Why are we so hard on ourselves?

[Kandi Robbins]

Look, I already know the answer to the question, having been very hard on myself for a lifetime (literally).

I know the societal issues underlying my question.

I know that it strikes at the core of who we are, that is brings doubt into relationships.

I know, I know, I know, but really, why?

I can only speak from personal experience, but once I embraced who I am, once I determined to make the best of it, once I did it and began to experience positive feedback, I became a much, much better person. I was always a decent person (I hope), but know am so much more accepting, loving, understanding, giving. Being a crossdresser has made me proud of myself for the first time in my life (and I have accomplished a few things otherwise). Really proud. But I am no different than many of us, it still remains a secret to most in my life.

So why is it that we are so hard on ourselves?

This is probably a rhetorical question, but if WE are hard on ourselves, how can we expect others not to be?

Just thinking outloud.............

[Aunt Kelly]

Look, I already know the answer to the question, having been very hard on myself for a lifetime (literally).

I know the societal issues underlying my question.

I believe that that's your answer. It is not we who are hard on ourselves, at least not once we've unlearned the notions that society instills in most of us for our entire lives. In other words we just don't know any better... until we do.

[Lana Mae]

Kandi, I firmly believe tat as you said it is a societal issue! It is changeable, but it takes time. Look it was not long ago that pink was for boys and blue was for girls. That has reversed and maybe if the "normals" get more informed and mingle with us the societal attitude may change, but as I said it will take time! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[Jaylyn]

My wife has said that since I've been CD I have been a nicer person. Ummm maybe this does change attitudes also.

[TrishaTX]

I have always tried to be perfect and self evaluate way too much , as a guy and gal. I think it is because of the shame, that I want to be perfect in everything else...

[Allisa]

Kandi, I'm trying to understand what you mean by hard on ourselves. Are you talking denial of our true selves? choosing to live in the closet and beating ourselves up for being so embarrassed or afraid of what others think? If by accepting and expressing ourselves means freedom to grow than the more we are seen the faster "society" will hopefully change and many can throw off the shackles of that "macho" image and grow as a peoples. I believe we (CDers and such) have a niche to fill in society and we have so much to bring to the table. Now you've got me thinking too much for a Sunday evening. To answer your question...I don't know.

[Kandi Robbins]

Lisa, You made me smile! I go out on the weekend, come back and read many of the threads here and it gets me thinking. I guess I am talking about the shame some of us place on ourselves. Again, I know the answer to my very broad question, I just wish it weren't so. Too much time on my hands, overthinking it, I guess.

[Tracii G]

I have no problem being who I am around anyone.
Friend or stranger makes no difference.
I never worry about if my look is perfect because no woman ever sees her look as perfect.
Never worry about what others think or how they perceive me. I am me and that is it I can't be something I'm not.

[Meghan4now]

Because if you tell someone that they are worthless long enough, they start to believe it? That's my guess.

[Rogina B]

Like Tracii..

[Stephanie Voorhees]

Because if you tell someone that they are worthless long enough, they start to believe it? That's my guess.

I think you hit the nail right on the head with your answer.

[redtea]

Everyone has a personal narrative that is created from all the things we learn as we grow up. Some of us get narratives that tell us that we are "normal" even though in reality nobody is as normal as we think they are. That coworker who looks like family man, average guy fun to be around could be into bondage and masochism. That girl who looks like she's living a normal quiet life who goes to college to pursue a happy life, could be the complete opposite and your narrative will never know.

The personal narrative is like your perception and how you think you are in the world. Even though I know and have proven my own narrative to be way off, You can't simply break psychology with an hour of thinking logically, After all our brains are made to change slowly after enough moments yield true. You may go out dressed for the first time, but it will take a dozen times for your brain to create the narrative that "the world is safe and accepting of your CDing".

It's extremely hard to overpower your psychology with logic, were only human.


I don't ever get hard on myself for CDing, But i do pretend that it doesn't happen due to my narrative. I feel like that narrative is me, The narrative with all it's morals, virtues, how people perceive you, how you perceive people. It can get really frustrating feeling like I am living under someone elses narrative. Btw if you haven't noticed, i'm using the word narrative a lot. It's not a buzzword and i am not liberal. I just feel like if we were all puppets on a stage of life, the narrative is the script we memorized. Learning a new narrative would be scary, we don't know what to expect or if we will be happier or if we will get the old script back if it doesn't work out.

[Tracii G]

Narrative is a buzz word and you just proved it redtea.
The notion of being "puppets on the stage of life" is pretty common for people your age.
No need to try to get all lofty and poetic or try to sound philosophical its best to just be yourself.

[Rachael Leigh]

I think for some it comes down to upbringing, we are taught as boys that we must grow up to be strong macho men, but
when we realize usually at a young age we are different we start to think there must be something wrong with me and we
aren't worthy. It's definitely my story but like you Kandi now that I've accepted myself I am becoming a better person but
it's still a work in progress and my biggest challenge is my relationship with my wife .

[suzanne]

Our biggest obstacle is the macho crap we were taught while growing up, and the struggle to see it as just that and toss it out. After that comes the fear that the next person you meet is still holding onto the macho crap and wants to make you pay for your transgression.

Fortunately, these are more imagined than real, and a small amount of experience can build ones confidence, but its still a leap of faith

[GBJoker]

I'm not sure I understand the question. I don't know if I've been "hard on myself" about being a TG. But I've definitely been "hard on myself" on a variety of other aspects of life.

[Krisi]

Being hard on yourself is a way to improve yourself. Not being satisfied with a "C" when you could have worked harder and gotten an "A".

Being hard on yourself is a good thing.

[sometimes_miss]

It's all about self control. It's because we think we should have the will power to resist the urge to crossdress, that it's unmanly to 'give in' to the desire. So there's the concept of being weak, unable to be, what was the phrase from Seinfeld? 'The master of our own domain'. We grow up being told that to be a man, is to be strong. Then any sign of weakness is, failure.

[Ally 2112]

I always figured everyone else was going to be hard on me if they knew which made me very hard on myself .