M2F & Klinefelter Syndrome - Depressed and Confused

[Rebecca Star]

Sorry if this is in the wrong section...

When I first joined the forum back in 2012, I identified as CD, because for me, I thought sharing a body with a male and female persona, and CD'ing was me. However, from as far back as I can remember, as much as I could look the 'male', something just didn't seem to gel within me. In 2014, from a suggestion given by a M2F TS on this forum, I sought to have blood test for Klinefelter Sydrome, which came back positive. So I'm a confirmed 47xxy.

Since joining the forum (over 4 years ago), the desires to live as a woman and be seen as female, have changed dramatically. So much so, these thoughts are front and centre in my daily life. I have a supportive GG SO. While she doesn't always understand what's going on in my head, or can give the advice I seek, she's always supportive.

Living in a small coutry town, and the fact KS Endo specialists in my state are rare, it took me till early 2016 to find one. But to be honest, his patient (lets call it bed-side-manner), was horrid. I found him to be arrogant and not someone I felt comfortable with. He recommended I take Testrogel - my T levels are almost non-exsistent. However, I don't want to. Hence, the 2 boxes (two month's doses) have sat in the pantry since Feb this year, untouched.

Since 2014, breasts have started growing. My guess because the T-levels are dropping heaps. I thought they were man-boobs, but as my SO remarked, these are rounded, they have the charitistics of female breast (on her feeling them). That development has brought a bittersweet. My body and shape has always been more female, than male. Gifted with long legs and thin arms. Now with these breasts (size AU 14A), I'm essential looking in the mirror each day (from shoulders down) after showering, seeing what I class as a female form (accept the obvious), yet living as a male. It's become a head-f##k (sorry... it's the only way I can describe how it is affecting my mental health and well being).

I'm self employed (internet based) and work from a home office. Hence I don't have business appointments. So I dress as a female @ home. More often than not these days, that's exactly what I'm doing. If I'm in male persona, then my toenails are always painted; hidden out of sight in socks and shoes.

I don't dislike my male persona, it's not a hatred of my male form. However, I'm becoming very depressed that what I see in the mirror, while I can dress en femme, it's kinda like living a daily lie. A ruse where I'm fooling/tricking myself and others. I just feel so unhappy. Almost chained to this house. Living in a small country town, where the majority of people are closed minded, doesn't make life any easier.

Point in question, and as an example...

Atttend the ER at the local hospital a few months back. I was so unwell, totally forgot about the nail polish. The Dr and nurse... lets just say if I could have shrunk and crawled into a crack I would have. Didn't help matters that the ER room is only divided by curtains. So the patient next door, was privvy to the conversation. I expect that treatment from the town red-necks, not from medical staff in 2016.

All these things above add up, and have started to really weight me down. When all I want to do is be who I want to be, that being Lisa (yes name change) 24/7.

I've come here out of sheer desperation, hoping, I can get some answers or pointed to where I can seek help. I'm totally clueless to transitioning. Not to mention, HRT. I'm not even sure if I want to start HRT. Thinking, if my T-levels are soooo low now, and with the KS having two (2) X Chromosomes, maybe taking a T-blocker, would be enough. IDK...

I would really appreciate the input of M2F TS folk here, thank you :)

[PretzelGirl]

Rebecca, I am transitioned and I am also Intersex (your Klinefelters being an Intersex condition). The first thing is always stabilizing yourself. You have to stop the swirl in your head first and then decide what is next. That might mean therapy, only you know how you feel. It may not be easy and you may decide that you need to decide on how to move forward to stop it. Then it is deciding how you really feel inside. You can't move forward without deciding where you firmly want to go. Am I reading this right that you feel female as an identity? If you aren't sure, again, therapy may be the course. Work through it until you are sure. Then if you are sure, you can talk transition here if and when you have decided it is the right path for you. Some things are general and a lot of people here can help. Like hormones as dropping T levels leave you with little hormones and depending on the levels, can be rough on your health. Couple that with some Intersex conditions coming with regular health issues, and you want to be talking with your doctor a lot. Other things are regional specific like name changes and healthcare and only people here from your area can help.

I wish you the best and keep talking and processing. This isn't easy for most anyone, but it is a thought process many of us have been through, so you are not alone.

[Rebecca Star]

Hi Sue,


Am I reading this right that you feel female as an identity?

Half my life spent as a guy, I'm 100% sure I want to live/identify as a female.
What that curtails for me, pertaining to the extent of that processing change, is my only concern now.

Even though my SO is easy to talk to, there are certain issues/feelings she simply doesn't understand. At times it can be frustrating trying to explain how I feel to her. My current Dr, I simply would not feel at all comfortable discussing this with him. There's a couple of female Dr's at the clinic, so I'll make an appointment with 1 of them. Going on your advice, it might also be a wise move to find a therapist, to discuss and work through all of this. Bottling stuff up (regardless of what that is), is never a healthy choice.

Thanks for your help, input and support.

[Kate T]

Where are you Bec?? I'm in Aus as well. You should never be made to feel that way. Who was your Endo?? Have you seen a psych? Where do you live? PM me and I will give you my email address and contacts for Aus groups.

[Contessa]

Hi Lisa

I went through the same or maybe just similar things that you are going through. Except for the KS thing. I don't think that I had that. But the thoughts in your head are what will have to give you. Thinking that you should do what others in society think probably won't work. I had to be me like you will have to be you except who are you? I live as a woman alone now 24/7. It isn't glamorous but it is real. If you need to find out if its you try it. I was working at the time so I began to go to work with small things for anyone to notice. They did and they did learn to live with it. Little by little I wore more and more til I soon was dressing at work before leaving. Needless to say I ended up as I should though I am now alone I live 24/7 as a fem-male. This is as close to female as I can. I dress as me and live as me all the time. What I really am trying to say is it is in your head and you must work through it. Don't try to suppress it or it could have the same affect on you as others may list here.

[Peggie Lee]

My KS was has lead to a lot of bad memories, at 9 I insisted to my folks I was a girl and was treated to Electroshock telling me I was gay, by 13 I had a better figure figure than my mother and I loved it. The Doctors said it was hormone imbalance and was treated with T therapy until 15, at 19 drafted by the army and they sent me home as unfit for service.
.( KS was discovered by Draft Board Doctors during WWII).
All this time I felt lost, a girl in a messed up body and very unhappy. My gender identity never wavered I was female having to live in a mans world.
I have met other KS's who identified as male and had a lot of the same body issues I had. So we are unique and have to adapt hopefully to bring body and soul together as one. At the age of 65 i had SRS to bring my body an soul togather.

Moral of the story is to be true to your self regardless of how messed up your biology is.

[Rebecca Star]

Dear Kate, Contessa, Peggie Lee,

Thanks you so much for your stories, and advice, it's very much appreciated.

Kate, I'll send you a PM :)


hugs

Lisa