanding of the universe?"

[Sarah Louise]

Leslie, some very interesting thoughts and I can definitely see where you're coming from.

One observation I'd like to make is if the husband is into porn, I can see why many women find this degrading. While some may view it as harmless, I can't see any argument for how it might improve the relationship.

Whereas if the wife can accept her husband's crossdressing, there are many arguments that it can actually improve the relationship. Many wives see the calming influence it can have on their husbands, how he's more sensitive, shares a passion for clothes and makeup, enjoys being dragged around the shops and understands why she really, really needs another pair of shoes!