As a cross dresser or trans woman, you'll always be alone!!!

[PaulaQ]

I've actually heard this sentiment echoed a lot here on this forum. And while I know plenty of lonely people in the trans community, I wanted to point out that I know more than a few cisgender women now who really dig cross dressers. It surprised me when I met them - I mean I'd heard over and over and over again that staying with a trans person was a huge sacrifice on the part of the cis person, and surely nobody would enter in to such a relationship. So imagine my surprise when I met a local woman, who hosts a big sexy party every month for CDs, because she really is attracted to them. Or another woman I talked with today who told me she loves it when she feels a silky camisole under her partner's shirt.

And I'm going to tell you - some of these women are into some pretty wild sounding stuff, which I guess is great if you are also into really wild stuff. I really wish I could tell you about some of the goings on I've witnessed or heard about, but hey, rules are rules!

So I guess my only point in posting this is just to encourage all of you to not give up hope. You do NOT have to be alone. It is possible that your relationship may not be totally traditional, but then again, as a CD, you probably aren't totally traditional yourself, are you?

And I'm writing this too, because, while I've heard some CDs tell stories like this, people tend to view it as fantasy. (Which some of it probably is, quite frankly.) So any such tales tend to be discounted rather quickly. But look - I'm not a CD. I'm also not very interested in cisgender people. I mean I'm not saying I'd never be with one, but it just isn't an issue for me, and they'd have to be pretty darn cool before I'd consider it. Also, unlike most on here, and especially before I ghosted from here, I am one of the more verifiably real people here. I'm not hard to find on social media, although my last name doesn't start with a "Q". (It actually starts with an "E"). Anyway, I'm for real, and I have no reason to make this up. (BTW, I haven't slept with any of these women. They like CDs - I'm not what they are looking for - so go figure!)

As for trans people, well, I know that there are many lonely trans people out there. But I'm engaged. I had thanksgiving dinner with another trans couple I know, FtM and Mtf - they are also engaged. I know many who've stayed with their existing spouses, both MtF and FtM. I'm telling you, love is out there. It can be elusive and hard to find, but it's there.

I hope everyone here will look, be open to it (it may not be exactly what you've grown up expecting), and that you'll all find it.

[mykell]

so what your saying is you have to get yourself out there, sounds like you stumbled into some cosmopolitan folks paula,

maybe someone should start a dating site....:thinking:

nice to see you posting ghost of christmas' past....

[MissTee]

Great message of hope, Paula. Thank you for sharing.

[Teresa]

Paula,
I have to agree with you, I had two GFs that were OK with my CDing, OK that was some time ago, the problem arises when you find you've married someone that doesn't understand or enjoy it. I'm afraid I was naive when I married because I thought all women were OK with CDing if it combined with the sexual element.

As for being alone, I am now sadly seeing that, the few members of my social group who are TS, have lost or may be losing so much. One now in her early seventies just complteted full SRS , has a daughter that never speaks to her and has never seen her grandchildren, at the last meeting she sat alone deep in thought so I went over and chatted with her. The other has reached the point of dressing full time but has had to concede that moving out of her home is the best option for all concerned, it's an amicable arrangement but still sad to see it. I sincerly hope they can both move on and be happy.

As for me personally I'm trying to hold on to 42 years of marriage , I just resign myself to what I have now is probably as good as it gets. I don't want to risk losing touch with my children and grandchildren .

Thanks for dropping in again and sharing your thoughts, it's good to hear from you again.

[Rachael Leigh]

Thank you Paula for your words of encouragement and I'm sure many here appreciate it.
I know in my own circumstances with my wife I know that she never signed up for this as to who I am and how I feel.
She truly has been a blessing in my life but as we continue to try and work thru things it's very difficult on her.
For women out there who are in full support of this they are ones who just see things differently I guess then a women
who believes that for any man to want this to be a part of them has to be messed up or somehow gay or whatever.

[Pat]

Paula -- Totally agree. My girlfriend is fully-transitioned TS, I'm non-binary in transition. We've been together 15 years and are extremely happy if somewhat non-traditional. The amusing thing is back then we found each other through Yahoo Personals and it turned out we were only living a block away from each other. I fully understand that I'm the most fortunate person on the planet in so many ways, but l think that fortune favors those who keep themselves open to it.

[Sallee]

that is good news to hear. I have met a few woman who were into trans but most grew tired of it after awhile. It seemed that the newness and kink of was exciting to start with but after a while it grew old. It was just a passing fancy I guess. But if you find someone into us CD's thats great enjoy and love each other

[CarolBrown]

I am very lucky... I came out, just under a week ago to my wife of 10 years...

It hurts her, but, she lets me dress and has helped me buy some clothing and given me some of her bras... She did have concerns about my sexuality, but, I had assured her and reassured her that I have absolutely no interest in other men...

There are women (probably more than you think) who accept cross dressing and if they genuinely love you, they will stand by you. For me, I feel free from something that has held me shackled for a good number of years. I always thought I had it buried deeply in my personality, but, even then, it was evident that there was a certain femininity about me, that I was really never properly aware of myself...

[Dana44]

Good to hear from you Paula, i agree that there are Cis women that love us. i am living with my GF and she is totally supportive. i am more social than here and do communicate with others. Life is blessed. Yes to be open our hearts to others brings great Life experiences.

[docrobbysherry]

Thank u for the upbeat post, Paula. Let me just mention someone ALWAYS wins those $10,000,000 lotteries, too.

But, the odds r I won't be the one------:sad:

[Acastina]

You don't have to persuade me. I met my wife through an online CD social group on Yahoo, more than 16 years ago. Her soon-to-be ex was a late-onset CD who probably was using it as cover for being gay. They had been together for more than 15 years, and he represented some of the worst of both sides, acting as a pretty typical husband in expecting her to serve him domestically (the way my sexist older brothers used to order their wives around) while also exploiting her good nature by involving her in his sexual experimentations and worse (having a boyfriend over for the afternoon, then calling her at work to brag about what a great time they had; that one was beyond the pale). But that experience did introduce her to CD and gender variance, so when someone she considered (still does) special came along, she was totally open to the possibility of a new relationship with someone who had not only crossdressed since childhood but had lived full-time as a woman for most of a decade years earlier. Someone who was at relative peace with the ambiguity and so accomplished at gender fluidity as to be routine and real-world normal. In fact, my everyday wear is a lot like hers, and it's only now and then that I go full-flossy on her. We can be quite a sight at times, me dressed for a night of clubbing and her in her warm layers, the two of us in front of the TV, but more often it's both of us in the warm layers (or shorts and tanks in warm weather).

She saw the person, not a preconception or stereotype, and her recent experiences had broken down the usual barriers and doubts. We fell in love, and she didn't meet the part-time boy until several months had passed getting to know the girl. Several of her passwords still involve my girl name and the year we met. She doesn't consider me husband-minus, but husband-plus. We've gotten past the giddy phase of her always looking for new clothes for me (she hints that I could thin my closet, actually, of things I never wear anymore) and settled into our special variety of a marriage, now 13+ years. We still have a slight imbalance of domesticity; she does more of the housework and I fix things that break. But we still treasure each other every day and don't hesitate to say so.

I'm pretty much full-time in private, and with our ages averaging 70, we don't go out as gal pals as much as we used to, so it's kind of a traditional American middle-class marriage of aging partners, with a twist. We have an active social life as a cis-appearing couple.

There are indeed a lot of cis-women who are attracted to the idea with the right person, and the more we see lonely single women at or near our ages, the more she seems to appreciate all of me. Not tolerate part and wish the other was stronger, but appreciate (and love) all.

We're lucky. To follow up what Doc said, It's a long shot/One in billions/To win love's lottery/But I was struck by lightning/When you smiled at me

[Ceera]

I know such connections are being made out there... In my current relatively small circle of friends - mostly lesbians and a few CD or TG ladies - I know one gender fluid person, not too different from myself, who recently formed a stable relationship with a bi/lesbian GG lady. I had my eye on the GG in that couple myself, when she was briefly single, but she hooked up with her current gender fluid partner before I got a chance to ask her for a date. I know another transitioning TG who has a stable and happy relationship with a GG woman. There are people out there who will love us as we are. The problem is in finding them.

I am approaching things with an open mind, and just trying to enjoy myself and be sociable and be kind to others. Several of the GG's I hang out with give me a lot of positive reinforcement, saying how much they like socializing with me and how 'amazing' a person I am. But so far, none of those admiring ladies have been single and available. I'm doing fine in terms of GG's that enjoy meeting with me in social group settings and including me as 'one of the girls'. Plenty of the like having a drink with me or dancing with me. I just haven't yet met one who was also 'available'.

[mykell]

Thank u for the upbeat post, Paula. Let me just mention someone ALWAYS wins those $10,000,000 lotteries, too.

But, the odds r I won't be the one------:sad:


actually you interact with lots of folks from the community sherri, i think that alone tips the odds in your favor.....:)

[Lorileah]

And understand being alone and being lonely are often two different things. You can be lonely with someone. I am lonely often but seldom alone. Then again, I really don't know what I am looking for. I do know they won't come to my door though

[Tracii G]

I think about being alone now and then and its not so bad really.Its far better than being in a relationship where you have to put up with someone all the time
I'm not lonely at all I have friends.

[PaulaQ]

But, the odds r I won't be the one------:sad:

Your belief that you won't "win" almost insures that you won't in this case. There is more than one winner, unlike a lottery. Being open to it makes all the difference. Being good with people helps because you need to meet people in order for this to happen, but it isn't necessary. Some of the most socially anxious people I know find partners. You do have to meet the right people - for example , your odds are probably massively better in the trans, poly, burlesque or kink communities. If you look for a partner in a cis-het bar, well, good luck with that.

You have to be open minded too. I know trans women who tell me "God Paula, I'm so lonely, I can't find a guy." Yet, when I suggest that a trans guy would certainly be more likely to understand their situation than most cis guys, they tell me "Oh, I could never be with a trans guy, I need someone with a penis." So my feeling after talking to them is that they are not serious about looking for love. If your vision of the ideal blocks you from even considering something real, you are getting in your own way.

BTW, for everyone who thinks my situation is a fluke, I've been in 5 relationships since I began transition. This is more than in my prior life. Believe me, it's not because I'm insanely hot or anything. In fact I look like someone's mom or a school librarian.

269710

Here's a recent photo of me and my fiancé, from Thanksgiving this year. A super model I'm not!

[josrphine]

Hi Paula Q, I have been in a relationship with my now wife for going 11 yrs. We are not young 75 me 74 her. We lived together for almost 8 yrs and had a very good relationship, 3 yrs ago she broke both shin bones in her right leg. Then had a doctor give her bad advice about warfin, almost died. We were going to the hospital amost evey other day. We got married as she has only 1 son and he has his own family. We do every thing together, as sisters we live a very good life now. I am very open an she loves our life, we attended trip ess meeting together, and she helped out with other CD's with make up and clothing. Light you I think some people on here can't believe that we can have this sort of life together. There are more and more women that want this type of life.

[Rogina B]

Like Paula expresses,"you have to fish in the right pond ". The kink community certainly is one of those ponds however many kinksters become obsessed with "their thing" and lack the mindspace for a real relationship. I think age has a whole lot to do with it as well as self confidence in knowing what you are looking for in a relationship. It becomes a game of chance no matter what..The "artsy" or "activist" crowd can be a great meeting spot if you are comfortable there, and fielding any questions the curious may have. The trans spectrum is huge and what one person is looking for is different from another but acceptance and inclusion is the common ground. Transpeople are not "damaged goods" unless they are made to feel that way.

[PaulaQ]

The "artsy" or "activist" crowd can be a great meeting spot if you are comfortable there, and fielding any questions the curious may have. The trans spectrum is huge and what one person is looking for is different from another but acceptance and inclusion is the common ground. Transpeople are not "damaged goods" unless they are made to feel that way.

This is really good advice and very true in my experience Regina, thanks!

[Jenny22]

You don't have to persuade me. ...

So beautifully said, so wonderfully written!

[Acastina]

Paula, your Thanksgiving pic looks way too normal. Sure you're one of us?:heehee:

You go, Girl. Lucky girl, lucky guy.

[Dana44]

Nice Thanksgiving spread Paula, and you look like a comfortable woman with your man looking at you. Take care Paula and this is a nice tread.

[grace7777]

I am a trans woman in the early stages of transitioning and I am alone. Then again most of my adult life I have lived alone, and only in the recent past have I discovered I am trans. I really do not seek a relationship, but would not be opposed to it if I met a wonderful person. What really would make me happy is just to have a few close friends.

[mykell]

hi grace,
i go to pflag support meetings here, one night is reserved for transgender folks,
perhaps you could meet someone there and start some friendships, here is a link:
http://www.pflag.com/


paula a super model you are, what better role model than what you have become....save me some deviled eggs.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Like Sherry said, there some people who do get struck by lightning, but it is very rare. Sherry has a lot going for her outside of crossdressing (I hope she doesn't mind me saying that) and if she has a difficult time, imagine those who have other "issues" in addition to the crossdressing?

[PaulaQ]

there some people who do get struck by lightning, but it is very rare. ... and if she has a difficult time, imagine those who have other "issues" in addition to the crossdressing?

I've been struck 5 times then, and am friends with people who've been struck at least once. Since I know some of the women who actually like CDs, I feel pretty confident that this isn't freak coincidence - because I know exactly how and why I met these people. Sure, if you passively wait for it to happen for you, odds are, it won't. But that's the first fallacy - YOU have to be involved in the process. If you just live your life waiting, then you'll spend it waiting alone, odds are,

The biggest issue most CDs are going to have compared to the trans people I know, is that you aren't out, and many of you will start relationships (and I'm not judging you here, I know how hard this is), without being honest about who you really are. I understand that there is an element of self-defense, survival, and frankly desperation in all of that. I've been there, done that, and have the children and ex-wives to show for it. I get that. Believe me.

What I've learned though is that if you want to have better than a lottery-winner type chance of happiness in a relationship, you have to do things to make this happen. This starts with being open about who you are, at least in a limited way. The CDs I know who have met women who like them go out to events where meeting such women are possible. They don't simply stay home. They may not be out to everyone, or even most of the people in their lives. But they are out to SOMEONE, and they go out and do stuff. Some of the events where they've had luck are frankly fetish related sex parties. Despite that, sometimes genuine long lasting relationships form. Others may be involved in the community, or may simply go to church or some other function en femme. I assert that their odds of meeting someone are WAY higher than someone who simply lurks at home, never venturing out.

It isn't just having more opportunities, though - it's about being more real and honest about yourself. Look, people can tell when you aren't authentic. They may not understand why, they may deny it, and some of us are better at hiding it than others, but it's off-putting. Authenticity is a big deal.

If you want to tell yourselves "it'll never happen for me, Paula (and all the friends she's mentioned) are just flukes", then fine, tell yourself that. But I guarantee you that it's liable to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And even if you are right, Vickie, and I am simply a super-lotto winner who's too dumb to know it, I do know this - the odds of winning the lotto are low. But they are ZERO if you never even buy a ticket. :)

[Contessa]

Hi Paula

I have thought that I would be alone and as it is now I am lonely. I moved from the home that my spouse and I were living in in 2014. Her and I had a 38 year marriage prior to the onset of my dressing. I hate that she could not accept me as I was coming into myself. I was just beginning to live and she had to say to me that if I wasn't able to have sex as a man then she didn't want me. I also noticed that once I was on hormones that I was even more attracted to her as she was the one who found me not the other way around. I would wish to rekindle that relationship but to no avail. I did in the middle of Aug of 2015 move away again and also in late Oct 2015 to my home alone in Arizona. I want to meet another person to have a relationship with. She needs to be a bi sexual cis gender woman. I am not just a crossdresser as I live 24/7. This person must understand that I can't preform as a man.

Also to whom ever mentioned a website I am trying to figure out how and want to do so to help with those who might be actively searching.

Contessa

[PaulaQ]

She needs to be a bi sexual cis gender woman. I am not just a crossdresser as I live 24/7. This person must understand that I can't preform as a man.

1. Why only bisexual women?
2. Why only cisgender women?

[sometimes_miss]

It's not that we have to be alone. It's that we don't feel that we can be 'ourselves', and be loved for everything we are. We feel we have to hide this part of our life from others to be sexually attractive to the ones we want to have as mates. I'm not always alone; I meet interesting women, and date. But at some point I have to break it off before the relationship becomes too serious, always because of the obvious behavior on her part that indicates she wouldn't be accepting of dating a crossdresser. I know, I know, plenty of you will tell me to just assume that if she really loves me, it won't make a difference. But my experience has not shown that to be true.

[Georgette_USA]

When my partner of 38 years died, I felt so alone for a year. But I decided I was not going to stay lonely. Met many other TS ( Pre and Post), also joined a large meetup group of a very mixed crowd of TG/TS and CDs. Many from this group and others not in it, TS and Lesbian women, and I go out clubbing and some also do Karaoke.

I have all but given up hope for a purely male partner. I have always felt more emotionally attached to female partners. I have made some friendly overtures to some Lesbian and TS and CD.

I think it is time for all of us to expand our views of what we are looking for.

[Jocee]

Where do you live? I'd love to get an invite to one of her parties :)

Joanna

[pamela7]

True love exists in my world. I am beyond lucky. Being late-onset, my trans revelations have come as surprises to both myself and my wife, but i kept telling her everything, every step of the way. She's with me to the end of the line, which means full transition - GRS and hormones, and life thereafter.

What Paula says is true on so many levels. Listen to her. In the end it is only worth being with someone where you are fully, truly yourself. As starting conditions affect all in chaos theory, they do in real life. By being the CD/TG/TS publicly when you meet your future soulmate, there is nothing to hide, nothing at all, and no complaints from them that you're not what they expected!

xxx Pam