DADT Again

[Josie]

I've come to believe that DADT is just another way to keep a crossdressing husband under control. We're more like roommates than husband and wife, so I've been wondering, what gives my roommate the right to control my crossdressing. If my marriage was a happy one maybe DADT would be worth it. Are any other members actually happy in a DADT relationship? I don't mean putting up with it, I mean are you as happy as you think you deserve to be.
Joann Kelly

[Teresa]

Josie,
I won't beat about the bush the answer is a big NO! not happy.

I do see it from wife's point of view but she also pays a big price for wanting to live in a DADT situation. My counsellor did try and persuade me to stop living on assumptions, because your brain only goes round in circles but that is the outcome of DADT. We don't talk about it so my head is full of assumptions and walk on eggshells because of it.

I have had to find ways of working round it , it has lead to living a double life , I'm not happy about having to withhold things from her , I wanted a total end to not telling the whole truth. I know she only wants the man she married but she really hasn't got that anymore and DADT doesn't help at all in that situation either.

The one consolation is after nearly separating I did achieve going out dressed to meet other members of the TG community once a month, she still chooses not to see me , I know she thinks I look stupid, I do feel insulted by that but it's her way of trying to play it down.

Many marriages end up as compromises with or without the CDing aspect, of course I wish it was better , at least I have part of my life which I truly enjoy, and DADT isn't going to stop that now .

[Lorileah]

Not happy in a marriage. I do believe that's why they invented divorce

[suzanne]

I agree, Josie. DADT is only slightly better than "No no no, a thousand times No. I'll divorce you and drag you though miles of mud if I even so much as catch you thinking about it". To my mind it says "Zero respect". That's not a marriage, it's a dictatorship,

[Micki_Finn]

If you're that unhappy that you refuse to even refer to your spouse as such, just call it off. You seem to have zero interest in actually making your marriage work.

[Dana44]

I have been there and well if your marriage is like that, perhaps divorce and find the on who loves you completely and accepts it. Life is far better that way.

[Julie Gaum]

The old cliche still holds true: One travels the road of life but once. If there are other joys, like children, that outweigh a loveless marriage then you have to give it up (CDing). Easy to say but doesn't change on a whim. But even children usually grow up accepting. The stats indicate about 50% of non-CD marriages end in divorce. Neither partner gains by DADT
Julie

[Krisi]

Everyone is in their own situation so I'm not going to just say "get a divorce", but if your marriage seems to be beyond saving, that may be the best solution. If you are both unhappy, there's no point in prolonging this.

On the other hand, are you willing to give up your marriage just to wear women's clothes from time to time?

You and only you can make this decision.

[Becky Blue]

Of course we here don't know the details, but it seems to me that the DADT/Crossdressing is not the real issue.

[Brynna M]

"Don't ask don't tell" can mean a lot of things. For some its one of just not wanting to be involved in that part of a crossdressers life but will maturely tolerate it. On the other end of the spectrum is someone passive aggressive tyrant who doesn't want to own up to saying "NO!" but will throw a huge fit if they even suspect something. Most people are somewhere in between and like all humans most crossdressers are on a spectrum of what they will accept.

[Teresa]

Lorileah,
I know you've had it tough so I can understand where your comment is coming from, I nearly separated but after 42 years of marriage too many people were going to get hurt, it is a compromise now but it is working. I'm afraid sometimes you have to get to that point before the sensible talking can happen and the true values are put on the table.

Krisi ,
It's more than dressing from time to time , it's a constant need the solution is trying to put the message across that it is possible to live with it, I've just about reached that point.

[ClosetED]

There are shades of DADT. One where you cannot allow any sign of it out without being shamed and ones where it is tolerated as a hobby she knows about and does not want to see, but allows it has a right to happen whenever you desire. I moved from the first toward the second, but not quite there yet. I would prefer a spouse who actively supported me, and my wife used to buy me hose for 18 years, but stopped completely when I dared to wear some without her around. But I am not happy as I think I deserve to be.
Hugs, Ellen

[Allsteamedup]

At our house the cder operates the DADT!!

You still have occasions to dress or join a support group locally. She obviously doesn't want to see anything or talk about it. You may have to use some imagination.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe folks don't understand that DADT is just like marriage. It's a compromise that works for BOTH PARTIES!:thumbsup:

I suggest if it isn't working for u? Your marriage has other issues that aren't also. :sad:

Step 1. If u both wish to save your marriage? See an experienced counselor and make the compromises necessary to live together.

Step 2. If u both aren't interested in compromise and saving your union? Your marriage is finished. Altho many continue living together as roommates. Usual hostile ones. :thumbsdn:

Step 3. If your marriage is over, u have 2 choices.
A. Move out and begin to enjoy your life again.:)
B. Do what Lorileah suggested!:straightface:

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm in a DADT marriage. I go out with friends once or twice a month, sometimes a couple of friends and other times dozens of friends. My wife know that I go out dressed, although I can't leave the house dressed. Sometimes it is no big deal; sometimes she whines about it.

To me, it's all a compromise, and this is what it comes down to. I can live comfortably with my wife in our large home and accept restrictions on how often I can dress, or I can move out and live in a small apartment on half my income and not have enough money to go out dressed much more than I do now. Plus, separating will eviscerate my retirement plan.

Since my mortgage is paid off and the only lien on my house is an equity line, $1500 a month additional for an apartment will reduce both our lifestyles.

Not that I haven't thought about it. Every once in a while I get angry about all the stuff I put up with to stay married and check out apartment prices. It will have to get worse before I initiate a split. That's not to say that she won't ask me to move out.

[Stephanie47]

A decade ago (2006) you indicated you had two failed marriages and other failed relationships. You indicated back then your third wife was OK with it. Now? What happened? DADT will not work at all if the husband wants to openly wear women's clothing around a wife who is not accepting. I will see nothing but a build up of angst in the husband. Then of course "what say the wife" about a husband who wants to express his feminine side all the time? Some people just need to remain single.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Josie:hugs:, My wonderful:love:Wife of 53years is DA/DT she don't control my dressing she tolerates it
she just don't want to see me while I am dressed.

Nothing is hidden she knows about everything, I know my boundaries and stay within them, Life is great
she even pierced my ears for me...:daydreaming:...

[Tina_gm]

Doc said it well. It takes compromise on BOTH sides. DADT is an implied control. If a cder agrees to this in order to stay in the relationship, then they are signing off on this. I never quite understand why cders agree to it then complain so much about it?.... it's not likely that the partner is going to suddenly change and want the cding in their life and do so on their own. And.... it's not likely that even if the agreement is brought up by the cder to be changed to be more open about it that the partner is going to be all that ok with it.

Now, as I said, BOTH sides. If the partner having knowledge and also wishes to remain in the relationship that shouldn't give them a license to shut down the cding. The partner should be OK with the cding time, however that is figured out. And, not harass the cder about it. Don't ask don't tell also should include no cheap shots, no underhanded harassment while the cder has to sit in silence. The respect has to be given on their side as,well.

[AnnaMarie]

DADT works for our relationship. Apart from the dressing we are very happy. Yes, the dynamics of our relationship did change when I told her but we are still happily married. Give and take, compromise are the key things which is the same in any relationship if it's going to work. I go out and although my wife isn't happy about it she understands it's something that's inside me. I still get asked the gay / affair questions and my wife has never seen me nor wants to see me dressed. It's something that's very much brushed under the carpet.

[Krisi]

Krisi ,
It's more than dressing from time to time , it's a constant need the solution is trying to put the message across that it is possible to live with it, I've just about reached that point.

I suspect your situation may be different from the OP's. If you feel that you cannot stop crossdressing, no matter what, and this is unacceptable to your wife, separation or divorce is the only realistic option and the sooner the better for both of you.

For many of us, the ability to dress as women is not so critical and like smoking, drinking or excessive gambling, it is something we would give up to continue our marriage and family.

[CONSUELO]

In the final analysis all marriage involves compromise. However from your description the issues go beyond cross dressing. I wish you luck in finding a solution.

[Josie]

I've read and reread the replies to my original post and I have a feeling most of the ladies here feel that they are solely to blame for a non accepting wife. I have come to believe that my marriage would be in about the same place with or without the crossdressing after 21 years and our age. A relationship changes after the intimacy dies and you become roommates or friends. I'm not the person she married and she's certainly not the person I married, but I still love her and want desperately to stay together but I won't pretend I'm something I'm not. I have a feminine side that I like and I can't give it up. Maybe I'm simply demanding to be accepted for what I am. Do we not have the right to be happy and satisfied in our marriages? I won't live the rest of my life in a cold dark closet.
Joann

[ClosetED]

Do we not have the right to be happy and satisfied in our marriages?
Joann

While I completely agree with you, that above statement, as voiced by the non-accepting wife, wants the man she married in her dream world and not the person we really are. So we either compromise to give as much of that other side to the wife or decide it cannot be done with both being partially satisfied.
Ellen

[Tina_gm]

Josie, I don't know if we are all blaming only ourselves for our partner's lack of acceptance. I think there are many variables to that. BUT- If we did not devulge our true nature at the time of the start of the relationship and then let it blossom into a lifetime commitment before doing so, it makes the acceptance issue A LOT more difficult and complicated.

Yes, everyone does change over time as we age. It is part of the natural progression we as people go through. And, our lifetime partners are or should be aware of this and accept us as well as themselves for the changes that slowly take place. IMO, intimacy does not have to die just because our sexual abilities decline, change or just end. The intimacy will change though. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, caressing doesn't have to end, and IMO, it is still an intimacy that "just roommates" don't experience.

In the case of we who later on divulge our true gender nature, that is way more than the life evolving nature of aging. Not that that has to be a deal breaker, but it can be for some. Some of it does depend on just how much of a change we divulge of our true gender nature is, and then how we go about changing OUR lives to live authentically.

So, DADT is not working for you. and now to be able to live life in contentment, that needs to change. That is not wrong that you should break out of the DADT arrangement. Not wrong for you. Needed by the sounds of it. So, your choice is to let your wife know you can't live this way anymore, or continue along unhappy. What happens after that only time will tell. Maybe she can adapt, but maybe not. It is much more complicated than just close mindedness. WE feel WE should live our life as ourselves, be who WE are. Our partners should have that same choice. For some, they just cannot live in contentment with this type of gender variance. Your wife should she choose not to continue to be in the marriage is far from alone. This site has many members who have lost their partners due to their gender variance, CDing, transition etc etc. It is a fairly common thing for separation on this site. It sucks, but it is a reality of our situation too. It doesn't mean yours will or should, but it might. Some partners just need or want a man who is nothing but, and that is ok too.

[Michelle (Oz)]

My life is deeply rewarding in its complexity. DADT works wonderfully well for both my wife and me. Sure, given a choice, she'd be happier for me not to dress but there is never any negativity direct or implied. Over the last 4+ years since a very traumatic reveal, her attitude has greatly mellowed perhaps as her fears subside. We enjoy discussing fashions and critiquing clothes. She knows where my clothes are but doesn't look.

But I really doubt that her positive direction will ever lead to her being prepared to see me dressed. In one sense though, I'm very comfortable with that. No constraint on what I wear! A storage facility is my change room. I'm out 4 or so days a week dressed including now being a working girl for several of my business clients.

So, a resounding YES - a DADT arrangement can allow CDing to flourish within a loving marriage. I adore my wife and she me. DADT is not a form of control, it is giving each partner the framework for them to coexist within a considerate and thoughtful marriage.

[Krisi]

I suspect that the reason so many wives have a problem seeing us "dressed" is that many of us seem compelled to dress like prostitutes. Perhaps if we dressed more like our wives they would be less upset.

[NicoleScott]

Krisi, I can't imagine this conversation ever happened:
"Honey, I'm a crossdresser."
"I don't approve."
"Why not?"
"Because other crossdressers dress like prostitutes."
"How about if I dress like you do?"
"That works for me."

[Michelle (Oz)]

Nothing to do with my wife's reasons Krisi. She doesn't want to have her image of me as her husband compromised. I suspect that is a far more prevalent concern that dressing like prostitutes.

[Tina_gm]

The dressing as a prostitute probably doesn't help though. Ithe doesn't wear well with most women as they get older. And for cders who are only that, and not so youthful, it wears even worse. That doesn't mean we can't still enjoy dressing this way, middle age women still rock the boudoir thing for their enjoyment. And it can be artistic in its own way still. If it feels good do it. But, visually to our partners, it's probably harder to deal with than regular every day women's clothing which can be hard enough for many.

[Emily Ann Brown]

DADT was what I wanted but she, wanted...but she wanted you WILL quit. DADT would never have worked. She would never have been happy what out HER dream marriage. We had sex on her terms. I decided losing the DREAM home which turned out not to be big another, and the dream job which didn't pay another any more. Life is a choice and people change....not always for the best. She did her best to ruin me for being not her DREAM husband. I am now happy! And she has total control of everything in her life. I am happy for you if DADT is working and you and you are happy. Em

[Raychel]

So much of this thread really hits home, From the roommate controlling to the total lack of intimacy.

trying to make the best of the situation can be difficult sometimes.
Although not in a DADT relationship, and the dressing does not really cause a strain here
It still can be a challenge living in a roommate relationship.

I have to admit that at times I am a bit selfish, I dress how I prefer.
thinking that if we are just going to be roommates, I might as well be happy with myself.

this may only add to the problem, But sometimes you have to be happy with yourself first.