One small step on a route to acceptance

[char GG]

Don't lie or let your CD friends lie to your spouse. Don't assume your spouse is a fool and doesn't know what's going on. I've seen this with the CDers I know and, of course, there are posts about lying on this forum. Obviously there is more to acceptance than just one thing - but it's a biggie!

[GretchenM]

Char,

You are quite right. In my experience, CD'rs tend to be secretive. Problem is GG's are really good at detecting such behaviors, but tend to be reluctant to say anything, especially to a mate or someone they know quite well. If asked, it is not good to lie because if asked it is a pretty good bet you have been figured out. I like to carry a small Swiss Army brand shoulder bag and have a women's wallet. Nobody says anything because a lot of men have found that purses/bags are a great idea and far better than filling your pockets. But with more traditional people it is interpreted as a clue to something a bit deeper. Recently, an aunt referred to my bag as a purse. I looked at her and mentioned that I use it because it is more efficient and women's wallets make a lot more sense than men's. She gave me that look that she always gives me when she knows I am not quite telling the truth. She said, "Right!? Do you have any dresses?" I knew she had figured it out; I said, "Not yet." She said, "Thanks for being honest." She is in her 80's; I'm in early 70's. She mentioned that she doesn't agree with that kind of behavior, but she understands that the world is changing and she is a dinosaur. In short, being honest goes a long ways to smoothing things over, even when the other person doesn't approve. It is a matter of trust and if the trust is damaged it is hard to rebuild that. So, just be honest. When I came out after 43 years of marriage it was rough on my wife, on me, on our marriage. I should have told her long ago. Things are good now, but it took a couple of years to rebuild solid trust. So, for male's with any kind of gender variance that results in outward gender expression, set aside your male tendency to regulate and manage with firmness and just admit that you sometimes like to be a girl. It may be hard for a few days, but in the end it will be much, much easier on everyone, especially you.

Gretchen

[Meghan4now]

Char, of course you are right, one should not lie to one's spouse, either way. It IS difficult to avoid sometimes because people naturally want to avoid conflict.

I suspect that something spurred this statement, however. What's going on? Is there something you would like to discuss, or get off your chest?

[Teresa]

Char,
I really wish it was as easy as that !
I your partner doesn't want to know what choice do you have ? OK some aren't lies but more withholding the truth!
I don't treat my wife as a fool and I would not put a Cding friend in that position . If you are forced into living a double life certain things aren't going to be said and arrangements not always discussed .

I'm sorry to say this again Char but our partners aren't always straight with us, I always hope it's not a tit for tat situation but some actions do happen out of a touch of spite .
Please don't misunderstand me, I would prefer not to withhold things from her , I guess what we have is a workable truce .

[sometimes_miss]

Well, Char, I wouldn't refer to her as a fool like you assume, but she had no idea what was going on. until I accidently left a slip out, and then she didn't think I was a crossdresser, she thought I was having an affair.

I had about 10 seconds to decide whether to figure out a way to allow that to remain the reason, or tell the truth. I went with the truth, which turned out to be the wrong option. Turns out lots of marriages survive infidelity, but crossdressing, not so much. In therapy, she admitted that had she known, she never would have married me. We divorced shortly afterward. Didn't matter that she held back information about herself, too; as always, people reserve the right to deceive for themselves, but expect, even demand, total honesty from others.

So much for spouses knowing everything. It's so easy after the fact to think it's so easy to figure out, isn't it.