Is DADT a sustainable strategy?

[Fiona123]

I came out to my wife a couple of years ago. It's really hard for me to talk to her about it. We have lapsed into a DADT kind of situation. My question is how long can DADT last?

[KellyG123]

That depends on who really initiated the DADT. If it's you, it can end now. If it's her, like in my case, I don't know if it will ever end. I find myself between a rock and a hard place, trying not to invalidate her feelings while still trying to validate my own. Either way I don't think it a good strategy for either person. :(

[bridget thronton]

I might suggest asking your wife if she is willing to talk to you about the things that worry you

[CONSUELO]

I don't know how long a DADT situation can last but it must be very difficult for both parties. I am so glad that I am completely in the open and dress as often and whenever I like. I shudder when I read about some of the tortuous situations that many have to live with.
You may have to come out and say that it is just too hard to do and seek another way. The strain on you must be great and I wonder if it flows over into other aspects of the relationship.

[Teresa]

Fiona,
If your partner doesn't want to know the answer is indefinitely .

You may be able to touch on it occasionally but if it's part of your life they don't want to know about you can only hope they eventually mellow . Otherwise your choices are living the double life as I do, or you walk away from the marriage, as I nearly did or you try and suppress it and give it up and just cease to function !

I just had to find ways to work round my wife, it's a compromise that I'm not totally happy with, you still have to live with certain things they don't know about but that's the situation you're placed in .

I accept what I have is possibly as good as it gets, my family all know and I can go out socially.

[Stephanie47]

The short answer is FOREVER! I went back to read any prior started threads and all I can see is you shave your legs. That is somewhat of a serious lack of communication if your wife and you do not talk. Your post only indicates you came out to your wife a couple of years ago. Then you follow it up with it's really hard for you to talk to her about it. What about her? Is she willing to talk about it or is it just you? How did she react to you shaving your legs? How did she react to your reveal? What are you expectations? Are there kids in the home?

My wife and I slid into DADT somewhere around 1983. She does not want to participate. On occasion she has found an item or two I had not put away (bra or panty) or found water balloons (breast enhancements) I forgot were in the kitchen sink. She put the bra or panty on the top of the dryer so they would not be out and visible. She casually told me. No negativity! No threats! DADT should also cover no displays of negativity such as rude comments concerning Cait Jenner or transgender persons. No threats. It should mean total head in the ground on her part.

Some women just plain do not want anything to do with it. Others may see a man's need to wear women's clothing and negotiate rules and limitations. So,

Why is it really hard for you to talk to her about wearing women's clothing?

[Kathie Pantyhose]

ok so when my wife found my pics and after a few months or pure heart ache, we adopted a dont ask dont tell policy. Once or twice a pair of panties were in the family wash and they were kind of tossed at me with a look. My wife knows I dress and she knows I'll probably never stop but it's worked for us to be honest. I respect her wishes to not dress when her or the kids are home. I never have since she asked but I'm also lucky in the sense I'm at home all day and can dress M-F 8 am - 230 pm which helps tremendously. As far as shaving my legs, heck my whole body is smooth and she's ok with that as well now. She has more leg stubble than I do. She draws the line with me wearing a skirt or heels around when they are home. She knows in the winter I'm usually wearing pantyhose or tights under my pants too. Point is, everyone is different. What works for us after some healing time, doesn't work for others. Some are more accepting than others, some have restrictions and some dont want to know anything more than they already do and figure finally, if it's not hurting anyone, so be it. It works for us

[Joni T]

The short answer is only YOU know. Only YOU know the family situation. Only YOU can make that determination.
Jon

[Tracy Irving]

Luckily, I am not in a DADT situation but if I were I believe I would be able to sustain it indefinitely.

Where there is a will there is a way...

[Shayna]

Being in one myself, I hope it can, but the way I feel lately I doubt it.

[Sheila11]

For me: 35 yrs.

[Joni T]

Luckily, I am not in a DADT situation but if I were I believe I would be able to sustain it indefinitely.

Where there is a will there is a way...

Sooner or later there will be a clue that you forgot to cover up and your SO will find it. Better to be up front about it. After all, aren't marriage and LTR's all about TRUST???? What else do you find necessary to hide from your SO??
Jon

[Leslie Langford]

In my case, 45 years and counting. Little chance for parole, and no time off in the sentence for good behavior or for previous time served... ;)

[Josie]

My situation leads me to believe that DADT is not sustainable for a long period of time. Often I feel I'm being denied a full life, in fact I sometimes feel like the life in me is slowly being drained away. I want to live and DADT is preventing it. For me it's a one sided arrangement and I'm tired of it.
Happy Holidays
Joann

[Tracii G]

The time frame depends on you.
Myself I would not survive very long under somebody's thumb.

[ChristinaK]

My wife detests my dressing. In the past she has called me names. But, as long as she is not exposed to it, we get along. I've made mistakes, but as long as I don't push it on her, it works.

[Dana44]

For me, I always communicated with my girlfriends and some of them break up with me. I don't think I could ever do a DADT situation. My current SO is accepting and our relationship is really good right now and even if I am dressed she tells me she loves me. But I have been though many many relationships to get here. I think it is hard to do a DADT relationship unless you and her are not always together. So that is up to you on how you can make it work.

[Tracy Irving]

Sooner or later there will be a clue that you forgot to cover up and your SO will find it. Better to be up front about it. After all, aren't marriage and LTR's all about TRUST???? What else do you find necessary to hide from your SO??
Jon

My SO knew before we got married so I have no clue why I would be quoted and challenged but I thank you for the compliment.

[Molly Wells]

My wife was told before we married over 35 years ago. At the time she would accept it on occasion around the house. I kept it mostly to myself and after we started having kids I kept it to myself. I did leave an item or two out over the years and they disappeared. About 10 years ago I tried to talk to her about it. She thought it "had gone away." She got very upset (mad at me) about the whole thing and I got the silent treatment the rest of the day and night. The next day we witnessed a car wreck on the interstate and stopped to help. As I began to open my car door to get out our vehicle was sideswiped. 3 seconds sooner for me getting out I would have been killed. For both of us the realization of what nearly happened and the near loss helped us both to realize that some things are just not worth the battle. We are still in a DADT relationship to this day. After that incident I just pointed out that my CDing was a lifelong thing and wasn't likely to change. I know that I have probably left evidence on occasion but nothing has ever been said. I will shave my legs and arms on occasion with nothing ever said... I do know she does not like it and is unlikely to be accepting. She has at times commented about her disagreement with the TG issues (bathroom and dressing rooms).
All I can say is that DADt is where we are and I hope that the issue never blows up again. Outside of that, we have a great, loving and very supportive marriage.
Molly

[mykell]

The time frame depends on you.
Myself I would not survive very long under somebody's thumb.


the initial burden that is lifted by the reveal to an SO is ultimately shifted onto the SO, if a couple can use a DADT arrangement in the interim to navigate into an understanding relationship it is a useful tool, I could not sustain it for a lifestyle and took initiative to move it forward, i did however not feel that i was under someones thumb.....i felt that i was respecting someones desire to not have it in their face, i did not want to move forward with anything assuming it was OK because she did not want to know, its seems to have worked for me.....i did ask for help in moving it along, here are the replies i received :

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?220140-DADT-how-to-move-along-or-find-out-it-wont-!!!!&highlight=

[Teresa]

Josie,
Your words sound so familiar, it is getting better for me but working round DADT just results in living a double life.

It becomes even harder when trying to move forward when in counselling, it's so hard not to make your wife look like a major obstacle , I know my first counsellor became frustrated with me going round in circles with assumptions in my head, she did manage to break the cycle by coming out to my son which was a major concern foe my wife . My second counsellor was upset at the level of suppression I was living with and really wanted my wife to attend to point out the damage it was doing to me and our relationship.
In the end Josie you have to put yourself first and make it clear where you are with your CDing, something has to change if your partner can't live the gap between your needs and her acceptance level.

[Helen 2]

My wife and I have been DADT for 37 years....married 35 and she knew before we married. She has seen me twice en femme, once before we married, full-on, to the nines when she first wanted to meet Maria Elena and we spent an afternoon together at my apartment where I cooked dinner and we had a long talk, again many years later when we went to a Halloween party with me as Morticia, also dressed to the nines except with flats instead of heels.....she knows where my things are ('on that side of that closet'), has borrowed things from me occasionally (hosiery, lipstick) and still, she does not want to see me dressed but is okay with me dressing when she travels/is away which is several times a year for several weeks at a time

It's DADT because when she returns, she might ask if I went out and about and I will not lie and she might frown a bit here and there, but nothing else is said, I am not chided or nothing held against me, so I would say DADT can work, but it has to be founded on honesty, not deceit.

[Taylor186]

I'm in a DADT relationship with everyone in my life except my wife and I count on that lasting for as long as I do. My wife knows I dress and has seen me dressed and knows where all my things are, but we never talk about it. She just has no interest and frankly, neither do I. I almost never fully dress around her and that is fine with me too. I'm a just CD, and she knows that, so there is no fear that another shoe is about to drop.