Staying safe

[Helen_Highwater]

So some of you will have noticed I’ve been posting about my recent road trip and you could be forgiven for thinking that my take on getting out and about is, “Nothing to worry about, just do it, all will be fine”.

There is a certain credibility to than sentiment but it’s equally as true to trust your spider senses when going about your business.
On the last night of my time away I planned to visit a Chinese restaurant I’d frequented before. It’s situated in a residential development, just outside the town centre, so less likely to have folks who’d been in a pub for a few hours and then decided to get something to eat. Another advantage of this place was there are windows on 2 sides so it’s easy to see in and gauge the diners.

So dressed in my LBD and heels

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I parked nearby and did my little fly by. Looking through one window I could see a mixed gender group of about 15 or so 18-20 year olds. Had the hallmarks of a birthday party so that, while not a show stopper in itself, said caution. Through the next window I could see 5 or 6, perhaps this time 16-18 year old males, sat around a table, all wearing their bomber jackets, lolling back in the chairs with their hands in their pockets. While it’s wrong to stereotype in the way we here often get stereotyped incorrectly, my spider senses told me they weren’t discussing the social economic policies of the developing world and the implications for global trade.

So I trusted my instincts and gave the restaurant a miss.

As it happens there’s a gastro pub 50 yards away where it’s also possible to see in and gauge the clientele. This night mainly middle aged couples and the odd 20 somethings.

So in I went, was meeted and greeted professionally, shown to a table where I was surrounded by 3 tables with couples 30 years and plus who did not noticeably react to my presence at all. I ate my 2 course meal, paid the bill, visited the ladies stopping to comb my hair and freshen my lippy before leaving to make my way home.

So there’s the thing. Being out and about safely relies on you staying alert and doing proper risk assessment. And if it feels wrong then it probably is. I will also temper that by saying in 6 days being fully enfemme this was the only time I felt discretion was the better part of valour.

[Allisa]

I could not agree more, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck than odds are it's a duck. It's a shame we have to be so vigilant because we are who we are. You look very nice by the way.

[Lana Mae]

You look good, Helen. Glad you were safe and had a good time! Hugs Lana Mae

[Judith96a]

Hi Helen,
It sounds like you made the correct call. Maybe the teenagers would have been OK but I'll guess that the restaurant was serving alcohol. Bored male teenagers plus alcohol tends to equal agro. Likewise high-spirited birthday party plus falling-down water...
As for it being "a shame we have to be so vigilant because we are who we are"... I know what Allisa means and, to some degree, agree. However, I suspect that a GG on her own might have made exactly the same call as you did for much the same reasons. I would therefore be inclined to perceive the necessity for vigilance as going with the territory being (or seeking to emulate) a woman rather than being TG,CD or whatever.

And yes, I like your style!

[suzanne]

I agree 100% about the risk assessment. There lots of places I wouldn't go while dressed, just as there are places I never go to in drab, either, like sketchy bars on the wrong side of the tracks, or a mall full of teens.

A lot of it has to do with attitude. If you are a scared rabbit, you'll have problems whichever way you're presenting. If you project confidence and respect you'll have an easier time. Just tell yourself "I belong here" and force yourself to believe it.

[Becky Blue]

Without doubt a great call, I always follow my instincts. Really great thinking to scope out a place first, particularly when you are on your own. I think there is a time and place to push boundaries, for example if there were 4 of you perhaps the first place would have been more fun.

[ellbee]

Yep, just one of many countless yet typically overlooked & even intentionally ignored examples of the systemic social oppression of men!


I mean, we can't even present how we want without fear of potential ridicule, of harassment, of physical assault, or of being raped or even murdered.


Must humanity turn a blind eye? Can you not hear our cry??


Who here among us will bravely rise up & join hands with my fellow CD'ers, don their skirt along with us, then march on Washington to exercise our inalienable right to peacefully enjoy some moo shu pork?!?


(I hear they also make a pretty mean scorpion bowl at the Super Lucky Golden Dragon over on K Street. :D )

[Suzie Petersen]

That is good advise Helen.

In reality, it is sound advise for anyone, Female, Male or T-anything. It is just that the Go/NoGo criteria differs depending on who you are.

- Suzie

[dolovewell]

Good idea, groups of teenagers are a risky group to put yourself near. It's best to just avoid them, from what I have learned. They will humiliate you to boost themselves within their own group.

[Allison Chaynes]

I hate to say this, but risk assessment keeps me from leaving my house as Allison. Hell, it keeps me from Allison time even when I'm home! I have hateful, racist white trash neighbors who are as rude as it gets, and already threatened violence after I NICELY asked them not to have their stereo turned up at 3 a.m. I know a number of people at our local sheriffs office who are NOT cool with Gender variant people, so the last thing I want to do is be in a dress during one of our run ins. Anyway.... this is a great O.P. Always be smart and think through your plans, and have alternate options!

[Helen_Highwater]

Allison,

Only very rarely have I gone out from my own home. Not because my neighbours are intolerant bigots it's to do with me being deeply in the closet. Hence my excursions are always away from where I live. The major upside of that is it's almost certain I'll not bump into someone I know but it does mean that I need to make myself familiar with the places I visit so I know which areas need to be avoided. This is why large retail parks are such a good choice. They're some of the safest places you can go.

[Helen_Highwater]

I posted about staying safe by avoiding, in this case, a restaurant with too many youf's, and then finding one where the clientele looked more welcoming.

Anyway, what I forgot to add was, and I'm sure this has happened to others, having been shown to my table I was told that my waitress would be X and she would be along shortly to take my order. Sure enough X turned up, took my food order a asked what I'd like to drink. Off she trots.

Shortly afterwards the drink arrives delivered by this time a young male waiter. A little later my starter, yet another server. My starter is cleared away by the manager and yes you guessed it, my main course delivered by yet another, again male, waiter.

So it's pretty obvious that it's a case of, "Go take a look at who's sat at table 5" and they're taking turns to come and check out the bloke in the dress. Was I bothered, absolutely not. I know I don't pass when up close. Each one who served me did so professionally so I'm not going to blame them for being curious.

Things like this go with the turf. Accept them. I sat there like any other diner would and just enjoyed my meal. And when it came time to pay I walked to the bar, exchanged pleasantries with the barman while doing the credit card thing, added a gratuity and my thanks for a pleasant meal. No harm, no foul.

[dolovewell]

You are looking way too into this... I waited tables in college and even some post college, and chances are the floor plan may have just changed.

For example the hostess telling you your waitress would be X, and it didn't end up being X, maybe X was reassigned to another section. Happens all the time. Maybe the place was overstaffed and they sent some servers home, so they had to reassign everyone's sections.

As far as who takes food to your table, if you ever waited tables, you would know that food is not delivered to a table only by the server of that table. Food is run by whichever server is closest to the food when it is ready to go. I know our managers would hammer the point home - hot food first. That means, if there is food ready to go, drop what you are doing and run it, even if its not food for your own tables. The reason, is to keep the food from sitting there and getting cold. I know several times a shift I would run food to a table that was not mine.

[Bonnie Chan]

I think so too that you might be overthinking this too much. You didn't really know what they were talking to each other and why they decided to change servers. They may have other reasons such as what dolovewell mentioned. But it's good that you weren't bothered or uncomfortable with that :) Unless you actually overheard them saying "hey, go take a look at that table, there's a man in a dress", then it's pretty unclear what they intended to do.

- Bonnie

[JenniferMBlack]

My girlfriend and I went to outback on Monday the only times we saw our waiter was to make the order and the check and a couple of times he check on us. It was always someone different bringing us food and drinks. I don't consider this normal but also only your server bringing things is not. By the way I was full on guy mode week long beard t shirt and jeans (mens). I will add once we had a cook bring our food at TGI FRIDAYS.

[IleneD]

Ah, yes. Another good thread for confessing The Follies of Ilene.
This has happened to me a couple times out of the few "going out" events I've experienced.

I was staying at a hotel in a very small agricultural town in the midwest. I was biking/backpacking so I traveled with only the bare Femme essentials for dress. But I dressed (long blue dress, light makeup, earrings, heels- yes, heels,), and walked the couple blocks around the town courthouse square to the only decent restaurant that was accessible.
I sat myself alone at an outside table. When Donna (my waitress) arrived it was clear I was a man in a dress. No hiding it. On her first pass to distribute a menu I was all but invisible to her. When she returned I put her at ease. "Dear, you may ask or you can even laugh, but don't call the police." She and I laughed and all was more at ease.
During the wait for my drink, I noticed a parade of wait staff passing by the front window (obviously to get a gander at The Man in the Dress). I was elegant, BTW. The whole evening went magnificently. Donna bought all my wine for me, and I enjoyed a great marsala that I didn't expect to find. Fun.

TIME #2. Oddly enough, it happened at a very "friendly" setting; and I took it as friendly. I went to an ULTA store for a full makeup job (and lessons). Made an appointment. Dressed (demurely) for the afternoon, and strutted into the salon. Monette was my makeup artist and she was training Alicia. So I started with 2 artists working on me. Before long it seemed like the entire makeup & artist staff paid a visit to my chair "to consult". No one made a spectacle, but I'm sure it was to get in on their unusual customer. I had a great time having them fawn over me.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think your assessment is spot on. A friend of mine worked in Big Sur Inn, California in the '80s. Stars used to use small private rooms to eat. She got Joni Mitchel and a friend one night and 3 waitresses took it in turns to serve them when normally it would have been one.

Glad you took it in your stride.

[Lorileah]

I never thought it was anything more than efficiency. You want your drink fast, available server delivers. Hot appetizer, available server delivers. Tips, most places like that split tips through the night. You think they needed your meal as a prop to see you? (esp the Manager, all they had to do is stop by and ask how things are). But then being treated like a star in a private room has allure

[ellbee]

FWIW, I went out to a restaurant with family on Thanksgiving.

No one was crossdressed, and no one was trans. Nor was there anything particularly "noteworthy" of anyone in our party.


While we did have one main waiter, there were a total of 3 different staff members who stopped by our table -- not including the hostess who sat us.

:strugglin

[Helen_Highwater]

So yep Okay I may have over thought the situation but the place was quiet, mine being the 4th of 4 tables dining the other 3 having already finished their meals. Also I like to think I'm fairly decent at reading body language and the servers, all young, gave off subtle clues.

Add to this that the restaurant is in a fairly small coastal town, it's out of season hence quiet, this could quite likely be the first trans customer these young waiters had ever encountered. So curiosity will get the better of people.

While I don't want to sound like I'm showing off I do feel I do a decent job of creating cleavage and young males will be young males and I definitely got a feeling for where their gaze fell!

As I say things like this go with the turf. Was I bothered, no, in fact in some way slightly flattered.

[Judith96a]

With all due respect to the others who have replied, given the context, I think that you were indeed the star attraction! You will have brightened up a slow night for them. Consider that to have been your good deed for the day!

[SheriM]

Ive had that happen to me at JCP. While looking at the sales racks, too many helpful SA's came by to ask if I needed help, etc. All friendly enough but obviously wanting to check out the guy in a skirt.

[IleneD]

Somehow I believe there to be a part of me that would be disappointed if they did NOT.
v/r
Ilene



Ive had that happen to me at JCP. While looking at the sales racks, too many helpful SA's came by to ask if I needed help, etc. All friendly enough but obviously wanting to check out the guy in a skirt.

[Sherrii]

You have the awareness that all women have to have. I couldn't pass and don't go out and try to. However I am aware that any female must be careful where she goes and the situation she is getting into. Actually this is smart for guys too.