Telling or not telling the wife [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Becky Blue

11-10-2016, 02:55 AM

I know that what I am going to be saying will probably raise some interesting comments and I look forward to hearing some of you on this one.

To date I have told my wife only a little bit about my 'gender issues' this is not something that I have done (or not done to be more precise) lightly or without a lot of thought.

First my story in brief. Standard CD from early teen to age 40ish... putting on items of female clothing was a huge turn on, not something I needed to do or had to do and as such once I met my lovely wife and got married, it became something I did very very rarely. Of course I felt no need to share my secret as it was largely irrelevant. Then suddenly almost overnight just over 10 years ago, it all changed for me, I developed a very very strong urge to dress. At that stage I was travelling a lot for work and before I knew it I had my first makeover. I don't need to tell people here what an amazing experience it is to see oneself as a woman for the first time. This is when my inner girl came out and I realised that dressing was now something I had to do. Oh oops almost forgot to mention, the sexual side of dressing totally vanished.

Now a bit about our marriage, very very happily married for over 20 years to a great woman. We are very close in many ways and spend a lot of time together. My wife believes that a happily married couple do not have to tell each other everything, as long as they tell anything and everything that is important or relevant.

So when Becky evolved I was very undecided as to whether I should tell her or not. I felt that this news would not be something that she would be happy about. She would not embrace having a husband that was in any way feminine or even a CD. I knew she would not have ended our marriage but I did feel the news would ruin her life, she would be very very upset and very concerned for the kids finding out.

Given I was travelling so often for work, it became easy for Becky to almost coexist in my life. Over the next few years she had quite a time. I had my first outing in Sydney Australia (more about that one day) wow what an experience. I bought a range of clothes, accessories, wigs, makeup and spent many many happy nights in hotels around the world practicing my make up skills, dressing in and chatting with other girls on Yahoo messenger. Then in 2007 I spent a large amount of the year in the USA mostly in San Fran. I call that the year of Becky, I found a group of girlfriends and went out numerous times. Although we sent many nights in bars and clubs dancing etc. I never once came close to doing anything inappropriate as they say unless you call dressing up as a girl inappropriate :) but you know what I mean..

So a lot of thinking about telling my wife, but although I came close once, I felt that I would be devastating her world, and that of course I would loved to have shared my secret but that was perhaps selfish. I did think at that stage that I was maybe heading for transition as I had incredibly strong urges to dress and I really felt myself to be more female than male inside, or course I would have to have told her if I had to follow that option.

Luckily I decided not to tell her as Becky left me in late 2007, as quickly as she came she left. This time though the sexual side of CDing didn't come back either. For the next 4 years I had no Becky, no desire to dress, it was as if that side of me had died.

Some stage in the 3rd year it somehow came up in conversation (too personal to explain how) but the net result was I told my wife that I used to have desires to dress but they had left me 3 years ago. She did not ask if I had dressed, probably scared of the answer, so we left it at that.

In 2012 Becky came back to me in a way. Since then I get urges and desires to dress, to go out, but then just when i think it will overwhelm me they go. So now i find myself in that genderfluid world where I know that I am more of a woman inside but I don't feel like I am trapped in the wrong body and some occasional dressing or outing seems to be enough for me, as long as I can express myself here on facebook etc.

So although at times I think perhaps I should share with my wife, how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!! I have also now been in this game for long enough now to know that how I feel today may well change again. But right now life is very good, I am gifted to have Becky and am very lucky to be able to occasionally get her out safely.

Sorry for the loooong post, feel free to ask me anything and happy to take some criticism for my decision to date.
Bec
xx

Helen 2

11-10-2016, 03:32 AM

Hi Becky and before I offer my thoughts, I want to share that my family and I will be visiting Australia over our Christmas week, Cairns (or 'Caans' as I've been lectured to pronounce) for a few days diving the Reef and then Melbourne for the New Year's party, the Bridge Walk and a few other things...a 'bucket list dream' finally coming true. Sadly, no femme time for me, though.

I shared my story with my wife before we married, and although she does not participate nor wants Helen in her life, she travels often and allows me to be Helen as much as I want to when she is not around. She has seen everything on 'that side' of 'that closet', borrowed some things very occasionally, seen me dressed twice (at her request) and generally accepts Helen but not in her presence, a reasonable DADT situation.

I told her about Helen before we married because I had two simple questions:
- Was I ready to live a lie with the woman I loved?
- Was she really the woman I could spend the rest of my life with because if she could not deal with Helen in our lives even if occasionally, then it just wasn't going to work.

After so many years dressing in secret and with several 'on that topic' conversations you have had with your SO, I would not be surprised that 'she knows' -or at least suspects- so basically, you have to ask yourself the same two questions and decide for yourself. And yes, that could be risky.
If she takes it hard, be prepared to put more skin in the game in the form of counselling and other means to better educate your spouse on why this is something that will be there forever, etc and take it from there.

The truth is never easy but it might set both of you free

Wyomingal1

11-10-2016, 03:47 AM

I feel your conflict with this. I know from experience that the sooner you tell her the better. But do it slowly. You already had one conversation about this. You did not say if it was good or bad. She has it in her mind that you have these desires, what she may not know (she may know) is that these are a part of you. Becky has been with you since your early teens, probably earlier. It sounds like you are very happy with your wife. After 20ish years, if you bring up Becky she may be able to hear you, but she may not want to see her. After this long your wife might feel betrayed too because you have not said anything about this and it has been 10ish years. My "vote" is to start telling her but do it slow. If you have any pics she might be able to look at those after a few conversation.
Anyway good luck
Hugs and kisses
Jessie

bridget thronton

11-10-2016, 04:17 AM

I needed to tell my wife because keeping secrets was not in my nature - tough at first, but she loves and accepts this side of me (been married 41 years). Our adult children are also accepting. You know yourself and your wife better than I do so only you know is best.

mykell

11-10-2016, 06:11 AM

well these threads tend to get contentious sooner than later, for me my reason was what would she think had i passed on and not been able to answer any of her concerns about me and her when she found my things ??? so whether you have the discussion or not is your choice, for your reasons.....but at the very least pen her a letter or video explaining what you just shared here to put her at ease and leave it with your stash of becky things....

Teresa

11-10-2016, 06:13 AM

Becky,
I can understand how tricky this is, my CDing doesn't ebb and flow, I have a gut feeling or need 24/7, so i knew things had to change I just couldn't live with that feeling of suppression.
For people like you who are gender fluid the question of telling is more difficult, you may find if you give it long enough the feelings may not come back at all, so why say anything, it would be in your past. I know that is said with some doubts because it could come back so strong you may feel like transition next time, there are no fixed rules in all this.
I'm inclined to write it all down with totally honesty , no BS just facts, I believe how your CDing started is important or at least it is in my case so include that, if you mention your dressing on trips abroad don't make a big thing of how good it was just give truthful details that you feel may be important.

You would then have two choices, ask your wife if she would like to see and understand what went on in your past or wait until the urge comes back and show her what you have written down to explain what is happening and how it will take it's course .
At the end of the day all this is inside your head, whether it's an everyday feeling or spasmodic you can't take those feelings away they are part of you and you must be honest with yourself about it. The important point is if you're not gay or don't want to transition you wife isn't losing a husband and the kids aren't losing a father.That is important and my family now see it that way,they just accept it is a part of me and give me the space I need to deal with it.

Emily Ann Brown

11-10-2016, 07:52 AM

Been there. I didn't tell her when the feeling started. We were married and I know her well and know it would not end well..I WAS RIGHT. Then two years back I meet the perfect lady. We fell in love..:) l told her I had a deal breaker...she laugh after I tell her...IS THAT ALL! She has been in Em's closet..asked to use stuff, seen photos, and buy me panties. But I don't dress around her...okay panties toenail hair and earrings. So far I don't feel the need to take the chance of losing her
Em

MissTee

11-10-2016, 09:41 AM

CONSUELO

11-10-2016, 10:28 AM

I have experienced my desire to cross dress ebb and flow but the highs and lows have not been large like yours. I often say this to other girls on this site but I wonder if some time with a counselor who has expertise would help. I sense that you have two problems understanding yourself and then being able to have your wife understand you.

Nikkilovesdresses

11-10-2016, 10:38 AM

Fascinating story, especially Becky's sudden appearance and disappearance. Thanks for sharing.

You've made it work so far, but perhaps retirement might be a bit trickier, when you're home full time? For now I think you're wise to let sleeping dogs lie, potentially jeopardising a happy marriage is a very big gamble.

Jenniferathome

11-10-2016, 11:57 AM

... a happily married couple do not have to tell each other everything, as long as they tell anything and everything that is important or relevant.

So when Becky evolved I was very undecided as to whether I should tell her or not. ...

Well, it's pretty clear you DON'T believe you should tell her things that are important. This not a gray area. Cross dressing IS relevant.

ClosetED

11-10-2016, 12:56 PM

I see you joined 11 years ago, so you know there are many opinions here. My wife has known for last 25 years of 27 years of marriage, but she hates my Ellen side but knows I can't live without it, so tries her best to ignore it. I agree you should tell your wife but slowly. Read Jennifer's link on how to tell your wife to prepare. If you are not sure who you are, then maybe some therapy to help sort you out or ask here to help sort out your basic needs vs fantasies. As you said "am very lucky to be able to occasionally get her out safely" - if wife knew and allowed you to do that, would you be satisfied?
Hugs, Ellen

leannejacobs

11-10-2016, 03:09 PM

I had a forced confession after 20+ years of marriage, my wife knew I was hiding something and assumed it was an affair, she had found my underwear stash a few years previous which was never spoken about, I had to tell her to get the idea that I could be unfaithful out of her mind, I did a lot of research on here before I took the plunge, I wrote a letter and prepared some pics with my face blurred, I waited until we were in bed one night and told her I had something to confess, I read her the letter and showed her the pics, emphasising the fact that there was no sexual element in it for me and that I had no desires to transition,, she took it pretty bad to start with.
After I gave her some time to digest this new information I spoke to her again, explaining why I needed to come clean, she asked to see my clothes and then instructed me to dress for her, it was very awkward but she was fine with it, fast forward and I now get to dress in her presence regularly and she actually enjoys socialising with Leanne.
The biggest hurt through it all was the deception, the fact that I kept it from her so long, if you're going to tell her, do it soon and tell all, don't hold anything back, let her absorb it and then move very slowly, best of luck.

DIANEF

11-10-2016, 03:16 PM

I've been debating if I should tell my wife about my CDing for a long time. I had pretty much decided that it was the right thing to do and have been mentally preparing for the day. Now I am conflict with myself. One half is saying. yes,tell, you owe it to her not to keep this secret any longer. The other half is saying, no. you've got this far without her knowing, what effect will it have on her and us if she is told. At the moment we are reasonably happy with each other, we're not super close but have a good balance of time together and time to do our own thing. We have a nice house, a decent social life. some good friends. All that could come crashing down in an instant, or it could go much better than I expected, I really don't know. My CDing has never ebbed and flowed like it has for some, it is always there and as I get older the desire is if anything getting stronger. As someone once said, what a tangled web we weave....

ReineD

11-10-2016, 04:36 PM

I did think at that stage that I was maybe heading for transition as I had incredibly strong urges to dress and I really felt myself to be more female than male inside, or course I would have to have told her if I had to follow that option.

To place this in your timeline, this was the 2007 year in San Francisco that you call the year of Becky. So why do you think that strong urges to dress means that you are more female than male inside. All crossdressers experience strong urges to dress, and I may add, extremely strong urges. This is the nature of the crossdressing. If I may provide a small scale analogy, it’s like wanting that last piece of (fill in the blank with your favorite treat) in the fridge, when you’re on a diet. You’ve had a good dinner, but you start thinking about it at 11 at night, even though your rule is that you will not eat after 9pm. You start thinking about it, and within 15-30 minutes, you’ve convinced yourself it’s only one time and you've been good (there is only one piece left), and the urge to eat it is overpowering. So you eat it.

Why do you think that similar strong urges to experience femininity means that your gender identity has changed. Is it because your brain has linked dressing up as a girl with "being" a girl? If this were the case, every CDer who dresses as a girl would be a girl, which certainly isn’t the case. Having gone from crossdressing with a strong sexual urges earlier in life, to no longer needing sexual gratification, does not mean that one has graduated to having Gender Dysphoria.

Do you feel uncomfortable with your male body and your male sexual functioning? If not, then you don’t have GD (which is feeling that your gender identity does not match your body). But having strong urges to experience the benefits of dressing up, even if there is no need for sexual gratification, does describe the crossdressing as it is experienced by many middle-aged men.

In 2012 Becky came back to me in a way. Since then I get urges and desires to dress, to go out, but then just when i think it will overwhelm me they go. So now i find myself in that genderfluid world where I know that I am more of a woman inside but I don't feel like I am trapped in the wrong body and some occasional dressing or outing seems to be enough for me, as long as I can express myself here on facebook etc.

You’ve answered your own question. You do not feel trapped in the wrong body. But I’m still confounded about your definition of "more of a woman inside". I’m assuming you feel great when you do crossdress and the need to engage in the transformation is impossible to resist, but feeling great about the CDing does not a woman make. Like I said, you are wanting to relieve the urge, like that treat in the fridge, only it involves a lot more preparation, the block of time allocated to it is longer than the time it takes to eat a treat, and it does involve the outward appearance of being a woman. In between the CDing sessions you feel comfortable, you do not want to rid yourself of your male body (even if you have strong urges to have boobs), and so what you have is the garden-variety urges that all crossdressers experience, even if it is no longer sexual (which tends to diminish for many middle-aged CDers).

So although at times I think perhaps I should share with my wife, how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!!

Instead of telling her "I don't know", why don't you simply tell her what you told us (except you will need to change your idea that when you feel a strong urge to crossdress, it means you are a girl inside). It doesn't. If you can change your inner-language, it may make it easier to explain this to your wife without jeopardizing your relationship. You can honestly tell her what you’ve told us, that you have strong urges to express femininity but you do not feel you are in the wrong body, and so you need the time and space to express yourself when the urges manifest themselves. Leave the "I’m more of a girl than a boy inside" out of it, since you do not experience Gender Dysphoria. To enjoy the feelings associated with presenting as an attractive girl (I assume you enjoy feeling pretty) is not the same as a rejection of your male body and identity.

:2c:

Becky Blue

11-10-2016, 05:56 PM

Wow some really great and deep responses and thanks to everyone xx. I will try and answer all of the questions as well as add some clarifications too as I take some time to absorb it all.

What I want to stress and I know some of you may disagree with this, but my primary reason for NOT telling is because of my love for my wife, but I know that a full confession WILL upset her a lot. I think that for me to tell her at this stage would be quite selfish as I have a lot to gain if she was accepting.

If my circumstances change and I had to take Becky further of course I would have no choice but to tell her, but on the other hand maybe this is as far as I will ever go and if that means a happy wife and a great marriage is not put at risk for no compelling reason.

- - - Updated - - -

I shared my story with my wife before we married, and although she does not participate nor wants Helen in her life, she travels often and allows me to be Helen as much as I want to when she is not around. She has seen everything on 'that side' of 'that closet', borrowed some things very occasionally, seen me dressed twice (at her request) and generally accepts Helen but not in her presence, a reasonable DADT situation.

I told her about Helen before we married because I had two simple questions:
- Was I ready to live a lie with the woman I loved?
- Was she really the woman I could spend the rest of my life with because if she could not deal with Helen in our lives even if occasionally, then it just wasn't going to work.

After so many years dressing in secret and with several 'on that topic' conversations you have had with your SO, I would not be surprised that 'she knows' -or at least suspects- so basically, you have to ask yourself the same two questions and decide for yourself. And yes, that could be risky.
If she takes it hard, be prepared to put more skin in the game in the form of counselling and other means to better educate your spouse on why this is something that will be there forever, etc and take it from there.

The truth is never easy but it might set both of you free

Helen, at the end of the day for me having a great marriage is when you both love each other and still want to spend time with each other after more than 20 years together. Nobody is perfect nor is any relationship. I see one of my roles in life is to make my wife happy, that in turn makes me happy. If I had known about my 'female side' early in our relationship of course I would have told her, but by the time Becky emerged it was too late.

Charlotte Ann

11-10-2016, 06:58 PM

As an accepting wife I must chime in and say "yes" tell her. There is no reason to add every detail of your history however as you have brought it up before odds are she good she's paying attention and knows more than you may think. I have seen first hand how difficult it may to answer the questions that will be asked. My husband had more unknowns than definitive answers on how much "Bobbie" was a part of him but that was honest. Something I had an easier time accepting than why I didn't know a couple years before. Honestly is freedom regardless of the outcome and love only survives with trust. If she finds out on her own the consequences are far worse. Think answering questions you don't have scripted answers for is ruff .Try " what else are you hiding ?" Or why did you betray me all these years ? When she no longer has a reason to believe the answers . You are gambling with emotions yours and your wife's. You say you two are close. if that is true gamble on the strength and respect for your relationship. With open communication and time you might find your wife enjoys Becky's time as much as I enjoy Bobbie's.

C

Sandy silk

11-10-2016, 07:52 PM

This type of post elicits a myriad of responses and not a single one may apply as none of us knows the intricacies of each other's relationships. I can only relay my course of action. As I have written in the past, I was only a lingerie wearer for strictly sexual gratification...no desire to go past that for over thirty years. I am now in my late sixties, travelled extensively for work and had many "private" times. For many a decade..I stopped cold turkey. Then I retired, had time on my hands even though my days are filled. Like many here..it hit me like a brick out of nowhere. All,of a sudden a deep desire to totally CD...where did this descend on me from...no clue. It started to eat at me from within..felt like exploding. I discovered this site...got tired of CD porn..not attracted to it. I had no idea what breast forms etc were..but started a secret buying spree..an almost uncontrollable need to buy womens' clothing...and like many here...the sexual compulsion disappeared. I thought I was in deep trouble on a personal level. I am so happily married, and was in terrible fear.
About two months ago, I was so wound up I sat my wife down and said we needed to talk...she never saw this coming...was I about to confess an affair, being gay...who knew. I was in turmoil and told her everything..how I masterbated in hose for decades while on the road etc but now that I'm home and have no privacy I want to dress as a woman. She listened and did not react positively or negatively-we have been together over forty five years. I felt the weight leave my shoulders-I'm out..what next. OK-I apologize..I next over did it..wanted to talk about it all the time...she said...ok..but let's take a break of this constant CD pushing...hard to do.

I backed off, but being the type A I am...I said I want you to see me dressed...and I don' understand make up...I need help. She said she would help...I dressed-sat down on her side of the bathroom and she did my make up and then I put my wig on. Like many here she said she envied my legs. The ice was broken...it calmed me down. Since then I am much more considerate. She doesn't want to be bombarded with this...in my fantasy I want to dress like twins like the folks on YOUTube . Not happening just yet, but I know her...and we'll get here gently. She told me that since she does not use a lot of make up...she had a great face lift a couple of years ago, that I should watch some how to,videos. I did but told her it was overwhelming and I need help buying the proper make up...again she said she'd help. Now once a week, I ask her if I dress will she help me. If she's not tired she will..and I love her for it. Today we discussed a minor money expenditure and I quipped "well there goes my new cocktail dress" she laughed. Now we shop Amazon together and she tells me what is appropriate or not. I have three wigs..I like my silver one as it's age appropriate but she said put the blond one on.

So that's my story...what is so weird is that she has a great body and I look at here and envy her....I would "kill" for that cleavage or those shapely hips. She helped me in to my corset and it was fun. We've been together a very long time...and I'm free...it's so good.

ellbee

11-10-2016, 08:17 PM

Well, it's pretty clear you DON'T believe you should tell her things that are important. This not a gray area. Cross dressing IS relevant.

That's crazy-talk.

Remember: No one cares! ;)

ReineD

11-10-2016, 09:12 PM

What I want to stress and I know some of you may disagree with this, but my primary reason for NOT telling is because of my love for my wife, but I know that a full confession WILL upset her a lot. I think that for me to tell her at this stage would be quite selfish as I have a lot to gain if she was accepting.

Oops, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought when you asked this in your OP: "how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!!", you wanted to know WHAT to tell her. So if you don't dress much and a lot of it is just participating here and on facebook, you're not in a position to outright lie to her? If this is the case, then it's up to you as to what to do. But keep in mind that you are withholding something that you consider is important. Should she ever find out, she will feel lied to even though by not telling her you do not feel you are lying and this would erode the marital trust.

But, should you ever decide to tell her, then you should change your inner-language and tell her what you told us rather than lead her to understand that you do struggle with gender identity.

If my circumstances change and I had to take Becky further of course I would have no choice but to tell her, but on the other hand maybe this is as far as I will ever go and if that means a happy wife and a great marriage is not put at risk for no compelling reason.

If you had Gender Dysphoria you would not be able to have a great marriage with your wife under the present circumstances. You would hate it that she thinks of you as a man.

Becky Blue

11-10-2016, 09:35 PM

Reine, thanks very much for your very detailed response, but I have to disagree with your premise. You are saying that if a person does not hate their body is not convinced that they are the wrong gender then they are a 'just' CD.

I believe that gender is a continuum and its not as simple as you either have GD or you don't. Take myself as a good example. I have many characteristics and attributes that are more associated with females. I don't hate my body per se, but I hate aspects of it such as body hair. Would I love to have boobs? Yes but I would love to have smooth legs more.
I don't enjoy many of typical male behaviours, I don't enjoy the company of groups of guys. I don't ever feel or think I look good in guys clothes, the only time I ever feel i look good is when I am enfemm. I could give another 20 examples.

So yes I show attributes of GD at times, but for whatever reason it doesn't make my life miserable and my compulsion to be a woman seems to be temporary. So that is why at this stage I can see no benefit to my wife of sharing more than she knows already.

sandijons

11-10-2016, 10:07 PM

think youe on the right track becky we use the term transition the infers you were someone else. the journey to be becky or sandi includes them. always a part of you

- - - Updated - - -

your beautiful dianei understand your urges to dress even more . know what your going tosay . start a conversation about crossdress celebrity get a feel for her opinion she may show a good deal about what she sees as acceptable . di this before you talk to her about your situation
not want to

ReineD

11-10-2016, 10:09 PM

Reine, thanks very much for your very detailed response, but I have to disagree with your premise. You are saying that if a person does not hate their body is not convinced that they are the wrong gender then they are a 'just' CD.

So, what's "just CD"? :)

Forum members have developed a language of "just CD" and "more than CD", as if there is some sort of hierarchy that makes one serious, and one not. A lot of people think if a CDer is sexually aroused when he dresses, then he's a fetish CD and is not as serious about it as someone who isn't sexual aroused. But really, there's not much difference between someone who gets sexually aroused over it and someone who doesn't. Libido is a highly individual thing and it also changes throughout a man's life, so it cannot be used as a barometer for "how much of a CD/more-than-CD am I". Both the "just" and the "more than" might have the same taste in clothes, might have developed the same ability to put on makeup well, both might dress to the same degree of frequency, both might go out dressed to the same places, etc, etc, etc.

So let's look at "just a CD" in more detail. Is it a teenager who is just starting out and gets off on the pair of panties he stole from the girl's locker room? Or the older teenager who has accumulated a small stash of complete outfits, hose, lingerie, and who gets off frequently in his room, only to rip it off and then do something with the guys? Or is it the same person 10 years later who loves to go to TG friendly nightclubs to flirt with all the guys while wearing wild eye makeup and mini skirts? Or does he stop being "just a CD" when 10 years after that, he is married with kids and dresses less frequently, and it is no longer as sexual as it once was (although it still is sometimes). Or has he then graduated to more than "just a CD" 10 years after that, when his kids are gone and his wife is so accepting that he wears a house dress and some makeup most nights after he comes from work, and a nightie to bed? No, this person has been the same along. The difference between the stages is a natural maturity that we all go through and that affects our changing approaches to any circumstance, even those not dealing with the crossdressing.

But fundamentally, we do have two important distinctions within this community and they are "those who will transition" and "those who will not". Those who will transition are usually referred to as TS, or some refer to themselves as TG. But there are a slew of words to describe those who will not transition: crossdresser, bigender, gender-fluid, gender nonconforming, non-binary, TG, etc, etc, etc.

If your wife becomes upset over the CDing, I suspect she will mostly fear transition. And since you clearly stated above that you do not feel you are in the wrong body, chances are that you will not transition. After that, you can attach any label to yourself you would like, but to say you a a woman inside (which indicates a mismatch between your body and your gender identity) doesn't describe the things you've told us about yourself in this thread.

You might be interested in reading the link below, which is one of the clearest explanations I've seen of Gender Dysphoria, from the National Health System in the UK. It describes transsexualism. And finally, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not being TS, no matter which word you prefer to use to describe yourself. :)

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

Becky Blue

11-10-2016, 10:50 PM

Reine, I agree with a lot of what you have said above, that exactly why I put the 'just' a CD in inverted commas. Your distinction of either you transition or you don't is actually the only relevant one, the rest are just labels. But labels do help a lot in understanding what we are.

Back on topic of telling my wife... I think if I was simply a guy who liked to dress or got sexually stimulated I would tell my wife as it would be pretty innocuous. If I had to transition clearly I would be telling her. I guess its that middle ground that creates the level of discomfort and fear of unknown that is part of my reason for not upsetting her by telling.

ReineD

11-10-2016, 10:57 PM

<EDIT> Ooops again, Becky, I'm editing this post to tell you that you posted your #24 while I was typing this. Anyway, if you are happy and your wife is happy, then all is good. :)</EDIT>

I believe that gender is a continuum

Everything in life is a continuum. Every single human trait is on a continuum. For example, some people are naturally extremely jealous, others don't have a jealous bone in their body, and there are all those at various degrees of jealousy in between. But, no human trait and no personal preference can be placed into a male or female gender box as if to define some sort of gender continuum. Every human being has the full capacity to experience all human emotions, and the preferences we all have are social contructs. Raise a girl in a society were girls don't wear pink, and she will not be drawn to wearing pink. Where there is NOT a continuum is in our biological sex. We are either male or female (with the male or female primary and secondary sexual characteristics), with a small percentage of people who are born statistically anomalous as intersex (http://www.isna.org/faq/conditions).

I have many characteristics and attributes that are more associated with females. I don't hate my body per se, but I hate aspects of it such as body hair. Would I love to have boobs? Yes but I would love to have smooth legs more.

You and just about every other CDer in this forum! :) It makes sense that if the desire is to look female, then any slight body modification in order to make it look and feel feminine would be preferred. How many CDers here have said they LOVE the feel of nylons over their freshly shaved legs. This is indeed part of the CDing. My own SO keeps his body shaved at all times.

I don't enjoy many of typical male behaviours, I don't enjoy the company of groups of guys. I don't ever feel or think I look good in guys clothes, the only time I ever feel i look good is when I am enfemm.

First, a lot of guys aren't into stereotypical male behaviors. I have three sons. None of them are into tinkering with cars, two of them aren't particularly into sports (although one was as a teenager), two of them are fantastic cooks (they enjoy the kitchen more than their girlfriends), one of them is an artist, one is very picky about how his house looks and is decorated, and I could go on too, while my other son's fiancée is a sports therapist at a high school and she is naturally crazy for sports! As to not enjoying the company of men, I don't blame you if your only experiences have been among groups of beer guzzling guys who beat their chests and talk about sports. But, did you ever have a male friend you were close to, with whom you could talk to about a variety of things including any issues you may have had in your personal life? This isn't much different than talking to a GG about the same things. :) And sorry to bring up my sons again, but the middle one is single and hangs out with a sizable group of people of both men and women. They do a lot of things together, and they engage in activities while together that both the men and women like. He enjoys doing things much more with the entire gang than spending a weekend out in the woods with just the guys. As to not liking guy clothes, you're certainly not alone. We had a longstanding thread in this section years ago where a majority of CDers said they couldn't be bothered to dress up nicely as men. Their best efforts went into their feminine looks. My own SO could put his entire male wardrobe in one large suitcase, yet there are two rooms full of female clothes.

The mind is a complex thing. If you do enjoy experiencing femininity, it makes sense that you will seek what you might consider is stereotypical femininity, which includes hanging out with just the girls and engaging in what you might consider is girl talk? But just so you know, when I get together with my female friends we discuss politics, current events, carreers, events in our lives, etc, even sports sometimes (one friend describe the Cubs World Series game in great detail), just like men talk about.

So yes I show attributes of GD at times, but for whatever reason it doesn't make my life miserable and my compulsion to be a woman seems to be temporary. So that is why at this stage I can see no benefit to my wife of sharing more than she knows already.

You should read the medical definition of GD above.

Having said all I said here, please understand that my focus in telling you all of this is to help you explain it all to your wife, should she find your stash of clothes one day and demand an explanation. If you tell her you have Gender Dysphoria but you are happy in your male body and as a male in between feminine experiences, even if your urges to dress are the strongest things you experience, then your personal definition does not agree with the medical profession's. And if you tell her you are a woman, it will make it a lot harder for her to accept than if you tell her what you told us, which is that you enjoy expressing femininity on occasion and you do not feel you are in the wrong body.

... But, if you want to think of yourself as a woman, then of course you can think of yourself this way.

Alice_2014_B

11-10-2016, 11:26 PM

I had to tell my wife.
Always best to not keep it a secret from your SO.
:)

Dana44

11-10-2016, 11:37 PM

I understand Becky, it is always a risk. However if you do tell her do it very slowly and listen to Reine, as she listed things that you should not revel. I have been though many women in my life and had told each one. But my latest girlfriend, I told her and it was a bit rocky at first but now no problems.so one never knows for sure. But to keep something so vital from her is like your are living two lives apart. If you do revel to her and she is somewhat receptive then things will be better for Becky. But if it turns into DADT situation at least she knows and Becky will be okay also. .

Teresa

11-11-2016, 09:41 AM

Reine, To take up your point about GD, do you accept there is a sliding scale or just the black and white medical definition , I can understand Becky's comments I feel I have GD as did my counsellor, it's not always a case hating body parts, I know I've lived with the gut feeling or need 24/7 for most of my life, hating male body parts or wanting female ones is only part of GD,the brain is trying to live both sides without the need to change physically, dressing feels enough to achieve that , I don't work hard on my body shape but it serves both male and female sides of me very well. Maybe it's why I don 't go for all the extra padding or corsetry, I feel I'm enough of a female to achieve that , I now feel as comfortable dressed as in drab .

Stephanie47

11-11-2016, 11:16 AM

Tell the wife or not? Mine outing has a little different twist. I had dabbled in my mother's lingerie draw and had gone as squeezing into one of her sun dresses as a young teenager. I wore some of her bras and ugly panties, slips, girdles, hosiery and a dress. However, as I got older the urge disappeared. When I was in the military I totally forgot about anything concerning wearing women's clothing. Not a thought. Not an urge. I married. My wife was a dynamite looking woman who looked great in lingerie. We spent many Saturday afternoons perusing and buying lingerie in mid town Manhattan; Macy's, Gimbel's, Lord and Taylor..all the stores.

One night after a romantic bout in bed I put on a white peignoir gown. She found me in it in the kitchen drinking a glass of water. I explained I loved the feel of nylon. That was no lie. She was receptive and my wearing a nylon gown was incorporated into the bedroom scene on occasion. We did end up buying me a black floor length gown, a pink knee length peignoir set, garter belt and stockings. She gave me a red knee length peignoir set someone had gifted her that she did not like. Everything went along fine for a number of years. I started to peruse and buy full slips. Then I could not resist a Vanity Fair vivid red bra I found one Christmas. I kept it tucked away in my armoire. Our toddler daughter opened that draw and yanked out the red bra. That led to "The Talk." And, that led to her being totally turned off. No more romantic settings with me in a gown. It all went into a downhill slide. DADT. It was difficult for her to what "Tootsie" (1982).

It seems incorporating some degree of 'kinky' sex into romance was alright and encouraged, but, any expression of womanhood was too much akin to lesbianism.

Teresa

11-11-2016, 02:17 PM

Becky,
This is a personal question which I'm asking on an open forum , if you chose not to answer that's fine.

You say you're reluctant to come out to your wife because you love her so much and you don't want to hurt her, I can't deny that's great to hear that and I commend you for it. We are to assume your wife has those same feelings for you but dare we ask without reservations, so the question is are you more afraid of losing that love for you ?

I'm asking this from my personal point of view, I will admit that my wife doesn't show excessive emotions and has very rarely in forty years of marriage put her arms round me and told me she loved me, if I tried it with her most times she would brush it aside telling me not to be so stupid .
When I came out to her twenty years ago it felt like a millstone being lifted off my shoulders, it also opened up deep affection for her which I felt when we first dated , I so wanted to share the whole aspect of CDing with her, bearing in mind I'm bi-gender so there was a lot of deep feelings as well as the sharing of clothes , I tried tactfully to tell her this.
For the first couple of weeks she was OK about things, she knew it was very deep because she has never seen my cry before or since the day I told her . From that point I had much deeper feelings for her but hers ebbed away, my whole being felt rejected and unloved, my mood spiraled down to where I nearly ended my life . I was sent for counselling by my GP but that lasted two sessions because my counsellor needed to see my wife and she totally refused , he said the therapy couldn't progress without the cooperation of both of us. The outcome was long term use of Prozac.
It did get me through but every so often the question of how much she loves me does come up, I have to admit on occasions I feel like the paid handyman.
I was still on the rollercoaster when I joined the forum after a further twenty years. It's taken me three years of sharing thoughts with other members and two separate sessions of counselling, the first to determine if I had thoughts of self harm again and then followed on with gender counselling. During that period we did nearly separate but we realised too many other people were going to get hurt so we compromised, I get to go out socially but she doesn't want to see me although we do have conversations about the meetings.

As I asked in a thread a while ago , " Do you enjoy your double life ?" and that's what I'm living, we both know how I would prefer to live it but at the moment it works.

Sorry I've gone on some but the question I asked is which are you more afraid of, spoiling the love you have for your wife or risk losing the love she has for you ?

ReineD

11-11-2016, 09:23 PM

Reine, To take up your point about GD, do you accept there is a sliding scale or just the black and white medical definition ,

Yes, I do believe the medical profession. They follow (or they should follow) the WPATH Standards of Care (World Professional Association for Transgender Health). I do not have a medical degree specializing in transgender health and so I do not presume to know more than the hundreds of field professionals who have worked together to bring about Standards that have informed our healthcare systems (in the US, UK and other countries) on the treatment of Gender Dysphoria. Without the WPATH, doctors would still be refusing to give their patients hormones and SRS would not be so widely available. :)

It's been awhile since I read the Standards (there are hundreds of pages), but I believe they refer to people like Becky who do not wish to transition but who do feel they have gender issues, as "gender-nonconforming". There are many other ways to indicate that someone is gender nonconforming, for example using terms like non-binary, gender-fluid, bigender, and about 50 other terms. Many people who are gender-nonconforing or non-binary do crossdress. And so saying things like "I'm not just a CD" or "I'm more than a CD" doesn't make a lot of sense to me, since a lot of people in the gray areas do think of themselves as "crossdressers".

Becky Blue

11-11-2016, 10:46 PM

silknrachel

11-11-2016, 10:48 PM

My wife found out by accident 9 years ago by coming home unexpectedly during the day while I was dressed. I never got the chance to openly confess to her before she found out.

What I did wrong after that was a mistake I hope no one else makes.

After a couple of days from when she found out she told me that she loved me and excepted who I was. She told me that she was OK with me crossdressing. She only had a couple of rules. Dont wear her clothes and don't dress when she was home. I accepted this and was happy she accepted me. She even gave me some clothes to keep. The problem was that she was quitting her job shortly to stay home and raise our soon to be born son. This meant that since she was home all the time I had basically zero time to dress. I suffered a lot of anguish from this and started drinking excessively to drown my sorrows. It led to me doing a lot of things that would ruin the trust between us.

After years of that and then finally sobering up I started connecting with others online and found that I was very unhappy with how I let the direction of my life go. So I wrote a letter to my wife explaining how I really felt and what I needed to stay happy. She was totally understanding and we had the best conversation of our marriage.

My life has changed immensely for the better and it was because I finally opened up and was completely honest with her.

Becky Blue

11-11-2016, 10:58 PM

Hey Becky, I can completely relate to the ebb and flow of dressing. I experience that. Some days, or weeks, I just don't dress at all. Others, I go all out on clothes, make-up, etc. I suppose you could say I go with the feeling and don't worry about it.

Can I ask what are your expectations of your wife once she hears from you. Do you want her to support or simply tolerate, or is there something more you hope to gain?

This is actually THE question for me as it hits the nail on the head, what do I (capital I) hope to gain... if I tell her it will be either because I have to or because I can see some benefit to her in knowing more.

- - - Updated - - -

well these threads tend to get contentious sooner than later, for me my reason was what would she think had i passed on and not been able to answer any of her concerns about me and her when she found my things ??? so whether you have the discussion or not is your choice, for your reasons.....but at the very least pen her a letter or video explaining what you just shared here to put her at ease and leave it with your stash of becky things....

That is a very good idea, thank you so much for that. My stash is very securely stored at my office in a private locked storeroom. I will write a letter and l;eave it with my things in the event that it is found should I pass away... thanks so much for such a great idea xx

Teresa

11-12-2016, 06:28 AM

Becky,
I fully understand your reasons, as you say you are gender fluid, the ebb and flow must confuse sometimes so I can see your dilemma .

As I said it's a continuous feeling for me no ebb and flow, it does get to the point where the pressure of suppression is too great you eventually have to say something before a worse situation occurs. My counsellor was surprised and upset at the level of suppression I had lived with for so long , this is my point to Reine and also why my counsellor agreed I had GD.

I know I'm relating to my own situation but there does become a point where you have to be honest and come to terms with your own inner feelings, it's not being selfish it is to prevent you from entering a situation where you cease to function and become little use to anyone . My wife still wants a husband, my children still need dad and I want to be there to be for the grandchildren. It has to be in the open for that to happen you need that space and will only get it when they know your needs, my children don't love me any less .

Becky Blue

11-13-2016, 05:19 PM

Mellisastocking996

11-13-2016, 08:04 PM

An interesting post and much understanding, right now I feel like a pressure cooker, here in the UK for some of us theres's a thing to maintain ths manly issue
( husband , dad, etc), my god I'm right grouchy right now, want to tell the truth, a few trailers and in jokes about CD' ing, except my SO is the sort of woman who needs a man.. well, to be a man

TrishaTX

11-13-2016, 08:17 PM

I came clean a few years ago and it is not easy. We all know it comes and goes ...but I am confident I am Trisha and she is me. I just want to be me and I suspect you want to be you. We can hide, not tell etc but it is killer ....I wish it were different for all of us, that we could love a women and she would understand. Yes, I get the other side of this but after 50 years , I just want us all to have understanding too.

Becky Blue

11-14-2016, 01:00 AM

Well, it's pretty clear you DON'T believe you should tell her things that are important. This not a gray area. Cross dressing IS relevant.

Jennifer, not arguing, just understanding... why do you believe that Crossdressing IS relevant?

Take this true scenario... I travelled to the USA on a work trip 2 other colleagues from other countries where there at the same time. Each night after dinner I would head to my room, spend the rest of my night in my room alone dressed enjoying a few short hours of Becky time. My work colleagues on the other hand would hit the bars, spend each night drinking and often chatting up girls. All 3 of us were married, I have no idea if anything ever happened beyond some chatting at the bar. But I always used to wonder whose wife would be more upset if they knew what their husbands were doing each night.

AnnaMarie

11-14-2016, 08:44 AM

I've seen threads like this come up time and time again.
Becky, the ONLY person who KNOWS your wife like you do is YOU. Anyone on here can tell you that you should tell your wife or your shouldn't but they are on the other side of a computer probably several thousand miles away and don't know the full aspects of your dressing or you or your wife to know how this will pan out. There is no set way of doing this, no advice which is going to work for every person and in some respects telling your other half isn't always the right solution if it's going to lead to heartache, stress and worry. I listened to lots of advice from people on here and my story is pretty similar to yours in a lot of respects (in fact probably a mirror image of it). I had overwhelming guilt with my dressing and earlier this year wrote everything in a letter to my wife which I read out to her late one evening. Answering all the 'popular' questions. I told her EVERYTHING. We talked for a couple of hours about that evening very openly. The next day everything changed. She wants to know nothing about it and feels hurt by it (in my circumstances not hurt by the fact I didn't tell her - she can understand why). Has it harmed our relationship? Hopefully not. It's put a strain out it that's for sue. I risked EVERYTHING to come clean and I have to say due to how unhappy it's made her if I could rewind time I may not go down the same path again. Sometimes, honesty, for the sake of family, friends, children isn't always the right option. Only you can make that decision. Good luck!

Becky Blue

11-15-2016, 07:47 PM

AnneMarie, you have put it so perfectly, I do not under any circumstance want to hurt my wife unnecessarily. Right now I am happy with Becky taking a back part in my life. My wife is happy our marriage is strong and right now there is no need to upset the applecart. I may have no choice later if things change. I have told my wife a little bit so in the event I either have to tell her or I get found out somehow, at least the shock would be lessened

Good luck with your wife, I hope everything works out for you

ReineD

11-17-2016, 01:17 AM

Right now I am happy with Becky taking a back part in my life.

Gender Dysphoria doesn't work that way. But, it could be that your urges to CDress ebb and flow, this is rather commonplace. And if you're in a place of "ebbing" then it is entirely up to you as to whether you should tell your wife.

Most CDers end up telling their wives when their urges are so strong, they would need to engage in subterfuge in order to dress if their wifes didn't know. If you're not there, then that's OK.

You might want to consider telling your wife that you have gone through periods of strong urges in your life, and judging by what many CDers go through, there is a good chance the urges will come back (it tends to be cyclical), and ask her if she will be of a mind to cooperate when they do. Then you'll be covering all the bases.

Becky Blue

11-17-2016, 05:06 PM

Gender Dysphoria doesn't work that way. But, it could be that your urges to CDress ebb and flow, this is rather commonplace. And if you're in a place of "ebbing" then it is entirely up to you as to whether you should tell your wife.

Most CDers end up telling their wives when their urges are so strong, they would need to engage in subterfuge in order to dress if their wifes didn't know. If you're not there, then that's OK.

You might want to consider telling your wife that you have gone through periods of strong urges in your life, and judging by what many CDers go through, there is a good chance the urges will come back (it tends to be cyclical), and ask her if she will be of a mind to cooperate when they do. Then you'll be covering all the bases.

Reine I mentioned in my OP that I had told my wife a little bit, so given your comments I should probably expand on that. A long and complicated (and boring story) landed up with the opportunity to say something to her about 3 years after Becky disappeared. I was presented with the perfect opportunity to tell her that in the past I had desires to Cross Dress. It was not planned but the perfect opportunity came up. When I said it I decided I would be truthful and answer any questions she asked, but not volunteer any additional information. She was a bit taken aback, but only asked me two questions firstly "you said used to, and now?" I truthfully said I have had no desires in any way shape or form for well over 2 years. Secondly she asked "if it was connected to attraction to guys?" which again i was able to answer truthfully with a resounding No, never. She did NOT ask me what if anything i have done about it. Since then about 3 years later, the subject came up again (kind of brought up by me) and again and she asked if those feelings had come back, again I was 100% truthful and said an occasional feeling but no not really.

Whilst she was clearly very not happy about what she heard I think she believed me when I told her the feelings were in the past and she probably adopted a DODT with the past or maybe the timing was just good. The fact that she has not brought it up, hopefully means its not troubling her too much.

This situation does give me some peace of mind in the event that more comes out one day.

JeanTG

11-18-2016, 09:52 AM

Becky Blue

11-20-2016, 10:32 PM

I told my wife before we were married. It has always been DADT since then, except some years ago I "won" the right to wear panties 24/7 and have them end up in the laundry. I'd like more now though. I'm struggling with reining in the desires, when I can't dress, and maintaining the deception, when I can.

I am interested in hearing from some of the DADT people, how do you go about getting some girl time? Is it a case of your SO knowing that you are dressing but doesn't know details or is it totally not discussed ever?

AnnaMarie

11-21-2016, 11:07 AM

I am interested in hearing from some of the DADT people, how do you go about getting some girl time? Is it a case of your SO knowing that you are dressing but doesn't know details or is it totally not discussed ever?

For me, my wife knows I dress but doesn't know when. I'm self employed so I can pretty much pick and choose when, even so, it's not that often. She knows where my clothes are as I've told her but she doesn't want to see them. I do get to go out with friends for evenings out but I can't go dressed or come back dressed as she doesn't want to see it. I fully respect her for this of course and she knows the option to talk or ask anything relating to my dressing is always there. I do still occasionally get asked if I'm gay and it's taking a bit of time to bring her around to the fact that I am straight and would never do anything that's determental to our relationship, but I guess hearing a huge bombshell like I told her that night six months ago does really paint me in a different picture from the bloke she married

Angie G

11-21-2016, 01:59 PM

I have no criticism you you. I have been the same way in the past and I've been dressing on and off for better then 50 years. 10 years ago I told my wife in a round about way and now I dress alot but only at home.And she is the only one who knows Angie. Telling her was the best thing I did about the dressing thing.:hugs:
Angie

ClosetED

11-21-2016, 02:35 PM

My wife has known for 25 years, but is DADT. So she, in effect, asks me to deceive her as much as possible about my CDing activities. Does not want to see or discuss or see packages arrive. There are times when something still gets thru, but she finally realizes nothing will stop it. She knows there are times I go off to a hotel or she leaves for a few days and I will be dressing. She avoids the basement where she knows where the trunk is. I left it unlocked for a period and she did look thru the stuff (because a toilet seat was delivered and she thought it was CDing clothes). She apologized and complemented my taste in shoes. She has not commented on my wearing her stuff, so she is oblivious or does not care. She thinks I can't fit into her clothes. I would love to even just openly discuss my feelings and thoughts, but she will not. She will not come to this site to read. In effect, Ellen is given the silent treatment so I come here to socialize.
Hugs, Ellen

Teri Ray

11-21-2016, 11:24 PM

This topic is prolly one of the most difficult issues to anyone to discuss. I agree that no two relationships are the same and there is no right answer that would reasonably apply to all. That being said I would only offer my particular story.

Basically I was fully dressing and believed I was artful in hiding and covering my dressing until one eventful day where my wife found pictures of me on our computer. There were many other signs I was dressing along the way like lipstick on a glass or some other minor issue that I explained away with some nonsense about drinking and fooling around. But over time these little mishaps added up and my wife began to suspect something was amiss and ended up finding pictures of me dressed hidden (I thought) on our computer. After she found the pictures she confronted me and I confessed I had crossdressed for a long time. My wife asked lots of questions as to why I did this, was I gay etc. I did my best to answer honestly but after being deceitful for such a long time it was just not my nature to answer everything honestly. This lead to several years of DADT. I would dress when she was away and I knew she knew I would. I believed this was how she wanted it. Over time this situation, to my surprise, came to a head when she again confronted me about my dressing desires. Another long and uncomfortable discussion followed and this time I held nothing back and answered all questions with complete honesty. (which is not easy). The most important issue that came out of this discussion was how much being my being secret about my dressing affected my wife. I believed she desired the DADT condition but it actually caused her more concern. After sharing with my wife what I did when dressed and making my best effort to explain that I did not believe it was something I could quit she offered that I become more open with her and bring my crossdressing into the house (rather than hiding my stuff in the garage). Since then we have been more open and things between my wife and I have significantly improved. She no longer has to wonder about my dressing desire or habits because we talk. I do not believe my wife likes the fact that I crossdress but she prefers me doing it openly with her being some part of what is involved.

So that is my input (my story) I can say I sincerely thought that if my wife knew the extent of my desire to dress she would hate me for it. I found she hated the secrecy and not knowing more. I now believe, base on my experiences, that try as we may there will come a time that something will give us away as crossdressers, sooner or later. It is inevitable I believe.

So I offer this parting opinion (opinion only not advice): If you and your wife love each other and you both are truly good to each other then the likely hood of your crossdressing being discussed with your wife, is likely not the issue that would end your love for each other. Only you understand your particular situation and only you have the information to make your best informed decision.

Best wishes for you and your wife.

Becky Blue

11-22-2016, 12:18 AM

Thanks Teri and others for such comprehensive thoughts and for sharing your stories... As you say no two relationships and circumstances are the same, but we often face very similar conflicts and concerns. For me right now I am very comfortable with my decision to limit what I have told her. One day more will no doubt be said right now its probably the mouse in the room in that it is there but its a minor issue. if that mouse should grow I would never let it get as big as an elephant before i deal with it. Life right now is good and in balance.

Lana Mae

11-22-2016, 08:31 AM

Becky, trust, honesty and communication help keep relationships together. If she finds out, you have broken trust and the relationship will suffer. IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

Becky Blue

11-22-2016, 11:52 PM

Lana Mae, they do, but so does love, respect, humour, patience, tolerance, I could go on....

Jane277

11-24-2016, 07:33 AM

My only question is how can you justify not telling her? Spouses should not have any secrets from each other, no matter what the consequences may be, spouses have a right to know the truth,

Becky Blue

11-24-2016, 09:21 AM

My only question is how can you justify not telling her? Spouses should not have any secrets from each other, no matter what the consequences may be, spouses have a right to know the truth,

Jane we will have to agree to disagree. In my opinion my wife will gain nothing from knowing more about me, its a simple justification based on us having a great relationship and I can see no reason why upsetting her is necessary. Many couples have had 'The talk' the wife adopts a DODT approach, the husband is now full of secrets whenever he does anything that he doesn't tell her about.

Its a lovely sentiment to say a husband and wife should have no secrets, but I believe that most couples have secrets form each other usually to maintain the peace on matters that there is no need to tell.

Jane277

11-24-2016, 07:46 PM

Becky Blue

11-24-2016, 09:24 PM

Ask yourself this, what if she came home and found you dead, dressed as Becky, or while going through your stuff after you died she found beckys thing, how would that impact her, she would be faced with the reality that you had a secret life, that she knew nothing about, and if she finds out others knew and she didn't she would be faced with the fact that you trusted others with that aspect of your life and not her, don't you think that would do more damage than letting her know now while you can answer whatever questions and help her to better understand and accept you. of course she may leave you over it but at least she will be able to know exactly who she is married to, and everyone deserves that.

As far as tho who know and adopt a don't ask don't tell, that is not the same as keeping secrets, that is knowing but choosing not to discuss it, because at any time they can ask and know they will get an honest answer

Well Jane firstly I don't dress at home when she is out, I don't take risks and she know that at times I have had CDing desires. It came up many years ago when I had a 4 years hiatus when Becky left me.

Secondly, you say 'she may well leave me over it'. So you believe that two very happily married people should risk everything for the sake of not keeping a secret? Because she would be in a better place in her life knowing this?
BTW our marriage would not be over if I told her everything, but she would be very unhappy, concerned, stressed etc. etc. All things that she does not need in her life. telling her everything IMO would be a selfish act on my behalf.

Judy-Somthing

11-24-2016, 10:29 PM

I would love to tell my wife but I feel she would do her best to stop me from dressing.

I've been dressing for 50 years, as you can see in my photos I feel its part of who I am and I don't want anyone telling me it's wrong.

Michelle.J

11-26-2016, 01:42 AM

My wife saw me dressed once when I thought she wasn't home. She did not like it at all... I am not sure she can ever know the depths of my desires.

AnnaMarie

11-26-2016, 12:03 PM

My only question is how can you justify not telling her? Spouses should not have any secrets from each other, no matter what the consequences may be, spouses have a right to know the truth,
I couldn't disagree more. As my previous post, having now had the conversation several months ago I think my wife would have preferred not to know. Our normal man and wife relationship is no longer normal and although it's not talked about it's always there as something in the background. Sometimes for the sake of keeping a relationship and all the other positives you have together it's best not saying. For example I'm a firm believer that if you have kids they should have a mum and dad. Can you imagine if coming out with something like this split up the relationship? It's hardly good or fair for the kids is it? You need to take your actions and decisions based on your own relationship and not the outcome of others

KellyG123

11-26-2016, 12:48 PM

Even though I was recently put into DADT, I still feel that it was best to tell her. If I accidentally leave something out, or if I forget to close this window after and she finds it, it will lead to annoyance that she saw something but won't be the way she first finds out. I am glad I told her but wish I had taken it a little slower for her.

Lorileah

11-26-2016, 01:38 PM

I think my wife would have preferred not to know.

The old "ignorance is bliss defense." I hope you are never on the other end of that, it hurts....and it hurts a long time

Jenniferathome

11-26-2016, 03:08 PM

... having now had the conversation several months ago ...Our normal man and wife relationship is no longer normal and although it's not talked about it's always there as something in the background. ...

AnnaMarie, two things: 1) it's not normal "now." It can become "normal." 2) It will never be normal if you do not discuss it. It's out there. Open the conversation for her. Allow her to express her fears, concerns, and misconceptions without anger or defense.

AnnaMarie

11-27-2016, 04:58 PM

The old "ignorance is bliss defense." I hope you are never on the other end of that, it hurts....and it hurts a long time
I have been on the other end of it twice before and yes it does hurt but when your other half says she'd have preferred not to know it does get you thinking. Like I've said before we all are different with no one route to any form of acceptance or even tolerance.

AnnaMarie, two things: 1) it's not normal "now." It can become "normal." 2) It will never be normal if you do not discuss it. It's out there. Open the conversation for her. Allow her to express her fears, concerns, and misconceptions without anger or defense.
Thanks Jennifer, but how many times do you think I should open the conversation? I want her to ask questions, I want to talk about, but clearly she won't and a wall goes up at the first mention of it. For some people I guess it can't become normal, for some it can. She has expressed her fears and now won't talk about it, ever, end of. I'm sure there are those that are lucky who's SO will at least have a conversation about it. There are of course others who won't.

Becky Blue

11-27-2016, 05:11 PM

I believe that there is no right or wrong answer to this conundrum. Any relationship between 2 people is unique in its own way. I can relate to what Annamarie is saying. The little bit I have told my wife has not added any value to her or our relationship, yes it has softened a future blow in the unlikely event I have to go further and need to tell her. But at the end of the day i did that for my own slightly selfish purposes not to benefit her at all.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but who says a relationship cannot thrive in spite of one party carrying a secret?

I do not agree that the reason we should be telling our spouses is because we will probably get caught one day and then the lies etc will be even worse. Firstly lots of people who get caught take unnecessary risks and secondly consider that perhaps the knowing is a lot more upsetting than the feeling of being lied to by some spouses. Perhaps a wife will understand why her CDing husband did not tell her and perhaps that lie is not a huge deal for some people.

Jenniferathome

11-27-2016, 05:28 PM

...Thanks Jennifer, but how many times do you think I should open the conversation? I want her to ask questions, I want to talk about, but clearly she won't and a wall goes up at the first mention of it. ...

I don't know the number, but "periodically" seems best. The problem with not talking about it is that neither of you know where the other stands. Maybe she does want to talk about i but can't get the words out or doesn't know how to ask things without hurting you? Maybe you need something like this, "Honey, I think you are not too keen about my cross dressing but it's real and it's part of me, and I think we need to talk about it. Would you prefer to talk with a counselor with me?"

BLUE ORCHID

11-27-2016, 08:46 PM

Hi Becky:hugs:, The longer you wait the harder it gets...:daydreaming:...

AnnaMarie

11-28-2016, 09:40 AM

I don't know the number, but "periodically" seems best. The problem with not talking about it is that neither of you know where the other stands. Maybe she does want to talk about i but can't get the words out or doesn't know how to ask things without hurting you? Maybe you need something like this, "Honey, I think you are not too keen about my cross dressing but it's real and it's part of me, and I think we need to talk about it. Would you prefer to talk with a counselor with me?"

I don't see the need for a counselor and would make this a bigger issue than it really is. Not everyone needs someone to intervene in their relationship when things get slightly tough. It's quite black and white, my wife wants nothing to do with it. She knows and accepts I do it but doesn't like it. There is more to our relationship than this and she's happy to compartmentalise this part of it, hence not wanting to enter into any further dialogue about it. Is it healthy this way? Who can say, but I do know if I bring this up in a week, a month, a year the answer will still be the same, it's not something she wishes to discuss. We have a framework in place which works and although the dynamics of our relationship have changed since I told her, had I not have had the conversation in the first place it would have made things easier for her. All I managed to do by telling her is release some of my guilt for doing it behind her back. Which is hardly fair on her especially when she says she would have preferred not to have known. Which brings me back to my original post in that it's NOT right for everyone to tell their partner and it should be based on individual circumstances of which no one but the couple involved can decide as they know each other better than anyone else. One size does certainly not fit all and there is no one route to acceptance and we have to accept that acceptance sometimes doesn't happen!

Becky Blue

11-28-2016, 04:36 PM

Judy-Somthing

11-28-2016, 07:15 PM

When I told my wife in January that I thought putting on a dress would be fun, she freaked.
I told her I dress up quite often for years and sometimes some friends and I would dress up and walk around town.
I also reminded her of the three Halloweens I dressed up

Well she didn't want to talk about it anymore, she could hardly look at me. She told me not to tell anyone about my desires.
Two months later we were watching something on TV and she said if she knew I liked dressing up in women's clothing she would have never married me.

Well that was nine months ago and we haven't talked about it since.

Miss Judy is in the closet.

Becky Blue

11-28-2016, 07:26 PM

Teresa

11-28-2016, 07:54 PM

Jane,
It really isn't as simple as that, I told my wife after twenty years of marriage , she was OK for a couple of weeks and then the DADT wall went up, it got to the situation where I felt so rejected and unloved I nearly ended my life. twenty years on I'm still in a DADT situation and just have to work round it, she doesn't want to see me so there are things she will never know about, I really want to be open and honest with her so I have to live a double life. I'm afraid if I'm dressed and something happens to me then that's how it is. She knows where my things are and my children and their partners know about my CDing , I have done all I can to be as open and honest but despite Lorileah's comment they may have preferred not to know.

The other point about withholding things, our partners aren't totally innocent of that one, I wish my wife had been more honest about certain aspects of our relationship and her needs.

AnneMarie,
Counselling eventually was the only way I could put the message across to my wife of exactly where I am on the TG road and what my needs are. At one point we did nearly separate because of the gap between her acceptance and my needs but we realised too many people were going to be hurt so we came to a compromise, I do go out now socially, she's OK now with that now we've got over the hurdle of me not being gay . I feel the situation now is as good as it gets, she still has a husband and a father to the children which I'm OK with but I do get to shop and go out as Teresa once a month, and dress at home when she's out.

AnnaMarie

11-29-2016, 02:31 AM

AnnaMarie, sorry to hear about your situation, hopefully the issue will stay in the background and the damage is minor in the scheme of things and you will continue to have a good and happy relationship.

Your situation is exactly what I was talking about and pretty much exactly why I have decided (at this stage) not to tell my wife more than the little bit I have so far. It would seem that if you had been able to offer your wife a choice she would have selected the don't share your secret with me option.

In MY opinion you should drop the subject and wait until she brings it up (If ever) and then let her ask anything she wants and of course be totally honest in your answers. If she doesn't bring it up - to me thats a signal that its not troubling her THAT much, which is not a signal that its ok.
The subject has been dropped for now. She knows if she wants to ask anything she can do but I won't bring the subject up anymore. She knows where my femme wardrobe is if she wants to see it. I've been completely open about all this but it's not something that she wants to discuss further and we are a couple that discusses things.

When I told my wife in January that I thought putting on a dress would be fun, she freaked.
I told her I dress up quite often for years and sometimes some friends and I would dress up and walk around town.
I also reminded her of the three Halloweens I dressed up

Well she didn't want to talk about it anymore, she could hardly look at me. She told me not to tell anyone about my desires.
Two months later we were watching something on TV and she said if she knew I liked dressing up in women's clothing she would have never married me.

Well that was nine months ago and we haven't talked about it since.

Miss Judy is in the closet.

Judy, the thing that hurt me most - 'if I'd have known when we met we probably wouldn't have still been together, but I love you now'

AnneMarie,
Counselling eventually was the only way I could put the message across to my wife of exactly where I am on the TG road and what my needs are. At one point we did nearly separate because of the gap between her acceptance and my needs but we realised too many people were going to be hurt so we came to a compromise, I do go out now socially, she's OK now with that now we've got over the hurdle of me not being gay . I feel the situation now is as good as it gets, she still has a husband and a father to the children which I'm OK with but I do get to shop and go out as Teresa once a month, and dress at home when she's out.
I have a wonderful family Teresa, and although I do have needs with this, my family, without question will always take priority in anything I do. My needs don't really come into the equation when I think about my family and their happiness and wellbeing. I can see however where this would work for some couples. I don't think for us.

Jessica1983

11-29-2016, 02:38 AM

AnnaMarie

11-29-2016, 05:39 AM

Sorry to say this I told my wife about 3 years ago and it's been a struggle ever since and as of yesterday we are no longer together it definitely ended my marriage we were very happy before

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry to be a downer but for some it makes it better they go shopping and share it all but for the unlucky ones it can end it all

Really sorry to hear that Jessica. We hear so many positive why you should tell stories that morally yes you should say something, but reality is sometimes something completely different. Like in your case. :(

Jessica1983

11-29-2016, 12:16 PM

Hi thanks just got to get my self together now

Becky Blue

11-29-2016, 08:14 PM

So very sad for you Jessica, hopefully you will look back on this one day from a much happier place.

Telling the SO can be the best outcome for some marriages, but for others it can be a disaster.

DIANEF

11-29-2016, 08:22 PM

Jessica, so sorry to hear what's happened. I'm facing the dilema of telling or not, I know I should, but yours is a cautionary tale.

Becky Blue

12-01-2016, 01:24 AM

Jessica, so sorry to hear what's happened. I'm facing the dilema of telling or not, I know I should, but yours is a cautionary tale.

I am interested to hear why you think you should tell and why you have not so far.

DIANEF

12-01-2016, 05:06 AM

H Becky, I was all set to do the big reveal to my wife, was waiting for my son to leave home and when my wife and I decide on our future once there's just the two of us, that was the time. However, I have seen a number of stories recently where things havn't gone well, Jessicas' story being a case in point. I have a lot to lose and little to gain if we did split for any reason. Fact is I just don't know how my wife would react to finding out my secret. W've been together 30 years and got this far reasonably happily. I know I should tell, but I look at what we have and the thought of losing it all is frankly terrifying. She might be okay with it, she might just think I'm a monster, I really can't predict which. So, right now my mind is in turmoil and I'm not sure what to do. Hope my ramblings answer your question.
Diane.

Jen92

12-01-2016, 07:36 AM

After telling my wife a year or so ago for me it remains very positive. When shopping online for clothes she now offers the computer to me in case I want to order anything (girlie). She is completely chilled about it and I think she feels finds my vulnerability about CDing, and honesty about my feelings, quite attractive. We have a trip planned to London early next year. I have asked how she'd feel about us going out together for one night with me dressed. I asked her to think about before making any decision but would respect a no answer if she wants a traditional weekend away. The point being my success has always been about being totally considerate to her feelings and for the dressing to be a small and good part of our otherwise normal traditional lives. In the bedroom she's fine with my dressing too. But no make up/wig for sex. My advice is definitely to try to introduce it gradually (e.g. lingerie) to gauge her feelings rather than a big reveal. If ok with underwear or whatever then that will provide any indication as to her attitude / openess to such issues. If you are a poor husband / partner then I doubt any SO would be delighted with such a disclosure. I had the awful dilemma as to open up or not, I just regret I didn't do so earlier. We are closer now as a result.

Jane277

12-01-2016, 07:58 AM

Krisi

12-01-2016, 08:41 AM

................, your cding should have been discussed before you got married, they have every right to know exactly who they were marrying, so they could choose whether or not they wanted to continue the relationship. sorry but that has and always been my stance on marriage. Total openness, and honesty. Me and my wife even wrote that into our vows 20,years ago. Just my 2 cents.

That's fine for some, but for others, the urge to crossdress has come later in life after we have been married for some time. It doesn't work to make a blanket statement or "rule" for everyone.

AnnaMarie

12-01-2016, 09:39 AM

To those who disagree and say telling nearly cost you your marriage, your spouses have every right to be hurt, angry, and want to leave, your cding should have been discussed before you got married, they have every right to know exactly who they were marrying, so they could choose whether or not they wanted to continue the relationship. sorry but that has and always been my stance on marriage. Total openness, and honesty. Me and my wife even wrote that into our vows 20,years ago. Just my 2 cents.

Sorry, but that's a one sided blind statement. There are any number of reasons you may wish to keep this from your SO. It doesn't mean you aren't being honest, rude or whatever you'd like to call it. I told my wife after around 10 years of marriage. We are happy and we are very much still together. CDing isn't discussed and we are very DADT. There are many reasons I didn't tell her which are personal to our circumstances. There are also many times I've wanted to tell her but our current outcome is probably the best that I could have hoped for. The reason I say that is because I know my wife more than anyone else does - and that includes anyone on this forum. Sorry to be harsh about it and I'm not singling you out Jane, but there is a general feeling on here that telling your SO is a 'must'. It isn't and only you can decide if your relationship can cope with what is almost certainly going to be a change in direction for you both.

Aunt Kelly

12-01-2016, 11:22 AM

Sorry, but that's a one sided blind statement. There are any number of reasons you may wish to keep this from your SO.

I believe that's a fair statement, but we should recognize that a secret like that, if it does come to light outside the context of a proactive disclosure ("Honey, we need to talk about something..."), it is likely to be even more traumatic or destructive. For that reason, I would always suggest early disclosure, even if, like many of us, it has only become a thing after many years in the relationship. In other words, I believe that honesty is the better bet, but a gamble it will always be.

Lucy23

12-01-2016, 02:52 PM

Reading this thread, it's not that I have anything to chip in, I just wanted to say that I feel sorry for everyone of you who has had such a bad experience telling your wifes.

Two months later we were watching something on TV and she said if she knew I liked dressing up in women's clothing she would have never married me.
I can't even imagine how you must have felt hurt when she said that... I'm really sorry for that.

Bonnie Chan

12-01-2016, 03:46 PM

My opinion is that the keys are 1) whether how much do you think your wife loves in your personality, not your physical attractiveness; Basically how close you and your wife are doing a lot of things together. And 2) when you disclose CDing, you need to show total honesty and tell her the reasons why you're so afraid of telling this to your wife earlier (mostly we're all scared of SO not able to accept this) so she understands from your perspective, then make an apology to her for having kept secret for so long and show how much you love her back regardless of your CDing hobby so that your wife knows everything's still the same. Basically be considerate of your wife feeling, and also let your wife knows your suffering feeling in the past too so she can connect to your sadness and could sympathize with you. (It may sound like an excuse but I think it's only fair for both you and your wife to have to be considerate with each other. If your wife is not considerate about your feeling then I think she's not a good wife for you to be honest.)

I honestly don't know what I would do if I start CDing after the marriage. But because from reading many opinions here, I had come to my own conclusion that it's for the best of me and my GF to talk about this before the marriage. When I decided to tell my GF I knew that my GF would likely be able to accept me for who I truly am because she's not really attracted to just my physical appearance but my personality too. We are so close that we do almost everything together like best friends. I knew how much we love each other and I assumed she know too and that's the whole reason I was betting on telling her my CDing. It's like a last trial test for our relationship to test how strong our loves are (and it ends well :)).

Just my 2 cents :)

- Bonnie

Becky Blue

12-01-2016, 11:55 PM

To those who disagree and say telling nearly cost you your marriage, your spouses have every right to be hurt, angry, and want to leave, your cding should have been discussed before you got married, they have every right to know exactly who they were marrying, so they could choose whether or not they wanted to continue the relationship. sorry but that has and always been my stance on marriage. Total openness, and honesty. Me and my wife even wrote that into our vows 20,years ago. Just my 2 cents.

Jane firstly as others have said for most of us things change when I got married I did not have Becky, i did not feel any strong urges to dress etc... the fact that I had occasionally put on an item of female clothing was of little relevance at that time. Things changed almost 20 years after marriage, suddenly telling isn't THAT simple.

Secondly as you put it so well, to you and your wife CLEARLY total openness and honesty is paramount. For other couples perhaps that is less important. Perhaps respect of the others feelings ranks higher than openness for some and perhaps sparing her the pain of knowing something that will upset her for little gain is more important.

- - - Updated - - -

I believe that's a fair statement, but we should recognize that a secret like that, if it does come to light outside the context of a proactive disclosure ("Honey, we need to talk about something..."), it is likely to be even more traumatic or destructive. For that reason, I would always suggest early disclosure, even if, like many of us, it has only become a thing after many years in the relationship. In other words, I believe that honesty is the better bet, but a gamble it will always be.

Kelly, surely it depends on each couple's unique dynamic? Perhaps for some having 30 years of blissful ignorance followed by the trauma of discovery is a better option than a lifetime of disappointment? Not saying either is better I am saying not everyone is the same.

Abbey11

12-02-2016, 01:38 AM

Hi Becky, I can SOOOoo empathise with you on this, I'm in exactly the same situation, I outlined this in a previous post earlier this year.
Hope all goes well for you
Hugs
Abbey x

Aunt Kelly

12-02-2016, 10:17 AM

Kelly, surely it depends on each couple's unique dynamic? Perhaps for some having 30 years of blissful ignorance followed by the trauma of discovery is a better option than a lifetime of disappointment?

Yes, but... This assumes that honesty will result in "thirty years of disappointment". As I said, it's a gamble. For me, knowing who I was made sharing it with my then-new girlfriend, as soon as things turned serious, an easy choice. Not easy to actually say, OMG no, but clearly the only way to go. If Kelly had come along only last year, the calculus would be substantially different.

Becky Blue

12-03-2016, 12:18 AM

kelly, I don't assume "30 years of disappointment" I know. When you spend your life with someone you get to know them pretty well and you can be fairly confident of knowing what their response will be to this kind of thing.

Telling a girlfriend at the get go no matter how much you may love them is a low risk option, what is the worst thing that can happen? they dump you. When this kind of feelings develop later and you have vested years into a marriage and children etc etc the stakes are a LOT higher and a LOT more caution is required as the worst case scenario is a lot worse.

Aunt Kelly

12-03-2016, 10:51 AM

When this kind of feelings develop later and you have vested years into a marriage and children etc etc the stakes are a LOT higher and a LOT more caution is required as the worst case scenario is a lot worse.
This is part of what I have been saying. I am just adding that in such a scenario, one must factor in the delta between damage done by "Honey, we need to talk about something," and an inadvertent discovery.

Becky Blue

12-03-2016, 11:12 PM

This is part of what I have been saying. I am just adding that in such a scenario, one must factor in the delta between damage done by "Honey, we need to talk about something," and an inadvertent discovery.

There is also the direct relationship between taking risks and the likelihood of being discovered. I know of at least 2 girls who took some serious risks and of course got caught. On reflection both actually outed themselves.

Easy to say, but I take very few risks and as such i believe the chances of an inadvertent discovery are low. Of couse there is always a chance like any risk reward scenario.

Jane277

12-04-2016, 01:04 PM

Becky- please clarify something,
Are you Loking for advice on how or should, you tell your wife, or justification for hiding it from her?

Becky Blue

12-04-2016, 05:45 PM

Becky- please clarify something,
Are you Loking for advice on how or should, you tell your wife, or justification for hiding it from her?

Good question Jane, neither, let me explain...
I posted the OP to get some good discussion going that is clearly on a pretty relevant topic. I have been at this 'game' so to speak for a long time, read a lot of books and articles and spoken to many many others in our world and spent countless hours thinking about my life with regards to gender. I was hoping (and got) a whole range of opinions and we generated some great conversations.

I am very comfortable with my decision to date and do not need to justify it to anyone. No one knows my relationship with my wife better than I do, particularly people on an internet forum who have never met us. I posted my story knowing some would judge me and I am perfectly ok with that.

I like to think of myself as an intelligent thinking person and as such was very interested in hearing other people's views and of course some of the posts made me think and challenged my thoughts on the topic, which is again part of why i posted in the first place.

I may be wrong but I am feeling a bit of negativity from you about my decision based on your various posts in this thread. Clearly to you honesty is a bedrock of your marriage (as you said you actually put it in your vows) and clearly that is what is important to you and your wife. But please don't judge my marriage by your standards, I put my wife's happiness ABOVE honesty for the sake of being honest.

Jane277

12-04-2016, 07:53 PM

Thank you for clarifying your op for me

I may be wrong but I am feeling a bit of negativity from you about my decision based on your various posts in this thread. Clearly to you honesty is a bedrock of your marriage (as you said you actually put it in your vows) and clearly that is what is important to you and your wife. But please don't judge my marriage by your standards, I put my wife's happiness ABOVE honesty for the sake of being honest.

If by negativity you mean I disagree with you (or anyone's) decision to keep it from there spouse, then you are correct, I do not agree with that decision, but that's your decision to make not mine. I do not judge you or anyone or their relationships, because I am not perfect nor is my marriage and I don't want people judging me or my marriage. You wanted a discussion, and I gave my opinion based on my values, and that is all. If I came across any other way I apologize as that was not my intention. I was raised that, it is better to be upset with the truth, than to be made happy with a lie. I know that not everyone agrees with that and that is ok, that is what makes for a great discussion

Becky Blue

12-04-2016, 09:49 PM

Jane, all cool luckily we are all different, the world would be very boring if we were all the same. I think I may have mentioned earlier in the thread that my wife has actually said that she does not see why in a healthy marriage either party can have some secrets. Naturally she is not talking about affairs or anything that breaks the marriage vows but she (as do i) do believe that somethings are best left unsaid.

Now of course that opens me up to the charge that Becky is highly relevant and therefore is not in the category of a secret, which whilst is a valid point I am of the view that whilst Becky is of course highly relevant to me, sharing that information will not enhance my wife's life one iota.

I also for the record want to add that I am not saying I will never tell my wife, I am saying that I won't tell my wife unless my 'T' feelings change.

Teresa

12-05-2016, 01:55 AM

Jane,
As others have said it just isn't as easy as that, it's not making excuses we all have different circumstances !

I feel it's wrong to brow beat other CDers with the honesty issue, it nearly cost me my life so piling on the guilt over something we can't change inside is not right.

I've also made the point before that our partners haven't always been totally honest with us, I'm not saying it's a tit for tat argument . When your wife /partner says they just want the man she married sometimes we may have to bite our tongue but also may like the woman we married , I appreciate to say that is going to hurt her more , so we allow ourselves to be treated like punch bags . Entering marriage shouldn't mean giving up our rights .

EffyJaspers

12-05-2016, 04:02 AM

I read somewhere that if you* make decisions by flipping a coin an odd number of times and you don't like the outcome, you wanted the other option to happen in your conscious. This can likely lead to you creating extra rounds or back-up steps that will either cancel out the outcome and make you flip again or be 'extra' unlikely to follow the outcome's decision.
- Even when we put our minds to doing something that we deem 'scary' the flight mode behavior can take over in multiple ways by simply having us nervously avoid the person to us sitting down with them to watch tv which we usually never do and then say nothing anyways. And we regret opening our mouths in random intervals, like we were holding our breathe the whole time, to eventually not say anything. --- or at least that has been me a few times.
While chatting with us to help/distract/delay you from this decision I would recommend coming up with two similar situations about other things. (for example your predicament is whether you should say more to your wife considering you told/mentioned her stuff from your original post. Situation 1) a man's family is starving, should he steal bread, even though it is wrong? Situation 2) A catholic man is dying and if he wants to get into heaven he must confess his sins and be forgiven, but he is a paralyzed john doe victim with no access to communicate to others (and it's ridiculous but he can't get forgiveness without actually talking with a priest supposedly). Withholding any recovery can he get into heaven? WITH THESE cliche... and stupid examples, you could work with each one on the ups/downs/grey areas on the answer. The closer you get to a finite answer with every possibility the more clear your reasoning with telling your wife should be.)
----- I just thought of calculus and taking the limit to find out of the answer converges or diverges <---- Ex. Taking the limit as n goes from 1 to infinity of the equation (23n^3+2n^2+1)/(4n^3) = 23/4, eventually you would find that out through math. You went through infinite reasoning and solutions to come to a simple conclusion of 23/4 or for your 'solution' it would become either yes I should tell her fully or no I should keep it hidden (there is also conditional convergence or absolute (like i should tell her some or I should tell her all)).

My suggestions here are brow beating similarly hard questions and through them coming up with hopefully a finite solution instead of spinning in circles. They could also make your wiser in the end too with all the critical thinking you were doing.

Jane277

12-05-2016, 07:16 AM

Teresa

12-05-2016, 09:02 AM

Jane,
Maybe you should have made it clear that your reply fitted your personal circumstances.

I used the word right to mean it was incorrect not a violation of someone's rights.

As for your statement about being forthright with the truth and not misleading someone with a lie, you can tell the truth with tact and not with a sledghammer !

Yes it can be a difficult decision at times, you can hurt someone by not teling them something and you still hurt them by doing so. Speaking from my own personal situation but I'm sure others may agree , I know I'm in a no win situation . If I hadn't come out to my wife at all and the first thing to find out was I am going out to meet others socially dressed as a woman, I'm sure it would have given her a heart attack. At the same time because of DADT I can only go so far with the truth I guess that's the situation Becky is in.

Becky,
Just to remind me does your wife know nothing of your dressing or are you in a DADT situation ? I ask because does she have some of the truth but you are withholding details that you feel will upset her too much ?

Becky Blue

12-05-2016, 04:47 PM

Becky,
Just to remind me does your wife know nothing of your dressing or are you in a DADT situation ? I ask because does she have some of the truth but you are withholding details that you feel will upset her too much ?

Teresa, in a nutshell, I only 'found' Becky about 16 years into our marriage. Prior to that was a very occasional CD (sexual turn on yadda yadda) so nothing was ever said prior. Then Becky emerged and I realised I was more than a CD that went for around 3 years and I came close to telling her, but did not due to various reasons (not relevant to my story) things going on in our lives.

Then I lost Becky for almost 4 years when ALL CD/TG feelings left me. About 3 years into that phase it kind of came up in conversation so I told her that I used to have urges to dress and that those urges had gone for 3 years (total truth), she did not ask if I had dressed, only the usual are you gay questions etc. I think she concluded it was some kind of panties fetish and it was left as that. When Becky came back I decided that I would not tell her as per all the reasons I have stated in my OP and posts thereafter. So as far as she knows 8 or so years ago for a while I had urges to dress. So she does know a little bit, but its most definitely a DADT situation because if she was concerned about it she would have asked me again if I got those feelings. Hope that clarifies.

Jane if you read your OP the tone is quite negative and judgemental that is why people are picking up on what you said, your later post does clarify your meaning but if you reread the OP I think you will understand.

Teresa

12-05-2016, 07:52 PM

Becky,
Thanks for that , I've should have taken the trouble to read your previous threads.
I do recall making the comment that it must be difficult for you to come out only to find you're on an ebb with your CDing. I guess I find that difficult to understand because mine is a constant need, that's why I just had to come out to my wife and finally my family . I still don't know where that constant need is going to lead me, it's why I haven't made any promises to my wife that I can't keep.

I can't say I'd recommend getting to the point of talking about a separation as I did, the only point is that's when the real talking starts and the true values of what you have are on the table. I must admit we were discussing and making plans in a calm way, at that point I think my wife was resigned to bringing the pain we were both feeling to an end but we both realised that so many people were going to be hurt for our actions and neither of us could say we would be any happier.
I'm sorry it's gone into DADT so much again, because I'm back to working on assumptions again, which is something my first counsellor tried to bring to an end.

On the plus side she accepts me going out socially and doesn't interfere with my things, she knows where they are and she knows I shop because we negotiated an allowance. That may sound a little controlling but to me it's not a bad thing I promised her my dressing wasn't going to cost a fortune and it's a good way for me keep it in balance.

I do think what I have now is as good as it gets, I have changed and she knows that, after so long she finally accepts part of me is female, I also admitted I do enjoy it .

Becky Blue

12-06-2016, 01:15 AM

I still don't know where that constant need is going to lead me, it's why I haven't made any promises to my wife that I can't keep.

A very good point you make Teresa and another reason why I decided not to tell, I do not have the answer to the most obvious that a wife would ask after being told. So what does this mean? What do you want? my answer would be I don't know!

Andrea2656

12-06-2016, 01:24 AM

My experience is that not telling can be very damaging to your relationship with your wife. If the question is going to be "what does this mean" and the answer is "I don't know". This is a fine answer. Add "I don't know, we will figure it out together"

AnnaMarie

12-06-2016, 06:29 AM

I'm not sure even that would be a suitable answer as it's quite an open response. If your wife is open to the dressing idea than this could be ok. If not then all this is going to lead to is a lot more insecurity in the relationship.

Becky Blue, I'm in total agreement with you regarding your stance on this. I think you need to know where you are going before you can even bring others in to this. It wouldn't be the most constructive to say 'well I'm just a crossdresser' to find out 12 months down the line you want more than this. By this point the trust element that was already undermined would be shattered completely.

Not saying anything and being found out is always going to be a break of trust but if you yourself don't know where it's going to go the last thing you want to do is shatter trust, build it up for it to be broken again.

Becky Blue

12-06-2016, 07:40 PM

Aunt Kelly

12-06-2016, 07:46 PM

1. Everything.
2. n/a (interesting question, though)

AnnaMarie

12-07-2016, 01:49 AM

Good points AnnaMarie in the absence of information people will make up the missing bits to suit their own feelings and views.

So I would like to hear some HONEST answers from those of you who HAVE told their SO's. A few questions:

1. When you told your SO did you tell them everything the full depths of your feelings? Or did you hold back and perhaps play it down based on their reaction or otherwise?
2. Those in DADT situations what have you done/would you do if your feelings towards your gender change slightly. For example when you told your SO the 100% truth you were a CD who simply liked to wear woman's clothing on occasion. SO accepts but doesn't embrace and you are now in a DADT situation. Fast forward a bit and your feelings start changing and perhaps the urge to dress grows or you start wanting to take the girl further... do you update your DADT SO or keep your feelings to yourself?

1. Everything except that I have a female name. I wrote it all in a letter and read it to her late one evening. Answering all the questions I knew she was going to ask. Even mentioned where I kept my things, I wear makeup etc etc.

2. Things have changed for me but I know my wife wants nothing to do with Anna and I believe mentioning more would only compound things more. Although things have changed for me, my feelings towards my wife and kids only deepen and they are the most important part of my life. If asked I will talk about things again but after trying to bring up the subject numerous times I know she doesn't want to talk about it. Although things have escalated for me, with my current family situation I put their happiness above mine in this respect. So no, unless asked, the subject won't be brought up again

Becky Blue

12-07-2016, 07:19 PM

Although things have changed for me, my feelings towards my wife and kids only deepen and they are the most important part of my life.

Wow AnnaMarie I find that not only very interesting but scary as i have experienced the exact same thing, the stronger my Becky feelings (as i call them) are the more loving towards my wife and kids I feel, maybe we are experiencing some kind of nurturing feminine primeval feeling.

Becky Blue

12-18-2016, 10:19 PM

Having reread this thread I have a question for those of you in the DADT group as follows:
If since telling your DADT spouse your feelings intensify or change in any way, did you reopen the discussion? and if not at what stage would you feel it appropriate to update them?

Alice B

12-21-2016, 02:12 PM

I hnave always felt that honesty is the best answer. I have posted this before, but here is what I did. I did an extensive internet search on cross dressing. Found articles that had sections that applied to what I thought and where I wanted it to go and where I did not want to go. Printed them out, highlighted the applicable parts and then sat down with my wife. Told her what I was feeling and gave her the material to read. Then a few days later we sat down, discussed it and set boundries. Over the years acceptance grew and more freedoms were added. In time our entire combined familys were informed, with accpetance from all. This is tough to do, but if you are serious about dressing telling her is far better tahn her finding out the wrong and hard way.

Becky Blue

12-23-2016, 12:31 AM

Alice, the route you took was inline with the way that you knew gave you the best chance of a positive outcome with your wife. I have chosen my route with the same thought in mind. For example if I gave my wife a pile of material to read that would be a disastrous route for me, if I were to tell her it would be face to face with no material. In my case if she found out the wrong way one day, that will be less than ideal, but still better than upsetting her needlessly at this or some earlier stage. My point is our relationships with our SO's are all different.

I am still waiting for some brave people in DADT situations to tell us what they tell their wives when something changes.. in fact maybe I will start a new thread on that topic.

mykell

12-23-2016, 06:47 AM

for me this helped with my DADT conundrum, felt it may still be relevant, http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...!!!&highlight=
so technically im not in a DADT anymore, we have conversations, brief ones but i dont sneak anymore and never wanted to assume i could do as i please...

kkaye

12-23-2016, 09:48 PM

I debated to tell or not to tell a little to long. She found some of my CD media in my computer. I gave her hints from day one of my love of makeup and a former neighbor had outed me about dressing up. It was not a total surprise but, I recommend that if you have not plans on stopping. Find a way to tell her or brace her for the day she find out. My SO is living with it in her own way. I do not dress around her, I do not hide my clothes or makeup and it is just kind of over looked and ignored by her. But she tend to not get it She does not know the difference between a cross dresser , tranny, transsexual or drag queen and due to her lack of knowledge and inability to comprehend this, we just let it be.

mona lisa

12-25-2016, 06:30 PM

Jessica's answer makes me wonder if its ever a good idea to tell my wife.

Becky Blue

12-29-2016, 12:51 AM

Lisa, in my opinion its never simple and everyone is different every relationship is unique and if you are going to tell make sure its for the right reason.

nikkiwindsor

12-29-2016, 02:50 PM

I'm just happy I told my wife early in our relationship before we were married. I don't have any good advice for those who are already married and their SO doesn't know.

Becky Blue

02-09-2017, 01:18 AM

I have dragged this thread back from page 10, due to the rather heated other thread about CDGTOW. This thread contains a lot of posts from members who are in happy DADT marriages. That thread seems to have quite a few posts from people who are unhappy in their DADT situations and feel trapped.

So my current question is how many of you in DADT marriages/relationships would have done things differently if they could travel back in time?

Lacey New

02-09-2017, 06:30 AM

There was a time early in my marriage when I thought I could broach the subject of crossdressing with her so I tried a few teasers. Periodically, I would put on a pair of her panties, typically just before bed and open my bathrobe and say "Is this how I have to get into you pants?" Every time, she said Eeeewwww - take those off. Finally she told me not to do it again. At that point, I knew that any further discussion would be fruitless. So, I made a decision. I will stay in the closet. I dress when I can and enjoy those moments but I am OK with the compromise I have made. I have my little space and time and still have a happy marriage.

Elizabeth G

02-09-2017, 07:59 AM

My current situation is very fluid. My wife found out about my dressing fairly recently and we are slowly working our way through things. DADT is very likely going to be the outcome.

What I would have done differently is simple - I would have told her myself and it would have been much sooner. As it stands now our biggest issue is the feeling of deceit that my wife feels. Due to the way things played out she was unable to make an informed decision so now we are forced into a situation of negotiation and I'm not in the best position to do so.

Meghan4now

02-09-2017, 08:23 AM

Becky,

That I'd a fair question, but it really is if I knew then what I know now. Just traveling back in time would probably do nothing. I would still be the person I was then, warts and all.

I've thought about this. Should I have been more forthwith? More open? Perhaps. But at the time my outlook was different. My experience was different. My own denial was different. Yes, I think it MAY have been better and fairer to my wife. On the other hand we were pretty happy then, and CDING was more of a minor side road on the highway of life. And I may not have had the great years and experiences, and children I have now. But then again maybe something equally wonderful would have happened.

I've come to the conclusion that was happened, happened. What is important is where are you going now.

Teresa

02-09-2017, 08:47 AM

Becky,
My answer is similar to AnnaMarie in 108#. When I was seeing a gender cousellor I wrote it all down, to help her and after for my wife to read, she glanced at a summary sheet and we had a reasonable discussion about it. So she knows we do have a gap between my needs and her acceptance level .We nearly separated over the issues but came to a compromise , so I get to go out socially dressed and fairly openly shop in drab.
In hindsight perhaps we should have parted when I first came out to her twenty years ago but we had so much going on in our lives that we just soldiered on, so I went from being totally in the closet to DADT . The problem with DADT is the goal posts keep moving , at one time my wife said she was OK with me dressing around the house, that decision lasted 24 hours.
At the moment I am struggling and desperately want more, we have discussed this in a PM so you know more of the facts.

Tamsin Secret

02-09-2017, 09:06 AM

Lacey #119 this is how I remember reactions from my SO when either I have ever (and it's rare) asked a silly question about dressing or commented on what we see on TV from time to time. I just get the feeling she would not be able to comprehend it all. On the flip side though she is, by nature, a very understanding person and displays all levels of love and support for her friends/family.

I suppose this is where the risk is. I'm not any of them, I'm her husband the person she turns to when she needs help/love /support.

I have asked myself what the reasons are for wanting to tell and I have listed them below. They are not in any particular order:

I'm keeping secrets
I would love her support
I feel lonely
I want to share
Guilt
Hate her to find out from anyone else but me
I'm doing nothing wrong
I feel it's the right thing to do

Another thought I have been having is will I still have the same urges if I tell her and she (in an ideal world) accepts it to whatever degree. I will agree that if I do it now I always will but at the moment it has that extra adrelanin rush as it is a secret.

Just thinking out loud so sorry if it rambled on a bit,

X

XemmaX

02-09-2017, 10:51 AM

always tell the earlier the better and good luck!

Teresa

02-09-2017, 02:26 PM

MissSecret,
For me after I'd come out to my wife it made me feel so close to her, possibly because after so many years I could finally share it with her. The hiding and secrets, feeling ashamed and guilty would all be behind me. As you say I was doing nothing wrong, but I'm afraid I totally broke down and sobbed my heart out . So she knew something was deeply wrong but gradually the DADT wall went up and I went down very quickly with feelings of being unloved and rejected. It's taken me another twenty years and two separate sessions of counselling to get where I am now but it's still far from an ideal situation but at least all the family know and I get to go out socially . She still doesn't want to know or see me, she just says she only wants the man she married, we both know he's long gone .

Tamsin Secret

02-09-2017, 03:22 PM

Teresa,

I'm sorry to hear it's not as good as you may of hoped for and to be honest is a sobering thought when I consider what the outcome could be for me should I choose to tell.

The question is although I carry all these questions with me and their associated effects on my mantra I could, by telling, make things worse not only for myself but also those I love most.

I'm not going to sugarcoat my CD tendancies with tales of how I'm more of a CD than anyone else because quite frankly I don't think I am. Sure I started dressing when I was V young but couldn't tell you why to this day either. I get a huge thrill out of how I look when I dress wether it from simply being in a pair of heels or as this phase has taken me to fully dressed with some make up play and venturing outside. But, and this is where I wouldn't want to be judged, I couldn't tell for definite that if I did confide in the person I love the most that it wouldn't have the opposite effect and it slowed the dressing down.

Again I'm thinking out loud but I suppose the point is that telling could be the best or worst thing I ever or never do.

Becky Blue

02-09-2017, 06:35 PM

Lacey, has your wife ever mentioned it since? In my experience if women are concerned about something it tends to come up in conversation eventually.

Elizabeth, did your wife find out my mistake? what was her reaction?

Meghan, its that classic problem if I knew then what I know now.... that is exactly my issue, because Becky only emerged after more than 15 years of marriage, at what stage does one decide to tell (if ever)

Teresa, you are in a tough spot, DADT can be a major issue if your feelings intensify.

MissSecret, i feel for you, the risk with telling is you can't untell, once it is said you are then dealing with the consequences of that action, not something to do lightly.

Emma, of course you are entitled to your view, but relationships are complex and sometimes keeping a secret is the better option for some people.

I agree 100% MissSecret, I am caught in the same situation, I have told my wife a little bit, but for a range of reasons have chosen not to tell more. On one level I would love to share, but at times I think I am being selfish and as I am happily living with my duality and why do I need to bring unnecessary pain and suffering to her life?

Judy-Somthing

02-09-2017, 09:51 PM

I'm kind of on the same boat.
About six weeks ago when my wife found my 3" sz. 13 pumps she asked what I was up to?

I told her I started dressing up when I was eight, dressed up with friends as a teen and now and then since we've been married.

I told her I would put on a dress and makeup.

She didn't tell me to get rid of anything but said she could imagine what the dresses look like.

We haven't talked about it since. I don't know if it's an official DADT but I think it is.

Stacy Darling

02-09-2017, 11:02 PM

I should have joined and read the Forum earlier. I told my wife only 2 days ago. I was feeling Super confident and without putting a lot of thought into it, I let that Super confident Woman out.
I'm confident we'll get through this, but at the moment I'm emotionally and physically bruised and battered "Not so pretty now".

Hope to learn a lot from you Girls in the future. xxx

Becky Blue

02-09-2017, 11:38 PM

Stacy, I hope you get it all sorted out, can you share what happened?

Lacey New

02-10-2017, 06:29 AM

Becky @127 and MissSecret @123
The topic has come up from time to time, yes and I would test the waters agin. There have been several times that I have ben shopping with her in outlet malls and we would go into the Vanity Fair Outlet. I would point out the lace trimmed nylon briefs that I favor. So she would purchase a few pair and wear them but never drawing a connection that I might want to wear them as well. Also, when Caitlyn Jenner came out, my point of view was that it was harmless, it was his / her life and so what? Enjoy. Again, the reaction was - Well, it's just too weird.

Elizabeth G

02-10-2017, 01:25 PM

Elizabeth, did your wife find out my mistake? what was her reaction?

Hi Becky,

Yes, my wife found out by accident. We were about to leave on our way to meet friends and then go on a week long vacation. She went into my car to get my jacket when she found a bra that had fallen out of a bag earlier in the day. I had exactly three minutes to explain it to her before we met our friends, went to dinner, jumped on a plane etc. We had no private time to discuss the issue for about 18 hours during which time she had to act like there was nothing wrong.

We are very slowly working through this and I'm optimistic about our marriage, but it has been a strain. We have started seeing a therapist and I feel it has gone well so far. My gut feel at this point is that we'll likely end up in some form of DADT but at least she is now aware of my dressing and I don't stress about her finding my stash or when / how / if I should tell her.

The biggest issues for her are the deceit and the fact that she has now been thrust into the closet and has no one to talk to.

Please feel free to ask any questions you want - perhaps something good can come out of my experiences.

Beth

phili

02-12-2017, 11:26 AM

From my man training, I am sure every problem has a solution. This one does, too- but the solution is not the one we or our spouses want- more than the DADT solution we have. The structural problem is that two people can get married and have a pretty good life without actually sharing some deeply important things. We develop families and social networks that don't include our identities as we feel them in a more complete way. We have been doing this for years, so it is no surprise they would require highly disruptive changes to try to reset, with a negligible likelihood of success.

That said, we try, we go to counseling, we put out trial balloons to see if somehow our SO is softening her stance- and with few exceptions it doesn't work. The few exceptions give us hope, and we meter out our trial balloons according to our SO's willingness to see them. It is perfectly logical to give up and figure that we created a closet existence, and we have to live with that, uncomfortably, but the alternative is even more uncomfortable. Yet we will hope, every day, that something might change.

I've played some cards, like making up a story so that if the neighbors see me dressed they have a reason that seems normal enough, and it is defensible so my wife didn't make it into a point of all or nothing conflict. That said, she is depending on me not to inflict crossdressing on her except when I am desperate. I have promised and am trying to see if I can find other ways to satisfy the longings and that is making some bit of progress. I am honoring my commitment to her and if that requires some suffering I am ok with that. I have framed my crossdressing as gender experimentation, and I am trying different things to see what helps- what compromises aren't too bad, etc. What different factors surface to drive me back to crossdressing, etc. That is part of my commitment to her and I know enough not to make a single issue the basis for upending our life together. I'm also seeing that she is more vulnerable than I- it is so deeply upsetting to her that it makes crossdressing a very mixed blessing for me, and helps me appreciate the magnitude of the small acceptances she makes.