Question for SO's & those who hid their CD'ing from their SO's

[ellbee]

You mean to tell me that you/they didn't know about the CD'ing?


Absolutely *no* idea whatsoever? After 1 year? 10 years? 20 years? While living under the same roof?


Didn't suspect a thing in the slightest? No hints? No clues?


A total surprise when you/they finally came clean? What about women's intuition?



I do find that a bit odd. How is that possible? Help me out, here? :strugglin

[IleneD]

HA! Not possible.

I know for years I threw off a scent of my CD. And my CD life in marriage was not prolific. It was limited to infrequent, off/on wearing of panties or lingerie items, pantyhose, etc. Under-dressing. If I messed with makeup (the wife's) it was for a few minutes, long enough to get the effect and wipe it off. There was at least one "panty find" years ago. I somehow weaseled out a sorry explanation.

In the months leading up to my Coming Out, I unconsciously was 'feminizing' my daily personal appearance. I was wearing scarves and bandanas. Wearing leggings often (finding "exercise" excuses to wear them all day). I had been wearing panties almost exclusively (on the premise that they fit better than my male briefs - and they did).

AND.... I'd been spending a lot of introspective time (bike riding, hiking, etc.) thinking about my life long struggle with gender issues and sexuality. Let me tell you, my sisters. If you have any kind of wife/spouse/partner at all, and you're going through a soul-searching, it gives off a "scent" no matter how quiet you may be. They know something is cooking inside you.

It was interesting. When the S.O. and I had The Talk, I was surprised how she knew and saw nearly every hint I shed of my feminine side; yet never fully put all the pieces together into a cross-dressing picture. The fact that I've always been a known "eccentric" in my normal habits, personal effect, and the way I go about things readily "explained" and covered for most of my weird Femme character traits.

My conclusion is that most people "tell on themselves", whether they know it or not, even if they try to hide it. The soul has a tendency of finding it's own ground like water. Things leak out.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Laura,

I just went through this (actually"am going through this" is a more accurate term).

I would say that my wife had absolutely no idea whatsoever. When we first met and for several years afterwards I wasn't dressing, so of course she didn't know because these was nothing to know. I started up again but was very careful to cover my tracks so to speak. About six weeks ago that all changed. I got careless and she found something. This was not how I intended to tell her and she was taken by surprise to say the very least (shocked, floored, thunderstruck... take your pick).

We are working through things now and I'm "cautiously optimistic" that we'll get through it but there is still a long road ahead.

So I would say no, she had no idea about my dressing.

Beth

[Samm]

Only my current wife new I was holding something in. Even though I had not dressed for the first year we were a couple. (And many months before we met.) Her reaction.... she stopped in her tracks, laughed in relief, and said "that's all?"

[DIANEF]

I posted a thread a few months back about your SO knowing before you told her. As a very long time closet dresser I asked if others had a similar experience to myself. It seems many believed my wife probably did or does know something, but has never let on about it. This has always confused me slightly. We've been married 30 years and together about 32 and for her not to know I find almost unbelievable. I am going to tell her eventually but have no idea what the outcome will be, it couLd go well or spectacularly badly. She may have taken a DADT attitude because her biggest fear is being left alone, and if we split up I fear what she might do to herself as she has health problems and weight issues. I wonder if she has said nothing in order not to rock the boat, so to speak, she can be very unpredictable at times and is very hard to read. On the other hand she has hinted about things in the past, like asking if I wanted my nails painting when she does hers, when I picked out a dress for her when shopping she said it would look better on me than her as just a few examples. I'm really not sure what she knows.

[Judy-Somthing]

I was out to at least ten friends when I met my wife.
I guess everyone thought it was just fooling around and not any kind of a need or desire.
My mother knew and thought very little about it.

For about the first ten years of my marriage I dressed full makeup one or twice a month while the wife was at work.
Also three times for Halloween.

As our children got older I stopped for about fifteen years, to busy with family life.

One time when my daughter was 14 se found a box with about ten of my formal dresses.
I told everyone they were throwing them out at the Bridal Store and I thought I could sell them on eBay.

Now that my children are all moved out I started dressing again, maybe I'm just trying to recapture my youth!

I tried to tell the wife this year but she didn't like the idea at all so I stayed in the closet.

I guess people only see what they want to see.

[alwayshave]

My ex-wife was the biggest snoop in the world, looked through everything. I actually kept any of the things I bought for myself in with her old clothes, hiding in plain site. I knew if she was looking, she would be looking in my stuff. So no she never found anything and I don't think she suspected.

[Lucy23]

My last girlfriend of year and a half had no idea, though dropping hints here and there I was.

We were walking past a patisserie that was formerly a dress rental store and I said there used to be some beautiful dresses on display. In a rather playful tone she said that I sounded like their customer. On another occasion we were invited to a deposition, a kind of semi-official party with dress code, band, and drinks. Exhilarated, she was making up our costumes and again in rather playful tone she said we should go as twins. Casually, I said okay and added that I would want to wear heels. She looked at me, chuckled and off her mind went making up other costumes (sigh).

However, there were a few more occasions such as these that ended more or less the same. Not going to bother you with them. If that wasn't enough to deter me, her reaction to seeing me in her shorts was a profound wake-up call that she wouldn't take a liking to it. I wasn't busted, mind you. I asked beforehand whether I could try them on.

But to be honest, all this happened around the time I wasn't comfortable with my dressing at all, on the contrary, it served only to add more anxiety and shame to the whole thing.

As to why she might have been oblivious to it I think I might know. She wanted a man in a rather old-fashioned way, to feel that she was the feminine and he was the masculine aspect of the relationship. Any indication to the contrary would be a total upset of the balance and she wouldn't have any of it. But that's only my interpretation :)


Her reaction.... she stopped in her tracks, laughed in relief, and said "that's all?"
Here's me hoping for that same reaction one day :)

[CONSUELO]

So, I practiced the absolute honesty route and told my current wife before we were married that I was a transvestite. She was staying in my flat and while I was at work she searched through my drawers and found my lingerie. She said she wanted to get married anyway but once married, she decided she did not like my cross dressing. So I hid my cross dressing after a fashion for a little while and then decided that I would not do that anymore and dressed openly. She was very upset at first but more or less accepts it now. I just go ahead and do what I want.

So lesson learned for me is that even being honest and up front does not help necessarily.

[JocelynJames]

My x wife never knew- 16 years together, 13 under the same roof. Early on we were going to do the CD for Halloween thing
With me as a cheerleader. I was a little too enthusiastic and was slightly chastised. We didn't end because of my CDing.
Second (current) wife had no idea until we were married 5 + years and I told her. She said in retrospect she should have seen things that pointed that way , but I had many other traits that scream male.
All is goo now after 5 years more( she was accepting after about 4 months and has seen I do not wish to transition)

[Teri Ray]

Well this question is about what we believed.......I thought I was a master cover up crossdresser who never left an obvious clue behind. I now believe looking back there were often many crossdressing clues left out but I was not smart enough to notice. Sometimes these clues were hidden in plain sight. Anyhow to answer this question mark me as yes my wife knew. She at least knew something was amiss. Maybe not putting the crossdressing puzzle pieces together totally but eventually she came to ask me and we then had "the talk"

Gotta say however having her know openly about my dressing desire has been so much better than maintain my false belief of dressing being my secret.

[abby054]

...She said she wanted to get married anyway but once married, she decided she did not like my cross dressing...So lesson learned for me is that even being honest and up front does not help necessarily.

Here is an observation that many of us, me included, may miss. The lack of honesty, deception, and hiding that we engage in can just as well be done by our SOs and probably more convincingly. That is a sobering thought.

[nonameyet1234]

I'd call it a comedy of errors as opposed to women's intuition in my case. My wife found out when she noticed the feet on a pair of her nylons was quite stretched out. I had been itching to come out so I took the opportunity since she was pretty nonchalant about it when she mentioned it. Turns out the pair of nylons she was referring to were ones I had never wore. It was her feet that stretched them out. I told her this and she was upset about having big feet. She couldn't care less that I was wearing them...well not them, but a different pair. :)

In the time since we have talked about whether she knew or not. I thought for certain she did as there were times I'd slip up and there was no way she couldn't have figured it out. But no, she had no idea. We get a big laugh out of it now when I tell her an "almost caught" story and just how unobservant she is. She also finds it amusing how paranoid I was that if she ever found out it would cause all these problems.

[Cheryl T]

She had no clue what so ever after 10 years. Then she found the trimmings of a picture I took of myself and recognized our living room.
Then she went snooping and found the photo in my wallet.
The conversation went like this ... "Who is she?". Who is who...what are you talking about. "Who is She?". She Who?? What are you talking about. "The woman in the picture in your wallet, WHO IS SHE?".
Ohhhhh, well, that's me ! No it isn't, "WHO IS SHE?"
Ok, just wait here ... (out to the car for my stuff) .. Let's see, Brown dress - check, coffee stockings - check, brown ankle strap heels - check, dark brown wig - check ... do you want to see the makeup too????
Then came the ????? the crying the nights lying awake talking and finally dressing for her, more talking and at last acceptance and assistance.

She the love of my life and I am so lucky to have her by my side.

[Tracy Irving]

I told my wife before we were married so I can't add anything but I love reading all your stories. Keep them coming...

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I were first married and before my desires to wear women's clothing was pushed aside. I have always thought back and pondered why I was totally devoid of any desires while I was in the army and some years before. After I proposed I thought as to whether I should tell her of these desires. The 1960's were a very confusing time for me. I decided not to tell her because I truly felt it was some youthful "fooling around." Anyway, after we had been married for a year I thought I'd try on one of my wife's floor length nightgowns. It is white. I use the present tense because that peignoir set still hangs in the back of the walk in closet. I was standing in the kitchen drinking a glass of water when she walked in on me. ???? I told her I like the feel of the nylon. She thought it was no big deal. We ended up shopping for lingerie for her and I at Macy's on Herald Square, Gimbel's, Lord and Taylor and all the mid town Manhattan stores. We bought several gowns for me to wear, and, I still have the knee length pink peignoir set. We also ended up buying me a garter belt and stockings. It was nothing more than fetish bedroom play.

Then my desires expanded. I ended up buying full slips which I believe she knew about because I did not try to hide them. They were in the bottom draw of my dresser. But, one day our three hear old daughter (1983) pulled open the draw while exploring and pulled out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra. That precipitated "The Talk." No more kinky fetish attire in the bedroom. I guess "kinky" with benefits for her was not the same as emulating a woman to some degree. Enter the DADT era which is still going on. Once in a while I have forgotten to pack away a panty or a bra and she will put it on top of the washing machine. Once she found I had forgotten to dispose of my "breast enhancements," i.e., water balloons. :) All this has caused her NOT to snoop because she probably does not want to encounter anymore. So, my wardrobe is hidden in plain sight in 18+ Xerox boxes in the converted garage.

I believe most women do know or suspect, but, they do not want confirmation. It's the ostrich effect.

[Becky Blue]

I think the likelihood of an SO suspecting would probably depend quite a lot on how we behave. If we start doing things that provide pointers then they will much more likely suspect. Any spouse is going to suspect that something is going on if there is a change in behavior. For example if a husband suddenly start shaving his body hair, his SO would wonder why. Unless there is a reason to think CD/TG she would probably more likely think affair (other person likes you smooth).

Without a reason for a SO's thoughts to go there its probably very unlikely a SO would intuitively pick up that there SO was CD/TG. That being said a lot of us are knowingly or unknowingly sending out markers.

[TrishaTX]

My wife said she knew something was wrong...but she also did not suspect I was gay etc....well she knows now and see how some things connect. You can't fault them, they want to believe that we are ok, just some issues...who wouldn't,,

[WandaRae2009]

I kept it secret from my wife for over 25 years. She didn't have a clue. She found out after I made a slip up and she found a pair of panty hose in my brief case. I would often underdress with them at work. One day, I had taken them off before leaving work for some reason, and I forgot I left them there. She went to put something in my briefcase and found them. Her first thought that I was having an affair. As we discussed it, she said somethings now made sense. We did a Halloween thing once and I went as a woman and she said it now made sense that I was into it so much. I think as I got older the urges got stronger, and it was inevitable I would make a mistake.

[Kitty Sue]

My wife does not know. Although, I did tell her about a gay experience I had long before we were married. I also told her about a cross dressing outing in NYC. The thing is I feel like shit keeping all this from my wife. She is a great woman and deserves to know the truth. We have a daughter now and I don't know that I can really be the man my wife deserves. I am not happy in the marriage. I have not seriously cross dressed since married. I am living a life so different from the one I used to know.
I think divorce is the ultimate solution here. My wife and I have issues to be sure. One of the biggest being my dishonesty with this woman.
Hell I hardly ever come to this site any more as I try to suppress who I am.

Not happy. :sad:

[SharonDenise]

I came out to my wife while we were still dating. She accepted and supported my behavior during the forty years that we were married. Unfortunately, she passed two and a half years ago. It was a secret between the two of us while she lived. I've become more open since she died and its a mixed bag of supporters and non-supporters. I didn't know how good I had it.

[sometimes_miss]

Nope, she had no idea. I'm good at covering my tracks.

Woman's intuition? That's a fantasy. It's based on 'reading between the lines' in discussion, body language, and other non verbal communication. Not to mention, it's often wrong.

[Jenni Yumiko]

She didn't, but after I told her she said there were some things that made sense now. I'm definitely an alpha male when not dressed.

[mona lisa]

I would say I am 98% sure she does not know.

The only possible tipoffs so far are that my wife knows I hate bodyhair below my eyebrows so I often shave my legs (twice a week), stomach (twice a week) armpits (every couple months) and other parts of the body. I also told her years ago (in an aside kind of way) how for a couple Halloweens many moons ago I dressed as a hooker.

I am not sure she has put the math together on this stuff yet though a couple times, I thought she might...she called me a "good girl" a couple times which I responded to with "well thank you" and batted my eyelashes at her in the most absurd way so it appeared I was not taking it so seriously. I also use a girls avatar on Facebook but she also knows its of an actress I have a crush on so it appears rather innocuous that way. (She uses a photo at times of a male celebrity she has a crush on so it works both ways.)

Next time we go for pedis (its been quite a while since we went together for one!), I am thinking about requesting colour for my toes. (Last time we went together, I had clear polish put on.) If she objects to the colour, I will say that like Chuck Liddell I am curious to see whar my toes look like painted and will pick a colour claiming it is one of the colours of my favourite NFL team.