A question for the DADT people

[Becky Blue]

I am seeking out some honest answers here, many of you are in DADT situations with your SO's. At the stage of telling i would guess that your SO's had a lot of questions, fears etc. that you no doubt answered truthfully. The DADT sets in... fast forward some time and things change with regards to how you feel about your CD/TS/whatever side. So perhaps your urges to dress get stronger or perhaps the idea of boobs starts to sound interesting or any of 1000 changes that are so common in our world. What do you do?
1. Update your SO even though its DADT?
2. Let sleeping dogs lie?
3. Other

Lets hear what some of you did when the situation arose.

[Teresa]

Becky,
Let sleeping dogs lie , if she wants to talk about it she knows I'm only too happy to. It doesn't create the perfect situation, because you still walk on eggshells, you don't tell her the whole truth and you do too many things behind her back. If you live a double life what else can you expect .

[Lily Catherine]

This is me right now albeit with my family; the dog has been sleeping and I'm trying not to awaken it. None of them refer to this side explicitly, even the Tip of the Iceberg - me dressing in overtly feminine clothes - isn't mentioned by name. While still a boy I was already told (by both my parents) to "be proud of being a man" even in bodily function.

Oddly enough I have joked about the cup size of my flat chest in front of them (albeit aptly in context) and they laughed.

[Jennie2]

Sort of let sleeping dogs lie as I love my wife and don't want to jeopardise our relationship more than I have.
I still continue to dress in private but my wife sees my pained toe nails, I put my panties and a few other items in the wash, she comments on my extended time in the bathroom, putting on a little eye makeup before going to work ( she hasn't noticed yet). It is an evolving situation, as long as I don't go too far nothing much is said.

Jennie

[Rabecca]

I would say no.2

[GretchenM]

Hi Becky,

I am pretty much like others and just leave it alone and adjust my management a bit. But before I do that I put out a few feelers to test the waters and see if my wife's views have changed any. Just little comments and the like to remind her of the other me that she knows is a major part of me but really doesn't want to get to know. Usually the reaction to my gentle test is like the past reactions and so I leave it at that and adjust my management. On the downside, that is only going to work so long because as Gretchen gains more "maturity" she becomes more important and wants to be out and about more. At some point your option 1 is going to have to be done and another talk will be needed. When that happens it will need to be done very carefully so as to inform without offending or scaring her. We are both very liberal, but even liberals have their boundaries and those boundaries are important to observe and respect. And, by the way, that was an excellent question you came up with.

Gretchen

[PamelaRI]

My SO knew before we were married, but she didn't ask many questions beyond "Are you gay?", "Do you want to become a woman?", "What's wrong with me (her)?. I answered them honestly based on what I knew at the time. She asked/told me not to do it anymore and since I was foolish and thought marriage would change me, I agreed. After the second time, I was caught, it transitioned from I forbid it to I don't want to see it. So, I'd say that for the most part I've taken option #2, reluctantly. In the early years, when I did something that she doesn't like, she held it in until she exploded with talk about financial ruin, embarrassment and my awful childhood. In the past, I would try to explain, but that's hard when someone is calling you names and trying to insult your manhood (like I care or cared). Now if she sees something minor she'll make a little comment, but there have been a few times in the last year where she'll start talking again about embarrassment, etc. So under Option #2, I've been bitten by the sleeping dog a few times, but today I wear panties and women's tanks for underwear everyday (although they don't have a place in my dresser), yoga pants for exercise and for lounging at home and several other feminine outer things. However, I would prefer a more open line of communication - not being in charge of who you are and wondering when the next attack is coming is unsettling and frustrating.

[Julie MA]

Becky, I recently came out to my wife. She was overtly accepting at first, but there have been ups and downs since. I may end up in DADT but I find the more info she gets, and asks for, at her pace, and delivered in a way she can handle, the odds are going up that I can find a better level of acceptance from her. I tend toward the fetish side and she seems to like that, knowing I am very sexual, actually bisexual. I think she can handle the fetish versus wanting to be femme all the time or me living as a woman. I don't want either of those, and I know those would be marriage enders as well. Julie

[abby054]

Let sleeping dogs lie...and stay out of range of their bite as well. My wife is beyond DADT. She is on a quest to eradicate this everywhere it occurs. She yells at the radio or TV whenever the subject comes up. She rails at the newspaper. Last year, she again suspected that I was hiding my girl stuff in our large back storage room, so she engaged our daughter to go through every millimeter of that room, throwing out a lot of my hobby and professional stuff while I was gone on business travel. They had done a similar thing several years ago in my study and found some girl stuff in a closet. She made a huge fuss about it then. This time, she found nothing because there was nothing there to find.

Meanwhile, I have ramped up my girl time and my girl wardrobe. How? I rent a climate controlled storage locker, about 2 meters by 2.2 meters, near my office, where I can latch the door and dress in peace. It is furnished with a vanity, mirrors, shoe shelves, a purse rack, jewelry boxes, and a three tiered closet where I hang my finery. I pay the rent on my business travel card. I "work" a little early or a little late some days. That works well for all but my makeup skills. I pack an extra (girl) bag for my trips and pick it up when I swing by the office on my way to the airport. To avoid any absent minded errors while traveling, I observe a strict rule of no mingling of anything between the girl bag and my guy bag. I enjoy my girl cave. She knows nothing of it.

[Stephanie47]

Let sleeping dogs lie. I respect my wife's wishes. Many years ago, even before finding this site and before we had a computer, I tried to push the envelope. I pleaded with her that all I really wanted for my birthday or anytime was some panties. We went at my urging to Mervyn's department store. We did end up buying some panties, but, it was an ordeal for my wife. It really stressed her out. I decided then I was really being mentally abusive. Would I really feel comfortable sitting around the livingroom at night in a dress, wig and makeup? No. So why would I do it? I decided DADT was the only solution. Does that mean she is totally in the dark about my cross dressing? No. After being married for over 45 years spouses can pretty much tell how things are evolving. DADT should mean as with us that there are no barbs beings thrown at me. Or I shaving off my hair or making other visible cues that would upset her.

[Tina_gm]

Lots of sleeping dogs lie answers, but the question is about if things change for you. So the needs change. Dad to works when things are static and our needs/desires are met. But then if things change or progress.... so my suggestion would be to open up a conversation. Doesn't mean dadt wouldn't resume afterword but I think if there becomes additional needs, time, space etc etc that should be addressed. Otherwise we end up back at the point where we were frustrated and sneaking, lying.

[Meghan4now]

Depends on how you define DADT. For me, there is a concept of on a need to know basis. Not entirely DADT. I would think that major decisions, body modifications, major purchases, extended travel plans, would warrant a discussion, but that is also how I see a marriage. Others may feel differently.

[mykell]

guess you posted this before i answered your other question.......for me this helped with my DADT conundrum, felt it may still be relevant, http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...!!!&highlight= (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...%21%21%21&highlight=)
so technically im not in a DADT anymore, we have conversations, brief ones but i dont sneak anymore and never wanted to assume i could do as i please...

[Kandi Robbins]

I am not in a DADT situation, but have one thought. Turn it around. Think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed and go from there.

I know one thing (and I readily acknowledge how very lucky I am), I would not be as accepting as my wife has been. She is so much a better person than I am.

She showed me what real love is.

[Christina D]

I opt for something in between options 1 and 2. If you have no major "developments," then I would just not say anything.

I told my girlfriend of 3 years almost immediately after I stared dressing. It was an extremely uncomfortable and awkward first day after telling her and she didn't want to talk about it at all, though I told her all the most important things (that I'm not gay, I'm still in love with and attracted to her, etc). The next day she had a few more questions, but that's the last we've spoken on thr subject, which was about 1 month ago. She knows that I dress when she's not home, but she pretends like she doesn't and I do the same for her sake.

Other than experimenting with different shades of lipstick and the like, I haven't really taken things further and don't plan to. If, hypothetically, I wanted to start hormones or dress full-time, then I would talk to her about it. However, I see no need to check in every week and tell her "By the way, I still like dressing."

[docrobbysherry]

I interpret letting sleeping dogs lie to mean lying and sneaking around.

My version of DADT means I can dress where and when I like with advanced notice. So my daughter can avoid that part of the house or leave it all together if she likes. I ask her if she has any questions or any issues. She rarelt does. And I don't discuss my sessions with her afterwards.

DADT means u discuss it as little as possible. And she never sees me dressed or my paraphenalia. It doesn't mean hide, snak, lie, or never discuss it.

[Lily Catherine]

I'd read "let sleeping dogs lie" to be maintaining the status quo; even DADT (I know your situation, but we aren't discussing it) feels like doing things behind the backs of the (knowing) parties with whom one is DADT. The crux in my opinion is their knowledge.

[TrishaTX]

I would just ask if she wants an update? Would you like me to check in from time to time etc...if not you have your answer...

[PamelaRI]

I'd read "let sleeping dogs lie" to be maintaining the status quo; even DADT (I know your situation, but we aren't discussing it) feels like doing things behind the backs of the (knowing) parties with whom one is DADT. The crux in my opinion is their knowledge.

I don't know that it necessarily is a case of being wholly dishonest and doing things behind the backs..... After all isn't that what is being asked for in DADT? "I don't want you to do this, but if you do I don't want to see it or any sign of it." As for status quo, that depends on what upsets the current state (e.g. is it visible, is it blatantly unmanly). Of course, as someone posted recently on another thread, there are things that men who aren't cross dressers, gender fluid, transgender, etc. can do such as pierced ears that if we did the same thing would set off the abnormal behavior klaxon.

Do I like DADT and the concept of letting sleeping dogs lie? No, I abhor dishonesty and the concept of having to keep my things hidden in the house that my toils pays for definitely aggravates me. Regrettably, DADT, or as I posted to another thread last week, Just don't let me see it, is what I've been asked to do to remain with the person who I see as my life partner.

[CarlaWestin]

Regrettably, DADT, (and), Just don't let me see it, is what I've been asked to do to remain with the person who I see as my life partner.

I'm in the camp of let sleeping dogs lie. With DADT I've arrived at a level of this journey that's quite accommodating. All of my dresses are in the closet instead of me. As far as the visual appearance goes, I see me as a much younger sexy female whereas my wife sees her expectedly male husband behind female visual cues. I still get the occasional nasty comment but, I've learned from previous relationships that it is easier to just shrug and say, "Whatever." She's brought up the idea that she's too financially dependant to even get a divorce, not that she wanted to do that but it, was an option. After disclosure, it took a while for her to realise that I was the same person. I just wish she would appreciate my proclivity as a special gift the way I do.

[Becky Blue]

Interesting responses... and the majority are in the let sleeping dogs lie (LSDL) category, which of course is not surprising. So my follow up question to the LSDL people is how does your situation differ to a husband who occasionally crossdresses and has not told his wife anything? Please don't for one moment think I am being critical or judging anyone, I am really curious to understand the DADT situation. Also pointing out that I am not referring to myself when using the example above.

[Meghan4now]

Good question. First, there is the removal or reduction of fear of being caught. Second there is less guilt of feeling like you're lying. Third finances are more open. And fourth, logistically, there are fewer gyrations needed just to prepare for a night out. Not that any or all of these are totally removed, but lessened.

Plus, at least you've provided the SO with the opportunity to learn or be more accepting. This is important.

[Billy]

I had a very open honest discussion with my wife about a week ago. There is no indication that she is upset or discouraged with me. However today we were out for a date lunch and I told her that I wanted some new clothes. She told me it would be better for me to order online. I came home and ordered what I wanted. I do not plan to bring my crossdressing up again. I openly wear panties and pantyhose in her presence. I shave my legs and use her moisturizing lotion. I do not plan to tell her if or when I go out dressed as a woman. I do wear some women's slacks and sweater in her presence. Over the weekend I put all the clothing I purchased from the thrift store in the hamper. I see it is all washed and folded. She knows everything and if she wants to know more all she has to do is ask. I see no benefit in hourly, daily, weekly, or any updates.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Many are missing the point of DADT. It is not for the CDers benefit but for the SO. I would be very happy to share my femme life with my wife, my best friend in my male life, but she wants nothing to do with it. Not to participate or even to see.

So my wife doesn't want to know. So why would I talk about any acceleration or desired changes although anything she could see, such as boobs would confront DADT. If that is how my wife copes then I'm not dishonest, sneaky or, in an emotional sense, going behind her back.

Occasionally I test with her whether her feelings to my CDing have changed. The response is always the same although after 4 years there is some softening around the edges. This Christmas she bought me a Fitbit with male and female watch bands. I take what I can get but don't expect more.

[Christina D]

The first half of DADT (don't ask) implies a clear difference from just sneaking around. "Don't ask" means that the significant other has reason to suspect that their partner is dressing, but doesn't feel the need to know for sure. That's how I interpret the difference.

[Joyce Swindell]

I agree with you Meghan4now. So if you decide you want boobs then the DADT thing is an explosion waiting to happen. I think major decisions or even the consideration for a major change would be something I would want to have a discussion with my SO.

I mean...."significant other" isn't just an acronym...it's a person.

[Genny B]

Almost afraid to add to this conversation, but with all the let the sleeping dog lie answers I have to wonder if that might be part of the problem with many of us. I thought I was in a DADT relationship but have to wonder. My wife knows I dress and she knows I go out and meet others dressed. I tell her the when and where's. She doesn't want to join me but I always tell her, 'in case you change your mind and want to join me'. It was after I learned my children knew and in talking with them I learned my wife would stay with me 'until I transitioned'. That was important information I would not of known had I not opened up with my family. Our youngest is 24 though so I know that is different from many. To the original post, I would share any changes. I'm not saying it would be easy and make take me a few weeks to find the right moment, but I would not do it till I shared with the most important person in my life. Just my thoughts. I hope everything works out for everyone. Happy New Year!

Genny B

[WandaRae2009]

Let sleeping dogs lie. -- When I slip up and leave something out by accident or she finds that I ordered something, she will give me the "look" and cold shoulder or make a comment or two. If she asks I will answer truthfully. Keeping this a secret from her for over 25 years has put a real dent in the trust front.