Memories from childhood - Not a 'traditional' little boy

[Becky Blue]

I read a great book recently called Alice in Genderland, in that book Alice talks about memories of her childhood of things that in looking back were not 'normal male behaviours'. She is not talking about people who know from an early age that they are trapped in the wrong body, but people who start dressing later in life.

The book brought on some serious OMG moments for me as memories flooded back, it put a whole new perspective on my whole journey. I now realise that there were very early signs that I was not going to be a traditional/normal little boy.

For example
'Sugar and spice and everything nice that’s what little girls are made of
Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails that’s what little boys are made of'

Even as a little boy I so clearly remember being offended by this little rhyme, I did not feel that I was made up of frogs never mind snails. Whilst my young mind did not think I want to be one of those nice girls, I was not one of those yukky boys, why did the girls get the good stuff?

Then there was this
At age 5 I used to pretend I was a girl, I did not have a sister and therefore no clothes, but I did ask my mother to put a ribbon in my hair, I even had a girls name karen... i think I stopped playing at around age 7 and i think that was just one of many games I played.

I was always so very aware of girls and I remember (stressing is way to strong a word), wondering how girls go about getting their first bra, did it become obvious? or did their mother arrange it. Then it was periods, how do they make sure they don't bleed everywhere the first time ... What the!!!! was a little boy concerning himself with these things?

And finally the most scary for last
I remember very clearly walking with my mother at the shops and wondering why I didn't look like everyone else? I remember like it was yesterday looking at other children and thinking I don't look like them, I had an inherent feeling that something was wrong with the way I looked. it was quite a while before I realised that no one looked like anyone else :)

Before anyone thinks too much i had a very happy childhood growing up in a very normal environment, I just had some signs of early gender dysphoria perhaps.

I would love to hear of anyone else's childhood memories that perhaps didn't fit the gender norms.

[AlyssaJ]

Many of my memories mimic those you've covered here. I remember the hatred of that stupid rhyme, being almost jealous to some extent of girls getting their first bras, that right of passage that is so unlike anything we get as boys. I did have sisters and remember them playing dress-up with me. I also remember playing dress-up with the neighbors and loving putting on pretty jewelry and shoes.

In school, my earliest memory related to my gender dysphoria was curiosity and jealousy of the girls in their uniform jumpers and tights. Us boys had to wear our uncomfortable scratchy corduroy pants and shirts while the girls got to wear something that looked so much more comfortable. Every year we had a Christmas play written and produced by our music teacher. I can still remember being jealous of the guys who got roles that required them to wear tights or pantyhose. I never got one of those parts, the disappointment is still very clear in my mind.

I remember one year my best friend showed up at a school halloween party dressed as a girl. Dress, heels, makeup, the whole nine yards. Talking with my parents about it I remember the need I felt to reject the idea of ever doing something like that, doing all I could to hide the fact that deep down I wished I could do that for halloween too.

[DIANEF]

As a young boy I was very interested in music. I'd watch pop videos of various kinds, but when boy-girl groups would come on I'd find myself singing along to the girl parts, not the male. When beauty contests came on (when they were allowed) I was more concerned with what the girls were wearing, and thinking how I'd love to wear such things, rather than how good looking they were. In the UK we had a very popular drag act called Danny LaRue (this was the 70s) and I was fascinated about how this man could transform himself into a glamorous woman. All this was long before I ever got into some girl clothes, so I knew something wasn't quite right with me. Looking back there are dozens more moments I can recall. I was never a 'lads' lad when young, but not super girly either. My mum knew or suspected I wasn't like my siblings but said nothing. As it turned out I am now happy as the occasional cross dresser, though there have been times when I desperately did not want to revert to male mode. I wish I'd written down more of my feelings when I was younger.

[Lana Mae]

I have not analyzed this yet but it is part of my past. I used to ride the bus with my mother to my aunts house. (dating myself -bus service locally from town to town!) My aunt ran a beauty parlor in her house. Now I do not remember specific things about this. I can remember my aunts house very well. I do not remember any thing out of the ordinary happening. But...young boy in female environment??? I played with rollers etc, but hair was too short for me to wear! I do not know or remember anything significant about this experience. So maybe nothing to it!! Hugs Lana Mae

[sara66]

I remember when ever my sister hit the mile stone, like the first bra, first pantyhose. They were always my firsts. I would be "sick" and have to stay home from school. I was never interest in what guys wore, I only was interested in what the girls wore. I played with the girls in the neighborhood as much or more the boys. when I was 6 or 7, a couple of the neighbor boys went as girls for Halloween as a dare. I always wanted to ask my mom if I could, but could never muster the courage. As I got older and start my growth spurt I was dismayed that I was going to be to big to be girly(at least part time). Don't get me wrong I have never been unhappy being a guy, but sometime being just a little more girly would be fun.
Sara

[ronda]

I remember enjoying wearing panties at a very early age would wear my sisters when I could get them always hung out with the girls and still do

[nikinylons]

I was raised mostly by female influence and always admired how classy and beautiful they all looked. I used to lay in the floor and rub mom's pantyhose legs as most little boys do. I was fascinated with the way they felt and looked. In grade school (pre-puberty), I'd walk home with the girls who lived down the street and they would all grab me and take me into their house and dress me up. I never fought back and didn't know why lol. I loved the attention and the way the clothes felt on my body. I also remember after they stopped laughing how they coddled me and said what a cute girl I was. It was a perplexing feeling leaving their house and going home happy but somewhat confused. The confusion eventually ended when on the playground all of those girls wanted to play with me because the other boys would just give them a hard time as boys do that age. That seem to validate everything and at a young age I learned mutual respect between male and female by way of humiliation. I was ok with it.
I hit puberty sooner than most did and a tidal wave of hormones started to rage. After discovering myself, one day after school, I slid on a pair of mom's pantyhose and that intoxicating feeling has never left. It brought out things in me that I was taught were wrong for boys to do. Sit a certain way, walk a certain way, etc. OMG I was captivated. There's more to tell and it's in my personal story post, but reading other girl's stories on here, it appears that we all have that one moment in life with that one garment that unleashed it all. I'm so thankful it did. Yes it was a struggle against myself for many years but I found that if you work with it, not against it, and surround yourself with supportive females who appreciate it then everything will fall into place. This forum is a great place to start if you are still struggling because we are all here to help.
XOXOX
Niki

[Jenniferathome]

I was very much the traditional little boy, into all things that every boy was into. I never had a "girlie" thought or felt they had it better. In fact, boys have is WAY better than girls. The only caveat is that I was also a cross dresser. I never linked the fact that I liked wearing girls underwear to doing "girl" things.

[Beauty Parlor Bev]

I remember when I was in 4th or 5th grade at Halloween and my best friend, a boy, dressed as a girl. Our teacher even helped with his makeup, I was so captivated by this and I remember having a myriad of emotions from fear to humiliation and finally jealousy!

In third grade, my teacher would give everyone a huge kiss for their birthday and she made a huge show of putting on her lipstick and then the birthday boy or girl would have to wear the lipstick kiss mark all day! I still remember her frosted pink color! I was so humiliated every time she did this it was like mortal fear in me! I was so glad that my birthday was over summer break!

[alwayshave]

For example
'Sugar and spice and everything nice that’s what little girls are made of
Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails that’s what little boys are made of'

I cannot begin to tell you how much I hate this rhyme. I never understood it and never liked it. The last time i heard it uttered by someone was about 15 years ago. I had such a visceral reaction to it, I had to leave the area.

[April Showers]

In Scotland at Halloween we would go guising which is basically trick or treating except we had to sing a song or recite a poem or tell a joke and we got money instead of candy usually a penny or tuppence if we were lucky. Anyway when I was about 7 my mum took me to the novelty shop to get something to wear. I saw this Pocahontas wig and asked my mum if i could go as her. She said no I couldn't go as a girl. I was crushed I wanted that wig soooo bad, I still have dreams about it. When I was 12 we moved to England and one of the first TV shows I remember seeing when we got there was a Danny LaRue special, I was mesmerized and knew from that moment on I wanted to look just like that and if he could do it I could too. From that day on I started dressing up in my sisters clothes and makeup and when my mum and dad would go to the pub (frequently) I would sneak out the house dressed and go for long walks getting back before last call. When I was 18 I gave my mum a picture of me dressed up taken at a pub I used to go to and when anyone came to our house she would pull it out and ask if they wanted to see a picture of her other daughter.......if you had only let me have that wig mum.

[Tracy Irving]

I would put on my mothers panties from a very early age until I could drive and purchase my own. I once had to keep a pair that didn't clean well enough to put back. She found them under my bed. Ouch...

[Becky Blue]

It is interesting to note that some of you were aware of something at an early stage and most instinctively knew to keep it quiet. In my case I was blissfully unaware that there was anything going on, I played pretend i was a girl and thought nothing of it.

[Teresa]

Becky,
I feel we see most of this in hindsight, we have the knowledge now and we can see a pattern that emerged in childhood. At the time most of us just get on with being kids not thinking too much if we are different.

I know now most of us are born like it and are wired differently, I had normal play friends both girls and boys but I did a girlfriend /boyfriend thing with the girl next door from an early age, my testosterone kicked in early but didn't really know what was going on even so my brain pushed me into a situation where wearing a swimsuit but not knowing why ended up in an involuntary orgasm , all the lose eds were linked together, and that's where I possibly became bi-gender and my GD started. I know I've lived with those feelings ever since , but at the time didn't think I was different . It was only when I entered secondary school and read my first biology books and discovered girls develop before boys which upset me because I was also being singled out in the showers in an all boys school as the only one in m y age group to have pubic hair.
I we

[tifftg]

I have read the book and it is a fascinating journey of clear acceptance and direction. It is interesting to read everyone's comments. When I reflect it now seems odd to me that I most like Jenniferathome. I was an active happy boy who started crossdressing in my teens and have enjoyed it ever since to varying degrees.

Perhaps not so odd in the sense that I do not view myself as a woman rather now a happy Crossdresser.

[Kate Simmons]

Always liked playing with girls and playing girl games. I was rough and tumble but secretly considered myself a tomboy. :battingeyelashes::)

[NewBrendaLee]

I too have many memories growing up of feeling different. I use to perfer dolls to ttruck.When I was alone I use to pretend that I was a wife /mommy with a pretend child or baby .As I got into puberty I perfered being alone and dressing in my moms clothes than playing sports .Also I perfered to look at girl toys in stores than boy toys .Shopping with my mom I always wished that she could buy me a dress.

[Karyn Marie]

Wow....This is why I love this site so much. I have experienced many of the same things as everyone else. When I was growing up, I was pretty much a boy, but I also felt like I should have been born a girl. Seems like I used to love playing with girls all the time, especially in elementary school, where I would jump rope. I did play with dolls on occasion and played house with my sister, where I pretended I was the girl. My sister did not know that however. I also used to prefer to wear the dresses my mother gave to my sister to play with along with the heels she gave her. I think I played with them more than my sister did. I can remember also at a young age that I wanted to be a girl. I felt so out of place as a boy. I did not have much of a relationship with my dad either. He rarely played catch with me, and I was not very good at sports, even though I tried out for baseball every year. In those days we had to try out, and not everyone made the team. I never made a team, and was always accused of throwing the ball like a girl. :). I was also not into any contact sports as a participant. I did not like getting hit. Anyway, I sometimes wonder if I was a girl in a past life.

[Dana44]

I grew up in an area that was really hard. I probably was in several hundred fights when I graduated high school. It was men men men. Oh my I was different and that was probably why I had to protect myself. I remember standing at night looking at the stars trying to figure out what i was. I would get these feminine switches and could not show anyone any variance. Tough to be gender fluid in those days. When I was old enough, I said to myself, well you are not like other men. what are you. I decided to beat to my own drum and not follow the herd. It did take me a while to figure myself out and those feminine switches would get me to crossdress naturally but it was in my forties that it all came together. I am a DES son and I think the synthetic estrogen really put a change to my body and I had a hard time growing up. Now I understand it and I can protect myself as I always had to. It was different time and oh my it was so hard. when I got married I went out to dinner with my wife sweater and a skirt and heels. Crazy in those day but I was not afraid. Lived through it though.

[NewBrendaLee]

I believe that in several of my past lives I was a girl. I went through alot of what you wrote about

[Ally 2112]

I also really wanted nothing to with anything girly when i was younger .As i have gotten older it seems im getting more and more into female realm .Not sure why ?

[Joan58]

I remember feeling left out when my Mom and sister would get go somewhere and I had to stay at home with dad and brother.Dad would say you don't want to go with them,they are just going to do girl stuff.

[Barbara Black]

I was never the typical boy, but never thought about being female. I couldn't keep up with the boys ever, in the teens I never had enough guts to chase girls (but surely wanted to), and never seemed to get into teams of boys. My only male companions were those in my neighborhood, who basically had to because of proximity. As soon as the neighborhood boys groups began going into other neighborhoods to play with other boys, I was left behind. Not until reading much on this site did I see my real relationship with women(girls). While I did a lot of looking, leering, and daydreaming, I realize now that I was also more interested in their clothes than the girls underneath them (this is a bit of an exaggeration). I realize now that watching skirts swing, breasts swell and jiggle, and nylons cling, I was interested in feeling those things as a part of me. Of course, I saw my chances with girls was so minimal that I was also being realistically limited by my own perceptions, so I accepted this as the best I could hope for, not knowing that it was what I wanted anyway until much later.

[Confucius]

I never felt like a typical boy. Yes, I often experienced that "scary feeling" that I don't look like everyone else.

My mother wanted a daughter when I was born. I was a disappointment to my mom, but she didn't have to wait long. When I was six month old she was pregnant again. This time she gave birth to my sister. My mother often retold the story and it always ended by saying that my sister's birth was the happiest day of her life. My sister was my mother's pampered princess, and I grew up thinking that all parents favored daughters. I always thought that my mother would have loved me more if I was born a girl. By the time I was three years old I was raiding my mom's closet and dressing up in her clothes. When I started school I learned that I couldn't play dress up in girl's clothes. At this time I thought I was normal. For years I grew up thinking that (1) all parents preferred daughters, (2) all boys secretly enjoyed wearing girls clothes, and (3) all boys would have preferred being born girls.

I grew up as an introvert. A quiet, sensitive boy, who liked art, cartoons, and happy endings. Once I learned that my world view wasn't correct, I then felt like I was the only person in the world with my peculiar gender preferences.

[IleneD]

A year before I retired from the Navy, I was visiting my Mother, having lunch. We were talking about Life (in general), and my life; and what I accomplished in my career and family. All great.

Out of nowhere my Mom told me "I'm so glad you turned out the way you did."
The statement almost flew past me, but after I had time to think about it....I got it. I had always been a "sissy" growing up as a lad. Effeminate. My junior year in HS I was still just under 6 ft tall and 165 scrawny pounds; not my current 6'3'/215lb. A very slow developer. I didn't shave until I graduated from high school (and even then I didn't "need" to do it for many more years). Always picked on and beaten up by other boys. My natural interests were towards artwork, music, I even wanted to dance. Instead my dad literally forced me into rough sports, I imagine now to beat the sissy out of me.

So, it dawned on me that my Mother KNEW! She knew all along I who I was deep inside. She knew I harbored a little girl inside me. She probably thought I was the G-word all along too. And (almost sadly) she let me know by telling me she was glad I didn't "turn out that way."
Don't know how (well, I have some scientific thoughts on how), or why I enjoy feminine things and have a strong femme element to my personality. It's clear that, like many men on this board, those feelings began way back in childhood. We weren't even AWARE to what the EFF was going on. Most men in my 'condition' just lived childhood thinking they just didn't fit in, or they were just strange for an indeterminate reason. It's often only after years of experience and examination that a crossdresser can even begin to put all those puzzle parts together into a coherent explanation.

[Becky Blue]

I have often wondered what my parents thought about me playing 'pretend I am a girl games'. They were probably very relieved when i stopped. i don't remember how often i played or when or why I stopped, but it must have been quite often for me to have remembered.

I would love to ask my parents, but then they would wonder why I am asking... don't wish to open that box

[Lana Mae]

It is strange how memories sometimes come unbidden and interpretation is different when we are older! Just now in this order. Thinking about a friend in high school calling me "a lady's man" because I could talk with the girls. Did not realize I wanted to be them! Which led to: Girls back then wore long leg pantie girdles and nylons to school with their skirts or dresses. At least four instances of seeing the same. Girls' clothing a mystery to me at the time! I really wanted to try one of those girdles and nylons to see how they felt! Tried on my mother's and it felt so gooood but I also felt so guilty! A small glimpse into my"childhood" ! Hugs Lana Mae

[EABrown]

My aunts always said I should have been a girl. I remember looking at the Sears catalog and seeing the ladies underwear section and not having sexual. Dreams of them BUT wondering how I would look in lafied clothes. And keeping Mom's runned stockings when she threw them away. EM

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Thanks for this thread Becky, I've really enjoyed reading all the replies.

Although I discovered I loved wearing female underwear at about age 13, I don't recall feeling feminine as such until I was about 17. I saw a Dior Homme nightshirt which was basically a woman's cotton dress and got my mother to buy it for me. My hair had grown very long and I used to wear the nightshirt tucked into jeans, so I could feel like I was going out in a dress. My happiest moment was when a waiter approached our table from behind me - I was sitting with 2 women- and said, 'Are you ladies ready to order?'.

That same year a girl left a box of things at our house to collect later, and in it was a black skirt which I could just fit into. More joy, though I never dared wear it in public. At that point my fantasy was to be Carly Simon, and I also began sitting down to pee- a habit I've never lost.

My great regret is that I didn't go headfirst into CDing, while I was young and could have passed very convincingly, but my conservative childhood and background won out and the CDing remained firmly in the background, until I was about 30.

[Stephanie47]

I grew up in a total male environment. My family was a typical post-WWII family. I had an older brother by fourteen months. A little sister came along when I was almost twelve, so she had no influence on me. I had four older and younger post WWII male cousins. I had two uncles, one married and one not. In my apartment building there was only one post WWII girl. There were enough guys my age to field a full baseball team and then some. There was no dress up games. My life was totally consumed with sports and games and getting into trouble.

The first three years of my life my family lived in a large house with my father's mother, my grandmother. When we moved to our won apartment. I started to have a vivid dream of myself as a woman bloodied and laying in the snow. I was wearing only white undergarments; bra, panty and slip. I was laying in the snow in a vacant lot behind a corner bar that was across the street from our apartment building. That image is still ingrained in my head. I was only three. We had no television set yet. A television would not come for another two years. The images went away. When I was nearing puberty I started to find myself drawn to my mother's slips which she always hanged to dry in either the sole bathroom in the apartment or in the hallway on a clothesline.

I often wonder if those images had something to do with the concept of "past lives." There are eastern religions which ascribed to this concept. There are even television programs and books describing these "past lives." Usually in these past lives" the recollections and images go away. I often wonder if those past lives, if they in fact do occur, influence who we become.

[Jane G]

Definatley not a traditional little boy. I always dreamt of being a girl from my earliest memories. My parents did not support any outward expression of this, at all. A definite part of why I left home and joined the navy. I will probably always hide my real self from the greater part of the world as a result. Plus being 6' 4" does not easily convince others I'm a woman inside. So no not a traditional boy and not a traditional man now, but I except who I am now. Then I wanted so badly to be someone else.

[AnnieMac]

Ohh hun you really struck a nerve with me with that stupid rhyme!! I so hated that rhyme when I was little boy. It made me feel terrible like I was some kind of monster, and I hate it today. Who would know they would have that same silly rhyme down under ( I would have thought they would be different animals). Most of my playmates when I was growing up were girls, not for any other reason than that's who lived close to me. It was wonderful actually because it was great then we were just all pals, before it got all tied up with gender and sex and relationships.We played boy games and we also played girl games, but really they were all just kids games. But sometimes when we all got together and the girls and their mom's got to talking about "kind of girl things", I feel sometimes odd man out (no pun), or maybe I should say odd boy out, and once and a while that rhyme would rear it's ugly head.Gee, I wanted to be all things nice too, like my friends. Maybe its why I crossdress today. Girls were good - boys were bad. This was also emphasized in the catholic school I went to by the terrible nuns there. I hope GGs that hang out here once and a while realize how hurtful that rhyme was to some of us.
Ok, I feel better now. I'm done with my rant - love, Annie

[Becky Blue]

For me, I grew up thinking I was a perfectly normal little boy. I had no awareness (that I can recall) of any thoughts about gender either way. I started CDing at 14... it was only as an adult after reading Alice in Genderland that I realised that so many things I remembered were actually gender related. Looking back now the signs of what was to come later were there.

[Connie D50]

What a great post everyone has they own memories. I knew very young and growing up with 7 brothers and sisters (4 brothers 3 sisters) at times made it hard and then again girls cloths every where :-). I wish i had this site or the knowledge that I wasn't the only one with theses feelings. I think I would have done things differently I did all the boys things because of course i was told to do them by everyone and everything I saw. However even with soooo many in the house I found time to express my girl side.

[Rosemary+]

I started dressing at pre school age, outwardly I was a normal little boy, I did all the normal boys things, though when i had the chance ,I'd gravitate towards the girls, I always sat with the girls and I'd play with them at pre school, etc..
When i entered school I instinctiively knew that i should be playing with the boys, but at first I never really fitted in when i first joined the boys, it was around year 2 that I built a facade around me and I learnt to act as the normal,little boy. Gee it was hard trying to be that normal boy, when all I wanted was to run and play with the girls.
All through my teen years,, the other boys would be talking about how pretty this or that girl was, where I'd be thinking wow that dress would look nice on me.
Any way I got through it all, and now I'm a well adjusted 60'yo crossdressers who loves her life!

[Lily Catherine]

'Sugar and spice and everything nice that’s what little girls are made of
Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails that’s what little boys are made of'


I'm not quite sure I got this rhyme right the first time I heard of it as a young child. I hated it to the very core of my being, perhaps within the right intention of the rhyme. I've also snapped upon hearing it when my age was a single digit. I ended up eating the former two ("field chickens" and escargot respectively) and befriending a stray dog as a teenager. Till this day I enjoy the company of (domestic) animals, in what must have been one hell of an ironic twist, within the plain reading of the rhyme.

I must have mentioned elsewhere that certain disciplinary offences in primary school warranted wearing the opposite gender's uniform - one of them was hair offences. The worst I've seen in recent history that was reported only amounted to putting a hair clip on a pre-school boy's head, and remarking that his hair looked much neater. No word on what the kids thought, but it sparked a small uproar on the Internet.

I've probably never admitted this before, but Mum theoretically already saw me crossdressed (partially) when I was four or five. I was herded into the changing room when Mum tried on a dress and remarked to me how pretty she? it? was. I left, took a dress from the children's section and held it in front of myself, prompting shocked looks from her and the shop assistant. I wouldn't consider that my start, however.

[Dee-anna]

I would play dress ups with a bag of mums old dressers with my sister, some times i would go across the road to play dress ups with the girl there we would play sisters or houses.i was 7 or 8.
I remember that rhyme i did not want to be made out of frogs and snails,i wanted to be made out of sugar and spice.

[CONSUELO]

I remember that rhyme too. Sometimes girls used to chant it and I would burn with indignation. I grew up in a female dominated household and whereas I did a lot of typical boyish things and games I was hopeless at ball games. I took up swimming and was good at that but I know my father was bothered by the fact that I did not play ball games and once I was admonished for doing something that was "like a girl". I always felt comfortable with my gender as a child but was definitely strongly interested in feminine things and to this day I prefer female company and other than at work I tend to avoid large groups males.

[Connie D50]

I was very much the traditional little boy, into all things that every boy was into. I never had a "girlie" thought or felt they had it better. In fact, boys have is WAY better than girls. The only caveat is that I was also a cross dresser. I never linked the fact that I liked wearing girls underwear to doing "girl" things.

Sorry I have to ask isn't wearing girls cloth doing a "girl" thing?? :-)

[Becky Blue]

After reading all your childhood memories, it triggered a few more of mine... Thanks ladies :)

Around the age of 10, i went through what I would call my 'dark phase' for quite a while I insisted on only wearing black clothes...BUt yet my undies had to be white as I was concerned that if they were red or blue people may think I was wearing girls panties... LOL at myself what a strange kid at times...

I also recall that whilst I was OK at sport I could not catch a ball, i was told many times that I caught (or rather attempted to catch) like a girl, clapping my hands together in a vain attempt to hold onto the ball.