how to tell your parents u crossdress?

[cd mark]

I've tried so hard tell them but I never get enough courage I'm just scared that I won't be excepted and I crushes me when I think about it. :thumbsdn::sad:

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I'm so so sorry the title is supost to say how do you tell your parents I'm so so sorry please forgive me

[MzAlexis]

Well first ~ Do you Need to? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but sometimes we want to do what we feel is "Right" or feeling like we are living a "Lie" etc. when the truth is it really depends on your unique situation. Sometimes we can do more damage to both the other party and our self sharing something that is deeply personal than any good that can come out of it. If you think it will permanently damage your relationship with them then it might not be a good Idea to share, and if you think that only one parent will accept and you only tell them then it may be a burden to the one that you tell if they can't tell their significant other. Deep down you may already know the answers to these questions but it is a lot to consider. Now if you know that you are going to transition then you really don't have a choice but then timing is a big issue too. Also just remember that the only person who has to accept you really is You... and that your accepting yourself shouldn't hinge on anyone else accepting you. Just my opinion.

I did tell my father after I had come out to myself for a while (my mother had already passed by then) and it was interesting to say the least. He accepted me and understood and then proceeded to tell me that he was a CD as well! (boy was I shocked) He had been for years and he and my Mom came to terms with it and had even gone to Tri S? meetings etc. Of course that is almost stranger than fiction but true none the less. (and because someone will read this and ask - No we have never seen each other dressed etc.), I am also out to the rest of my immediate family and a few close friends, my kids included which was harder than coming out to my Sister and Dad, and it was a non-issue, but then I have raised them not to be judgmental and I'm glad that they aren't and they view me no different because of it.

[Rhonda Jean]

Not knowing how old you are but regardless, I see no reason to ever tell your parents. Maybe you'd have those rare parents that would indulge your every wish. But, even if that were the case there are other ways to get around it besides just blurting out that you crossdress. If you're living at home, tell them you want to wear your hair long or get your ears pierced and see how that goes. If you have the freedom to choose your own clothes, choose things that are a little more feminine than you might have previously.

If you're on your own, you can do as you please anyway. You don't need their permission to do those things.

[cd mark]

Not knowing how old you are but regardless I'm 18 but still live with my parents

[Lana Mae]

I agree with Rhonda! Test the waters first, grow your hair longer, possibly get your ears pierced! Listen to their opinions of these things and see where you stand before blurting it out!! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[suzanne]

Lana makes excellent sense. Longer hair or pierced ears are pretty common for both men and women these days. I would suggest you just go ahead and do it, rather than ask for opinions beforehand.

[Jenniferathome]

Why do they need to know?

[dolovewell]

I'm 18 but still live with my parents

If you still live with your parents how will you be able to support your crossdressing? It's not a cheap lifestyle.

[Lily Catherine]

Certain parts of the world, including mine, it's very common to live with one's parents till marriage. In this kind of situation they're best off knowing - it's worse for them to catch you offguard.

[AlyssaJ]

Why do they need to know?

Perhaps it's Mark who needs them to know. Hiding secrets like this from the most important people in your life is very exhausting, can make us feel alone and depressed. Coming out to someone we love can afford us the opportunity to finally speak somewhat openly about a subject that's been unspeakable for a long time.

Mark, am I getting close?

[cd mark]

mark, am I getting close?. Yeah accually

[Hazel King]

Mark your mum is your best friend, why not ask her about how you feel, not just blurt out "I want to wear woman's clothes" She will probably have answers, I now wish I hade been able to talk to my Mother. I can only guess what might have been the case, she did talk to my wife, but not to me.
.

Hazelxx

[Wendy me]

Lol listen cupcake your mom probably knows already my mom knew never said a word until years latter after years latter I hav marryed and had grown kids she asked me ... Do you still get dressed up as a girl ? Shocked she knew but was ok with it .. I said yes ... Yar your mom knows....

[MzAlexis]

Sometimes that is true... but it also depends on how Sneaky you Are! Lot's of things my parent's never knew, and a few that they did.

[Tracy Irving]

Many times I have found women's clothing on the racks at thrift stores. If the clothing you find to wear is close to gender neutral you should have no problem. You just "found" it in the men's section, tried it on and liked it. If you would like to dress beyond that honesty is the best policy. You live in their house and by their rules but you are also an adult and should be able to wear what you want. If this is something you truly desire then a frank conversation is a good idea. Do you want to cross dress all the time or once in a while? Only you know how accepting your parents would be to a wardrobe modification.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Mark, thanks for confiding in us, you are among friends.

What you're experiencing can be just as threatening to a person in their 70s as to a teenager. I'm mid-50s, not out to my mom, nor do I ever expect to be- my dad's dead but there isn't a chance I'd have ever told him - I just don't need that kind of disapproval.

I don't know if you have Netflix, but I watched a wonderful film on exactly this subject a few nights ago- it's called Viva.

From your later posts in this thread, it seems that it's very important to you to include them in your world, so I won't try to argue with you, but perhaps you should consider talking with others before taking the plunge? It's great that you're here, but it's far more freeing to talk in person than to a screen, however FABULOUS the members here might be... ahem.

Good luck to you and please let us know how it's going, whatever you decide.

Hugs, Nikki

[Lily Catherine]

Hi Mark,

"Mother's Intuition" is real. I think your parents are likely to know, doubly so if you've worn your mum's clothes before. I don't think it's right to remain sneaky and deny them knowledge, even if DADT is the less-than-ideal alternative.

It's extremely good that you've taken the initiative to speak to them; I chickened out of it for quite long because I knew it wouldn't be accepted, I would need to deny this part of myself. (For the record, I had a devout religious upbringing and am still religious). It's visible to me that this issue is something close to your heart, and thus you want those closest to you - your parents - to hear you out. They deserve to.

I've learnt the hard way that it's best to talk to them about it, and it's best for you to initiate talking to them early. Be upfront and honest; it's not in the best interests of yourself or your parents for you to hide it. Regardless of what kind of answer they give, the important thing is them having answers, and you at least letting them know. It isn't right to hide. Even though my parents don't want to see me crossdressed in front of them, it was an utmost relief to me that they knew: I told my father (in tears), and was later outed by my mother (causing me to break down), leading to my first major purge. I'm still on good terms; my parents have forgiven me, and I still take care of them nonetheless.

I suppose the best way would be to tell them in private that you enjoy crossdressing and perhaps whatever little you know of your motivations to crossdress. Let them know why this is an integral part of you - or at least something that you hold dearly. It doesn't have to be a definite answer, but tell them when you're ready. I advise you against procrastinating it, in fact.

[Periwinkle]

I didn't really tell my parents verbally. I've been crossdressing ever since I was a kid. It was totally normal for me and my mom never questioned it. My stepdad had some concerns, and for a while he didn't understand it. He thought that because I dressed and acted feminine, it meant I wanted to be a girl. Why would a boy ever want to wear a dress? It really confused him. A couple years and several explanations later, and he understands that it's just part of who I am.

[mykell]

hey mark,
lots of good posts, i will give you another perspective.....my mom and dad have passed on....when mom died we had the duty to clean out her apartment....sucked....my wife found some paperwork and a guide book....A HANDBOOK FOR TRANSSEXUALS....it detailed the course one would need to begin theyre transition....relevance, Mom was a nurse, she was this persons caregiver, had her notes for care, directions to the home, she was in the state caring for this women while i was wrestling with the notion that this was my fate, all while living a few towns over, i was told she died when young.....divorce and adult conveniences were used on us.

so its a personal decision for your reasons, why do they need to know, why dont they need to know, only you know for sure.....i go to pflag meetings, last spring we had a tough and tumble father show up with his "son" which he spoke of in a kind of un-accepting way, when i returned in the fall he was an ardent supporter of his "son" and when folks asked about his daughter his reply was "i have a son" complete 180, so maybe attend a meeting in your area and find some local resources and familiarize yourself with whats available for you should you persevere with the disclosure, you sound like your a youngster so take your time, do some research, formulate a backup plan, prepare for the worst case and hope for the best outcome, but the most important thing, do for you and do it your way.

this is a link to the national p-flag group, my local chapter is wonderful, its mixed, trans, family, friends and its comfortable.....hope this helped....

[Pat]

You must know your parents by now. Have they been uniformly supportive and accepting during your life to date? If so, why would you expect them to change? If not, why would you expect them to change? Work from there.

[cd mark]

Lol listen cupcake your mom probably knows already my mom knew never said a word until years latter after years latter I hav marryed and had grown kids she asked me ... Do you still get dressed up as a girl ? Shocked she knew but was ok with it .. I said yes ... Yar your mom knows.... I don't think so ,if she did she would say my mother is quite she never goes round thing like this

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You must know your parents by now. Have they been uniformly supportive and accepting during your life to date? If so, why would you expect them to change? If not, why would you expect them to change? Work from there.

Okay but theve been making references to that subject but most of the time its a joke.

[Curiouser&Curiouser]

I think Lisa is right on - something the current generation of young people is doing is searching for more authenticity in their lives - breaking down the walls our society and culture creates for us. This creates a need for honesty with ourselves and those that we care about.

Mark, if you need to tell them, then make sure you express that need. That can be the most disarming thing you can do. If you know it will be uncomfortable for them, acknowledge that. If you are trying to be authentic with them out of a need for intimacy and love for them, tell them.

Beating around the bush may or may not be less traumatic, and could take a very long time.

Good luck Mark, I believe you'll make the right choice!

- Sandra

[Vickie_CDTV]

I was in this exact same situation, albeit 20 years ago.

First, I would think carefully before telling. You can't un-tell. Second, I would have to factor in your home situation. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Are they well adjusted people? Are you in a hostile living situation? If they are good, level headed people that love you, it might be ok to tell. It is hostile, I would probably not tell.

I told my parents mostly because they were very nosy with no respect for my privacy and I assumed had discovered me already, or at least it would have been a preemptive strike in case they found out later. It was a hostile situation (with my father) and I would have never told my father otherwise. It was mostly a don't ask don't tell situation. I made the mistake of leaving one of my wigs out in plain view, which is took and destroyed. Had I openly dressed, I am sure I would have been homeless.

If you decide to tell, have some good, quality information to give them pertaining to your situation. If you are a hetero crossdresser, you might have one of the books we recommended for wives of dressers; obviously that isn't your situation per se, but it would help try and assure them you are not TS and not gay etc.

[JenniferMBlack]

Okay but theve been making references to that subject but most of the time its a joke.

Thays what I thought my parents were doing for many years joking about me wearing a dress for this or that. Of course being deathly scared it might seam like I wanted to wear a dress I laughed it off. Trunes out thew knew and was waiting for me to make my move when I was ready.
Long story short I didn't until mom had passed and although dad knows and dosen't really care for it or understand it. He says if it makes me happy and isn't illegal or harming others then do it.
They may already know they may not I don't know, but if it something you feel you need to tell them then you should. As far as how I wrote my father a letter but I was living 3000 or so miles away at the time.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Why do they need to know?

Personally, I think the people one lives with need to know, at least for logistics reasons.


Hiding secrets like this from the most important people in your life is very exhausting, can make us feel alone and depressed. Coming out to someone we love can afford us the opportunity to finally speak somewhat openly about a subject that's been unspeakable for a long time.

am I getting close?

That's exactly why I told my immediate family back in 93. It was one of the best and smartest things I've ever done.


I think Lisa is right on - something the current generation of young people is doing is searching for more authenticity in their lives - breaking down the walls our society and culture creates for us. This creates a need for honesty with ourselves and those that we care about.

Even some of us older folks feel that way, though I was relatively young (26) when I came out to my family. I identified as a "transgender identified" CD at that time, by the way.


Mark, if you need to tell them, then make sure you express that need. That can be the most disarming thing you can do. If you know it will be uncomfortable for them, acknowledge that. If you are trying to be authentic with them out of a need for intimacy and love for them, tell them.

Exactly this.

One other thing, my Mother and sister stated their disappointment when I told them. Disappointment that I didn't trust in their love for me and told them sooner. They said they didn't know, I had a hard time believing that, thinking they'd noticed things, but they said no. All of that OCD/paranoia I had when I was young about putting things back in EXACTLY the same position/folds/buttons buttoned or unbuttoned. My sister has said she thought I was keeping "something" bottled up, but had no idea what.

Veronica

[Rachelakld]

My parents & family (sister, brother-in-law, neice, nephew)- "And that's part of what makes you special to us"
BTW - mums generally can tell, especially when they wash your clothes in your kit bag when on leave at the age of 19.
Mum "whos bra and undies" me "mine", mum "well I've washed & folded them for you", me "thanks".

Have your parents ever let you down? if not then let them know and find freedom.
If your parents are painful, anti-everything different, then I wouldn't advise telling them

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Mark, are you saying they joke about trans stuff in general, or that they joke about your behaviour or maybe body language? Do you get the feeling they are joking about you, even slightly? If you think they are, then it seems possible they already suspect you of being 'different'.

[cd mark]

Mark, are you saying they joke about trans stuff in general, or that they joke about your behaviour or maybe body language? Do you get the feeling they are joking about you, even slightly? If you think they are, then it seems possible they already suspect you of being 'different'.

Most of the time its about me e.g. my father calls me daughter instead of son

[Adriana Moretti]

hey girl, i gotta agree with alot of the posts here. Do they need to know right now? And of coarse the "mothers intuition" ...at 18 and still living home, if it was me...id hold off...what are you really gaining ? your young....have plenty of years ahead of you. My mother does not know ( i dont think) and I am currently live back at home ( i sneak around alot ) but let me explain my situation because I will be coming OUT to mom very soon.

I live at home, hardly work, i have a weekend job as a DJ and I am currently seeking full time employment. While I am staying back home, AND living rent free I decided maybe it is not a good idea to tell her. As another gal has stated this lifestyle is expensive, and one of my reasons for not telling her is because I dont want to cause issues when the fed ex man shows up with my new shoes, but deeper than that, its just not the right time. I need to be independent again.

Right now I am currently looking for a full time job, and will be going on a second interview this tuesday at Sephora. I have been going on job interviews as Adriana, because once I get a full time job , I will be full time too, I am out to everyone BUT mom, and I wont have that conversation until I land a job and I am secure.

I spoke to my sister ( lesbian) just last night about this ( she knows) and asked her what she thought about me telling her and wanted to know how mom reacted when she told her she was gay. My biggest concern was getting kicked out of the house, my sis said that prob wont happen, and she would be cool with it, especially since she has been seeing all the effort you are putting into to find a job. I just really wanted to get a read on what she thought my moms reaction would be because as of Tuesday, I may be working for Sephora, and I'm going to HAVE to tell her, because I will be working AS Adriana.

My point is I am waiting till ALL my ducks are in a row to finally let the last person in the world who does not know....FINALLY know xoxo

Side note**** If you NEED to tell SOMEONE why not start with a gal pal ? Start off small

[ciel64]

well here's what I did:

So I was going down stairs to put my tights and underwear in the wash, and as my mum walks past she's sort of eyeing what i'm carrying suspiciously, so basically what I do is as I'm walking up the staircase I say "oh and I like to wear women's clothing sometimes, don't tell anyone." "I won't" she replied, and yeah. Just thinking of that makes me feel embarrassed tbh.

Just in case your thinking of trying the same thing you should know it wasn't premeditated or anything, I wouldn't have said anything if she hadn't noticed what I was doing.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Most of the time its about me e.g. my father calls me daughter instead of son

Wow. But he may just be implying he thinks you're gay, rather than a crossdresser. Hard to know.

It doesn't seem like they're going to be much surprised by anything you tell them. Even so, full confirmation may not be easy for one or both of them to deal with. Can you handle that?

[CONSUELO]

As a young boy I was twice caught dressing up in my sister's slips. Once by my sister who told my Mother and once by my Mother.
Many years later after I had divorced my Mother said to me "you shouldn't get married". I think she knew and understood a lot. Sadly I didn't ask her why she thought that. Perhaps it would have led to a very deep and interesting conversation that would have educated me.

So don't underestimate what a mother knows about you. After all they have seen you go through your entire development and when you were very young you would have been displaying all sorts of clues about yourself and what you would be in later life. We live under the illusion that we have private lives completely hidden from the rest of the World when in truth we are more transparent than we believe.

[cd mark]

As a young boy I was twice caught dressing up in my sister's slips. Once by my sister who told my Mother and once by my Mother.
Many years later after I had divorced my Mother said to me "you shouldn't get marr.
ied". I think she knew and understood a lot. Sadly I didn't ask her why she thought that. Perhaps it would have led to a very deep and interesting conversation that would have educated me.

So don't underestimate what a mother knows about you. After all they have seen you go through your entire development and when you were very young you would have been displaying all sorts of clues about yourself and what you would be in later life. We live under the illusion that we have private lives completely hidden from the rest of the World when in truth we are more transparent than we believe.
Mabye I don't know if am that transparnt

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Mabye I don't know if am that transparnt

Well your dad doesn't seem to have much doubt!

[Lucy23]

Hi Mark, what caught my eye reading through the thread was a little something in your answers I can't really find a word for. Certain sadness, maybe? I may be completely off, and if so, please disregard anything that follows. I would like to ask whether you are accepting of this part of yourself. As in, to put it bluntly, comfortable to admit to you that you crossdress and be happy inside?

My reasoning goes that it somehow reminded me of the time when I was ashamed of who I was I wouldn't talk much. Finding this acceptance in yourself may make your coming out to your parents just a little easier.

[IleneD]

I retired from 30 yrs of Navy service a few years back. The year before I retired I was lunching with my Mom, talking about me, my career, my life and what I'd done (flying jets). Almost out of nowhere she said, "I am so glad the way you turned out."

It took a while for that to sink in. Obviously she and Dad expected some other outcome, and I "got it".
As a kid, I was always a sissy through and through. Small (until a late growth spurt), weak, timid. From the earliest memories I played in Mom's clothing, makeup and jewelry never knowing if anyone else knew. I'm certain she and Dad feared I was going to grow up gay. I guess I never put it all together, but she did.

Mom knew I was (and still am in many ways), a "sissy". I have a femme side. I like girly things. Upon further reflection and finally "coming out to myself", I realized that despite my best efforts I was and am a Big F-A-G (no insult intended, please; a self assigned term of endearment), and crossdress with joy. But my Mother knew for almost 60 years and never told me.

[ImJessicaNow]

I told my parents, sisters, and girl friend after a anxiety attack that nearly killed me. I was holding onto so much stress in my life and crssdressing helped more than anything (including meds) but it also ended up causing a lot of stress.

Telling them was the hardest thing ever, and I dont think it was worth it. I was really hoping they would love me for who I am and maybe support me, but it turned into a massive dont ask, dont tell situation. I now know crossdressing it much like a relgious belife, it helps our soal, we all wish we could share such happiness with everyone, but often it backfires.

With all that being said, I told a few close female freinds and the results have been amazing. I am so much closer with them and we get to joke about girl things like sizing, and our love of shoes, and I tell them how I respect them so much more for what they go through. I recommend finding a good friend to share with and have some laughs and maybe get in on the sisterhood of the traveling pants. I've gone shopping with these girl friends of mine and it has been the best thing ever.

[TracyUK]

Its a long time ago now, but I never told my parents even so I am certain that my mother knew. I had always thought this although nothing was ever said even after I came home and went to my room only to find my stash washed pressed and neatly folded on my bed, when I went back downstairs all I got was a knowing look from her.
I was sixteen at the time and fifty nine when she passed away.