A matter of time

[DIANEF]

As someone in the closet I find my opportunities for 'me' time fairly limited. I usually get 7 to 8 hours twice a week, which I look forward to immensely. However sometimes fate conspires to ruin my plans and I find it incredibly difficult to hide my disappointment, particularly from my SO who thinks I'm just being a moody old so and so. How do others cope when their plans for some dressing time are thwarted, do they grin and bear it or, like me, go in a sulk for days?

[iGenny]

If I have Big Plans that are thwarted, then I'll be grumpy the next day for sure. But I'm usually over it by the evening. I have regular opportunities for a couple of hours, twice a week. If I have to skip one of those, then I'm usually OK with it. If I go a week or two, then I tend to have a short fuse if anything else goes wrong.

[Elizabeth G]

I'll brood about it and get sulky/moodyfor a day or so then life goes on and I start planning for next time.

[leannejacobs]

I sulk too, but generally my wife knows what I need and she will either give me space and time or just tell me to go get dressed if I'd like, I prefer the later as we'll sit and have a drink and a chat, it's very relaxing, sooo great having a wonderful wife 😉

[Gabby6790]

I suffer from the same thing. It is just one more reason I want to come clean with the SO. I have found that simple things help like throwing on some lip gloss or something like that.

[Connie D50]

Try and help her find an activity with friends or family bi weekly that helps to insure you time.

[Dinky39]

That's very devious and selfish Connie.

[DIANEF]

Good answer though!! Nice (I think...) to know its not just me that puts on a moody

[giuseppina]

Agreed, Dinky, not to mention transparent. S/He will be wondering why you're so eager to be alone.

[Dinky39]

As a gg and wife of a cder having come out the other side relatively (ish!) sane,that makes me mad Giuseppina. Get the little wifey a hobby so I can rock a frock.
I don't mean to offend anybody by that,that's not my intention. It's the deception that connie is encouraging annoys me. I've gone through all the stages after discovering my husband's secret. I don't mind at all now and he is so much at peace in himself. He is also far more affectionate towards me which is great. It was the deception,the lies,the constant cover ups,the massive blow ups as a result of keeping all this to himself that really did me in. It took 2 1/2 years to get to this stage where we can openly talk and laugh about it and have fun with it.

[NancySue]

Like Leanne, when the "need" hits, but circumstances interfere, I get quiet and pensive. She senses my mood and often, at the first opportunity, suggests that I get "comfortable", which I do, in a heartbeat. Of course, my mood changes immediately. 😊. I told her before the "I do's", toughest but best thing I ever did. Neither of us understand the "why's" of my dressing, but she supports and helps me. We will chat, have a drink and eat dinner. Our bond has brought us even closer. It's wonderful.

[Teresa]

Diane,
I try not to get moody, I negotiated Sundays as my day, but often it's not considered how valuable that time is, a few hours dressed does make me a better person, they may not understand the need but it is a genuine one.

[Stephanie47]

I went through years of angst caused by not having "femme" time. It was grab some crumbs of time over here, and, then some over there. I found it just plain bred more angst. Once there was a time when I could count on Sunday mornings for two entire hours...Wow! When the kids both were in school, and, my wife was working or volunteering I would take off some "therapy days." And, so on. Until just before the end of school I was getting seven hours of femme time every day my wife went to work. I knew the summer months would stuff Stephanie back into storage. But, then my wife needed back surgery. I lost the last six weeks before the summer. Did it bother me? Not in the least. The post op support needs of my wife trumped (bad word?) my need for Stephanie time. Now? Now there is another unforeseen medical issue arising. Again, I am more than happy for Stephanie to wait.

What I am saying is to consider what has messed up your plans.

[Katie01]

Fortunately I'm a go with the flow kind of person so it's usually not a big deal. Not always though. The last time my GF and I were going to play dress up but she just wasn't in the mood. I blamed my bad mood on other things but it was really just sulking. I can act like such a little girl sometimes! Haha.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Diane:hugs:, Some times life just gets in the way & we just get our priorities in order...:daydreaming:...

[Tracii G]

If you can't dress that day well you just can't no sense in being a big baby over it and sulking all day.
Find something else to do then because there will always be another day to dress up.

[Krisi]

We have to take life as it comes to us. I'm assuming you live with your "SO" but haven't told her about your little hobby. That can be a tough situation and before I came out to my wife, dressing was really stressful and I couldn't do much more than a pair of water balloon boobs and one of her blouses from the laundry basket.

I eventually told her and now I have everything I need for a good presentation and I am free to dress when time allows. Knowing I can dress whenever there's nothing else to do means that I'm not normally waiting for a special day to dress and if I can't dress for a while, it doesn't really bother me.

Not long ago, my wife and I were away for over two months and other than wearing panties and my studs, I was Homer the entire time. We kept busy and I didn't miss dressing.

Hopefully, you can work things out with your SO and have enough dressing time that you don't have to make big plans and be upset when they fall through. Life is more than just crossdressing. If it's not, you may have a problem.

[Karen RHT]

My wife is fine with me dressing as I please within our home. I won't bore everyone with the details, but circumstances beyond our control have made it pretty much impossible for me to wear a dress for about 2 months now. I'll admit to being somewhat frustrated by that, but as I've stated many times, crossdressing does not define me. I still visit this and other websites, give thought to my plans/objectives as a crossdresser, and of course purchase items to build my wardrobe. I also continue my grooming procedures, except for practicing my makeup skills. Similar to Tracii and Krisi, I stay busy with the other aspects of my life.


Karen

[DIANEF]

Dear all, I have read with great interest your replies and comments and thank you for them. Maybe I am being a little selfish with my moodies, my SO shouldnt really have to put up with it. I hope and pray that one day I will be able to tell her about myself for both our sakes. Once again thanks all xx

[Dinky39]

No Diane,your wife shouldn't bare the brunt of your strops because you can't dress. Having being on the recieving end of it,I can assure you it's no fun.

[DIANEF]

Dinky, your answer is exactly why I joined this forum. Having been isolated for so long I lived in a me, me, me world, maybe I just needed someone to tell it to me straight. NO more sulks!

[Dana44]

I do not get so sulky, however I get my girl clothes out and dress but some days are not going to let that happen, but when it gets bad I try to do it for a short time.

[Dinky39]

Diane,I would have likened my husband's strops to my teenage daughter''s strops. Bloody nightmare. I used to blame myself for his burst outs. Doesn't do much for the old self esteem.

[DIANEF]

Dinky, I too have grown up kids and know about teenage tantrums. I realise what you must have gone through with your partner and have vowed to change my attitude. I still wont be happy if I lose a dressing day but I'll make a damned good effort to hide my disappointment.

[Dinky39]

Why don't you just tell your wife Diane??

[DIANEF]

Dinky, that day is coming. I always planned on telling my wife once the kids had moved on, well that day is now fast approaching. My wife and I get on well now after a number of ups and downs (unrelated to my CDing). Any revelation on my part could go either way and I really don't know which. It could split us apart which I'd hate but I doubt she'd find my dressing acceptable, maybe as much for the fact I've kept it a secret for so long as the actual dressing. But, its going to have to be done, soner rather than later.

[Dinky39]

For what it's worth Diane,what bothered me the most was the lies&the dishonesty. I wasn't overjoyed about the fact my husband liked to dress as a woman sure,but the lies were the worst. It seeps into everything. The buying of clothes,wigs,make up ect. Hiding all of it. The clearing of the history on phones. The outbursts due to frustration. The overnight stays in hotels for "work". Keeping your wife at arms length because of the shame. The lack of sex/intimacy for the same reason. Crossdressing is a selfish behaviour. But we got through it. We constantly communicate which wasn't easy for him initally having kept this secret for so long. But I didn't walk into this marriage to walk out of it so easily. There's been plenty hiccups along the way,it's not an easy ride. Cding doesn't define him though. He's more than just a man in a dress. And there's no more walking on egg shells. Which is a relief for both of us and indeed the kids as he's not so uptight and wound up. Good Luck to you.

[DIANEF]

Dinky, I have to go now but I thank you for your posts and advice. You sound like a remarkable woman who has had to put up with a lot. as of course have many other partners of cross dressers. I'm really hoping my outcome is similar to yours and your partners. Bye for now xx

[Dinky39]

Good Luck Diane,I hope it works out for you. Tell her everything,not half truths like my husband did at the start. I knew he was still lying through his teeth and it was frustrating. Like trying to get blood out of a stone.

[Gabby6790]

I think we need to take step back and stop judging peoples reasons for not telling or how damaging they are being to there partners. That is a really personal situation and I would bet quite a few ladies don't tell because they don't think will be accepted. Too me, that is more of a problem with the other partner.

I don't want to get into it all but I do see quite a bit of this closet bashing. Lot's of peoples relationships have lies in them. I don't see how a lie about how much a GG spent on her purse is any worse than how much a CD spent on her forms.

[Lorileah]

it isn't worse. But it is equal. And usually the "closet lie" isn't about the money, it's about keeping part of you secret that in reality is important to the relationship. If the lie was a CD who was out to their partner about how much one spent on forms, that would be equivalent to spending money on a "purse". But this is worse, this is keeping something from your partner that can, and usually will, effect the rest of their lives. Consider, if your wife was having an affair: important right? I know many will come back with "my CDing isn't an affair. No one else is involved" but yur spouse doesn't know that. They know you are sneaking around doing something. Now, make a list of what your spouse may be doing in YOUR mind when she z(or he) is sneaking around, hiding, going places you don't know, spending money clandestinely. What tops YOUR list...affair? Drugs??? They're gay???? We get it, you're ashamed of what you do so you hide it. But consider the feelings of your spouse (concept huh?). Now it's 10-20-30 years down the road, even if your spouse hasn't challenged you on it, something happens. Maybe your death. Maybe you're caught. How do they feel? Like "what ELSE don't I know?" Trust is lost. And trust takes time to build but no time to destroy. No matter what you do from hen on, you will be doubted.

We don't bash people for being in the closet. Those people don't have a bearing on us until they post something about getting caught. Or how their wife left them. Be in the closet. For 99.999% of the world it doesn't matter. For you spouse it DOES matter. The only other real issue with being in the closet is bemoaning how the CD community is misunderstood. Well, if you keep in the closet, you can't correct that now can you? Being silent doesn't get you equality.

[Cassiek]

Hello. I am kind of in the same situation as Diane. Wife who does not know kids the whole thing. Summertime with kids at home and wife at home give me very few opportunities to dress. With school fast approaching I once again will have the opportunity to get fully dressed including full makeup for a few hours a day to either lounge around or catch up on house chores. I applaud Dinky for her understanding and insight from a wife's perspective. When the day comes that I tell my wife I hope I can find someone like you to help my wife if needed. Finding this forum is becoming a very valuable outlet not only to begin talking about my needs to others and discover that there are many of us who have same worries concerns and wonderful experiences.