She used to know. I want her to again...

[BreeBow]

Hi everyone. I'm still new to the forums but have been lurking for a while. This might be a longer post than normal but for those willing to read to the end I would appreciate any thoughts...

I did an intro thread but tried to keep it short. In a nutshell my trajectory has been very much along the lines of others here... liked dressing at an early age, left it behind for whatever the reason, it came back later in life after I was already in a committed relationship and married. After some time I did eventually talk with my wife who seemed very understanding at first. We talked a lot and even spent a weekend experiencing new things together although I did not dress in front of her. At the time I believed I was more gender dysphoric but I've come to understand I'm really just a CD. Not that being a CD is "just" anything.

After doing much reading on this forum I've come to understand that I did probably the worst thing I could do at the very beginning... I pushed WAY too hard.
After our first weekend we went to a DADT relationship which I happily agreed to since she just was not ready for anything more. She admitted that it could still wind up being the end of us but she was willing to give it a try. She has always been opened minded and for that I am grateful. She even bought me a frilly, lacy apron to wear while I was cooking which I do quite often. I love that apron!

Well... I became somewhat obsessed... the dreaded "pink fog" as I've seen it referred to. It was all I could talk about and it seemed everything I did was just more piling on. I didn't see the cliff before I drove over it. You can see where this is leading.

Fast-forward a few months and on a day off from work I texted asking if she would be home for lunch. After seeing the "No" response I did what any opportunistic CD'er would do... I ran for the closet. After dressing I got to doing some housework and getting some lunch ready for myself... never realizing I had left my cell phone on a table where I could not hear it ring. I was in the kitchen when I heard the front door open.
I panicked and ran for the closet but she had seen. To make matters worse she said some fairly hurtful things once she left which was very quickly after arriving. It was understandable but in the moment I reacted badly as well. Instead of taking a breather and waiting until she got home later I decided right then and there I was done... I purged. I grabbed my garment bag full of my things and stuffed anything loose into it... makeup, lingerie... everything. A short drive later and I was stuffing the whole bag into a donation box at the local convenience store.

Again fast-forward a couple of months to a somewhat heated conversation where I was asked about my CD'ing. I insisted I was done and that none of it mattered anymore. I no longer wanted those things and didn't want to damage our relationship with them further... so I was done. I was determined to distance myself from it as much as possible and not make an issue of it. I even stopped wearing the apron she bought for me.

So when the dragon reared its head again lately I've been pretty upset over it. Not that it recurred... I'm pretty sure I knew it would... but by the fact I've not been able to ignore it like I had hoped. And by reading a lot of posts here I know that would have been impossible anyway.

So to compensate a little I've taken to wearing my apron again. I've also started shaving my body again which she was never against to begin with.

So this is my conundrum... I don't want to lie or hide from my wife. I never wanted to hide anything from her either before or now. But given the history I don't know how I can make the case for even a DADT without looking and sounding like a complete liar. In all honesty everything I did was with the mindset that I needed to save my marriage and was willing to do whatever needed to be done to accomplish that. And quite honestly at the time I was DONE with CD'ing in my mind. Add to that the feeling that it never feels like a good time to upset the apple cart and I'm stuck here tying my mind and heart into knots.

I've played music my entire life and with that said I would rather loose an arm than loose my wife. I would do anything to keep from losing her short of harming another human. I know I need to talk to her again and assure her that I see my mistakes and I'm determined not to make them again. I'm scared to distraction and have been feeling down lately because of it. I know that its beginning to show as well.

And to be honest I've not actually started dressing again yet. I promised myself that I would not until I have this out with my wife. No matter how much I would like to.

So I guess my question is has anyone every dealt with this kind of situation before? I don't want my wife to see me as a liar or that I'm hiding from her again. But I know bringing it up will probably rekindle a lot of hurt from before. As its repeated so many times here I have to communicate with her. But I have no idea even how to begin the discussion at this point.

I would certainly like to hear from any GG's that might have some thoughts on this as well.

Thanks to anyone who takes time to read this!

[Dana44]

wow, okay you messed that up pretty well, but how to recover from DADT to acceptance. I would first read the sticky note on how to come out to your wife. Then I would really appreciate her and do nice things that bring her trust back. Then in time I would reintroduce your tendencies. Communication is the most important thing. however, really show appreciation for your wife goes very far in fixing issues.

[Jenniferathome]

You tell her exactly this ^.

"Honey, I need to tell you something. I <thought I> was done and that none of it mattered anymore. I no longer wanted...."

You need to add that you are open to setting boundaries with which she is comfortable.

[AlyssaJ]

Yeah, there's a lot of people on this board who have had similar experiences to varying degrees. While not exactly the same I personally am going through something similar. First, of all, I agree with Dana. Start with the stick thread about gaining acceptance from you SO. TONS of great info there. Second, you have to just honestly tell her everything you just put in this post. How you feel, why you stuffed the desires away, how important she is to you, all of it. You DID lie to her it seems, at least in saying you were completely done with it since it sounds like you knew it would come back on you. Tell her you thought you could ignore it but are finding now you cannot.

The fact is, you are who you are and the shared experience here and elsewhere will tell you that it's not going to go away and the more you ignore it the worse it is likely to get. So you've got to bring her in on your secret with nothing but total honesty at every turn. Expect some extremely tense and emotional moments, probably a lot of tears and a lot of fear. There's no easy way out from here, if you try to take one you'll be worse off than you were before.

- - - Updated - - -


You need to add that you are open to setting boundaries with which she is comfortable.

I would edit this slightly, you need to tell her that you're open to setting boundaries that you're BOTH comfortable with. One thing I've seen in a lot of people's situations and even my own is that early on she's going to be very scared. She may feel like she's loosing her husband, she may feel like another woman is being introduced into the marriage, she may be afraid that you're eventually going to be transsexual and want to fully transition to female. She may respond to these feelings by trying to gain some control by setting tight boundaries on you. If you agree to something you're not comfortable with, it will just turn into anger and frustration and you may end up resenting her later for it. So you have to be open with her right away. Now you can set tight boundaries early on but with the expectation that they'll grow as you progress. But you have to make sure you are going to end up in a situation you are comfortable with as well as her.

[Di]

GG here

I would explain you wanted to never do it again but you have found by reading it's part of you and normal. You can find a way to make it work, many couples have DADT to someone accepting- it varies by couple and you are open to boundaries and she is the most important thing in your life.
If you tell her about this site, you can tell her we have a private section for Ggs to talk .
But make her understand you were NOT telling a lie, you meant every word you said and that's also common for Cders to purge and really mean they never want to again.
That's what I recommend and hope she will read and understand . Many couples work out what will work for them from being involved to having times set up where you can dress alone . Best wishes!

[Teresa]

BreeBrow,
Sad to say you are still lying and that's to yourself.
Yes many of us have been in similar situations, I was caught but didn't need to purge because they were my wife's clothes. That was after I came out to her, I knew it wasn't going away it would be a lie to convince her but then that puts us in a no win situation, we lie when we say we will stop and we lie when we do it. It didn't end my marriage but eventually I had to seek counselling, I had to do it on my own but in the end it did help. My wife has come to terms with it, OK it's still a DADT situation and she chooses not to see me but at least I get to dress and go out socially , she accepts it's a need I have to satisfy.

You must find yourself, accept yourself and be honest with yourself , hiding behind closed doors can't go on indefinitely , you can't change what's inside you so you have to tell her the truth. You still love her , the CDing doesn't change that in fact it often brings couples closer together given the chance. I assume you've had the conversation about being gay and wanting to transition , that should hopefully put her mind at rest .
I eventually wrote it all down, initially to help my counsellor but she felt it explained it all well enough to explain it to my wife, that carries far more weight in explaining your CDing situation because you've taken the trouble to sit down and think it through enough to put it in writing.

One final point is our partners aren't always totally honest with us , she may have withheld things from you, hopefully not as traumatic as finding out you're a CDer but some members here have written some dreadful facts they discovered about their partners. We can't help the way we were wired, some of us were born like it and will have to live with it all our lives, I doesn't make us bad people and it shouldn't force us to be liars.