Being outed by bipolar sister in law

[Allison Chaynes]

I am in a really weird situation right now. My wife is aware, supportive and participates in Allison's life with certain stipulations, mostly that no family or friends know about her. Well, about 5 years ago, the younger sister in law came out as lesbian. She has been dating a MTF TG, however the in laws are unaware that her GF is actually trans not GG. When the SIL came out to my wife, Allison came up in conversation, but SIL promised she would never out her. SIL visited us once afterward, and I gave her some of my clothes that I thought she could use for her new job as she had just graduated college. Although our worldviews are different, we've always gotten along by not discussing politics.

So, SIL is strongly in favor of the side that lost the election, and in a fit of irrational anger about the results, called the mother in law out of the blue and cussed her out for not voting for her candidate. She then blamed her for every perceived negative event in her life, and proceeded to inform her that her "golden child" (my wife) was not only bisexual but that I am a CD. For perspective, the in laws are strict primitive Southern Baptists and none of this will ever be accepted by them. I have not spoken to my SIL in probably three years, not out of disagreement or anger, just not really anything much to say, so I am blown away that she would do this.

So now the problem we have, is that we are concerned she will blast social media. As Allison is not and never plans to be, out of the closet, the concern I have is what will happen if my family finds out. I am debating if I should tell my mom, but I know it will not go over well with her. Still, better to not let her be blindsided, right?

Thoughts?

[Meghan4now]

Allison,

That's a tough one. My instinct says let it blow over, don't mention it. She may or may not go all public. As far as the rest of the family goes, they may not believe it, but even if they do, they may still have some sympathy for you and your wife. I would just treat them like normal. If they bring it up, so be it, and just play it cool. If they act weird but don't say anthing, let it ride a while and see where it goes.

This kind of "outing" is likely to go worse for the sister than for you and your wife.

Good luck.

[Tracii G]

Well if this SIL is a known Bipolar person and known to "go off" at times just don't respond to her claims.
If your parents ask say what are you talking about? She said what? Or the good old " I told you she was crazy".
Act like its all news to you.
You could drop the hammer on her and mention her GF is trans guy.

[ellbee]

I'd ignore it for now.

I've had to deal with some people with "issues" before, and I've found the more you become entangled in their mess, the worse it ends up for you had you instead left things alone.

Of course, that doesn't excuse them for what they do, either.


Anyway, from experience, obviously the more people you come out to, the more likely it is that some will eventually find out who you *didn't* want to know that info.

Just the way it works, unfortunately. People don't know how to keep their yaps shut.

[Nikki.]

I would ignore it. If I was then confronted by someone that mattered to me, I would own it, though I plan to come out to most of my family eventually.

[greeneyes]

I am so sorry you are in this situation, how nerve wracking!!!!!!
If you and your wife deny it...it is her word against the TWO of you. There is power in numbers.....and I suspect that everyone knows she is mentally ill so....chalk it up to her disorder. That is what I think. that crazy ass SIL is making up some crazy ass sh!t!!!! isn't she????????

[Dana44]

yep, do not make a big deal of it and ignore it. I think Tracii gave you a nice response. So if your mom ever mentions it, just act like you don't know what she is talkin about and that your sister in law is a bit crazy and she lives with a trans man. That should settle it.

[Exris]

@Allison.

Talk to your wife and agree that your SIL is going to be the one that will face the consequences of this.

Much of your family might be ... um... flag wavers with a cross motive... yeah. Would.So.Not.Love.That...

But it's your family. You cant change that.

YOU did not cause this issue. You are the one thats been violated. You should not face the judgement of imprisoned minds.


Shift it all to your SIL. I would use very underhand moves personally. But Im an IT "guy" that specialises in some really niche stuff. What I would/could do wouldnt work for you... as Im assuming you cant.

But a rational dialogue with your relatives... seems impossible. This is a family breaking moment. You need to decide what to cut loose. You can feel guilty later... just now you have a family to protect. Just hope the future generations get better...

[Gillian Gigs]

On occasion crap gets stirred to the surface, just let it settle to the bottom again. Say nothing until such a time that it is brought to you, then respond as you see fit.

[Lorileah]

You could drop the hammer on her and mention her GF is trans guy.

I read that it was a trans-woman. And does seeing who can piss higher up the tree really help?

[Anne K]

Tracii has the right idea. Deny, deny, deny.

[Ozark]

just ignore them. You don't need them in your life anyway. I hope that you too voted for the side that lost.... you know what i mean

[Lauren Richards]

Allison,

I am going to take a different path here than most, and suggest that what may appear at first to be a burden, may actually be an opportunity.

To the notion of lying about your true nature if someone in the family asks, I think that is opposite of what is in your best interest. We commonly know that the lies and cover-up are generally the most unforgivable part of any action taken. To lie to your family betrays their trust, and brings into question your fundamental relationship with others. To lie about something like this shows shame, and a lack of trust in others. These are not positive markers in a family relationship, or any relationship for that matter.

Friends and family may be disgusted with your vile and unsavory lifestyle. To them. So be it. If you allow them to have their initial reactions, and accept their reaction as being valid for who they are, today, it will allow you room to gently demonstrate your ability to forgive, embrace others with different opinions, and be non-judgmental. Aren't these the things we wish to receive from others? How can we expect to be accepted if we do not live and breathe that message? With family. With friends.

It may not happen right away, as most people need some time to adjust, whether to temperature or a new home or a new reality, where what was thought to be plain and simple is revealed to be anything but plain and simple. People are amazingly adaptive. Given a chance, given the opportunity to understand, gently, not with a crowbar, many people will accept change eventually. You can talk with your family, gently embracing that side of you which you have kept hidden. That which you wish to remain private, as it should.

We all have the right to private lives. You have the right to remain private, and not talk about details and reveal too much to satisfy the curiosity of others. They don't need the details. They need you to be honest, and put your trust in their basic decently to accept that you are not exactly who they thought you were, but that you remain honest, decent, and loving. Give those up, and you will never be able to get them back.

The notion that just because the SIL is bi-polar means she is crazy is also not a positive approach. She suffered a significant loss, and apparently does not have the coping skills necessary to deal with such deep disappointment and loss. She needs help, not scorn. What she did was inexcusable. She violated your trust. She, not you, did something wrong. Should she be punished and her life made ruin by exposing what others may find revolting and disgusting? My goodness, being a lesbian living with a MTF TG, how shameful!!! Where are the witch trials and Spanish Inquisition when you need them?! Where is the crossdressers forum to point out that the MTF TG in this relationship may be one of us? Is one of us.

Punish and humiliate her? No. I think not. She is in need of help and understanding. Her world view has been crushed, and she is afraid. She blames you, because you are likely closer to her than most others. You have a hidden lifestyle which is different from others in you family and community, as does she. Unfortunately, it is those who are closest to us who suffer the most when rage and panic and depression and loss and drugs and all which we believe to be true crashes down upon us. Who better to lash out against? Yes, it is those we hold most dear. Those most like ourselves.

I think this is because deep down, we hope that those we lash out against will love us enough to forgive us when we openly reveal our weaknesses and fears and despair. What teenage daughter or son has not told their Mother "I hate you!!". And later, minutes, hours, days, months, or years, embraces their Mother and is sorry for having such thoughts. Every one. Every. One. Again, she needs help, and understanding. You have an opportunity to demonstrate your values. What you do with it is up to you.

If the conversation occurs with family who hear of the slash and burn tantrum, I would not deny nor lie. Just because she has a bi-polar disorder does not make her wrong, nor crazy. Is that what we want others to think of people with mental issues they are struggling with on a daily basis? Prove them wrong. Be kind.

I would also not go into depth should someone bring up the questions of your lifestyle. Keep that which is private, private. Allow others to see you as the caring, loving, understanding, and grateful individuals you have always been. Allow them to change, and find their own path to acceptance, but don't force them, nor make your love conditional on their opinion of you.

Love yourselves. And those who are near and dear to you. Understand that there will always be someone who hates you, for no other reason than you are different. Or that you wear panties that don't match your bra. You never know..

Sending most kind and gracious wishes for your passage through this difficult time.

Lauren

[Tracii G]

I should have said said loony SIL is dating a guy and not a GG. Trans guy that dresses as a woman.
Stay silent as long as you can but hold the non GG GF ace in the hole if you need it
I agree with not getting drug into the poo storm if at all possible.

[IamWren]

I kinda lean toward Tracii's approach of deny and act like the accusation is a surprise to you. But Lauren's advice of being the bigger person and refraining from humiliating her makes you a bigger person as well as denying the accusation more believable. It must sound terrible to say you should lie to your family but they have a certain view of you and if you shatter that perspective of you especially if you believe there is no chance they would be even tolerant of your fondness for wearing women's clothes.... well, I think the end justifies the means.

[Allison Chaynes]

Thank you for all the responses so far. I was in shock this morning that she would betray my trust and still don't know the right response. Understand that I have no ill will or issues with her life choices, as I am libertarian and believe in "leave everyone alone unless they are hurting you". But yeah you gals have some great thoughts. I would prefer to avoid the nuclear option. I have pondered talking to my mom about the subject for a while, but just based on the response to my uncle coming out as gay, I'm hesitant. I think as far as the in laws, I can deny it and just make them believe it's a jealousy thing. And yes, SIL's GF is MTF pre-op if that answers the question, which I shared just for background. I naively thought that somehow gave me common ground with the SIL, as she would be an accepting GG I could talk to.

[Tracii G]

Remember trying to reason with the SIL from this point on will be tough. You know you can't trust her so don't make any "deals" with her.
Say you sort of patch things up you can be sure she will turn on you again eventually.
I have lived thru this with my 1st wife and her family, you do something nice for them or help them its all good but the one time you say no you are the worst person on the planet and they will lash out at you.

[Exris]

just ignore them. You don't need them in your life anyway. I hope that you too voted for the side that lost.... you know what i mean

Every side lost.

[Tracii G]

Lets not bring politics into this and end up getting the thread shut down.
That would not be fair to Allison.

[Maria 60]

Years ago my wife had a divorced friend, to help her out with her tough time she would be at our house a lot and even invited her a lot to our summer cabin.
On a lot of occasions we would open a bottle of wine and I would join in or just listen to the conversations, almost like I was one of the girls.
Well her being around so much she was really intruding in Maria time, so my wife suggested since she is such a close friend and knowing her so well that she was sure she would be ok with my dressing and then I can dress more and even feel like one of the girls.
Wow thinking about it sounded like a dream come true, but I told my wife I kind of like it our secret and let's give it some time. Well anyway a few months later they had a argument and that girl got the devils horns in her and was talking so much trash about us without knowing about Maria, imagine if she knew. Can't trust nobody, one minute your best friend and then turn your back and in comes the knife. People are sometimes fake and most of all everyone loves dirty laundry. I hope it all works out for you, we already have our plates pretty full without others putting more in them.

[Jaylyn]

Allison I feel for you. I can relate about a Bipolar. My sister is one and she argues with the opposite side no matter which side you take. I could say that car is red she would say no it's black. She lies all the time about every thing. She over exaggerates every situation to the point of a life or death matter. I have found its best to just stay totally away from her. The very little dealings I now have with her I never say anything as a fact. I really just don't talk but instead nod my head one way or the other. It's best to deal with her by just keeping my mouth shut. We never know who might show up at family functions. It's scary. There is one thing though if she is Bipolar she will show herself to be to others also. They to will learn you can't believe everything she says. Your SIL may have already reached that point. My opinion is just sit tight and alienate yourself as much as possible from her and don't give her any reason to get that Bipolar attitude going. We walk on egg shells trying to not set my sister off anytime we have to be around her.

[CONSUELO]

Don't retaliate as that will just prolong and escalate the entire episode. If you don't feel it is good to "come out" to the family I would just keep silent and let people think it was all a mad tirade.

[Allison Chaynes]

Update: The in laws think she made it all up as a defense mechanism because she does not meet their ideals of how she should live her life. After all, she has no proof, just her word. So it looks like Allison is ok. However, as some of you have experienced firsthand, I've learned not to trust people in general!!!

[donnalee]

Sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to not call attention to it. Sounds like the source was considered.

[Krisi]

My advice, and I've posted it here before. is to never tell anyone about your crossdressing unless they need to know. Your wife needs to know. Relatives do not need to know. Your post reinforces my advice.

Your sister in law seems to be one of the people who can't stand to not get their way. She didn't get the results she wanted so she threw a temper tantrum. Unless she can prove you are a crossdresser, just deny her claims if and when the subject comes up.

[Beverley Sims]

I say let it pass, if it does come up you can deal with it then in a manner appropriate to the situation.

Coming out and starting a thread in life that could go anywhere is a great unknown.

Just think, nothing else may come of it.