Retiring from CD'ing

[ellbee]

Realized I hadn't heard from someone in a while, so decided to check up on them.


Found this...

https://thegirldownthehallblog.wordpress.com/2016/12/03/retiring-from-crossdressing/

[Tracy Irving]

So sad to hear. Sorry for your loss.

[ellbee]

Not me.

Sorry for the misunderstanding.

[ReineD]

Sounds like he's got compelling reasons to quit right now, with the loss of his job, the CDing drain on the bank account, having to relocate, and missing his male workout body.

But, he will likely return to it at some point in the future when his life and finances are stable again, after which he'll maybe prioritize finding a GG life parter (when he might quit again), but when that relationship settles, he'll likely start up again. There is a reason why so many people get into the CDing more seriously when they approach middle age. It's a time of life that is generally more stable, with more time to CD - maybe the kids are older - more secure finances, the primary relationship is established, etc.

People think that CDers always quit due to shame but this blogger's experiences shows this isn't true. He simply has different priorities than the CDing right now, which makes sense to me. But, the CDing can indeed be a strong pull, so as mentioned, he might get back to it. Or, maybe not. We've had tens of thousands of members who participated here in the past but who no longer do.

[Meghan4now]

I tend to agree with Reine. I also found many of his assumptions about other CDS motivations and practices (cds won't work out???) rather presumptuous.

[Nikki.]

The final blog post was fantastic example of a trip down de river Nile. From someone who around a month ago mentioned they were likely in denial about being TS. And was sure to post in any thread about same sex attraction how straight they are/were. I hope he accepts her before he is in crisis.

[ellbee]

There is a reason why so many people get into the CDing more seriously when they approach middle age.

I agree with a lot of your post.

Thought I'd also add that over time, comes greater self-acceptance, which is huge with all this.


When one is younger, perhaps they think they can "lick" this thing, that it's beatable, that they're tougher than it.

But as one grows a bit older, they realize maybe that's not the case, after all.


I don't believe much of this is discussed here, believe it or not, but the struggle can be very real. We see some of that, but personally I think many are holding back. Why? Because that's what men do. They'll bottle it up, they'll repress it, they don't want to be perceived as weak by others or themselves. So, they keep things to themselves. Perhaps even make a joke about it, or just a quick "no big deal" reference.

But things can & do get a whole lot deeper than that. Just because one sees the tip of the iceberg, doesn't mean they've seen the whole thing. Perhaps something to keep in mind in this instance, as well as countless others.



Anyway, as for tens of thousands of people who no longer post here? Could be *tons* of different reasons -- and not just "quitting," either. It's a forum, plain & simple. All kinds of people leave all kinds of forums for all kinds of reasons.


Regardless, I wish the blogger well. :)

[Julie MA]

His reasons, his perspective, his decision. Hope he believes it and if so, sticks to it.

[Lana Mae]

I am sorry but I think she will be back! I was able to stifle for about 34 years! But I had commitments to my family and my wife! Once the commitments were basically gone pink fog full blast!!! Why do CDs think they have to be a skinny minnow to do what we do? There are plus sizes and very nice clothing for us! LOL Hugs Lana Mae

[Acastina]

Without knowing anything about this person other than reading the post, my suspicion is that it's not as easy or as permanent as s/he hopes. What I read in the post was a pretty obsessive personality careening between extremes, from purging to pumping iron to starving the weight off to ... what's next?

Who has to make an investment they can't afford in order to crossdress? Thrift-store clothing and supermarket makeup come to mind. I just tossed a wig brochure that had decent looking stuff for, oh, $29.95. I've been gathering a closet full of clothes and shoes and such for decades, and I doubt if the whole pile had a retail value of the $1500 figure mentioned (aside from a couple of pieces of inherited jewelry). Most of it was culled from sales racks and Payless Shoes and other such sources.

A buff male physique and strongly preferring facial hair and almost angrily asserting that s/he wants to be a guy is just dissonant with spending one's last dime on a crossdressing kit, only to have no use for it within months.

It was articulately put, and I believe heartfelt, but this person needs counseling, not abrupt episodes of denial and about-faces.

Most of us here have been through similar gender moodswings, purges, and fresh starts, only to fall back because there's something primal about this that can't be just willed away. I once had a therapist (a gender specialist, no less) who fell in love with a CD (possibly TS) client. They were married. He was the husband and gave up crossdressing to be her man.

It did not end well for either of them, and it didn't take very long. Denial can be a dangerous drug.

I gotta go with Reine's take on this, and I surely and sincerely wish this confused fellow-traveler all the luck in the world.

[Pat]

Everyone's Master of their own craft. ;) I hope he finds peace and wish him well.

[Leslie Langford]

I tend to agree with the other posters here who are skeptical about both fellow forum member dolovewell (and the author of the blog in question) and her (his?) ability to follow through with both their assertions and intentions to quit crossdressing for good. After all, the blogger is only 27 years old, and hasn't yet encountered all of the vicissitudes and life experiences that most other members here have - some good, some bad - but all invariably educational and humbling. And the one fundamental fact that has been overlooked here is that we do not choose the desire to crossdress (or to be transgender, for that matter) - it chooses us. And this desire is a harsh and unforgiving mistress whose control over us we can only manage by coming to terms with it and aiming for a peaceful co-existence with her, rather than assuming that we can ever banish her for good.

The blogger's statements sound eerily familiar to those often uttered by an alcoholic who claims to have finally "seen the light", has decided to swear off drinking once and for all, and knows with absolute certainty that he or she alone - unlike untold millions of others with the same problem - can lick this addiction (compulsion) all by themselves and through sheer willpower alone. Yes, all alone, because they are different, smarter, and better than all the others who have gone before them. Right!...and that's why organizations such as AA and Al-Anon exist...because, after all, everyone can turn their lives around all by themselves if they so desire just by applying the necessary grit and determination - NOT!

Retiring from crossdressing for good at age 27? Really? After all the work that has been put into it so far to perfect their femme look? Being able to switch off that desire to crossdress just as easily as flipping a light switch and with no regrets or withdrawal symptoms? This is the final word on the subject, and not just one in a long line of well-intentioned purge cycles that are doomed to continue until one finally acknowledges that while the desire to crossdress may be dormant or can be supressed for a while, it will invariably come back with a vengeance at some future time when personal situations change? I think not.

On one level, I commend the blogger for still being full of the naiveté and "p*ss and vinegar" optimism and resoluteness of youth that tells them that the world is their oyster and that anything is possible if one simply puts their mind to it. I hate to burst this bubble, but once life experiences pile up, we "old-timers" can attest to the fact that things can sometimes turn out very differently than expected despite our best efforts, and to our chagrin we find out the hard way that very often, reality bites as the saying goes. And so, one by one, we shed our illusions and pre-conceived ideas and learn to go with the flow.

The blogger is going through a momentary life crisis and sees their crossdressing as a distraction (and an unnecessary expense) that threatens their ability to stay focused on the real challenge at hand right now i.e. overcoming a gut-wrenching life change and finding new employment. No doubt, sooner or later they will get their life back on track, and like the others here, I'm willing to wager that once the good times return, so will the desire to crossdress - and if for no other reason but that it feels just so darn good - and right.

I hope that dolovewell doesn't go closing their account here just yet. We'll keep the porch light on for them so that they can find their way back here once things settle down and they decide to pick up where they left off...

[Shayna]

Good luck to the blogger in whatever his/her choices. I know in the past I willingly left it behind, only to have the desire come back. Hopefully the person in question can live life on their terms, which is what we all should strive for.

[ReineD]

The final blog post was fantastic example of a trip down de river Nile. From someone who around a month ago mentioned they were likely in denial about being TS.

Wondering if one is TS is common among CDers, when they're going through a pink fog stage (for lack of a better term). It has happened to my SO and a friend's husband who also lives in my town. It has happened to other CDers I've gotten to know well enough for them to share this. The pull of the CDing can indeed be so powerful as to intensely want to be female. But, the difference between a CDer who feels this way and a TS, is it's cyclical for the CDer, when other life priorities bubble back up to the surface. And for my SO and my friend's husband (both approaching 60), things just got old after a while as it became more difficult to achieve a certain mind's eye look.

[redtea]

so 27 is the magic number when people retire. 18 months of degrading myself for pleasure to go xD

[Territx]

I agree with the posts but we all have to find our own way. I do not know how I would react in that situation, but have thought about retirement from dressing -- though I would most likely continue to follow the subject and my friends. I am pretty sure I could not walk away "completely".

[Exris]

I hope everyone here realizes that the blog in question comes from a (formally?) regular poster on this site.

He (I will use he until he un-retires) is one of the most passable you could wish to see. I only read about half the blog but I get the general drift.

He's young and making a sound financial decision. But I doubt it will be a permanent decision. Time will tell.

Good luck in finding more secure employment tho. That overrides everything else.

[Ally 2112]

I hope all the best for this former poster .i will say i have retired about 100 times or more and umm well it did not quite work

[Jenniferathome]

Crossdressing is like being in the Mafia. No one leaves. Witness protection is a temporary thing. Just ask Henry Hill.

[Nikki.]

Wondering if one is TS is common among CDers, when they're going through a pink fog stage (for lack of a better term). It has happened to my SO and a friend's husband who also lives in my town. It has happened to other CDers I've gotten to know well enough for them to share this. The pull of the CDing can indeed be so powerful as to intensely want to be female. But, the difference between a CDer who feels this way and a TS, is it's cyclical for the CDer, when other life priorities bubble back up to the surface. And for my SO and my friend's husband (both approaching 60), things just got old after a while as it became more difficult to achieve a certain mind's eye look.

Wondering if one is a CDer is common for some of the TS' I've come to know and read about on the internets. Sometimes they feel very poorly and believe they must transition. Other times not as much and question why they are doing such things. Eventually as they age they realize CDing isn't enough and they are really the opposite gender.

See what I did there ;) ?

[Pat]

Crossdressing is like being in the Mafia. No one leaves.

Of course that's the perspective of this forum, but it would be, wouldn't it? There may well be people who get over crossdressing but we have no exposure to them here and I would think they wouldn't be motivated to join into groups. I don't think those people exist, but I have no evidence they don't. We have to respect his evaluation of his own situation if we want to be able to insist that the rest of the world accept our evaluations of ourselves.

I do agree with Leslie -- leave the porch light on. Welcome them if they return.

[Ellie Summer]

And the one fundamental fact that has been overlooked here is that we do not choose the desire to crossdress (or to be transgender, for that matter) - it chooses us. And this desire is a harsh and unforgiving mistress whose control over us we can only manage by coming to terms with it and aiming for a peaceful co-existence with her, rather than assuming that we can ever banish her for good.

I love this quote :)

[CarlaWestin]

I read the article. Facing the life challenges he has it's probably a good idea to put the CD'ing at least on the back burner.
I've had feelings in the past that my own hobby was an debilitating nonessential.

[ellbee]

"There may well be people who get over crossdressing..."


Oh, I'm sure some exist. And I'm sure they're also miserable deep down -- but soldier on with the charade, regardless. Hey, their life... I ain't gonna judge too harshly.


I also believe the "pull" to CD'ing can vary from person to person, in terms of intensity. So perhaps those with just a very "mild case" might have an easier time with that.


Anyway, quitting is easy: I've done it plenty of times! :laughing:

In all seriousness, though, the longest I went was 3.5 years. That last purge was just a tiny stash of basics. The decision was intentional at the start, but quickly found that I really didn't have the need or desire. However, I also wasn't kidding myself, either... I've been at this rodeo for a looong time, and already knew it could come back at any time. And, here we are today. :)

You also read here stories of how some went without for like 7 years, or 15 years, or whatever. Heck, even in this thread: 34 years! :confused3:

[AmandaM]

Maybe, he's just scared and freaked out. Maybe, he's reacting to "where this could go".

[Jodi]

When you retire from cd'ing, do you get a pension?

jodi

[Sarah Louise]

Of course that's the perspective of this forum, but it would be, wouldn't it? There may well be people who get over crossdressing but we have no exposure to them here and I would think they wouldn't be motivated to join into groups. I don't think those people exist, but I have no evidence they don't.

I totally agree with this, but maybe just one of them could come on here and tell us they were successful although, as you imply, they probably can't be bothered - or don't exist.

[Acastina]

I love this quote :)

I do, too. One thing I wanted to add to this conversation after reviewing it and reading the latest, is that age 30 is probably the big bulge in the bell curve of when people like us really take stock and come to terms with whatever this is to us. It was exactly at 30 for me that my youthful defenses just peeled away and broke down, leaving me to sort it out as an inescapable reality that I was stuck with.

It's not surprising that a passionate, even headstrong and impulsive, person at 27 would experience a binary paroxysm like this. Kind of like the volcano bulging before the big blow?

[Nikki.]

And that was kinda my point. For someone who got REALLY in to it, realized they looked pretty good, was having some doubt about gender ID, came from a conservative and religious background, I'm guessing there's internal conflict going on. Like a bunch:

- Anger(came through some of the posts about getting PM's about meeting up, and others)
- denial(self admitted)
- bargaining(if I can just get my bench up to 300 and grow a wicked Viking beard I'll have this girl crap beat and can be the warrior I really think I am, plus I'll go back to church and pray really hard and promise to do my best if God just does his part)

Maybe he's got it beat. If so, my sincere congratulations, though you aren't seeing this ;)

If not, I hope he deals with it in a healthy way, rather than the big blow.

[Jenniferathome]

... I don't think those people exist, but I have no evidence they don't.....

Just like Bigfoot but we all KNOW there is no such thing. Occams razor is the answer.

[Beverley Sims]

Stop the world I want to get off...... Yes.

Retire from my present activities... ? NO!

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Sounds like he's got compelling reasons to quit right now, with the loss of his job, the CDing drain on the bank account, having to relocate, and missing his male workout body.

I'm not so sure, to me it is more like he's feeling insecure in his masculinity because of the economic issues and is over-compensating by retreating into testosterone-y fervor.


But, he will likely return to it at some point in the future when his life and finances are stable again, after which he'll maybe prioritize finding a GG life parter (when he might quit again), but when that relationship settles, he'll likely start up again.

Perhaps, but he might end up with a non-accepting wife if he meets her in his macho/MRA/"game" mode. Which will lead into the "I married you because you were a macho man and now I find out you crossdress" thing when he gets found out.


People think that CDers always quit due to shame but this blogger's experiences shows this isn't true.

Reine, IMHO this IS a form of thinly disguised shame. I've seen this pattern before.


I also found many of his assumptions about other CDS motivations and practices (cds won't work out???) rather presumptuous.

Agreed.


And was sure to post in any thread about same sex attraction how straight they are/were. I hope he accepts her before he is in crisis.

And that is why I think this retirement is more about shame and self-acceptance than anything else with the whole "have I told you how much of a macho gym rat and straight I am today?" thing.


What I read in the post was a pretty obsessive personality careening between extremes, from purging to pumping iron to starving the weight off to ... what's next?

That is not an un-common pattern here, we've seen it before, we'll see it again.


A buff male physique and strongly preferring facial hair and almost angrily asserting that s/he wants to be a guy is just dissonant with spending one's last dime on a crossdressing kit, only to have no use for it within months.
It was articulately put, and I believe heartfelt, but this person needs counseling, not abrupt episodes of denial and about-faces.

Agreed, that's another reason why I think it is more about shame/guilt/self acceptance.


Crossdressing is like being in the Mafia. No one leaves. Witness protection is a temporary thing. Just ask Henry Hill.

Ha ha ha ha. I often refer to the various trans-things as "This Thing of Ours (of varying kinds)" a la one of the names for the Mafia..."Our Thing/Cosa Nostra" and I call transness in general "This Thing of Ours" in my sig.


Maybe, he's just scared and freaked out. Maybe, he's reacting to "where this could go".

I also think that is part of it.


For someone who got REALLY in to it, realized they looked pretty good, was having some doubt about gender ID, came from a conservative and religious background, I'm guessing there's internal conflict going on. Like a bunch:

- Anger(came through some of the posts about getting PM's about meeting up, and others)
- denial(self admitted)
- bargaining(if I can just get my bench up to 300 and grow a wicked Viking beard I'll have this girl crap beat and can be the warrior I really think I am, plus I'll go back to church and pray really hard and promise to do my best if God just does his part)

Indeed, what some call "internalized transphobia"


If not, I hope he deals with it in a healthy way, rather than the big blow.

I doubt it, considering how often this pattern has occured before. I'd lay odds on him meeting and marrying some woman during the hiatus, he'll think he's cured, only to start up in a few years, she finds out says the usual "I thought I married a macho man" thing, and he ends up back here again in a DADT relationship at best.


Occams razor is the answer.

You there! Stop bringing logic and common sense into a crossdressing-centric forum!

Veronica

[Krisi]

I will miss him/her on this forum but we must all decide what's best for ourselves. It's a common thought on this forum that one cannot quit crossdressing but of course, we are only hearing from the ones who have not quit. I believe you can quit if that's what you want to do and I wish him/her the best of luck.

[Leslie Langford]

When you retire from cd'ing, do you get a pension?

jodi

No, just the gold ladies' wristwatch. ;)

[Tina_gm]

Well, while my money would be on a return at some point, maybe not for a very long time.... still, we say over and over that cding/tg is so broad. And in this person's life experience, their masculinity may truly be a stronger drive and the cding does do exactly what they are saying. I'm saying it's possible. I'm saying that it may really be the correct decision. It may be not just denial or scary freak out too close for comfort kinda thing. It's probably that, but not necessarily.

[ReineD]

Wondering if one is a CDer is common for some of the TS' I've come to know and read about on the internets.

Yes, this happens too. Some of our TS members have said that they used to think they were CDers. But the difference is, (as mentioned earlier), it doesn't scale back for a TS, as is evidenced by the fact that they end up transitioning. But, it does for a CDer (i.e. the blogger) because different life priorities emerge occasionally. The point is, if someone is a woman born in a male body, the female identity is not something that ebbs and flows. It is always there, even if it takes awhile to realize it.

But why did you bring up being TS in your post that I quoted. Isn't this a thread about a CDer whose life priorities right now are such that he feels it is best to move on?

[Robert]

I wonder if the blogger is just trying to find some balance. Forgoing other pleasurable activities in favour of just one is quite unbalanced, and I would say that about both bodybuilding and CDing.

I was a hard core bodybuilder back in the day, and it definitely had a detrimental impact on the relationship I had with my then wife. Special diets, three hour gym sessions, regulated rest days, and etc are hard for other people to cope with. And, if you do it enough you end up looking quite weird.

I never got that hardcore into CDing, but I can see how it could happen. An all over tan, full body shaving, spray tans, lycra briefs, and constant posing in front of a mirror or camera. Come on. They're part of the same thing. Whatever that is.

Both are incredibly individualistic and selfish.

[Nikki.]

But why did you bring up being TS in your post that I quoted. Isn't this a thread about a CDer whose life priorities right now are such that he feels it is best to move on?

It was one of a few things I brought up in my post. I brought that up because DLW himself mentioned in a thread here that he was probably in denial about being TS. Which to me would be a sign that it's fairly unlikely his battle to free of all things transiness will be victorious.

Of the various ideas I mentioned, why did you choose to focus on the TS related one?

[Krisi]

............... Isn't this a thread about a CDer whose life priorities right now are such that he feels it is best to move on?

Of course it is. It's about a crossdresser, not a transsexual.

[MissTee]

I feel this blogger's farewell post is a dead on example of the conflict we all have faced in dealing with our special calling. "I am not this, I will leave it behind, etc.". Gosh, if I had a thousand bucks for every "I am/no I'm not" moment I've had I would be very wealthy. Best of luck to him on his journey - wherever it takes him.

[Leslie Langford]

Right on, Miss Tee - referring to our needs as a "special calling" is probably one of the better ways that I have seen it described because that definition resonates on so many levels. It's a need, a compulsion, an addiction, a calling...however one wants to describe it, but the net result is the same - it's part of us, it won't let go of us, and it drives us to do what we do.

Everyone has their own particular "hot" button that defines and drives them - politicians and entertainers who crave the attention they get, executives and leaders of organizations who need the adrenalin rush of power, environmentalists and members of the clergy whose self-appointed mission is to save the world from itself, crossdressers who need to experience their "second life" first hand etc., etc.

Look at all the aging rock stars from the 1960's and upwards who just can't let it go, retire to a life of golf, and enjoy their millions. They just need to do what they do and keep on performing, no matter how pathetic they may look at some point.

[irene9999]

I've felt like this blogger before, at times I've felt like I was done with this for one reason or another. Some of the reasons he mentions make no sense to me, like working out or not being wealthy, haven't stopped me from dressing. Anyway, to each his own but I'd be surprised if he doesn't return to this "hobby" at some point in his life, especially since he's relatively young

[Stephanie47]

A person needs balance in life. Any activity can become all consuming...time and money wise. An activity may also limit friendships and family interactions. How many people are addicted to harmful activities; drugs (legal and illegal), alcohol, excessive gambling? I can imagine a cross dresser with a compulsive personality who will do nothing at all unless it is cross dressing motivated. The blogger points out financial difficulties. That can happen with any activity. A wife may be supportive, but, spend to many dollars on heels and endless amounts of lingerie and the tune will change.

I saw a lot of rationalizing in the blogger's exit post. In the end the question still comes down to the big "why." Why do I do what I do? It's not what enjoyment I get from cross dressing. Sure I get some degree of serenity from wearing women's clothing. Am I trying to escape the stresses society places on me because I am a man? There is a reason, be it known or unknown, why a man will don women's clothing.

There have been times during my adult life when I have had absolutely no thoughts of wearing women's clothing. And, that time span covered many years. Then there has been times when it was as if I needed that "next fix." For the last decade I have been on an even keel.

I suspect our blogger friend has not seen the last of his desires to emulate a woman. I suspect when the planets align the pull will be there again. Balance and moderation.

[Periwinkle]

I don't really see myself retiring anytime soon. Especially not for the same reasons as that blogger. I'm super frugal, so I don't spend a ton of money on my crossdressing. I'm also not exceptionally masculine. When I quit in high school, I did it because I wanted to be just like all the other guys, who were all really masculine. I also did it because I felt like I had to compensate for my slow physical development. Needless to say, it didn't really help me at all, but at least I learned to never retire again. It only leads to a boring wardrobe and fake friends.

[MelanieAnne]

No one retires from crossdressing. And we'll leave the light on.

[Krisi]

............................ It's a need, a compulsion, an addiction, a calling...however one wants to describe it, but the net result is the same - it's part of us, it won't let go of us, and it drives us to do what we do. ..........................

It may be for some people but it is not for others. I often see this or similar posts and I wonder if people crossdressers post this sort of thing just to convince themselves that it's OK to crossdress because "nobody can quit".

As I posted above, people who have quit crossdressing don't typically participate in crossdressing forums so judging based on crossdressing forum members is invalid. Look at how many people have joined this forum over the years and how many are active posters. Did the rest of them die? Or maybe they just lost interest in crossdressing and took up golf or fishing instead.

I know that in my lifetime I have been very interested and involved with many different hobbies but eventually found new interests and drifted away from the old ones. I'll bet most people are pretty much the same.

If anyone feels they are "addicted" to crossdressing, they have a problem and should seek help.

[ellbee]

For those who say that everyone (or even many or most) who no longer posts here actually quit CD'ing: I take it, then, that every single internet forum that you *ever* posted on, regardless of its subject matter, you're still an active member of?

Please.

Again, all kinds of people stop participating in all kinds of forums for all kinds of reasons, all the time.


Anyway, there's someone here who didn't dress for 34 YEARS -- but started back up again. Did they "quit"? I suppose if you questioned them at any point during those 34 years, the answer would be yes. Ask them today, and the answer would be pretty obvious.


I'm not saying it's impossible to quit for the rest of one's life. But that certainly doesn't mean they're still not getting even the occasional urges, and that certainly doesn't mean they're necessarily happy about it, even subconsciously; nor does it mean they're necessarily completely fulfilled, that they don't feel anything is missing from their life.


And no, I don't see CD'ing as a hobby. In some sense, it is for some people. Yet at other levels, it most definitely is not.

[Acastina]

With respect, I don't think crossdressing can be dismissed or downplayed as just another hobby from which one might come and go. I've done that with golf over the years, and my songwriting and performing, but this is different (at least for me). Those activities, those hobbies or avocations, don't have a source deep down in my psyche (although the creative work of songwriting may get as close as anything else) that seems indelible and permanent, inescapable and impossible to ignore or disregard. It's not an "interest"; it's a part of who I am.

I see posters here who are very new to it at relatively advanced ages, and I suppose that phenomenon may be in the nature of taking up a new hobby without it having been intertwined in one's childhood and early development, but I also see many more whose memories of this differentness go back as far as their memories go back. The whole idea is rife with potential for powerful denial, hyper-categorizing to assure ourselves that we're not "like that", drinking/drugging/distracting/obsessing/praying it away from the front burner, and dismissive opinions asserted as fact. It's to be expected when we challenge a powerful taboo.

And why would any sane male deliberately set out to challenge a powerful taboo simply as a way to fill spare time? Life would be soooo much easier without it, even if many of us understand that, after a lifetime (so far) of experiencing it, there would likely be much that we would miss if Big Pharma came up with the miracle CD-blocker pill tomorrow. Quite frankly, I don't know how that would work anyway. How could a pill take away the urge (which might quite accurately be termed a compulsion, even an addiction, if we can separate those terms from pejorative connotations) and leave the memories without inducing some kind of new stress, some sense of loss?

I guess my point is that we can rationalize who we are and what we do until closing time, and a closeted 30-year-old from the South is likely to come up with different opinions than a socially comfortable 60-year-old Californian, but, for whatever we see of periodic or temporary participation here, there are as many stories and as many reasons as there are members and guests. One size does not fit all, but the adamant extremes expressed in the OP's link are familiar to many of us old hands. We've heard this story before, and that makes us skeptical of anyone who found their way here (and maintained a blog about it) simply willing it away like a hobby that's no longer interesting.

[Leslie Langford]

...If anyone feels they are "addicted" to crossdressing, they have a problem and should seek help...

Hmmm...so I guess by that reasoning, there are "good" addictions such as workaholism, jogging, bodybuilding, and dedicating one's life to public service the way some career politicians do because the outcomes are generally considered positive, and we don't worry too much about the collateral damage to others such as family members who are indirectly impacted by these obsessions.

Funny how crossdressing presumably falls into the "bad" category in your view if it becomes addictive, and seeking professional help to deal with it is then indicated. And yet, when it comes to joggers or long distance runners who keep doing their particular activity because they enjoy the endorphin rush generated by it, society not only seems to condone this obsession, it actually encourages it because it is considered to be a healthy fitness activity (never mind that runners invariably end up with bad knees due to the incessant pounding they take after years of doing this).

Well, guess what? Considering the fact that I have finally come to terms with my crossdressing and no longer feel guilty or ashamed over it I now see it as being therapeutic instead, as it actually puts me in a good place mentally and is a great stress reliever. Personally, I'd rather spend hundreds of dollars on a new female wardrobe as opposed to paying the same amount to a therapist, as I am sure that I will get far more bang for my buck from the former.

More to the point - as "addictions" go, I'll gladly put my particular poison up against anyone else's and challenge them to prove the moral or ethical superiority of theirs over mine. And no - I don't want to be "cured" of it, no more than I would want to be "cured" of left-handedness or some similar inborn condition.

[Acastina]

I agree completely that there's an asymmetry to how society views obsessive behaviors, that spending countless hours running or working out or just plain working is virtuous while all kinds of inherently harmless habits get demonized. As you assert, once one stops pathologizing what we do, it's easy to see it as a healthy habit instead. Call it addiction if you must, but understand that it's a loaded word that connotes such harmful habits as using heroin. If you can't find a way to fit it into your schedule and neglect important other things, then I suppose professional help would be warranted, but that would be true of obsessive running as well.

Funny that you'd mention left-handedness. I've long believed that what goes on inside us is akin to that natural human variation. Why does any given individual simply start using the left hand (and probably kicking and batting lefty as well if into sports) when most of us naturally use the right? And weren't Catholic-school nuns notorious for brutally trying to "convert" lefties onto the path of right-handed righteousness, as if being a southpaw was somehow sinful or against a divine plan?

So then, why, if we set aside the highly artificial moralization of everything remotely sexual in nature, shouldn't it be equally natural for some humans with XY chromosomes and an "M" on the birth certificate innately feel that they should be XX with an "F"? The brain is an incredibly complex organism, and we are nowhere near understanding all of its mysteries and potential harmless anomalies.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Objectively speaking, if this person can quit (an astronomically big "if"), they would probably be better off for it, especially when it comes to finding an SO.

[IleneD]

Acastina,

What a wonderful and thoughtful post. Your 'left handed' analogy was remarkable in it's crystal clarity and appropriateness.
I too consider my newfound and blossoming CD Life as a PLUS; something that adds to my quality as a human being. It is a strength. The fact I've come late to embrace Her doesn't mean She isn't a blessing. I like the idea of it being "a healthy habit".
Thank you.

[Leslie Langford]

...Funny that you'd mention left-handedness. I've long believed that what goes on inside us is akin to that natural human variation. Why does any given individual simply start using the left hand (and probably kicking and batting lefty as well if into sports) when most of us naturally use the right? And weren't Catholic-school nuns notorious for brutally trying to "convert" lefties onto the path of right-handed righteousness, as if being a southpaw was somehow sinful or against a divine plan?...


Thank you for the validation that you've provided to my post (above), Acastina. :)

You do, of course, realize that the Latin word for "left" is "sinister", hence the implied association with Satan/Lucifer/The Devil/Beelzebub and your nuns' obsession (there goes that word again! ;) ) with exorcising that demon right out of their hapless charges. ;) So yes, definitely against their interpretation of the divine plan...:eek: :devil:

[Krisi]

Hmmm...so I guess by that reasoning, ...................

I've been on the Internet long enough to realize that any response that begins with "Hmmm..." is going to be a sarcastic rebuttal of whatever I posted. I wish you could be a little more polite in your response, but that's how it goes.

Again, crossdressers post that it's impossible to quit crossdressing to enable themselves so they don't have to try. You can stop crossdressing if you have to or want to. If you don't want to, in most cases, that's fine. You're not hurting yourself or anyone else.

It would be best if people just admitted that they wear women's clothes because they want to, not because they cannot stop. That's just an excuse.

[Acastina]

Except that the overwhelming weight of experience is that it's compulsive behavior that is profoundly resistant to willpower, distraction, shaming, rejection, drink, drug, prayer, physical violence, military service, incarceration, and on and on.

Many of those alternatives are inherently harmful, whereas this is only harmful in the eyes of intolerant beholders and rigid social orders.

It's not as simple as just stopping. How many out there have purged, probably more than once, only to be drawn back in by something inside you that refuses to just go away? How many swore to themselves that this would be the last time, that they would outgrow it or out-macho it or 12-step it away? How many parents have assumed/hoped it was just a phase that would soon be left behind, only to be disappointed or angered about it later?

Show me someone who really, really has the bug, and I'll show you someone who can only beat it by one or more of the negative factors in the first sentence. And the cure may very likely be worse than the disease.

Show me someone who merely "wants" to violate this taboo and can quit at any time, and I'll show you someone who doesn't have the bug but somehow finds social space to play at it for reasons I have a hard time trying to understand.

[Lily Catherine]

Isn't it somewhat of a moot point to attempt to discuss retirement this neck of the woods? I'd expect "retirees" to violently turn their backs, and perish every last thought. The highest level of quitting (I know this is an extremely ridiculous stretch) would be akin to a heavy drinker completely not feeling like drinking anymore, not merely standing unfazed in the face of the beer tap.

I think crossdressing is much too broad a term to paint with any brush in the first place. It would only be special pleading to claim it "more than a hobby" for everyone, if only because - yes - some do treat it as a recreational activity (I don't happen to be one of those myself). Crossdressing in itself seems to be 'the hard way' if one's life becomes easier in its absence. If it's a hobby to someone I think it should be something they would be ready to abandon at any time. I think we're hardwired with this; it is perhaps like left-handedness in this regard. On a personal note, I was made to write with my right hand and learnt to play the guitar right-handed even though I'm actually left-handed. Part of it is now quite irreversible, although I play racket sports, use computers and eat left-handed. I want to think choosing to crossdress is a habit that stems from an otherwise barely understood motivation. And when habits become indulgences, they invariably take their toll.

The blogger seems to be in a state of denial and is bargaining (per the Five Stages of Grief), reading off his last post. He was visibly very much into it prior, but seems otherwise worried about "where this will go". How he actually feels is for him to say, not for us to probe.

[Acastina]

The left-handed analogy seems to be resonating, as it should. The great pro golfer Phil Mickelson is right-handed but learned his swing mirroring his father's, somewhat like your guitar technique. And perhaps there's another aspect to this in your having learned to do several usually "-handed" things with your secondary hand.

I've learned a lot of little mechanical and remodeling skills with both hands, because often you find yourself in a corner or an awkward position, and it's just easier to hold the paintbrush or screwdriver or wrench in the other hand. Those of us who identify as non-binary or fluid seem to have done this with gender adaptation, learning to do some things in a traditionally masculine way (such as manspreading or taking long strides) as part of our masculine role-playing, while having a second set of parallel mannerisms and movements for our feminine sides. I know I do.

[Brandy Mathews]

I totally agree with everything that Reine said too. I purged years ago too but all I did was fill Goodwill's shelves up, just to have to turn around and buy more things. Even though I love to shop, that was not the same feeling for me. I came to a conclusion after that action that I truly enjoy dressing and to just enjoy life.
Hugs,
Bree ;)