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DaniT
09-14-2016, 02:21 AM
Hi all,

Danielle's first day out in the daylight. I do hope you all enjoy it
and I promise that the comedic portions really do take place in
my own head, they are not artistically added.

Also the text is formatted in a half page view because the page
glitched just as I was about to submit it and I had to go back to source
in order to copy and paste the story I spent two hours tying to tell. It
was too late and I was to lazy to take it back to a more readable full page
format. Special apology to anyone reading this on a cell phone, your eyeballs
may bleed.

Please enjoy =)



I woke up at five in the morning yesterday. I nearly flew out of bed,
despite the fact that it was thirty minutes earlier than I usually get
up for work. I didn't have to work, but I did have a lot to do. I was
going to see my therapist this morning and I thought that she ought to
know exactly what she had signed up for.

I started some coffee and I ran out the door in my nightie to
strategically position the vehicles in my driveway, and to put the
key for my work truck in the console for my colleges that were going to
borrow it that day. I saw some headlights down the street and sprinted
for the door, it wouldn't have been the first time Jim showed up early.
I'm guessing he would have been reasonably surprised to find me
standing on the road in a lacy cotton nightie.

I ran back inside and showered, and preformed my new strict shaving and
cleansing ritual. It's the part of my day that I'm sure makes my wife
roll her eyes. Whatever, she has naturally nice skin pfft! I gave
myself time to admire my nails, freshly painted a very conservative pink
the night before. I didn't spend long at it though, I had less time
than I'd ever spent to get ready.

I sat down in my office and stared into my make up mirror, I made a
couple funny faces at it. I'm not sure why I always do that?! This was
not the last chance I had to turn back but it certainly would be the
easiest. I struggled on. Make up is hard, frustrating and oh so
wonderful. I had a temper tantrum at my foundation brush, which chose
today of all days, to start shedding bristles all over my face faster
than my husky deposits them on the floor. I finished blending
foundation with a powder brush, and vowed to treat it with more care and
less contempt than the foundation brush, which had sailed over my
shoulder into the corner of the room. I snarled at the mirror, stupid
brush, I looked like an extra from The Walking Dead.

Oh well I thought, and continued on with powder, eye shadow, mascara and
lipstick. There good, I thought, now I at least look like a recently
killed extra from The Walking Dead. Maybe one that had died in a strip
club. I stuck out my tongue at the mirror. Stupid mirror, what do you
know.

My beautiful wife was up and showered now, and asked through the door
(which was closed, my wife is adverse to seeing zombies first thing in
the morning) if we could stop at a drive through to get breakfast on her
way to work. I agreed, dammit, twenty extra minutes off the clock. I
admired my nails again, oops two more minutes down.

Time to tuck, ouch, oops... okay that's better. Boyshort panties, hip
pads, body shaper, no time for adjusting butt pads. Besides I'd had
enough of that snarky mirror. I pulled up the body shaper and looked in
the full length mirror to find one hip pad drastically out of place, it
looked like I had one robot leg. Good grief, mirrors are out to get me
today. It turned out perfect on the second try. I put on my favorite
waist cincher, breast forms and bra. Only slight adjustments required
thankfully.

I wiggled into the outfit I had chosen the week before, having modeled
it and worn it around for a few hours I felt very comfortable in it. I
grabbed some medium silver hoop earrings and a cheap little necklace
that I really love. I tossed on a couple favorite rings, and borrowed a
ring from my darling wife to replace my very macho Celtic wedding band.
I carefully put on my new wig and quickly worked it into a style I
like.

I stood in the mirror transformed. Wow, I thought. I did it! There
was a cute girl looking back at me. I turned to the make up mirror and
stuck out my tongue, just to rub it's flat reflective nose in it.

I quickly put everything I needed in a purse that I borrowed from my
wife as I didn't have one of my own yet. I checked the clock on the way
out the door, three minutes to spare!

I made my wife check around the corner of the garage for any neighborly
activity, she rolled her eyes at me but did it anyways. We hopped in
the truck, that I had earlier positioned for maximum sneakiness, and
that I had left unlocked bank robbery style to make quick get away.

Just as I was regaling myself with tales of my own courage at the
challenges I had already met and stared down with smug defiance and
entirely faked composure, we got to the drive through. I ordered
breakfast for my wonderful wife, and proceeded to the window. Where I
was asked thirty seven more questions than is entirely necessary to
facilitate the required transaction of passing a paper bag between two
adjacent windows. *Confidence Level -1* My wife was clearly amused
with the discomfort I was in at the sound of my own voice, snarky wife.


We continued on to my wife's place of business, at which point I
realized that I had forgotten to apply both deodorant and perfume. My
wife thought this was quite amusing and I silently vowed to lock her in
the same closet as my makeup mirror. I dropped her off and hurried back
to the house to ensure that I would not end up smelling like the
aforementioned reanimated corpse that I though I'd look like. My
neighbors were all up by this point and I screamed into the driveway,
doing my best Dominic Toretto in a 94 Ford Ranger impression. I'm sure
the insurance company would be really happy to hear that I drove
through my own garage door because I didn't smell like dragon fruit and
vanilla.

I left in a similar fashion but smelling nice and girly.

On the thirty minute drive through rush hour traffic my worries and
fears started to get the best of me. *Confidence Level -2* Was that
girl in the car next to me staring at me? Is the guy in that huge 4x4
looking at me? Do they know? Do they hate me? I wonder what it would be
like to actually have a robot leg? It's good to have a short attention
span sometimes. It didn't help that my steel boned waist cincher was
extremely uncomfortable to drive while wearing.

I got to the pay parking lot near my therapist's office and sat there
for a couple minutes staring out the window contemplating the pros and
cons of robot leggedness. Then I checked the time, oh dear I only had
ten minutes. Then I checked Pokemon Go just to make sure there were not
Ponytas around. Then I straightened my hair, fixed my lipstick and
checked the time again. Five minutes, oh dear, I blame my make up
mirror. I took a deep breath and got out of the truck.

I started walking to the parking ticket dispenser... and I felt GREAT. I
realized over the short walk to the ticket dispenser that Danielle had
just been born. She had just become part of the world officially... and
Danielle was me! She was not just a mental construct in my mind but a
base, and real part of me. The same and separate from my male self. It
was and exhilarating and beautiful moment for me. I had to concentrate
the entire time to not cry. It was hard though and I ended up having
to jab a kleenex directly into my eyes in order to not spoil my makeup.

I'm sure anyone watching would have assumed that I was crying over $18
for two hours parking. Which is well enough because if I had been
approached at that moment I might have had a joyous tear fest, ruined my
makeup, and missed my expensive therapy.

I hurried to the building and went straight to the bathroom, luckily a
unisex bathroom. I had the snuffles and didn't want that to ruin the
three layers of mustache concealing makeup I had painstakingly
applied... it was cold out and stuff.

Even though I was almost late I still waited to take an empty elevator
to my floor. Give me a break though, you will remember I was still at
confidence level -3 right?

In the elevator I looked up from the floor to see mirror doors. I saw a
cute girl looking back at me. A cute girl to whom nothing bad had
happened! *Confidence Level +3* Back to even par... alright! I can
work with mediocrity!

I checked in with the elderly secretary at the front desk and she didn't
even bat an eye *confidence Level +2* an eagle! She told me
my therapist would be right out and to have a seat which I did
gratefully as my legs were still trembling with emotion. As I waited I
jammed another tissue in my nose and q-tipped a tiny amount of bleeding
mascara due to inadvertent eye leakage.

My therapist came around the corner and nearly jumped when she saw my
feminine self. She was clearly startled but I wasn't offended, but
rather, amused. I hadn't told her I'd be Danielle. I still haven't
told her I would be Danielle for all of our future meetings either. We
had a good session, It was good to be able to talk to someone. She
complimented me several times, and reassured me that my man hands were
not at all noticeable unless I mentioned them. In all I left the
session feeling good, confident, and proud of myself. *Confidence +5*
That was quite a buff, as anyone who has played AD&D would agree.

I had at least two hours before I had to pick up my wife again so I had
to decide what to do, I'd be damned if i was going to go home and change
though, I was enjoying being Danielle for the first time way too much
for that. I decided to go to a local downtown park to play pokemon (yes
I'm addicted). There was nobody there unfortunately and not much going
on. I walked past a line of cabs and looked over to see one middle
aged fellow staring at me and smiling, there was little doubt, he was
checking me out. Even though it creeped me out a little due to obvious
leering, and the fact that I am a straight male sexually *Confidence
Level +3*.

Well that was it then. I was at confidence level 10, I was a goddess! I
went to a thrift store looking for shoes and bought lots of things,
none of them shoes ironically. I went to a coffee shop and had a drink
and got my wife one.

In the end I was confidence level ten until I figured out that 7 hours
was about the max I could be out and about before beard hairs started
to appear in my makeup. But that's okay I needed to know that anyways.

As we speak my lovely wife is still locked in the 'closet of repentance'
with my makeup mirror (j/k of course) and I'm still at confidence level
10.

I just want you all to know that I would have never made it back from
confidence level -3 without all of you here on this forum.

Love you all,

Dani

PS: Here is a pic my wife took after my big day out.


266144

nikki47
09-14-2016, 02:55 AM
Hi Dani,
I loved reading that,you made me laugh out loud,especially when you were applying your makeup.
Your wife sounds so sweet,accepting you the way you are.
Good luck to you both.
Nikki

Elizabeth G
09-14-2016, 05:38 AM
Hi Danielle,

Thanks for making my morning! That was a thoroughly entertaining read - now I just need to clean up the coffee that I spewed on my desk:laughing: thanked for sharing.

Beth

LaurenS
09-14-2016, 06:14 AM
Great story!

mykell
09-14-2016, 06:54 AM
well you pushed the throttle all the way forward,
good to hear the mirror is in the closet and you had a chance to walk out in the wild,
hope you picked up something for the wifey while out at the thrift store,
7 hours is pushing it for myself also,
congratz....

Connie D50
09-14-2016, 06:59 AM
Thank you for your story you should write for a living. FYI You look great

carrie001
09-14-2016, 07:16 AM
Thanks for sharing your wonderful story!

IamWren
09-14-2016, 09:33 AM
Wonderful story Dani. So glad to hear that your day was for the most part uneventful.

I stepped out ONCE and one could argue that it wasn't really going out as I was away from the safe confines of my vehicle for all of about five minutes. I was in an office park parking lot trying to take pictures and noticed a guy driving by who slowed WAYYYYY down to look at me. Either he clocked me or he was leering at me. Either way, it was a very uncomfortable feeling, so your description of having the cabbie look you over is something I can relate to.

Keep your stories coming about your tales out amongst the muggles. Some of us who are firmly barricaded in the closet revel and live vicariously through them.

Hugs, Sayyidah

Allisa
09-14-2016, 10:34 AM
Great story I was a fly on the wall the whole time(didn't you hear me buzzing with laughter?), the way you described your under garments and wiggling into your outfit I was thinking along the lines of a form fitting dress but you look very cute even after a long day out. Very brave first time day walking but nothing ventured nothing gained. No excuses now for not shining in the sun, go get some sun glasses and your own purse.

Ellie Summer
09-14-2016, 10:49 AM
I hope you keep writing like this Dani :)

eire emma
09-14-2016, 11:25 AM
Looking fantastic DanI. Great experience and so well written.☺

DaniT
09-14-2016, 11:54 AM
Thank you all for the wonderful comments, it means a lot to me. Particularly those that complimented my writing. I am hoping to one day write professionally.

I do intend to continue to share my stories and experiences here, and I hope that I can continue to entertain. As my therapist is discovering, the inside of my head can be a rather strange and comedic place.

I think that the ability to laugh at myself is truly helping to keep me from feeling a lot of the negative emotions that others with gender issues face on a daily basis. That's not to say I don't still have the odd meltdown during which I may have shaved every hair on my body in one go.

All in all it really helps me to share my thoughts here, so thank you for the positive reception!

On an interesting note, after foolishly personifying my makeup mirror, I now feel bad that it's locked in the closet. I think I will let it out tonight. It's name is now Vladimirror Reflectski and has a Russian accent. :)

Dani

carhill2mn
09-14-2016, 12:00 PM
After reading your story describing yourself and your circumstances I am at a loss as to why you are seeing a counselor. It seems as if you and your wife are doing well.

DaniT
09-14-2016, 12:21 PM
We are doing fairly good, all things considered. I am dealing with a lot of stress at the moment and the nature of my gender issues compound it exponentially. Writing and dressing and joking are ways of coping for me but doesnt really address the underlying issues. It's mostly about learning about myself and learning to love myself.

Until I come out to my family and some of my friends I feel that therapy is definitely helping. Even if it is just another person to talk privately to. It has certainly reduced my meltdowns and panic attacks at least, so there's a start :)

I hope I don't need therapy for too long though. I really am very adaptable and have made a lot of changes in my life to ensure that I am more comfortable in my own skin. I smile a lot more now than ever in my life.

Dani

Lana Mae
09-14-2016, 08:05 PM
Dani, you are a great story teller!! Had me laughing a few places!! Glad you were able to get out and enjoy yourself!! Best wishes moving forward!! Can not wait to read more of your stories!! Hugs Lana Mae

natalie_cheryl
09-14-2016, 08:55 PM
that was such a great story! im so glad your first time out was so enjoyable!

Stephanie Lynne
09-14-2016, 09:12 PM
Great story! Loved reading about your day.

Jessica Thompson
09-14-2016, 09:55 PM
Thank you for sharing!

Sarah Louise
09-15-2016, 12:05 AM
Thank you for sharing. Sounds like a great day. You look great in your photo!

Sandy Clifton
09-15-2016, 01:04 AM
I'm a sucker for a good crossdressing play-by-play,
and this was a wonderful tale, well told!
Your icosahedron came up 20!

lucy_miller
09-15-2016, 05:55 AM
Lovely story, going out was probably all the therapy you needed.

bridget thronton
09-15-2016, 07:37 AM
Thanks for sharing your post and picture

Jenniferathome
09-17-2016, 07:01 PM
Danielle, First, that was an entertaining story. But second, I think it's pretty common to "grade" yourself moment to moment your first time or two out, but I'd recommend something else. Keep your head up, shoulders back and forget any particular "moment." All kinds of shit happens in the background, people turn their heads, people laugh, and we tend to think these little things are about us. They're not.

Confidence comes, for me, in not caring what the normals think. I'm just me doing me.

dolovewell
09-17-2016, 07:30 PM
Confidence comes, for me, in not caring what the normals think. I'm just me doing me.

Confidence is something I have been struggling to gain back.

When I first started dressing and going out in public I had no problems and all the confidence. My first ever public outing was at a mall on black friday. I shopped for hours in many stores and bought a lot of clothes with no bad experiences or any problems. I had all the confidence, and this was when I first started, with a bad quality wig, amateur makeup application, bad fitting clothes.

I got better at makeup, I got good looking clothes that fit, I bought a high quality wig that suited me well. My confidence couldn't be higher, and then I had a bad experience. I went to a JC Penney to shop on a Friday Night and it was not busy at all. For some reason there was a group of about 20 teenagers loitering around and hanging out there, which made no sense as this was a stand alone JC Penney, not one anchoring a mall. Why they hung out at this store I have no idea. Anyway I was leaving the store and came down the escalator, where the group of teenagers were able to size me up and get a good read on me. One of the guys in the group shouted "THATS A MAN!" and the entire group followed me through the store and out the door all the way to my car asking me if I was a man. It was mortifying.

My confidence was shot and I fell into the trap of believing it was because my makeup application was bad, I didn't shave close enough, and I need better quality makeup. I made the mistake of blaming myself and went out and got higher quality makeup and razor and concealer thinking that would be a difference. I didn't put the pieces together and realize that even with perfect makeup application and the closest shave possible and perfect fitting clothes and perfect manneurisms and gestures and posture, I still am a genetic male and there are some things I just can't control and will allow others to read me. Going forward after that I became more and more obsessed with perfection and getting it right, and was terrified about another bad experience. Not only was I afraid of another bad experience, I was afraid of simply being read and clocked. I thought anyone who gave me anything more than a glance was sizing me up. So going out in public became harder and harder to where I didn't enjoy it anymore. I ended up purging.

The proper response instead would have been to just realize that no matter what, there will just be bad apples out there. You can't let others dictate your enjoyment. You can't be afraid of the 0.1% of the population who would be rude enough to call you out. The key to confidence with this is not caring what others think.

Jenniferathome
09-17-2016, 08:04 PM
Dolovewell, I think your issue was believing you passed as a genetic woman when in fact, you did not but no one actually cared. Even the teenagers didn't really care, they're just stupid kids. The best response would be to talk to them. "Yes, I am a man, is that a problem for you?" They'd have no response.

Anyway, I know I do not pass. There is a special freedom in that. I can't lose but mostly, I don't care what the normals think. I know I am a good person. A good husband and an even better father. What could the opinion of a stranger possibly mean to me?

jennifer0918
09-17-2016, 08:20 PM
Wow you look amazing

ellbee
09-17-2016, 09:10 PM
Dolovewell, I think your issue was believing you passed as a genetic woman when in fact, you did not but no one actually cared.

Agreed. So many different possibilities which totally run the gamut. I think it's safe to say that I've experienced probably all of them, LOL.


And after a while, you can start sensing a pretty good idea of where you might have landed along the spectrum for any given circumstance. Not always, obviously, but often enough, with a fair degree of certainty.

dolovewell
09-17-2016, 09:13 PM
Dolovewell, I think your issue was believing you passed as a genetic woman when in fact, you did not but no one actually cared. Even the teenagers didn't really care, they're just stupid kids. The best response would be to talk to them. "Yes, I am a man, is that a problem for you?" They'd have no response.

Anyway, I know I do not pass. There is a special freedom in that. I can't lose but mostly, I don't care what the normals think. I know I am a good person. A good husband and an even better father. What could the opinion of a stranger possibly mean to me?

You nailed it. I had dozens of public outings with no trouble. I was also a part of another online community where I would post my pictures and receive nothing but positive feedback such as "You pass 100%" so it all got to my head, especially as I continued to improve and buy better fitting clothes and higher quality wigs/makeup. After my bad outing I still clung to the false hope that I could pass, as long as I did my makeup right, shaved close enough, used the right manneurisms and posture and body language and wore proper fitting clothes.

Clinging to that false hope made me think too much, try too hard, and worry too much which led to ultimately giving up and purging. The right course of action would have been to accept the fact I don't pass and there is nothing I can do to change that fact, which would have shifted my mindset from trying to hard to a carefree mindset of, "so what?"

It also highlights the dangers of online communities. If they are too supportive and hugboxy(i.e. complimenting someone they pass when they don't), it can be counter-productive.

Ellie Summer
09-17-2016, 09:22 PM
Dolovewell, I think your issue was believing you passed as a genetic woman
I think this is an important point which seems to come up here a lot. I know that we're all trying to get better at this, and that means trying to look more natural, but the truth is that very few of us could go completely unnoticed. If we focus so hard on trying to be passable, it can become frustrating because it can seem impossibly attainable. The closeness of our shave, too much makeup or not enough, the way our wigs fit, it's a lot of pressure if we're trying to think of passing as the ultimate goal. I really admire those who are able to go out knowing that this is the case, and owning it to high heaven. Confidence is a powerful tool that keeps arseholes at bay. I'm talking about the kind of people who prey on those who are vulnerable in their own skin (or bra). Seeing a couple of CDers at a bar laughing it up like nobody's watching is a lot less likely to attract hassle from negative Nancys than someone who is keeping their head down, looking ashamed of themselves. Jennifer's right, throw it right back in their faces and they'll have no response. "Yep, I'm wearing a dress, what's your point?" They want you to be afraid, because it's more fun for them. Stay positive!!

dolovewell
09-17-2016, 09:36 PM
Ahhh I wish there was a "like" button because I love this post!

That is exactly what led to my downfall. I tried too hard to be "passable" as if that were the ultimate goal.

Instead of worrying about "passing", just be the best lady you can be and then own it 100%.

Its been 18 months since I last dressed and purged. I've had a lot of time to think. Once I have the money(getting back into crossdressing is not cheap!) I'll jump back in. But this time I will go in with a completely different mindset. I won't care about passing. I'll just worry about being the best lady I can be, and seek the approval of myself and no one else.

When I look back at my pictures and think of my good memories of crossdressing, it was never about the validation. It was about having a good time wearing cute outfits, shopping at the mall, trying on clothes, trying new makeup, learning new techniques, and having a good time. I had so many great memories.

DaniT
09-17-2016, 09:42 PM
Thank you all, for your kind words once again.

I also deeply appreciate both the cautionary words, as well as the cautionary tale. I think I would have avoided any store with a crowd of young men out front entirely, but that's just me.

I'm going out again next weekend and will remember to keep my expectations for myself reasonable. I will be cosplaying at at a comic expo though so it's a pretty safe harassment free environment and also very LGTB friendly. I intend to have a blast!

Dani

ellbee
09-17-2016, 10:23 PM
"I will be cosplaying at a comic expo..."


I've always wanted to do this! :banana:

It really looks like a lot of fun.


And we expect a full report of your adventure!


P.S. Don't some refer to it as "crossplay"? Assuming that's what you'll be doing, anyway. ;)

Lorileah
09-17-2016, 10:45 PM
Crossplay (the term is a portmanteau of crossdressing and cosplay) is a type of cosplay in which the person dresses up as a character of a different gender. Crossplay's origins lie in the anime convention circuit, though, like cosplay, it has not remained exclusive to the genre.

Alice_2014_B
09-18-2016, 08:36 PM
Amazing glasses Dani!
Glad you had a great time out!
:)

Sheren Kelly
09-19-2016, 08:24 AM
I love this thread as well. My confidence grew when I gave up trying to "pass" as a woman, but rather try to reflect that femininity within myself through dressing.
I'm not wearing women's clothes, I am wearing MY clothes!

AlyssaJ
09-22-2016, 09:23 PM
Wow Dani, great story!! Thank you SOOOOO much for sharing and pointing me to this thread.