No dress for you!

[Janelle_C]

I've been full-time a little over three years now. For the most part I'm doing really good. I've lost one very close fiend. All most lost my brother, but we are doing really well now. My wife and I are doing good. She has been very supportive of me and still see's the person she feel I love with.
Here's the thing we are going to my niece's wedding, it's in a neighboring state. My niece is very excepting and loving toward me. I don't know her fiancé family. My brother and sister in-laws have seemed to be more relaxed around me the last time we were up there. All the women I know that are going are wearing a dress, including my wife.
Today I was asking her, her opinion on some of the dresses I have. That's when she told me that I should wear a pant outfit that I have and not a dress. She tried to tell me that we haven't been up there that much sense I transitioned and we don't really know his family. So this way they can warm up to you. I sat there with tears in my eyes not saying anything. Then finally I said when you say things like that it hurts. She got defensive and in my eyes only made it worse.
I got the, I've been very tolerant of everything, you're being unfair. I said all the other women are wearing dresses, but they can't just see you a man wearing a dress, let's give them time to warm up to you. She said no that's not what I'm saying, then it kind of went a little more south on both of are parts.
I can't belive after three years and all I've work to achieve in my life. My self-esteem my dignity. And in one afternoon a person can make you feel like a freak. The thing that keeped me in my closet for 54 years. I have told her before that I'm not something that has to get used to. I'm a human being that is worth knowing. But all the self-esteem in the world doesn't ease the sting, when someone so close to you tells you your something that people have to get used to you.
I'm just finding a way to let this out to people that understand.

Thanks Janelle

[Jennifer Devine]

My one rule to everyone when I went full time was that as regards to family or friends occasions is that they either take me as I am or don't have me there at all!
Why should you be made to feel uncomfortable just because some people there may not get you?
If she really supports you then she would defend you and not listen to anyone else!

[jentay1367]

Well...in a perfect world it would be nice to tell your wife to go to hell. In the real world, you have to live with her. If it were me, I'd go out and by myself a very $$$lovely$$$ pantsuit that would meet with her approval. Something very feminine. And then I'd go and have a wonderful time. Gotta pick your battles and it just doesn't sound like this ones worth a knock down, drag out. But I do understand that your feelings are hurt. Maybe the new outfit will make you feel better:whistling:. and make her think about it a little harder the next time.

[Jennifer Devine]

But the fact that she has been full time for 3 years or so would mean that her wife would be used to her by now surely?
She is a woman who is being told she shouldn't wear a dress just because some of her niece's in laws may not get her because of how she was born and to me that is not right at all!
If the wife is supportive then she would side with her instead of listening to what everyone else thinks.
I went to a friend's wedding reception at the end of August in a dress that I had bought that day and it felt so amazing to be one of the girls and all made up.

[Mirya]

I've been full-time a little over three years now...My wife and I are doing good. She has been very supportive of me...


Sorry this happened to you. But I think it's pretty obvious now that you and your wife are NOT "doing good".

If I were in your shoes, I absolutely would not wear an outfit with pants to the wedding, especially if all the other women are wearing dresses, as you said. In your situation, I would either go to the wedding in a dress, or not go at all. And maybe that's what needs to happen here... not go to the wedding. Your wife could go alone, and say that you couldn't make it for one reason or another. Or she could also not go. But for you to go to the wedding, being singled out and "forced" to wear pants - that's demeaning. I would not do it.

Maybe you two can talk things over and convince her that it's ok for you to wear a dress? Especially given that you've been full-time for 3 years? Regardless of what you decide, it's going to be difficult. Sorry about that.

[Jennifer Devine]

In the real world, you have to live with her. If it were me, I'd go out and by myself a very $$$lovely$$$ pantsuit that would meet with her approval. Gotta pick your battles and it just doesn't sound like this ones worth a knock down, drag out.

She should not even have to make that compromise just because of how others may think of her!

[jentay1367]

shoulda', woulda', coulda"........life is rarely black and white and things are often more complex than we're privy to. Janelle is obviously a "big girl", and I'm sure she's just venting and not actually seeking advice.
So I'll commiserate with her. Life just sucks sometimes.

[Rogina B]

Jentay,You don't see it the way some of us do ! She has been living as a full time woman for 3 years. She should wear what the other woman are wearing or not go at all. Obviously her wife is uncomfortable and there needs to be some discussion of exactly that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Jentay is flat out wrong about this
you are a woman...

you used this term "living full time for three years"...

i have 2 thoughts on that...first off, if you are reading this and havent transitioned, that sounds like a long time... it isnt... your wife is probably still working out stuff and i'm sure there are still little hiccups...

the other is that (and this in not aimed at you Janelle) people that dont get it look at those words differently than we do... you are a woman... your wife telling you to wear a pantsuit is no different than you telling her what to wear..

she has to accept reality..her support sounds real and she sounds like a keeper...but she cant deny that she has some deeper feelings that you can address with her... I hope you can talk with alot of caring but it may be helpful to really set the line in the sand

you cant go to a fricking wedding in a pantsuit unless you are hiding your cankles...the whole point is to wear a dress..

[Janelle_C]

you cant go to a fricking wedding in a pantsuit unless you are hiding your cankles...the whole point is to wear a dress..

This is what I'm struggling with. I do believe a lot of this has to do with her comfort level. She has been very supportive and yes there is still stuff to deal with. So do I sacrifice my comfort level for her comfort level that's my question. I mentioned wearing a dress again this morning she got upset so wear what you want.

[Jennifer Devine]

I think she is worrying about what everyone is going to think of you as it's a family wedding but if you do what she wants I can't see you enjoying the day in a trouser suit as you would in a dress and you need to tell her this.
You are being singled out and that is not right xx

[jentay1367]

Jentay is flat out wrong about this
L.O.L. .....wouldn't be the first time.

Okay, from your OP below...it sounded like you just wanted commiseration.

I'm just finding a way to let this out to people that understand.



Apparently, you wanted advice. Wear the dress. It appears she is obviously still embarrassed by you on some level. Personally? I wouldn't even option not to go. You were both invited. If she doesn't like it, she can stay home. Long past time she dealt with all of this. and THAT, is my unexpurgated non-PC real opinion, as well as EXACTLY what I would do.

[Melissa Rose]

Janelle, I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. I went through an analogous situation 6-7 weeks ago with an outright and firm denial of what I thought was a simple request and it just sucked the air out of me. I felt quite gutted for a few days then I really had no rational choice but to gather myself and find a way to move forward. She did not mean for it to be as hurtful as it was nor realized how much it hurt but that did not lessen the sting any. I think I can empathize with the way you are feeling. For what it is worth, my wife is not nearly as far along the support and acceptance spectrum as yours. We are still working on a solution around my original request.

This recent episode really drove home the point to me, once again, that when you transition and are in a relationship, your transition is not just about you - it is also about those around you to various degrees. Even though I would love full support and understanding, I am also very aware that is not the case and I may not understand, agree or be aware of the reasons. Speaking for only myself, it comes down to whether to stand my ground, totally acquiesce or find some middle ground. Or as others put it, choose your battles. This is no different that any other "disagreement" within a relationship but the stakes are much, much higher (i.e, it is not the same as where to go for dinner or what color to paint the bedroom).

While I understand your hurt and position, I have no standing to advise you (solicited or not) about what you should do since each of our paths and stories are unique. I got the feeling you were not looking for advice anyway - more about finding some sympathetic and empathetic minds. I hope that sharing your story has been helpful for you and you have found some peace in the meantime.

[grace7777]

The way I see it is that you are a woman, and all the women are wearing dresses, so you should wear a dress.

If the family should have a problem with you, I do not see them changing their opinion of you because you have on pants instead of a dress, or thinking worse of you because you have a dress on.

Also, I would think the most important thing is to blend in, and in a pantsuit you will bring a lot of attention to yourself. Another way to think of it is that if you had 50 natal women at a wedding, and 49 of them had dresses on, and one was in pants, I think the one in pants would stick out. I do not view your situation any differently.

[Janelle_C]

Thank you all for your support and sharing of your experiences with me. I talked to my wife last night and she ensured me that it's not her comfort level. She said that she knows I've been full-time for over three years now but we have only been up to see them a couple of times. And a lot of them have not met me yet.
I tried to explain to to her that after three years she's askings me to take a huge step backward. This is my first major event since I went full-time I was a little nervous about what I was going to wear to begin with. She says wear what you want I wanted it to go smoothly.
So now instead of trying to figure out what I wanted to wear, I feel like I'm dammed if I do and dammed if I don't. I think she thinks that if they meet a Transgender woman in pants it will be smoother than them meeting a Transgender woman in a dress. I know she doesn't understand how hurtful that is. She has never asked of me anything like this before I think she just nervous and wants it to go well its her side of the family that lives out of state.
So this morning I going to take the opportunity to go shopping, and what I come home with really depends on what I find.

[jentay1367]

Hi Sweetie,


what I come home with really depends on what I find


Find a beautiful dress, some matching pumps, get your hair and nails done....and then go and rock it, girl. Have you some fun!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Then again, you could find a really sexy pantsuit, like the ones below:

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Fashion-Pink-Pant-Suits-Prom-Party-Gown-2016-High-Low-Formal-Outfits-Long-Sleeve/172351523633?_trksid=p2047675.c100005.m1851&_trkparms=aid%3D222007%26algo%3DSIC.MBE%26ao%3D1%2 6asc%3D38530%26meid%3D6b798e86b58749e983967a5e49d3 a2c5%26pid%3D100005%26rk%3D2%26rkt%3D6%26sd%3D2723 34136730

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Two-Piece-Fashion-Black-Evening-Gowns-Long-Sleeve-Party-Formal-Women-Pant-Suits-/272334136730?hash=item3f6861259a:g:3LIAAOSwHoFXp~h z#viTabs_0

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Formal-one-piece-pant-suit-Strapless-/182294179352?hash=item2a71946e18:g:YSsAAOSwTA9X6bc v

http://www.ebay.com/itm/3-PIECE-FORMAL-PANT-SUIT-GOLD-SEQUINE-TUNIC-2X-AVE-BLK-SHEER-FLORAL-JACKET-PANT-/322289546998?hash=item4b09f436f6:g:PPYAAOSw-CpX-9V9

[Kate T]

I read this post and it interested me but I struggled to construct a helpful response. I strongly advocate for patience and understanding for loved ones as I feel many times we become so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget others are coping with problems and stresses too. I'm also conscious of having an astonishly accepting and supportive partner however there are some elements that are difficult to truly understand.


I talked to my wife last night and she ensured me that it's not her comfort level. She said that she knows I've been full-time for over three years now but we have only been up to see them a couple of times. And a lot of them have not met me yet.

Sorry, your wife is either lying to you or to herself (most likely to herself). By definition it is her comfort level as if she was completely conformable and didn't have a problem then she would not give a toss if someone from her family disapproved. She chose you and presumably she chooses to stay. There are times in our life when we have to stand up for our choices.


I tried to explain to to her that after three years she's askings me to take a huge step backward. This is my first major event since I went full-time I was a little nervous about what I was going to wear to begin with. She says wear what you want I wanted it to go smoothly.


Why would it not go smoothly?? How many more events do you have to pretend for so that they "go smoothly"? I don't quite get the timeline? I understand things take time etc. but when you say transitioned I'm assuming you mean full time social transition, name change blah blah, not just on low dose placebo hormones or something?? I'm just a little surprised that this would be your first major event after 3 years. You've not had birthday dinners, wedding anniversaries, professional or society functions? You need to get out more girl :)!

I would probably hold back a little, remind her gently that you (hopefully) have never told her what to wear to a function and wait until she has time to process what she is asking you. That or you both go in pants suits if she wishes to be supportive but wants it to go smoothly. I'm afraid I'm with Kaitlyn though, what is the frigging point of going to a wedding if you can't wear a dress! (Love that tude Kaitlyn :))

[KymberlyOct]

Sometimes in relationships it is the seemingly small things that really show us the big picture. I think you are dead on the mark Janelle - I think this is indicative of the level of comfort your wife has regarding how you are perceived by others and how it reflects on her.

I am not trying to beat her up. Obviously there is a lot of good going on in your marriage or you wouldn't have lasted 3 years post transition. So I definitely see the positive. She has stuck by you and it sounds like you love each other. So I am not saying everything sucks by a long shot. But still your recounting of your argument IMHO demonstrates that there are still things bothering her about how both of you are perceived by other people. Sounds like there is still work to do - but it also sounds like it is worth it.

[Angela Campbell]

She is not asking for you to dress as a man. She is having some comfort level problems and as a marriage is all about compromise I would think this is a somewhat reasonable request. I have many very nice pants suits that are very nice and could be worn at a wedding. It is one day and if it makes her feel better what does it hurt?

[Eringirl]

I wasn't going to weigh in on this one, but, as usual, couldn't help myself!!! ;)

My opinion?? We don't transition in isolation. Everyone arounds us "transitions" as well, in their own way, on their own time line. I wrestled with it for years/decades...was it reasonable for me to expect everyone to get there immediately? For me...No. I gave them, and for a few, are giving them, as much time as they need. So far, all have come around. I agree with Angela, she is not asking you to dress as a man. I also wear pant suits to work on a regular basis, part of the "uniform" for professional women in my setting. Dress it up with a bit of jewelry or scarf, etc. You want the attention to be on the bride, not you. It is her day, not yours. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh....but again, this is just my opinion.

Hope the day goes well....for everybody.

[JanePeterson]

As long as your attire is in line with what others are wearing and what is socially appropriate for a woman at such an occasion... why on earth would you not wear what you want? Compromise is something we do with regards to making decisions with a spouse, but this sounds like she wants you to not be yourself. Why on earth would a women's pant suit be appropriate and not a dress? The only way it would matter is if she thinks you'll be seen as a dude... either wear what YOU want or don't go. Just my $0.02

[karla2016]

If I were you...I'd go dressed with a female tuxedo...of course I'm not you and only you can decide what to dress or not going there after all...

good luck...

Karla

[rachael.davis]

I love Eringirl's comments, and agree with her - it's your transition, it's your niece's wedding. you could give her a call and talk honestly to her about what she feels most comfortable with.
Every now and then you take one for the team.

[Janelle_C]

A little update, I went shopping and came home with a dress and a beautiful top and slacks. I was still a little torn over the idea that someone is telling me that I shouldn’t wear a dress. I did a lot of thinking about her comfort level and why she would ask that of me.
Then it hit me, this wasn’t a Trans thing but more of her comfort level of being seen as a gay woman. She had already told me that she did not feel she could slow dance with me. I believe that this more of a comfort level being seen at a wedding as a lesbian. I think having me in a pair of slacks and a top made her feel more comfortable, dancing with me. I talked to my therapist about this and she thought I was spot on. She is having to come out as a lesbian, and the fact that she’s not a lesbian but she is with a woman now is hard for her. She has done so much for me and has been there for me at every turn. So I could do this for her.
We had a great time. And I was not the only woman not wearing a dress. About 80% of the women were wearing dress though. I felt very comfortable and it was a beautiful ceremony. We did dance, but no slow dancing. She just needs a little time.
This is what I wore.

267562

[Georgette_USA]

I am glad you had a good time at the wedding.

I don't see how you ( definitely a woman ) dressed in a pants outfit makes you both look less like a Lesbian couple. Most Lesbian couples I know one usually wears pants and the other may or may not. Some even use the tag Trans*Lesbian, not really sure what that means.

I guess you both need to come to terms with this, now the wedding is done. Maybe some couples Therapy.

[Bria]

I'm glad that you were able to reach the point that you were comfortable in conceding to your wife's request. Our SOs can take a long time to adjust/accept/transition as we do those things and it is great that your wife has come as far as she has. Many don't.

BTW, the outfit looks very nice!

Hugs, Bria

[Kate T]

I would suggest reading Helen Boyd's books Janelle if you haven't already, particularly She's Not The Man I Married. I think they give a pretty good insight from a woman who genuinely had to question herself and go, OK, what is sexuality really? What is marriage really? What am I comfortable with? Why am I not comfortable with that? Is there anything wrong with not being comfortable with that?

Here is just one other thought. Think really really carefully about Why you want her to "slow dance" with you in public? So you can show her off "Look everyone, here is my lesbian wife"? So you can show everyone that she is "yours"? Honestly my partner/wife rarely "slow danced" in public before we transitioned nor do we now. We never needed to "possess" each other. It is enough that we steal a glance, an imperceptible smile across a crowded room. That we know almost instinctively what the other is thinking or wants to do. These are our moments, we didn't and don't need to show them to everyone. Because at the end of the day it is my chest she is resting on at home, it is her arms encircling me, it is her breathing and her smell that is just next to me in bed as I drift off to sleep and wake up in the morning. At the end of the day, she chooses me.

[jenn_devilz]

Sorry this happened to you. But I think it's pretty obvious now that you and your wife are NOT "doing good".

If I were in your shoes, I absolutely would not wear an outfit with pants to the wedding, especially if all the other women are wearing dresses, as you said. In your situation, I would either go to the wedding in a dress, or not go at all. And maybe that's what needs to happen here... not go to the wedding. Your wife could go alone, and say that you couldn't make it for one reason or another. Or she could also not go. But for you to go to the wedding, being singled out and "forced" to wear pants - that's demeaning. I would not do it.

Maybe you two can talk things over and convince her that it's ok for you to wear a dress? Especially given that you've been full-time for 3 years? Regardless of what you decide, it's going to be difficult. Sorry about that.


I totally agree with Mirya on this one dear!! Thats like making you obviously stick out when in reality you should be blending in with all of the other females because you are just one of the girls also!! This type of situation would infuriate me! I could see my ex-wife pulling this completely especially if we had stayed together. I would personally NEVER buy a pantsuit its just not my style at all. It's your body and you deserve to wear what you feel elegant and gorgeous in! Good luck!!

[Tommie.]

Angela and Erin were right... and I agree with them as I am dealing with all of it right now too... as most have had to do. And Janelle you made the hard, loving decision and came out right too. Thank you for your example.

[morgan pure]

Yes, it is an extreme hassle and she is wrong, but I would suck it up and wear a femme pants suit--like my gay women friends who don't look good in dresses.

- - - Updated - - -

Perfect and pretty.

[pamela7]

Hi Janelle,

I'm completely supporting you here, and I feel you've done exactly what you felt was right. I'm out everywhere now for 12 months full-time, but here's the gig. My in-laws have refused to be with me dressed as a woman. But, they're totally fine with our f2m son being in male clothes. Clearly it's hypocritical but it is as it is. So the decision with my wife is that she visits them alone, and if they come here, I absent myself.

I've been to two funerals since coming out, both times I wore dresses, and even my lifelong family seemed to be completely fine with it; cousins, uncles, aunts, second cousins. And they've said I'm always invited. I have cousins who have now come out to the family as gay and lesbian, so some big social shift really is going on I feel.

The thing I got fed back is this: me being me inspires everyone else to be true to themselves. I cannot think of a better message on a wedding day.


xxx Pam

[Rita Leigh]

I think you looked fantastic in that lovely pants and blouse combo. Congrats on a great choice and making your mostly accepting spouse more comfortable. It's never just about us when we are in a loving relationship...