Are you ashamed or proud of who you are?

[Becky Blue]

I would love to hear from others are you ashamed of your desires? Are you embarrassed about your crossdressing? is it a part of you, that you have come to accept? Or is it something you are proud about? Have your feelings changed over time? Did you start off in denial and grow to acceptance? Do you wish this part of you went away?

For me I love being Becky and feel very very gifted that I have a large amount of female inside me. Becky has been lucky to have had some amazing adventures and made some incredible friends. I feel honoured to know what is is like to walk a mile in 'her shoes' and feel sorry for my guy friends who have never had the chance to experience all the joy I have.

Of course its not always a bed of roses, but I am so thankful that I get the chance to look beautiful and sexy (in my eyes :D) on occasion. I am very proud of the girl and accept her as part of me absolutely.

[Tracii G]

I feel a lot like you and to me its nice to have some of both gender in me.
I feel more female than male and it took me a while to understand why I felt the way I did but I am fine with it.
I accepted the fact I was very different pretty early on but had not gotten rid of the very nasty guy that resided along side her.
About being ashamed that I have a more female personality? No not at all. I am proud of who I have become.
I am ashamed of the male side I had for so long he was not a nice person and had a lot of hate built up inside of him.
Shedding most of him has made my life so much better.

[Teresa]

Becky,
I would say many of us have been through the shame and guilt. Society says we look like men so we should act like men and wearing women's clothes is just weird, if he does that he must be gay.

They can't see whats driving us inside, our wiring is different, again for some of it takes far too long to find the real truth out and when we do we have to come to terms with. I tried to bury my CDing and the shame and guilt for so many years but it just can't be suppressed, joining the forum made me realise all this and it's for life . I realsied then things had to change , I had to get out of the closet and find myself, if you're in a DADT situation that isn't easy.

It's been a rollercoaster ride but finally I can say I'm not ashamed of these feelings the other part of me is finding contentment , I needed to be out and about to fully come to terms with it, I guess to validate part of me has a female trait and needs to be satisfied.

I enjoy every part of my dressing , whether its just a skirt and top arouind the home or going out fully transformed, and I love the shopping part , thinking outfits through , maybe pushing the boundaries a little.

Why should we be ashamed to be happy and enjoy part of our of our lives, I have told my wife now that I do enjoy it , and really don't care who knows.

[AllieSF]

I love myself as I am, and also as I was. Is that good enough?

[IleneD]

TraciiG

Love your story; the paragraph.
You are so correct. When I came to grips with my Inner Woman, she helped me shed the ugliest open parts of my maleness. Not ashamed now of my maleness/ masculinity, either. I understand and know better to govern it; but it is the grace and bearing of the real inner Me who rules.
Thank you for such a soulful post.

[bridget thronton]

She helped me be a better person (as I integrated both parts of my personality)

[Majella St Gerard]

I am proud of who I am , it took some time to get to this place. I used to care what people would say, but who cares. Just be yourself.

[lorisdream]

Exactly! I completely agree Bridget.

[Rachelakld]

At the age of 4, it was just who I was.
Then when it became sexual, well that was taboo, so ya, bit ashamed at that time
Once that phase of my life was over, I accepted both personalities and started a relationship (internal communication) which brought me comfort and pride

[Elizabeth G]

When I was younger I felt the usual shame, confusion, guilt etc. As I have gotten older I have come to accept and embrace this side of me. I like living in both worlds. I can cut down trees, rehab my house and open jars for my wife but I also have this strong feminine side which I can escape into .

[Annajose]

I am certainly proud of who I am. I have been ashamed at times and confused but I consider myself a good person. My only regret is the pain I have caused to my wonderful wife by not telling her and then being caught.
Now I struggle with the desire to be more of Anna and the desire to make my wife proud and happy. She is very understanding and tries very hard to accomodate my needs, bu Anna tries to grab all my attention all the time.
So there is a strugle, sometimes I wish I were "normal", but I am not and I accept who I am.

[Lacey New]

I am neither proud nor ashamed. I admit that I am in the closet but that is not necessarily do to any feeling of shame necessarily. For me, being in the closet is simply a way of maintaining the relationships, the connections and the credibility that I have built over the course of decades of life. If I were to be transplanted to another location as a person with no history or image to preserve, I probably would be very open about my crossdressing. On the other hand, am I proud of being a crossdresser? Not especially. Is how you dress or the clothing you wear something to necessarily be proud of? It is more how you handle yourself, how you speak, act and treat others more than the clothes.

[CarlaWestin]

Carla and I are very proud and unashamed of both of me.

[Amy Fakley]

I'm tired, but I am not ashamed.

It took me like 30 years of day to day struggle to untangle the mess of denial and shame and mental spaghetti from growing up in a hostile and unaccepting environment that wouldn't even so much as grant the space to admit trans people even existed, let alone consider the fact that I might be one, and that was why I felt and acted the way I did.

36 years as a matter of fact. Gone. Spending everything I had inside, just trying to prop up a facade that made every one else happy. The denial was so deep ... even though I was dressing when I could and all that, I even managed to hide it from myself. I didn't even know why I felt like a caged animal most of the time. Then one day I broke, and I finally found a perspective where I could fit all the pieces together, and I started to begin to accept myself for who I'd been all along.

The 6 years since I finally broke, there have been so many ups and downs. coming out to my family was the biggest rollercoaster ride ... and I'm still riding it, there are more good days than bad, though.

I'm not ashamed. I worked too damn hard to finally learn to love myself.

But like I said ... I am tired. If had some kinda magic button that could just go back in time and somehow make me born cis, I think I'm actually getting to the point where I'd press it. It's not that I'm not proud of who I am, nor even that I wish I was someone else ... I'm just tired ... of the anxiety, tired of the constant frustration, tired of the persistent nagging in the back of my mind that I am not who everyone thinks I am (if they only knew) ... I'm tired of the social isolation, I'm tired of the people who I love the most in my life losing it at random because of their deep seated shame of who I really am.

For that matter I'm tired of my people being used as a political football every few years and exacerbating all of those other problems, not just for me, but I'm sure for every other one of us. I'm just tired. Still I know brighter days are ahead, tired or not, we all gotta keep on keepin' on ... we gotta carry that torch through the darkness.

[DIANEF]

Never been ashmed of my crossdressing, though I did have the 'why' process many years ago. I definately think it has made me a better person, my health is better because I keep my weight in check and eat well, I have always thought it has had a calming influence on me, the only real stress I get is when I can't dress.
I love the fact that you can vary your look so much, male clothing is so limited compared to womens. True, it has it's downside, but the upside far outwighs that. Not ashamed of my male self in any way, just a normal everyday guy, but I do wish I had more (a lot more) Diane time.

[Georgina]

I am not ashamed. I am proud of who I am. I am one person who can strip an entire car and rebuild it, modify an engine, build a computer, build a wall and wear a dress when at home.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm happy to be myself Hon. Pride has nothing to do with it. Although I do take pride in my appearance whether en femme or en homme. :battingeyelashes::)

[Raychel]

It has been alot of years for me now,
I will say that for the most part I have accepted this part of me, and
truely feel more myself when I am dressed.

But there is always times when I feel slightly ashamed of this part of being me.
I guess that is part of life that I will just have to deal with :straightface:

[CONSUELO]

It took a while but I came to accept myself and dump any thoughts of shame. I'm not sure if "proud" is the right description but calm acceptance it certainly is.

[Beverley Sims]

Becky,
Shame, embarrassment and self consciousness passed me by a long time ago.

Get out and live the dream and think of other things.

Just love being yourself and walk tall.

[Dana44]

Shame left me so long ago. I look at it like a gift. Indeed most men will never have the feeling we have and it helps us shed our manliness ad be a stronger person and more creative.

[Tracii G]

Dana thats a good point I too look at it as a gift.

[Lily Catherine]

I am personally over the embarassment and shame, but not those around me; my family considered my behaviour shameful and shameless. I went through a considerably sexual phase, blended with the guilt we hand to all that is sexual and related to sexuality; I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel ashamed at that. Likewise I am still confronting religious issues that are central to my internal conflict (let's leave it at that). I can't say I'm proud either, with the greatest respect. This part of me is but one card in the hand I was dealt with, and I can't say for sure how far its impacts will eventually reach. It's nothing to be proud of, or to show off for the sake of it.

[Lorileah]

In my life, I will never be good enough for me, so in general I am always ashamed I never reached the potential I could have. But this is about being Trans, not life. No I am not ashamed, I am happy and proud of who I am and what I am doing, both personally and in the community. That was never an issue

[Lucy23]

For many years I was ashamed of my crossdressing; however, for a period of time I even hated myself for the desire to do so. To deny it, however, only lead to a greater discomfort. A man is not supposed to want anything of this, or so the society says.

"What is the point?" or "What is it good for?" or the like were the questions spinning in my head. I have never had a male role model or anyone out there who would be of any support and teach how to be a man. To top it off, I would compare myself to any man out there, only to find myself severely lacking in dating, strength, social network etc. I felt inadequate and a failure of a man. Fortunately, that is slowly changing now for the better and maybe that is why I am close to accepting, even appreciating this part of me.

I'm still wondering if there is anything in my life that crossdressing contributed to. For your ordinary man I do have a heightened sense to what is fashionable though and have been told I am more empathetic. However, the thought that there is a female part of me that would be responsible for this never crossed my mind. I am ME, all of these facets make my personality :)

[irene9999]

I've never been ashamed of it, just confused as to why I enjoy it so much. I do find that it's helped me become a better person as I feel I can empathize and understand females and see them more as equals and experience things that most men never get a chance to

[Territx]

Ashamed -- No; confused -- Yes; conscious/considerate of others and their attitudes -- yes.

I do this for me, not anyone else. I do not have an explanation of why I like to dress or the feelings it engenders in me. So, since I cannot explain it to myself, I will never be able to explain it to others. It is just part of me that I accept, but I cannot and will not force others to accept it just as there are parts of their lives and beliefs that I would not accept. But since I do this for me, it does not make a difference.

I know this is all very confusing -- that is what happens when there are two very separate and distinct parts to one person.

Bless any of you that can figure all of this out; you are way ahead of me and likely always will be when it comes to this aspect of our personalities.

[Kiersten]

Before I found this site, There was a time when guilt, shame and embarrassment was all I felt. I spent a lifetime where I went through a lot confusion and denial about who I was and what I wanted. Looking back on it I always viewed as a burden.

Now:
I no longer feel that way(I’m still a work in progress).
By embracing and accepting who I am, I love the journey that it has taken me on so far and I am truly looking forward to where ever else it takes me to in the future.
I believe I’m in a good place where both my male and female sides can peacefully co-exist. I no longer look at it as a burden, but a wonderful gift.

I really love being Kiersten sometimes and I feel that has made me a better person overall.

[Pat]

It's a complex question. I would say, yes, I am proud, yes, I am ashamed. Intellectually I'm clear on myself; emotionally I'm still carrying that kid living in 1950's Boston ruled over by nuns and given a moral compass designed by Rudyard Kipling. It's a complex question. But I'm really, really sure of one thing: I would not go back and change to being a cisgendered anything. Yes, the journey is tiring. But the same Kipling morality that whispers I should be ashamed also demands that I live my truth no matter what others think. It's a very complex question. Good one to ask -- thanks.

[HelenR2]

Proud, ashamed???
I yams what I yams.

[Rachael Leigh]

Wow what a question and well for many years I'm pretty sure I felt ashamed but in the last few years I've decided it's only
clothes what should I be ashamed of, I enjoy looking pretty and if that's how I am then ok and yes I'm proud of myself
and not arrogant just proud.

[Kandi Robbins]

November 16, 2016: I am DAMN proud of who I am! Now, does that mean I am going to run around telling everyone in my life about Kandi? No, I am not. Life is too complicated to simply say yes, do so and go about my business.

But I hold my head up high, especially on days like today. I spent the day with one of our sisters here on CD.com. We had a delightful day. I spent two hours with two drop dead gorgeous SAs dressing me like a doll at a consignment store and walked away with 2 dresses that look remarkable on me! I interviewed and was accepted by The Cleveland Museum of Art as a volunteer, now one of the hostesses for a monthly party they have and a number of other events.

Damn proud of myself for overcoming almost 50 years of denial, fostering a more loving relationship with the angel I have for a wife, being what I hope is a better father and becoming a truly happy person, inside and out. Two years ago I would have answered that I am ashamed, miserable, but now I am damn proud! I opened my mind to what was possible and while life isn't always a bed of roses, it certainly is a much better place than I could have ever imagined.

[Oria]

Both. I am ashamed because this love of dressing up interferes with my marriage. I am ashamed because despite of a ton of makeup I am still an ugly woman and will never pass. Proud because I shared with my wife even though I was terrified to be open and honest with her.

[AllieBellema]

I'm pretty proud of what I do. Plus, my cross dressing has branched out into crossplay so I have something I can proudly show off publicly without having to go into full details that I do also cross dress on the side as well!

[Sarah Louise]

I don't feel ashamed. I'm quite comfortable with who I am, but proud of wanting to dress, I don't think so. It's just part of me, that's all.

[Lana Mae]

I recently got to see Lana Mae. There is no shame and there is no pride. Harry and Lana Mae are one! I am happy and I am who I am and will continue to grow!! Look out world, I am out!! Hugs Lana Mae

[Natalie cupcake]

I am proud of who I am!! I love every part of being a gurl. The dresses, makeup, heels, the list could go forever.:daydreaming: I wish I could tell more people in my life about me but I don't think they would except me. Maybe someday.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Happy to be me!!!!

[Karyn Marie]

No, I am not ashamed at all, however, that was not always the case. You see, I am a retired police officer. I hated myself, because I liked to wear dresses and wished I had been born a girl. That just did not fit with the manly, macho image we tried to project. Inside, I was a flower girl, but on the outside, I was rough and tough. I tried to surpress the feelings I had, but just could not do it. I dressed every chance I got, which really was not that often. I always stared longingly at my wife's dresses and wished they were mine. I was not happy and took it out on my wife. I retired six year ago after a 30 year career. I was still unhappy, and after five years in retirement, we almost divorced. I did not want that to happen and decided it was time to seek therapy. Long story short, it was the best thing I could have done. I had never told anyone about my feelings, until I started seeing my therapist. She was so easy to talk to and I sang like a bird, telling her everything. She went on to say there is nothing wrong with wearing women's clothing, and wishing I was a girl. I also let her know I was bi-sexual, and enjoyed having sex with men. She asked if my wife knew and I told her she did not and I explained she would not take it well. With my therapist's help and encouragement, I finally gathered the courage about a month ago and told my wife everything, keeping nothing secret, including my attraction to men. To my surprise, my wife was very accepting, although she was not very happy I had been with a couple of me. We worked through that and has been very encouraging to my dressing. She has told me I could wear anything she had and I told her I planned to start my own wardrobe, and she could wear my clothes anytime she wanted to. I feel as though a ton of weight has been lifted, and we talk about this quite often. She has many questions, and I answer them all to the best of my ability. Am I ashamed now? Not at all. I have never been as happy as I am now, and our marriage has become so strong. I love who I am, and what I have become. I love being a girl. :hugs::cheer::cute:

[suzanne]

It took me a long time to come to terms with my feminine side, but I can now say I love her and wouldn't want to be forced to suppress her. I am not a complete, healthy person without her and I am at my best when both sides are participating in my daily life.

As for your "Whats the point?" standard. It's one I apply to many things, including crossdresssing. To me the point is that no one should be forced into either of the two gender boxes against their will. If someone has, to quote a well known young TG activist, a "girl brain in a boy body" they should be able to be who they are without facing ill will.

Those of us that can get out in public should do so, for two reasons. To show the world that we are normally functioning people worthy of respect, and to show the still closeted that nothing bad happens when we go out. Well, three reasons, actually. The most important is that this is me and how I want to be in the world.

[Krisi]

I am both proud and ashamed. I am proud of what I have accomplished in life but ashamed of some of the things I have done in life. In the end though, I am what I am just as everyone else is what they are.

I am neither proud nor ashamed of my crossdressing but I do keep it a secret to make life easier and to protect my wife.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Becky:hugs:, I have been in this program for over 69yrs. and I enjoy having the best of both worlds...:daydreaming:...

[Karmen]

I'm not embarrassed about my crossdressing (I don't think I'm doing anything wrong), but still can't tell anyone about that because of the society prejudices. It could badly affected my life... and not in good way.

[Kathie Pantyhose]

Depends on the day really. Some days I wish I was society's version of normal and other days I don't care. When it creeps in to the happiness of my immediate family though, it can be difficult to cope because in the end we all want to be accepted

[Ressie]

Pride should be in accomplishments and I haven't accomplished much as a crossdresser. I've felt shame, no doubt about that. But I was born (and/or nurtured) this way and I accept it.

[Bonnie Chan]

I'm neither proud nor ashamed. I'm just enjoying it and embrace the good thing about CDing such as understanding my girlfriend better. But in the past, I did feel guilty because I cared too much about what other people think. Now, not so much, especially that I have a supporting (and awesome) girlfriend to support me. But I have to admit I am still not ready to tell my family or any other of my friends yet. I guess I'm still embarrassed if my close friends find out this side of me and maybe I'm afraid they might not look at me the same way. But then so be it if that happens, that just means they're not really my true friends.
Now I don't feel guilty dressing or going out anymore. I feel life is too short and I better enjoy it while it lasted, as long as it's not causing troubles to others. I just don't care much what stranger people think of me anymore, it won't affect me because I don't know what they're thinking.

- Bonnie

[ImJessicaNow]

Im only ashamed of throwing out all my girls clothing, getting poor sizing but being to shy to return the items of clothing that didnt fit., and when I was buying I couldn't control my spending.

[Ally 2112]

I felt guilty and ashamed for years i purged more clothes than i can remember [well i always remember what i threw out] .Thankfully i am at the point where i really like what i am doing and accept myself

[njcddresser]

Hi. I'm very proud. Zero regret whatsoever. Accepting that this is who I am was one of the happiest days of my life.

My only regret is that Im unable to share it with more people that I care about. Perhaps some day.

[Teri Ray]

I like others am mostly confused by my desire to dress enfemme. I have given up trying to understand why I have this desire. Coming to grips with the "why" seems like a dead end question. After reaching this point I find I am neither proud nor ashamed of the desire. I just know that having the desire and opportunity to dress is part of who I am. I try to enjoy the opportunities I get to dress and try not to let my dressing define who I am. I am proud that being a crossdresser or not I believe that I am a good person overall. Well at least I try to be.

[Stephanie47]

I understand your question, but, I'd say I am totally proud of who I am. I am proud of what I have done and achieved in life. It has nothing to do with the clothes I wear.

Yes, as a teenager of the 1960's I was self loathing because I did not understand the "why" of wearing women's clothing. No Internet. No forums. Totally flying blind.

Now, I came to accept myself decades ago. There is no shame in wearing women's clothing. I do prefer to be an in-home cross dresser because that is my comfort zone.

"Clothes don't make the man! Or the woman!"

[Fiona123]

I struggle with shame. I would like to try some therapy. I'm don't know how to tell my DADT spouse about trying therapy.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm not ashamed of it, but I'm not out and proud of it either. Knowing how some other people respond to it, I simply don't bring it up, because I don't want it to be the thing that defines my life. I'm much more than a crossdresser, yet, once people know that about you, it's usually going to be the thing they think about first when they think of you.

Also, many, many people have pre-set ideas of what it means if a man crossdresses, and no amount of trying to educate them will change their minds. So I'd rather not spend lots of time dealing with all the questions, knowing that no matter what I say, they're still going to have the same opinion of me. I have better things to do with my life. Sorry to all those who believe that we should all be out, and front line soldiers in the war to make crossdressing acceptable, but I'd really rather be doing something else with my time than arguing with people.

[Pat]

I'm don't know how to tell my DADT spouse about trying therapy.

Isn't that covered under the DT part of the specification? If you broke your arm, you'd get the bone set. If you got diabetic or depressed or developed a rash, you'd get treated, right? So you've got an issue that's bothering you. It doesn't matter what it is -- get treatment. If your spouse doesn't want to hear about your condition, then don't bring it up in detail -- just say you're getting help with a problem and do it. (Of course, there's a high probability that if treatment is successful you and your spouse will end up talking about it.)