Do You Ever Feel As Though You're Just a Fetish to Guys? :'(

[Chanel-hilton]

So I'm gay but like to dress up - my ex was bisexual so didn't mind if I was dressed up as Ryan or Chanel during night outs and sex, he literally couldn't have cared less since he liked me for who I am etc.
Since breaking up last year I've gone out dressed up more and more and more - most of the time I'll end up kissing straight boys but do a runner obv before they realise I'm a boy since I don't want a black eye.
But on apps such as Grindr whenever I have my profile pic as Chanel, I have profiles message me, these 'straight men' who message me talking to me as though I'm a woman, calling me beautiful saying they'd love to take me on a date dressed up etc - but every single time I agree to meet them they just come round for a quick shag and then either try and block me or just never talk to me again - I always then find out later on that they've got girlfriends, wives and kids and every time I hope it's gonna be different but it just seems I'm their dirty little secret. One guy who is the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen I've been meeting at least once a week for a month now I really didn't think he was the same as the rest - he's been buying me clothes and whilst we have sex he literally stares into my eyes and tells me I'm beautiful - I just put his phone number into facebook to be nosey and ONCE AGAIN he has a gf and kid.
It makes me feel so crap about myself :'(

[Tracii G]

Using apps and doing stuff online makes you kind look desperate IMO
Kind of like going to bars for a hook up or a one night stand.
I would rather meet a guy get to know him without sex being the main thing.
Finding a nice guy would be awesome.

[Vickie_CDTV]

In all fairness, isn't that what "Grindr" is used for? (Maybe I am showing my age, but I can't believe people take such risks with complete strangers.)

[Chanel-hilton]

Bit harsh saying I look desperate.
A lot of people use grindr for sex, but that's not the purpose of it. It's a dating app just like Tinder, POF, etc - I met my ex-boyfriend who I was with for two and a half years on there.

[Periwinkle]

Please don't feel crappy about yourself. People on chat sites just tend to be like that. :(

Before I met my boyfriend I tried omegle to find potential dates. I know that sounds like a stupid idea, and it is, but forgive me because I was a dumb high schooler. I met and exchanged information with three different people.

Person number one came around when I was struggling with gender issues, and even though I told him nothing about my crossdressing ('cause I wasn't doing it much at that time), he insisted on treating me like a girl and wanted me to crossdress. I could only handle talking to him for about two days before I blocked him.

Person number two was actually pretty alright until the about a week in when he brought up and insisted on me sending sexy photos in a Japanese schoolgirl uniform. And sexy times whilst crossdressing is a HUGE no-no for me. Especially in an outfit I thought to be innocent and fun.

Guy number three wasted no time in making it clear in the first five minutes that he wanted sexy photos of me crossdressing. I was so desperate and sad that night that I almost did it, but thought better of it and blocked him.

This sort of thing seems like it's not a huge deal now that I look back on it, but let me reiterate that I was a high school student with no experience dating, and also the most obvious virgin ever with severe issues coming to terms with my femininity. I'm not scarred for life or anything, but I was pretty darn shaken up at the time.

I don't know if I just had horrible luck or what, but these were three people that I felt like I trusted enough to give my contact information. They all sweet talked me and told me that they saw me as a man for sure (That was super important to me back then since I was a late bloomer. I still think puberty kinda jipped me.), and then when they got my number they wanted nothing to do with my maleness. They just wanted to use my extremely not-sexual feminine side for things I'd never intended. I felt so gross, and if I ever end up single again, no matter how desperate I am, I will never look for another date on the Internet.

If I were to look for a potential date, I'd do it at a place I frequent such as a cafe or library. Or a yoga class. Oh boy. Lemme stress that again for ya. Yoga. Class. (I mean usually it's mostly women, but the men who would show up are pretty rad guys.) Bars are alright I suppose, but you never can be sure if the people there are really looking for a long-term deal or not.

Anyway, stay safe, and be careful with those internet dudes.

[Lux]

Sorry to hear you are heaving bad luck in the dating world. A lot of guys do see crossdressers as a fetish and imagine a 'gurl' that will do all the things their woman won't do yet have the libido of a guy. So you have to be careful.

My only advice would be to go slow and try to see how sincere the guy is. Good guys tend to be more patient. Also take notice how they treat waitstaff when your on a date. It's the little things. You don't seem desperate but maybe a little naive. Something I used to do myself when I went on dates. Good luck, I'm sure you will meet a good guy soon :)

[FrannGurl]

I can relate to this very well.

While tend to be attracted to both men and women, in the last several years have been involved with men. I found that when I decided to be with men again, after a few years that began to post aprofile on Ok Cupid and even tried Craigslist. That being said, Ive always been very careful but have posted a nice ad, not coming across as a tramp, but just a nice girl looking for a nice guy. I have encountered all manner of rude men, their short replies, or some nude picture I'm suppose to be impressed by. They mostly seem to be interested in what I like sexually. I get it, but is that how you would talk to any girl? It does sting. It takes a lot of guts if you really want to meet a man to fulfill that part of you. I suppose I went through over 80 replies or more until I met a wonderful older man who I could feel comfortable with. It lasted several years and now looking again but not sure I will find it.

- - - Updated - - -

Rereading some of the posts, Chicka said it best. Go slow,and don't settle for less. I would actually avoid the hookup sites such as Grinder, Tinder, ect. That being said, I know I said I posted on Craigslist but just got lucky or safe after weeding through replies. I have actually met a few nice men ok OkCupid, even thought they were not my type. Its free too

[Majella St Gerard]

Men are pigs, I have a profile on OK Cupid and somehow it showed I was interested in everyone, now even thou my profile stated I was just interested in women, I got tons of messages from straight men asking for sex. Same thing on fetlife.

[Chanel-hilton]

Thanks for the advice gals.

[Exris]

It doesnt surprise me. Your experience with gay men - or those feeling adventurous - doesnt surprise me. It's how we can be. Predatory at times. Dishonest to get a prize.

It's nothing to do with a gay mindset. It's just men. Straight ones do it too.

Women do it too... tho I choose to believe it's not done in the same exploitative way. I might be kidding myself there - but I just choose to believe that.

Suggestion for you. I assume a city like Sheffield has a good gay scene. Go dressed and see if you meet someone. Someone nice and good. Dont have sex. Meet them the next date dressed as a man - if the subject of sex comes up perhaps do it as a man if your in the mood (and not only to please them!!). Alternate between being a girl dressed and a man for a while... dont let them in on your plan.

If he sticks around then you might finally have a winner.

And on another note - I like the facebook strategy you took. Thats a very good way of checking someones legitimacy - I'll add that one to my war chest myself, so thanks for the tip!

[Micki_Finn]

Yeah it's bad but it's not much different than what GGs go through, especially on the internet.

[LilSissyStevie]

Am I the only one that thinks this sounds like wishful thinking/fantasy? You know like when women brag that men only want "one thing:" to use them a sex objects because they are so attractive and irresistible.

[Micki_Finn]

Hate to break it to you Stevie but there are a LOT of men out there who DO hit on everything that moves and you don't have to be "so attractive and irresistible"

[Tracii G]

Micki is right Stevie there are guys like that.
Night clubs and gay bars are full of them from my experience.
There can be nice guys in there too you just have to find them.

[KellyJameson]

Many men want easy girls to have sex with but they often will not have relationships with them.

You have the power to slow things done by saying no to sex. Most will walk out but the ones that stay are usually looking for more than just a hook up.

This is something women have understood for eons.

[ellbee]

Don't worry: There are plenty of guys out there who find us absolutely disgusting.


Oh, wait... That probably didn't really help, either.

Never mind. :(

[Cheryl T]

There was a saying years ago (I won't say how many) about us and me.
We were considered "too much woman for the gays and too much man for the straights".
Seems your bi friends are your best friends...

[TrishaTX]

Grinder for me has always been a a hit and run app, your way too pretty and sound confident enough that you probally don't need it. Straight guys are mostly married and panic right after sex...

[CynthiaD]

Fortunately, I'm past the age where I have to worry about guys. Any guy who hits on me would have to be desperate, terminally ugly and dead drunk.

[LilSissyStevie]

Hate to break it to you Stevie but there are a LOT of men out there who DO hit on everything that moves and you don't have to be "so attractive and irresistible"

Of course, I know there are guys like that. What I'm talking about is the fake complaining about it. I tend to stay away from places where people I don't like hang out. But If I go there, I must be getting something out of it.

[docrobbysherry]

Because of Sherry's photos I get hit on a lot on her FB Page.:brolleyes:

I tell the guys up front I'm a man. That doesn't phase most of them. Then, they usually ask for a photo of me!:straightface:

So, I tell them I'm 70. Many r still interested! Until I tell them I'm straight. Where upon most vanish!:daydreaming:

But, whether or not it's a fetish for that most of these guys or it's because they r bi, Chanel? I don't know. Because trans aren't among MY fetishes and I'm not bi.:heehee:

[CDastoria]

I feel like there's very few gay crossdressers or transvestites who aren't also drag queens. I may be going out on a limb here but it seems like those that are typically end up transitioning. In my experience, most gay men don't want to date someone who appears as a female and those who are bi/str8 don't want to date someone who's not full time and totally passable. It's quite possible the worst of both worlds :(