Really depressed

[JaimeCD]

Ok I am not sure if I will get in trouble for this post or not but here goes. I have a wonderful wife who is incredibly supportive about dressing and my going out.

But intimacy has really gone away and it really bothers me. She keeps telling me that it has nothing to do with the dressing, that she is just tired all the time from her new job or just not in the mood.

I really need the connection that comes from being intimate but it is just not happening. Yesterday we got into another fight about it and she said sure we are not as active as we use to be (I can count one hand for this year and have fingers left) but I am fulfilling you by being supportive of dressing.

Just don't know what to do. Really at the point where I feel like maybe I should box everything up and stop.

[Emily Ann Brown]

You don't say if you dress around her or if your relationship id DADT. Why not a trip away from all the pressure of life and jobs and look for the reason you two are married. Maybe slow down just a little and show her she is the most important thing in your world. Em

[Jenn_8B]

Jaime, I'll tell you my story. I am 51, my wife is 47. She is somewhat supportive of my dressing. I am allowed to dress in front of her.
We have a 14 year, when our child was about 5 the intimacy really slowed down.

Over time I was able to get her to admit that she now considered herself a mom rather than a wife. In her mind mom's aren't intimate. Plus she feels older and has put on a few pounds (so have I). Fast forward a few years, our child is now 14. After many talks, she is being more intimate. I think, for her, it's a combination of motherhood, age, and normal life stresses that has slowed her down. I know my crossdressing had nothing to do with the slowdown in intimacy, because I didn't really start dressing until 2-3 years ago. Prior to that it was in secret and mostly just trying on her clothes.


So I guess my point to all of this, is what else is going on in her life? How old is she? What is your family situation? Work stress?


PS my wife also grew up in a very conservative religion. While she is not active in that, it greatly shapes her thought process on a lot of things.

[Judy-Somthing]

My wife doesn't know about Judy.

Your situation sounds so typical of what all my friends have told me about their marriages,
When I hit my forties the intimacies went from one a week to about once every five to six weeks.

I thought our marriage wouldn't survive I was unhappy about it for at least ten years.

Well it took a long time to get use to it but I'm quite content with our relationship now.

[greeneyes]

Jaime,

It sounds like she is really depressed too. I don't think it has anything to do with you dressing. Hormones really can mess with women in their 40"s. Makes you tired, and grumpy, and feel like a big lump of playdough! Maybe you can find out what things she is depressed about. Money? her looks? maybe she does not feel that you find her attractive, but she thinks you just want sex. Maybe the lack of sex is the symptom, not the disorder.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Greeneyes nailed it IMO.

But the crossdressing could be a factor, even if your wife hasn't admitted that to herself.

[Tracii G]

She may be starting to go thru menopause my second ex started that at age 35 so intimacy suffered.
She may have thyroid issues starting and that messes up hormones too hence weight gain.
All of these issues cause chronic fatigue which can lead to a depressed condition.
Why don't you put her health and well being first and your sexual desires second and get her some medical attention?

[Teresa]

Jamie,
It's nothing to do with dressing, your'e wife might be having the start of menopause, give her space she will be going through some real problems.

I know it happened to me ten years later, I haven't had intimate contact for ten years, I just have to respect my wife's wishes, she just isn't interested.
She knows my CDing is now a sustitute, she lives with that , it does hurt sometimes, I'm still a fully functioning male. CDing wasn't the cause of her lack of interest so don't go doing a stupid purge thinking you're the problem.

[Valery L]

I hate to say this, but if it was a sudden change, it is possible that she is cheating or wants to cheat on you. Of course, there are many other possibilities but unfortunately this is one of them. I really hope it is something else such as menopause.

[docrobbysherry]

This may not have much or anything to do with your dressing. Most every married couple I know has had their sex either drastically slow down or stop in their late 40's or 50's. Some divorced, some live together as roommates. It happened to me, too. We divorced.

If your wife is interested in becoming intimate again, I suggest seeing a marriage therapist. Since your situation is so common, I good one will help u both. If she isn't interested in intimacy returning? Your sex life with her is over.:sad:

[Tracii G]

Valery make a good point too and my 2nd ex had done that too after 7 years of marriage.
I think her lack of sexual drive towards me could have been her guilt because she had slept with another man.
@ trust me you can deny it all you want but it is possible and you will be the last to know.
Its a long story but if you want you can PM me and I can tell you the signs to look for. I have been thru this twice so I do have experience in this subject matter.

[JaimeCD]

Thanks everybody for the thoughts, I really don't think she is cheating first as we are in an open marriage so I would think she would just be honest about someone else.

She insists it is not the dressing, she knows and is very supportive. Incredibly so to the point when the local cd group was having a Halloween Sorrie and her parents were staying with us she had me just stay at the hotel so that I could go.

It could be our age, we are both 45, and the stress of her job. The problem is the decrease of intimacy can be tracked to my starting to explore dressing.

Sorry if I came across as Debbie downer. It is just the last three times we have tried anything they have all been disasters, last night was the last. I got no sleep because I was so upset. We talked about my lack of sleep and she came right out and she said it was because I was upset about this I just don't know what to do, I don't want a roommate.

[Tracii G]

I would have sworn on a stack of bibles mine wasn't cheating on me but later I learned it was true.
Not just one guy either I know of 3 but there could be more.
She may have contracted an STD as well at that time because she slept on the couch and I slept in the bed.
Her guilt of catching something could have done a lot to do with our split altho' she has never admitted it.
If she says "its not you its me" then I would be worried because that is exactly what happened in my case. I was the last to know but she never told me I learned it from one of her friends.
That is just my situation and yours can be vastly different and it just could be hormone imbalance or menopause.

[Jaylyn]

JamieCD, I think it is hormones. Women go thru this, at least mine definitely has. Ours started slowing down around 52. By 56 sex was just not her cup of tea any more but she agreed to just please me. At 65 it's gone totally. I say totally but really maybe once every three months.
I know we'd be divorced if it wasn't for my CD as I still get excited by the dressing. My wife is accepting of the dressing but I don't push it when she is around. I do that so that I can dress when she is not around and use it as a release for myself. I enjoy the dressing but sometimes wonder if it's only for the pleasure that the dressing gives me that I do this.
Don't be depressed I bet if truth be known there's a lot of us do the dressing because of the excitement it can give us. I know of a few that feel this way. Just my thoughts.

[Becky Blue]

A lot of people outside of our world connect Crossdressing with sex....It there a possibility that your wife has the belief that your crossdressing is your sexual release so in her mind you don't need her. I have found in some cases it doesn't take much for a woman to lose interest in sex particularly if that reason is ever present?

[alwayshave]

Jamie, Once my ex had kids her sex drive went out the door, down the street and got on a flight Antarctica and never came back. I tried in vane to do anything to get her interested. Every advance I made was rebuffed. If I had sex twice a year it was a good year. She knew nothing about my dressing, mostly suppressed at that time. So it was not about the dressing. The only time she ever engaged in a discussion about it was to ask when my father developed ED (never did), so she could judge when I would no longer be interested. She stated that family should be enough for me. Add on, for someone who did not want me, she was insanely jealous. A very long way of saying, some people just are not interested.

[Tracii G]

I will add neither of my marriages did I cross dress so that was not a factor.
When a woman loses interest the sex part is over. If you push it she will just get mad and you will be sleeping in the garage.

[Bruce64]

Tired from the new job, that could be true. My wife tells me that too and intimacy is down, I have to start her up slowly with lots of hugging and soft pet talk to get her aroused which rarely happens but it puts her in the mood for sex, massages works too. Good luck.

[DIANEF]

My wife and I have not been intimate for a very long time now, for the last year or so we've been sleeping in different rooms and I think the chance of any change is probably nil. This is unrelated to my cross dressing as I am in the closet (for now). Reading the stories here such a situation is more common than I thought. Short of having an affair, or leaving, neither of which I want, I wonder if it will ever happen again.

[Becky Blue]

Tired from the new job, that could be true. My wife tells me that too and intimacy is down, I have to start her up slowly with lots of hugging and soft pet talk to get her aroused which rarely happens but it puts her in the mood for sex, massages works too. Good luck.

My wife has a new job that is way more stressful and demanding than her last one, which was very sedate. Her sex drive is way up, the harder she works the more interested she is... my point - everyone reacts to things differently.

[Amy Fakley]

When you're in your mid 40's this is a thing that happens to nearly everyone.
I don't doubt that dealing with a gender variant spouse adds to the mix of conflicting motivations ... and I mean ... I get it. Headspace is a huge thing for me too, and I know for typical males it isn't, but for me it is, especially as I get older. It can really be hard to find and maintain that headspace, especially for our partners.
.

[Teresa]

Jayln,
Your situation reads the same as mine only I asked nothing from her but what hurt was she offered me nothing either . My wife knows if it wasn't for CDing I would have had affairs , she knows CD has substituted her, I really don't like the situation of going full circle and my dressing becoming more sexual , somehow I feel it's upsetting the balance I was achieving, I really would prefer to share my Cding with a woman as I'm bi-gender.

Diane,
My wife is still happy to share the same bed despite me wearing a nightie every night although she told me not to flaunt it. I find it interesting that you hinted that an affair was one solution. Sometimes I feel that's what my wife wants me to do , she appears to be pretty sure no woman would want me as a CDer unless she is looking for another way out of our situation.
I do have some concerns that at my social group's Xmas party the hotel where it's being held uses the same room to accommodate several parties so we will be sharing a meal and dancing with other members of the public , also I'm staying overnight so I can have a drink without worrying about driving home. I have to admit I do feel slightly guilty about being excited about the party .


Jamie,

I hope Tracii is wrong about your wife cheating , I know we can never say never!
I must admit I would be very upset if I found my wife was cheating, to be cut off from intimacy for ten years and finding she is still active with someone else would really be the last straw . I have never taken CDing into the bedroom only once did I hint at it when I first came out to her otherwise she knows I'm a fully functioning male and would still like to have a closer relationship.

[DIANEF]

Teresa, read your reply with interest. The main reason we have seperate rooms is that I am a light sleeper, and my wife snores. loudly! Practicality really, however she does have weight problems which are an issue with us and probably contributes to her snoring, and I'm sorry to say my lack of desire for her. You will be familiar with UK sizes, she has gone from a 14 to a 22, nudging 24, in girl clothes I'm a 12. I know it shouldn't make a difference but it does, yet she has never complained about a lack of intimacy. As for an affair, in over 30 years I've been totally faithful, despite some (not many) opportunities, and I do wonder what future we have.

[Exris]

Diane.

Your future is bleak. Your situation is kind of an opposite of my marriage deterioration. PM me. I want to help if we can.

Im a girl size 18 or a "let it rip a bit" 16. My ex-wife.... is everything. From an 8 to when she starves herself for a year... or up to my size 18 when she gets comfortable with whatever new bloke it she finds. I never see happiness in her however. Despite how motivated she will be in one thing or another.

PM me if you wish to discuss. I think you need an evening in a right proper real pub. In man mode. With a similar man in man mode. Who will outdrink you... piss off the local pool table "heroes" and take their money... but listen to you. Listen and not judge. Listen and "been there before". Listen and think. And after thinking... offer some advice.

<<Identifiable info removed by me. I should not be so stupid in future>>

I think you need a friend mate. I do not say darling... I often would. I say mate... you need a friend.

Give it a little thought.

[DIANEF]

Exris, I'm touched!! If I wasn't at the other end of the country from you I'd take up your kind offer. Actually things aren't quite as bleak as the seem. My missus and I do get on reasonably well, but something is definately missing and I doubt what we had in our earlier days we will ever get back. I'll PM you one day soon.

[sherlynn]

From your other post, it seems like your wife is really understanding with your dressing. Perhaps she really is tired. Help her out with chores around the house, if you aren't already doing so. Give her some quiet time to unwind after work and maybe take a short weekend trip out of town to relax. Sometimes being away from the usual grind is enough to get things going again.

[Krisi]

You left out one important point - How old is your wife? Women go through menopause at different times but often around age fifty. Their natural productions of hormones changes and the "horny" one is usually the first to go. If she is anywhere near middle age, she should see her doctor to have her hormone levels checked. There are specialists who can prescribe replacement hormones which may help with this.

There are other things of course that can affect a woman's sex drive. Her job or other responsibilities, lack of self esteem from growing older or losing her looks or figure, etc.

Fighting is not going to help, that's the last thing you should do. Perhaps counseling would help. At the very least, keep telling her (and showing her) that you love and appreciate her. Complimenting her on her looks from time to time wouldn't hurt either.

[Majella St Gerard]

I feel your pain. I was in the same boat. My wife encouraged my dressing and helped me be me. We also had an open marriage. Our sex life was great then slowly dwindled down to almost non existent, but she found time to be with other men. She ultimately replaced me with her main FWB and walked out on me. Sorry for the rant, just watch your back. My wife was telling me she was in love with me all the way up to the day she walked out. Women are the best liars. Good luck to you.

[Rachelakld]

For me, a healthy relationship includes intimacy.
I know we can get busy in our 40's with work etc, but I made time for my (ex)wife - who never found time for me.
I found time to walk away, I also found a new wife.
Our laws, make it easy to split everything 50/50 and go our own way

[Stephanie47]

If you can trace the lack of intimacy to the beginning of cross dressing, then cross dressing is probably at the root of the problem. Throw in the concept of an open marriage, and, then there is an open invitation to seek intimacy elsewhere. If your wife can get satisfying sex with another man or woman sure she can tell you to indulge in whatever makes you happy. Yeah, there may be some truth to being worn out from work stress and other facets of life, but, isn't that suppose to be offset by intimacy. And, most women will tell you it is more than just hopping into bed and having wild sex. A little hand holding maybe? Or walking on the beach? Maybe, the cross dressing has tilted her over the edge to being fulfilled elsewhere without the mental image of her husband wearing a dress. I think the vast majority of women, whether they say are supportive or tolerant, just do not like the mental image, real or imaginary, of their husbands in a dress.

[sometimes_miss]

Once a woman sees her male mate in a dress, it can destroy any image she has of him as a sexually desirable male. Once that's gone, you're done. Just hope she doesn't replace you with another guy to satisfy her sexual needs.