lost peece of mind. What does lie ahead?

[Katya@]

Hi girls,
So for the past couple of years, I thought that I finally came with terms about who I am, and what my needs are. I was happy with that, everything finally started to make sense, but now I feel like things are changing again, and I don't know where it leads me and it makes me nervous and anxious. After being happy giving advice here to others, I now need one for myself.

Basically, I break it down to myself into two - gender identity and sexual orientation. The sexual orientation is easy for me - it is rock solid consistent with that of cis-male. Where I see things get murky for myself is with gender identity. I think of myself as male first, and am OK with that. No negative feelings about it whatsoever. It is just the I feel that female part of me started to demand more and more of me, for no apparent reason. I started to look at women differently. Where in the past, I will just look at them through the eyes of a typical guy, now I pay attention on how the dresses, what their haircut looks like, how they walk, how they talks, etc, as if subconsciously I am trying to learn it so to be able to emulate as best as I can. Ideas of HRT came to my mind, don't know why. I read about it, and pushed it away. Somehow I feel like my inner girl pushes me to come out, and be more female, live as a female...but consciously, I don't want it at this point of my life because of career, family obligation, etc (my wife won't be OK with this :eek:).

Just as a background - I came out to my wife many years ago. I get dressed at home in the evenings. Used to be occasionally, now almost daily (just clothes). My two younger daughters know about my dressing. They are under 8 and that doesn't bother them. I am out to my in-laws and my brother. I don't go out dressed, except late in the evenings to walk out the dog. Everything seemed to be in place. I was happy being a guy in a dress when he wants it, and now as I said, it feels as if the earth is moving from under my feet. I don't know what to make about of it and what to do...but it scares me somewhat because I don't feel that I am ready for anything more yet.

[AlyssaJ]

You're experience sounds very similar to mine. For the longest time, I simply chalked my cross-dressing desires up to sexual fetish and nothing more. However, more recently I've become aware that I do have a very fluid gender identity and that this is the driving force behind my need to cross-dress. The question of where it ends is not one any of us can answer for you. As you've already experienced, gender identity is an ever evolving thing for many people. While today you may feel male with just a feminine side, there's no guarantee that 5, 10, 15 years down the road you won't decide that you're truly female and need to transition fully. HRT of course would be a first step toward that.

One thing you have to ask yourself about the HRT is what is truly holding you back? Is it only the logistics of career and family obligations? In other words if you could start anew somewhere free of all those obligations would you then go ahead with the treatment? If so, there's a fairly good chance you're headed that way anyway. Repression just leads to a greater longing and sooner or later you'll be pushed past that brink. Now again I can't say for sure that'll happen, that's something you have to explore for yourself.

I have similar questions and realized that after 15 years of insisting this was a fetish and denying my gender identity, I can't count on myself alone to be truly objective in that self analysis. I'm starting therapy in order to have an objective person direct my self reflection and challenge me to be truthful and realistic with myself. It's a scary thing in many ways but living in denial just causes problems that I can't deal with anymore. Perhaps that might be an option you want to explore as well, but again only you can make that determination.

Sorry, I feel like I gave you a lot of "I can't answer that" responses but each of us is different and on our own journey. All we can do is share with each other and hope that we can learn from each other's experience.

[IamWren]

Sorry you're feeling some anxiety over things Katya.
I think maybe taking a peek over at the new TG/Non Binary subforum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?99-TG-Gender-Non-Binary) might be a place to find some information. There have been some really good conversations going on over there for those who feel in between — you know like being more than a CDer but not quite a TS lady.

[Pat]

Basically, I break it down to myself into two - gender identity and sexual orientation. The sexual orientation is easy for me - it is rock solid consistent with that of cis-male.


OK, cis-male is not a thing so I'm guessing you mean heterosexual (i.e. "straight.") That's cool and has nothing to do with gender identity.

Echoing back what I'm hearing: you crossdress and you're out to your wife but now you're feeling like there's more to it. That's also cool and it's time, probably, to seek a gender counsellor who is experienced with transgender people and talk about what's going on. It's a little daunting to get started, but it will help you a lot to figure out if you're transgender (probably) and if so what kind. If you're on health insurance use your "find a doctor" app from your provider and look up potential therapists and call around to make sure they have real experience with actual transgender people. After talking for a while if you need to take further steps, they'll guide you to the appropriate specialists.

Good luck. It seems scary at first, it's an interesting ride. ;)

[CONSUELO]

Your attitude towards females-- focussing more on how they dress, walk, use makeup etc. etc.--- is one shared with lots of cross dressers. i love watching women and their clothing and try hard to find ideas for dressing or jewelry or makeup. I don't look at women in a sexual way and have not done so for a long, long time. I also desire a more feminine body and so I epilate and pluck my eyebrows etc. I have wondered about growing my breasts also but have never wanted to go all the way to HRT and a sex change operation.

I don't think I am alone in this state of mind and I don't think you are either. Don't get too concerned. As we age and our hormone balance changes we do change and look at things differently. I do think it would help to find a good counsellor though so that you can find your balance. Do select someone who has experience in these matters however.

[Micki_Finn]

This seems pretty normal to me. I'm not a doctor or anything but as men age the testosterone levels tend to decrease which may allow us to more freely experience our feminine side maybe?

On the one hand you say you're not "ready for anything more yet" and yet you're dressing more and thinking about HRT, it sounds like you ARE ready for more but are afraid of what it means and where it might lead. Well if that is the case all I can tell you is don't panic. Just because you have these feelings doesn't mean you're going to run out and chop off your man-bits. These feelings can come and go. Sometimes it'll be stronger than others but it's all relatively normal.

- - - Updated - - -


OK, cis-male is not a thing

How is cis male "not a thing"? From time magazine:

Cisgender is a word that applies to the vast majority of people, describing a person who is not transgender. If a doctor announces, “It’s a girl!” in the delivery room based on the child’s body and that baby grows up to identify as a woman, that person is cisgender. Similarly, a baby designated male in the delivery room who grows up to identify as a man is cisgender. This is the case for about 99% of the population, at least according to the best available statistics...

In 2013, Oxford Dictionaries—the branch of Oxford that deals with modern usage, words we’re using now and how we use them—added cisgender to their ranks. Stephen Colbert joked in June that he is “cis-white,” because “I’ve always been comfortable with my birth race.” And in February, Facebook added no less than 10 “cis” terms among their expanded options for gender, ranging from plain cis to cis male to cis woman.

[audreyinalbany]

cis-

1.a prefix occurring in loanwords from Latin meaning “on the near side of; on this side of” ( cisalpine); on this model, used in the formation of compound words ( cisatlantic).

just got wondering what the 'cis' prefix meant

[Nadine Spirit]

Yeah, (in response to Micki) but cis-male is does not equate to heterosexual, which is what I think the OP was attempting to state. One can be a cis-male, as in their at birth identified gender is the one that coincides with their internal perception of their own gender and they happen to be male. As a subset of cisgender. But again, one's gender identity is separate from their sexual orientation.

Yeah?

[Pat]

How is cis male "not a thing"? From time magazine:

She was talking about sexual preference. Sorry if I was unclear.

[Lana Mae]

I have similar feelings, but they come and go! Sometimes I look at females and get jealous or envious of how they look. I am always looking at the way females are dressed. I consider myself male but wonder what it would be like to have breasts. Presently I do not want to change my plumbing. I think everyone has given you good advise and keep the communication with your wife open! Just I think we all have these thoughts but the intensity varies. A therapist should be able to help with this. Best wishes moving forward and keep us advised! Hugs Lana Mae

[Katya@]

Hi folks,

Thank you to all of you who took time to reply. Your questions and thoughts are big help. I totally agree that it will be good to seek help of someone, who has experience helping with gender issues. Thankfully, in the place where I live, there is great deal of help, and I have good health insurance too. I do afraid to uncover the truth, but I do need to help to understand where I am and think about what to do with this later. The family obligation on top of not a rock solid marriage is there, and I can't, nor do I want to pretend it is not there. <This> part of me does cast some shadow on my relationship too, in other words, it doesn't help. So as for most of us, it is very fine line we need to walk to balance it all out.

Just to briefly address other comments:
- cis-male - that was just in reference to my sexual orientation, i.e. being in line with straight male. Simply, attraction to female only. D
- I know it is common for CD folks to pay attention to how other dress, haircuts, etc. However, I didn't care about these things until recently, even though I cross dress for years now. However, I did grow out my hair, so haircuts are more of an interest to me now. Yes, it is possible it just a phase, and I hope it is, but I do feel that I need to give more opportunity to myself to feel female lately after being somewhat steady for couple of years.

[Krisi]

.......Cisgender is a word that applies to the vast majority of people, describing a person who is not transgender.......

Since the vast majority of people are not transgender, why do some people insist on using the term? Wouldn't "male" and "female" suffice?

[Tracii G]

Another term people like to use to make them appear smarter than the person they are talking to.
Male and female works just fine.

[Pat]

Since the vast majority of people are not transgender, why do some people insist on using the term? Wouldn't "male" and "female" suffice?

In a word, no. It did not suffice and that's why the term cisgender was coined. If the topic under discussion is gender then you need terms that specify gender.

[Krisi]

"Male" and "female" work in my world. Transgender man or transgender woman would be applied when appropriate. I never hear or read the "cis" thing except on this forum from those with an agenda..

[Teresa]

Krisi,
On this point I do agree with you unless a person has a trait why do the rest have to have a different label other than male or female, I'd never come across the term before joining the forum. I hope this doesn't spark off another label debate !

[Alice Torn]

:eek:I agree with Krisi and Tracii. I had no idea what the hell Cis gender meant, until just recently. I was very confused by yet more labels!!

[Lorileah]

"Male" and "female" work in my world. Transgender man or transgender woman would be applied when appropriate. I never hear or read the "cis" thing except on this forum from those with an agenda..

except I am a transgendered person who is a woman, and a female contrary to physical characteristics at birth. Once again semantics make a huge difference depending on your audience. Here, the majority ARE transgendered so using the prefix "cis" has purpose. And everyone has an agenda, otherwise we would get nothing done.

So back on track with the OP please