I had that talk yesterday

[Dee-anna]

I came out to my SO .after 22 years of marriage +5 before i finely gained the courage to tell her i am a cross dresser i was totally honest with her she listened and asked questions like,am i gay ,have i had sex with men or other women ,have i told anyone else to which i answered no,no,no though when i was 20 i did try gay sex but felt that it was not for me which i also told her . SO asked if i wanted a sex change / no i don't. i told her i also love being a father to my two teenage children and like being a man to much to give it up. SO asked how long i had been dressing and how often / since i was about 7 yo.on and off over the years but more often in the last ten. and if i had my own girls clothes or do i were hers, i have my own girl clothes and don;t were her clothes , she asked where i keep them i was reluctant to tell her as i though she would go and through them out telling her this SO assured me she would not so i told her that too ,SO asked about the clothes i have ,skirts,shorts,blouses,yoga pants,stockings, pantie hoes,swimwear ,bikinis and lots of pretty panties but no dressers or shoes yet, i have a wig short blond and have tired make up but are no good at it yet. she asked why i was telling her now ,this was the hardest question yet for me to answer /i didn't want the kids or herself to come across my stash and think i was having an affair, i want to free myself of hiding and being scared of being found out , i wanted to be free of the lie, i told her about purging and how i fell so pretty dressed.i cried and laughed at my self .so now what, SO said that she didn't want to see me dressed but i can continue to dress at home when SO and kids out or could possibly go somewhere else to have girl time. i feel so happy such a weight has been lifted off me i am walking on air now and giving a twirl:daydreaming: Id like to thank all you girls for your posts that gave this girl the courage to open that closet door just a little bit and step out and also my girly girl SO thanks babe . Dee :hugs:

[Dana44]

Well done Dee,now take it slow and work with her now an then, keep up the communication but don't make it an issue. She has to think about a lot and get her mind right. So take it slow. But be appreciative of her

[Lana Mae]

As stated slow and steady. You need to establish trust, honesty, and communication to make it work. Oh, and show her your appreciation. Hugs Lana Mae

[AlyssaJ]

Yeah since you asked now what, from experience I can tell you the biggest thing is try to keep the subject of your crossdressing from dominating the conversation. She'll likely have questions, you'll be excited and want to share things now that she is "in the know". But be careful. If either of you or both of you together, drive talk of your crossdressing into conversation every day, she may very well become overwhelmed and lash out. It's happened to me, I've seen it happen to others.

People are telling you to take it slow and that's great advice. However, remember that what may seem slow to you probably feels very fast to her. You've had your whole life to learn and understand this. You've been dressing up to varying degrees since you were very young. She is starting at ground zero and has a lot of catch up to do. So even if you do nothing, she may feel like things are moving fast for her. Be aware of this and be open in your communication about it, what your needs are, how it makes her feel, etc.

[Alice Torn]

Never had an SO, but that took courage, putting fears aside! Good job! Easy does it now.

[Jennie2]

Hi Dee Anna
As the other girls have said take it slowly, all of that burden you have been carrying for over 22 years, some of it has now transferred onto your SO, she has a lot of thinking to do and possibly no one to confide in for fear of what others may think, so be sensitive and don't rush it.
Good luck

[Oria]

Congratulations. I am happy for you and thankful you posted. It was so hard for me to admit to my wife I wanted to dress like a woman from time to time. She was more mad that I didn't tell her then what I told her. It has taken her some time to get a grip on it. She has set some rules for me to follow to keep her happy. I have set some rules for myself to keep her happy. But we are so so much closer for it. I hope everyone has the courage or the ability to live an honest life. And I hope every wife or girlfriend can find it in there hart to try to understand. We are all better for it.

[Jenniferathome]

Good on you Dee! Yet another example of coming out and moving forward.

[Sarah Louise]

Congratulations Dee. As you say, a great weight off your mind. As others say, take baby steps and don't over-whelm her with it.

[Rachael Leigh]

Dee I know how hard that must have been, you have to be honest with her and that unfortunately can be hard. I know I'm
glad my wife knows about me and even now there are still times I don't want to tell her everything but I know it's more
important to be honest.
I hope it continues to go well for you.

[Tina_gm]

Congrats. It sounds like it went the most typical way coming out to an S/O tends to go. Now, the new hard part for you comes.... All the pent up feelings you've had, holding back with this, it is so hard now to go at a pace your partner will likely need to go with all of this. It will likely be about all you can think about. That is normal. Likely to get a bit pink foggy after the reveal. She will need a lot of time to digest what you have told her and to come to her own terms about it all. And, while their is good news that you have initial acceptance, there will likely be a bit of back and forth with it all from her. Some days more ok than others. What will help her is that you need to also provide proof that the man you say you still are and want to be for her is still very much present. Best of luck, hope the good news and feelings keep coming.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi See,

Good for you! I'm hoping I can have the talk someday too. Thanks for the encouraging story of your experience.

Elizabeth

[Dee-anna]

Hi girls thanks for your advice i will not be pushing and just taking it slow with my SO, just knowing that my SO knows is enough . If she has any questions i will answer them truefully .i love the life my SO and myself have , but also love my now not so secret hobby . Dee-anna

[IleneD]

Dee,
Congratulations. You could be writing my own story; [came out about 4 months ago, married 39 yrs].
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. The essential element of THE COMING OUT was the Honesty. The unnecessary shame had been a burden I carried for a long life [64 yrs]. In my own heart I knew it ate away at the trust foundation of my marriage to a great woman. I wasn't giving ALL of me, all my gifts, to my spouse.

You will both feel some relief. Now comes the hard part..... the road ahead. Where are we going with this? (was the question). And that's the 'stage' of coming-out I'm living right now. Once the adrenaline rush of the surprise wears off your wife now will SEE you; the changes.
One of the negative effects I'm discovering is something I'll call the "I Like My Men To Look Manly.", effect. We've both had months to talk about this, and I have made visible changes in appearance even in every day dress. She's expressed a lament about the new feminine look that is diametrically opposed to my male appearance; like it was a type of loss. The very good part is that she's remained open and is TALKING about these issues. We will work on it, and I'll try to share that growth experience with you and the board.

Your post is also a reminder that I need to return to the INTRO threads to greet new members and those just now coming out. This forum was a great comfort to me, and wise in its ways and advice. Enjoy.

[Danielle t]

Well done I know it's hard to tell your wife but yes you feel the wait off your shoulders and for once you are not hiding things from her

[Joanne Curl]

You're lucky that it came out the way it did. I told my wife 5 years ago after she saw that I visited this site. We had been married for 15 years at that point. It totally changed our relationship, I don't think it will ever recover. The toughest thing for her was I hid it and never gave her the chance to know about it. I don't think she'll ever trust me again.

[DIANEF]

Hi Dee, read your story and can relate to much of it. Been with my partner now for 30 years and still in the closet. Why?, fear of losing her, cowardice, many reasons. The time to tell her is fast approaching, and I have no idea which way it will go. My SO is fairly tolerant of alternative lifestyles, she has lesbian and gay friends, our son came out as gay recently and we love him more for it. But will it be a different matter when I tell.... At the moment we are both happy with each other although the strain of my secrecy does tell on me and I am ashamed to admit that she has sometimes been on the receiving end. She can be clingy, the thought of being alone if we did split up would devastate her and that is the last thing I want. So, if and when (actually, when) I tell will she tolerate it to avoid being alone (because it is not something I could ever give up), have grudging acceptance (DADT) or even embrace it? I really don't know. Your post and others like it have convinced me that telling is the right thing to do and I really hope the outcome is as positive as yours and many others has been. Time will tell.

[TrulyMe]

Great to hear your talk went so well. Secrets between SO are corrosive. Good luck for the coming days and weeks; keep talking.