Why I do what I do?

[Maria 60]

We are slow at work so i took Friday off and went to shut down our summer cabin for the winter. Of course I pack a bag and dressed for the ride, but I was only dressed from the waist down. What seems like a good idea at the time is usally a bad one after thinking about it a few days later, I did some stupid careless things, taking big chances and I don't know what I was trying to prove or what I got out of it.
Yesterday during our morning coffee I was thinking about Friday and just shaking my head in disbelief of what I did, my wife automatically caught on to my mood and asked me what's wrong. I have a very open communication with my wife, I could tell her anything, but this one was hard I knew she was going to be disappointed.
I bit the bullet and went for it, but it was hard, after telling her she had this didn't believe that I did that look, and she was also shaking her head in disappointment.
She didn't understand it's a 3hr. drive and there's nobody around this time of year and I could have danced in the streets in a princess gown once there, but no, I have to always push the limites, take it further, take stupid and careless chances.
I sat there with nothing to say, wondering what I was thinking on Friday, and the bigger question "what makes me do things like that", they feel so good at the time. The feeling of outside air, the breeze flowing up a skirt, the sun heating up the pantyhose on my legs, it's overwhelming.
My wife said I remind her of when she was younger and had friends who had stricked fathers that wouldn't let them go out. But when they did get out, they were the biggest out of control pigs around, and that's me. I'm very controlled by not getting to much time to dress at home, that when I do get some freedom I get out of control and do stupid things.
She said that's the part about the dressing that she hates and scares her, she hates seeing me beating myself up over things like this, and being so disappointed in myself. She wonders if there's like a second personality in me that I can't control and makes me do careless things.
Well her bottom line was, let's hope nobody seen me and to be much more careful in the future and that she is prepared for almost anything if the cat comes out of the bag, but doing things like Friday she wouldn't know how to explain somethings like that.
As hard as it was to open up to her, it felt great to have someone to talk to, and even though she was a little upset she still supported my actions.
I'm sorry I can't tell what things I did, I wasn't going to write this but I want to apologize and I'm embarrasted and disappointed with myself for not being the best crossdressing role model at this moment. I don't know why sometimes what comes over me to do what I do, almost forgetting that I have a family and not being responsible. Thanks for listening, I had to let it out.

[IleneD]

Maria.
I'm trying to find the Issue here. Did you get stopped by the cops during your "waist down" driving-while-dressed? Did anyone SEE you? Or is it just the mere fact that you DARED to be so brazen as to drive while partially dressed.

Really.... you understand your relationship the best, but I don't see the Violation here. BTW, Driving While Dressed is one of my favorite things; but then I have a convertible.
Be good. Be strong. No need for apology.

[LovelyGeek]

Good Words Ilene.
Hugs to you Maria.

[Teresa]

Maria,
I have the same thoughts as Ilene, did you intend to dress totally for the drive or annoyed with yourself because you only did a partial dress? On the other hand do you feel you let your wife and family down by daring to dress at all when driving ?

I know you're only telling us half a story and chose not to reveal it all , so it's hard to supply an answer to the problem you posted about.

I will add that years ago when I dropped the kids off at school I would sometimes be underdressed and on the five mile trip home would pull up somewhere quiet and take my trousers off and slip a skirt and heels on. My heart would be racing all the way home at the thought of something going wrong and I would be found out, it was still a nice feeling to pull in the drive and make a quick run for the the front door.

[Valery L]

Unless you killed someone or you stole the money of the day of a homeless person in your travel, I don't understand what could happen that makes you feel so bad.

[ellbee]

I'm genuinely curious to hear why you think what you did is, in your own words, "a bad idea," "stupid & careless," and "a big chance."

[Leslie Mary S]

Personally I have not as of yet gotten behind the wheel while dressed.
I have always let my support person do the driving.
I guess it was due to the reaction of a fuel station attendant's comment "We don't Deal with, nor want to deal with, customers like you, No, you can't have the key to the restroom."
I was fully dressed, Had just had a make over, and even had combed out my wig. We were returning home from a cross-dresser event.
Since then, I haven't gone anywhere in en feminine.
While I enjoy dressing, I take a few photos in my makeshift studio in my new location, I take a look at the photos and say, fair, so so, or simply 'Ugly'. (Mostly Ugly).

So if you were able to go even partially dress I applaud you for doing it.

[ReineD]

You’re asking this question because you feel there will be negative consequences if people who know you well, see you in a skirt. I won’t debate whether there are negative consequences for you or not - everyone has different life circumstances. But if there are, for example your friends thinking you might be "odd" and then choosing to keep their distance, then it is understandable that you would not want to do anything that might cause you or your wife grief down the road …for example, neighbors who might stop inviting you to their house because they don’t understand men who wear dresses. It is normal to want to be accepted in our social groups. No one likes to be an outlier.

But, not everyone feels this. As you can see from this thread, it seems that a few other members dress frequently in front of their neighbors and friends who in turn don’t bat an eye. Maybe there’s an age difference between these other members and you, or maybe they live and work in ultra progressive environments and their families are super supportive. Or maybe they hang out mostly with other LGBTQs and so they’re not concerned about what people think who aren’t in the community. And so they don’t understand your source of conflict.

Back to your question, Why I do what I do?, it seems you are finding it difficult to control your impulse to dress. By this I mean that if you had an evening organized to go to a gender support group, or going out with other CD friends to a restaurant in the next town over, I don’t think you’d feel any conflict. You would plan your evening, maybe leave your house while making sure that your neighbors are not hanging out in their front yards, and you’d enjoy an evening with friends at a place where it is unlikely you would run into the people in your daily life. It would all be under your control.

And so maybe you live your life constantly trying to balance when are the "safe" times to dress vs. the "unsafe" times. You want to dress, but you understandably don’t want selected people in your life to know, and it might have been awkward had your summer neighbors also been closing up their summer homes that day. How would you have explained getting out of your car in a skirt. But, it is the fall and you correctly assumed there wouldn’t be anyone else there. Still, the issue is causing you conflict because there’s never a way to know for sure, who will be there or not. So the conflict you are experiencing right now is a difficulty balancing a desire to wear the skirt while at the same time not wanting to be seen by the individuals you socialize with or who are your acquaintances.

And to examine your question further, why can you not control this. Why do you take chances in situations where you do not want to out yourself. The simple answer is that you feel compelled to wear that skirt, and the compulsion overrides any decision you may have made about who you do not want to be out to. A lot of people do things against their better judgment but when they continue to do them despite the possibility of suffering negative consequences, there is a problem.

As regards the crossdressing, I think that a lot of people here just eventually throw their hands up in the air and decide they will no longer care what other people think. After all, the crossdressing does not cause severe consequences like uncontrollable overeating, or gambling, or shopping, etc. There are no dire consequences to health or the bank account. So they eventually decide to go out dressed in their neighborhoods and that’s that. They give into it. Maybe they are single. Maybe they don’t spend a lot of time socializing with people outside of LGBTQ circles. Maybe they are loners or don’t have active social lives with people not in the LGBTQ community. Or as mentioned previously, maybe they live in charmed areas where everyone they know accepts the crossdressing and wearing dresses and skits while out with friends and family has not affected any relationships.

But if you are uncomfortable with your conflict, the follow-up question is, how can you control the dressing in order to no longer chance outing yourself to people you do not want to out yourself to. I don’t know the answer. One solution is to talk to someone about this, who will help you decide what are your priorities and perhaps offer suggestions on how to control this. Another solution is to decide that dressing up is most important in your life and you will no longer care if your friends and acquaintances see you, despite the consequences ... but then you would need to rework a new understanding with your wife. She may be on board with coming out to everyone, or she may not be.

Good luck with your decision.

[Lana Mae]

Maria, you give us little info. So, I agree with Valery, murder, robbery, rape, or ??! Hugs Lana Mae

[Maria 60]

I know it's hard for everyone to read or make a comment without knowing the extent of my actions. Let's say I got out of my car and walked around highway stops or parks and was pretty far away from my car. There was a highway overpass that a lot of cars drive by and I dont know way but I was walking over it and not even paying attention to the cars driving next to me on the bridge. If I was fully dressed and maybe tried to pass, but I wasn't, I was a man walking with a short and maybe unipropreate skirt and heels with no wig, no make up and wearing a leather jacket and it seemed like I didn't care who seen me. There was more but all of the same contents, me getting out of my car and walking far away from it. What was I thinking. I lost all control and forgot I'm a closet dresser and could have embarrassed myself and my family.