Am I faking it?

[AnnieMac]

Hello girlfriends here. I think maybe you need to talk me off the crossdressing ledge. Since I'm in the closet and do most of my dressing at home, except for the few usual late evening sneak-outs in the car and a few strolls around almost empty shopping areas that we all probably started with, I am lately feeling like I am only playing dress-up, and not as committed to "real" crossdressing as some of you might be here.
By that I mean, I am working on my appearance, and clothes and such to present in public more (which I am enjoying), yet I feel like perhaps I am not capable or have it in me emotionally of really interacting with the public as a female, or for that matter as an obvious "transgender" guy dressed as a female. I read some of those stories here of girls interacting with the public and I think" Gee, I don't think I could ever do that". It's like I know that female is within there somewhere inside me, but I wonder if she will ever interact in public. Maybe going to one of those CD events might help, I dunno. Anyway, at times it makes me think I am only a fetish dresser, not more of transgender CD, and that actually makes me a little sad. (I don't even like most of the fetish style clothes, I prefer regular women fashions). Any of Y'all feel this way? It brings me down sometimes - thx and love -Annie.

[dolovewell]

Don't force yourself out of your comfort zone or to do something you don't feel comfortable doing. There is no "real" way to crossdress or no "right or wrong". Do what makes you feel good. Forcing yourself out of your comfort zone can work, kind of like someone afraid to go on a roller coaster, but goes on it anyway and it turns out, it wasn't so bad. At the same time, it can also backfire, and turn out worse than expected.

This past Saturday I was dressed up and wanted to go into an Old Navy, but it was about 4pm on a Saturday and the place was so packed the parking lot was full. I suppose I could have gone in, but the place was jam packed with teenage girls, and anyone who has been out in public can tell you teenage girls are probably the most risky demographic to put yourself infront of. I decided, it wasn't worth it, it would have been outside of my comfort zone. I wasn't going to force it. I'll just go into an Old Navy dressed another time when its not so busy.

[JanePeterson]

Whats holding you back? Is it just fear? Does it not feel right to you? Why do you want to interact with the world as female anyway, just curiosity? or does it feel more fundamental? I'm just trying to better understand your motivations. The first time I went out in public presenting female, it changed my life... not because it was thrilling, but because it ended up just feeling normal... it just felt more natural than anything else id ever done.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Annie,

Dressing is a different experience for each of us. They is no threshold that you at required to meet and you will not be asked to turn in your cross dresser 's card because you choose not to do something you weren't comfortable with. Do what you enjoy doing and don't stress yourself if you don't feel comfortable doing something.

Elizabeth

[Meghan4now]

Annie,

The rest of us got together, and they've asked me to meet you in person to cut up your crossdressing card and cancel your account for inactivity!

Don't worry about it, you do what you gotta do. If you would like to have a one on one discussion, let me know. No pressure, no expectations, low risk.

[CONSUELO]

Annie,
You are beating yourself up over nothing. You are an authentic cross dresser and how you decide to present and where is completely up to you. I think you are getting worried about something that is not important.

[Jenniferathome]

Annie, I don't consider myself "transgender." I'm just a normal old cross dresser. I started going out because staying at home made me feel trapped. Why go to all this work to sit at home? My wife said the same thing to me. Going out is freeing.

[AlyssaJ]

Annie, you shouldn't feel pressure from anyone but yourself. This is not a competition and there is no such thing as being a fake crossdresser. For some, the ability to dress alone in the comfort and safety of their own home is enough. For others, there is a burning desire to go out and be open to the world. For me personally, as a gender fluid individual, the need to go out into the world dressed as I choose is a matter of self realization and achieving the freedom of no longer having to bury deep inside the person that I truly am. I suspect for crossdressers who have that desire to go out it's a similar feeling.

So don't be ashamed or feel you're not committed enough if you choose not to go out. You need to do what you're comfortable with and what you feel you need in order to be happy. Most here would never dream of pressuring you to go out when you're not ready (although there are a few exceptions), so don't feel like you have to match or one-up their stories with your own experiences. Be true to yourself, do what's right for your situation and just enjoy being the best you that you can be.

[AnnieMac]

Thanks for those comment so far "fellow" girls :) Crossdressing card- that's pretty funny - maybe they should sell those here and donate the funds to women's shelters or something.
Well, I'm not beating myself up too badly about it, but it does bring me down once and a while. I guess my fear is like many early on who have venture out, fear of publicly being made fun of (which actually did happen to me once when someone from a passing car yelled out to me,"OMG. that is a man! - I didn't like it much), or maybe my worse fear is being publicly thought of as some kind of pervert, which crossdressers rarely are, but perhaps the public thinks so. Why do I want to interact with the world as a female? - Well, I guess perhaps, yes it is mostly curiosity, but there is something fundamental in my nature about it too. Not sure it will ever totally feel normal, but I think I would like to get to a point where it would feel good, and I would be comfortable doing it, regardless of any reaction by anyone. I guess another question I have to ask myself, is if someone does react to me in a negative way, what would (or should) my reaction back be.

[mykell]

Don't force yourself out of your comfort zone or to do something you don't feel comfortable doing. There is no "real" way to crossdress or no "right or wrong". Do what makes you feel good. Forcing yourself out of your comfort zone can work, kind of like someone afraid to go on a roller coaster, but goes on it anyway and it turns out, it wasn't so bad. At the same time, it can also backfire, and turn out worse than expected.
......................................
life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get, my first time to a support meeting i went as male me....like i was casing the joint, the next time i went dressed, lots of surprised folks, now i have many friends there and have even started my own group, so to reiterate their is no right or wrong way to do it, and if your doing it your not faking it......so get some crazy glue and those pieces of your card meghan cut up and do what your comfortable doing.....

[jennifer0918]

Thanks for those comment so far "fellow" girls :) Crossdressing card- that's pretty funny - maybe they should sell those here and donate the funds to women's shelters or something.
Well, I'm not beating myself up too badly about it, but it does bring me down once and a while. I guess my fear is like many early on who have venture out, fear of publicly being made fun of (which actually did happen to me once when someone from a passing car yelled out to me,"OMG. that is a man! - I didn't like it much), or maybe my worse fear is being publicly thought of as some kind of pervert, which crossdressers rarely are, but perhaps the public thinks so. Why do I want to interact with the world as a female? - Well, I guess perhaps, yes it is mostly curiosity, but there is something fundamental in my nature about it too. Not sure it will ever totally feel normal, but I think I would like to get to a point where it would feel good, and I would be comfortable doing it, regardless of any reaction by anyone. I guess another question I have to ask myself, is if someone does react to me in a negative way, what would (or should) my reaction back be.
Annie the public is going to think whatever they want yes when I'm out en femme people will talk make rude comments but to me it's only words and I let them slide off me,but hey if they put hands on me it's a different story ,then it's on heels or no heels we going to box .But with all that said my experiences have been good I try to stay way from the more conservative part of my city and go out more in libral side of town with no problems. HAVE fun,YOU LIVE

[Jenniferathome]

... Why do I want to interact with the world as a female? - Well, I guess perhaps, yes it is mostly curiosity, but there is something fundamental in my nature about it too. Not sure it will ever totally feel normal, but I think I would like to get to a point where it would feel good, and I would be comfortable doing it, ....

Annie, it DOES come to feel "normal." It's really an amazing thing. And, by feeling normal and interacting with the normals, you become an ambassador and educate those with whom you interact.

[Tracii G]

More liberal side of town? That makes no sense Jennifer0918.
Annie don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. If it doesn't feel right then don't do it.
Its not a competition at all its just some are farther along than others.
Sounds like you need to look inward and try to figure out what your CD needs are.
Late nights walking around empty shopping areas is not a good thing so please think twice about that.
Once you get comfy with yourself going out and dealing with the public will not be a problem.
If you are confident in your appearance and presentation it will show and people will see that and think better of you.
Jenniferathome is right on the money.

[softer side]

You might be trying to hard to identify yourself with a label. By that I mean 'if I am this, then I am expected to conduct myself this way'.
I don't pass; I don't try to pass, I wear what I want and present myself as me and that is what gives me peace. Once I realized what made me feel good, interaction came easy.
Fetish dressing (transvestic fetishism) has nothing to do with the style you wear and more to do with purpose for dressing, arousal from dressing (keeping the definition very simple). Others might dress because it is who they are and feel like imposters dressed any other way. Most of us are somewhere in that spectrum and struggle with not fitting into textbook definitions.
What part of dressing do you do well and really enjoy? For example; if you really enjoy makeup, it doesn't mean you have to apply it like you're in a Broadway musical. You may be completely fulfilled incorporating into your everyday life using subtle techniques and tones. On the other hand, if a pink tutu best exemplifies the inner you, comfortable public interactions may be a little harder to obtain!
The point being, tap into what you do well and what you enjoy most. When you are comfortable with yourself, interactions will come easy and you'll start experimenting with your look.

[sara66]

There are no rules to crossdressing. Everyone has a different level of dressing. For some it is just an underwear fetish, to others it is a expression of their inner self (this is where I fall). to others it is a lifestyle with full participation. I have only been out a couple of times, but after the terror subsided it was a blast. Close up I will never pass but I try to worry about it. And Jennifer is right, going out beats hanging out at home. After all it is a lot of work to spend an hour or two dressed up, alone at home.
ps all the clothes I own are main stream women's wear.
Sara :hugs:

[ellbee]

Listen: CD'ing is a highly-competitive sport. Some girls train their whole lives for this stuff, and fight through all the blood, sweat & tears, sacrificing for the common good. It's brutal out there.

Who is the prettiest / most convincing? Who owns the most shoes? Who does the most brazen stuff while en femme?

If you can't put on your big-girl panties & toughen up, and if you can't stand the heat, then you better take off your pink frilly apron & get out of that kitchen, sister. Because you're just getting in the way of the "real" girls, here!


Of course, I kid. :D


Do whatever you like to do & wear. It's not a competition. Not everyone has to do everything. There are some things here that I read about, and I'm like, "yeah, all set with that, thanks," LOL. Likewise, I'm sure there's a thing or three that I do / have done, that some others have no interest in and/or think I'm crazy.

I don't particularly have a "bucket list," I don't have any need or desire to try certain things. I just do whatever it is I want to do. But that said, I feel it's important to actually keep an open mind & *do* step out of your comfort zone every now & then. Certainly nothing extreme, but yeah, doing certain things you normally wouldn't do definitely builds character & can really open up your world. If you liked it, great, go wild. And if you didn't, hey, you tried it, and no one says you have to keep doing it.


Oh, and there's nothing wrong with being in the closet, either. Many are. That's fine. I was once, too, for a long time. But it got to the point where it was like, this is stupid & boring, I need to get out & interact. And so, I did. Did I immediately get all dolled-up & head to a hetero club on a Saturday night, start flirting with all the boys, hop on the dance floor to shake my booty, and when Mother Nature called, I used the women's restroom? Heck, no! I went thru a freakin' fast-food drive-thru, LOL... And it was pretty terrifying. But I still did it anyway. It was just one building block I used as a stepping stone, which *eventually* led me to the above (actually, I don't dance in public -- nor do I particularly flirt... much ;) ).

They're called baby-steps. Many prefer to use them, though a few will simply instead rip that band-aid off in one swift motion.

But if one is cool with staying at home & doing your thing in private or whatever, then by all means, keep doing that. Ain't nothing wrong with that. :)

[suzanne]

Like anyone else in this forum, you are unique. You have your own way of being and dressing and you are beautiful just as you are. In time, your style may evolve, and you'll be beautiful then as well.

Most of our misgivings are baggage from our upbringing, which I am convinced was wrong and we must continue to fight the hate, both from within and without. Do not give in to the categorization. Just be yourself. If you are comfortable going into a dress shop, then do it. If not, then try again next time. Just don't let the haters win.

[Heisthebride]

Three words - You be you

[Dana44]

Annie, wow I know what you are saying. But when we go out for example I feel confidant and if I am read and someone says something, you may not want to answer or think on your feet of a good answer. but a good attitude can disarm a jerk. But go where it is safer like stores, movies, dinner at good restaurants, normal running routines. You should be alright and we have a few threads of us out there as a non-binary with no problems. So if you are a woman then you should be comfortable to run around. You are a CD with traditional values and that is not a fetish.

[docrobbysherry]

Annie, there r more closet dressers than ones out in public. I am one of those, because I feel so safe, free, and uninhibited at home. :)

While I do go out a lot dressed, I'm never as comfortable as in private. Even when I'm out with my dear T friends. Which, except for Halloween, is the only reason I go out dressed!

I often feel as u do. That I'm just a CD and not trans at all. But, if "transness" is on a sliding scale? So is EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in life!:thumbsup:

[Tina81]

Annie,
I understand your feelings. I have the same feelings about what others would think.

[Curiouser&Curiouser]

...I feel it's important to actually keep an open mind & *do* step out of your comfort zone every now & then. Certainly nothing extreme, but yeah, doing certain things you normally wouldn't do definitely builds character & can really open up your world.

I love this, Laura!

This is my favorite advice for any and everyone, no matter what. You can have a favorite meal, but try something new once in a while. Favorite shirt? Sure, but throw in some color now and then. Comfy at home? Wonderful, just mix it up on occasion. Know yourself, then stretch yourself.

Also, surprised no one's used the cliche yet: fake it til you make it!

- Sandra

[Teresa]

AnnieMac,
The only way top find out is find a social group and give it a go, most will accept visiting in drab to see how you feel about meeting other members of the TG community.
To me it's finally given me a balance to my CDing needs, it's also good to have so many wives and partners attend, I probably spend as much time talking to them, I know that is satisfying my bi-gender feelings to a certain extent. Once a month for me isn't enough, I really don't give it a thought that I might come over as a guy dressed as a female because I'm finally being allowed to show my female side whatever it comes over as. I try and go out to the meetings as I think a GG would in the same circumstances, it 's great to get nice compliments after the thought and effort I've put into the outfits considering it's done on a very tight budget.

Sherry,
If you check out my thread about being out or in you'll find from counting up the replies there are far more of us out than in. Only about 6 said they were totally happy being in the rest wanted to be out or were out.

[Rachael Leigh]

Annie while going out can validate you at times especially when you interact I've found after a few times it just became
routine for me, I mean in guy mode I talk with the SA or whomever so just because I'm in girl mode why should that change. As Jennifer says the normals are in general very friendly and most just take girls like us in stride.
Going out in public is your choice as a CD don't feel it's a must for you.
I know once I did do it it was liberating and felt like the right thing for me but we are all different
Leigh

[Adriana Moretti]

Maybe going to one of those CD events might help, I dunno. .

Yes...try this....for lots of reasons

you will realize you are not alone and make friends, you will also learn alot from others like you, they will inspire you, there is sooo much....I started out by going to CD functions, where I met people, at those events I was invited to (pre-game) at a local resturant bar ( my first venture into vanilla world) since I was with an experienced group of gals, I felt comfortable. It was there I realized nobody cared, said a word, or showed any disrespect, But the point is I learned and grew from there, and little by little I had the confidence and experience to go anywhere, even a dive sports bar in Boston with a New Yawk accent LOL....
Since you are in the midwest I would recommend setting a goal of putting some ( me time) together for yourself, and setting a goal of attending one of Samantha Rogers weekend T.G Invasions in Detroit.She throws them like clockwork every 3 or 4 months. Travel outside your comfort zone where you can express your true gender, meet people, etc etc..These type of events are life changing for alot of people. I took the 10 hour drive to one of those events last summer, it was a blast !! Point is attending these is a good step in the right direction on so many levels, networking, confidence,friendships, etc....If not try the Raven events in PA...gals from the midwest attend those too...in fact last one I was at some of the gals from Detroit attended.

[dolovewell]

try to stay way from the more conservative part of my city and go out more in libral side of town with no problems. HAVE fun,YOU LIVE

This is just not true. You get treated the same and have the same risks regardless of the political attitudes of the area. My worst ever experience happened in Madison WI which is one of the most liberal cities in the country. Meanwhile when dressing in Collin County, TX one of the most conservative counties in the country I had zero problems.

[Shely]

Am I faking it? Ain't we all faking it? do what ever makes you the most happy. I all most never leave the house dressed and i doubt i ever will go shopping with my SO by my side. Although that sounds really peachy. Enjoy the feelings and looks, that's my motto.

[Stephanie47]

You do what makes you comfortable. I believe each of us has her own needs based upon what compels the person to do what she does. I don't have a clue as to why I like to wear women's clothing. I have some thoughts on the subject, but, those thoughts are just conjecture and not backed up by any scientific evidence. So, I like to wear women's clothing. I am satisfied wearing women's clothing in the privacy of my home and backyard. I dress for the serenity it brings me. Others feel the pull to engage with others on different levels. I have gone out for evening car drives and strolls. I do enjoy the cool breeze caressing my thighs and playing with the skirt of my dress and slip. But, in the end it is a boring stroll. I did it. But, it did not accomplish anything. I read the exploits of Jennifer sipping a drink in a bar or others dining out. I wouldn't do that because it is out of my comfort zone and does not fulfill any inner need. I would not go to a military model exposition at the Museum of Flight en femme because it serves no inner fulfillment. I wish I would have the opportunity to socialize at least once with other men who enjoy wearing women's clothing....at least I think so. But, would there be anything more than a commonality of wearing women's clothing. Is that sufficient? At some point in time I think it just comes down to pulling an outfit out of the closest, whether it is pants and slacks or a dress and heels.

Satisfy your inner needs whatever they may be.

[Lana Mae]

Actually, we are all faking it! LOL I am going for a transformation and will go wig shopping. I will have to walk 2 blocks from the parking garage to the wig shop dressed! Of course, Jennifer will be with me as added security that I do not chicken out! (Jennifer is the person doing the transformation!) You do what you feel like doing! Go at your own speed. You have to go just a little over your comfort zone to move forward on your journey but there can be stops along the way!!! It is your journey be comfortable as you want or may be just a little stressed enough to move on. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It is up to you and your own imagination!! Hugs Lana Mae

[ellbee]

If you check out my thread about being out or in you'll find from counting up the replies there are far more of us out than in. Only about 6 said they were totally happy being in the rest wanted to be out or were out.

I found your post on that... :)


Members who replied preferring to be IN 6
Members who replied saying they were IN but would prefer to be OUT 19
Members who replied saying they had been OUT or were OUT 32

That makes the total number of replies 57 if my maths are correct


So, 32 out of 57 have actually been out -- or 56%.

[Teresa]

Laura,
I haven't added the replies after my summary but you get the idea of how many like to be out or want to be out, if you look at the viewing figure it would still be great if a few more would add their preferences.

[DIANEF]

Hi Annie, I am in a similar situation as you, a few drives, a few steps away from the car. But could I interact?, I really don't know. I'm not a naturally outgoing person and hate drawing attention to myself, even in drab. I read with a mixture of envy and admiration the tales of other members who go shopping, to bars and clubs, who are truly out in the open and wonder if I could ever follow in their footsteps. If your a long time dresser I doubt it's a fetish. Transgender?, only you know that. Already since joing this forum a few months ago I have done much more than I have in the past thirty years, but still feel there is so much more I am capable of if I can just push myself to try. You are certainly not alone in your feelings.

[kimberley anne]

Annie--

I don't think I can add much to the wonderful advice already given here about the feelings, but maybe I can give you some thoughts on a practical path forward if you do want to try getting out, but are frightened.

I was exactly in your position this Spring. The first time anyone in the world saw Kimberley Anne was June 23rd this year. Here is how I did it. I used the internet to find a small, neighborhood gay bar. NOT one of the glamor clubs -- those tend to be filled with young twinks who are obsessed with their own, and everybody else's, looks. And they tend to be bitchy as hell. I found several whose clientele are generally over 50. (Any gay man over 50 has been the subject of enough discrimination in his life that he tends to be very tolerant of "different" people, which you and I are.) I found one where I could park about 30 feet from the door. I then went there in male persona in the late afternoon to scope the place out, and to make friends with just one of the bartenders. I asked him how comfortable the clientele would be with a middle aged CD that night. He said they would be fine. I explained that this would me my first outing, and that I was not looking to pick up anyone, but just wanted to talk to a few kind people--and that I was nervous as hell. I then asked him when I should come into the bar in order to get there before it became crowded, so I could avoid an "entrance" and so I could be sure to get THAT particular spot over there-- the one that did not hide me completely, but not leave me broadly exposed. And, I asked him to "take care of me" that night-- meaning, talk to me, serve me drinks, and help introduce me to a couple of appropriate patrons. I tried to tip him $20, but he refused the tip, smiling at me.

The night was wonderful. I never got up from my seat until it was time to leave-- because I was confident that I wasn't conspicuous if I stayed seated, but wasn't confident that I could pull off being feminine enough if I moved about. I met several very nice people, and went back the next night-- again early enough that I wasn't "making an entrance".

Things progressed from there. I won't tell you about those, because they aren't relevant to your particular path. You choose for yourself.

I just offer this as a very low risk way to get started. I hope it helps.

[AnnieMac]

Wow, gals, thank you so much for all of the great advice and very personal thoughts you have shared with me .
You have given me a lot to think about. I have to let it all settle in my head some more. I so much appreciate
these comments.
I love you guys !
-Annie

[Dena]

Do what feels right for you.

I've been out a number of times (at the peak of my crossdressing back in my 30's). While I didn't have any bad experiences,
it just didn't really go anywhere for me. I never got past having to think about everything I did, so I never was "in the moment"
in a feminine way. Then it struck me that going out enfemme was kind of a "macho" trip, the risk taking, pushing boundaries etc.

[Molly Wells]

I guess I have reached a point, realizing that I have been out numerous times over the years, that its like a roll of the dice. I have had days where I was just full of confidence and boldly went out shopping, movies, dinner, just about anything I could want to do. I have had days that I felt comfortable interacting with the public, mostly SA's etc and I have had days that I would go into a store and browse and avoid any and all personal contact. I like shopping at Kohls and a couple of months ago I was out dressed and went into a different Kohls than I normally go to. I was a little nervous, there were a lot of people there shopping for back to school clothes. I went in and suddenly became very apprehensive, I walked by one of the mirrored post they have and saw an ugly old man in a dress! I immediately decided it was time to go and quickly left.
This past week I went and had a MAC makeover, then went shopping, dinner, for a stroll in the park and more. I had a great time, interacted with a lot of people, had no problems and people just did not seem to care.
All that to say that I don't any of us have total confidence 100% of the time. For me it is most common when I am out to just be about, mostly avoiding interaction but just enjoying the experience.
So, get out there! If it feels right, go for it! If not, just blend in and enjoy.
Hugs,
Molly

[Jenny22]

Annie, its baby steps. I'm an older, life-long closet CDer, but thanks to the girls on this forum, and one in particular who I will meet with tomorrow morning for coffee, I'm now exploring more of the outside world, with baby steps. Mine began with: a Saturday office complex walk in the parking lot, a drive thru meal order, a parking lot walk at a strip center, driving to and from southern Nevada, another drive thru order, a Halloween strip center walk past store doors, all en femme with makeup, wig and jewelry. I will meet with my forum friend tomorrow en femme... a first for me. I know she'll encourage me to take more 'girly steps,' now. Its hard, but can be done. Hugs.

[MelanieAnne]

I read your entire post. First, there are no rules. There is no one size fits all. Do what is comfortable for you. I have been crossdressing since teen years, and I have no desire to interact with people as a woman. I do it for myself. I love to look in the mirror and see an attractive woman. I love the feel of the clothes and being smooth all over. I only try to pass to limit any problems. I don't want to be seen as a guy in a dress. Don't ever feel you are a failure for not meeting some self imposed goals. Just go with it as your personal situation allows and enjoy it for what it is.

(I don't even like most of the fetish style clothes, I prefer regular women fashions). Any of Y'all feel this way? It brings me down sometimes - thx and love -Annie.
That's how I am. Women don't wear fetish clothes. I have a couple pairs of 4 inch heels for pics. But I usually wear 2 1/2 or three inch heels, which is what most women wear. When was the last time you saw a woman wearing 4 inch heels? Most don't or can't! I buy heels from Penneys or other regular stores. Not CD or fetish places.