I hate it,hate it,but made up my mind.

[jennifer0918]

I will tell my wife about me dressing only when and if I decide to transition.Cross dressing is the only thing in my life I would be selfish about it. This is for me and I have no plan to include her or to share this with me.She gives me no room to breathe and sometimes it's hard for me to log onto the forum,so feel I have sacrificed a lot,by lot it will be too much to type and post.This is for me and only me ,so sorry my dear SO I will not tell you.

[Joni T]

Sounds like Mommasan is a control freak? I pity your relationship.
Jon

[jennifer0918]

Yeah but part of it is my fault also I spoiled her beyond and also her up bringing I see a lot on how her mom treats her father and my SO trys to incorporate some of those customs in this household. I'm ready to go ready to leave

[Joni T]

I'm not saying you should leave, in fact it would be terrific if you can keep your marriage going. In MY case, the best thing that ever happened to me was my ex leaving me for someone else. I have the woman of my dreams now and have never been happier. Good luck to you, my friend.
Don't be like me and collect ex wives--I have two.
Jon

[Cassiek]

To expand on what Joni said slow down a little with the leaving thought. Slow and steady wins the race. Unless your lives together are completely in the crapper I hate seeing any relationship fail. I can't speak for everyone but I'll always be here to talk and help put things in a different perspective 👍

[Tracii G]

If you aren't happy in the relationship tell her.
If she does stuff that aggravates you tell her.
If her upbringing as you call it has things you don't like tell her, she doesn't have to be like her Mom If her Mom is a nag she will be one too more than likely.
Stand up to her and say OK i have had enough you treat me like shit and if you don't change I'm done.
I will get slammed for what I just said but you know and I know women make ultimatums all the time of their men.
You probably should not tell her anything about your activities so she has no ammo to use against you.
I'm really amazed all you big strong men here won't speak up when you get treated like shit.

[Cassiek]

Travii is my kind of girl. No BS. Ain't it funny that most of us big tough guys dress in hot ass feminine clothes would probably have no problem whooping a little ass but don't have big enough balls to face off with in my case and possibly yours too the woman I love more than anything in the world (except dressing of course) and be 100% honest with our feelings

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry Tracii. My bad on poor spelling

[ReineD]

May I offer a GG’s perspective? Could it be that she doesn’t leave you alone because she senses that something is pulling you away but she doesn’t know what it is? If you look for opportunities to dress or go online to sites you don't want her to see, she senses that you would prefer to be alone. Any woman would sense this. Could it be that she is afraid of losing you? What if she suspects that you are having an affair - might this be why she walks into the room when you’re online?

I’m putting myself in her shoes. If I had a husband who gave off vibes there was something else he’d rather be doing and he would prefer it if I wasn’t there, I’d worry like crazy. I’d begin to doubt myself. I’d wonder if he stopped loving me. I’d try to fill in the blanks and come up with all sorts of crazy scenarios. The trust I have in our marriage would begin to erode. And I'd be scared.

Back to you … if you perceive your wife as the single biggest barrier to the CDing (which she has no clue about, so how can she be a barrier), no wonder you resent her and no wonder you read the worst possible things into her. You might even get to the point of wanting to leave so you can dress in peace. Not good.

You should just talk to her instead, and try to not be angry when you do. If she initially rejects the concept of the CDing, this is natural. Most GGs don't jump for joy and do cartwheels when their husbands first tell them about this, and it does take time and lots of patient discussion to get past the first few difficult talks. But if you can speak to her from your heart and not a place of anger or resentment, this will help.

With what you've already described in this thread, if you don't talk to her I think that matters will only get worse. She'll continue to feel insecure in her relationship, and you'll continue to feel resentment.

[Teresa]

Jennifer,
You're in a very difficult situation and it sounds like you're really beating yourself up about it, I know exactly how you feel, I've been there and felt those feelings.

First of all your not selfish , you can't change what's inside you , it's part of you and you can't deny it. You have to find a way to come out to her for your own sanity it's irrelevant whether you're TS or not . I know how destructive bottling it up can be, I admit my wife still doesn't know about the forum so I have to log on when she's not about I would prefer her not to know now.
The problem is I'm bi-gender and desperately wanted to share it with a woman, but it just isn't going to happen, I had to resort to counselling before the penny dropped with my wife that it wasn't something I was making up or hadn't grown out of. Getting to the point I'm at now has taken time but at least I now go out socially and my family all know and accept me.

[Rachelakld]

secrets apon secrets does not a marriage make.
I wonder if the truth will change your situation or maybe you have already emotionally left your wife?
Theoretically a partner will be 2 years "out" of a relationship before physically leaving the marriage, maybe your on that journey?
Best wishes to you and your wife.

[SophieLiz]

I don't envy you at all. I was only able to fully explore my crossdressing once my marriage broke down. I know full well that my ex wife would never have accepted Sophie.

[DIANEF]

Jennifer, I can relate to some of what you say. I have yet to tell my wife about my cross dressing, though that day is now on the horizon and I fear it greatly. It can be very frustrating being denied time to express your female side, I know from experience but now I have learned to be grateful for the time I do get and not get in a moody if I cant dress, (this very recently after a conversation with a wife of a CDer). I'm just wondering how long you would let this situation continue, is a marriage break-up inevitable as it seems that is the only way out for you or will you ever be able to find some compromise with your partner? Whatever happens, I wish you well.

[Kate Simmons]

She must be pretty insecure as a person if you have no free time away from her. Not a good thing really.

[LaurenS]

... in fact it would be terrific if you can keep your marriage going. In MY case, the best thing that ever happened to me was my ex leaving me for someone else. I have the woman of my dreams now...

Sometimes the BEST thing that could happen is to split up. Mistakes are made; people grow apart. I naturally want to think that divorce is like a failure, and both parties may be at a low point in their lives, but rationally, there is nothing "bad" about it.

If you discover the relationship is incompatible, unless there are other reasons to stay together, end it. To keep one going due to appearances or embarrassment seems to me to extend the pain.

Jennifer, I have no idea what is the correct decision for you, but thought I would share these thoughts. Forests and trees, ya know.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jennifer:hugs:, I wish you luck I hope that it works out for you.

See line #4 in my signature...:daydreaming:...

[NancySue]

Jennifer, there are a lot of excellent comments here. The best one is from Reine with whom I totally agree. I've learned to totally respect female intuition. I believe it's a gift they were born with. A woman will sense something long before the issue surfaces. I, shaking in my shoes, told my wife before we walked down the aisle...expecting her to dash to the nearest exit door. Yes, there were some initial doubts, but she already "sensed" there was something hidden on my plate. She stayed and talked...a lot. She did a lot of reading. Neither of us understand the "why's", so we accept it. She later told me she admired my courage and honesty. Deception and dishonesty are never good to sustain a positive relationship. My guess is she will, sooner or later, find out, then the issue will be the secrecy, not the dressing. You might look in the mirror and ask yourself what are your priorities...you or your relationship with your wife. You sound pretty set. Good luck.

[Amy Fakley]

All I can say, is that I recognize a whole lot of my pre-reveal self in what you've written.

It took the trauma of coming out to clear the way for me to see how much of myself I had withheld from my marriage over the years. Without taking that step, I was completely blind to it. Not blind to the guilt and the shame and hiding and all of that .... of those things, I was keenly aware.

What I was blind to, was the cumulative effect of essentially putting up a front for 17 years of marriage. In the beginning it felt like nothing ... there was just this one little part of me that she didn't know about, what was the harm? I loved her, and i would just try really hard not to let it affect our relationship. But as the years turned into decades, I had been blind to how it all adds up ...

I, too felt smothered in a way by her constant presence. I worked from home during that time, so when I say we were always up in each other's grill, I do mean that. The only escape was a trip to the grocery store just about.

But here's the deal ... why would I feel so trapped by someone I love? How could that be?
It was my own fault! I was "trapped", by virtue of holding my dreaded secret.

We, too were on the verge of divorce. Coming out was so hard, and like any decision of that magnitude, there are positives and negatives, but one of the positives was this ... I was finally able to bring my whole self into my marriage. For that reason alone, my marriage is much stronger, and much more enjoyable to be in than it ever was before I came out.

There are complications, too, don't get me wrong. But on balance, if I had not told, I would not be married now, and I'd probanly have lived my whole life without ever knowing what it's like to be loved, warts and all.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

May I offer a GG’s perspective? Could it be that she doesn’t leave you alone because she senses that something is pulling you away but she doesn’t know what it is? If you look for opportunities to dress or go online to sites you don't want her to see, she senses that you would prefer to be alone. Any woman would sense this. Could it be that she is afraid of losing you? What if she suspects that you are having an affair - might this be why she walks into the room when you’re online?



This is exactly what people that do not disclose do not realize

Your wife feels the distance. This to her is a ball and chain...especially because she has no idea why she feels it...

you can't wish this away.

[Krisi]

I see a marriage that's going to end eventually and it's not going to end well. And I don't see it as being entirely the wife's fault. The post seems selfish and immature.

Marriage is a partnership and a compromise. People who don't understand that will not be married long.

[Josie]

Jennifer you know your wife better than anyone else, I believe it's probable that you know what her response would be and you know in your heart it would not be good for you. Tread carefully and good luck.

[Lorileah]

you feel smothered by the relationship? Please come back after it's over and tell us how wonderful it is to be free.

[Dinky39]

I beg to differ Teresa,Jennifer is being extreamly selfish. It appears it's all about me,myself and I. Sorry wife and kids,it's all about me.

[jennifer0918]

Thanks all for the advice very good,but the only thing I'm selfish about in my life is crossdressing.I provide,I'm a father,I'm a husband maybe not a perfect one but if her female intuition tells her I'm having an affair then she got bigger issues then me.I cheated on her about 10 years ago and that was the first and the last time and I told her myself. So coming clean ,me telling her I think I could tell her,but crossdressing is my escape.

[ReineD]

Well, good luck to you.

[Dinky39]

But you are kind of having an affair...with crossdressing. You're being secretive,you're lying to yourself and to your wife and children. And then you admit to cheating 10 years ago and what? Just because you admitted it you deserve a medal? Your secretive behaviour is clearly contributing to your wife's behaviour and I don't blame her. You are the one with issues,not your wife. I suggest you give that medal to your wife. She deserves it.

[jennifer0918]

Crossdressing is not an affair it is who I am it's me,she will never understand it.I'm not happy about me straying away ten years ago and my reasoning for telling her was to move on with my life.Psssssttt yes I do have issues I never said I was perfect.My wife's behavior is an outcome of her being so unsecure and also one of keeping up with her customs that being married is for life and does not believe in divorce.She is stubborn and will live with something being wrong no matter what . Just my toughts and yes I have a lot issues,please no medals.thanks again for all the comments.

[char GG]

Does you wife have an escape?

You may want to take a close look at both of your lives. You make it sound like you would rather live separately. I would suggest that you give her a choice.

[jennifer0918]

Char gg I have no idea

[Judy-Somthing]

I'm married 35 years, have two grown up children, I've been cross-dressing since 8.
Wife doesn't know or doesn't want to know since I tried to tell her 7 months ago.

Now the Pink Fog is 95% gone. I Plan on getting rid of any dresses I don't like and pack everything else away for the next Pink Storm.

[suzanne]

I'm 100% behind Tracii. You are the majority shareholder of your life, not her. As your partner, she is entitled to input on how you conduct your life, but the final call is yours. It sounds like she doesn't respect you. If true, that should be a deal breaker. It seems like now is a real good time to tell her about your dressing. It will get ALL the cards on the table fast and the sorting will start right away. That, too, is your call. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[Tina_gm]

After infidelity, there is usually so much damage. Perhaps the "smothering" is your wife's way of trying to either prevent it, or to know if it is happening again. You don't really know for certain how she would react to you being a crossdresser. I am not even going to begin to give you advice, you have made up your mind as to what you are going to do and not going to do. It is just always so sad that people invest so much time into lifetime commitments then struggle with it all, telling lies, not being faithful, dealing with their partner's infidelity and not being able to get over it.... No one is perfect, yet we seem to demand it from others. I can lie, but they can't. I have issues but they can't have them, or they need to get over theirs/mine, while I get to wallow in them..... on and on and on.

Relationships can be such wonderful assets to our lives, but they don't come free. It takes a lot of work, compromise, commitment, sacrifice.... the more you give, so long as it is with a compatible person who gives back, the more we receive from it. I never understand why this is such a hard concept for so many people....

[Teresa]

Dinky,
I was posed with all these comments from my wife, eventually I posed her with the thought of trying to live with something that tears you apart most days, when you're expected to be the the man and do the duties of a husband and father but part of you needs to live a totally different lifestyle.
Yes it is secretive behaviour until we finally come to terms with CDing so what choices do we have then, I nearly ended my life because I couldn't live with that and the rejection I felt . Your comment saying we are the ones with the issues is exactly like my wife's, only she said it's my problem and for me to sort it. This is very difficult to do when you're in a DADT marriage and your partner just doesn't want to know , you have very few places to turn to for help when the partner you love rejects you in that way.
I'm sorry Dinky but when the question of being selfish arises it go both ways , it may be hard for a partner to accept it but you try being the man and come to terms with being a CDer / TG and accept it's something inside you that won't go away , finding out you were born like it and will die like it.

[Dinky39]

I think we shall agree to disagree. I may say though that I am nothing like your wife. We are not in a DADT relationship. Yes,I know you have a lot going on and your wife is not as on board as much as you would like,but from what I can see,you have it much better than some. Maybe your wife is at her limit. May I ask (and no offence intended) are you constantly at your wife about all the issues that you have? Again,no offence intended. There were many a time I wanted to take a long walk off a short pier. You don't have the Monopoly on misery Teresa. We all have had tough times&tragedy in our lives.
We don't know how Jennifer's wife's feels about everything but then It seems Jennifer is hell bent on not including her in anything. She said herself she is selfish in her cding&wasn't willing to share it with her. No mention of any love for her wife or the welfare of their children should she transition or seperate from her wife. I'm not suggesting she doesn't love her children but surely they would be put first before anything drastic happens whether it's seperating or transitioning.
By the way Teresa,do you think there are many support groups for wives of cders in Ireland/Uk? I can tell you there isn't. Plenty for cders of course but sfa for the wives. But sure,we're not the ones who are suffering/struggling/the ones with the 'problem'.

[Teresa]

Dinky,
To answer your first question, the answer is no, if she wishes to talk about any of the issues I'm OK about it but I keep off the subject because I know how they will finish.

She does know I'm going out to a social group I have had to give her contact details of the hotel obviously. Before my first outing in January I asked if I was stuck with any aspect would she be prepared to help me, the firm answer was no. She knows partners and wives accompany members all she said was she would be too outspoken so it would never happen. The one things we have decided on is that I get ready at home, she goes out to drop the granddaughter off and then waits on the main road on her return to ring me when the road is clear, I accept that's more for her benefit than mine.

I assumed when Jennifer said she felt selfish it was more out of guilt , because of being bi-gender I would have always wanted to share with a woman but some would say that was being selfish , so I guess some of us are in a no win situation.

I may appear to be better off than some, but its' taken almost sixty years to get to where I am now, mostly because I didn't want to be selfish, my counsellor was disturbed by that long period of suppression .

[Dinky39]

Well Teresa,maybe your wife is tired. She's raised a family,managed a household and maybe now she wants to wind down and yes,I know you have worked all your life also. You have so many issues it must be exhausting for her as it is for you. I imagine what you have is as good as you are going to get.

[Lana Mae]

Communication and trust are what makes relationships! Tell her exactly how you feel!! Be gentle but firm!! She will come back at you with something but you will be communicating!! Now just turn it positive instead of negative and work together and you will be surprized what you might salvage!!! Best wishes to both Just my 2 cents Hugs Lana Mae

[docrobbysherry]

Jennifer. I was married and divorced. It had nothing to do with my dressing but when we first separated, it was a good thing. We could talk reasonably about things again because we were no longer constantly in each other's faces arguing about nearly everything any more!

I strongly recommend separation to anyone with severe marital issues. It allows u both the space and time to think and live without that other person driving u crazy all the time! The sudden peace and relaxation is amazing and renewing. It helps allow u to make the sometimes hard, but correct decisions for u and your family. :)