Rule #1 fail....now what?

[Eve_cd]

So, as the title implies, I failed to tell my now-wife that I am, and have been a crossdresser for almost my entire life(37yrs) until well after the wedding and children. I wish I had found this site sooner, lots of good advice. It has been over a year since I told her/introduced her.

At first, it was new and exciting, totally ok, and we were making grand plans about how we were going to incorporate this into our life. Then, a little bit of reality set in, as the scope of it came into focus, and she realized that I had kept something like this from her. It also became clear, pretty much from the start that she's really not sexually attracted to or satisfied by the feminine form/energy.

We are committed to staying together, because our bond is so strong and special. (Really, it would seem like bs to me, if I wasn't experiencing it.)
She feels strongly that I deserve to have/live an authentic life, but at the same time that authenticity challenges her on a deep, deep level.
She is scared of it because she doesn't understand, and wants me to help her make sense of it. Thus far, I have been wholly unsuccessful, but she doesn't ask specific or general questions, just insists that I keep trying. (I honestly believe that she's as stopped up about what to ask, as I am to volunteer)
Here is my actual question: What would help explain it or make at least some sense of it for a person? Or help them not feel so threatened by it? (Extra tricky when the trust has already been broken, I know)

Thanks in advance
-Eve

[EABrown]

Good luck!!!! Been there and am divorced. Mine demanded I stop PERIOD. You have a chance it seems. Go slow. Maybe shopping together as a start. Nothing sexy HOT. And don't let the dressing take away the normal couple time. And NO secrets about when and where and etc. Em

[bridget thronton]

Try to keep talking

[ReineD]

Hi Eve, welcome to the forum.

I'm a GG. Although I was supportive from the onset, I also felt threatened in the beginning, for three reasons: over time I perceived that he got so much more out of the CDing than anything else in life (including me), for years it seemed as if it was continuously ramping up, and so I didn't understand how far my SO wanted to take this. Even though he told me that he did not want to transition, the ramping up of everything contradicted what he said. I thought he was in denial about really wanting to transition. I felt that I would be unable to live my life with a transitioned partner because I am not nor have I ever been attracted to women.

It took about 5 years for things to stabilize, for my SO to prioritize other things in his life again, for me to finally believe that the crossdressing was only a part of him and that he fundamentally identified as a transgender-male (and not as a female). He doesn't want to come out at work or to his parents, or to selected friends (our LGBTQ friends know) and there are also people in my life I am not interested in telling. My SO prefers being male with all these people.

So it might be a question of reassuring your wife. If you tell her that you do not know where this is going, then I'm afraid she will not feel comfortable with it any time soon.

It's hard for me to suggest how you can make sense of it to your wife, without knowing what you do ... how often do you want to dress, who do you want to come out to, do you want to alter your body with hormones. In guy mode, do you want to maintain a fully shaved body, grow out your hair and nails, pierce your ears and trim your eyebrows. Do you want to go out regularly while dressed and if so do you want to go out in your own neighborhood or in the next town over. How large a wardrobe do you want. Are you interested in taking vacations fully dressed, attending TG conventions, getting photo shoots, posting pics of yourself online. Sorry for all the questions, but when you put them all together you can maybe appreciate why a wife might feel nervous about all of this.

[Teresa]

Eve,
Write it all down , I worked out a gender sheet to assess where I felt was on the road, by doing that certain sections didn't make sense without writing down how my CDing started, you must be totally honest with yourself with that one. Finally I wrote down how all that has affected my life and where I am now and what my needs are.
You must be truthful and not hold anything back, it also has to written in an impartial way so no blame is attributed to your wife.

I did this initially to help explain it to my gender counsellor, she found it very useful, especially the gender sheet, she also agreed that it was a very good way to explain it to my wife. My wife always refused to attend counselling with me and when it came to talking about the items I'd written she only read the summary sheet of where I am now, that was still enough for her to understand far more about me and where we both were with my Cding.

Writing it down gives your CDing substance , the fact that you've taken the trouble to think it through and put it in writing, she can pick it up at any time and read it, it is much better than trying to put it into words and it coming out wrong. It's very easy to make the wife the problem because she doesn't accept it, especially in a DADT situation it's not her fault .

[mykell]

hi eve,
i have heard from some that the book my husband betty was a good read and helped folks,
i do not have any experience with the book personally though,
we as people can try to explain this but the difficulty would be like trying to explain color to a blind person i assume,
so for something that we cannot rationalize to our own community how can we ever hope to explain it to someone who is not a part of it,
and then even if it were possible we could not help them comprehend it.

we started at a DADT after my reveal, today i host support events, she does not want to see it and i have done my best to support her wishes, even so i now their are little things that remind her and still feel guilty sometimes, just something as innocuous as my lounge pants in the wash are a reminder to her of it im sure as i only wear them in the winter when i shave.

i know it is not on the same level as crossdressing BUT when i go in the front door i always check the mailbox for mail....even after i have already received it for the day i check, its not something i can rationalize or explain but i do it, if she has a trait like this MAYBE it could help her wrap her head around it a little bit more.
for me i feel like it is more of an instinctive desire, always been there and i act on it from that perspective.
as far as the trust.....i have been building it back up, dont know if she feels threatened by it....

[IleneD]

My heart goes out to you, Eve.
Yours' is a common tale of "late coming out". Mine was too [about 4 months ago].
So far, so good but I know the trail is still fraught with peril, but we're in love and have been for 40 yrs.

One thing I employed in The Talk (you know The Talk, the Coming Out Talk that proceeds), was the thought of CD as a form of "COSTUMING". The dress is a costume where I can assume a role.
I wonder, when we begin our explanation of something we may not understand ourselves, if we don't harm our own case by making CD primarily about our SOUL. Now, I know that for me my Femme Side is real and tied to the deepest parts of me. But I don't wish to BE a woman or transition to full-time womanhood. I still need to keep in touch with that good feminine part of my being. Yet seen from a spouse perspective, the fact your CD life may be tied to your very essence could definitely be seen as a threat. It certainly constitutes a dramatic change in the terms of a relationship.

I've tried to downplay those "soul" aspects, and emphasize the fun-costuming, and "make believe" aspects of my habit. I also try to not FLAUNT it. Like one poster said, try not to wear anything sexually hot. I tend to wear more demure, mature styles.

AND.... the biggest part. Try not to make CD the center of your relationship. You and your Spouse are the Number One priority. I've also found (since The Talk), that I am more affectionate to my wife, more physical in expressions, and make a greater effort to pay attention to HER. I promised my SO when we had The Talk, that the man she knew; that big strong man, is still here. I'm still the same guy. I just ADDED an element that I understandably didn't reveal in the past. Nothing else should change. If anything, life could change for the better as I'm far more relaxed, open and at ease.

Good Luck. You're not going to find the keys to your kingdom in one day or one post. Keep reading. Keep learning. The tales and experience of others like Us are the most valuable part of being a member here.
Love.

[CONSUELO]

I think Teresa has a good idea and you should write down your feelings and also your history of cross dressing. When I did that I found that certain small episodes in my early life were very important as they were an early revelation of what I was to become in my adult years. It is always good to be introspective for a while and it may help you to share things with your wife that you had overlooked. Renee also puts it very well. Your wife may not be interested in being a member here and much material may not be helpful but she could also find advice and experience that would help her deal with and understand her reaction to your cross dressing.

[Lana Mae]

Be sure to read Reine's and Ilene's comments. Very good advise from everyone! Remember: Trust, honesty and communication keep relationships alive!! Best wishes going forward. Hugs Lana Mae

[Helen_Highwater]

I'm in the position of being married for very many years, grown up kids, the works. It truth I can't ever see myself coming out this late in the relationship. If however my little secret was discovered and I was forced to reveal all, and assuming our relationship survived the initial shock, I would at some point try to get my SO to attend a support group meeting where there were CD's and their SO's.

Having been to a couple of groups and talked to the partners of CD's about their experiences you quickly come to the realisation of just how "normal" their lives are. Some involved CD's who live mostly full time dressed. Others who dress in their spare time as and when the fancy/opportunity presents itself. Whichever lifestyle, talking to the SO revealed just how little impact their partners dressing had had on their lives together. No great earthquake moments. Life went and goes on.

I know going to a group is a big step even alone let alone as a couple but finding a kindred spirit, someone who's been there tee shirt and all will shed much more light on the truth of your situation.

[Helen 2]

Reine...I just wanted to take a brief time-out-of-time to send u a long-distance hug.....
You have been a voice of reason and always offered the perspective from 'the other side' that has helped many, many of us, so....thanks. I so enjoy reading what you post.
With profound respect,
Helen

[ellbee]

One thing I employed in The Talk (you know The Talk, the Coming Out Talk that proceeds), was the thought of CD as a form of "COSTUMING".

Why some GF's/wives totally freak out over something *temporary* is beyond me.
Clothes can be taken off. Make-up can be removed. And guess what? Surprise, surprise: shaved hair even grows back! :confused3:

It is, indeed, just a costume, in that sense.


How that automatically translates into the "worst-case" scenario, is beyond me.

[Helen_Highwater]

Laura,
Why do they flip out? Because even in these more somewhat more enlightened times there's still a huge stigma perceived to be associated with crossdressing. "Must be gay", "OMG he wants to become a woman", "How do I explain this to the kids?". All sorts of thoughts fly into the head. It's one thing when your partner says, "I think I'm going to take up golf" or even "I'm going to grow my hair longer, like it was when I was younger". That's just put down to a mid life crisis. Lets face it however, very few of us truly understand the whys and wherefores as to what drives us to partake of our little hobby so why should we expect SO's just to go, "You're a crossdresser?" "Yep I'm OK with that".

[ellbee]

Yep, totally flipping out over everything & automatically assuming "the worst" seems to be a great way to go through life! :thumbsup:

:brolleyes:



Get a grip, GG's. For your own sanity & well-being. :)

You should know better than anyone that clothes, make-up & shaving are only temporary -- which *doesn't* fundamentally change who you are.

[Lana Mae]

Reine, as Helen said I have the most respect for your experiences and opinions. You speak from experience from the other side and help us see that side more clearly. You speak intelligently and explain things well. You have my utmost respect. It is a pity that some people do not really listen to what you are saying!!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Teresa]

Ilene,
I'm not sure I agree with you on playing down the soul part and make it more to do with a costume. Somehow I feel that's the same as saying my CDing is an enjoyable hobby. I personally couldn't do that to my wife and family, my wife has been through a great deal and I wouldn't insult her by telling her it's only dress up fun. She knows I have GD and close to the TS line it's why she's cut me just enough slack to come to terms with it.

Laura,
Yes the surface covering can come off but nothing can erase the inner need . To me CDing isn't an act, I don't change my voice or my actions when dressed, it's taken a great deal of effort to lose the associated guilt and shame, and get to the point where it doesn't matter what people think, all that was written in my notes . That part my wife did read so she knows how I feel , it was also part of the debate about separating , if the gap between where I am now and her acceptance level was too wide we were prepared to do it . It's only when you get to that point that the sensible talking starts , the true values or lack of them come to light.

[ellbee]

"To me CDing isn't an act..."


Thank God wearing a costume isn't a prerequisite for that, because I'd make a terrible actress! :laughing:

[#dontunderstand]

A1 advice. Me and my CD husband had this same talk this morning. Don't take away my normal time. We did go shopping together this weekend.

- - - Updated - - -

Dry good advice. I ask a lot of this all the time

[AnnaMarie]

Eve_CD, I came out to my wife about six months ago. I'd been out to a couple of events and had made (and still have) great friends associated with my Cding (more so than in my normal everyday life). The guilt was becoming unbearable in that I had to take the risk and tell her as it is the only thing I've ever kept from her in the entire time I've been married. I could have lost everything dear to me and my life could have been in ruins due to it. Thankfully that evening I told her (I put it all down in a letter and read it to her - and answered all the obvious questions) she was more upset than me that I had to keep this from her. She did admit at the time though that had she knew when we'd met we'd have probably not got together and although she was annoyed I'd kept this from her understands the reasons why. That evening has been the only time we've had a conversation about it apart from the odd comment every now and then. I'd love to talk about it more, discuss more why I've now accepted me for who I am (which in no way takes away from my ability to be a caring loving husband and father) and a few ground rules that she is in control of. That I don't think is going to happen anytime soon. I have my 'things'. My wife knows where they are if she ever wants to look but doesn't want a vision of me in my other life at all, so won't look, talk, or be part of it. Some are going to say this isn't healthy and perhaps it's not but I can't and won't force the issue. She knows it's a part of me and has compartmentalised it. Hopefully in the future perhaps things will change. But, it's her rules and I'm going to play by them.

Laurababe, I think we all think know for a GG seeing your other half in a dress is more than seeing them in clothing, it's a threat certainly to my wife in everything she's wanted. From her perspective if I don't want to transition, live as a woman, then why would I do this? Is dressing a substitute for her as she's not good enough (which is she of course). Things are quite that simple.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

What would help explain it or make at least some sense of it for a person? Or help them not feel so threatened by it? (Extra tricky when the trust has already been broken, I know)

Hi Eve, welcome- glad you found us.

Much depends on what sort of person your wife is and you don't give us much to go on, other than that her initial response was positive, and she isn't aroused by feminine energy.

She sounds fairly open minded, though not without insecurities. She obviously is going to do her best to understand you, so you have a great advantage there. She's put the ball in your court to help her understand, and you're wise to seek advice. You're probably aware by now that there is a search facility on this forum, so try to find similar threads to your own- ask a mod for advice on how to search if it isn't clear: your questions come up again and again with new members.

Making sense of it is a tricky one, since few of us can really make sense of it, we just know it feels right, that it brings comfort, and a sense of completing ourselves. Most of us are hetero. For many it's erotic, but not for all. Very few CDers go on to transition. Of those who do, most seem to say it's something they've wanted for a very long time, that they have always felt trapped in the wrong body. I don't hear you saying anything remotely like that, so it seems you are purely a crossdresser. In other words although she may find crossdressing weird, foreign to her experience and marital expectations, you're not asking her to accept any more than the crossdressing.

My own feeling is that we crossdress to compensate for childhood repression of that part of ourselves which wasn't alpha male; which wasn't acceptable to our family or peers. This site has quite a number of military or ex-military members, jocks of all types, manual workers- I'm a retired builder for example- it isn't like all crossdressers are hairdressers and fashion designers. In other words CDing isn't an indication of homosexuality. That last fact is the one most wives/SOs seem to find hardest to believe. Therefore it's important to keep her sexually fulfilled!

Rebuilding trust takes time above all else. I advise you, as others have done, to avoid overtly sexy female clothing- you don't want her to feel she's in competition with you, and less sexy clothing helps reduce her impression that this is about sex, ie 'she isn't enough for you'.

Yes she feels you breached her trust, but it isn't as if you fessed-up to seeing a hooker or having a mistress. It's also important to reassure her that the CDing stays private, so she doesn't have to worry about what family and friends might say. Damage limitation in other words.

I think you have an advantage in that you've been a CDer for a long time- some here only discover it in later life, so it's like a bolt of lightning which completely overwhelms them- pink fog, we call it. You've learned to assimilate it into your own life without mishap, so there's no reason for her to think you're suddenly going to run against Don and Hil on a LGBT ticket, or start shouting it from the rooftops.

Don't hesitate to ask us more questions- and good luck to you (both).

Hugs, Nikki

[Bonnie Chan]

Hi Eve, I've recently told my GF as well about my CDing several months ago.
For me, I think, it's easier for me as CDing makes me feel sexually excited and is some form of masturbation for me when I'm alone. So it's easier to explain to my GF as I'm clear to what my drives for CD really are.

When I told my GF, I started with that "I have a special hobby for masturbation." then I slowly let her guess on what it could be and I eventually revealed that I am a CD. By doing this, she starts from understanding that I have a fetish on something and not worrying about me being gay/transition from the beginning. I then later confirmed with her that I never have a need or desire to be a full-time woman because otherwise I would not be able to get myself sexually fulfilled. It's just that a thought of *becoming* a real woman that makes me excited, but not living as a woman. I also told her that I still love her very much nevertheless and CDing is not going to replace her sexual attraction for me.

So I think you really need to understand on what drives you to CD yourself first. You haven't told anything about your CD reasons from your post yet so I'm not sure what it is for you. If it's for sexual purpose, then I believe it's going to be easy like my situation because from girl perspective, CD for you would be comparable to masturbation that guys normally do in their private time. But if you CD for fun, then I believe it would be harder for girls to understand you and it's up to you to have to explain how fun it is and what makes you feel good doing it and so on.

In the end, I think you just have to learn yourself and think about your CD past first so that you can explain your situation to your wife clearly. Maybe you can tell stories about your CD past with your wife and ask her to evaluate together if you're not so sure yourself yet, especially that your wife is so willing to understand this together with you already. Getting perspective from other person might help your understand yourself better as well sometimes.

Best of luck,
- Bonnie

[Teresa]

AnnaMarie,
We appear to be in a similar situation, when you suggest some may say it's not healthy, it does depend how you've arrived at that point , to me it was an improvement . I accept it's a double life, and we've reached a compromise. Your last paragraph mentions the fear of dressing becoming a substitute , my wife accepts that is the case, she isn't interested in intimate contact, so she has to live with that , it is her choice not mine. She states simply that she just wants the man she married and seeing me dressed doesn't portray that.

Nikki,
I know my CDing didn't start with a repressed childhood, the traits were there from birth and a combination of events at the age of 8-9 years tied all the lose ends together, looking back it's possibly when I became bi-gender and my GD started, from that age onwards I had a gut feeling or a need that wanted satisfying .