Why does she see CDing taboo or homosexual?

[jennifer0918]

Well it happened to me again with my SO,I prepared a nice dinner for the family took me a little time and wanted to have dinner ready for her when she got home from work.I went shopping made sure everything was fresh also picked up around the house,tell me why she comes in the door and calls me buffalo Bill and asked if when I was picking up around the house was I playing,goodbye horses,like in the movie silence of the lambs?I shook my head and continued to serve dinner and stayed quite. I don't if it's female intuition like some gg's have said in the past or she is just plain ignorant, or she has a fobia about anything that's not like leave it to beaver.

[Teresa]

Jennifer,
Sometimes when we get these of the cuff and totally incorrect remarks we really should sit them down and put the facts straight to them.

A couple of weeks ago I stayed over with another member of my social group, my wife immediately commented on his neighbours thinking we are gay, I told her straight that I'm not interested in him and he's not interested in me, on the other hand if another woman had been in involved she should start to worry !

For many of them there are so many things which they think should be taboo about CDing but very few are based on truth but they still toss the comments about . I guess it's a little self defence but the comments do wear very thin after a while especially as you say you have put a nice meal on the table and done the housework . I do all the cooking and cleaning plus most of the washing and ironing, OK she knows I do it dressed but at least it gets done .

[Krisi]

I'm sorry but I read the post three times and it doesn't make sense to me and I don't see anything about crossdressing or homosexuality in it. Are there some code words that I am not familiar with? "Buffalo Bill"?

[Ellie Summer]

It's a reference to silence of the lambs. Buffalo bill was the creepy antagonist who also happened to wear women's clothes

[misschris]

Bill didn't just wear their clothes...

[Ellie Summer]

That was a great film but it's stuff like that that makes us look bad in the eyes of the public

[Lorileah]

Krisi, Buffalo Bill was a character in Silence of the Lambs. I don't know if yiu want the plot but basically Buffalo Bill was a transsexual who was also a serial killer (one thing I absolutely detest is that in most mainstream films the TG is a pervert, killer,or clown or all three). As we know the main part of the world gets their info on other people via media and this was one of the worst PR blunders for the TG world. The "Goodbye Horses" is played while the killer is admiring themselves in the mirror

[Alice_2014_B]

I'm sorry but I read the post three times and it doesn't make sense to me and I don't see anything about crossdressing or homosexuality in it. Are there some code words that I am not familiar with? "Buffalo Bill"?

I get the "Buffalo Bill" reference to "Silence of the Lambs".

[Krisi]

I'm not much into movies so I'm not familiar with the story or the characters. I guess the original post was a riddle of sorts. I'm still not sure what the point was.

I do understand the last sentence and it concerns me that someone would talk about his wife in that tone. I think this marriage needs work.

We have to communicate with our spouses if we want to stay happily married to them. It goes both ways of course and some relationships will not work out in the end. Many can be saved with communication and compromise.

[FrankieB]

I find this most odd. There are many other scenarios that a partner could walk in on that I am not going to mention here which would be more damaging to a relationship.
We can keep ourselves occupied/amused on our own by dressing an doing housework as well. Where's the harm? Not cheating and don't intend to either.
But it appears from many posts on this site that a large number of SOs still find it difficult to comprehend.

[Teresa]

I must admit when " Silence of the Lambs ", was first released I didn't know the plot but I like Anthony Hopkins as an actor so I convinced my wife and sister in law to see it while on holiday. They didn't say much after but at least they didn't know about my CDing then , I still wonder now what they would have thought if they had known.

[Krisi]

I find this most odd. There are many other scenarios that a partner could walk in on that I am not going to mention here which would be more damaging to a relationship.
We can keep ourselves occupied/amused on our own by dressing an doing housework as well. Where's the harm? Not cheating and don't intend to either.
But it appears from many posts on this site that a large number of SOs still find it difficult to comprehend.
We are crossdressers ourselves and also husbands/boyfriends so we are not in a position to understand how women really feel about men dressing as women and prancing around the house or going out in public. This web forum represents a tiny fraction of the world's population and we don't hear from men who don't crossdress or their wives either.

I think it's best to imagine that you are not a crossdresser and have never even thought of it but you come home one day to find your wife with her hair up under a baseball cap, her breasts bound, a fake beard and wearing men's clothes and shoes. Would that be a shock to you? How would you feel about it especially if she did it on a regular basis?

[Lorileah]

Some people will throw out a defensive line any time they feel threatened or uncomfortable. There may be more to the story here we don't know. Was the OP dressed up when the spouse came home. If so in what? Is this something the OP does trying to convince the SO that if they could dress the benefits would be greater? I say this because, even though my wife was accepting of me for the most part, I tried to negotiate what I would wear. Usually in the manner of "Hey I'll clean the house if I can wear heels." She would always answer "Why do you need heels to clean the house? Just do it. I don't care what you wear." But to me it made sense (I hate cleaning the house and my reward was wearing heels while doing it, which now seems strange because they re so uncomfortable while vacuuming. Yeah I had a closet and I was in it). OTOH, I would make dinner for her with no strings and she loved it (she disliked cooking). Her perspective though was that clothes were practical. It's hard to do physical work in a skirt. But she also told me to go put on a skirt when I was stressed.

So, I wonder, what is the back story here. Is the making dinner a prelude (or has been before) to the dressing?

[Ellie Summer]

I think it's best to imagine that you are not a crossdresser and have never even thought of it but you come home one day to find your wife with her hair up under a baseball cap, her breasts bound, a fake beard and wearing men's clothes and shoes. Would that be a shock to you? How would you feel about it especially if she did it on a regular basis?
I think this is a good point worth remembering. I always try to look at the other person's point of view before allowing myself to get upset about something. They likely have a point that I just haven't considered yet. If my SO wanted to do those kinds of things, what would put my mind at ease about it? Maybe if she said " look, i still love you to death, this doesn't get in the way of that, it's not a replacement of you, it's not a threat to you. If it makes you uncomfortable then I don't have to do it in front of you." Turn the tables around and see how it feels, and that can help determine how to approach a conversation. Of course, going at it in a negative way is only going to make it worse, so forget that as a possibility. It can't be an accusation of unfairness. Nobody likes to be treated like their feelings are invalid, so we have to validate them as a step towards working through them.

[Lorileah]

I think it's best to imagine that you are not a crossdresser and have never even thought of it but you come home one day to find your wife with her hair up under a baseball cap, her breasts bound, a fake beard and wearing men's clothes and shoes. Would that be a shock to you? How would you feel about it especially if she did it on a regular basis? :thinking: hmmm, that would be an interesting thread.

[FrankieB]

Krisi, at times I take that approach. I even find myself laughing at myself. But I still cannot help myself. If I feel unease or it is inappropriate, I dont do it.
My point is, like your own, is there are many situations and things people may be into. Some out themselves, others like to keep it hidden for many reasons.
As discussed here often, there is acceptance, compromise or the end of the relationship.

[Dana44]

Strangely, I've known house husbands that do all of that and are happy as a house husband. I would communicate with her and find out what she thought. That is the prime question, communication in a relationships very important. So, I would ask her what she meant and try to fix that issue so she doesn't feel that way. Most would feel happy to come home and dinner is made for them. By the way silence of the lamb was a strange movie and it is a strange reference to bring that up as it was twisted.

[Micki_Finn]

I'm with Lorileah here. I feel like there's some info missing from this story. I can't help but think maybe they had an agreement that maybe Jennifer violated? It seems odd that she would have such a dim view of crossdressing that she would resort to calling her a psychopath but would stay in the relationship.

Now If she DID just come home and started spouting hurtful things like tha for no reasont, I'd have to call that an abusive relationship and would advise Jennifer to GTFO NOW. Verbal abuse is still abuse and yes, men can be victims of abuse.

[Lana Mae]

Relationships are held together with honesty, trust and communication! I agree with what Micki said, could be an abusive relationship Unless there is a reason for the SO to come home and fly off the handle. Are we getting the full story?? Best wishes going forward Hugs Lana Mae

[jennifer0918]

The story is simple I cooked ,and cleaned in guy mode not in enfemme. It might be that she maybe has an idea of me CDing but she has never made a comment,for example hey whose bra is this or whose panties.About the movie silence of the lambs I don't know why she made that comment to me,it's always goes like this if I cook a meal I'm Caitlyn, if I wash clothes I'm Caitlyn anything domestic she finds away to say I'm trying to a girl,maybe her insecurity thinking that if we ever divorce she's afraid I could manage without her.Ladies thanks for all the advice but I did give you the full story.

[Krisi]

Does she know that you are a crossdresser? Has she found strange bras or panties around the house?

If she makes negative comments when you cook or clean, you could just stop doing those things but a better plan would be to sit her down and talk about why she makes negative comments when you try to help around the house. Communication is the key.

BTW: Most of us have moved past the 1950s idea of "women's work" and "men's work". Partners share the workload and each does what he or she does best or has time for.

[DanielleLee]

Hi Jennifer,

Based on your previous posts, you've said that you're wife doesn't suspect or doesn't know you cross dress. These comments that she is making offhand, leads me to believe otherwise. It's time to have a talk with her... as painful as it may be... it's time. Good Luck

[jennifer0918]

Krisi,I have asked her in the past and it appears she is still stuck in the 1950s.She feels I shouldn't be doing domestic work,because her old man will never cook and her mom used this as ammo against her father when her mom would get angry at him.When her mom is upset she won't cook for him and just have him snacking all day.My SO when she found out that I could cook,iron,wash,and clean around the house in her up bringing she was not used to seeing a man doing these duties. There were 2 incidents in the past 1 I had left a skirt out by accident, and a wig .I was able to explain my way out of it in both cases. Her idea about the cd community comes from movies,media, E!,and logo.She has never picked up a book or even researched online about CDing she puts all this under one umbrella or should I say rainbow and this far from fact when it comes to me.

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DanielleLee I think you maybe right but if she is this hurtfull just with the idea of suspecting me how much more offensive is she going to be when she has all the facts? She is so stubborn stuck in her ways and will not listen to reason I'm a crossdresser have been for many years as manny times in the past I tried to make this go away ,it didnt.Now in my life i have learned that CDing is part of me ,just like my eyes,my hand,my heart,my mind,it's just who I am it's what makes me unique and not a carbon copy of her father.I'm sorry I didn't let her know when we met and started dating years ago but when I meet her I had stopped CDing.I tought I was cured by some miracle and that I was never going to cd again and I owed it all to her so I purged and was her boyfriend, later her husband and all was well.For many years I lived thinking it was over but the feelings, the need to dress came back.
And now I'm here ....
In this point of my life at a crossroads. .

[Micki_Finn]

If this is true, I have to say I'm a little appalled that you're still with her allowing her to pass these attitudes on to your kids.

This seems a rather archaic view from a woman who's holding a job. If her husband shouldn't be doing any "women's work" why is she holding down a job and not staying home to be the domestic?

[jennifer0918]

Micki she holds her job because she likes money, on my income alone she will not have the cable tv,the Internet, her 100 pair of heels and the lifestyle she enjoys now.My oldest now has a terrible attitude towards me only when I disagree with her (my kid) and yes you are right about passing this on to the kids I have seen this in my household. I have in the past tried to leave but came back because she threatened suicide and I don't need that.I don't know Micki right now should I get divorced? divorces can be brutal and hurtful but also living like this is not right .

[Mayo]

Krisi,I have asked her in the past and it appears she is still stuck in the 1950s.She feels I shouldn't be doing domestic work,because her old man will never cook and her mom used this as ammo against her father when her mom would get angry at him.When her mom is upset she won't cook for him and just have him snacking all day.My SO when she found out that I could cook,iron,wash,and clean around the house in her up bringing she was not used to seeing a man doing these duties. There were 2 incidents in the past 1 I had left a skirt out by accident, and a wig .I was able to explain my way out of it in both cases. Her idea about the cd community comes from movies,media, E!,and logo.She has never picked up a book or even researched online about CDing she puts all this under one umbrella or should I say rainbow and this far from fact when it comes to me.
I think that's your answer, right there. She has a very old-fashioned view of gender roles, and for a man to cook or clean must mean there's something 'feminine' (and not in a good way) about him, thus the comment about CDing. She may have meant it as a joke or as a veiled/low-level insult (that's for you to decide), but it probably doesn't mean that you've been outed. If she knew you were a CD, you'd probably hear her opinion loud and clear. I suppose you could always try opening conversation by mentioning a news article or TV show on trans/CD people* and see what her reaction is.

* The remake of Rocky Horror with Laverne Cox is coming out in October, though that may not be the best way to introduce the topic. :) I've heard good things about the show Transparent but haven't seen it myself.


I think it's best to imagine that you are not a crossdresser and have never even thought of it but you come home one day to find your wife with her hair up under a baseball cap, her breasts bound, a fake beard and wearing men's clothes and shoes. Would that be a shock to you? How would you feel about it especially if she did it on a regular basis?
It would be a shock, but I personally wouldn't have a problem with it. :) I can see how a lot of people might, though.

[HelenR2]

As I remember...... Buffalo Bill thought he was transsexual but Dr. Lecter disagreed and told Clarice to search for people who had approached gender identity clinics but had been turned away as Bill did not fit he their definition of transgender.

[Tracii G]

Here is a novel idea:
Stand up to her and stop taking her BS.
If she is so June Cleaver ish in her beliefs say ok you clean the house then.Get on her if she doesn't clean it to your liking.
Stop cooking her dinner. Be the typical 50's male sit in the easy chair watch TV and tell her to bring you a beer.

[Mayo]

I have in the past tried to leave but came back because she threatened suicide and I don't need that.
That's flat-out emotional blackmail. It's very likely that she doesn't mean it and is simply manipulating you, which is another signal that you should leave. If she threatens again to do it, you tell her that you're concerned and give her some resources for self-help, and/or contact some of her friends and have them act as a safety net for her.

[jennifer0918]

Tracii it's funny you said that because she gets home from work late hungry and I didn't cook anything, she goes crazy her last comment was this,"hey you didn't cook?"me:no time! Her:"you're the b*tch,how come you didn't cook ?I ignored her bit my tongue and sat my butt in the couch watching baseball...

[Stephanie47]

I'm a retiree with a working wife, although right now our routine has been interrupted due to illness. We're in a DADT marriage. She knows or should know I wear women's clothing when she is at work. I do the baking and meal preparation, vacuuming, laundry and some ironing, washing dishes, etc. I do the cooking in the evening, not en femme, and she is appreciative of my efforts. Years ago she would make comments I did not appreciate about television shows that showed men as women. I don't know if she was intentionally trying to hurt me or she was just voicing an opinion. I asked her to think about what she was saying and to drop it. She did. I think over the years she has come to realize it is something we are born with. I do not think the situation is helped with portrayals of cross dressing men attired as ****s, clowns or perverts.

[jennifer0918]

Stephanie I think she fears that if she leaves me I could survive without her,so that's her way to outlet her insecurities by calling me names.But the convo always starts if she leaves, never if I leave, and believe me I been want to leave for a long time.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Her comment is cruel, contemptuous and ignorant. The lady sounds like she has a lot of hostility towards you. It also sounds like she enjoys harbouring hostility towards you. My immediate thought is lawyer-up and get outta Dodge, but I don't know if that is currently an option for you?

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Alice Torn]

Krisi, Well sais. Something we often don't like to consider.

[CONSUELO]

I thought that Silence of the Lambs was a very well-made thriller that in true Hollywood fashion, manipulated us into watching evil incarnate. I came away from that film feeling as if i had been USED, in the sense of having my emotions manipulated by the use of completely false constructs. I think "slimmed" would be a good word.

As for Jennifer, she is being abused badly and needs to do something about it. If a husband was doing that the advice would be to contact a women's shelter, but I don't know of anything similar for abused husbands.

[Tracii G]

Having been in two marriages that were very much like yours that is why I have a jaded outlook.
I refuse to be used and abused again.

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes,., sad to day, separating, or divorce, is the most merciful thing to do, for all involved, if lots of talking and counseling does no good. In time, you and her and the children may be able to be friends again. No guarantee though/

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Sadly, our world does not consider that men are abused, too. We are supposed to be strong, and take it, and are on our own. But, here are some attorneys that specialize in mens' cases.

[jennifer0918]

My fear with attorneys is when she hires one that my CDing will come to light.I don't know how me dressing will stop me from being a loving father to my children. But in modern America with all the taboo so rounded around crossdressing my concern is that her lawyers will hint that I'm homosexual for dressing witch is far beyond reality .Ladies I'm a firm believer of there is always 2 sides to every story I wish some how she could state her case on forum and like that really know for sure if it's me with the problem. Because I'm ready to move on ..for my own sanity

[suzanne]

There's bigotry and biases everywhere these days. The really bad news is that when the holder of a toxic idea is presented with contrdictory evidence they double down on it rather than change their minds.

I have no idea how to combat this. My education and working life have all been evidence based, so I can't conceive how proven facts fail to work. So I just try to proceed with my own life and hope someone's observing how it's working for me.