Need Help

[TGWife]

I am hoping that someone here can help me or knows someone I can chat with. I am new to this site and in need of support. Let me tell you a little about my situation. I am married to wonderful man who I love more each day. Ever since he was a child he never felt right with who he was. He has always felt that he should have been a girl. He enjoys crossdressing and I buy clothes for him. We do go out(only in other cities). He goes by"Nancy". He was married to his first wife and it lasted 13 yrs he stayed single for the next 10yrs. We met and we fell deeply in love. I was accepting to all this and felt that I could support him. At the time he had his money saved up to have a complete change. He takes estrogen now to maintian his breast. They are a nice C cup now. When we got married he understood what I needed and I was very honest with him and told him that I could not be with him if the lower half changed. He said that he has never felt so right with his body as he does now. I battle with the thought that if soemone has such a desire to change how can they not want to go thru with it because they fell in love. I hope I am making sense. I find him on fictionmania.com every day and sometime I enjoy the stories.There are days that I will walk in and find him"M" and I get upset. I know his fantasy is to be made love to as a woman.He tells me that no matter what are in his thoughts of being a complete woman I am always there with him. He does not any desire to be with a man as a man. I have asked that. I try and support him as much as possible by telling him what I am doing when we make love and buy him pretty clothes. On weekends when my children are not home he will dress and I will do his hair and makeup for him. I feel he has given up everything for me,and I start feeling like maybe I am not enough for him. I feel like I am competeing. Can anyone give me advice?

[Kimberley]

Hi and WELCOME to the site.

You WILL find a great deal of support here and are sure to kindle a few personal relationships. You will find understanding on all fronts from both the GG's and the rest of us. While sometimes things get silly, there is also a great deal of serious, heartfelt and sometimes brutal discussion but you will find it to be honest. The most important thing for you is to understand you are not alone, that there are many others just like you who are going through the same battles on either front.

I would suggest that you get to know the other GG's and make every effort to enroll in their private forum. Entry is very difficult but for good reason. Tamara will be able to explain it in detail. I think you will certainly benefit from their experience and opinions.

Again, welcome and best of luck.

Kimberley.

[GypsyKaren]

First of all, you definately should join the GG Forum,announcement (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=individual_forum_rules#faq_gg_forum). This will take you to the application page.

It kinda sounds to me like you're the one giving things up, sounds to me like you're very accepting about it all. I really don't think you're asking for much, but it does seem that your spouse is kinda expecting an awful lot from you. I really hate giving advice and such, but I do think it's fair for you to get an explanation about what's what...it just sounds to me like Nancy is expecting an awful lot from you.

Karen

[Penny]

Welcome!

A life of illussion
can lead to confusion
in discovering who we are

So what it's all about
is our finding this out
before we venture too far

[Laurie Ann]

I agree with Karen going to the GG forum will definitely be a good source of information.

[Julie York]

Hi and welcome.

I think you have been made to feel insecure, by what you "think" is going on rather than what is really happening. And in fact, your 'nancy' might even be a little confused and misleading you without intending to.

You don't make it clear just how far down the road to feminisation 'she' is but....you said, How can someone have such a desire to change and not go through with it because they fell in love. Well maybe they don't want to go any further. Maybe you are the perfect EXCUSE for NOT having to deal with it. Maybe it is nice for Nacy to fantasise about it but not have to deal with the real thing. The stories on fictionmania are 90% fetishistic transvestite stories that people read to enjoy the FANTASY idea of becoming a woman, or wearing their clothing etc.

Maybe the sacrifice of not going all the way with a sex change, wasn't such a great sacrifice after all?

I wish you luck and hope that makes some sense.

[JoannaDees]

Fantasies are sometimes things you don't really want to act out. Perhaps a safe alternative is for you to .... uh ... buy ... a ... you know .... and try that? Of course, that could just be one more brick in the path to ........

Perhaps a Dom/sub kind of thing? These things are worth talking about as it is evident she is fantasizing of these sorts of activities. At the least, TALK!

[TGWife]

Actually I have tried that! She likes it very much but now I am suffering. I feel it is all about her. I really do not mind it and do enjoy pleasing. I have told him that when I needed it for me and "He" was to be there I would tell him. He will start out with "he" and quickly change on me and to "Nancy"I do not get the fullfillment I need.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

From what I've heard, it sounds like you've bent over backwards and aren't getting what you need out of the relationship.

Unfortunately, some of us do go through a "kid in a candy store" phase and from what you've described it seems like that may be what's going on.

I think your comment about feeling "it's all about her" is the heart of things. Being trans isn't an excuse for being self-centered. Relationship inherently involve some give-and-take -- from minor stuff like which direction the toilet paper is placed, to be things like what you've described.

So it sounds like you two need to talk about what's an appropriate balance -- and that means you need to clearly articulate your needs and your concerns. Even if he enjoys "being female" Nancy was raised as a man and we men aren't always good at picking up on subtler messages that our partners' aren't happy with the state of the relationship.

[kittypw GG]

Actually I have tried that! She likes it very much but now I am suffering. I feel it is all about her. I really do not mind it and do enjoy pleasing. I have told him that when I needed it for me and "He" was to be there I would tell him. He will start out with "he" and quickly change on me and to "Nancy"I do not get the fullfillment I need.

TGWife,
I have found that in life if you get taken advantage of it is because you have allowed it. Don't forget that you are not a helpless member of your relationship. You are entittled to at least as much as you give. I have found that when any individual gives up too much of their power to another,who especially abuses it, they become resentful and angry. So don't forget to stick up for your self. be conscise about what you need and negotiate. Join the gg forum, I have gained lots of insight and knowledge from the girls there. Good luck Kitty

[Amelie]

1-He always felt that he should be a girl.
2-At the time he saved up all his money for a complete change.
3-He takes estrogen.
4-Ever since he was a child he never felt right with who he was.

I am not being harsh when I say that, to me, your husband sounds like a transsexual. He might be able to hold of a complete change for the love he has for you, but you must be prepared that maybe one day he will desire the full change. How you handle it is another matter, you can stay with him or you can leave him, this is your choice. Yes, you are giving up a lot to be with this guy but this is your choice, he sort of told you who he was from the start so you had to expect to give up a lot for this guy. I know that love is a two way street and there is always give and take from both sides. But knowingly marrying a cd will have other problems not faced by other couples. So(sorry to say this) there will probably be more give from the wife than take in a cd relationship. It will be an uneven relationship. If you have the time you can read some old threads on this forum where the CD has ruined the relationship by going to far with the CDing according to the wife. I know there are wives that can handle the cd relationship but there are more relationships that fail from it.
All I am saying is be prepared for the worse, you must decide what is best for you. If you feel that he focuses more on the cding than you, then you must decide how to handle it, talk it out with him or dump him. It is your life don't live it in misery.
I only say this because I feel that you wouldn't be asking for opinions(help) if there wasn't some kind of conflict in the relationship.

[JoannaDees]

Actually I have tried that! She likes it very much but now I am suffering. I feel it is all about her. I really do not mind it and do enjoy pleasing. I have told him that when I needed it for me and "He" was to be there I would tell him. He will start out with "he" and quickly change on me and to "Nancy"I do not get the fullfillment I need.

I'm sorry to hear that. It appears you are on a dead end road, relationship-wise. That's a tough one, and it's sad. Do you have children? An amicable parting is not always so bad. Don't hold onto something that is falling apart. Think of yourself, not just him and how his TS bent "is not accepted" causing him pain. That said, I'm glad I'm not in either of your shoes.

[Aileen]

Some couples do remain married even after one of them becomes a woman. Perhaps you should see if you can get in touch with one of those wives. They might be able to understand and help you with your situation a bit better. Personally I think you are being totally reasonable, and he's going to have to choose whether he wants to stay with you or become a woman. Putting up with crossdressing is a lot more than most women are willing to do.

[emmicd]

You sound like a very caring and sympathetic person. I feel for you and think you are a special person to deal with what you are dealing with. It sounds like your husband needs to seek professional counsel regarding his internal struggles. You too need some support group where you can discuss your situation and talk to others who can lend advice.

Whatever happens just be strong, brave and live your life because you owe it to your self and your children to do so.

I will say a prayer for both of you.

Also take advice from all the other members here as they all are good people and speak from the heart.

Also like others have said the GG forum would be a good source of support.

Good Luck!

emmi

[Tiffy]

Welcome!

A life of illussion
can lead to confusion
in discovering who we are

So what it's all about
is our finding this out
before we venture too far



WOW:thumbsup:

Kisses, April Marie

[DonnaT]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

First off, it sounds as though your husband is more on the transsexual (TS) side of being transgendered (TG). But, without talking to him I couldn't be definite, heck, he's probably not sure.

Note that there are many TSs that do not wish to remove their genitalia. And surgery is not a requirement to fit the definition of a TS.

Second, his fascination with online TG erotica such as fictionmania.com (note that I have written several stories posted there) leading to "M" is an indication to me that he does like his genitalia, since he finds pleasure in it, and that he would be unlikely to want surgery to change it.

The problem is his fantasies. He may have reached a point that he can no longer perform or have "normal" sex unless he can fantasize about being the girl or the tg maid or what have you.

A couple of ways to overcome that is: (1) a marriage/sex counselor, or (2) a male chastity device to keep him from "M".

I suggest (1).

(2) may either correct his attitude or put him over the edge to have the surgery.

[TGWife]

Thank you all so very much for giving me your opinions. I have been on this site since I joined reading all your comments. I am glad that I have other people who have been there giving me their suggestions.