Worried About CDing for All the Wrong Reasons

[Christina D]

Ok, so, full disclosure time...one of the main reasons I joined this forum was to gauge how much crossdressing truly means to me. That is to say, do I actually care about making dressing a significant part of my life, or am I just going through a phase?

Yep, I'm going to stop myself right there. I know that the phrase "it's just a phase" is one of the most insensitive things to say to/about any LGBTQ person, but if I'm being honest, it's the most difficult question (and believe me, I have plenty) that I'm facing right now.

To clarify, I've only been seriously crossdressing for about 1 month. When I say "seriously," I mean actually making an attempt to pass and think of myself as anything other than a cisgender man (I'm thinking gender fluid?). I dressed in women's clothes/drag as a clear joke during Halloween twice, but only recently have I actually been putting effort into doing my makeup to legitimately feminize my face, dress in practical, tasteful women's clothes, and act as I genuinely feel in the moment of being dressed (as opposed to "acting" like a woman for comedic effect). Yes, yes, I know, I'm ashamed for having ever even thinking that crossdressing is a funny, outrageous stunt. That being said, even when I DID dress to be "funny" and "outrageous," I did, on a very significant though deeply repressed level, enjoy it beyond those reasons.

This brings me to my problem though. Now that I've been doing more soul-searching about my gender, I'm still finding myself questioning my intentions. Since growing up beyond my aforementioned juvenile experiences, I've become increasingly invested in LGBTQ issues. For example, I'm a teacher and have dedicated most of my extracurricular output to supporting the LGBTQ Center at my school. This, however terrible it might sound, brings me to my first "wrong intention;" do I only THINK I like crossdressing/am non-gender conforming BECAUSE I've dedicated so much time and effort into supporting and reading about LGBTQ issues? Am I experiencing some kind of Stockholm Syndrome to being a part of the LQBTQ community?

I recently began a topic on this forum that has garnered quite a bit of attention...some of which, I feel, isn't for the best of reasons. I'm referring to my "Influence of Girls Toys, Games, and Media" topic. Several replies to that topic (and even a couple private messages to my inbox) suggest that I'm trying too much to justify or find excuses for my crossdressing and that doing so is reflective of personal anxieties that I'm experiencing--that I should just embrace who I am rather than worrying too much about why I am who I am.

To be clear, I'm glad that others are questioning me on this; I'm not insulted or trying to sound indignant. If anything, those responses have gotten me thinking about this underlying issue even more. What I've been thinking about most these past few days relates back to my concern in THIS topic and my second "wrong reason." That is, am I trying to explain, rationalize, and justify my crossdressing BECAUSE I'm uncertain about it being "a phase?" If I truly am genderfluid, shouldn't I be less worried about wanting to explain it? If it's true, shouldn't it be easier for me to just accept it? Doth I protest too much?

I have other concerns about dressing for the wrong reasons too, like "Am I crossdressing just to be edgy/cool?"

Urgh, I feel like I'm digging myself into an even deeper hole at this point, so I'd better stop. I guess the best I can do is pose my concern as a question to you all: When you started crossdressing, did you worry about it being "just a phase?" And if so, how did you overcome those worries? How/when did you know this would be a lifelong, significant part of your life and identity?

[Pat]

What do you imagine this "phase" might be? What phase would make a cisgender male come up with an answer that involves putting on women's clothes? Personally, I don't think there is one. If you find this behavior appealing at all then there's something worth examining. If you feel better when you dress in women's clothes at any time or for any reason, there's something worth examining. So I'd suggest you rule out "phase" from the list of rationalizations. Nobody can tell you the why of you, only you can discover that, but there's something there that deserves your introspection.

[ronda]

I don't think any body crossdresses to be cool if it was the cool thing to do everybody would be doing it and my life would have been much easier I grew up dressing felt ashamed alone there was no internet to refer to I just knew I was different then most of the guy I knew and the more I resisted the more I wanted to do it your trying to justify dressing in womens clothes you don't have to do that just relax and enjoy it (if it feels right then its right if it feels good just do it ) have fun be you

[Christina D]

I don't think any body crossdresses to be cool if it was the cool thing to do everybody would be doing it

The reason I said this and why I'm worried about it is that there's definitely a stereotype about Millennials (which I am) that being non-gender conforming is cool and hip. People will often point to social media's (especially Tumblr) overflow with LGBTQ issues as evidence of the disingenuous fascination with being LGBTQ. In short, identifying as LGBTQ is an easy way to earn street-cred among hipsters and Millennials.

[Peggie Lee]

And sometimes people just overthink things , "it is what it is" can be hard for some to accept.

[Lana Mae]

Christina, I did not worry about it being a phase as I had worn panties at around 6 and in teen years, and again in my 30's and 40's. When I finally figured it all out I was 65! My answers are: 1. it is not a "phase" 2. no phase no worry 3. 65 Dressing is my feminine side being me as it is just a different aspect of the same person! I guess that answers your questions as best I can! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jenniferathome]

No one cross dresses to be cool or obtain some kind of street cred. You cross
dress because you are a cross dresser with one exception: you are trans and don't realize it yet.

[Nikki.]

I started crossdressing when I was 5, about 40 years ago. I have no idea how I felt about it, other than when my parents caught me and told me not to wear those clothes because they were my mom's. That didn't stop me, so then I felt ashamed and guilty when I continued to do so. Then as I got older I recognized society didn't approve. So I've had a lifetime to feel ashamed and embarrassed. Now I believe that the gender identity mapping of my brain somehow went askew, and I accept it is the way I shall be forever, and while weird, it doesn't make me a bad person, I'm fine and just gender variant.

I do it because I have an ingrained compelling need to express a part of my gender identity. I don't do it to be cool. I have no idea why anyone would really choose to be a crossdresser, but the more the merrier. Hopefully it will make it easier for everyone.

[Aunt Kelly]

Christina,

As others have communicated to you, you seem to be looking for a reason or an explanation for "why I am this way". I am no expert, but I have been at this long enough to hear enough completely different reasons and explanations to come to the conclusion that there is no universal reason or explanation. If that's what you are looking for, prepare to be disappointed. There are common threads, to be sure, but there is far more variation than commonality. Pursuing knowledge about yourself is a worthy pursuit. If you find that ah-ha moment, great, but again, most of us don't. So don't worry about it. Your happiness is all the validation you need. Keeping in mind that there may be impact on others, you'll want to keep their feelings in mind, of course, but in the end you must live with yourself first.
FWIW, I have had those same doubts, as I suspect most of us have. "Why am I like this? Where will it end? How much like a woman do I want to become?", etc. I have a pragmatic streak a mile wide, so being honest with myself is usually not that hard, and I was able to arrive at answers I could believe. I'm pretty sure that not all of us are so lucky, for reasons both internal and external. For that reason, counseling is often a good suggestion. Again, looking for answers there doesn't mean you're "broken". I just means that sometimes we lack the perspective or skills necessary to come up with those "believable" answers.
At any rate, you're very pretty and if being that way makes you feel good, why would you not be that way when you can?

Hugs,

Kelly

[Tracii G]

I think you need to ask yourself rather than us because maybe you need to hear it from yourself and not a stranger.
Being aware of LGBT issues is fine but I do think you do it out of guilt which is such a huge thing people have problems with these days.
White guilt, wealthy guilt etc.
Millennials for example seem to find reasons to feel guilty about things because they feel they are supposed to feel guilty about their lives.
EMO's used to be the same way.
They have been brought up in an era of immediate gratification and parents over sheltering them.
I for one think you need to stop over thinking things just lay back and go with the flow and let time help you figure out things.
Your age group is in such a damn rush about everything.

[Lori Kurtz]

Here's one girl's opinion: there is no wrong reason for crossdressing. Just do it, and enjoy it.

[Contessa]

I am actually no longer crossdressing. All the clothes I have are mine and they are the only clothes I have so no crossdressing. I would say to you figure out what wearing the other clothes does for you and compare that feeling to where you are with the feminine ones. If they both make you feel the same you are possibly a crossdresser if not maybe something more. I couldn't do the back and forth that made me realize what I had to do. If you are young maybe you should just crossdress and have children first and see what life could be without it the only problem are your feelings. I believe that you must be the master of your feelings. Crossdressing means you don't have to give a regular CIS life existence.

[Dana44]

I think of you are gender fluid, Yeah there a time that you will be male and then fem. NO need to explain to anybody because they do not understand about gender fluid people. I now that because I am gender fluid and yes you will be a girl maybe for some time. So don't over think it as you will find out about yourself over time.

[Christina D]

Millennials for example seem to find reasons to feel guilty about things because they feel they are supposed to feel guilty about their lives.

That is so true. I was also raised Catholic, so I know aaaaall about guilt.

In all seriousness, thank you all so much for the advice so far. I'm just glad no one thinks I'm a monster for having these thoughts (the doubts I'm having, not the desire to crossdress). This community is the best. :'-)

[immindy]

yep , I suspect that you are thinking to hard about this . The answer is that you are cross dressing because you like it . Now, the reason why you cross dress may take some time to figure out . But , for now, just enjoy :)

[Scarlett398]

No one cross dresses to be cool or obtain some kind of street cred. You cross
dress because you are a cross dresser with one exception: you are trans and don't realize it yet.

Well said, Jennifer!....Scarlett

[Vickie_CDTV]

Christina, everyone is different. It is hard to say why you dress, sure it could be a phase (very unlikely) but it is plausible, stranger things have happened. Regardless of where you go with it, just be careful, and go into it with both eyes open.

As for the world in general, I wouldn't rule out there are some (albeit very few) people out there who might claim to be trans* for victim points. There are some folks in this world who are troubled and highly suggestible. Tumblr is full of people like that (trans and otherwise) who scream "I am a special oppressed minority!" looking for victim points.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Christina,
I think what you're experiencing is just a phase, a phase of your crossdressing that is.
I, and many other I suspect, started out just wearing panties, nylons, or lingerie. For some
of us, that is still enough to satisfy our desires, and others move on to do more. Possibly trying
our hand at makeup, or buying a wig. Eventually buying our own clothes. You'll see a lot of us
buying those sexy little numbers that aren't really worn by many women our own age. (Guilty!)
We'll be happy wearing these outfits around the house, sharing pics online, all the while we are
learning more and more about our community, and how people do things. And then the day comes
that you find yourself thinking... Hell! Now I want to go out in public, I need to blend. At that point
You really start honing those makeup skills, put together some "blendy" outfits, and eventually find
yourself at the mall.
This whole thing is a series of "phases", the questioning and doubt is part of it too.
If you get any amount of satisfaction purely for your own gratification, you're doing it for the right reason.
How cool is that!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Scarlett398]

That's right, Lori..Just do it because it's enjoyable, fun, sensual, sexy, and exciting. Even relaxing. Enjoy every minute of it and don't ever feel guilty about cross dressing. I used to feel guilty but not anymore. It's just a huge part of my being now and I accept it and have lots of fun with it!

- - - Updated - - -

Hell, that's a really cool post that sums all phases up in short order...Great job! I wish my wife were out of town more than once or twice a year...I would go out more often!

- - - Updated - - -

I really enjoy this forum as well. I can't talk about this cross dressing I do with my wife or any of my friends or relatives. They just wouldn't understand it. For the first time in my life I'm about to take photos of me dressed up into a place like Sallie's Beauty Supply or Sephora and show a few girls who don't know me some of my photos and get some honest feedback from them. I can't to this with the folks mentioned above. I still haven't figured out how to post photos on this site. My photos are all too large and won't post on this site. My technology skills are highly inept! I would love to post them and get feedback from the folks on this forum...Scarlett

[immindy]

0 , And BTW you do look awesome :)

[Becky Blue]

Christina firstly you look awesome. Secondly you are still young and how you feel today may differ next week, month or year and will most likely be very different in the future as it is quite common for the sorts of feelings you are having to intensify in later life.

As regards you concerns, I don't think a traditional male of any age dresses as a woman other than perhaps for a dressup party unless there they are somewhere on the gender continuum and you have nothing to feel guilty about, what you are doing is hurting no one.

[raeleen]

Wow, Christina. Just came across this thread, and this has been something I've been trying to dig into for myself as well over the last couple of years. I wish we'd met while I was in still in Chicago! I find this stuff is easiest to sort out over a couple of drinks. :)

I've really been trying to understand what exactly my dressing means, and as I've dug into that, it's been an amazing (and very cathartic) process of unpacking who I am and how my gender identity helps shape me. One of the things that's really helped has been going to therapy. Being able to work with someone to push through the shame and guilt I felt growing up, understanding my needs and wants, and figuring out where to look to for support and how to stop rationalize/push away/beat myself up over the dressing has been really productive. If you're up for it, I would totally suggest therapy. During the process I've really come to peace with the fact that this isn't a phase, it never was, and that it's not just about the clothes, but really who I am. I identify as bigender/gender fluid with a strong femme side, and I'm happy with that.

I also think finding others like you in the area to build support and have as a sounding board would be great. Have you checked out any of the groups as Howard Brown or the Center on Halsted? I know they have support groups and programs that might be useful.

Or maybe you're not really looking for advice and just need to hear that it's all ok. I think lots of the feedback from folks on the thread sounds good and that whatever you draw from it will hopefully be helpful. Whatever the case, you are ok, there's nothing wrong with all your questioning and thinking, and I think it'd be weird if you weren't asking questions!

And finally, I'm just sending a big hug to say good luck with the process. I'm hear if you need a shoulder. :)

Best,
Raeleen

PS - and as others have said, you look awesome, girl!

[IamWren]

No one cross dresses to be cool or obtain some kind of street cred. You cross
dress because you are a cross dresser with one exception: you are trans and don't realize it yet.


Well said, Jennifer!....Scarlett

I couldn't disagree more.
No matter the generation there are those that blatantly show their nonconformity in an effort to show how hip, cool, cutting edge (insert your favorite word or phrase that is the equivalent) they are.

In the mid and late 80s we were wearing mascara, donning club-kid attire, listening to The Cure, Yaz and New Order and going to the new wave club.

In the 70s it was Ziggy Stardust, The Clash and LSD.

In the 60s it was long hair, marijuana and the Beatles.

This generation's vehicle for nonconformity is LGBTQ issues from supporting and being allies to full on gender bending.

You're wrong. The only reason boys wear girls' clothes is not as black and white and simple as being a crossdresser or TS in denial.

[DarthDaddicus]

I only recently began cross-dressing because my wife and I didn't really know why I was the way I was in many aspects of my life and through the multitude of decisions I've made. Now that I've accepted what I am, a lady, it is much easier to identify what my expressive issues are with others and why I don't understand men at all. Now that I realize I am a woman, however, I feel I don't need to wear the clothes anymore to bring that aspect of myself out in the open. She'll always be me regardless of what clothes I wear. That doesn't mean I don't like the attention I get when I look pretty. I sure do! I also am amazed at how much I can possibly look at myself when I'm dressed as a woman. Before, I could only stand about five minutes in front of the mirror getting ready. Now that I see her in the mirror behind my eyes, I am able to appreciate myself more. I'm not sure if I answered your question though. This is now a life-long part of who I am. Dressing, however, is insignificant.

[Tracii G]

Don't let your CDing define who you are Christina you are still the same person just a different side of that person.
You don't have to give up one side for the other.

[Jackiefl]

Think long think wrong just enjoy. I don't remember where i heard it i just thought i'd pass it on.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I've never known life without the desire to dress up and look and feel feminine. It was not until me late twenties that I finally got of that rollercqoster thinking it was a phase. Although life would be so less uncomplicated without all this I can not imagine being any other way. So it's not a phase unless you want to call this life a phase among many lives that we live through out time. I hope that in the next life I can finally return to being my dominantly female self. Simply enjoy the incredibly complex and wonderful person you are.

[Amy Fakley]

Echoing what Stephanie said, I too cannot really remember a time in my life where I didn't struggle with the disconnect of who I innately felt myself to be, and who everyone else so clearly thought I should be.

It's truthfully hard for me to imagine what it would be like to "try crossdressing" for any other reason than to satisfy the hidden and pent up femininity that has always been inside me. Like I literally cannot imagine trying it, to impress others or to fulfil some sort of intellectual obligation to a cause.

There have been many "phases" I've gone through in my life. Some of them regrettable in hindsight, but that's life. The way we learn is by making mistakes, and sometimes that's also the way we learn who we are, but for me ... through every phase I've gone through, there have been a few constant, immutable threads. Having a girl-mode has always been one of them. Being a musician is another. I firmly believe both of these are simply hard wired into my brain, and there is no escaping them, no matter what "phase" I find myself going through.

My advice is to forget the generational politics bs. "Millennials" are not any particular way. Just like my own "generation x" was not any particular way. These are generalizations, slapped together by folks who want to manipulate large groups of people ... politicians and marketers. They don't know crap about you, and they don't want to ... they want to manipulate groups of people because manipulating individuals would be impossible. Every generation is made up of individuals. You are an individual, and only you can know what is a core aspect of your identity and what is a "phase" :-)

I leave you with this awesome comic I found on the internet yesterday

270358

[Krisi]

I am actually no longer crossdressing. All the clothes I have are mine and they are the only clothes I have so no crossdressing. .............

Are you trying to confuse others or are you confused yourself?

If you are a male but wear women's clothes, you are a crossdresser. That's the definition of a crossdresser.

[donnalee]

Christina, although I sympathize with your quandary, I really must object to your using Stockholm Syndrome as one possibility for it.
Stockholm Syndrome is where someone kidnapped and/or held hostage and in fear of their life starts to sympathize with their captors and enlists themselves in their cause, no matter how absurd it may be; a good example would be Patty Hearst, who not only did this but participated in at least 1 bank robbery with her captors.
Have the LGBT groups held you hostage? If not, your use of this term is not only incorrect, but insulting to those groups; as an educator, you should know better.

[Christina D]

Christina, although I sympathize with your quandary, I really must object to your using Stockholm Syndrome as one possibility for it.
Stockholm Syndrome is where someone kidnapped and/or held hostage and in fear of their life starts to sympathize with their captors and enlists themselves in their cause, no matter how absurd it may be; a good example would be Patty Hearst, who not only did this but participated in at least 1 bank robbery with her captors.
Have the LGBT groups held you hostage? If not, your use of this term is not only incorrect, but insulting to those groups; as an educator, you should know better.

I'll admit that wasn't the most appropriate use of the term. No, of course I don't view the LGBTQ community or the groups I support as holding me hostage. I merely used the term to convey my own insecurities that perhaps because I spend so much time interacting with the LGBTQ community that I'm begining to identify as an LGBTQ person myself as a result of those affiliations. I used the term Stockholm Syndrome purely to convey the idea of relating to and identifying with someone else because of repeated exposure.

You're right though, I shouldn't have said that and I'm sorry if I offended anyone. Even as I reread my last paragraph, I can easily see how inappropriate the analogy was. Comparing it to Stockholm Syndrome, even in the way I meant it, makes it sound like I'm blaming the LGBTQ community for "making" be a crossdresser/non-gender conforming, which of course I do not think is true.

But again, this is the root of my problems right now. For whatever reason, I keep trying to justify my crossdressing and gender identity because it's so new to me that I feel compelled to convince myself that I actually HAVE been the person longer than I realize. I feel like I need to prove to myself that I've always been genderfluid but have only recently realized it so that I don't feel like a phony or "going through a phase."

As many have suggested, I am looking into finding a gender therapist. This is the worst time to be doing so, of course, because of little free time during the holiday season, but I'm making it my top priority for the new year.

[Abbey11]

Hi Christina, how do you actually feel when your dressed, more relaxed, does it give you a buzz. You say you dressed as a women for Halloween why did you choose to dress as a women in the 1st place?

[~Joanne~]

I didn't find anything offensive in your post. You have questions, you seek answers, You are trying to understand all of this and trying to convey exactly what you are feeling, or what your concerns are, and finding the right words to do so can be quite the task under normal circumstances, in a normal conversation, let alone something as confusing as this and it can really be confusing at times. I hope you find the answers that you seek but for a lot of us, they will never come.

This I totally disagree with in spades:


You cross
dress because you are a cross dresser with one exception: you are trans and don't realize it yet.

There is nothing to prove that cross dressing leads to transitioning. I have CD for many years and have NEVER felt like I was on the road to transitioning. I enjoy the clothing and the look, I don't have an "inner girl" trying to get out. I think these kinds of comments do more damage than they do good especially for new sister's who are trying to figure out why they do this or discover what this all means to them. CDing doesn't always lead to transitioning and scaring people into thinking it does is far from helpful.

[Helen_Highwater]

Christina,

Mmm, phase is not perhaps the way I would put it. It's quite possible that your dressing will lessen over time, even stop for a while. It may slowly re-emerge or just come back with a bang. I have known someone who was heading headlong towards transitioning having only dressed for a matter of months only to stop completely for over a year now. You could just as easily sit at the level you are now.

The reason you've gone from having only dressed before for shall be say dramatic effect to being full on could be that the desire was always there, you just didn't realise it or alternatively didn't wish to acknowledge it.

Whatever the reason don't as others have said, over analyse it. If you'd taken up a sport would you be seeking the opinion of others as to why you went out to take part 2-3 times a week? You'd be satisfied that you did it because you enjoyed it. And will you enjoy your crossdressing to a lesser or greater extent if by some miracle you find what pretty well everyone else here has searched for and drawn a blank?

One other thing I will say is given you've only been dressing for such a short length of time perhaps the thing you need to do is give it more time and simply see where it takes you. With time comes experience and a better understanding.

[Jenniferathome]

...

This I totally disagree with in spades:



There is nothing to prove that cross dressing leads to transitioning. I have CD for many years and have NEVER felt like I was on the road to transitioning. I enjoy the clothing and the look, I don't have an "inner girl" trying to get out. I think these kinds of comments do more damage than they do good especially for new sister's who are trying to figure out why they do this or discover what this all means to them. CDing doesn't always lead to transitioning and scaring people into thinking it does is far from helpful.

...and I never hinted nor implied that was the case. In fact, what I wrote expressly states that! Allow me to be even more clear for you: Cross dressing DOES NOT lead to transition. What I wrote and as is widely noted on this forum, those that are transsexual often cross dress hoping that is the answer. And when they realize they are not cross dressers, they move on.

[Tracii G]

I get so tired of the term" living a lie or being a phony".
I usually see it in CDers that are new or have not quite figured out or come to grips with who they are and where they fit along the gender spectrum.
You do fit the bill in that regard Christina because you personally a hot mess right now which is evident by your previous posts.
You seem hell bent of placing a reason for everything or one thing to explain it all which you may never know.
I know some go down that proverbial "rabbit hole" only to return more messed up than they were before.
Just accept that you like to dress up and enjoy your feminine side let all the other stuff work its self out in time.
It took me a while but one day I slapped myself and said "just be yourself whatever that is and live life and forget about why".

[Sheren Kelly]

am I trying to explain, rationalize, and justify my crossdressing BECAUSE I'm uncertain about it being "a phase?" If I truly am genderfluid, shouldn't I be less worried about wanting to explain it? If it's true, shouldn't it be easier for me to just accept it? Doth I protest too much?

You are exploring new territory within yourself. My experience is that just when I think I have figured this all out, I discover a newer dimension that I have to explore, so don't expect a definitive answer to your questions.
Look upon this as an adventure in self discovery. You may find your path after making a few wrong turns, but love yourself for trying.

[Pat]

But again, this is the root of my problems right now. For whatever reason, I keep trying to justify my crossdressing and gender identity because it's so new to me that I feel compelled to convince myself that I actually HAVE been the person longer than I realize. I feel like I need to prove to myself that I've always been genderfluid but have only recently realized it so that I don't feel like a phony or "going through a phase."

I think you're in analysis paralysis. Just relax. Don't worry if you're a real crossdresser or a fake crossdresser -- just do it when it makes you happy. I'm betting if there's no basis for it, it will wear thin pretty quickly. There are no International Crossdresser Standards you have to meet; no licensing exam; no duties and responsibilities. Do it if you want to do it, don't do it if you don't. And if, after a while, you find you're still doing it -- hey, you're a crossdresser. ;)

[Teri Ray]

If there are no International Crossdresser Standards or no licensing exam then who collected my fees and sent me my license to crossdress ??? (by the way I passed the exam with 82%) Now I am confused.

I agree with others who have suggested that you may be overthinking this question. Although I have tried many many times I have never discovered nor heard from others a logical cause for this desire. Seems to me that if you desire to explore dressing you will and you will end up liking it or you don't. Trying to figure out why is like asking yourself why you like chocolate tor steak.

[TrishaLake]

I actually think it is a good thing that you are looking into this and exploring. Too often I felt like I did not and until i dug deep , made some decisions and accepted where and who I am , did I become comfortable with me. In the past I thought I might transition, be gay, a freak (sorry) or just weird, none of which applied. Today I am happy with the 60/40 male female I am , at least for the time being. Everyone is different on the spectrum , you need to find your place.

[GretchenM]

Christina,

I don't see much to add that others haven't already said, except my own experience and what I learned after I came out in 2012. My backstory is a lot like others, but being a research and theoretical scientist I am trained to seek the why in most everything from toothpicks to the nature of the Universe. I spent much of 2013 researching. I read loads of peer reviewed journals, went back and traced the history of trying to find out what causes this behavior, examined statistical analyses until my eyes were ready to fall out. I read theses and dissertations, talked to specialists. All the while searching for the why in me. What it all came down to is that nobody really knows why some people are gender reversed to various degrees. It ranges from crossdressers that generally still identify with their native sex and its typical gender behaviors but prefer to wear clothes of the opposite sex and traditional, stereotypical gender, to the gender fluids of a million varieties and all the others leading up to the transmen and transwomen. One can find evidence for explanations ranging from genetics to trauma reactions to all kinds of childhood experiences to most anything you can dream up. I think the best conclusion at this point is that this behavior is caused by all kinds of different things and so long as it doesn't do harm to others it should be accepted by others as well as those who are "afflicted with this strange malady." In a word, it is who you are and the reason you are this way is probably not even identifiable. So, what comes out of it? Pretty much what everybody else has said. You probably cannot explain it and you have no real need to justify it either. Enjoy it to the extent that you are able. In some cultures it is considered a very special gift that most never, ever experience. In others it is more of a curse. We are very complex creatures and we all see and experience the world a little differently. That is an asset that humans should cherish and celebrate. Be honest, be open, be fair, be compassionate, and enjoy the special journey you are on. It is different for sure; but it apparently is also just human. I finally came to realize that both cisgender people and the many varieties of transgender people really have no idea whatsoever what it is like to be a member of the other group. We can't see the world through the eyes and minds of others and if you happen to be a little or a lot gender variant then own it and live it in the way that makes you most comfortable, most happy, and most real. You may have to do some compromising once in awhile, but the others will have to do that as well. Nothing wrong with that. But it is most unhealthy to hide yourself from everyone. Embrace you but be considerate of others as well. And by the way, you look really great.

Gretchen

[Christina D]

Hi Christina, how do you actually feel when your dressed, more relaxed, does it give you a buzz. You say you dressed as a women for Halloween why did you choose to dress as a women in the 1st place?

Well, my two Halloween experiences were actually pretty different.

The first time was when I was a 19 year-old freshman at a huge state school. I was at my most masculine at this point in my life, deliberately making an effort to drink as much alcohol as possible, fit in with frat boys, and objectify women as much as I could. Halloween came around and of course there were parties to go to, and one of my male friends (one of the frat boys) suggested that I go "as a sl*t." So I borrowed the msot mismatched, skin revealing combination of clothes I could get from various girls on my dormitory floor, bought the gaudiest, cheapest makeup from Walgreens, and a cheap blonde wog from a Halloween story. Me and the guys did out best to figure out what to do with this makeup and of course the results were terrible. I looked nothing like a GG, but that wasn't the point. I don't remember liking the experience in any genuine way (liking how the clothes fit, wearing makeup, etc), though I did kind of like feeling the night air on my exposed (unshaven) legs.

My second Halloween was much more toned down. It was two years ago and I went dressed as Tina Belcher, a character from an animated TV show called "Bob's Burgers." There was no alterior "hidden" motive in wanting to dress as a female character. I'm a huge fan of the show and thought it would be a pretty easy costume to pull off. For those who aren't familiar with the show, Tina is a tween aged, awkward girl with a very flat, monotone voice; in fact, she is voiced by a male voice actor who doesn't really try to sound like a girl. Anyway, she wears a pretty basic outfit consisting of Chuck Taylor Hightops, tube socks, a knee-length blue skirt, a plain blue t-shirt, and a yellow barrette. Her hair already looks like mine and wears thick, black framed glasses just like mine and she doesn't wear makeup, so I didn't need to worry about that. It looked great, though just before we left for the party we were going to, I said to my girlfriend, "Hey...could I borrow one of your bras and stuff it?" she just stared at me for a few seconds and then stammered out "I...I guess so?" She reluctantly help me put on one on and stuff it, and while I didn't expect it to, when I saw myself in the mirror wearing a skirt and having breasts, my heart stopped for a minute as I took in how I looked. Even though I wad supposed to be this awkward tween girl, I thought I looked kind of pretty. Or at least I felt a little pretty.

That experience, jokey though it may be, was the first time that I considered the difference between feeling pretty as a woman than feeling handsome as a man. To your first question, Abbey, that's how I feel when dressed and what I like about it: feeling pretty.

When it comes to dressing in drab (which I do for work and whenever I'm with my girlfriend, family, and friends), I don't really care much about how I look. Of course I have good hygiene and I don't go to work in sweatpants and a ragged t-shirt, but I don't put any extra effort into looking handsome. I don't hate wearing men's clothes, but I don't find anything interesting about them. Men's clothes are purely functional objects to me. I'm just that typical guy who gets up 15 minutes before having to leave for work, brushes his teeth, puts on deodorant, grabs whatever button-up shirt is on top of my dresser drawer, does the same with pants and heads out.

Now when it comes to getting dressed as Christina...that's a whole other story. I don't mind taking a hour to get my makeup juuuust right. In fact, I love it! And the clothing options, my God! I could wear tight jeans that show off my slim legs with a sheer, v-neck t-shirt that shows juuuuust a bit of cleavage. Or I could wear a floral romper with vibrant red tights and black flats. Ooo, or I could wear beige jeggings with a polka-dot top blouse and low heels. And then there's the eyeshadow options, lipstick colors...so many ways to be pretty!!!

So yeah, that's what I get out of crossdressing; I love and care more about feeling pretty than feeling handsome.

[Tracii G]

Ok I have a better grasp on where you are coming from now.
I think you saw that other side of you that second Halloween when you looked in the mirror.
You stepped out of your guy side and let the girl side in for a bit.
It was that way for me the first time I did a proper all the way dress up.
I saw the other side of me and actually saw that person I felt like on the inside. A major epiphany for me.
I knew then what was wrong with me and since then everything has made more sense to me as to why I felt the way I did.

[Pat]

...and while I didn't expect it to, when I saw myself in the mirror wearing a skirt and having breasts, my heart stopped for a minute as I took in how I looked.

To me, that's the telling moment. When I first looked in a mirror and saw the real me looking back, not the me I had been seeing all my life previous, I knew I had to go find her. ;) And, yes, if you take better care of her than you do of him; if you look forward to dressing her and are indifferent to what he wears -- there's something there that deserves some exploration. When I did that exploration I realized I'm happier as her than I ever was as him, and I realized that it was worth shaking up some parts of my life that I thought were settled, to be her. I'd argue that experience says this is not a phase for you. And even if it is a phase, it deserves some investigation. You owe it to her. ;)

[CynthiaD]

Did you ever stop to think that maybe wearing boy-clothes was just a phase, and that this is your real life?

[Acastina]

Yours is an unusual story. I think it's safe to say that few here dressed as a cartoonish s**t as a frat-boy Halloween adventure, then something more subdued (but still drawn from a cartoon character; go figure), then took up crossdressing as a more serious pursuit. For most of us, it started in relatively early childhood, no later than adolescence, and originated in something a lot less conscious and deliberate than a Halloween getup or two.

I'm not saying or implying that one can't stumble, as a young adult, onto whatever inner thing draws us to this behavior, just that it's unusual.

I would stop wondering whether your cohort's markedly liberalized view of gender nonconformity, the LGBTQ-is-cool trend, somehow steered you into this. There are lots of people of all ages who grew past traditional prejudices in this area without jumping in to be part of the scene, so if you're taking your CD seriously and studiously and pondering what it means, it's probably not the power of suggestion or a way to seem (or be) hip. What piques my curiosity is the relatively late onset apparently triggered by a couple of WTF costuming experiences.

In that regard, I suppose it's perfectly reasonable to suggest that your innate trigger just never got pulled earlier. Just because a lot of us go back to single-digit ages doesn't mean that such an experience is a universal template, or that a later onset means you're experiencing something different. You wrote about playing the role of being the wild-and-crazy college student with the other guys, and that makes me wonder that you might have been running a standard cultural routine of going along to get along and doing what the other persons-with-penises were doing without really being invested in it as an identity. A possible tell of that is how you describe your relationship with male clothing; it doesn't do anything for you emotionally, just the next shirt in the drawer, don't hate it but don't have a proud identification with looking handsome dressed as a boy, and so on.

That resonates with a lot of us here, as does the contrast of really getting into putting yourself together to present as a woman. I think it's wise to pay attention to the indifference to drab (I'm the same; absolutely no slob in me, but no thrill whatsoever from looking good as a guy) and the attention you pay to the other side. Understanding why you can take or leave the one but work hard at the other is key to finding your way through this. When our wives and girlfriends and others in our lives want and expect us to enjoy presenting as male, but we just don't feel it, there's something important there that we ignore or deny at our emotional peril. It can be slow-drip painful to go through life with that kind of unfulfilling sense of self.

You also need to know that there is a common experience of really coming to terms with cross-gender identifications at about age 30. Not everyone, but a statistical cluster. It seems to be when the defenses start breaking down, when thoughts of career and family and such start to loom big and unanswered questions keep tugging at your sleeve.

You're among friends here, and you'll get a lot of feedback. Don't panic or give up if a particular opinion seems judgmental or dismissive of what you're experiencing. You're asking the right questions, and only you can really answer them.

[Christina D]

You wrote about playing the role of being the wild-and-crazy college student with the other guys, and that makes me wonder that you might have been running a standard cultural routine of going along to get along and doing what the other persons-with-penises were doing without really being invested in it as an identity.

I probably should have clarified that in talking about my first year of college, I'm not proud of it now or bragging. I hate who I was then and, in many ways, hated myself then.

I've mentioned in other threads before that while I never crossdressed as a child or teen, I have always had a fascination with "girl things" like toys, music, and TV shows/movies. I was never athletic, I hate getting dirty, and I never played well with boys. I've never had a male best friend and always prefered the company of girls (now women).

However, when the opportunity to reinvent myself at a huge state college where no one knew me seemed too good to pass up. Although I'd had many close female friends up to that point, I never had a girlfriend. I never even kissed a girl. So, as much as I would have liked to be the same me I was in high school, the sense that I was inferior to other young men my age was really starting to take its toll. Thus, I tried fitting into the frat boy party scene, even though I hated it. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but it felt like what I was supposed to do.

Ironically enough, my "true nature," that of a guy who would rather sip wine coolers and watch new episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" with the girls in my dormitory, became known and I was once again ostracized by the guys.

To bring all of this back to my original concern, however, I again not only wonder if I crossdress because I want to "be one of the girls" but, more importantly, if that's good enough of a reason. Like I'm pretending to be a girl to fit in rather than trying to express my inner woman. Is there a difference? When I'm dressed as Christina, it doesn't feel like a costume, it definitelt feels like more than that, but I still feel like I'm pretending on some level, and that's what has me worried, like I should leave dressing and presenting as a woman to "real" transwomen.


Did you ever stop to think that maybe wearing boy-clothes was just a phase, and that this is your real life?

Oh my God...reading that just blew my mind! :eek:

[Acastina]

That backstory clarifies things for me. A lot of us have some variation on growing up without many of the usual boy stuff (friends, sports, first girlfriends, and so on) and realizing (often quite suddenly) that dressing and presenting as female opens up something that just isn't there (at least not with the same magic and inner peace) in boy mode. Your response to Cynthia's pithy and perceptive query is just what I'm getting at. What you describe sounds like a shell existence without the filler that "normal" boys accumulate, and being ostracized in college for reverting to your true nature would support the idea that you are trying to express your inner woman.

You tried pretending to be one of the guys, and it didn't work very well. Maybe you're not one of the guys. For them, it would feel like a costume. You did the costume thing and then realized you wanted more. That feeling of pretending is inevitable; this is new to you, after all, and it's only natural to question its authenticity. I wrote above about one's innate trigger getting pulled, and that it happens early for a lot of us, but it makes perfect sense from your history that it just didn't occur to you earlier than it did, while still being more or less the same thing.

Follow the feelings. There are aspects of CD that are pretty straightforward gratification, such as the commonplace erotic arousal response. For some, that's all they need to ask of or take from the experience. Or just really working the dressing-up thing to see how gorgeous and sexy we can make ourselves look as some kind of aesthetic gratification, which may be in the nature of narcissism. But for many others, there's something deeper and more in the nature of identity and wholeness than it is fetishistic play, of integration of the person despite realizing that we don't fit well in our assigned boxes. That what your struggle sounds like to me.

Some here have counseled not thinking too much about it, and I'm not sure it's as simple as that. I would say, be aware of obsessing, but continue to think it through as your mental and emotional energies allow. You have a lot to unpack. Take your time and do it thoughtfully.:hugs:

[sometimes_miss]

I've never known life without the desire to dress up and look and feel feminine.
It makes me wonder exactly why and where it starts, and for some, how long it remains repressed before acted upon. I can remember as a young child not having any particular desire to dress or behave like a girl at all. And I remember the transition period (quite a few years) while I went through the 'is this what I'm really supposed to be doing?' feeling, and feeling ashamed of it because I knew that I wasn't supposed to wear girl clothes.

Cross dressing DOES NOT lead to transition.
Well, actually, sometimes it does. While I completely understand the need for some who are in a relationship or married to insist on the above, there are some who start with crossdressing, not knowing exactly why they want to. Not everyone understands what's going on in their own head.

Don't worry if you're a real crossdresser or a fake crossdresser -- just do it when it makes you happy.
Best advice.

I'm betting if there's no basis for it, it will wear thin pretty quickly.
Not necessarily. All that needs to happen, is to believe that you're doing the right thing, no matter how bizarre the reason.

There are no International Crossdresser Standards you have to meet; no licensing exam;
no duties and responsibilities.
Ahh, but there are some who want us to believe that there are.

If there are no International Crossdresser Standards or no licensing exam then who collected my fees and sent me my license to crossdress ?
Whoops, looks like you got scammed by that midnight infomercial that insisted you join the 'official crossdresser registry, for only $99.99 annually in easy perpetual monthly payments, once they have your credit card #, of course.

What it all came down to is that nobody really knows why some people are gender reversed to various degrees.
I truly believe that it's because they're all searching for that ONE true, and only ONE reason why men crossdress. And that's why they fail. Because it's different for a lot of us. So that trips up any hypothesis that they had when they started. People of science almost universally feel the need to adhere to the scientific method. We don't quite fit into it the way they've been taught that everything must, and because of so many years of training, they can't adjust their beliefs.

You stepped out of your guy side and let the girl side in for a bit.
And that's the beginning of where the confusion takes hold, and as long as you believe that, you'll never be able to figure it out. We don't have 'sides'. It's all US, all the time.

[Abbey11]

Hi Christina, your summary of how much effort you put into your male and female presentation is the same for me, I've said in previous posts how I love the vast variety available when I'm Abbey, and I also remember, will never forget, the breathless moment at seeing Abbey for the very 1st time having had a proper head to toe makeover, I had tears.
I love now having both aspects to my personality and I think it has made me a better person for it

Have a merry Christmas
Abbey