Does my CD boyfriend really want to be with me?

[Meowmix]

Hi everyone,

I'm a heterosexual female and my boyfriend of three years came out to me about crossdressing a while ago. I'm freaking out because I can't tell if he genuinely loves me, or if he is settling for the societal norms. I can accept the crossdressing, but he has told me that he watches CD porn with guys doing guys. He also talked about how he doesn't get turned on from being the person who has to penetrate, and was unsuccessful doing so with his ex. He lastly told me that it doesn't turn him on to watch two regular guys have sex. Only when the man and the male crossdresser does. I'm fine being able to satisfy his fetishes and desires, but I'm afraid he won't be able to satisfy my needs as a woman. He likes the idea of being penetrated and other stuff in his fantasies. I haven't seen too many CD porn from my search that involves a male CD with a woman. What kind of questions should I ask him to find out his sexual orientation? I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a partner who could have a partner that is better suited for him.

[ClosetED]

Welcome to the Forum!
I read a story where the GG shows the naked boyfriend different stories/pictures to prove what turned him on. With him being naked, she could see his "barometer". So you could read him stories / show him pics of male/male, female/female, CDer/male, and CDer/female. Ones where the CDer is the receiver, others where the female has fun dressing the CDer or making him more feminine but still using the male organ in the typical way. What he says may not match how his body reacts.
Hugs, Ellen

[Gypsy Sam]

There is the fantasy and then their is the reality. Take things slowly and see where it goes. My hunch is being with you is the better choice.

[Leslie Langford]

From what you're telling us here, Meowmix, it's all about your boyfriend, his fetishes, and his emotional and sexual needs. Think about what he has done for YOU lately (if anything) in terms of contributing equally to the relationship and meeting your needs, wants, and desires as well, and that might give you your answer.

Sounds as if you have a consummate narcissist on your hands, and the crossdressing aspect of your boyfriend's personality should be the least of your worries here. He could be equally obsessed with another activity or addiction...indulging in regular non-CD porn, extreme sports, drinking, drug abuse, obsessive video gaming etc., all of which could also be all-consuming to him and result in shutting you out both physically and emotionally, so don't be too hung up on the crossdressing part as such. If he cared enough for you he could make room in his life for both his crossdressing and your relationship without sacrificing one for the other, just as you seem to have done for him so far.

[Teresa]

Meowmix,
There is a big difference between fantasy and reality, he's only looking at stuff as a voyeur , usually if you watch enough it burns itself out . Many of us go through this stage and move on without taking it any further. I appreciate you have a problem dealing with it and wondering what his sexual preferences are.
He will have to sit down and be honest with you, better you know the facts now.

You don't mention any ages so do I assume you are fairly young and have a great deal to explore, most of these thoughts do pass with age , maybe a counsellor could be of help to get him to open and and find what's fantasy and truth.

[BrittanyB]

Ditto what Leslie said. This sounds very much like a narcissist and that is likely to be trouble for a relationship. Relationship require balance, give and take. CD'ing is a big "take" for many relationships and should be offset by concerted efforts to "give" back to you in the form of things you like to do. Maintaining balance among each others needs is critical for success. It doesn't sound like he is interested in meeting your needs at all.

[Jesse Six]

Hi Meow,
He practically said what his sexual orientation is, without using the words 'bi' or 'gay'. Sounds like he is afraid of trying sex with a man (societal reasons, shame, internalized homophobia, blah blah), but if he did, he would probably like it. I've seen that a few times, and your description matches it to a 'T'. Would he like it more than sex with women? Who knows. The thing he said about not being able to do 'vanilla' sex with his ex, presumably a woman, is a big sign.

The question is, does that turn YOU on? Can you live with being in a relationship where your partner primarily wants this type of sexual satisfaction? Having a boyfriend that will either want you to stand in for a man, or a non-monogamous relationship where he sees other men? Are you sure you're not the one settling?

I don't mean to be hard on the guy, it's not *wrong* that he is the way he is, but he might not be compatible with a heterosexual woman. You should talk with him very openly about this.

I have met several people in this type of situation that were happy (cis woman + CD boyfriend), but these women enjoyed being with an effeminate guy, and enjoyed pegging their partner. So it was a mutual fantasy. If you're not into what your bf is into, I'm worried you might have a bad time.

[CONSUELO]

Meow,

He may not be clear about what his preferences are. You have to get him to declare all of his thoughts and desires regarding sexual partners and relationships. Counseling would be advisable to help that process but only if you can find one who has competence in the area of cross dressing and gender confusion. From my experience one's cross dressing desires can change over time and in somewhat unexpected ways. Whether this is a true evolution of the compulsion to cross dress or a slow understanding of one's true desires and needs is not clear to me. Also I find cross dressing to have a strong element of narcissism attached to it. This has been mentioned in some of the scientific literature on the subject. Finally, go to a bookselling site like Amazon or Barnes and Noble and find books on cross dressing and transvestism and fetishism. You can often get second hand copies of these books for much less than the price for new. Both of you should do a lot of reading on this subject and as you read your should be noting the critical questions that need to be posed and answered.,

Don't go ahead blindly. Get your boyfriend to be informed and honest about his needs. Honest with himself and with you.

[Jesse Six]

Meow,
Are you saying that when he's NOT dressed, he's able to perform and enjoy himself with you? Just a regular guy having regular sex with his gf?
If he's happy with you in guy mode, but his guy attraction only arises when he's in girl mode, then this might just be a fetish for him. Which is, manageable. But you have to talk it over, with or without a therapist.

When you ask about 'other male CDs', that's saying a lot. There's a wide range of CDs, from completely straight men, all the way to those who would probably prefer to live like a straight woman (i.e. looking like a woman, living with a man), and everything in between. There isn't one definitive CD personality type / sexual orientation.

[Meowmix]

Well we haven't tried anything in a really long time. (Never had intercourse, but we attempted once 8 months into the relationship. I'll also note I'm inexperienced and never had intercourse before. He likes giving oral, but that's been about it the other times. )Those ER visits the last two years were due to ovarian cyst ruptures, which were pretty painful. So I didn't have much of a sex drive due to that pain.

I'm not even sure asking about his history with his ex of 7 years was that useful because he said they had a terrible day to day relationship with each other and fought constantly. He did say the making up in bed part was nice though, but he couldn't have intercourse the times he tried. They were both each other's first experience.

It's further complicated because he's a long term porn user and he also takes care of his urges about everyday/every other day with it.

[ReineD]

What kind of questions should I ask him to find out his sexual orientation? I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a partner who could have a partner that is better suited for him.

Orientation gets fuzzy when a male incorporates sexual fantasies about being a woman. Many members here report being attracted to men when dressed (they consider this hetero), to women when dressed (they consider this lesbian), and to women when not dressed (they consider this hetero). Other members here have said they do have sexual relationships with women as men, but they can only bring themselves to orgasm when they fantasize about being the woman. So when a male-bodied individual fantasizes about having a female body, terms used in the cis-world like straight, gay, or bi, don't have much meaning.

Your bf has made it amply clear that what he looks for in a sexual relationship (he is not turned on by being the one to penetrate) is not the same as what you want (being satisfied as a woman). This could indicate sexual incompatibility, which is not good if you are considering a long-term relationship. It will only get worse. So you might instead consider first clearly defining what YOU need from him (be brutally honest with yourself with this), and then talking to your boyfriend to see if he would be willing to compromise, if he is even able to do this. He did say his past relationship was unsuccessful.

I'm sorry.

As to loving you, if you're like me (I'm a GG too), you take it that emotional and sexual love are tied together. But, your bf may be able to separate this. He may well feel love for you emotionally, all while feeling more aroused by scenarios that are not the mechanics of a hetero (male/female) sex that arouse you. Many couples have deep emotional bonds without experiencing sex lives that are fully and mutually satisfying and reciprocal, especially as they age if they've been together for decades and their sex life has lost its lustre. But if you're young, I don't blame you for wanting it all. When couples have a deeply connected sexual relationship, it adds volumes to their relationship as a whole.

I just saw your post above ... be careful with the porn. A bit of porn once in a while can add spice to the sexual relationship, but often times habitual porn users lose the abillity to perform to the same degree in real life with real people. There was a study done in Italy with about 2,000 cohorts. They discovered that in our day and age of widely available porn on the internet, there was a significant amount of young male porn users who experienced ED with real partners. Young men.

[Meowmix]

I will also say that I'm 31 and he's 30. He wants to get married, but I'm feeling hesitant about going through with it now...

[ReineD]

It might be wise, Meowmix, to resolve this before you get married.

[Steeltownfella]

Hello meowmix and welcome. I recently have begun to cd in lingerie with my wife. She also knows of my past bi history before we married. Monogomy is a wonderful thing as is trust. My wife and I mentally role play sharing sexy stories and fantasies to see what excites both of us. We dont act on them but it spices up the bedroom and brings us closer. Maybe try this with your man while lying beside him and see what he likes. It will probably be you involved in the fantasy and hopefully bring you two closer.

[TrishaTX]

Mello and welcome...at age 30 much of what he has shared with you I was interested in as well. I also wanted to get married at that age. You have to decide how open you are to g=his want to try things, what you can satisfy for him and what he does for you. You can also message me if you want to talk more and ask questions...but good luck.
'
I would also suggest a good marriage councilor or therapist to talk it out. Find one with a gender background.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Getting married or having a kid doesn't fix a relationship problem...it will only make them worse. That conclusion comes from 48 years of watching friends. Em

[Meowmix]

So he told me that the reason he's aroused by male parts is because it's symbolic of dominance. He said even if the best sex could be with a guy, he wouldn't want to do anything with them after. He wouldn't want a male companion to watch movies, cuddle with, go on dinner dates. That said, intercourse with a woman could be a problem because it doesn't get him aroused. He said we could try, but it most likely won't happen that he could get hard enough even if he was doing it dressed. He said a guy can't have sex 24/7 so a good relationship overall is better than just having potentially the best sex with a man ( which he doesn't even know if that's the case.) I did ask if he could take something to help him stay erected longer, but he would prefer not to. His preference is to try and see if it works for the next six months, or use a toy on me.

[Meowmix]

I guess my concern is whether I can have intercourse with him... Whether he dresses up or not.... He said dressing up did not help him have intercourse before. He's not put off or disgusted with a vagina... It just goes against his views of dominance and submission.

[chelyann]

i think its time to cut your loses, this is not going to end well for you and having a happy life looks like a slim chance

[jen_ross]

If it's just a dominance and submission thing, this is something that could be easily worked with (positions, role play). If it's desiring different physical parts or a different fundamental role in one's partner that is a lot more difficult, probably impossible. Definitely sort it out before getting married. Sex is really, really important in a marriage, think you know that. I really hope it works out for you.

[docrobbysherry]

Meow, let me play this back for u:

He got married way too young. Then, divorced. Showing a lack of maturity. He was in his super prime as a male but couldn't get it up with his ex.

He's attracted to men.

U haven't had intercourse because he isn't interested in sex with women.

U haven't mentioned if he satisfies u, but I'm guessing without intercourse in the long run he can't.

He's a complete mess about his sexual direction.

He wants to get married again. Revealing a continuing pattern of immaturity.

U sound like very sweet caring woman. He realizes what a prize u r even if u don't. And, he's trying to hold on to u.

U deserve someone who wants u, appreciates u, and wants to satisfy u. After reading my post above, do u think he is capable of any of those things? Even a naive, inexperienced person should know what u have to do.

Run as fast as u can!:brolleyes:

[ReineD]

Meowmix, docrobbysherry has spelled it out nicely.

So we get back to what YOU want. You're still young, at 31. Are you satisfied with just having an emotional relationship like best friends (for life), or do you want a full romantic relationship that includes mutually satisfying sex. Because it doesn't look as if things will improve after marriage. In fact, if he does progress with the CDing, he might want to follow through eventually with having sex with men or other CDers.

[CONSUELO]

After reading the additional, and critically important , information offered by Meow, I would agree with Doc.

[Lana Mae]

Reading thru all of this and agree with Docrobbysherry-run fast and hard. He sounds like he is all for him not you and him. It is only an ideal but when you get married the two become one-mentally, emotionally and physically. Married =we not I. Best wishes going forward. Hugs Lana Mae

[Territx]

Hi Meowmix. I just came upon this thread and read through all of the comments and your ongoing input. I applaud your attitude and effort to investigate what it means to be interested in crossdressing.

I think that there is a lot of good advice here, but it seems to me that there is missing information. My suggestion is that, if you really like and want to stay with this guy, knowing what you do now, then you need to have additional conversations with him. Both of you need to discuss each other's needs and expectations. Recognizing that life involves some continuing evolution, you need to have some substantial understandings and agreements of where you are now.

Bottom line, it sounds like he does not know what he wants in a "real relationship". "Reality is not fantasy and vice versa" -- especially the fantasy that is shown on porn videos.

You sound like an amazing person -- I truly wish you all of the luck in the world! Most of the people on this Forum would be overjoyed to have someone that was willing to discuss and accept their interest in crossdressing.

[Meowmix]

He wants to try (among other things) having intercourse for the next six months. Could I challenge the dominant submissive role by doing things ? Being dressed or not does not change his preference for anal and oral sex, so now I don't think it's CD... It seems CD enhances his pleasure, but not his preference.

- - - Updated - - -

I also posed this idea... (chances are if never do it either) He would never want to try a three way with a bisexual man. I know he is against sleeping around for fun. He wants there to be trust to touch his body.

- - - Updated - - -

And he said if we did break up, he'd look for a relationship with another female again.

[Jesse Six]

You can certainly try - doesn't hurt to play around in the bedroom. Talk about it openly, discuss what you both want, and what you're willing to try to make the other person happy. Your needs are important too. After all, you're looking at a long term relationship, right?

Perhaps since his previous relationship was so awful, it tainted his sexual experience. Perhaps trying it with a partner he's comfortable with will be different? Just don't bet your future on it.

[Teresa]

Meomix,
After reading all your replies all I can see is you are going round in circles with him, he's not being fair with you, he really must stop telling you what he thinks might work to please you, please tell him straight to get some sexual counseling to get to the truth of his needs or be prepared to walk away.
You are young enough to find a balanced relationship and have a family, I just can't see it happening in your current situation and you deserve it, why should deprive yourself of those pleasures ?

[Exris]

Meow,

Every-time I have put my size 9 feet and planted them in someone else's relationship... Iv regretted it.

But you need to get out of this one. CD'ing is fine. It's FINE. Even in a hetro relationship. As strange as it sounds... also wanting to be a woman in a hetro relationship is FINE. Thats me right there. I adore women. Adore them so much I would happily cast off my maleness and be one. If not for the consequences... ones I cant face up to.

And Id still be utterly happy with a GG like you. A real wholesome girl. I would be happy. I would still have 1st prize and noone would prize from my hands.

But your BF doesnt seem to be. Im no physiologist... but he seems very confused. I cant place myself in his position... as thats not my position.

I can only offer weak advice. And that is to spend a month apart with no contact except (maybe) SMS.

If your back again after that month.. and your still sure this is worth progressing... then progress it.



I hope my poor attempt has helped.

[Meowmix]

Thanks everyone. I signed up for couples sex/marriage counseling... Though I'm going by myself for now... All I want is to understand who the person I love is... I have some faith he will come later with me... If not, I'm sure the therapist will tell me some of the same things voiced here. To leave, if his secret is more important to him. It's a very sensitive and personal examination of his life no doubt, but this is also my life right now.

- - - Updated - - -

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your support. My boyfriend told me what's been going on with him. He became obsessed with the high he gets from using porn and started to do all sorts of stuff like researching ways to increase his pleasure when the old stuff stopped working for him. He even went towards finding hypnotic porn material. I think it took him a while to realize that I'm actually here. He wants love in a sexual relationship with me now. He told me that if I did not tell him to cut back on the porn, he'd keep using it. But in the interest of our relationship, he decided he would quit the porn videos and hypnotic porn, and eventually stop reading the stories. This definitely was beyond CD... He's not open to seeing a therapist to talk about this and does not want me to see one until he feels comfortable about me sharing this info about him. He apologized for doing something stupid. I feel pretty hurt he'd jeopardize our relationship this way, and I'll still push on the therapy. I'm afraid he could relapse into it. He's tired of us fighting the last 5 days over it and I am too. He didn't like all the questions I asked and felt persecuted. Again, thanks for all your support. I will call it quits if we never get to therapy. I'm thinking a month from now, I'll have a better feel for how things are changing. I wish it was something we could fix sooner rather than later...

[Tracii G]

Welcome meow.
I'll be honest with you and I'm sure some here will rag on me for it but this guy is one hot mess I would get out quickly.
Its obvious he is addicted to porn and lives in a fantasy vacuum.
Not wanting to talk to a therapist or getting mad that you want to shows he could care less what you want in the relationship.
Its just me talking here but I think this guy is feeding you a load of crap and can't admit he has trouble getting his male thing up.
If he always has an excuse then that causes red flags to go off in my head.
Take a long hard look why do you say you love him?
Are you just settling for any interested person because you think you need to be in a relationship?
Feel out of place because all your friends are married and you aren't?
This guy has way too many issues and they are the kind of issues that you can't do anything to change no matter how hard you try because its clear he isn't willing to change.
I wish you the best and all I'm saying is what I would do, you can do what you want.

[Elizabeth G]

Well I got one won't rag on Tracii. It is a blunt, but I feel accurate assessment. The lack of willingness to seek counseling seems remarkably self centered and goes back to the previously discussed narcissism. There are just too many red flags here.

[Meowmix]

Hi everyone,

He told me he's been live chatting in the three years together with men who likes crossdressers (he said there are few females who are on live chat who are into CD), prefers to read porn of male and crossdresser. ( He's read a variety of porn, first the vanilla stuff, then he found the d/s stuff, tried a couple other ones that didn't do it for him, and now only reads male to CD, instead of female to CD) I brought up watching gay porn, and he freaked out. I got him to see that he's addicted to porn/sex, and now he will go to counseling with me immediately. He said he has never felt the crush reaction to a man his entire life... But he also thought sending email pictures of himself crossdressed to guys and live chatting with them wasn't cheating or a violation in our relationship. He said he somehow tricked himself into thinking what he did was okay, until we talked about what a relationship means. I told him he needed to find out, and if his desire for men was not porn induced, then he should let go of the fantasy of a normal relationship with me. I agreed to see it through with couples/sex counseling. I care for him, and our relationship was not awful in general, so while my heart is sinking, I want to help him know who he is, and of course get him into counseling for sex/porn addiction. (F**k....)

- - - Updated - - -

He said finding out if he likes men terrifies him because I would leave, and he truly deeply feels love for me. I told him that he would be free to find the best relationship that will make him feel whole, instead of keeping a really good one with me. Plus since there are more men into CDs, I don't think he will have a hard time finding the right partner.

:(