Threats

[ChristinaK]

I'm seeing a therapist now and she says I should not feel guilty about being somewhere on the TG scale. Yet, we still have to face life.

The girl accross.the street plays and goes to school with my daughter. If she found out, it would be all over the school and my daughter would be devastated. So, I have to try to minimize my look when coming or going in my car. Her mother got a long look at me once, but she either thought I was my sister, or she used discretion in not telling her daughter.

The other night, my wife had a coworker spend the night. I forgot she was here. I woke up in a sweat, so walked down the hallway wearing a purple, nylon, shiny, female pj top and granny panties to turn on the AC. I noticed the light on in the guest room and the kitchen light was on to. Not more than 6 feet from me. Then I remembered! She was up and around. I quickly got back to my room.

Had she seen me, it would have made my wife extremely angry and she would worry that others would find out.

How am I supposed to embrace my feminine side and be comfortable with who I am when it's so unnatural to others? For just myself, I don't really care anymore if someone finds out. But I care for the sake of my family. Just venting girls.

[Krisi]

We often forget that we are not in this world alone. What we do affects our families and loved ones and it can affect our social relationships and careers as well. I would find it pretty hard to forget having a houseguest so I would be wearing pajamas or other male clothing at night. I also avoid being dressed as Krisi while going to or coming from my vehicle.

You have a wife and a child to consider. Some might say you have the "pink fog" but I will say that you need to think about the consequences of your actions and act accordingly. Get your "feminine side" under control for their sake.

Example: I will be flying across the country in a couple of weeks to visit family. I will take only male clothing including men's briefs. No need to risk anyone asking questions. I can be Krisi again when I get home.

[Teresa]

Christina,
To me that's the hurdle we need to cross, you are seeing a therapist now, for the sessions to truly work for you the fears need to be dispelled , what you're doing isn't wrong, you have an inner need that needs satisfying. It comes to a point where all the hiding and secrecy has to stop for you to move forward and truly find yourself. I do know what it's like I had to go through two sessions of therapy in a DADT situation and still find myself, it is extremely hard to do. I will admit my children had all left and were married but they were still hurdles I had to jump to tell them and not upset my wife in the process. It did get to the point where I had to write down where Iwas with my CDing and sit down calmly with my wife to see if my needs were too far out of her comfort zone. For a while we did get close to a separation but after 42 years of marriage there was too much hurt for the family for it to happen. I knew I was accepting a compromised life style but then none CDers often live with compromises .

I do agree that I no longer care who knows , being born wired this way is part of me whatever people say or do isn't going to change that, so we shouldn't be made to feel guilty or ashamed for something we can do nothing about.

[Kate Simmons]

I've had many such close calls over the years before I finally came out. The children have grown and flown as has my other half, so now I just take things as they come a day at a time.:)

[Alice Torn]

I have to agree with Krisi here. We have to consider others feelings, and the consequences to them, our jobs, neighbors, families, it we have them, and of course ourselves. To total strangers,not a big deal. i am so glad i did not tell a former care giver to my late father , the other night, as we had a bit spat over money i gave her. I was about to out myself to her, the night before! If i had, she likely would have told my sister and brother, and i would be a laughing stock, and ridiculed by everyone who knows me in these parts, before i move away.

[audreyinalbany]

I have to agree that it's not just all about us and what we want or need. If we're in a relationship, we owe that other person the respect to either embrace or not our 'other selves." It may be painful at times, but I think there is such a thing as just being sensitive to our SO's point of view.

[Jaylyn]

I also believe that one should always be mindful of others feelings. I personally hate controversy thus I try and avoid it. To me it's easier than trying to explain things to folks that wouldn't understand. Especially since I don't want to embarrass my wife just because I want to dress up for a while.

[ReineD]

How am I supposed to embrace my feminine side and be comfortable with who I am when it's so unnatural to others? For just myself, I don't really care anymore if someone finds out. But I care for the sake of my family. Just venting girls.

Where along the "TG scale" did your therapist say you were. Have you been diagnosed with gender dysphoria (http://www.news-medical.net/health/Diagnosis-of-Gender-Dysphoria.aspx)?

You cannot change how others in your life perceive this. If you have gender dysphoria, you have no choice and it is important for you to be yourself, despite how it affects others around you. Many of our TS members have lost relationships over this.

If you do NOT have gender dysphoria, you have choices to make and the only thing you can do is make a conscious choice of what you are willing to risk in order to wear women's clothing. Some of the risks will involve family members - as you say, coming out might cause the neighbor to not want to send her daughter over, or your wife may be unhappy if her friend sees you in granny panties. But, you need to weigh the pros and cons, make your choices, and become satisfied with that choice since it will have been YOURS to make.

[Pat]

I understand trying to protect your family, etc. but do you see what's happening here? You're deciding for your neighbors how they're going to react. You're deciding how your wife's coworker is going to react. But you don't know -- it didn't happen. I'm not saying you should discard all concerns, I'm just saying recognize what's actually happening. You're reacting to imagined problems, not real ones. And you're probably winding yourself up a bit by doing it. Be as prudent as you want; don't show yourself until you're ready, but just let it drop where it ended -- you avoided a reveal and so nothing happened. Breathe normally and don't extend it out to some nightmare scenario that upsets you. Just my opinion. Talk it over with your therapist -- it's a great topic.

[Maria 60]

Well I don't know you but I do know you have your priorities straight, family first. It's a tough call and I also choose family first and it's frustrating but worth it in the end.

[TrishaTX]

I don't see how that can change for me. I have be careful what I do and say, but at least my wife knows and I no longer have to hide everything from everyone. I suppose things will get easier over time as they are already easier than they were at one time.

[Lana Mae]

My wife passed away last year. My daughter lives with me. I am out to her. She does not want to see daddy in a dress. I greatly desire to lounge around the house in a nightgown, robe, and slippers. I can not do that because my daughter does not want to see this. Soooo, I do not! I thought it would be good to come out to my sister in law ( girl shopping , etc.) My daughter said that would probably be a bad idea. So, I will not. Yes, basically I am giving in to my daughter. But we live in the same house. I can dress when she is at work. She is in favor or well not opposed to my transformation and bought me a camera to take pictures that she wants to see! She wants to support me but not be a part of it! (now without a wig and makeup and after transformation wig and makeup) I do not know maybe I get it!! In brief, family comes first!!! Hugs Lana Mae

[ChristinaK]

Reine, I am TG, but don't want to transition.
Jennie, my therapist said as well that my fears did not materialize and that even if the girl accross the street found out, or my wife's coworker, life would go on.

I try to minimize the risk. Before I leave the house, I scout the street. Upon arriving, I can see down the street. That particular day, the woman was sitting still in a place I didn't expect.

There is risk in anything we do. I want enough freedom to be able to dress in my house and leave that way. My wife knows, but doesn't like it. So, I try to minimize the impact to her.
Krisi, my wife's friend had been in my wife's office all evening and went to bed before I did. When I awakened, it was because of a bad dream. I was thinking about the dream and still half asleep when I tottered down the hall.

[BettyMorgan]

It's terrible not being able to express who you truly are.

[Tracii G]

Do whats best for your family.

[docrobbysherry]

It took me 12+ years to work out that I'm a CD, not TS. If it had got out that I dressed when my girls were in school it mite have been devastating!:doh:

I don't dress out in public where I live.

I don't dress where neighbors can easily see me.

I tell my non approving daughter that lives with me when I will dress so she is warned and can act evasively if she wishes.

[Krisi]

........ I try to minimize the risk. Before I leave the house, I scout the street. Upon arriving, I can see down the street. That particular day, the woman was sitting still in a place I didn't expect. ......
If you really want to minimize the risk, underdress, take everything else to the car in bags, drive away and finish dressing in a parking lot somewhere. Undress there on the way back as well. Getting a motel room is better but expensive.

[Lorileah]

:idontknow: I always thought dressing in a parking lot was a bigger risk. Security or police could be called about the half naked person in te dark area of the lot OR using a private lot (and remember it is all private if not government) after hours

[Tina_gm]

I understand trying to protect your family, etc. but do you see what's happening here? You're deciding for your neighbors how they're going to react. You're deciding how your wife's coworker is going to react. But you don't know -- it didn't happen. I'm not saying you should discard all concerns, I'm just saying recognize what's actually happening. You're reacting to imagined problems, not real ones. And you're probably winding yourself up a bit by doing it. Be as prudent as you want; don't show yourself until you're ready, but just let it drop where it ended -- you avoided a reveal and so nothing happened. Breathe normally and don't extend it out to some nightmare scenario that upsets you. Just my opinion. Talk it over with your therapist -- it's a great topic. I think though that there is a bit of smart analyzing when thinking about the "worst case scenario" What could happen. What or how are we in our current phase of life for what could happen.

One thing I will say, and I have read this many times is this weird (to me) oops factor. Maybe I am even more paranoid than the average member on here who is not out, but whenever there are guests, or neighbors around, I am so conscious of them. So I have never come close at all to an oops moment. I often wonder that these oops moments aren't a subconscious way of some of us finding a way out of the closet.

[Stephanie47]

Krisi is a realist as I am. It does not matter whether it is wearing women's clothing or anything else we do. Everything has consequences. It is risk v rewards. Think before you act. Only you have to bear the consequences of bad advice given here or elsewhere.

[Krisi]

:idontknow: I always thought dressing in a parking lot was a bigger risk. Security or police could be called about the half naked person in te dark area of the lot OR using a private lot (and remember it is all private if not government) after hours

You still have to think about what you are doing. Dressing in a private lot after hours would cause suspicion and police often check private lots after hours for drinking and drug use. I use parking lots in shopping centers that are open. I don't park way at the end where mine is the only vehicle, I park where it would seem like I am in one of the stores shopping. I keep my awareness up and if necessary, I drive away and find another place to change. And I underdress so "being naked" is minimized.

Yes, I would rather get all dolled up and stroll out the front door carrying my purse but that's not going to happen.

[MissVirginia-Mae]

While I have changed in a parking lot over the years, I opt for the convenience of a motel room....
You can get them for as little as $45 and its much better "becoming" Miss Virginia in the comfort of the room rather than in a tight vehicle.
Maybe I have gotten lazy over the years, but I have been opting for "comfort" over "cost" lately......

[Lorileah]

A motel for 45$? Where is that?

It reminds me of one time I was looking for a motel room for my mother (she is very allergic to cats and can't stay at my house). I called one place and the guy asked "How many hours do you need the room for?"

[Eryn]

In 2011, I was pretty much where you are. I was so afraid that people close to me and at work would find out. I crept out of the house, hid in the back seat of my car as my wife drove it away, and agonized over the fact that I couldn't be my true self.

It took five years to work it out. I now live 24/7, and all of my colleagues, friends and acquaintances know the female me.

You know what? I can count the number of negative people with two fingers. Both of them were shut down immediately, one by a friend and another by colleagues at work.

Frankly, I'm astonished by this. After preparing myself for the worst, I found that my friends were my friends regardless of my presentation. Everyone that I've interacted with at work have been completely accepting, either not realizing that I'm trans or being impressed by it.

People around me say that I am brave, though I am far from it. I do go about confidently, because I am confident. Nobody can threaten me with exposure because everyone knows. It's marvelously empowering!

Now, I can't guarantee this level of acceptance in your own situation. However, I do hope that you will examine your own fears. Looking back at mine, I find I wasted a lot of mental energy on irrational fear. If I had confronted those fears sooner I would have had a much easier time of it.

[Krisi]

Eryn, That's fine for you but we don't all have the same goals. Some of us are just MTF crossdressers, nothing more. Not "GD", not "TS", just crossdressers and that's all we will ever be. We don't need to tell the world and we don't want to go through all the trouble it might cause us or our loved ones. This is why we do the things we do.

[Eryn]

Kristi, I agree with you, and I walked in your shoes for a long time while I pondered my own status. My message is simply that a lot of the fears I had during that part of my life were not founded in reality. I hope that others can learn from my mistakes and avoid them.

[ReineD]

Eryn, to elaborate on Krisi's point (if I may), I think it is easier for people to understand that someone's gender identity is not congruent with their birth sex, and so they've decided to do something about it by transitioning. I really think that people in our more liberal pockets of society are beginning to understand this, with the media's help and also all the efforts of trans advocacy groups that are beginning to change our laws. But someone who switches back and forth? Not so much.

If your point is that most CDers would not switch back and forth and would instead present as women full time if they felt they would be accepted in their circles, then isn't this saying that crossdressers and transsexuals are two opposite points of the same continuum? Like the old joke, "what's the difference between a CD and a TS - 3 years"? A lot of people here would disagree with you, but I think this is perhaps a topic for a different thread.

[Alice_2014_B]

I have to agree with Krisi, family comes first.
:)

[Tracii G]

Dressing in a parking lot any time of day is a huge risk why would anyone do that?
I could beat a dead horse here but whats the use?

[Krisi]

Yep, a dead horse.

Everything we do has its risks. Walking out the door to your car brings with it the risk of being seen by a neighbor. You can scan the street but you can't see if anyone happens to be looking out their windows. Coming home dressed carries even more risk because you can't scan the street and driving on past your house because a neighbor is sitting on his/her porch is sure to arouse suspicion. Trying to run or sneak to the car is sure to arouse suspicion.

Perhaps I didn't explain the dressing in the parking lot thing well enough. I'm already underdressed when I leave the house. I have my hips and butt on. I have my bra on. I have my beard cover on. Once I park, I just have to replace the male shirt with a blouse (I might even have the shirt over the blouse), put the boobs on, replace the jeans with a skirt (or keep the jeans on) and throw on the wig. All the while I can see if anyone is coming near me. It's maybe a ten minute process and if I feel nervous, I can go somewhere else and finish the jewelry and makeup.

I usually do this in a shopping mall parking lot (or Wal-Mart). I park a few spaces away from the last of the cars so my car isn't suspiciously parked by itself, yet people won't be walking by to get to their own cars.

I know it's not ideal, the motel would be better but it's pretty expensive for a few hours of Krisi time.