moms been put in the closet....

[mykell]

hello,
ive become very good friends with a mom at a trans support group i attend, she has a daughter now and she has stressed with how quickly she moved along and the amount of surgery, which ones i am not certain of as she does not offer and i do not pry.

the hardest part of this for her is no other family or friends have been told about her new "self" and mom has been told not to reveal, she tries to use the correct gender markers and still trips over them from time to time but having to use the male markers when conversing with friends and family make the transition more awkward for mom, especially when folks ask about her son, has to be a real mental hopscotch for moms brain,

now i know we all want to come out our way and our time, ive done this with my wife and as she wished no others were told so now i am half in the closet and she is now in with me, so i understand.....it has however been a lengthy time and reveal dates have been set and pushed back.

mom does not know i am here asking but since i have this resource i wanted to seek some genuine feedback and help her understand since she is what i consider a good friend, she always comes up to me after meetings and talks with me and i like that.....

any advise would be appreciated....

[I Am Paula]

You don't mention the age of the daughter, and I'm not sure it matters. This is her identity, her TRUE identity. Who is holding her back, and why? Maybe more information is needed, but it sounds like somebody is controlling the other in a most disruptive, and unfair manner. No matter when she comes out, she will win a few, and lose a few, and waiting will not change that.
Sorry I can't be more help, but something more is going on.

[mykell]

ok....relevant her daughter lives on her own 30 something and asks mom not to disclose or reveal.
dont want to disclose to much could very well be a member ???

[Pat]

If the daughter is stressing her mom over the amount of surgery then she must be out to her medical team -- there isn't a lot you can do surgically without running up against the Standards of Care that require some confirmation of being transgender. There can't be that much room left to hide.

This is a tough one and I don't think there's a definitive answer. To some extent when we come out to anyone I personally think it's unfair to ask them to keep "your" secret because it's not your secret (you're transgender) that's the problem for them, it's THEIR secret (my "son" is a transgender woman) that's the problem. And that means you're trying to solicit them for your support while at the same time trying to cut them off from their own. As you note, she's basically shoved her Mom in the closet.

Maybe the thing to do is to suggest the Mom sit down and work with her daughter to map out her timeline. If not on a calendar at least by checkpoints along the way that they can both anticipate. That will give her a sense of involvement and a sense of when she's going to be free of restrictions. It should also help her to construct a mental model that's less chaotic and provide them both with some sense of direction toward a goal. (Yeah, that's the consultant in me talking. ;) )

[SarahjayneA]

Being Transgender is hard , but hiding can also be a mental nightmare , and invariably makes matters worse by hiding , or thinking who is round the next corner , the additional dysphoria created increases over time
to an unbearable degree , i tried the hide it route for many years , and then having to revert when the granddaughter came etc , this only made matters worse , once i had words with my grandaughter , against her fathers ( my son)
request , as she was only 5 , she accepted without so much as a word , and indeed now picks out my dresses and uses my makeup , the relief of now not having to hide , or lock myself in a spare room for 2 days crying
not only is it the best way, the mental tug of war games have subsided .

[mykell]

hi jennie,
well i was hoping for a little more to be honest but it is what it is....

yes the daughter is out to her medical team.
mom has been kept in the loop, she has even flew out a few times to visit and see how happy her daughter is, good stuff.
i will talk to her about the checkpoints you reference and setting the final goal which i suspect the daughter feels is when all her procedures have been completed.

thank you for the feedback....