One step forward, two steps back

[Sarah Doepner]

I've been making progress. I've come out to all four of my adult kids and they are all accepting. Only one was surprised, he was living out of the house when his younger brother hacked my computer and found out about Sarah. He told the other two but not the older brother, so when I told him he was a little shocked. Later his sister told me he said "That explains a lot." Not sure what that means, but I'm good with that.

The complication is that older son has moved in with me. Not a problem, I have the space. However he has two children with him and although he knows and I have the space, they aren't going to know about my crossdressing. Not yet at least, so it's keeping me confined to my bedroom most of the time. I've gotten out to a meeting but changed there.

This is going to last for a while as he needs to get on his feet financially. Not looking for sympathy, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it. I just needed to put it down as I come to terms with being back in the closet again for a while. Come spring I'm planning to sell my house and move to a place that will be just the right size for me and either a short term guest or a partner, but not an additional family. In the meantime, I tell myself I need to feel good about helping the family one more time, but I do miss some of the freedom I was feeling before this change in situation.

Oh well.

[Kathie Pantyhose]

Maybe since he knows and the kids don't, you can make an arrangement a couple days or nights a week where he takes the kids somewhere and give you some time to dress. It would seem to be a fair compromise

[Lorileah]

How old are the kids? Seems like your son would make some sort of concession so you could dress (Hey kids...Let's go to the park for awhile!)

[docrobbysherry]

When I had my 18 y/o daughter moved in with me full time 4 years ago, my relaxed and carefree dressing time disappeared after 14 years!:sad:

I ended up telling her so she wouldn't catch me and I didn't have to sneak around feeling guilty and worried. But, we're DADT. So, I still don't have the freedom I was used to. Having the house and grounds all to myself.

Hang in there, Sarah! Your being a good, supportive dad and grand dad.:thumbsup:

[Teresa]

Sarah,
It does sound very hard, if like me you've struggled with CDing all your life and now managed to finally start to enjoy it , is it selfish of you to lay down some rules saying it's your time now.

I would certainly find it hard being faced with same situation and have to hide behind closed doors again.

[Lana Mae]

I agree with Lorileah. Some time should be set aside for Sarah time. After all they are living with you! Also there should be grandad and father son times as well. Just saying. Hugs Lana Mae

[IleneD]

Sarah,
I truly appreciate your position and predicament.
One thing I've discovered since my own "coming out" (to SO only), is to be careful that "it" (CD) doesn't become all about myself.
Yes, I like the right to dress up. The SO doesn't mind keeping it at home (for now). But she's been adamant about Information Control.

Face it. We don't live in a vacuum. If you're a healthy human being you have solid relationships built over a lifetime. You have grandchildren. Enough said. And while YOU (or I) can rationalize our feminine side and it makes sense, it doesn't make sense to everyone. (Trust me on that one).
Everyone sees you through a different filter, in a different light, and hold you in esteem in ways you may not realize. Family, coworkers, friends, associates past all see you in different ways. You may not want to put some of that esteem at risk, and rightfully wisely so.
For example, when it comes to my grandchildren, my grandkids (especially grandson) know grandpa as a jet fighter pilot who fought in the war. I am very, very careful to not destroy or diminish the esteem that my grandson holds. He doesn't have a NEED to know about me, my dressing habits, etc. He sees me in semi-femme gear all the time (earrings, headscarves, funny clothes, etc. ), and he thinks I'm just an old hippie gone wild. But in my favorite green cocktail dress and makeup? Probably never going to happen. And I don't think I'm acting out of "shame" either. It just makes common sense to not destroy something that lad cherishes.
Be careful. Be wise. Not everyone needs to know, nor do they all understand. Some kids can't process it all. More importantly, continue to value your relationship with your kids and grandchildren. You will have those a lifetime. Good luck.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Sarah, I'm guessing your grandkids will show the sanctity of your bedroom the same respect your son showed your computer. I hope you have a lock, though that may simply offer them an interesting challenge.

I admire your generosity towards your son, but I admire even more your decision to downsize and reclaim your own life!

Good luck with your plans.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah:hugs:, Just when you think that you see a light at the end of the tunnel,

You find that it's just a train coming the other way ! ...:daydreaming:...

[SarahjayneA]

Sarah ,
i had a similar experience , my son left his partner and moved back in with us , he knows of my being 24/7 sarah and transitioning , his then daughter of 4years came every other weekend and stayed with us
he was scared of her finding out and mentioning it to his Ex , so i agreed to change to some unigender clothes while she was with us , after all most of the time they were out of the house anyway .
ok so this went on for a few months , and my disphoria was really cutting in , so i decided to tell my grandchild , but obviously you just cant tell a 4 year old grandad is becoming grandma etc !

so i first put some shoes on , and of course she noticed , and said thier girls shoes , of which i replyed 'yes do you like them' . no answer and off she went playing , so over a few months i changed to jumpers , jeans etc
and she noticed , but nothing said , then i went to put nail varnish on , and of course she really noticed that , of which i repled ' yes do you like the colour' and after that everytime she came it was out with granddad's makeup bag and chose
a colour , and me doing her nails as well.
then of course after a few weeks , i next left a wig out deliberatly , and shure enough she picked up the wig and placed it on her head, played with it ,she then put it back , and still no comment apart from 'do my nails grandad'
so now the fun bit how do i show her the real me !!! argh !!! , ok just go for it , fully dress makeup the works , she comes in and says' your dressed like a girl ' and laughs for about 4 seconds , i replyed ' do you like my outfit '
she smiled said 'yes' and just moved on and played ..... now she wakes up in the morning goes to my wardrobe and picks out what 'grandad is wearing for the day ' and not another mention or comment now , she takes it all as
just a normal day in our household , and is happy to go out with me , walk the dogs etc .. Childeren are so accommodating they accept it without question , it's when they become adults or teenage years when the distaste
comes to rest .
so just my way of taking the challenges brought to us , day to day .
Although i'll leave the transgender complexites, and using the correct pronouns till later , overall i'm pleased that it has not phased her
so i feel i did it right in the circumstance

[Sara Jessica]

Although you may not be able to buy a lot of alone time at home, I think you should be able to tell your son at times that you have "plans" and it would be helpful for him and the kids to vacate the premises for however long you need to get ready and leave to your destination. I don't think that is asking too much of him and that would make it so you don't have to get ready on the fly.

Courtesy calls when he is returning home would also help to avoid surprising the kids. Best of luck with this situation, we do what we must for our kids.

[Sarah Doepner]

Thanks for the support and excellent advice. Right now he's still struggling financially and is building his life up from scratch, so I'm trying to encourage him the best I can and provide some support that will benefit both of us. One of the first things was to get him a cell phone so we can do the kind of communication needed for all life these days, but will come in handy on my Sarah times. His daughter is in 1st grade and has no filters, so she will be one of the last to find out about Sarah. There are other older grandkids living within rock-throwing distance from me who will have to be brought in first to serve as role models for the younger ones. His son is 18, not in school and has some mental issues that require medication that make his sleep schedule very odd. We're still working though a lot of the basic things around the house and my son appreciates what I've done in opening my doors and supporting him and his family. I still need to have the conversation with him explaining how this is impacting me. It's a work in progress and I'm not about to let the previous couple of years of growth in my understanding of my gender fall away. It's possible that he is already looking for the day he can get his own place, but he needs more time before that is a real option.
Regardless, I have my room reserved for 6 nights in Las Vegas for DLV in the spring, so I now have a reward at the end of a challenging autumn and winter.

[ellbee]

Sarahjayne,

Great way to do something like this! :thumbsup:

[shawnsheila]

For me, if I am paying the bills and it is my house, and my adult children knew about my dressing, I would have a rule that allowed me space to be myself if my adult child didnt want my grand kids to know about it.

I would not mind helping my adult children out in time of financial trouble, they would just need to give me space to be me as part of that help :)

[Alice Torn]

I tsure is not easy giving up freedo after youv' had. I It is hard to have t adjust and accept ner boundries, that is for sure. i have to move soon, and the most promising apartment is a three plex, with a late 40's guys in each of the other places in the same house. That WILL cramp my dressing, as they will hear the heels on the floor, and may be at my door for something at imes, and see my come and go. It is a little bit in the country, too. But, the price is nice, and the landlord is ok with cats, and a fellow veteran. I value privacy above just about anything else. It is so hard to find these days . I have moved 48 times, and privacy is always the biggest issue. We have to adapt to more and more people needed a place to stay sometimes, relatives, and general overpopulation coming on big time. It is not easy, but we have to allow for others, to cramp our boundries in the times we live in. I know my dressing has become an obsession, and controlling my whole life now, and i need to curtail it some, like slowing down a runaway horse!! One day at a time.