Looking for advice

[Maria 60]

It's been a rocky few weeks, I had a battery of tests at the hospital and small clinics, and thank God on Friday I got my results and everything came back negative for the "C" word. The problem is the last few weeks took a small toll on my wife. She started thinking about our lives and she started feeling guilt about my dressing that she held me back and feels selfish.
I'm a early bird, and my wife loves her sleep, this morning at 5am she wakes up and sits on the couch and tells me she had a dream and it was so vivid, and it felt so real. She explained that her dream was about that we were retired and my dressing evolved largely, and she left me over it. But in the dream I was in our living room with 4 or 5 crossdressers friends and there were a few men and we were going out clubbing. Apparently in her dream I was doing a lot of clubbing and going out a lot with my new friends, and on that peticulor night I was walking out the door with my new friends and she stopped me.
She told me that she loves me so much and only thing in life is to see her family happy, and so to see me happy she did the hardest thing she could ever have done, she let me go for my happiness.
I seen the emotional on her face that she was really feeling it and I was getting emotional almost, believing she was telling me a real story.
I gave her a hug and told her to relax its been a rough few weeks and our emotions are very high. She asked me if she was holding me back, she said my dressing has come a long way. She sees even if I dress for a short time when I fully dress that everything has to be perfect, the outfit, jewelry, and the way I look at myself in the mirror she believes I see a real women and wonders if under the right conditions if I would consider sexual relationship with a man.
I asked her were this is all coming from, and it already a few times she asked me about being with another man, and a lot of Maria talk lately.
She explains she feels Maria has this power over me that I can't control, and believes under the right situation anything can happen out of my control. I told her looking back at my life and concerning my dressing it was more then I could have ever imagined, I didn't think I would have ever found a women so accepting, so caring and so unselfish and that I'm very happy where my dressing is. Of course I wish I had a little more time to dress, but she lets me go for a drive once a week when I need it and I would rather have our kids at home instead of my dressing.
I told her today I will take her to her favourite place and I won't underdress or anything and it will be all about her today.
This is when this community is so important to me for advice, maybe seeing something I don't see. I think she's acting on emotion after this little scary few weeks, worried about my health and the "what if" question. I'm thinking of paying more attention to her and taking Maria out of the spot light for a while. I don't want her to get discouraged or any resentment. What do you think, what do you make out of her resent emotions. I can't seem to figure it out.

[Alice Torn]

Thanks for sharing! You are a considerate, decent person to see her view of it, and glad no "C" appeared. One day at a time, and good to be communicating with her. Change is the only constant, and compromise is necesary in relationships. I am a bachelor loner with out many friends, but i once had dozens when i was in a very unusual church., and 12 step groups. Moving this month to an area where i don not know anyone at all.

[Kate Simmons]

The main thing the way I see it is to talk about things and understanding about where things may be headed both in your marriage and how Maria fits into the overall picture. It's obvious to me you love each other, so use that as a basis to proceed. Talk about how being Maria makes you feel but don't minimize your loving wife's needs. Talking about and understanding feelings is a big part in a successful marriage. :)

[bridget thronton]

Glad there is no cancer. I have no advice. I can say for myself that even if I were a woman 24/7 I would not being looking for a relationship outside my marriage and it sounds like the same may be true for you. Your wife knows this and I suspect may just want to hear that from you.

[ChristinaK]

Hi Maria,

I'm very happy to hear you don't have the dreaded "C".

Sounds like your wife feels guilty about holding you back, but has fears you will cheat with men. If that is not the case, try to reassure her you have enough control to not do that.

If she goes.with you places, she will be there to keep you straight. No pun intended.

As for her guilt, reassure her that she Has been very accommodating compared to many wives and love and appreciate what she has done, especially if it has bothered her, but she let you do it anyway.

Putting Maria away is probably not the right answer, but maybe dress and act in a way that is considerate to her, like being Maria but taking her where she wants to go, or being Maria, but not engaging with other girls, just being alone to show her she has nothing to worry about.

Many men would not be as thoughtful as you're being. Maria probably has something to do with that. Discuss how Maria has actually helped your marriage.

I'm not an expert on these things, that's for sure. So, those are my thoughts for what they're worth.

[Pat]

Maria -- from a few things you've written it seems like your wife has a real fear of you leaving her for a man. If that's not something you would do, you should probably continually reassure her and perhaps dig out research that addresses sexual preference in transgender people. Last time I looked, the prevailing opinion was that the incidence of straight/gay/bi individuals in our community was pretty much the same as in the population at large. If you do feel that you're bi, then you need to do a little self-examination and decide what that means to you. It's important to note that being bi does NOT mean you're promiscuous or incapable of having a monogamous relationship.

Beyond that, there's just the standard abandonment issues that many people have. You should reassure her you're not leaving (if you yourself are confident of that) and that Maria doesn't have power over you, she IS you. You might be feeling like she's a separate personality inside you, but chances are over time you'll find out that's not it; it's (probably) just a coping mechanism for keeping conflicting needs from melting you down. For that reason, I'd suggest not getting into a habit of making your wife feel better by suppressing Maria -- it sends both of you the wrong message. If you can, and she can, try to learn about this part of you together.

I have no medical license -- this is all just opinion.

[ShelbyDawn]

Maria,

First, I am so glad to hear that your tests cam back negative.
I don't have much advice to offer except that from what I know about the male/female relationship thing, your wife NEEDS for you to physically and emotionally choose her every day.
She NEEDS to know she is your first choice. I would hope that Maria can stay in that equation but from what you describe, I am inferring she feels you are choosing Maria over her.

Good luck.

Cute shoes, by the way... :)

[Genny B]

I would do exactly the same as you although I would probably still under-dress... Just being honest!

Genny B

[Teresa]

Maria,
It does sound as if the dreams have got under her skin, as you say they could have been sparked off by your health scare.

I think you have the right idea and put Maria aside for a few days, maybe you can go for a nice long weekend break and try and get her to relax and get your CDing in perspective.
Just one question , are her fears of you having a relationship with a man based on a particular experience of something you said in the past ?

[Lana Mae]

Honesty, trust and communication make a relationship work! I agree with Christina and Jennie. Be honest about the sex with men issue. Keep Maria in your conversations with your wife. IMHO Hugs to both Lana Mae

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Maria:hugs:, That is wonderful news about the report...:daydreaming:...