Did you SO know before you told her?

[DIANEF]

That should be 'your' SO!
OK, I've been debating if I should actually ask this question, and I'm not expecting many replies. Anyhoo, this is mainly aimed at cross dressers who have long term partners and did the big reveal well into the relationship, only to find their partner was already aware of what was going on, or at least had an idea but said nothing. I ask because a few recent events have got me thinking. A few days ago my SO was painting her nails, she turned to me and asked if I wanted mine done, I muttered something about not liking the colour. In a charity shop I picked out a dress for her and asked if she liked it, her reply was that it would probably look better on me than her.. Eating a bread roll some crumbs went down her top. Damn, Ive got crumbs down my bra, she said, then added, do you ever get that?, and there have been numerous other instances. I'd normally dismiss these things, but they've all happened in a fairly short space of time. What I'm really getting at is this. At the moment I am in the closet, but there is a timescale for my spilling the beans to my SO. Now I'm wondering if should I tell her sooner and hope things go smoothly, or stick to my original plans. If I've got it wrong it could spectacularly backfire, If I'm right...., I just don't know. I'd welcome any thoughts on the subject.

[Joan58]

Looks to me like she at least has some idea, And may be subtly giving you the opportunity to talk about it.

Her comments to you sound light natured,, and she may be ok with finding out you have a feminine side

[bridget thronton]

Women do not like to think their husbands are hiding things from thsm

[Krisi]

Nobody here can tell you if your wife already knows or suspects. My wife may have suspected before I told her because she caught me trying to get out of her bra and blouse when she came home unexpectedly once. She never said anything though.

Here's what you should have done:

When she offered to pain your toenails, you should have said "Sure, why not."

When shopping for a dress and she said it would look better on you than her, you should have bought it, taken it home and tried it on. Act like it was the first time.

When she made the comment about breadcrumbs down her bra and asked if it ever happened to you, you should have answered "Yes, I hate when that happens."

This could all be done as a joke, but really, it could lead into a discussion of your desire to crossdress.

[misschris]

she definitely knows...

[NancySue]

She knows. Feminine intuition/ESP is something I believe is wired into all females. They can sense something very quickly.

Before we said "I do", one night after a party, she was undressing, taking off her pantyhose, looked up at me, smiled and asked, "would you like to wear these? Her question startled me. It was that moment, though, that I decided to tell her, thinking she'd dash out the door. She didn't and I took that leap of faith and blurted out the whole story...from the beginning. After many talks, she's accepted my CDing and helps. I asked her how she knew. Her answer was "I sensed it" by little things I did. She was totally right. She admired my truthfulness and courage to tell her more than my dressing. It was the best thing I ever did. Being free of guilt, dishonesty, hiding things, etc. is a new life. Since then, I have total respect for her intuitiveness. She can sense when I need to "relax" and encourages me. We shop together and often she will buy something for me that she thinks will look good on me. Her shopping "deal" is, one for me, two for me. Seems fair to me.

Hopefully, she, too will appreciate your honesty and is willing to forgive you for the time you've kept this from her. And, maybe not, or she will put "conditions". You know, by now, "it" will never go away...never.
Good luck with whatever you do.

[NicoleScott]

When I told my wife she didn't say she already knew or suspected, but it's still possible.

[Micki_Finn]

I agree with Joan here. Sounds like she very likely suspects at the very least and is giving you opportunity to come clean. Or at least subtly letting you know that she's OK with it. You should still proceed with caution, but the signs are looking positive.

[SherriePall]

When I told my wife after nearly 25 years of marriage, she claimed she had no clue whatsoever! I questioned her about a couple of statements (nothing on the line of yours) she had made over the years and she didn't recall some of them and said the rest were said in jest.
As for you, I think she may know. If she does, you'll be better off than I was when I told my wife. Took a while for her to calm down and even talk to me. She is still not a happy camper, but she is talking to me now (over 15 years later).

[Jenniferathome]

I came out to my wife after more than 20 years of marriage. After I told her, she said there were little clues throughout the years (her clothes were hung up 'wrong' in the closet, for example) but she never made the leap to assume "cross dresser."

Better to tell her on your terms than being discovered. Sooner is better, wish I had been given that advice 20+ years ago....

[wanda66]

As the others have said take advantage of her remarks,it may move the issue along . You're lucky that she is asking,i take it that there is no sarcasm involved with her remarks,go for it!!!

[Jennie2]

Hi
It sounds like your SO knows or has an idea and may be doing a bit of digging. You can never tell what will happen when you do come out, as Bridget said they don't like their husbands hiding things from them. I thought my wife had an idea when I came out to her after 28 years, but she didn't and it didn't go down too well either, she didn't like the deceit.

But good luck in what ever way you choose to go

[gina shiney]

Dianef WTF she was giving you the opportunity to have a conversation in what appears to be a non confrontational way, not once but three times. Yes I can understand due to years of perceived shame/embarrassment and covert dressing, the first act of self preservation is denial, but to let the opportunity pass three times in such short succession? I sincerely hope for your sanity and the preservation of her trust and support you are quicker on the uptake. So many that frequent this site would would give their left (you know what I mean) to have such an opportunity as this.
Yours in hope of honesty Gina

[Teresa]

Dianef,
My wife didn't have a clue, we were married twenty years before it became unbearable for me.

I would say from your comments your wife knows all about your dressing, she's made too many suggestions for it to be a coincidence. If she makes a comment again test the water carefully and see what she says but don't jump in with both feet, if it turns out she's OK about it still take it slow. Just one question , are there any children to consider ? That's usually the one thing wives concern over apart from the obvious one of being gay or wanting to transition .

[Dana44]

DianeF, She knows and suspects. I think she is trying to establish communication and the opportunity arises so take it and read the sticky section on how to come out. Then it should go pretty well.

[ellbee]

There's always the possibility that our minds are playing a trick on us when stuff like this happens, as sometimes little remarks can actually be entirely innocent & would have been said to a non-CD.


However, sounds to me like she probably knows or at least strongly suspects -- and is trying to get you to open up about it in a welcoming way.


Is there anything in particular that you can think of that would have tipped her off?


BTW, along the same vein: Most of our moms already knew, too... Whether they openly admit that or not. ;)

[Amy Lynn3]

I agree with Krisi. The next time she ask if you would like to wear a dress or something, say yes, if you will help me. Be serious when you do and not leave it where she will think you are joking. I say that, because I have been ask how I know so much about this or that and I tell them. Others ask if I like to wear this or that and I say yes. It is hard to get people to believe you when you are not flamboyant about things.

[DIANEF]

Hi everyone, thankyou so much for your responses. I knew I could rely on you for your frankness and honesty. First off, my son is 25 and still at home, but leaving 'soon' (he says) I always planned on telling my SO when that happened. As for acting on my wifes hints, (there was no hint of sarcasm BTW). I suppose I have been a bit slow on the uptake, but I think there may be more opportunities to act on, I hope so. I'm not gay, bi, nor have any desire to transition. Once again thanks for responding. xx

[Jenniferathome]

Diane,

I would not read more into the comments than purely innocent comments. If you consider that most wives, girlfriends, etc have no real clue about cross dressing, AND THEY DO NOT, then those comments are just comments. More of a kind of kidding than a real offer.

Telling her is still the right thing, but don't wait for her to broach the subject, real or accidental.

[Gabby6790]

I was going to make a post about this kind of thing myself. I recently found a very girly keychain. As kind of an inside joke, I put it on my truck keychain. This morning she saw it and was like "really?? on your truck keys??" (Like on my jeep keys would have been better). I played it off because of the obvious joke. Then she said "Sometimes, I wonder about you.

Yes, its the keychain. Not, the waxing my chest shaving my legs or painting my toenails. But for me I really think she just thinks these are weird things about me. My guess is that just couldn't believe supermacho me dresses like a woman. We will find out soon enough.

[DIANEF]

Hi Jennifer, you and Laura have said something similar about innocent remarks. My wife can be very hard to read sometimes, so acting on those remarks fills me with indecision, do I, dont I? I'll probably wait for something fairly innocuous to occur and see how it goes. Hi Gabby, I wear a girls watch, I told my wife its because I have thin wrists, I just liked the watch!

[RADER]

I told my wife to be before we where Married.
Afterwords, we set up some guide rules, nothing to restrictive,
but it work out for us for over 19 years. Now that she has passed away,
I still kind of follow them
Rader

[Tina June]

When I told my wife of 15 years (about 5 years ago) she said she had had no idea. I was mostly wearing her clothes and only had a few things hidden, but I was surprised she did not suspect, because there had been several close calls.
I am very lucky - She is very supportive and helps me all the time

[JamieG]

My wife never knew before I told her. And this is despite all sorts of comments from her that I thought suggested she suspected something. I think that sometimes we CDs suffer from confirmation bias: once we think (or hope) our wives might suspect, we notice every little thing that could confirm this, and ignore all of the evidence to the contrary.

[TrishaLake]

I think they all know something, what they know is different for each.

[Robin414]

I'll add one more to the "had some idea" side. When I pounced out of the closet she said "I always knew something was up with that"

[Amanda Park]

I likewise think she knows and that you have maybe missed a few opportunities to open a discussion on the subject. The next time she makes a comment or raises a question relating to crossdressing, I would suggest you say, "Honey, you've made a few comments like this in the past... asking if I want my nails done, or if I get crumbs down my bra. I wonder if you're just joking around or are you trying to ask me something." Whichever answer she offers will help you out of your current dilemma. Good luck!

Amanda

[Jennifer in CO]

She knew...when she first met me was first night at college. It was a big "get to know you" party at a small community college. I had taken the opportunity of going to a college in another state 1000 miles from home to be "me"...as in Jennifer. So when she met me, I was full fem. She said later that she was pretty sure she wasn't attracted to other women but couldn't understand why she was attracted to me. As we got to know each other I toned way down the fem. That summer we went back to our respective homes. I finally had to know where this was going so I wrote her a letter and I told I really loved her but this was me and could she accept that. I got a pretty pink bra/pantie set in the return mail. Three weeks later I got a package in the mail. In it were a denim-like polyester peasant blouse and a pair of white linen slacks with a draw-string "belt". She had made them both. The blouse was more of a peasant 'cut' than a real peasant blouse (neck opening was a bit larger than would be on a guys shirt with no collar with small "V" front center, sleeves were elbow length and while not elasticized like a true peasant were sown to gather as if elastic). So when I actually asked her parents for her hand I was wearing that ensemble with the pink bra/panties on underneath. Flew from TX to CO so dressed as well. About an hour after all this we left to go back to school (about a 4 hour drive from her folks place). She had me stop on the side of the road and from her bag pulled out a short skirt that matched the top. I dropped my pants right then (she was happy to see hose on shaved legs) and put on the skirt and we drove on to school.

yeah...she knew

[suchacutie]

Neither of us knew! We discovered Tina together one weekend.

[SharonDenise]

I came out to my wife while we were still dating and I'm so glad I did. She accepted and supported my crossdressing for the 40 years that we were married until her death two years ago.

[Lori Kurtz]

If your wife had made only one of those "joke" remarks, I'd say it definitely could be a random thing. But two of them? I don't think so. And three, or, as you say, "numerous other instances?" No way. She knows, and she's trying to give you a way to feel comfortable about sharing something that needs to be shared. In the case of my first marriage, I think that my failure to be open and honest created a barrier between me and my wife, even though she had no clue what the truth was, and that weakened our relationship so that when she happened to discover my stash of girly things, we no longer had a reservoir of good will to keep us together. Your wife is obviously a patient, loving and considerate person. I think you can trust her to continue to love you. There is no easy way or perfect time to tell the truth about a thing like this, but the sooner the better. Best of luck to you and to her, and please keep us informed.

[stephNE]

She didn't know until I told her. On about our third date, I went to her apartment to pick her up, and I asked what she wanted to do or where to go. She said she didn't care and would do anything that I wanted.
I said "Really? Anything?" and she said "Yes, what do you want to do?"
So I said, "Well actually, I'd like to try on some of your clothes."
She picked out a few things for me to wear, and helped me to get dressed up, and we spent the evening watching TV.
37 years later, we are still married.

[DIANEF]

Once again thanks all for your comments and suggestions.
Diane xx

[Stephanie47]

Dian, she knows your secret! I'll make a small wager. Wait until Halloween and suggest you and her go to a Halloween costume party. Ask her what you should wear. Three guesses and the first two don't count.

[DIANEF]

Hi Stephanie, thats not a bad idea. I did once tell her a while back we should go to the Rocky Horror Show dressed up, she didn't sem to have any issues with me going in stockings. Unfortunately we could'nt get tickets and the opportunity passed.

[Tammy Terrain]

My wife just found out about my CD last Monday. She found all my clothes. When confronted I told her the truth they were mine. Not sure what is going to happen now. We have been married a long time and I was always afraid if I told her she would leave me. In big way I am very relieved she now knows and I hope for the best now.

[DIANEF]

Hi Tammy, being found out is probably worse than telling her yourself, I am preparing for the big reveal in the near future, something that fills me with great trepidation but I feel its got to be done. The fact I've been in the closet so long isn't going to help. How accomodating is your wife to the idea of a man wearing womens clothing?, has she ever given any indication of being okay with the idea or something totally opposite. I really hope things work out for you. Keep us informed
Diane x

[BillieAnneJean]

I started late in life so I asked my SO for her OK before I tried CDing for the first time.

[nikki47]

I told my wife before we were married,she did accept it and has been great and supportive.I was restricted from dressing while our children grew up.They have both left home now so i dress regularly now,still with my wifes blessing.we have been married 34 yrs now and i feel so lucky.

[Tammy Terrain]

DianaF; I wish you well when you tell your wife. When mine found my female clothes she was more concerned at the time I was have sex with other gurls or even men. I assured her I am not and have not. Like you I have been thinking really hard about telling her. My big issue with not telling is the amount of time I have been hiding it from her and her reaction to the amount of time. She did bring that up. One other reason I have not told her is she has made a lot of negative comments about the TG things on the news. From Catlyn to using public bathrooms. She makes negative comments every time. So I held back from saying anything. We will see what happens. Not sure what my next move should be. Yesterday, the second day, we really did not talk to each other. At least she did not throw my stuff out yesterday. I really hope that does not happen. I do not plan or want to stop. My hope is she allows me to dress just not around her. Unless, she says she will support me and help me, that would be fantastic and make me so happy. Either way I am so relieved it is out now. Thank you for the comments they are really helpful.

- - - Updated - - -

BillieAnneJean; Who did you bring it up that you wanted try dressing before you tried it?

[mykell]

you have made a plan, you must of had some reasoning that you put in, my thought is stick with your plan, when i revealed to my wife i had a plan....dont dump it in the middle of the work week....dont do it before the holidays, may be the last time i see my son, so i did it a week later than planned but the way i had planned in the middle of January.... i used jenn@homes letter tweaked with my personal thoughts, i had hoped for the same reaction as jens wife,

Her words,"Honey I've known for years. It's ok and I am kind of relieved."
Me: "Why relieved?"
Her: "I didn't know if you were gay or wanted a sex change or what."
Me: "How did you know?"
Her: "Every time I came home from being away my clothes were out of place, hung differently, that kind of thing."

well it didnt go that way, one thing is her size is way to small, think fat man in a little coat (chris farly)
so this resonated with me....


My wife never knew before I told her. And this is despite all sorts of comments from her that I thought suggested she suspected something. I think that sometimes we CDs suffer from confirmation bias: once we think (or hope) our wives might suspect, we notice every little thing that could confirm this, and ignore all of the evidence to the contrary.

also she was pretty liberal about LGB stuff.....lesbian friends and what some say is gay-dar, she just nailed it with everyone but me, add to it i had some real ooppps moments, leaving traces out, forgetting to throw things out, once left a canister with my make-up in the bathroom overnight, wig in a bag on the dresser overnight, my son and wife totally missed it or just never said anything.

so if you do it, do it your way....for your reasons.
my main reason was my dad had just passed and the family ladies were routing through his belongings...i was asked not to come...i realized that if i were to perish what would she assume and taking this to my grave was no longer an option, i could not do that to her, i would painfully answer her questions now than have her assume something that were not true....

jen@home's wife is the reason that i decided to tell as i hoped for a similar reaction....it wasnt,
things worked out for us but its not the norm....it goes both ways, best of luck if and when it happens.....

[CONSUELO]

I told my SO before we were married. Didn't tell anyone else but found out that my PA at work had figured it out and then some of her friends also. Sharp eyes and intuition will do it every time.

[Jessica Thompson]

awesome !

[Pat]

I don't have a parallel experience but my thought on this would be that if she suspects and is giving you opportunities to tell her she's also gauging your response. The less charitable way to say it is you're lying to her and she knows it. If you know someone is lying to you two issues come up: what else are they lying about and how stupid do they think you are? So if it is the case that she knows and is trying to get you to voluntarily tell her, it's probably very important that you do it soon.

On the other hand, if this is an issue that weighs heavily on your mind, you may be predisposed to hear invitations to confess in innocent comments. In that case I'd still go with telling her sooner rather than later because it will release your inner tension. I understand making plans and saying you'll do it when the kid moves out etc. But there's never really a perfect moment. Presumably you've been crossdressing all this time and there's no reason she can't know.

[AlyssaJ]

Leading up to my telling her, I thought she might know. Certainly there had been signs that I had left out there that I thought for sure she had probably put together and at least suspected. Turns out they weren't as obvious as my paranoid self thought. When I told her it was a very difficult conversation. All the cliche questions came up about was I gay, was I a woman trapped in a man's body, was I going to get a sex change.

Of course I didn't hold these against here. In our society, especially at that time (15 years ago), that was all people really heard about. She was worried she was going to lose her husband. Although she'd never admit it, I'm sure I became less of a man in her eyes as well. In the end, getting it out in the open with her was a very important step that in retrospect, probably saved our marriage.

[Jennifer0874]

after our third date I pretty much slept at my wife's place every night. Like most new couples our sex life was crazy. As such we usually dropped our clothes off on the floor as we headed to bed for a little fun. One morning when I got up, I picked her panties off the floor and said "look at these little things". She then challenged me to try them on and I obliged. She really seemed to like it. So a few days later I asked if she wanted me to do it again. She said only if I wanted to. So I did. A few days later she asked if this was a thing for me and I told her the truth. While she was always fine with the panties, it took a long time for her to be comfortable with me fully dressed.

[MissTee]

I'm thinking there's a chance she might have known because she strongly encourage me early in our marriage. Lots of hints and inundos.

[sometimes_miss]

There's always the possibility that our minds are playing a trick on us when stuff like this happens, as sometimes little remarks can actually be entirely innocent & would have been said to a non-CD.

The problem is that you can't tell whether she's fishing or hinting that she already knows. Just because she suspects, doesn't mean 1. that she knows, or 2. that she wants the outcome of her question to be that you are a crossdresser. We often get caught up in the 'wishful thinking' state, wanting so much to believe that everything will work out fine, that when the stuff hits the fan we feel like we've been blindsided.
Don't let wishful thinking cloud your judgement.


I agree with Krisi. The next time she ask if you would like to wear a dress or something, say yes, if you will help me. Be serious when you do and not leave it where she will think you are joking.
and with Halloween coming up, you can use that as an excuse. Start with a scary witch. You can go to something more feminine if that works out ok.


I would not read more into the comments than purely innocent comments. If you consider that most wives, girlfriends, etc have no real clue about cross dressing, AND THEY DO NOT, then those comments are just comments. More of a kind of kidding than a real offer.

^that's the key. Often people will suggest something they think absurd in a comedic gesture, expecting the answer to be no. Don't misunderstand that. How do I know. Before my wife found out about my crossdressing, periodically she's say something like that. The one I remember best was 'Don't get your knickers in a twist', but there were several others that implied feminine behavior on my part. Yet when she found out that I WAS a crossdresser, she was horrified.


I was going to make a post about this kind of thing myself. I recently found a very girly keychain. As kind of an inside joke, I put it on my truck keychain. This morning she saw it and was like "really?? on your truck keys??" (Like on my jeep keys would have been better). I played it off because of the obvious joke. Then she said "Sometimes, I wonder about you."
^and there it is. Coincidence. That's all.

But for me I really think she just thinks these are weird things about me.
and women are often willing to put up with all kinds of weird, until it becomes TOO weird.


I don't have a parallel experience but my thought on this would be that if she suspects and is giving you opportunities to tell her she's also gauging your response. The less charitable way to say it is you're lying to her and she knows it. If you know someone is lying to you two issues come up: what else are they lying about and how stupid do they think you are?
OR...she suspects the worst, that you ARE a crossdresser or TS, she just wants to confirm it before launching into you with both barrels, so she tiptoes around the issue, trying to get you to confirm or deny. She doesn't want a confrontation before she's sure, doesn't want to accuse you of doing something so heinous so she is trying to get you to give yourself away.


Hi Tammy, being found out is probably worse than telling her yourself, I am preparing for the big reveal in the near future, something that fills me with great trepidation but I feel its got to be done.
You really have to weigh out the potential backlash. For me, it happened all of a sudden; she found a slip that i had left out. But she thought I was fooling around on her. I only had a split second to decide whether to come clean about my crossdressing, or lie and make up some tale about a one time cheat and hope for the best. I went with the truth. And, the truth shall set you free. She divorced me. We went to therapy, the whole nine yards, for a couple of years. But she admitted that if she had known of my crossdressing beforehand,she never would have married me. Yet, many millions of marriages survive a single incidence of infidelity. It might take a while to get over, but get over it many do. No so with crossdressing, because it changes forever how she will feel about you; no longer are you the masculine macho man she got hot for; now you're a girly boy, and few women are turned on by girly boys. Most women will never want a husband who crossdresses; it's simply not something they're attracted to. No little girl grows up dreaming of a double gown wedding ceramony with her husband in a dress. The difference between a cheater and a crossdresser, is that she still sees the cheater as a masculine, sexually attractive person. Once you're seen as a girly boy, there's no going back. And if, with that image in her mind, her sexual attraction to you is lost, so may be the marriage. Don't be fooled into believing that this is the way things must go; that you've reached the breaking point and simply must tell her and hope for the best. Because if things go bad, you may NEVER get another date, and never have another wife. Ever. That's the harsh reality for most of us. Sure, there are a number of people on this forum that have accepting wifes, but few are enthusiastic about it, and there are far more that won't tolerate it at all. Plenty of men crossdress in private, and make that be good enough, knowing that it would destroy the rest of their lives it it became public knowledge. Don't throw away your life because you wish it could be better, and the pink fog has you seeing a person who's just thrilled with the idea of her husband being a crossdresser. Because YOU WILL try to make that leap; YOU WANT so much for it to be true, that she will absolutely love you becoming a sissy, dressed in woman's clothes, learning how to behave like a girl, talk like a girl, and maybe even have sex like a girl. The number of women like that out there are in the small fractions of 1%, perhaps less than a couple hundred in the whole country. Are you willing to bet your life on a 0.001% chance? Consider carefully.
Don't let the dream interfere with your sound judgement. Tread carefully. Unless you're prepared to live the rest of your life alone, do not jump in with both feet just because you want it so very much. Remember, you might want to win the lottery very much too, but the odds of finding a wife who likes crossdressing in her husband, and getting a winning lottery ticket, are about the same. Nil.

You can't unring a bell. If you are prepared for the worst possible outcome to coming out to your wife, and can accept that outcome, then proceed. Otherwise, take it very slow, and carefully make little changes that you can retreat from if necessary. As above, try the wicked witch for halloween, you can always pass it off as wanting to be something scary from the wizard of oz (there isn't another scary thing in that, so that's the excuse, you could even make it obvious by watching the movie in a week or two, and say that is what made you think of it). If that goes over well, and she doesn't make fun of the idea that you chose a female character for Halloween, then consider another 'baby step'.

[DIANEF]

Once again excellent advice from you all. Lots for me to think about. Thankyou
Diane x