sonialexis
09-02-2016, 08:33 AM
Hi all. So I'm posting after quite a while but something has been weighing on my mind for a while. I wanted to talk about how cross-dressing has affected my mental health. I know very well the de-stressing effect of cross-dressing the complete feeling at home and at one with oneself etc but I also know the 30 plus years in my life have been plagued with depression, guilt, shame, being defensive and guarded, anxiety, loneliness....so many ill effects with cross-dressing as a contributing factor. In India where I'm from therapy and counselling wasn't big growing up and I just wish I had someone to talk to.
I'm a quiet, calm, fairly likable guy among other things, there are certain personality traits, societal influences which contributed to me being of a certain temperament or being depressed, lonely and I am not blaming my dressing up for everything wrong with me. I lived with shame and guilt for so long, praying to God I'll give up dressing up if "HE" helped me out with something. Just the whole activity which I accept now, felt so wrong at times then. The guilt and shame would affect my self esteem and confidence making me insecure and anxious. I was always trying to hide myself. I was teased and called girly or sissy because I was thin with feminine features. I would exercise mindlessly trying to bulk up because I just wasn't called sissy I was also trying on my mothers clothes and I could let no one know that about me. I grew up in this conflict and I didn't do a good job prioritizing the important things in my life. I live with my girlfriend now and even if I leave the house for a few minutes and I forget my phone I become anxious, I let no one touch my laptop or phone, if my SO tells me "I saw a pic of you on the internet, or "I found something of yours" I get a chill in my stomach and panic a little. She knows of my dressing but hiding, trying to hide, just comes as a force of habit and the long term guilt and shame associated. I try to live in the moment and try and rationalize things but I do not succeed all the time. I remember my sister and her boyfriend had borrowed my gfs laptop one time and they were looking at something in the other room and they were giggling. I started to panic and believed they found a picture of me dressed even though I knew I had deleted my pics from that laptop (SIGH...). I KNOWWW. Then once a friend caught me dressed. He is a popular guy and has lots of friends most of them know me as the town i grew up in is a small one, we all know each other. I haven't visited in over 5 years, I don't look forward to it much too. I feel everybody(friends and friends of friends, some of whom called me sissy to some whom I wanted to be a guys guy with), knows and you know gossip can be exaggerated and embellished. I always envied the boys around and my friends for their evident freedom, the freedom and confidence that comes from having to hide nothing.
So that's the short and long of it but I mean to understand through my rambling why cross dressing is such a struggle at times. I enjoy nothing more than seeing my made up, 'dressed' up, feminine, sexy, self in the mirror but the price I have paid isn't loose change. I know many here are beyond this and I envy that clarity, the easy smile that reflects the lightness within, the YOLO attitude, the 'I don't give a rat's ass' air some of you gals have.
It's not like I'm terribly down and out, depressed, pale and on the verge of breakdown but I know how mostly my confidence has taken a hit because I know I always will have a secret, my self esteem which has taken a hit too, wrongly believing that what I did was unacceptable, perverted and wrong. I'm grateful for many things especially for a girl who isn't chastising or questioning. I accept Sonia as a part of me now, I don't see shame in it and neither do i hate myself or fate. I wonder if I could have changed the experience through a healthier outlook maybe with some guidance.
There isn't much of a clear thought process here and I've just rambled, though i would love to hear what you lovelies have to say.
xoxo
I'm a quiet, calm, fairly likable guy among other things, there are certain personality traits, societal influences which contributed to me being of a certain temperament or being depressed, lonely and I am not blaming my dressing up for everything wrong with me. I lived with shame and guilt for so long, praying to God I'll give up dressing up if "HE" helped me out with something. Just the whole activity which I accept now, felt so wrong at times then. The guilt and shame would affect my self esteem and confidence making me insecure and anxious. I was always trying to hide myself. I was teased and called girly or sissy because I was thin with feminine features. I would exercise mindlessly trying to bulk up because I just wasn't called sissy I was also trying on my mothers clothes and I could let no one know that about me. I grew up in this conflict and I didn't do a good job prioritizing the important things in my life. I live with my girlfriend now and even if I leave the house for a few minutes and I forget my phone I become anxious, I let no one touch my laptop or phone, if my SO tells me "I saw a pic of you on the internet, or "I found something of yours" I get a chill in my stomach and panic a little. She knows of my dressing but hiding, trying to hide, just comes as a force of habit and the long term guilt and shame associated. I try to live in the moment and try and rationalize things but I do not succeed all the time. I remember my sister and her boyfriend had borrowed my gfs laptop one time and they were looking at something in the other room and they were giggling. I started to panic and believed they found a picture of me dressed even though I knew I had deleted my pics from that laptop (SIGH...). I KNOWWW. Then once a friend caught me dressed. He is a popular guy and has lots of friends most of them know me as the town i grew up in is a small one, we all know each other. I haven't visited in over 5 years, I don't look forward to it much too. I feel everybody(friends and friends of friends, some of whom called me sissy to some whom I wanted to be a guys guy with), knows and you know gossip can be exaggerated and embellished. I always envied the boys around and my friends for their evident freedom, the freedom and confidence that comes from having to hide nothing.
So that's the short and long of it but I mean to understand through my rambling why cross dressing is such a struggle at times. I enjoy nothing more than seeing my made up, 'dressed' up, feminine, sexy, self in the mirror but the price I have paid isn't loose change. I know many here are beyond this and I envy that clarity, the easy smile that reflects the lightness within, the YOLO attitude, the 'I don't give a rat's ass' air some of you gals have.
It's not like I'm terribly down and out, depressed, pale and on the verge of breakdown but I know how mostly my confidence has taken a hit because I know I always will have a secret, my self esteem which has taken a hit too, wrongly believing that what I did was unacceptable, perverted and wrong. I'm grateful for many things especially for a girl who isn't chastising or questioning. I accept Sonia as a part of me now, I don't see shame in it and neither do i hate myself or fate. I wonder if I could have changed the experience through a healthier outlook maybe with some guidance.
There isn't much of a clear thought process here and I've just rambled, though i would love to hear what you lovelies have to say.
xoxo