Thinking has nothing to do with it...

[JanePeterson]

So I was contacted this week about attending a diversity workshop being hosted by the Coast Guards east coast headquarters staff - the Officer coordinating the event has known about me for a while now, and she has been a wonderful advocate/source of support for me. Anyway, we discussed it and I routed a request to attend this week long conference presenting authentically. I drafted a pretty logical and sound justification memo and routed it up the chain of command yesterday.

This morning, I saw in my inbox that it has been endorsed by my chain of command and is making its way to Washington for final approval.

I cannot believe I am doing this. I am both excited and absolutely terrified at the same time.

So back to the title of this thread - there is NO WAY I would be doing this if my brain was calling the shots... I am able to recruit the assistance of my brain occasionally to assist, but whatever element of my being that is driving this transition does not listen to reason. The parts of my mind that like reason and rationality are pretty upset, but it's clear who's winning!!!

I'm going to go curl up in a ball now

[I Am Paula]

Thinking is not all it's cracked up to be. Go with your heart. Good luck.

[tgirlamc]

Well said Paula!!!... All will be well Jane!!!... Go get 'em girl :)!!!!

[Starling]

How great to be able to stand up and say, "This is who I am, and by the way, I'm not alone." Bless you for your strength and courage, Jane, for your heart. Ninety-nine percent of humans never have to think about their gender, and I frankly don't think our brains are even built to deal with it, because it's so fundamental. It's a brain-breaker.

:) Lallie

[AllieSF]

Yes, congratulations on being you. Now, I actually think that your brain is working with your heart and they are helping you do things out of the normal to you because they are helping you be you. They are just tired of all that old internal conflict. Keep up the good work.

[KymberlyOct]

Wow Jane !!! That is fantastic !!! Scary - I am sure it is unbelievable scary. Also VERY COOL. Congratulations on getting asked, and agreeing to do it. I have no doubt you will be very glad that you did. I am so proud of you from afar, and impressed. :)

[Donnagirl]

Only three words for you ...

You go girl :-)

[Rogina B]

Put yourself out there and you reap what you sow. Out is out and it will be easier and more rewarding from here on...

[Mirya]

Jane, can you tell us a little more about the diversity workshop? Is it an event that happens regularly? What types of groups are going to be represented? Are you going to be giving a speech or presentation at the workshop? Would love to hear more details! :)

[Cindy J Angel]

so proud for you Jane keep it up

[GBJoker]

I am so confused by this thread... but... Congrats? Yeah.

[Suzanne F]

I know you already know how proud I am of you but just had to say it. Thanks for being you!
Suzanne

[Dianeob]

Jane,
Know the CDR in question and she is great. Amazing to me how far CG has officially come. That said, there will be hearts and minds that are far from aligning developing trans policies. Have sense for where you are career wise, 0-4 should be easy to achieve, 0-5 selection is first time hearts and minds could matter.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

How exciting, exhilarating and scary all at the same time . . . but I am sure you will do exceptionally and carry yourself with all the grace of a woman and an officer. Will you be attending in uniform? I remember my first public presentation to a large audience in the gender appropriate uniform . . . it was scary but once I settled my internal smile was beaming because finally I was me. Good luck!

Cheers

Marcelle

[Eringirl]

Way to go! Just goes to show that this is a very deep visceral need, not logical.

As for thinking....I usually lie down until that feeling passes!!

Let us know who is goes.

[Tommie.]

Incredible exhilarating magnificent!!! We will be with you in spirit!!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i can recall a very specific moment Jane...

I was at a friends...i was on HRT....i was getting ready to tell work...my mom, my ex and my kids knew i was "TG"...they didnt know i was going to transition...i was divorced...i had built up a small group of trans friends...
so here i was i was all dolled up for friday night at my friends house...

and i had an overwhelming feeling of logic pass over me.... WTF WTF WTF am i doing!"!""!"!????????????????????????????? why am i doing this?? what has gotten in to me???
i was transitioning in real time , building up my support, saving money, planning surgeries... but my conscious mind spent very little time on it.

I was certainly not considering pros and cons, i was trying to survive...

..its hard to describe but i think i get your OP you are getting the same feeling..

soon after my moment , i signed up for FFS, told my boss and on i went...and my logic brain started to come much more in to play the closer i got to full time and ultimately transition...which i worked very hard on, i felt by acknowledging the insanity of it all, i gained power over it...

thnx for sharing this kind of detail of your thinking ..

[jentay1367]

You have made some serious headway in very short time, Jane. I'm 3 months into my HRT Therapy on Monday and I watch my wife grapple with this everyday. I love her and never want her to be unhappy or hurt. I was wondering how your relationship with your wife was going since you're doing this at such a break neck pace. Do you have kids at home? How are they dealing with all of this? If you don't want to discuss it, I certainly understand, but watching you move through this as you have has left me more than a little curious..Lisa

[JanePeterson]

Kaitlyn... That is EXACTLY how I feel right now.... I'm throwing Molotov cocktails at my military career... And as the flaming bottles leave my hand my brain is aware but totally not able to stop. You summarized my mindset precisely.

[KymberlyOct]

Jane You are a forerunner of change, a pioneer. That takes courage and a lot of it. It was such a short time ago of don't ask / don't tell for gays serving in the military. Now you are helping blaze a trail for the transgender. You started it for you but that is probably how many people in many walks of life accomplished great things. They had no grand plan, no desire to change the world, they were just doing what they had to do for themselves.

Some may read my post and think I am overstating it but I don't think so. The CG is a branch of the service, you are at the tip of the spear on this and people that matter asked you to play a key role.

That is a big effing deal !!!!! You will be great, just be you.

[JanePeterson]

So yesterday I finally reached the moment where i wad faced with actually DOING what I had requested. It was the first day of the conference, and Monday night was the most difficult and nervous period of my life...

I have sooooo much more understanding and respect for all you full time ladies on here. That process was excruciating... but proudly taking my place at the table in an authentic way, and being accepted by my professional counterparts, was one of the greatest feeings I've ever had.

When I conceived of this idea, I had no clue how hard it was going to be - but now that I've done it once, I feel so much more ready to do it again today :).

Ps - sorry for all the desperate, depressed, text message freak outs over the past few days!!! Not sure what I'd do without some of you to talk me through the hard parts.

[Mirya]

Good for you Jane! You did it! :) And yes, full-time is a whole different thing, lol. In the coming weeks and months, you will be presented with many situations that, despite preparing beforehand, you will simply not be prepared for or even expect. But you will get through it, because you are being the real you, and there is nothing more empowering than that!

[LeaP]

+10

Absolutely right - you CANNOT think or reason your way through something that exists below your conscious control.