Tried to tell may wife when she caught me.

[misschris]

A few days ago my wife caught me dressed. Just a lace trimmed low cut t-shirt and panties. I quickly changed. She refused to accept that "she" was me and insisted that I had another woman here. I'm a new member... please advise. Chris

[CONSUELO]

Show her the clothes

[misschris]

I thought about that, but she was in complete denial. I inferred from her that she would rather me be with another woman than to be dressing.

[DIANEF]

Hardly in a position to advise as I'm still in the closet (for now) but the cat seems to be out of the bag. Maybe you could show her this forum and that you're a member of it. Would she really take you having an affair over crossdressing?

[misschris]

Thanks Diane. I even had my toenails painted. I don't know what to do, that's the main reason I joined this site. We've been together for 39 years, I thought she would have caught on by now.

[Amy Fakley]

I'd suggest full, completely honest disclosure. Show her pictures (you must have some, lol).

You've been caught ... could you make the story that you were cheating with another woman stick in the long run? Do you really want to? Personally, I'd rather my wife KNOW that I'm a crossdresser, than IMAGINE I might be cheating ... in fact ... being backed into a similar corner is what finally drove me to come out to my wife.

I've found that difficult truths are much, much easier to live with in the long run than easy lies ... especially when you have no third option. Best of luck ... let us know how it goes. Many of us have been in a similar place before ... we know what you're going through :hugs:

[Lana Mae]

Truthful Communication and lay the cards on the table!! Not easy but the only way I know of to salvage 39 years together!! Best wishes and good luck!! Oh and be gentle although she may not!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Tracii G]

Show her this site that should calm her fears.
She knows you better than anyone so show her the clothes you have and tell her you like wearing the clothes.
Just because you like to wear womens clothes doesn't mean you are a pervert or gay or that you are cheating on her, its just clothes nothing more.
This could be a great educational moment if you can get her to listen.
This site is not a fetish or sex based site its more for the family to view and help educate on CDers and TG /TS.
Oh yeah welcome nice to have you with us.
The main thing is come clean about everything no lies or BS stories. Open honest communication is imperative.

[Lorileah]

NB showing her the site is OK as long as you don't let her see the areas that are not open to the public. That would violate our rule on confidentiality. She could join the site and after 10 posts have access to most areas. But sharing what is on certain forums here isn't allowed.

Also, it seems you want to be caught
I don't know what to do, that's the main reason I joined this site. We've been together for 39 years, I thought she would have caught on by now. Why is it more important to be caught than to come out on your own?

[paulaprimo]

welcome to the forum Chris. Tracii gives some very good advice!
it's a good time to be honest. let her know that this is not only a very
big part of you, but this is you and you've held it in for a very long time
and that it hurts... good luck and wishing you the very best!!

[misschris]

Thanks everyone. Full disclosure scares me. Transition is always painful... 29 years actually, I'm only 53. Yes, I can tell this is a good site...nice people already.

[reinasblack]

So you could say you visited a Dominatrix and that was your demeaning ,demasculinizing and humiliating assignment.

[Tracii G]

Which do you want your wife pissed at you for thinking you cheated on her or pissed at you for crossdressing?
Either way she is going to have a hard time trusting you again

[Tracy Irving]

I told my wife before we were married so she could back out if she wanted to. While she wasn't happy (maybe in shock) she made me model my small collection for her and purge 1/2 of it. I forced nothing and took many baby steps to make sure she was comfortable with the progress. The things we do for love.

[Teresa]

MissChris,
I'd come out to my wife before she caught me, so she knew it was me even the fact she did know she still ran off to her sister crying and told her everything.

As far as advising I guess you don't have a choice she needs to know the facts now, make sure you have it clear in your own head. Sometimes it helps you to write it down so you can think it through logically , it also carries more weight when explaining it to a wife/partner . It's never easy so I wish you the best, from now on your wife is going to see you differently anyway, so be ready for the changes , there's no going back, it can't be undone.

[reinasblack]

What women sometimes put up with and tolerate is amazing sometimes.
Testing the waters by finding out what they think of CD's and TG's.

[Teri Ray]

Honest confession of the truth was my choice and as painful as it was to confess it turned out for me to be the best option. Then again I am among the worlds worst liars. Hope you choose what works best for you.

[Lauri K]

Show her this site that should calm her fears.

I agree, plus there are so many great panty threads on here she will fit in just fine.

But adding the lace trimmed shirt is a great idea, welcome aboard.

[krissy]

HI,
Sorry you got caught now that its there deal with it be honest. dont demand just talk give her time my current wife of 36 years knows but wont face that its a part of me so im in a dadt relationship .she knows i do it but not in site out of mind in her world now after all these years and kids all gone i find that im talking more open about it . i have accepted that i dress and need it for my peace of mind.:hugs::eek:Good Luck I hope Things Go ok But we are here for you no matter how they work out .

[Genny B]

Welcome. I think the first point here should be to take it slow and easy. I wish a GG would post here. I wonder if your wife might find it easier to act like there is another woman than to think her husband of 39 years might want to be a woman. You don't want to lie, but allow her time to adjust to this. Hopefully this will work out for you. But if you have been doing this for years, I suspect she probably has a suspicion but would rather deny it. Just some thoughts.

Genny B

[SHINY-J]

I thought about that, but she was in complete denial. I inferred from her that she would rather me be with another woman than to be dressing.

As odd as it may sound to some, I've actually found the same reaction from the few women I've told... Infidelity would be preferred over being a cross dresser.... Maybe it's because they assume that if it's an affair, that there still might be a way to salvage the relationship? But, they ignorantly and automatically assume that if you're a CD, that you're gay and there's no way to save the relationship?

I just don't know what to tell you here... It's never going to be easy to open up and share this secret with anyone, but it's got to be more difficult that she's upset and on the offensive about it. Just try to talk to her about it when she's willing and able to... Answer her as openly and honestly as you can...

I guess if there's a silver lining, it's that it's out there now and you don't have to try to hide it anymore. I know how many times I tried to get the nerve up to share my dressing desires with women I've dated and ended up aborting the mission right before I spilled the beans. I then had to continue hiding my desires and having the stress, depression, and the guilt continue as a result. The. I just continued the torturous thoughts in my mind - wondering if telling her would relieve the burden from me and make my life, and our relationship, even stronger.... Then feeling the overwhelming and crushing realization that it would, more likely, end the relationship... And end up causing a shit-storm of gossip and humiliation as she dragged my name through them mud out of spite...


Well, there's no more wondering now... It's out there and will now end up being dealt with one way or the other... I wish you the best of luck and I hope things work out smoothly for you. Just remember that the best policy from this point forward is HONESTY. If you tell her the complete truth, you will end up finding some level of happiness whether she stays or goes...

[Thictoria]

Hi misschris, I'm a gg and would prefer the the truth! If my partner had told me he was having an affair instead of the truth i would have finished with him! But just for saying i didn't and forgave him but then found out that it was a lie would be even worse i would think. I'd Tell the truth now as she may start paying more attention to what you are up to and find out anyway. Honesty is always the best answer as you will only have to explain why you didn't tell her and not why you lied about when you had the chance . I hope everything goes ok for you both n just have loads of information to show her to put her mind at ease xx

[Krisi]

The hardest part od crossdressing is telling your wife. You don't have to do that now, she caught you. This is the time to be honest with her. Admitting that you are a crossdresser and convincing her that you are a crossdresser is better than her thinking you are having an affair with another woman.

I'm assuming you have more than just a pair of panties so show her the rest of your clothes. That should convince her.

Of course this is not all without risk. She may end the marriage or she may demand that you get rid of all your female stuff and never dress again. Or, she may accept or at least tolerate your "hobby".

In any event, this is a good time to tell and show her that you love her.

[TrishaTX]

My wife inferred being a drug addict would be easier when I first told her. Find a nice therapist and sit down as a couple and talk with the third party , that is my suggestion. Honesty with women is always best but keep in mind you have been dishonest p to now so it will tae some healing.

[Barbara Black]

My wife found my stash and quickly assumed that I was cheating. But the different sizes of the clothing made her accept that I was CDing instead. It was much better to tell the truth since the alternative would have been a quick divorce, even though it wasn't true that I was cheating.

[Alice 23]

I don't think it can be stated enough: tell her the truth! You may also want to consider which relationship has more importance: your relationship with your wife, or your relationship with CD'ing. My SO hasn't always been so encouraging and accepting, and still has her moments, but my relationship with my SO by far has priority over everything, and I have told her many a time that I would drop everything for her, all she has to do is ask.

Good luck, though.

[Stephanie47]

Chris, on your bio page you indicate your wife has caught you wearing her lingerie on occasion and does not like it. Now, she has caught you wearing a feminine tee shirt and panties. Many times people do not want to accept the reality of the situation because they fear they can not handle it. "You can lead a horse to water, but, you cannot make it drink it."

If you have been together with your wife for 39 years, then you have some history with her. She should realize was your good qualities and traits are and weight them against the revelation that you like to wear women's clothing on occasion. I don't know about revealing your stash to your wife especially if it is anything like mine. I would recommend you sit down with her when you have sufficient time to discuss your cross dressing tendencies. Don't surprise her with explanations on the way to a family gathering, church, etc where she would not have the privacy to reacting. Don't overwhelm her. Don't say things like "It keeps me in touch with your feminine side." Comment such as that tend to inflame the situation.

[misschris]

Wow! I've overwhelmed by all the feedback...thank you girls!

[Kellymay]

Show her your stash it might have something she got rid of years ago.

[char GG]

Women (and I assume men) don't like to be deceived. It is a good time to have a good, long talk. If crossdressing is more important to you than being truthful with your wife, you may want to have a talk with yourself before you talk to her. I hope the outcome is pleasant for both of you.

[Dave nation]

I got caught dressed in a garter belt, stockings and heels by my girlfriend and she dumped me.

[DaniT]

I agree that honesty is probably the best policy here. There isn't going to be any way to make it go away at this point.

Lies, even ones that she tells herself, might be easier in the short term but may lead to anguish and disappointment down the road. Whenever possible take the high road, admit your mistakes, and be yourself. I believe in you, you can get through this :)

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dani

[Rhonda Darling]

I note that you're in Mississippi. If your wife (and her family and/or her closest friends -- those she confides in) is deep south morally conservative (a la the ultra conservatives who promoted the N.C. bathroom bill), you may be in for a rough ride. There may be a set in stone attitude of "don't confuse me with facts, my mind is made up." As others have advised, be cautious and do not overwhelm her in trying to explain yourself, but don't assume it will go away on its own. If she starts speaking with family and friends about what she saw and what you told her, you may find yourself in full damage control. IF you can find a counselor near you who is familiar with (and not condemning of) CD/TG issues, try to get her to go there with you.

Finally, as many here have previously said, don't promise anything that you can't abide by -- like "I'll never do it again."

Good luck.
Rhonda

[Krisi]

I note that you're in Mississippi. If your wife (and her family and/or her closest friends -- those she confides in) is deep south morally conservative (a la the ultra conservatives who promoted the N.C. bathroom bill), you may be in for a rough ride. There may be a set in stone attitude of "don't confuse me with facts, my mind is made up." As others have advised, be cautious and do not overwhelm her in trying to explain yourself, but don't assume it will go away on its own. If she starts speaking with family and friends about what she saw and what you told her, you may find yourself in full damage control. IF you can find a counselor near you who is familiar with (and not condemning of) CD/TG issues, try to get her to go there with you.

Finally, as many here have previously said, don't promise anything that you can't abide by -- like "I'll never do it again."

Good luck.
Rhonda

Yep, us Southerners are a bunch of bigoted rednecks for sure! :brolleyes:

I don't know why some uninformed people keep assuming this when it is not true. For that matter, there's a lot of mobility in the USA and many people living in the South were born and raised in the North and vice versa. Southerners are individuals just like anyone else. Some of us even dress in women's clothes from time to time.

The fact is, the OP knows her wife and you don't. She is in the best position to judge her wife's possible reaction, you are not.

It amazes me at times how a group of people (crossdresser) seem to want acceptance and respect, but are unable to give it in return.