I got caught!

[Judy-Somthing]

Well I was down here typing and my wife came down, and guess what she was holding?
My size 13 pumps I left in the bedroom. OMG
I told her I've dressed since 8 and hid it because I could see she didn't like it.
She said she wanted a man not a GAY GUY and she always thought something was wrong with me.
I told her I use to dress with friends and haven't dressed for over 18 years but now that the kids moved out I thought I would see If I still liked it.

Well this is going to be bad. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

[Becky Blue]

Oh dear, wish you the best of luck!!

[Julie Denier]

I've been in your place. Hope it goes well.

[Tracy Irving]

So sorry to hear. I hope it works out for you.

[Judy-Somthing]

Things are not good.
She said she always thought I was a little fem which was a turn off.
That's why we don't have sex.
Our whole marriage is a lie!
I pretty sure I have to PURGE tomorrow, And I have so many nice wigs.

I told her it's who I am and it doesn't make me a bad person.
She said "your not a bad person it's just not what a women wants in a man"!
She said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good".

[Alice_2014_B]

That definitely stinks.

I remember telling my wife, gf at the time, that I enjoyed wearing high heels.
I was deployed to Kuwait at the time; I emailed her some Ebay links of some heels I liked. Then I just messaged her the huge secret.

Sorry this probably doesn't help your situation, certainly hope it gets better though.

:)

[paulaprimo]

ouch!! i'm so sorry Judy!
not sure if i could possibly offer any sound advice.
she seems pretty upset so maybe it's time for "the talk"
explain to her how it's not a question of "looking good"
as she stated, but more of a feeling. maybe even offer
to dress for her and let her judge how you look!
i think you look fantastic and maybe she would also...
fingers crossed, and hoping!!

[Periwinkle]

How rude of her to say that you don't look good dressed up. Hopefully you don't have to purge...

[ReallyLauren]

I'm so sorry Judy.....I've been on your place and it is really difficult. Don't make any hard decisions (i.e. Purging) for a few days until you see how things start to shake out. I'm my case we came to an understanding which isn't completely what I would have hoped for but is still liveable.

Thinking of you...Hugs, Lauren

[Leslie Langford]

On one level I feel for you, Judy, but...leaving your Size 13 pumps laying about - in your bedroom, no less - smacks of a subconscious desire to "want" to get caught to put all the years of lying about your crossdressing and the sneaking around out in the open once and for all - the consequences be d*mned. Most of us seasoned crossdressers who have years and years of DADT under our belts have learned to be very adept at covering our tracks so that this very thing never happens. I would have expected the same from someone like you.

You have just shouted "Fire!" in a crowded theater. I, too, hope it goes well for you now. I see a lot of grovelling and backpedalling in your immediate future with an uncertain outcome. Good luck!

[Tracii G]

Oh so she wants to blame you for the reason you don't have sex?.......................... how convenient.
I'm really sorry you are going thru this and its going to be hard.
This is me speaking of course but I would stand up for myself and say dressing isn't illegal and I enjoy it I'm sorry you don't like it but I have done it for longer than I have known you (if that is the case here).
She knows you aren't gay and you have always been the man in the relationship.
Sounds to me like she has her smoking gun now so get an attorney ASAP. Don't tell her you have retained one just get one for your own safety.
Again I am really sorry you have to deal with this.

[Shayna]

Good luck. When my wife found my stuff she was forgiving, but after a couple days was kind of wary and freaked out. Same deal, as in you're not a bad person, but not what I thought I was getting myself into. Eventually we settled into DADT and it rarely comes up. She's better with Mme now, as I've been a rock for her the last few months where life has been insane (her mother passed away, she's dealing with a lot of family drama). Hopefully she remembers why she married you in the first place and things settle down.

[bridget thronton]

I hope you can work things out to allow each of you some degree of happiness

[emma-louise]

Good luck to you must be a horrible time right now xx

[redtea]

"you could never look good"

Well, its really about feeling good than looking good. Looking good is just a bonus when it happens.

good luck figuring this all out, Don't purge...Just don't do it, You have needs too, Don't be a cuck, Have a few conversations about it, try to reach DADT status. Ignorance is bliss!

[leannejacobs]

So sorry it came out that way, don't jump the gun with your purge, I did that, I felt ashamed of myself and burned most of my things, I should have left it a while, what she's discovered has shocked her, give her some time to digest it, if I had, I would still have all my lovely things, it's taken a while but my wife fully accepts this part of me now and I get to dress in front of her whenever I like.

Hold a conversation with her and as you've done already explain it's part of you that she fell in love with, even if she didn't realise it, explain it won't go away and that if it could you'd make it happen for her but you must tell everything, don't hold anything back, good luck with it but give it time.

[Lana Mae]

Judy, I am so sorry this has happened to you! I agree with Leanne. DO NOT PURGE! Best wishes for a good outcome! Hugs Lana Mae

[Raychel]

I am so sorry you are going thru this Judy, I hope everything works for you.

I will echo what others have said, Do not purge, If you have to find a friend that will be
willing to keep your things for a while.

:hugs::hugs:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Judy:hugs::hugs:, I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, So much for a MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I hope that things can cool down and be talked about, Please hold off on purging.

We are all here for you, Keep us advised.>Orchid

[Julie MA]

Judy, so sorry, sort of. Now you have the chance that things will improve and you can open up. Hoping for you.
Julie

[Ressie]

I think some women would rather have a guy that cheats on them than to be married to a CD. Why is it that some women stay with their man that beats them, but can't deal with an SO that has a fem side?

Maybe you'll get her to understand where you're coming from. A lot depends on whether or not you both want to stay together or not. It sounds like there are other issues at stake. Try not to get too stressed out over this ordeal.

[Territx]

Good luck! I had a long comment typed and just deleted it because I don't know all of the factors and, I guess it really comes down to what you and your family want -- you have to make your own path. I do so hope that you find some peace and happiness.

[mykell]

dont know your whole situation but as far as purging, dont, hell donate the wigs to a cancer organization at the worst case scenario.

wont pass judgment on you leaving something out, being a secret squirrel is a tough lifestyle, immeasurable stress and angst,
have left out my share of things even after my disclosure, hard to live in perfect compliance,

as far as help the only thing i can offer is to pen a heartfelt letter of what the relationship has meant and the hiding and feelings have been like for you.
if there was an ounce of compassion and true love for you from her it may be nurtured....if not you gave her your best at reconciling the relationship.
cant say you didnt try and stating the obvious of coarse its not what a women wants in a man, but what man would make his whole existence that much more difficult by choosing to live this way intentionally....its not like you tried to hurt her....

best of luck,
do keep the attorney on speed dial....just in case....

[Fiona123]

This may be the best thing that's happened to you in a long time. 🌺

[Shelly Preston]

Things are not good.
She said she always thought I was a little fem which was a turn off.
That's why we don't have sex.
Our whole marriage is a lie!
I pretty sure I have to PURGE tomorrow, And I have so many nice wigs.

I told her it's who I am and it doesn't make me a bad person.
She said "your not a bad person it's just not what a women wants in a man"!
She said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good".


Hi Judy

Sorry to hear you having problems, I would say don't purge just yet but put your things in storage.
Please remember your wife has not had a lot of time to think over the conversation. Also I think telling her how early you started might help as you were honest about it.

Good luck and I hope things work out for both of you.

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone,

I know this has got to be very tuff for her. I did hate that I had such a big secret.
It's interesting in a way that her brother is Gay and married and we have Gay friends but she says guys in dresses are creepy.

I blame it on that in a lot of movies that the serial killers dabble in cross-dressing. Especially "Silence of the Lamb"

[GretchenM]

Judy,

I am so sorry that this has happened. In my opinion, you not only look good; you look amazing. I suspect she would be amazed, but showing her now might be throwing gasoline on the fire. Don't purge. Get some storage.

I suspect your wife is shocked and dismayed that her man is not what she expected. She sees dishonesty, manipulation, control, etc. The dressing may not actually be the issue; the deception she perceives may be the issue. The comment about being gay shows she doesn't really understand gender variance at all and is locked in some preconceived, stereotypical thinking about what a male constitutes. It may be time to find a marriage counselor where you can have a chance at working things out under the direction of an impartial, third party that is trained to deal with marital conflict. Not a gender therapist, but a family therapist. You both have a great deal invested in your marriage and it seems to me you should try to work things out in a neutral environment where anger and resentment is regulated by a pro. There is a middle ground in this and you both can embrace that once you find that combination. But finding it on your own is not the way to go. Compromises on both sides may be needed, but nobody should have to give up who they are to make the partner feel comfortable. This path may ultimately fail, but, IMHO, it is your best shot.

Gretchen

[DIANEF]

Judy, so sorry to hear of your situation, I've been inches from being found out myself. From what I have read on this forum people do get through this sort of thing, It will probably be tough, lots of tears, well, you already know. Being closeted myself I can't give the advice others can, but I can wish you all the best and hope things work out.

[Karine]

Hi Judy.

Sorry of what happened and that you having a really hard time. I guess things will be rocky. She seems to be open-minded (having a gay brother and gay friends). Maybe she is freaking out because of not knowing what is crossdressing. Being gay has been explained by the media, crossdressing not (or often in a bad way). I think you should talk and try to explain her what is crossdressing, how you feel (maybe ask her to join the forum).

Hope things will get better for you.
Karine.

[Teresa]

Judy,
I answered your other thread in the picture section, I am seeing echoes of my situation. My wife thinks I will look stupid when dressed but that's their wishfull thinking that you won't to satisfy their own thoughts.Only last week my wife and son were making sarcarstic jokes about my dressing and my daughter started to go back at them. I told my daughter after to let it go , it's their way of dealing with it bisides the comments were irrelevant because my daughter has sen my pictures and they haven't , so she knows I look aceptable and not a man in a dress.

If you could somehow manage to go out socially I'm sure things could change, it might be better to say you are going to a support group to get help . I am convinced now my wife is giving me more respect for moving it in her eyes from a questionable wierd hobby to satisfying an inner need . She did question how I had the courage to go out and do it, but she is OK now she knows I'm not gay , staying over and sharing a room was enough to convince her of that, although I admit it is an odd and unusual feeling sharing a room with another CDer. I didn't ever think I would dress in front of another man and then apply makeup, when it came to it ,it just felt a natural thing to do.

If you are going out, the fact that you slip up sometimes becomes irrelevant because she knows you are dressed hopefully as good as you can achieve an acceptable or passable level, it's not intentional that you leave things out.
Sadly the thought of men dressed is creepy to some, if she could meet others her attitude would change but I know that's not going to happen in my case. She is getting a different perspective now she allows me to talk about other members and it does help knowing many wives and partners accompany their CDing menfolk.

[Exris]

Judy - you look fantastic and always have.

As for your marriage... I can only offer a little. My marriage broke up mostly because we realized over the years we didnt like each other that much. Not anything like this. So I cant offer direct experience on that.

I wouldnt purge tho. It looks like you have put a great deal of care into your collection. Store it. Get it out of sight. If your marriage still has value to you see what you can do to salvage it - including counseling if your both committed enough.

If not... well you know the rest.

Good luck. I really mean it.

[sara66]

Judy,
I feel bad for both of you. It is tough on you and a shock for your wife. After the dust settles, I hope your wife realizes that you are the same man that she married no matter how you are dressed. Good luck.
Sara :hugs:

[Ally 2112]

I hope she can see through the clothes and still love the man you are

[Sarah Louise]

Oh, Judy, I'm sorry to hear this. I really hope things settle down. Your wife would be amazed how wrong she is in assuming you look bad when you dress. You always look fantastic.

I agree with others that it's probably best not to show any pictures too soon, don't purge and get some storage. If you can talk to her about this, do so calmly and be true to yourself. Good luck!

[joanna4]

I'm terribly sorry about that, I was reading your "almost got caught" a minute ago and its the first time I've seen this thread combo within the same day. I wish you the best of luck and keep doing what you're doing.

[SherriePall]

Judy, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I went through some of the same things almost 20 years ago when I told my wife of nearly 25 years.
She cried, asked the usual questions and didn't talk to me for several days. I thought some terrible thoughts, but never acted on them.
After a few days, she and I had a talk, etc.
So, right now we are basically DADT, although she does laundry and allows me a lingerie drawer (which is fuller than her's).
I am sure a lot of what your wife said was in the heat of the moment and she really didn't mean it. And for how you look,
there are many on here who can definitely say you look absolutely stunning.
Keep your temper and be as calm as you can. Address each concern with love and patience.
Take care.
We are all here for you.

[Sallee]

therapy is a good bet Don't know if it will help. Both of you need to go to have any hope of saving the relationship. You both have to want it.
I am in a DADT relationship which I don't mind but even that can be a pain sometimes. I wish you luck an d happiness however it works out

[nikkiwindsor]

Judy,

I too am sorry to learn about your trouble w/ the Mrs. I hope things work out. I know this won't do anything to help the situation but I hope your wife doesn't see any pics of you dressed b/c you're a gorgeous woman when transformed. I'm surmising that when she said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good" while angry and upset you were thinking "if you only new how good I look you'd be even angrier" and she's thinking "he probably does look good as a woman and that's upsetting me more."

BTW, my wife, while supportive of my feminine psyche, isn't enamored by it. But, it has actually brought us closer together b/c it's some unique and special about me that only she knows as my soul mate.

Nikki

[Judy-Somthing]

It's a real bummer that I stopped for almost twenty years and now after the kids moved out the interest came back.

To much time on my hands, I guess.

It's funny that after I dressed I gave the room a look over and vacuumed, I must have thought the heels were hers.

[BettyMorgan]

Judy,
I have appreciated your posts and messages since I first joined this community. I've envied your clothes and style and look. I want you to know I've always felt bad for you that you've had to keep this part of who you are a secret from someone who you should be most intimate with. I know you want her to know, understand and accept this part of you but she's been resistant.

This is who I am - a crossdresser. I can't change that. I'm one of the fortunate few who has a supportive SO. She didn't like the idea at first but changed over time. She has always appreciated who I am and she realized this extra quality (my feminine side) didn't change any of the other qualities she loves about me. If your wife fully loves you, then I'm hopeful that she will see that you are still the same person and knowing you wear different clothes sometimes won't change her love for you. I don't know her values or beliefs - only you do. This may be the best opportunity for you to now be open and honest about who you really are.

[docrobbysherry]

Judy, don't purge! Other than that? Good luck! Any way a couple can make it work is ok. Altho, if u aren't having sex your marriage may already be over. You're roommates now.:straightface:

I'm DADT with my live in, adult, daughter.:brolleyes:

Not the best of situations. But, I still get to enjoy being Sherry. And, it's much better than sneaking around and getting "caught".:thumbsdn:

[karynspanties]

So if you do not have sex anymore because you are too femme for her and she is making crass remarks and you say your marriage is a lie, seems to me your marriage is over and the only thing that needs to be purged is her.

[alwayshave]

Judy, I am very sorry for the confrontation regarding your dressing. I can only imagine the stress. I will repeat that you should not purge, but get a small storage unit and place you fem stuff there. I believe you are in Massachusetts. I can only tell you in divorce there, the deck is rigged against you and you should act accordingly, though less so if you are in Worcester County or west of there.

[Beverley Sims]

Don't think negative, see what the deeper reaction is and after time you may recover some ground.

If you have had a good relationship with your wife you may be able to smooth it over a little.

If things are already bumpy

I wish you well in your endeavors.

[CarlaWestin]

I did hate that I had such a big secret.

Well, first of all, I feel your pain. It's not going to be easy but, the good thing is that it's out. With many of us the only thing left after self acceptance is that pesky dishonest clandestine nature of the proclivity. Of course, the only thing that takes it's place is the reaction of others when you disclose. It's unfortunate that you were discovered by your own faux pas. That alone negates the subtle approach and goes right into damage control. Total acceptance? That ship has sailed. DADT? That's the best to hope for. Relationships truly are compromises. Store your stuff out of sight and try to work things out.
My wife and I now have a few years of DADT and it's just a minor issue with her now.

[Shiny]

Judy:

Wow! The dreaded "caught" scenario---doesn't matter how you got nailed only that you did and it is a catastrophe now I am sure! It sucks, but you'll survive, but most likely alone as I am. And when your wife said (paraphrasing) "why do you dress? You'd never look good as a woman." I thought I'd relate my caught scenario. I told my girl that I had better legs than she did anyway, then dressed just like the picture in my avatar to prove it. I went through all the lies, I'll quit etc... then finally said screw it! She had one foot out the door anyway so I dressed up just like the my avatar picture. She went off the rails which was funny because with her bird-legs and knobby-knees I had her badly beaten! Point for our side there! Anyway, yeah, she left in total disgust! And in retrospect? No real loss anyway when I really gave it a thought!

You'll survive--

[AmandaM]

Deal with the emotion of this before you purge, you don't want to be hasty.

[Jodi]

As others have said, retain a good lawyer now. Be up front and honest with him/her about the cd'ing.

Been there and done that. You must protect yourself. Otherwise, you could be out on the street.

Jodi

[Nikkilovesdresses]

She said she always thought I was a little fem which was a turn off.
That's why we don't have sex.

Oh really? That sounds rather a convenient way to hang a stale sex life on the other person. She's playing 'Now I've got you you son-of-a-bitch' if you're into Games People Play.

I think you should use this as an opportunity to talk about your marriage, rather than allow her to keep focusing on how everything's somehow your fault, just because she suddenly learns you like crossdressing. If she had a problem with you before, why didn't she say?

I wish you the best of luck Judy, but your wife's self-righteous attitude sucks.

[Victoria StJohn]

Judy, I'm sorry to hear of the dreadful 'caught'. I can only wish for you a satisfactory outcome as the days go by. I'm not good at giving advice in these situations; but, many members here as offering their sincerest comments which will give you some comfort and direction. Please don't purge. You can't destroy that beautiful person we all know.

[Judith96a]

Judy,
Ouch! I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. I'm not in a position to give much advice. I suspect that if I got caught I'd panic. My head says that's exactly the wrong thing to do but I know that's easier said than done! What I will say is that if you're going to do anything that could possibly be construed as provocative, eg retain a lawyer, then do so very discreetly. While you do have to be prudent, in case she goes headlong for the nuclear option, don't assume (or appear to assume) that it's inevitable or it could become self-fulfilling prophecy!
Read Sherrie's advice, re keeping calm and addressing concerns, over and over again. It's good advice. Remember that your wife is, to some degree, in shock.
And remember, we're here for you.
Hope it works out.

Last thought, others have said that it's probably too soon to be showing her photos and they may well be correct - unless of course she actually wants to see. It might just be worth asking her.

[Lorileah]

I know this has got to be very tuff for her. I did hate that I had such a big secret.
Size 13s I understand

It's interesting in a way that her brother is Gay and married and we have Gay friends but she says guys in dresses are creepy. Apples and oranges. At least to the lay community. I find it interesting that TG people use the "you don't mind gays, why do you mind what I do?" argument and then they disassociate from the L&G community at every point ("Hey, I'm not gay!"). So, at this point, your wife is confused and upset because you kept a secret. You left something out she "found" (people here will say you wanted to be caught). So, how do you think she feels? You didn't trust her. That hurts. You didn't give the option to discuss it. That hurts. Oh, by the way...are you gay? She doesn't know. You say "No, I am not gay." but she thinks "wait a minute, you didn't tell me about your dressing, how do I know you're being honest now?" Do you want to be a woman...because you see, she thinks you are a little "fem" so...? This is why I always promote being preemptive. You are on the defensive now. You are having to react. But that's water under the bridge.


I blame it on that in a lot of movies that the serial killers dabble in cross-dressing. Especially "Silence of the Lamb"
Yep. and as long as the TG community doesn't stand up to that stereotype, you will always be. Also Psycho. Or you could be a clown like Mrs Doubtfire...or Flip Wilson. Or you could be a sexual predator. All things that we have to fight like other minorities had to fight. But you have to be out in the public eye to do that...sorta like the Gays did.

I was told I was the ugliest woman in the world by my MIL when I came out to her. It hurt, but I responded that I wasn't (actually there was something there about looking in a mirror...). It's a natural thing when someone is shocked or cornered to lash out with something they think will hurt you. Beauty is what beauty does, right?

And your marriage is a lie? Bet she is thinking the same thing right now. You have a chance to save it. You need to be open and honest...starting now

[Karen RHT]

Sorry to hear how something so minor (forgetting to put a pair of shoes away) could lead to something so major Judy. Despite her initial reaction, it's possible that with a bit of time, your wife may come to view things a bit more rationally.

As others have suggested, you need to be open and honest with your wife, but she needs to get over her hysteria, and quickly. She also needs to stop the assumptions and drawing meaningless (but convenient) comparisons. When you're being open and honest, she needs to accept your explanations as truths. Stepping down from her moral high horse will help her see things more clearly. She claims to have noticed you appear a bit femme at times. Did she also notice how many times you didn't just appear masculine, you were outright, full bore, annoyingly masculine?

Sorry Judy, I don't have any professional training in human interactions, nor do I profess to know or understand why humans respond to stimuli the way we do. I only know it's far too common for humans to react poorly when faced with situations they don't understand, have personal bias against, or just plain don't want to deal with a situation.


Karen

[Tracii G]

Her brother is gay and she has gay friends soooooooo what has that got to do with guys wearing a dress or anything to do with you?
I am getting so tired of people here making homophobic comments about CDing when they should know better.

[greeneyes]

DO NOT PURGE! whatever you do, don't purge, it is like burning money. go rent a small storage space and stick it there or something. Can I be just to the point? Honey if you are not having sex, and your marriage is a lie. Keep your stuff, rethink the wife. I know some people are going to get onto me for saying that but WHY stay with someone that you aren't even intimate with? Life is to short to be miserable.
I agree..get a lawyer...and hang in there...This too Shall Pass.

[Maria 60]

WOW! Those are pretty harsh words there, are you sure she's not a man. Sorry not a laughing matter just trying to put some light in a dark place. Don't purge, just try to store it all somewhere safe, i purged once and boy do I wish I had those slips and bras back. Hope it works out and vent here as much as you have to. Here we are always listening.

[Laurana]

Again?

Isn't this the 3rd or 4th time this has happened to you in a year?

[Judy-Somthing]

"Isn't this the 3rd or 4th time this has happened to you in a year?"

I tried to tell her in January which didn't go well. This is the first time she found a real piece of evidence!

I feel so bad for hurting her! This morning she said she still loves me but she feels well be living as room mates from now on.

[Sharon B.]

This morning she said she still loves me but she feels well be living as room mates from now on.
So if you are or will be living as room mates does that mean you will be able to dress as you want?

[Karen RHT]

Ok...you folks can shoot me down in flames if you disagree but you didn't hurt her, she's hurting herself. Yes she's "shocked" at her discovery, but she refuses to look beyond her own personal fears and biases, and is focused on them while ignoring you. She said she still loves you, but considers you a room mate. What kind of love is that?

Time for her love to overcome her fears.


Karen

[JenniferR771]

She always thought you were a little fem and married you anyway? She never asked if you were a crossdresser? Gay men seldom marry women--they can't stand the drama. " You would make an ugly woman"--( the competition scares her.) If she thinks you are a different person and "not the man I married"--how superficial! Did she marry a suit and tie--or a real person? Is she still the woman you married--gained a little weight? Cut her hair short? Wears jeans? Lost interest? Is it like living with your older sister?

Happened to me 15 years ago--still together, DADT--but gradually more flexible. She bought big storage tubs to store my dresses, wigs and shoes. (Outdoors in my shed).

If you purge--hide the wigs. But it will be fun shopping for new clothes.

Don't get a marriage counselor with a conservative viewpoint--mine convinced me to purge. (But I kept some of my girly things.)

[Connie D50]

I wouldn't purge say your taking it to good well and find a safe place.

[Sarah Louise]

Judy, the fact that she said she loves you is positive. If you haven't already, I suggest you find a quiet time and talk this through with her. Tell her you'll be completely honest with her and make sure you are.

It's been a big shock for her that will take a while for her to get her head around. But if you keep lines of communication open, answer all her questions and keep on reassuring her there's a good chance you'll come through this.

Good luck!

[Tracii G]

Still loves you yeah I have heard that one before.
She is biding her time until she can legally drop the hammer on you is what I think. I know that will sound harsh to a lot here but that is just how women are.
Deceptive and conniving is what a lot of women are and they don't do anything without a plan.

Personally you have tried to come out but she doesn't want to hear it and doesn't care about you or your needs.
You don't mean anything to her and its her way or no way. You opinion and well being mentally don't matter to her is what it looks like to me.
I think its time to stand up and be listened to.

[~Joanne~]

Sorry to hear about this :( I wouldn't purge, she didn't find all of your stuff, just the heels, so i'd wait till she is gone and pack it all up and hide it elsewhere, some where she won't go or look. Unfortunately I have to agree with leslie though, it was careless to leave your heels under the bed. I know we leave telltales all over the place but a size 13 pair of heels under the bed is a totally different story. I know she didn't sign up for this but at the same time, neither did you. I hope this works out for you.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

I find it interesting that TG people use the "you don't mind gays, why do you mind what I do?" argument and then they disassociate from the L&G community at every point ("Hey, I'm not gay!").

Yep.


You left something out she "found" (people here will say you wanted to be caught).

Oh I'm damn sure she subconsciously wanted to be caught:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?239009-Do-you-feel-like-your-constantly-pushed-back-into-the-closet


So, how do you think she feels? You didn't trust her. That hurts. You didn't give the option to discuss it. That hurts. Oh, by the way...are you gay? She doesn't know. You say "No, I am not gay." but she thinks "wait a minute, you didn't tell me about your dressing, how do I know you're being honest now?" Do you want to be a woman...because you see, she thinks you are a little "fem" so...? This is why I always promote being preemptive. You are on the defensive now. You are having to react.

Which is why I said to Judy, EIGHT months ago:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?239009-Do-you-feel-like-your-constantly-pushed-back-into-the-closet&p=3928609&viewfull=1#post3928609


You need to be open and honest...starting now

Judy has shown time again that she doesn't understand the need for that, she's been here a year and has learned diddly squat from our mistakes of the past.


Again?

Isn't this the 3rd or 4th time this has happened to you in a year?

Oh, you remembered the passive aggressive telling-without-telling as well? I'm glad someone else did.


"Isn't this the 3rd or 4th time this has happened to you in a year?"

I tried to tell her in January which didn't go well. This is the first time she found a real piece of evidence!

I feel so bad for hurting her!

But you didn't feel bad enough to tell her directly when we TOLD you to do so EIGHT MONTHS AGO! No, you have to beat around the bush and be passive-aggressive and not deal with it directly like an adult. And now you're dealing with the fallout of NOT doing that.

Be direct, be honest. Tell her everything. What you do, how long you've been doing it, your feelings about it. Everything. Have a freaking adult conversation about it.

Veronica

[Aunt Kelly]

Two things...
One, it seems pretty clear that your marriage has issues that go beyond the one most recently added.
Two, the particulars of those issues are unknown to anyone on this forum, so take anything that anyone says about how to approach those issues with a much skepticism. Maybe your wife is reacting out of fear from the recent revelation and with time and communication, maybe counseling, things will work out. Maybe she is a conniving shrew who believes she has found the hammer to beat you with, emotionally or even legally. The point is that we don't know. Only you can know that, and it rather feels that you're not sure.
My only advice would be to get sure, one way or the other. How this gets resolved will have profound consequences, maybe good, maybe not, so go in with your eyes, ears and mind wide open.

[Dana44]

I had one woman that was on her high horse and you cold not change that. Yep we divorced and she told the world that I crossdressed. Judy, do not purge. Do talk to her about you. It seems you only like to crossdress and go no farther than that, you just like the clothes. Tell her abut yourself and see if she responds. I had to divorce my high horse lady because she was destructive to our relationship. We all deserve to be loved and totally loved by our partners and not thinly loved. It sounds like you should look into a lawyer, They are pretty good at judging relationships when you give them all the information. .Judy you deserve to be loved. But also try to find a therapist that can help in this situation and if she does not come back down to earth, then likely there is only one option.

[Teresa]

Judy,
Your wife really is putting you in a difficult situation now, to me she is saying in different words that it's either your crossdressing or your marriage. I do understand where she's coming from but she's not giving you the chance to explain your CDing needs.

If like most of us you were born like it and will end your days with it, nothing is going to change that, OK you have the slight confusion of being gender fluid , where you have ebb and flow. To cut that need off completely and to try meet her demands isn't going to work if you are totally honest with yourself.

You need to forget the stash of clothes, ( don't purge !) they are irrelevant,it doesn't matter if you have one dress or a thousand , you have to come to terms with your needs even if it does take counselling and then put your wife in the picture, if you still love one another strong enough then hopefully you can resolve the problem.

I found once the word separation had been used and mutually agreed to the sensible talking starts , the important issues are put on the table and the true values realised. We came to a compromise which at the moment is working, but for me stepping out the door as a CDer was part of the deal in return I gave my wife a husband and a father for the children.

[GretchenM]

Judy,

If your wife claims she still loves you then there is an opportunity for repair and recovery of the marriage. If you still love her, then it is pretty much only fear of exposure of other secrets you both might have that is holding you back from jointly going to counseling. But it is also an opportunity to pull much closer together than you ever were. The counseling must be approached with a view toward full disclosure and honesty because the trust between you has been damaged.

My wife and I (both in early 70's) have a roommate kind of relationship in some respects. She lost interest in sex years ago and my ability is pretty limited as well. To us it is no big deal because we still deeply love each other and we don't need sex to validate that love. Our closeness and sharing validates it. We view each other as equals. She knows about my gender variance and accepts it but wants nothing to do with it actively. She has never seen me. That's fine. It is just one of those things we can't share. When I came out she was suspicious of all kinds of things that might being going one. I went to a gender therapist; she went to a therapist that helps loved ones of gender variant people. We found a common ground. It was rough, but since then (2012) we have been somewhat closer than we were before and more trusting of each other. It can work for the two of you as well, if you want it to.

Gretchen

[Lorileah]

Gay men seldom marry women--they can't stand the drama. " More than half the gay men I know were married to women. Many have children from that marriage. In the 40's through 80's it was common for gay men to marry women as what they call "beards". They may not want to sleep with women, but they marry frequently
( the competition scares her.) I doubt she thinks it is competition.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Judy, I think it is far too early to be able to interpret what your wife is really saying.

My wife's reaction to when I first talked to her about wanting to dress again was extreme. She threatened suicide - she couldn't live with me but couldn't live without me. Spend the next 36 hours in bed crying. Horrible time and I too felt so bad. Things settled down a little over time but I felt I was walking on egg shells.

Then she saw me with a pair of size 12 shoes and went into decline again although not to the extent of the first time. (Shoes seem to do it every time.)

I went to a psychologist after the first bad experience and her view was that (1) there was nothing wrong with me and (2) my wife has played her biggest card (threatening suicide) in an effort to stop me dressing. Her view was that she wouldn't go through with the threat.

There are some strong similarities here for you. Your wife is escalating the reasons why you should stop dressing. My position was that I couldn't stop. We fell into a DADT arrangement and I was very careful to keep my dressing hidden using a storage facility as my extra dressing room. Not perfect though - the shoes was one of two errors. Each time though was less traumatic than the one before.

Wind the clock forward 3+ years and she has never seen me dressed in person or photo. She knows where my clothes are and that I dress regularly. Two days ago, she was looking for some presents that had been stored and went through a wardrobe where some clothes are stored. No negative reaction.

I think the difference in her attitude is that she no longer fears the future. She has her husband. My life is compartmentalised, complex and very rewarding.

Hang in there - be true to yourself, don't make promises that you can't keep but understand the impact on your wife and deal sensitively with her.

[Meghan4now]

Judy,

We love you here and wish you the best, but this has been brewing a long time. According to your past posts, you have spent an incredible amount of time, effort and resources on crossdressing, and seem to relish the idea that you've "gotten away" with it. For years.

You may not like that Veronica has pointed out past posts to you, but she is right. It is time to face up to your reality, and own the results of your own choices. It very well may hurt. A lot. But times up.

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I could be wrong at this point but I thinks she's realizing I'm still the same guy she married.

My farther was so cool about life and gave me talks, ya sometimes very long talks but he was the nicest guy.

And even know I like dresses, I mean (Love Dresses) I think I'm a nice guy and I'm pretty sure we'll get past this.

Also I'm pretty sure she expects me to stop, completely. I know I can stop for awhile, for how long, time will tell.

I did PURGE at least half my STUFF, it felt good to let go of stuff I knew I'd never wear again, 56 dresses, 6 wigs.

I still kept the 1st wig I bought 40 years age as a memento.

I didn't purge the vintage girdles, you older girls know how hard they are to find, LOL

Tonight's plan is to get DRUNK, but be nice.

[DIANEF]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I could be wrong at this point but I thinks she's realizing I'm still the same guy she married.
Tonight's plan is to get DRUNK, but be nice.

Some progress?, lets hope so. I'll join you in that drink. Cheers from the other side of the pond!

[CostaRicaRachel]

Uh Oh

I would agree with others. Don't purge, hide it away somewhere.

I speak from experience, you can't just turn this off. If you try, it
will come back even more powerful.

I think maybe some of the things your wife said we just
out of anger, maybe she did not mean them. I hope
you can work it out.

Rach

[Teri Ray]

Sorry for your situation. I hope that you and your wife find time to have a discussion about your crossdressing. These conversations are never easy nor are they comfortable. Be honest with your wife and make sure her questions are answered. If your relationship has a good foundation you both should come to understand that as you previously stated that you are the same person as you were before your wife found the certain proof that you are a crossdresser. If you were a good person before she found out you still are a good person. Her new information did not change that.

Best wishes to you and your wife. Honesty and conversation is better than keeping your new issue under a cloud of assumptions.

[Joni T]

This is EXACTLY why one should be up front to his SO\spouse from the beginning. And yes, my wife knows about Joni. She's ok with it and encourages it when she thinks I need it.
Jon

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Tonight's plan is to get DRUNK, but be nice.

Going to compound a mistake with another mistake? Getting drunk isn't part of the solution.

Veronica

[Stephanie47]

Your wife said "Why would you dress up, you could never look good"

You looked pretty darn good for a 59 year old woman. Maybe if your wife saw your pictures, especially, your bridal gowns, she'd change her opinion. She may not like the cross dressing, but, hey..she'll have to admit you do look attractive. All plus size women should look like you do.

Anyway, try to iron this all out, but, don't thrown your identity away. You need to be yourself. My wife knows and is not supportive. I don't rub it in her face. My wardrobe is not to be seen. I do not shave my chest or modify my body. You and your wife need to acknowledge the elephant in the room. One thing that seems to not disappear is the vision a wife has of her husband in a dress, whether or not she has actually seen such a sight.

[Krisi]

Her brother is gay and she has gay friends soooooooo what has that got to do with guys wearing a dress or anything to do with you?
I am getting so tired of people here making homophobic comments about CDing when they should know better.

Most of us know better but I believe the general public associates crossdressing with being gay. When I told my wife about my "hobby", the first thing she asked was "Are you gay?" The second thing she asked was "Do you want to become a woman?". Reading many posts over the years here, it seems her reaction was pretty common among wives when first informed that their husbands were crossdressers.

- - - Updated - - -


Which is why I said to Judy, EIGHT months ago:

Judy has shown time again that she doesn't understand the need for that, she's been here a year and has learned diddly squat from our mistakes of the past. .................................................. .................

But you didn't feel bad enough to tell her directly when we TOLD you to do so EIGHT MONTHS AGO! No, you have to beat around the bush and be passive-aggressive and not deal with it directly like an adult. And now you're dealing with the fallout of NOT doing that.

Be direct, be honest. Tell her everything. What you do, how long you've been doing it, your feelings about it. Everything. Have a freaking adult conversation about it.

Veronica

It's not possible for strangers on the Internet to diagnose a problem with a marriage and "tell" someone how to fix it. First of all, we don't get the entire picture and second of all, we are not experts in the field and can only advise based on our own personal experiences.

Yes, it's best not to keep secrets or to lie to someone we love, but there's a strong fear that telling the person will have bad results. Nobody, especially strangers on the Internet can guarantee that a wife or SO will embrace the crossdressing or even tolerate it.

The best we can do is suggest what we think is the best action. Suggest. Not tell.

[Meghan4now]

Way to tell 'em! :rofl:

[Krisi]

Judy, a couple things:

1) People have advised you not to purge your things, but to hide them. Well, if you hide them and your wife asks and you tell her you got rid of them, that's another lie. You decide what to do but don't lie to her about it. She might find out.

2) It's virtually impossible to hide crossdressing from someone who lives in the same house as you and especially from a wife. Your chances of being caught are nearly 100% as you have found out. It's not "if" you will be caught, but "when" you will be caught.

Only you know what will work best for you, for your wife and for your marriage. Anything you read here should be taken as a suggestion. What works for one of us (or many of us) may not be the best advice for your individual situation.

Best of luck to you.

[Meghan4now]

Well said Krisi

[Teresa]

Stephanie,
While I agree with you about Judy's looks , I would think seeing her in a wedding gown isn't the best outfit, it may suggest she wishes to be married to a man !

If she feels being seen is the way to go I wouldn't go OTT . Somehow I don't think that is the solution, my wife says similar things but no way does she want proving wrong by seeing me.

[Judy-Somthing]

I would love to be completely opened and honest with her but the way she has said negative things about cross-dressing over the years.
When the Caitlyn Jenner thing was in the news my SO said "he's all messed up" and when I would try to say something positive about it I would get shot down.

I reminded her that she knew I cross-dressed with friends in my teens and that I started at 8 after my sister dressed me up.
She said she always thought that was just fooling around, not cross-dressing!

She also said it's creepy that I want to dress up, and if it doesn't stop she'll tell my son and he'll be crushed.

I feel at this point telling her I can't stop would be a big mistake. She says I'm ruining Christmas.

[Laurana]

Well you've lied to her for this long. You've only got two choices.

1: Continue to lie until you get caught again.

2: Tell the truth and accept whatever comes of it.

Your wife really is blameless in all this. You say she's made disparaging remarks in the past so you knew full well how she felt. She's been honest on how she feels about cross dressers and transgender people. That's her opinion. Whether you or anyone else think it's wrong doesn't mean much. You on the other hand have lied to her. It's time to man up and face the consequences of your actions.

Sounds harsh but it's the truth.

[Jenniferathome]

I would love to be completely opened and honest with her but ....

Judy, what exactly are you really hiding anymore? Maybe the words haven't been spoken, but she KNOWS you cross dressed as a kid, she KNOWS you own women's pumps, she KNOWS you have owned women's clothes before. Telling her out loud is just putting words to known events.

By the way, if she tells your son, in all likelihood, he'll give it a "Whatever." "Ruining Christmas" is just an excuse to not have a hard conversation.

In the end, your wife does not have to like your cross dressing, but pretending you are not a cross dresser is just lunacy for BOTH of you. Get it out in the open. Say it once and for all and let her decide if she wants to ask questions or not. But tell your story in full so she does not have to imagine anything.

[Judy-Somthing]

I wouldn't say she's blameless, she knew I was doing it up to the point we got married and never said anything about stopping.
She saw me dressed with friends and it was no big deal.

[Becky Blue]

Judy my advice to you is to take some time out and work through your options as what to do. No one here can advise you on the correct path because no two dynamics are the same, we do not know you or your wife or your relationship. A lot of advice on forums in general are based on that persons personal experience. Take your time to think it through and then follow your path....all the best xx

[Ressie]

If you suspect your wife is a sociopath I wouldn't recommend telling the truth about CDing. Some women will use that against you, like telling everyone that you're sick because you dress in women's clothes. Truth isn't always the best policy.

[Judith96a]

She also said it's creepy that I want to dress up, and if it doesn't stop she'll tell my son and he'll be crushed.
Blackmail! This may sound drastic but... The next time she comes out with this one, simply ask her what's keeping her, tell her to get on with it, in fact tell her to give you the phone so that you can tell him yourself! I'm willing to be that when you call her bluff she'll backpedal like crazy.


She says I'm ruining Christmas.
This is just sheer, filthy manipulation. There is only one fitting response - call it out for what it is. Tell her that's what it is and that you won't tolerate it!

[Stephanie47]

Stephanie,
While I agree with you about Judy's looks , I would think seeing her in a wedding gown isn't the best outfit, it may suggest she wishes to be married to a man !


If I were to make a wager I'm pretty sure no matter what outfit/dress Judy wears, Judy's wife is going to believe whatever she wants to believe. Maybe an outfit that is OTT is the way to go and work backwards. Is Judy suppose to show his feminine side attired in a pair of women's jeans, flat shoes and a women's top or the wedding dress and heels? A person who chooses to not be educated will remain ignorant.

[Krisi]

If you suspect your wife is a sociopath....................

You are a Psychiatrist? I don't think even a real psychiatrist would attempt to diagnose a person based on another person's description of her behavior as posted on the Internet.

Attempting to place blame on the Judy's wife or calling her names isn't going to help anything here.

What we have here is simply a woman who doesn't like her husband wearing women's clothes, especially with a child in the family. That's not at all uncommon. She is trying to get him to stop the best way she knows how. Again, this is not uncommon.

Our task here is to try to help Judy to find a way to be able to continue dressing without ending the marriage. A way for her to convince her wife that crossdressing is not a crime, is not evil and is not a mental illness.

Again, blaming the wife will not solve anything.

- - - Updated - - -


..................... A person who chooses to not be educated will remain ignorant.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: If you try to "educate" someone who doesn't agree with you, you are not educating them, you are simply arguing with them.

[Karen RHT]

You're correct to say blaming the wife won't solve anything Krisi, but I believe most of us are simply pointing out that Judy's wife is manipulating, irrational, and over playing the guilt card. Judy isn't trying to ruin anyone's Christmas, her wife threatening to tell their son about Judy certainly could.


Karen

[Ressie]

Krisi, I have studied psychology and the fact is, most people have some kind of personality disorder. Read my post again and stop misinterpreting. Nobody blamed Judy's wife for anything and I didn't call her names either. But if you think that there's a lack of vindictive women out there, you're living in a dream world.

[BrittanyB]

Judy, what exactly are you really hiding anymore? Maybe the words haven't been spoken, but she KNOWS you cross dressed as a kid, she KNOWS you own women's pumps, she KNOWS you have owned women's clothes before. Telling her out loud is just putting words to known events.

By the way, if she tells your son, in all likelihood, he'll give it a "Whatever." "Ruining Christmas" is just an excuse to not have a hard conversation.

In the end, your wife does not have to like your cross dressing, but pretending you are not a cross dresser is just lunacy for BOTH of you. Get it out in the open. Say it once and for all and let her decide if she wants to ask questions or not. But tell your story in full so she does not have to imagine anything.

Judy, I think Jennifer's advice is so true. Having an honest talk about this, your story, is the best way to get this resolved in some way. If you opt for letting it simmer and brew, her imagination and anger will only grow.

I can't say I was enlightened and told my wife...she discovered my things. However, after several challenging weeks, I truly wished I would have told her much much earlier. The most important takeaway I have from my experience is that when you are fully honest and vulnerable with your spouse, their ability to show compassion and maybe a bit of tolerance goes up a great deal. Understanding *may* come later, but first you need to have this talk. Good luck, Judy!

[Krisi]

Krisi, I have studied psychology and the fact is, most people have some kind of personality disorder. Read my post again and stop misinterpreting. Nobody blamed Judy's wife for anything and I didn't call her names either. But if you think that there's a lack of vindictive women out there, you're living in a dream world.

So you say studying psychology qualifies you to diagnose someone based on second hand information on the Internet? I really don't think so.

As for most people having a personality disorder, well I suspect liking to wear women's clothes, fake breasts and hips and wigs would qualify.

[Stephanie47]

So Judy is 59. I am assuming Judy's son is an adult. He'll be crushed so Judy's wife says. If he is an adult he can make his own decisions and choices. There is an element of blackmail arising. Many decades ago my wife said the same thing to me out of frustration. She told me she would divorce me and tell everyone. Later, she apologized and said she would not divulge our secret. We drifted into DADT. Judy's wife is probably frustrated at a bare minimum to find out her husband wears women's clothing. She is probably under the misguided belief that cross dressing is a personal choice and can be beaten out of Judy with blackmail. Frankly, in the end these relations are not worth a damn. It comes down to mental spousal abuse. All it will come down to is the wife parading around a man on her arm for the world to see. "Look, I'm married! See my guy on my arm!"

So, what would happen if Judy's wife 'outed' her to others? Will she get the sympathy vote from their son? Or will the son hate mom for destroying Judy's standing in the community? Will the community shun Judy and thus also affect her standing in the community. "We're not inviting that woman who is married to a cross dresser!"

Yes, Krisi, the advice given on this forum is worth exactly what you pay for it. Although I will agree most of us have sufficient life experience to recognize a 'vindictive' person when we see one. Maybe, the answer is to brand cross dressing a personality disorder. Then, maybe there would be an annual telethon to mold us into 'manly men.'

[Ressie]

Krisi, I didn't diagnose anyone. IF was the word I used "if you suspect…." You might wanna stop and think before posting.

[StephanieM]

That's one thing I hate, people assuming we're gay just because we like to dress up. I have nothing against gay people if that's your thing then "so what?" it does suck to be thought of as something you're not though.

My first wife caught me and wrote on my clothes and other things I owned. I realize it's wrong for us to hide this, but most of us are trained to think if we are to have a heterosexual relationship we must hide it. Lucky for me for current wife puts up with the fact that Stephanie is part of me. I'm really sorry you got caught and now have to deal with the fallout I've been there done it and burned the t-shirt.

[Leslie Mary S]

She needs her eyes/brain re calibrated. you look awesome.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Although I will agree most of us have sufficient life experience to recognize a 'vindictive' person when we see one.
We often are in agreement Stephanie but, on this one, there is an alternative to Judy's wife being vindictive. My wife made a number of threats (see post #72 above) when I told her my crossdressing needs/wants returned after 3+ years. She could be called 'manipulative', maybe 'vindictive' but really all she was was fraught, scared, ignorant and shattered. Her threats were about raising the stakes to make me want to understand the effect on her and to abandon my wanting to CD. It took me a few months but I understood the depth of her anguish.

Since my original discussion now 4 years ago, I have maintained an honesty about not stopping dressing. The passage of time has been a major healer. She still doesn't understand the 'why' but she accepts that I CD. Just doesn't want to participate or even see me.

Explaining actions as vindictive limits our understanding and response to the underlying fears of our SOs.