Some things I've learned

[Sarah-RT]

Hey everyone, I've reappeared from myself imposed exile.
The last time I posted here as far as I recall I was attending counselling and had a psychologist visit lined up to get to the bottom of my issues.
After that visit back in June he proposed the offer of aiming to go on a regimen of anti androgens and helped me accept some personal worries of transition.
After I set up an appointment for a laser removal consultation but discovered it would be ineffective due to my hair colouration, I felt disheartened afterwards.

I had a holiday in Italy soon after and never organised to schedule the next counselling session and since have not had one. I am still in the same mental health as I was 2 months ago and have potentially gotten worse. I find I'm isolating myself somewhat from friends and family, I'm drinking solely to get drunk and I'm smoking like a trooper, worst of all I've started back to college and while it's fine now I remember last semester struggling to focus and I don't want that to come back. It's happening in work too where I get so mentally frustrated I sit on the edge of the decision to ask to leave early and go home or to call in sick from the beginning because I can't tolerate the goings on in my head.

I've found myself lately debating in my mind that I am indeed female and trying to accept that idea.my hair is getting long now and every time I look in the mirror I try to find the girl who I think should be there, sometimes I find I don't recognise myself and it's a very jarring experience to have. I'm now trying to build myself up to go for electrolysis as well because, while I can't even say I detest my facial hair because I can't trust my thoughts I know I don't like touching it or shaving it and I just don't want it.

I'm beginning to come around to the idea that at the very very least I'm not CIS because I'm happy when I can be in a comfortable position thinking of myself as female. But I so often find I can't get to that comfortable position because of fears and worries and what others think of me. I heard a lovely quote the other day that related to me ; 'surely a live dog is better than a dead lion'
I'm finding more and more that what I want is less and less to do with makeup and clothes and more to do with physicality and social interaction.

I just wanted to write this here as I find myself increasingly awkward around others and discussing my gender so I just needed a little space to say all that.

Sarah x

[JanePeterson]

Welcome back...

Where do you stand with therapy now? I had a hard time understanding the details around that part of your story - I think you may know it yourself from what you've said, but this isn't going to go away or get any easier; getting back into therapy and putting together a plan for what you need to do to survive is really vital.

Hang in there, and try not to go too overboard with the self medication :(

[MissDanielle]

Hugs. Hang in there.

[AmyGaleRT]

I've found myself lately debating in my mind that I am indeed female and trying to accept that idea.my hair is getting long now and every time I look in the mirror I try to find the girl who I think should be there, sometimes I find I don't recognise myself and it's a very jarring experience to have. I'm now trying to build myself up to go for electrolysis as well because, while I can't even say I detest my facial hair because I can't trust my thoughts I know I don't like touching it or shaving it and I just don't want it.

I can understand this. I've had a number of laser hair removal treatments on my face thusfar. (I've never liked facial hair, and getting rid of it to help my feminine appearance appealed to me.) And I've long since grown out my hair.

Just this morning, I was sitting on a stool in front of my bathroom mirror. I was wearing a long, loose tricot nightgown in a golden color, and my hair was down. I had my right leg propped up, and had pulled the gown up to my thigh, to set my contact lens case on my bare leg so I could put my lenses in. As I got them both in, I looked up at the mirror--and caught my breath.

Without shifting my position, I reached for my hairbrush and brushed out my hair a bit, letting it fall into the style I naturally wear as Amy. Something about that image in the mirror was just...sensual is the best way I could describe it. I wasn't exposing anything untoward, but just something about how my hair fell, the drape of the gown against me, the exposed, smooth (recently epilated) leg...my thoughts were going oh my goodness, this is ME, I'm really seeing MYSELF... (I'd have taken a picture, but I didn't have my phone with me. And it might have ruined the effect anyway.)

I believe I saw myself as a woman, in a way I'd never really seen before. And it was a powerful sight.

I hope you find that woman in the mirror for yourself, eventually.

- Amy

[Sarah-RT]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Jane: sorry if that was unclear, i basically stopped going to counselling after I had a holiday/vacation in the hopes that my issues would go away. My logic for that was because I felt regularly attending therapy was focusing me on my issues and if I stopped id hopefully not worry too much about them, especially since I had closed myself off from my friends about it too so I figured no external input would leave me able to avoid it. It didn't work.
I'm not self med-ing, unless that was a reference to the drinking and smoking?

Amy: I had a moment like that this morning, and it's been a long time since I've experienced it, I was brushing my hair before heading to college and as I was tidying it to tie it back I realised I was standing there holding these lengths of hair beside my face and had a very quick 'oh god, look! Look at me, I look female' moment. I've spent the rest of the morning thus far trying to acknowledge that this is what I need, this is what my brain is searching for.

As a result of that I've emailed the psychologist I visited to follow up on seeking anti androgens. I want to see how I think and feel without testosterone, I know it has no major physical effects but if every time I look at myself and think of myself like I did this morning than that is how I want to proceed, I'm very tired and exhausted of the mental games. I want to be happy as a person.

Sarah

[Bria]

I hope that the therapy helps clarify some of your issues.

Hugs, Bria