Remarks from strangers

[Nikkilovesdresses]

In another thread a gg mentions strangers coming up to her and her CD partner and complimenting them both. In another recent thread a CDer mentions a woman and child knocking on the window of her car to offer similar compliments.

WTF is this? Why do these people feel it's appropriate to offer their opinions to total strangers? OK they're playing nice, but it's actually no more appropriate than the bigots who shout abuse at us.

In what other arena would strangers wander up and offer compliments or insults to total strangers? Do they think we're exhibits in a petting zoo?

[bridget thronton]

Any act of kindness makes me happy

[Majella St Gerard]

I was at the bank the other day and I got sir'd and mame'd from the teller and then she said I looked very nice, whatever I'll take the compliment.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Nikki,
If anyone wants to talk about ME! About me! My eears are ready!
Now if they want to start petting me??? Well...
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Nikki,

I certainly understand your point. However if a stranger paid me a compliment while I was out en femme I would probably feel thrilled and take it as I assume it was meant.

Beth

[Teresa]

Nikki,
I have no problems with someone giving me a compliment, I guess that's because my wife doesn't accept me so a compliment is always graciously received . I don't mind telling a GG she looks good if the situation is right .

[alwayshave]

Tuesday, on the Metro (i.e., subway), I was standing next to a sister and while there was a lot complimentary I wished to say. I acted if she was another women on the train.

[ronda]

I get compliments all the time from strangers about my hair men and women alike I have long silver wavy hair. I rep[y with a thank you

[dolovewell]

I take a lot of the stories on this board with a grain of salt, I am sure some of them are made up. Not saying that the user who gave the "knocked on my window and complimented me" story is making it up, but there are some clearly embellished, exaggerated or flat out made up stories here.

I would not be OK with someone knocking on my window, even if it were to compliment me. When I am in my car and the door is closed, I consider that to signal I am in my own private space right now and not open to communication. I drive a convertible and nothing ticks me off more when I have my top down and panhandlers think this gives them open permission to walk up to me at a red light and badger me for money.

The only compliments I have ever received are from those forced to interact with me, such as SAs and employees at stores I am shopping at. I usually get complimented each time I go to an ULTA or Sephora. But as far as complete strangers? Never.

[junetv]

I don't think we'll ever come to a consensus agreement on this.

On the one hand, it's comforting to feel accepted by people in society. While on the other, it's brought into light that they see you as a man in dress (to some degree or another).

Just like the trying to compliment a fellow sister in the wild, it's seen as an insult by some as we are blowing their cover.

Let's just say, it's a start of something positive. I personally don't mind when I receive compliments, but for most part, ladies compliment the shoes ;)

[DIANEF]

Having not yet interacted with anyone I have no experience of this, but I think I would be slightly freaked out if complete strangers came up to me, nice or otherwise and started commenting on my look or anything else. You wouldn't normally do it to a GG, so why a CD. As for my car, definately off limits to anyone.

[Krisi]

If you are out in public "pretending" to be a woman and a stranger comes up to you and compliments you, this means that you failed to pass, plain and simple. People just don't walk up to strangers and do that.

The OP asked "In what other arena would strangers wander up and offer compliments or insults to total strangers? Do they think we're exhibits in a petting zoo?"

Perhaps they do. We are different and they don't know what to say or what to do. It's a bit like meeting a severely handicapped person in public. You don't know whether to ignore them or compliment them on how well they are getting by.

[Majella St Gerard]

Dolove, maybe you don't get compliments is because you walk around with that chip on your shoulder and that puss on your face.

[Sara Jessica]

If you are out in public "pretending" to be a woman and a stranger comes up to you and compliments you, this means that you failed to pass, plain and simple. People just don't walk up to strangers and do that.

Ummm, women do that quite often. Women tend to be more social when compared to men and are not averse to complimenting a total stranger. To be on the receiving end of such nicety either means we are being perceived as part of their tribe (whether we are read or not) or they recognize the care and effort taken to present as part of their tribe. Either way, why wouldn't we want to be on the receiving end of such compliments?

(Except when we're already in our car, totally agree with that one.)

Since when is being civilized to others...and actually being outwardly nice to others, something to be chastised? I just don't get it, seems to speak to what is wrong with people in these times.

[Krisi]

Sara, what does the "Ummm" part in your rebuttal mean?

[Lana Mae]

I think that it is not hey look at the guy in a dress I think they do not know what to do and feel that a compliment is showing their acceptance and it is OK that you are dressed that way! Maybe they want to counteract all the bigotry going on at this time! I think you are overreacting for the same reason they are reacting. Bigotry and hate cause even nice things to look bad. Look beyond the bigotry and hate! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[KimberlyJean]

I am working on saying thank you and complementing them on something they are wearing or a feature. I had a SA in Victoria's Secret tell me I had beautiful eyes. I didn't know what to say so I just barely managed to get out a thank you. I went out for halloween and the girl behind the counter at the coffee shop told me I looked awesome, her face was painted a sparkling blue so I said I like her face painting.

[sara66]

My first time out I was in a Lane Bryant and a lady saw me did a double take then came over a said " hey classy lady, you're lookin good". All I could do is squeak out a thank you. I was floating for days after that.
Sara :heehee:

[Sara Jessica]

Sara, what does the "Ummm" part in your rebuttal mean?

It means why would this be a newsflash.

[~Joanne~]

I would not be OK with someone knocking on my window, even if it were to compliment me.

I agree with this. I know a lot of girls would see it differently but to me that means that someone was sitting there just watching me to even know I was in the car and what exactly are they complimenting on when very little can be seen. If i stepped out of the car and someone did as they were passing, well, ok but to knock on the window? yeah I think that is made up.

[Beverley Sims]

Sometimes when we may not be passing well others feel that we need a confidence boost.

If it happens, just accept it and move on.

Always leave with a smile. :0-)

[Tracii G]

Learn to take a compliment for what it is.
It just might be a compliment on your outfit and not you as a CD.
Why get pissed when people are trying to be nice?
The activist attitude that some trans people have just comes off rude to people so keep that in mind.
I realize some snowflakes need their safe space but come on try to be nice to the person giving the compliment.
Maybe they don't know the CD rules of engagement so think about that.Nobody likes to be around a screeching trans activist.
So you are out there and want to be perceived as a woman/pass well thats not easy and you passing as a an actual woman is most likely not going to happen because most of us will never pass.
Wouldn't the civil thing to do is say thank you and go on your way?
I'll take a compliment any time if it given with the right intention.

[AnnieMac]

I kind of know what you mean though it's a little unsettling like maybe good or bad they should just be about their own business and not into yours.
Maybe it's like going up to a short person and saying, "Gee, you really don't look like a midget up close"
( i know, I know, I mean little person, but it ruins the effect)

[Lorileah]

When I am out, I dress to impress. I DO receive compliments frequently. I also get disdainful looks on occasion. When I first went out and would get a compliment I would look for the worst reason that person said something, sort of like Krisi and Dolove. There HAD to be a reason they said something and it couldn't be a good reason. But I learned, women aren't like men. They do compliment for no other reason than to show they like how you look or what you wear. And they will get in your space to do it. They were taught differently than men. Total strangers have fixed my hair when it was in my collar. Total strangers have smiled and said I looked nice and several have talked to their children about telling me the same (or apologized for a child saying a compliment). Think about it. As a man (male) how many times have you been in a parking lot in your tricked out chopped and blown GTO and have another man tell yu how great it is? Maybe even a few came to your car and asked you to roll down the window so they could tell you and/or admire the tuck and roll upholstery. Did you feel violated? "Hey man quit looking at my car. Sheesh, it isn't your place to compliment how much effort I put into it."

I learned early to smile and just say "Thank you". That was what I was told was the ONLY correct answer to "You look nice today."

[Pat]

Wow. A thread complaining about compliments. Sometimes this place leaves me so confused... Look, if someone tells you that you look nice, and that offends you somehow you can always tell them to screw off. ;)

[Teresa]

Lorileah,
Thanks for making that point, women do have many reasons to pass compliments even if it is a guy in a dress.

[AnnieMac]

Hmmm, you may have a point there Lorileah. Funny, I bought some regular old "Keds Looking" guy sneakers from of all places Payless ( makes me laugh that I actually bought guy shoes there because I usually by my large size women shoes there). And because they were burgundy red, not the usually guy color I guess, I got many compliments from females that have noticed my shoes (no guys have said anything yet and that tells you how much more women noticed shoes). Even though this is all drab mode stuff, I did really like women noticing and complimenting my shoes. Like being crossdressed with all the fuss and muss :)

[melissa_rinaldi]

About 25 years ago, I had a woman compliment me on my purple dress from behind. when I turned around to thank her she looked in a state of shock seeing I was not female. fortunately I have improved my look a lot since then so those occurrences are few and far between now. point is, I got a compliment when she had no idea I was not female.

[Lana Mae]

Lorileah, I like your example of the car and could not agree more! Hugs Lana Mae

[Kandi Robbins]

Complements are meant to be supportive, literally random acts of kindness. How can that be a bad thing?

I cherish each and every single one I receive and remember them for quite a while.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Wow. A thread complaining about compliments.


Learn to take a compliment for what it is.

No, that isn't my point. Let me put it another way.

Imagine you are hugely overweight and a stranger comes up to you, or knocks on your car window, and says, "Wow, it's so great that a person like you is actually out and about- good for you!"

How would you feel?


Maybe it's like going up to a short person and saying, "Gee, you really don't look like a midget up close"

Yup, that's exactly what I mean.

[AllieSF]

Nikki,

I got your point from the start. If you were that fat person then I totally understand how you would feel and have no issue with your comments. However, when so many here are looking for tolerance and acceptance from others, I believe that we need to have the thicker skin and accept that someone was trying to be supportive to us and our cause and their way of showing it in that moment was to try and say something nice, give us a compliment. The glass does not have to be half full. Looking on the positive side makes life better for everyone. If you wanted to be supportive of their efforts and it really bothered you, then thanking them and then telling them to be more careful in their timing and method of delivery next time may help prevent a negative response from someone more sensitive than you.

Most people out there in the real world are nice and trying to be nice, even if that effort comes off as awkward and maybe even a little negative. If people want to totally avoid that type of situation, then maybe they would be better off staying at home. I personally, like many here, welcome those efforts by others to be nice to us. I refuse to live in a glass house where the slightest pebble may make my world come down around me. I give everyone a lot of slack if I think that their intentions were positive. Very few people out there really understand us, so any interactions with them are worth the effort on their part nd on ours to help them better understand. Grouch gets grouch overtime. I prefer being nice and getting similar responses in male or female mode.

[Tracii G]

I have been morbidly obese and I the comment I got was "wow you look fatter in person than you do in your pictures.
Yeah not good and you feel like crap after that.
I get what you mean but you can't stay bitter your whole life either.
The saying you reap what you sow fits this subject to a T.

[Exris]

Im in several minds about this whole thread.

"I get it" about those that are brave enough to venture outside not wanting to be a zoo exhibit. I get that.

But not offering compliments being a good thing? I dont get that. I compliment others on their appearance all the time. Total strangers more than often. Iv never done it to a CD as the only ones I (formerly knew to be honest) know I dislike. I dislike THEM and why they CD.

But if a very attractive girl is opposite me in the train carriage wearing lovely clothes I will say to her "WOW - whoever your meeting had better be worth it!!". I dont creep on the girl. Im not ogling her. Im just complimenting her. And GUESS WHAT? Iv never been accused of hitting on a girl in that situation. My responses have ranged from "Uh.. thanks" up to a massive total of about 5 sentences.

I havent said it as much to older women. Those are the ones I might have ulterior motives for. Iv done it occasionally... it's never gone as well if Im being honest. Iv put a fair bit of grey cell heat into the why that is... I think I have the answer. It's in that I wouldnt say no... where I would to a 20-something. They are lovely pretty and pristine. I am older and scared and not pristine...

@Dolovewell. Cars eh? Yes your car is your personal space. It's a shield and a moat from the world around you. I dont go out... but I did get a chuckle about my race car thinking of it in that format you presented. Iv only driven it in man mode. Iv sometimes worn women's shoes... and often a garter. The shoes are easily hidden. The garter cant be seen under heavy jeans. But if any man had the balls to walk up to me in that car nomatter how I was dressed and compliment me Id be staggered. Staggered and impressed.

The world is becoming more tolerant. CD'ing is always going to be a niche interest area. It's never going to be mainstream. And there will always be those that detract us. Degrade us. Shame us. I cant help but wonder why we are so significant to them that they should do that...

Anyway. Back to @Dolovewell. There are no pics of me on this site so far apart from a terrible leg shot. There will NEVER BE a shot of "Mr Bishi" as my daughter calls him. If I did that then a 10 second google search would reveal exactly who I am... my address and possibly what I had for breakfast this morning. My car and me are not famous. But high profile enough in a niche interest area. It's set up for super track... but I occasionally drag it at Santa Pod. Runs low 10's. And things break. Expensive things break. And those "X game" type TV channels are often there. Im a ZZZzzzzzzz grade celibacy. Im not one at all as Im sure your getting the vibe. But I would be easy to track down.

Returning the conversation to the girl that had the door tap. Glad you had the moment. If I was in my Renault I wouldnt have liked it. In Mr Bishi... lol. I would have lol'd for hours.

[Tracii G]

Nobody would bother tapping on a window of a Renault.
If they did it would be to say where is the rest of your car toots?

[Stephanie47]

My first time out I was in a Lane Bryant and a lady saw me did a double take then came over a said " hey classy lady, you're lookin good". All I could do is squeak out a thank you. I was floating for days after that.
Sara :heehee:

Personally I would not have used a "squeaky" voice to accept the compliment. I think you'll agree she identified you as a cross dresser, and, was complimenting you. If you do not want to use your male voice maybe "mouthing" a thank you would do the trick.

Nikki,

I have not read all the comments, but, I totally disagree with you when you said "it's actually no more appropriate than the bigots who shout abuse at us." With all the crap that is going on with "bathroom" bills (with a lot more to come) I think their intentions are to show support for your right to be who you feel you are. In a similar manner as a Viet Nam combat infantryman I was totally ignored, if not scorned, and verbally abused by too many people. Frankly, it is nice now to have someone come up to me and shake my hand. Do I find it intrusive sometimes? Or embarrassing? Yes, but, I also have come to recognized their motivations are sincere and in some way they need to do it for themselves.

[Micki_Finn]

Um.... I offer compliments to strangers all the time. It's called being nice. Have we entered the twilight zone? Really, someone saying something nice is now being intrusive? If you're not ready for polite compliments you're not ready for socialization.

[sara66]

Stephanie,
I wasn't trying to squeak, I was just too scared to get out much more than a quiet squeak. She definitely made me as a CD it took a couple of seconds but I saw the recognition in her eyes.
Sara:heehee:

[Allison Chaynes]

I work at VF. I compliment anyone who wears something I like.

[irene9999]

Women compliment each other on their clothes all the time, it's only natural they would do that when they see us wearing something nice. Now if someone came out out of the blue on the street and started saying how nice I look I'd probably feel like I've been "spotted" and they think it's nice to see a crossdresser out and about

[ImJessicaNow]

I have very long lashes, and a girl at the bar came up to me to ask if I curl them to get the full effect. I told her I hadn't curled them in a while and she was so happy to hear that.

[BettyMorgan]

We can't control how other people think or feel or say. But we can control how we react. I think reacting positively to a compliment is the better route.

When I'm out/interacting in drab with GG friends and colleagues, I definitely notice that women compliment each other frequently. They often compliment each other on their looks; health, clothes, new shoes, etc. That doesn't happen with guys interacting with guys. When I am dressed and out, and receive a compliment, I am taken aback because I'm just not used to being complimented. However, I do feel they are genuine, and they are also letting me know that they are accepting of me the way I am (cuz I don't fool anyone).

[Alaina R]

Yesterday I was out to breakfast with my wife. I was in normal guy mode. A complete stranger walked up to my wife while we sitting at the table and complimented her on her makeup. The woman said that it looked so good that she was going to go home and work on hers to make it better. It made my wife feel great. So in answer to your question as to who does that kind of stuff - women.

[AnnieMac]

There is another thing I have have done several times. I do my fair share of business travel, so when I'm killing time at airports or waiting to board and such, I have gone up to women I have seen that I honestly like something that they are wearing, or shoes, jewelry, etc., and compliment them on how good it looks on them (this is in regular old dopey guy mode). I think they are thrown off by it a bit, somewhat shocked that a guy could notice such things, but are generally really pleased to hear it. They know it's not a pick-up line (what guy picking up girls talks about shoes!). Perhaps they just think I'm a gay man or something. But it is always a pleasant experience to interact with women in that manner.

[Krisi]

It means why would this be a newsflash.

Well why didn't you just say that? To me, it sounded snarky and argumentative.

- - - Updated - - -


I think that it is not hey look at the guy in a dress I think they do not know what to do and feel that a compliment is showing their acceptance and it is OK that you are dressed that way! Maybe they want to counteract all the bigotry going on at this time! I think you are overreacting for the same reason they are reacting. Bigotry and hate cause even nice things to look bad. Look beyond the bigotry and hate! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

Lana Mae, where do you find all this bigotry and hate you often post about? In my daily life, I don't see bigotry and hate in person. I see it on the TV news and Facebook but never in real life with real people. The real people I encounter seem to be friendly and polite except when driving a car.

[dolovewell]

Krisi you make a good point. I live in Portland and when I tell people I am from Texas they ask me questions like "So are people really racist there?" or "How bad is the intolerance and bigotry?". People act like there are certain areas of the country that are so bigoted and intolerant that the people there ride around in pickup trucks with shotguns and harrass/bully/attack LGBT people and people of color for fun.

I lived in Abilene, Texas and other areas of the south for years and never saw any bigotry or hate or intolerance. Not a fan of the south being stereotyped as such a hateful place - its really not. People are no different in Abilene than they are here in Portland. In fact I'd even say Portland and Seattle are more intolerant than the southern places I have lived, as they do not react kindly to political opinions differing from their own - just look at all the riots and destruction the past week. When was the last time you saw a car dealership in the Deep South get all the windows of their cars smashed in and broken because the people there weren't happy with the outcome of a political election?

I guess what I am trying to say is that a place is only as bigotted as you make it out to be. If I can crossdress without trouble in Abilene, TX, then I can crossdress anywhere.

[Krisi]

Thank you!

[Julogden]

Great idea, let's be furious with well-intentioned people for being nice to us.:brolleyes:

[ellbee]

Do they think we're exhibits in a petting zoo?

I get what you're saying. :)


When you get a compliment that seems a bit "off," you do have to ask yourself: Would this person have done this, otherwise?

If you *weren't* dressed, would that stranger still have come up to that couple?

If you *weren't* a CD wearing a particular something, would a GG still compliment that GG on it?

If you were in drab & a GG liked the men's shirt you were wearing, would she still come up to your car & knock on your window?


Etc., etc.


I think sometimes people go out of their way a bit too much in being nice in some cases. Why that is, is anyone's guess.

There are some who want to be "trendy," that it's cool to be accepting of CD/TG/trans/whatever -- and so they intentionally make it a point, *only* because of that. Is that necessarily genuine?

Some might have a trans cousin or something, and so they find you being out as being brave or something -- and "target" you specifically because of who they think you might be.

Some might not have any experience with a CD/TG/trans, and now that they find themselves with that opportunity to get up close & personal? Yep, just like someone would at the zoo.




If you're not ready for polite compliments you're not ready for socialization.

You're familiar with introverts, right? ;)

Some people out there find it *draining* to be around other people. They don't get their energy from social interaction -- just the opposite.

Believe it or not, not everyone craves being with others. Some just want to be left alone. And it has nothing to do with socialization.

[DIANEF]

Great post Laura. I posted earlier that it would freak me out if anyone approached me, that's only a slight exaggeration. I really do want to be left alone when out.

[Cheryl T]

We were shopping once and while in the checkout line a little boy in a cart a few feet behind us threw a ball. I retrieved it and gave it back to him. A few seconds later he did the same thing.
After about the 5th time his mom told him, "stop that now, that lady has other things to do besides play catch with you". I just smiled and felt all warm inside.

[Majella St Gerard]

I was just out at the supermarket, I was loading my groceries into my car and the woman at the car next to me, out of nowhere said she loved my hair. She said she loved the color and that she wanted to dye her hair that color but was too old for it. I said if I'm not to old then you're not. I said what are you 35, she said I knew there was a reason I liked you, I'm 47. I said well I'm 54, she said well you're rocking it. I was wearing my wine colored bob, ripped jeans, white cami men's white gausey shirt and wedges.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It seems that most crossdressers find it perfectly acceptable for a stranger to comment on their appearance, (as long as the comment is flattering).

I don't think you're thinking it through. I think the compliment is distracting you from the basic fact that they are effectively saying, 'Aw gee honey, look at the cute trans person - say - maybe they'd let us take a selfie with them! Fred and Wilma will be so amused.'

I just don't see the difference between that and being a cute little poodle with a pink bow in its hair. We're being ranked with babies and cute poodles.

Is that really the sort of recognition and acceptance that you want from society?

[Majella St Gerard]

com·pli·ment
noun
plural noun: compliments
ˈkämpləmənt/
1.
a polite expression of praise or admiration.
"she paid me an enormous compliment"
synonyms: flattering remark, tribute, accolade, commendation, bouquet, pat on the back; More

A compliment is by definition flattering. Whatever the reason I'll take it.

[jentay1367]

In another thread a gg mentions strangers coming up to her and her CD partner and complimenting them both. In another recent thread a CDer mentions a woman and child knocking on the window of her car to offer similar compliments.

WTF is this? Why do these people feel it's appropriate to offer their opinions to total strangers? OK they're playing nice, but it's actually no more appropriate than the bigots who shout abuse at us.

In what other arena would strangers wander up and offer compliments or insults to total strangers? Do they think we're exhibits in a petting zoo?


You can't know their motivations. All you can do is accept their compliment at face value. Who wants to be butt hurt at every possible comment thinking there's some ulterior motive?

[Sara Jessica]

Well why didn't you just say that? To me, it sounded snarky and argumentative.

It definitely wasn't argumentative, sorry you saw it that way. But snarky, yep. I'll own that one.


Some of the compliments and comments I've received from random women are stranger than fiction. I wouldn't necessarily doubt the veracity of any such tales in these pages...as long as a grain of salt was included.

Or not.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You can't know their motivations.

Well actually I think you can. Do you go up to people in wheelchairs and compliment them on their clothes and presentation? Don't you think they might find it a tiny bit patronising?

People see us as quaint, as curiosities. It's a bit like being a walking-talking Statue of Liberty.

[lingerieLiz]

Most of the compliments I've received the last few decades were about a blouse or something I was wearing. My looks are long gone. When I was a young skinny thing (well back in the 50/60s most all girls were) I was told that I was pretty or that my dress was etc. Most of the older women I know or interact with the compliments are "you look nice today" I guess that means yesterday you looked nasty. LOL

[ellbee]

Nikki,

I don't view *all* compliments like that. Just some.


A few might be obvious, while others could be questionable.

But I also think some are genuine, too. Please try to give those the benefit of the doubt. :)


And I'd much rather hear that than any kind of verbal abuse or whatever. Been on the receiving end of both, and I'll take a compliment, regardless of intent or motivation, every time.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I like giving and receiving compliments as much as you, Laura. People seem to think I object to compliments. I don't.

The point I'm clearly failing to make is that in our eagerness to accept compliments, we sometimes overlook the fact that others see crossdressers as legitimate targets for their views, both positive and negative.

It's as if we are part of some street carnival. Perhaps a drag queen is asking for it, but for most of us trying to blend in, isn't it simply further evidence that we do not?

[SarahSerene]

I admit that I would have been surprised had someone knocked on my car window to pay me a compliment, but my second reaction is that perhaps these are the first waves of what could be a flood of societal acceptance? I wonder if LGB folks experienced similar initial friendly interactions during their journey to greater acceptance?

I love receiving compliments while out - I cherish and acknowledge each one and I try use the resulting interaction to hopefully leave the person with a positive opinion of us. IMHO, it helps to let go of the illusion of passability (admittedly not easy at first). Once you are able to get over being read, then I think it is easier to accept a compliment at face value.

[Sally24]

I'd have to disagree with the OP and others. I don't think it's that unusual for people to offer compliments to others, especially woman to woman. I do it fairly often, in either mode. And it doesn't necessarily mean you were clocked either. I take positive comments from anyone as a positive thing. I don't think that makes me weird!

[Krisi]

I like giving and receiving compliments as much as you, Laura. People seem to think I object to compliments. I don't.

The point I'm clearly failing to make is that in our eagerness to accept compliments, we sometimes overlook the fact that others see crossdressers as legitimate targets for their views, both positive and negative.

It's as if we are part of some street carnival. Perhaps a drag queen is asking for it, but for most of us trying to blend in, isn't it simply further evidence that we do not?

I'm going with your posts. It's evidence that we are not passing or blending in.

I've never noticed anyone standing the center of the mall passing out compliments to everyone who walks by.

[dolovewell]

The fact of the matter is that I can see where Nikki and Krisi are coming from. Are the compliments genuine, or are they compliments given out of pity?

A pity compliment would be someone seeing a crossdresser and thinking "Oh, look at that crossdresser. Poor thing. Giving so much effort, I hope people treat her good. Maybe if I go over to her and give her a compliment, I will make her day, while boosting my own ego by showing that I am an open minded accepting person".

I don't know but to me, that doesn't sound like the type of compliment I would want to get, especially if they are using me to virtue signal boost their own ego.

Again, I have never, in all the times I have gone out in public, received a compliment from a stranger. With so many in this thread saying they get compliments from strangers frequently, it makes me wonder why I don't. The only compliments I get are from SAs for example when they are ringing me up at the register. But I have never had someone go out of their way to give me a compliment. Which makes me circle back to Krisi's point. If you are frequently getting complimented by strangers, I'd perhaps say its because you are not passing/blending in very well and therefore getting complimented out of pity. This isn't a subtle brag by me saying I do pass and that's why I get no compliments, but I feel like I do a good enough job with my presentation when I am out not to attract attention to where someone would feel pity on me.

[Majella St Gerard]

I view the compliment as acceptance. I know I don't pass but I dress nice and present well. I'm friendly and interact with strangers all the time regardless of how I'm dressed. I have given compliments to strangers on their clothes. I have also been complimented on my appearance in boy mode. Once while wearing cut off denim shorts a woman walked up to me and told me how nice my legs were. I think if you seem approachable people will ingage you. If you walk around with an attitude and look like a sour puss people tend to avoid you. Very few of us pass and honey you don't.

[Rachelakld]

I've given flowers to random women who have looked pretty (so I was a romantic at one stage of my life)
I've complimented women
But before doing so, there is normally a lot of non-verbal communications (he looks, she looks, he smiles, she smiles, she flicks her eyelashes down, etc) so connections have been made and your not really stangers by the time the words are spoken (check out how the mobile phone sales man at the mall works his approach or the Greenpeace collector).

The thing with compliments or insults is it all relise on the receivers attitude, being human means we can be negative to everything, positive to everything or a bit of both depending on what is happening in our little circle. So a negative personality would take a compliment as an insult (why they do that? whats their MO?) and a positive person an insult as water off a ducks back.

I had a lovely interaction yesterday, she complimented me, helped my take photos for my blog, wished me a nice day - I love New Zealand, people are so relaxed.

[AllieSF]

I don't get this "Pity" compliment idea. How about "Support" compliments? I believe that most of compliments given to trans people are either well intentioned and non-trans related, or trans-related and given as support to us for being who we are out in the general public. I accept all compliments unless meant as derogative and sarcastically negative, which I have never received.

Dolo, why you never get compliments may be caused on how you present yourself while out in front of others. If you look and/or act unapproachable. many people will stay away. If you look happy and friendly then more strangers may feel naturally comfortable in actually talking with you. We give out all kinds of subtle signals as to who we are and what kind of person we may be. That old saying about half empty or half full, actually means a lot. Very few people want to be around negative people unless they really know the real person inside. For strangers to get to know that internal persona, they need to feel comfortable and safe approaching the initial perception of who they meet. Something to think about.

[Lorileah]

I have been out with Allie and have never had so many positive remarks and compliments in such a short time...she knows of what she speaks :)

[Teresa]

Allie,
That comment is so true ,also in general life , I was a self employed photographer for thirty years if I didn't treat people in a pleasant affable way I wouldn't have had a business, now I'm out and about as a CDer being pleasant and open with people usually gets the same response back.

[Diane Smith]

Wow. I'm astonished by how many question the motives behind a simple compliment. I gladly accept all the praise I'm offered, and never ask why, or try to rate the sincerity of the statement. If people are inclined to say something negative, my experience is that they generally just do it, and virtually none are clever enough to phrase it as a backhanded compliment. At the very least, someone who offers a positive word has expressed some level of approval of your presentation and decided that you were safe and sane enough to approach and speak to. That's a good thing no matter what motivated it.

- Diane