Mistake......told the wrong person I dress.

[savannaxdrsser]

I told one of my wife's girlfriends that I crossdress, I gave a brief history about myself and said that I have a strong feminine side that enjoys expressing itself by dressing. I felt that she would be understanding, and she appeared to be. She asked a few questions and even kidded me some by referring to me as Caitlyn. A later conversation though had her wanting to tell my wife, I said that I wanted to keep this from her and it didnt affect our relationship at all. A few weeks later, she told my wife and things got real sticky, I denied everything and said I was drinking, which I was, and made up the whole thing. Nothing I present is feminine, and wife and I are together a lot.

I feel terrible, both for the lie to her, to my wife and to denying my feminine side. I will work thru it, but im thinking others have had similar experiences. Writing about it helps!

Thanks!:battingeyelashes:

[Meghan4now]

That's a pretty big oops. Good luck with this. My suggestion is now that the cat's out of the bag, you need to be honest with your wife. From a practical perspective, I doubt seriously that you can maintain this front for long. The truth will come out.

Better for you if you control when and how. I predict that it will be painful though, so be ready. Not only do you have the whole CD issue, but now you've confided a major secret to someone, betraying your wifes confidence. That well could be a bigger issue.

[DIANEF]

Well there's a lesson learned! Did you wife believe you? and how come you could tell your wifes friend and not her. First off I'm not judgeing, as a closet dresser I have come very close to revealing my secret to someone who I thought I could trust but just managed to stop myself in time, Apart from those on this forum my wife will be the first to know. Hope things work out for you.

[greeneyes]

Could this possibly have been a way that you subconsciously chose...to tell your wife? I mean it was HER friend you told. Don't you think that now that she has heard that she will be looking around and realize it is true anyway? I think you should just tell her. I know easy for me to say? right? but won't it be worse when she catches you, or finds something of yours and realizes you lied to her?
Just a thought.
I see this as an opportunity, not a mistake.

[savannaxdrsser]

Thanks, I think things will work, but I cant tell my wife I dress, she is just not open to other life choices!

[Tracii G]

Telling the other woman and confiding in her over your wife was really a bad move.
Lying about it to your wife was the second bad move because now you will have to deal with the "how can I trust you anymore" feeling she might get because of your lying.
Plus I have to ask why were you drinking with another woman?
You are in trouble so I wish you luck getting this all sorted out.

Can't tell your wife ?? You said the other woman told her already so yes she knows.

[savannaxdrsser]

Just to clarify and not to belittle the point. I texted all this, I did not say anything in person.

[Meghan4now]

So,

Your wifes friend has documented proof of what you said, including telling her to not tell your wife? And that's better than a one on one conversation because it's less believable?

Did you send pictures too?

[savannaxdrsser]

Well she told my wife in person, and wife did not indicate that she read a text so im thinking it may be gone otherwise she would have showed her im sure.

- - - Updated - - -

sent a pic similar to my avatar, i was very stupid!

[Micki_Finn]

To be honest I'm not surprised and I don't mean to be belittling or anything but that was a pretty bonehead move. She's your wife's girlfriend. If your wife told one of your male friends she was cheating on you, don't you think your friend would tell you? I'm a little flabbergasted that you thought one of your wife's friends would help you deceive your wife. And now you've compounded it by lying to your wife. If you don't think they're going to get together and compare notes you don't know women. I'm afraid things may get a lot worse for you.

[DIANEF]

Ouch! You sent a text AND a picture! how much had you been drinking? Seriously, look on the bright side...... oh, there isn't one.

[immindy]

o gosh, yep I agree , you must tell your wife , and be honest about everything. It will be hard at first but , in my opinion , it is the best way to salvage your marriage. I will be praying and thinking about you . Please let us know how it all turns out .

[Kiersten]

Ouch! Pretty boneheaded move! I'll bet you would like to have a do over on this one. Did you see this going differently in your head??

Seriously, you only have one move here, You need to sit down with your wife apologize to her for lying and then be totally honest with her about your dressing.

Good luck to you.

[Ally 2112]

You did all this and your wife believes you ? I am not trying to be mean but this could get worse .I hope all the best for you

[Teresa]

Savanna,
It's a chance we all take but now my circle is so wide something may get back to my wife that she didn't know , she knows about my dressing and so do my family but there are things I've talked to other people about and we all know what a small World it can be in these circumstances .

I'm still surprised your wife's friend decided to say something, she might have known the outcome, it would be a twist of fate if the situation was reversed !

[Stephanie47]

I hope nothing or no one on the site emboldened you to do this. If you're going to keep a secret from your wife, it is best to not tell anyone else. And, to send a picture! Please, do not think your wife is naive and believes anything you're saying to cover your ass.

[Jenniferathome]

Wow. Can you see the lunacy of your premise? You told your wife's friend and not your wife! Wow. So here's the good news, your wife does not believe your denials. She may WANT to believe them, but she does not. You have a chance now to tell her and not be castigated by your denials but time is running out quickly.

[Charlotte Ann]

Wow ooooops ..... The drunk excuse ? Since when did that ever work? You are now the subject of 200 texts between girlfriends! Come clean with your wife . Your paddle went down the creek days ago and the hole in the boat isn't getting smaller. Sorry :(

[Anne K]

Text to your wife's friend that included a picture? Clearly, tequila was involved. Being just drunk can not explain it. Also, a good reason not to text ANYTHING of substance.

[CONSUELO]

Well just about every comment on your original post is negative and it must be making you feel very bad on top of what you have now. However the cat is out of the bag and you have no control over what might happen. Covering up will not work for long. Maybe it is time to just face what you are and tell your wife.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and that girlfriend is no friend. I have been told deep dark secrets during my life by various people and when that happens I take it a deep trust and responsibility to keep it to myself. Sadly few others feel this way. I'm sorry for what has happened to you and I hope something works out.

[IamWren]

I'm curious if you have talked to the person you told (texted) and asked her why she revealed something you had told her in confidence. If you have asked her, what was her reason for doing so? I trust you know now that confiding in her anything will not be kept to herself.

[Tracii G]

You need to stop drinking if it causes you to think telling her friend that you CD was a smart thing to do.
I'm glad to see honest replies on this thread.
You really messed up so come clean to your wife ASAP.Maybe have a lawyer in mind.

[mykell]

why were you drinking with a friend of your wife ?


Could this possibly have been a way that you subconsciously chose...to tell your wife? I mean it was HER friend you told. Don't you think that now that she has heard that she will be looking around and realize it is true anyway? I think you should just tell her. I know easy for me to say? right? but won't it be worse when she catches you, or finds something of yours and realizes you lied to her?
Just a thought.
I see this as an opportunity, not a mistake.
your friend told your wife, take this advise.....it is from a newlywed

Thanks, I think things will work, but I cant tell my wife I dress, she is just not open to other life choices!
your wife has already been told, you did it, now own it.

maybe this can help....
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

best of luck.

[Judy-Somthing]

One thing I said before is make sure in your photos that the background can't be recognized.
Even floorboards can be matched like fingerprints.

[MelanieAnne]

Your first mistake was telling a woman not to tell something to another woman!

[Tracy Irving]

I have done some pretty stupid things when drinking. If this happened to me, I believe I would be able to downplay the cross dressing a little bit but I would have some explaining to do about drunk texting her friend. Isn't there a saying about friends not letting friends text drunk?

[TrishaTX]

Women are all about trust, I think when your wife does find out and she remembers this , the fall out will be bad...

[silknrachel]

You definitely need to come clean with your wife. This isn't something that she will forget. The seed of doubt has been planted and will only grow! I would suggest writing her a letter and being honest. She is either going to accept you for who you are or she will not. But the longer you wait the more likely the latter will be true.

[Krisi]

You should have been able to figure out that this was a bad thing to do before you did it. I have to wonder what was going through your mind.

It's too late for you in this case, but my advice to anyone is to not tell anyone about your crossdressing hobby unless they need to know. In this case, your wife needed to know, her friend did not.

- - - Updated - - -


Just to clarify and not to belittle the point. I texted all this, I did not say anything in person.

Well, that's worse because the friend has the evidence in writing.

[Sara Jessica]

This should be part of a sticky, What NOT To Do.

I'm curious though, what were you looking to gain by this disclosure? I'm just not seeing any upside and this isn't because of what we know about the aftermath. I'd have asked the same exact thing if you had posted a question as to whether you should go down this road.

BTW, a poll of such a question would have been a resounding NO, if not 100% NO. I'd have expected this tale to come from someone who has been on these pages for days or weeks, not years.

[CONSUELO]

Poor Savanna. Everyone is piling on to her over this and not showing much sympathy. We forget that living a completely secret life is an overwhelming burden at times and it is difficult to keep your secret locked inside you. Keeping a major part of you, like cross dressing, as a complete secret from the world can be very corrosive. Savanna tells us in one post that his wife is intolerant of other lifestyles, so imagine the possibility of nasty comments about transvestites etc. that are tossed around in that household and Savanna has to just sit there and absorb all sorts of nasty references to something that is an important part of her.
I think we need to be even more critical of the person who was told something in confidence and then blabbed. That was the great BETRAYAL.

[Krisi]

What sort of sympathy do you suggest? Poor baby? I'm sorry this happened to you? Your wife's friend is a bitch?

The reality is, she did something really stupid. Let's call it what it is and make it a learning experience for others who might consider making the same mistake.

Maybe you think you can't tell your wife but if you can't tell her, you shouldn't tell anyone else.

[Stephanie47]

"BETRAYAL?" I don't think so. Here's another issue. She tells/text with picture something her wife really find offensive. Now, you have given the friend of the wife a secret to bear. Is she suppose to now pledge allegiance to her and not her wife? She has a cross to bear now? "Do I tell my friend?" "Do I now have to look across the table at my friend and mull over "I know something you don't know!" I think not. Yes, let this be a learning experience for others. Maybe this needs to be run through "Dear Abby."

[Sara Jessica]

Poor Savanna. Everyone is piling on to her over this and not showing much sympathy.

You're totally right. Poor Savanna didn't confide in her spouse before telling another woman. Poor Savanna miscalculated the reaction of another. Poor Savanna didn't see that it was particularly likely that a friend of said wife would eventually share the secret. Poor Savanna is so manly in the wife's eyes that full disclosure is viewed as impossible. Not even considering the merits of pre-marital disclosure, poor Savanna didn't foresee the weight of a lifetime in the closet when marrying a woman who is apparently closed minded to anything remotely alternative when it comes to lifestyle.

Sorry, this was entirely preventable on so many levels and shouldn't have happened in the first place. This isn't piling on, there is no possible positive response to this. And trying to garner sympathy in the face of perceived piling on is creating more perceived piling on (see paragraph above).

I guess the message here is that alcohol and closets don't mix.

[sometimes_miss]

And, once again, we learn the hard way the number of people involved so that a secret remains a secret: ONE.

[Jenara]

Hate to pile on but:

Mistake 1 was telling someone else BEFORE the wife.
Mistake 2 was lying to the wife when confronted.

If I were you I'd really think about admitting it to the wife immediately to try and keep the trust there but that might be gone now that you flat out lied to her about it. Make no mistake, even if you think she "bought it" this time she will keep looking for signs of you dressing now and will be hurt even more each time you lie about it from this point on whether directly or indirectly.

Honesty is the best thing here.

- - - Updated - - -

Let's be honest, the wife's friend is doing what a friend SHOULD do and tell her something that could have a great impact on her life. If my best friend knew something that could impact me or my marriage, I'd want him telling me.

[savannaxdrsser]

I am an Idiot!! Everything posted is very true and may all come down on me. I thank you all for your honesty and comments.

[DIANEF]

Actually Savanna, I've come close to telling someone myself... Hope things work out.

[Kiva]

We've been married for 34 yrs. Together 40. Told her after 3 yrs of marriage and she was cool at first, then not so...then sort of tolerant...now it disgusts her. We talk about this desire of mine frequently and she still doesn't understand. I always tell her it's hard to understand unless you've lived it. One of the things for a long lasting marriage is honesty. Right now, you've broken that, but it's still not too late to fix things. Your best out at this point is you were scared of hurting her, but you need to fess up very soon. Have the sit down. Don't argue. Have your facts ready, but don't sound rehearsed. It's tough on those we loved to help carry the burden of a secret as large as this, especially in certain parts of the country. They sure didn't ask to have to deal with this, but for the same token, neither did we.

[Bobbi46]

"You make your bed, you lie in it" a big mistake to tell a friend who knows your wife and then to deny it when found out, I would not like to be in your shoes this could end in tears one day, for sure your wife must have by now the full Monty about it all so denying it all only worsens your position. Somehow you have got find a way to tell her that yes you do dress, yes it is enjoyable but most importantly of all you must tell her that this does not get in the way of the way you loved her before and the same you love her now.
Sort it out quick before its too late!

[xNicolex]

You texted it?? why?? never leave a paper trail, digital fingerprint or anything that you cant have full deniability over if it all goes belly up, which in this case it did. I am not going to go on about how you should be careful who you tell, I take it you have already learned your lesson. If it were me in this situation I'd weight up your wives reaction and try and gauge weather or not its a good move to come clean. You will have alot of damage done lying in the first place if you decide to tell her. Either way good luck.

[Shely]

Good LUCK you are going to need it.

[Lacyfem]

I'm thinking you wanted to tell someone you dressed as many of us would like to be out of the closet. I think you wanted the friend to tell the wife as you were hoping then once she knew, which you were not strong enough to tell her yourself, that it might be something she'd accept which she didn't. Believe me now she is going to suspect and watch every move and hopefully you don't wear her things as they will be watched really close. My wife doesn't know and don't want her to know as she's always made derogatory remarks about dressers. Good luck honey.

[Meghan4now]

So now that we're all done ripping you a new one, what are you going to do about it?

While you made a series of mistakes, there is still time to mitigate the issues. Do not get trapped in that hopeless feeling of "OMG, if she knows the earth will stop spinning!" You have to decide where you want to go, and what you are going to do, but I think you've been provided with enough input to consider the reality and consequences. Now is the time to act. I know it's easy to say, but don't let fear paralyze you.

Again, good luck.

[Bobbi46]

Good luck is what you need right now and a lot of it, I wish you well.

[CONSUELO]

Well everyone, I am so impressed by the lack of any sympathy or empathy in most of these posts. Come on girls. We all know that being a cross dresser does have a way of distorting ones reality and we have all done daft things over the years. Think of the pink fog that has affected us from time to time.
Yes, what Savanna did was a big mistake and it will probably blow back over her in a big way, but she knows that. I think she just wants to share the burden of her error not be whipped in public. Where is our compassion. We can point out the error she has made ad nauseum, but it doesn't help her. I believe she needs to think about just coming clean and dealing with the consequences otherwise she will have to build a tower of deceit to try to avoid them.

Also I do think she was betrayed. I have been told some deep dark secrets by people that I know would cause terrible problems for them. They might have told me because they had a drink too many or the burden of secrecy was too great but I knew that to betray that confidence was completely wrong and I would bury it in the back of my mind and leave it there.

[phplayr]

Well put. I have been ridiculed on here before and sucks. We just want to share our experiences because a lot of us don't have any one else to talk to. We come here looking for a safe place to vent. Good luck to you!

[Beverley Sims]

I think sharing the secret with someone other than your wife, first is deplorable.

Don't drink and don't tell.

[Jenn A116]

I'm sure that it is so much easier for us to give advice on this scenario. In my eyes, the real tragedy here is not the telling of the "wrong person" but the lying to the wife after the tell. That turns the whole situation from a mistake into outright deception. Not a good thing for a marriage.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Savanna:hugs:, I sure hope that you learned your lesson...:daydreaming:...

[nonameyet1234]

I'm surprised there isn't more compassion. I know for me, keeping a secret like this is really tough. I too confided in a mutual friend of my wife and I years before I told her. In this case he was more my friend than hers. It was while drinking as well. It's very lonely holding on to something like this for so many years, and sometimes you slip up. The friend I told was gay so I figured he'd offer a sympathetic ear. Looking back he would seem to be the worst person to tell because he was a bit out there. When I did finally come out to my wife (who has been nothing but suppprtive) I mentioned that I had told our friend years back when drinking. She was floored that he kept the secret. To the original poster; all I can say is that the cat is out of the bag whether you like it or not. I was pretty sure my wife would either divorce me or at the very least, never look at me the same way. In reality she brushed it off like it was nothing. I did get teased a bit by her for building it up in my head like I did. The friend is certain to show her the text of your wife says you denied it. Better to just rip off the bandaid.

[savannaxdrsser]

I have dug down deep into my self and have begun to open up to my wife about my dressing. I have started to lay some groundwork about what crossdressing is to me and when it first began to manifest itself many years ago. My wife has no reason to doubt my loyalty to her, only that i have had a secret for many years that i have not shared with her. My first obligation is to our marriage, eventually we will deal with the reveal to her girlfriend.
Thanks to all for their comments.

[mykell]

here is a knuckle bump savanna, it is one of the hardest things that i have ever done in my life so i feel for you and your courage is to be commended,
i hope that you have a favorable outcome in the end,
in case this was lost in the mix:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner
may help you in some small way....

[Kiersten]

Good for you Savanna!
It's not an easy thing to do. I hope it all works out for you and your wife.

[St. Eve]

Savanna
Wow what a turn of events....I am going to go with....you really wanted to tell your wife and could find no other way of getting to it (because of her intolerance) than telling someone who was likely to out you...then you would be forced to share what you know you have needed to share for such a long time but did not know how....just a story I make up....good luck....Stevie

[Territx]

Unfortunately, this is not one mistake -- it is several: excessive drinking (your judgment was at least partially impaired); telling someone other than your wife -- while at a party; texting the other woman . . . with a picture; denying it all to your wife. I think it is time to cut your losses and talk to your wife or maybe hope for a miracle. The text and photo are the kicker to this story and are bound to get out sooner or later; so, even if you could deny it, texts show who sent them. Good luck.

[savannaxdrsser]

My conversation with my wife is somewhat two-fold. First is the crossdressing part which I have explained and believe is a gender issue more that a sexual one. I have not been with another male or female and never really had any intentions for that. The second, which does have my wife perturbed is my contact with her friend, someone who we have both known for many years. While we have talked and texted at times, there was never anything of a inappropriate nature. My dressing/gender issues really expanded as the internet became available. I found out as many of you have, that there are a lot of us out there with very similar experiences, feelings and needs. I became more comfortable with who I was, before that my dressing was very limited both in opportunities and I wore. I do think that maybe subconsciously I wanted some others to know in real life about my other side and maybe telling my wifes friend was a way for my wife to find out. My wife is not at all interested in seeing me dressed and probably never will. We are working out how maybe I can enjoy my other half, but that is all up in the air right now. We are not going to split up, our love is strong and I have always been there for her and will continue to be.