Desires to reveal yourself

[Rachael Leigh]

With the holidays here and many of us seeing our families I wonder how many who are out primarily
to just their spouse ever considered coming out to family about their dressing. I'm mostly talking about CDs here but those who are also in other categories but are not going to fully transition.
Have you thought I just want to be real with my family about myself and this part I express once in
a while.
I know it has been on my brain somewhat this season, I really don't know why but I think it comes down to being real and being open as to no not offend anyone but to just say look we are people we all
have different aspects of ourselves and honestly we should be true to those we love.

Yes there would be lots of pitfalls but it really was on my mind this year. Oh and no I did not and honestly I doubt it will ever happen but it just got me thinking how others felt about it.
Rachael Leigh

[StephanieM]

I have the general desire to come out to the world sometimes, but at the same time there is family that I really never want to know.

[Dana44]

Yeah, my sister won't even talk to me. So it is sometimes useless to expose us to our families. There is a lot I could tell her about our DES issues as I have researched them and why things happened to her. Yep that is a big pitfall.

[Maria 60]

I don't know, Italians love dirty laundry, even my own brother would find a way to advantage from news like that. Lol. To be honest a few years ago I wanted to set it straight with my mom. It probably would've have surprised her she caught me a few times and she never said anything to me but she would wash my pantyhose and never say anything. My wife asked me why I wanted to do this now at her old age. So I took my wifes advice and left it alone

[Jenniferathome]

Leigh, I am comfortable in my decision to tell those whom my cross dressing might affect. as of today, that is my wife. No one else. I am a cross dresser but that is not ALL I am. If cross dressing were a more significant part of my life, I may need to tell others. It's not that today.

[Tracy Irving]

Those I choose to tell are on a need to know basis. The list includes my wife and SA's at various dress stores I frequent.

[Shely]

Jennifer,
I totally agree with you. I enjoy dressing a LOT but it isn't my whole being, even though at some times it is quite prevalent. My wife knows and doesn't seem to disapprove too much, but nobody else knows and i am hoping to keep it that way. I have thought often about telling a few others, and sometmes I wish I could. But a few others would mean everyone soon or later. I just don't know how others in the family would react, especially my children and my grand-kids. for now it's our secret. HUG

[Tracii G]

Why do you feel the need is my question?
You are not "living a lie" or not being the "real" you.
Look long and hard what might happen if you do disclose that information.Does it hurt you or harm them in anyway?
If so its best not to tell,just common sense IMO.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I've wished that I could be Stephanie whenever I felt the need with family more times than I can count over the years and decades. However, reality takes over and I know that is only a dream. It doesn't meant that I still don't have the dream. I just realize that it can only be a dream.

[Kandi Robbins]

Rachael,

I have certainly thought about it as well. While I am very proud of myself, it would probably do no real good. It does really only affect my wife and she knows, so I have chosen to take it no further. I know I would never be comfortable being dressed around family and friends (my choice), so I'll probably take this one to the grave. While my wife sees me dressed frequently (generally coming or going), I have zero interest in dressing and going out with her. Things have worked out pretty well so far, so I'm not one to create any waves.

[JocelynJames]

I have thought about it with my brother here from California or my mom as close as we are. Sometimes the secret stresses me, so I have no desire to burden anyone else . My wife has done well with it and I'm good with that.

[mykell]

aren't we the hypocrites, when the question comes up will this ever be considered normal folks will respond with the all truth opinion of never, but yet we find every justification to not disclose this to our family members and teach the very same that it is more normal than anyone ever thought, it does effect them because it can effect theyre opinion of us and folks like us, AND Im just as guilty of perpetuating the stigma....ill point the finger at myself first.

but to answer Rachelle's question....this past year i baked with my wife and made cookies that i copied from Mikell's pinterest account, ive never baked with her before, when setting up the finger food for our christmas get together i arranged the cheese and meat in the shape of a christmas tree as copied from Mikells pinterest, i even made a modification or so and added the olives as ornaments and cauliflower as the star, not my most manly tasks of late....but i was myself, just not dressed the way i would have if i was braver and more secure....so yes there is a desire.

[Rachael Leigh]

Mikell, you hit it right by saying we want the outside world to accept us but when we think of our loved ones it's like not in
this life. I think that's where I'm at on this, I find myself comfortable in being out and being Rachael and yet why should I fear my family, like most here while my wife knows I even don't want to dress in full in front of her because even she is a bit uncomfortable around it.

I agree too , what you mean Jennifer that while I'm not full time and it's just one part of me it's kinda a big part but does that
mean it's important enough for all to know. It's a tough call and it sometimes keeps me up at night, well not literally but
I think you understand.

[Jaylyn]

Unless I had too many eggnogs I will never come out to family. Mine will stay a secret between my wife and I and will be till I die.

[TheHiddenMe]

It's a catch-22.

We are afraid to reveal ourselves to those who know us (outside a select few), because of the stigma. However, the only way to overcome the stigma is for people to know crossdressers and realize we're not monsters. I have presented this argument to my wife (who does NOT want me to go out dressed), and she was in reluctant agreement. She definitely fears the repercussions (real or imagined) of me being outed.

On the lighter side, I've been retired from my company for a little over four years, and I saw a number of co-workers at our company Christmas party. They ask me what I do to fill my time. I respond with the usual; golf, tennis, exercise, travel--and left unsaid is hanging out at Nordstrom buying dresses (before I went to the 3 PM party I had been to the Art Museum and Nordstrom dressed up).

[Stephanie47]

Why? Why? Why? What purpose does it serve? How is it going to advance "the cause?" So, you tell a brother, a sister, a mother, a father, et al. You declare "I like to wear women's clothing. I love wearing a bra, a slip, panties, makeup, the entire deal." Then, it will follow "Why aren't you dolled up right now when you're pronouncing this desire?" Are you going to head over for a Thanksgiving meal?

I would recommend, if you want to advance the cause, to go out totally en femme and shop, eat at a restaurant, walk the malls......make yourself visible to people who do not know you.

My point is why do you want to put a relationship between you and family members or your friends or your employer at risk? If you are going to proclaim it, are you ready to live it?

[lingerieLiz]

I'm out to most of my family. I still go in drab to special dinners and events. My mother knows has seen me dressed (dad did also). My sisters know (I have a lot of their vintage stuff, they can't fit it). Of course wife and daughters know.

BUT BUT BUT It does make people uneasy and why do you want to cause tension in a family event. As a CD it isn't imperative to display every thing to others in your family. What if one family member accepts and another doesn't and they become angry.

[Cassandra*]

Life's too short. This has been the worst yr. in my life so I stepped out to Mom. I've never considered my life to be dramatic like some but this was my year. Demoted at work for cost saving, Kid brother almost dies from some virus(ICU for three months), wife diagnosed with colon cancer (successful surgery) and then father passing after diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. All this from April -Oct. so I began my bucket list. Went for a manicure and when at Moms she noticed my natural but longer nails. She questioned me and that's when I told her I am Trans. She was shocked to the least and I could see the catholic coming at me but I just smiled and said there are no exorcisem to cure this, it's not evil. I've been feeling this way my entire life just hiding it VERY WELL! I told her that I started seeing a therapist when dad was in the hospital and that's when I came to realize what direction I am heading on this journey. When Dad passed I flashed back to the beginning of the year and realized life is too short and I'm moving forward with MY LIFE. Once I begin hormone therapy and my body begins it's change they will notice and the cats out of the bag. My wife has known for a few years but has never seen CASSANDRA and Dec. 20 my 9 yr. old daughter asked if I like girl things. I asked if she remembered the term TG that has been a media topic and she said yes it's when a person has the wrong body for how their mind feels. I was pretty impressed with her analogy. I said yes and that is how I feel and I will always be your Daddy. I asked if there were any questions and so we talked. This was the conversation I wasn't sure how to confront but fortunately it confronted me. If your family loves you be truthful eventually but let it happen stress is unhealthy. My thought's on the subject. Cassie.

[Krisi]

My advice is always the same - Tell only those who need to know. For most of us, that would be your wife and only your wife. Or perhaps your long term, trusted girlfriend (or boyfriend).

Nothing good can come from telling others and you are placing a burden of secrecy on them that they may not want. Once you've rung the bell, you can't unring it. Keep this in mind.

[SarahleeNH]

...There is a lot I could tell her about our DES issues ...

I know what you mean. I truly believe there is much left to learn about the DES exposure. But more comes to light as time progresses...

[jennigrace]

I too would like to come out to some people. Only 4 people have known, my mother, now deceased (approved and helped me shop starting at age 6), my wife, also deceased (did not approve), a close lesbian friend (approved) and a former girlfriend and still a friend (definitely approved and helped me shop). I have thought about telling my daughter and son-in-law but I'm not sure how they would accept it. I think my daughter would be OK . I love my son-in-law but I don't think he would be very accepting. He was a college athlete, as was I, and he is a bit "macho." Now I live alone in a condo and can dress whenever I am home. I am heavily involved in the community and at church so I don't have much time at home. I am able to sleep in my fem pj's and panties. I do wear panties 24/7/365. Sometimes I do wear a bra out if I have a heavy coat or sweatshirt on. I would just like someone in my everyday life that I could talk to. There is a close friend in my building who is very open minded and I think I would like to tell him but I'm still scared. We do go out to lunch or dinner a lot. I just wish society as a whole was more accepting.

[Teresa]

Leigh,
It's a balancing act , trying to accept yourself, Cding isn't going to go away, it's part of you so why do you need to hide it as if it's something to be ashamed of ?

On the other hand what is revealing to the family going to achieve ? I have to admit I feel much better about it now my family know and so does my wife, but as I've said before I'm not 100% out to them as they haven't seen me. I can't say whether it will happen or not, but they do accept I go out socially dressed and obviously know many other people have seen me dressed especially since the Xmas party.

I might add that my daughter and son in law have seen my pictures and are very supportive, even to the point wher they would be happy to let me dress to attend a social group close to them. They treat me just the same in fact they appear to have more respect for me for being honest with them.

There is also another aspect to consider , I have been looking into AGP afresh and reading the updated work to Blanchard's original ideas. Among the listed traits is the need to be seen and accepted as a woman . Cding is a very complex subject and there is far more to it than trying to hide the man in a dress and being made to feel ashamed by society. Maybe the family has a right to know so they can possibly support you when you do face society, I am very surprised by the number of partners who accompany the Cders to the social meetings.

[Lucy23]

I have struggled with acceptance my entire life. There is no way anyone would like me for me, I used to think... My hobbies, my thoughts, my opinions, everything that had been going on in my life was submitted to the voice in my head, voice that had somehow emerged during my upbringing and those important years your identity develops, saying that not a single person would be interested in hearing about it. So I kept silence. I still struggle with such thoughts every now and then, but it is a little better now.

I can't speak for others, but the newfound self-acceptance has given me the will to try the world and show who I am. As for crossdressing, to come out to at least one important person in my life (the female friend in my thread about this) would be an "old world" shattering experience to me, provided that it goes well. Now, she doesn't have to see me dressed, go shopping with me, or even talk fashion; just being there, hearing me out, saying it's fine and me feeling accepted would mean being recognized as a human being, and experience unlike anything I have ever felt.

[Angie G]

I'm 68 and my wife is the only one that knows.Some times iwish I could wear a skirt to a family function or just out but that's not going to happen. I do get all the time I need to dress at home.:hugs:
Angie

[Lily Catherine]

Still questioning, still limited by my own bulletproof glass closet.
I can only convince, I cannot force acceptance. My immediate family outed me with not just "not wanting to see it" but insisting this side of me be shed totally, perhaps denied. The fetishistic element (if there were any, and it was the first I ever knew of understanding crossdressing unfortunately) is quite dead now, although I understand why they first thought of fetishism when they outed me. They handled it much better than I expected, and I'm more than grateful for that. I have genuine doubts I can re-introduce myself at a Chinese New Year reunion to my parents and relatives as their daughter, niece, aunt. The time could well come on me to put on my best qipao, and present myself (as Lily) to my family again.

Many SAs know anyway, although not by name, only by face. This is entirely on a need-to-know basis.

[Alice B]

As I have said before, I am out to my entire and extended family. But last week my daughter in law graduated from college and was having a party. She begged me to come dressed and after discussion with my wife I did. Lots of people who did not know my female side and were quite supprised. But everyone accepted it and I had a great time.

[Judith96a]

I can't say that I want everyone, or indeed anyone, in my extended family knowing that I crossdress! However, I bought myself a lovely glitter party dress and found myself thinking, more than once, "I'd love to be able to wear this for Christmas Day"

[nonameyet1234]

My wife and I had this discussion the other day. My mom would be absolutely thrilled if she ever knew. Because of this, my wife asked if I'd ever tell her. On top of being thrilled however, she'd tell everyone and anyone...it's just how she is. So it would come down to how the rest of my family would react. Of those closest to me, my mom would love it, my step dad....not so much, but we're close and I think he'd deal with it. My brother would want to go out drinking and likely get into a fight with anyone who said anything to me, but at the same time would tease me about it. My sister in law would be pumped to have someone to dress up with. The rest of my family I'm not close with outside of reunions/get togethers so it wouldn't really affect me if they did or didn't accept it. So I don't see any issues to coming out to my family, but it's just not something I'm ready for the rest of the world to know....and if I told my family, they would. It's probably the easy way out, but I'm staying in the closet.

[leannejacobs]

I know there are no advantages to telling people but to date, I've told my wife who told her best friend, I've told my GG cousin, my mother and sister, a female friend and a female colleague, only he last one I regret, she'll not out me but I over stepped he mark, thinking she was interested when she really wasn't, I fear I've ruined the friendship, she confided in me and I in her more as a guarantee her secret was safe with me, stupid move but it's done now, she still talks but she's distant now�� there's nothing untoward going on but I miss our talks, she's a really nice person.

[somestimeskaren]

I've thought quite a bit about telling my daughter about my need to crossdress.She's in her mid 30's open minded and not judgemental.In fact I think my ex may have already planted the seed of what Dad was up to before we split ,I know she told her sister who then told our neighbor.When my neighbor asked I just laughed it off.Maybe I am sort of out already without even being sure.I hope to find the courage to sit down with my daughter and open up about this side of me, it's what I want and need.

[sometimes_miss]

Nothing good can come from telling others and you are placing a burden of secrecy on them

It comes down to, of what benefit will it be to the person I tell? Or am I just being selfish, wanting the compassion from them for myself?

I keep my mouth firmly shut. There's really no gain by knowing that someone else is a crossdresser, so I don't subject others to having to keep MY secrets.

[Lucy23]

It comes down to, of what benefit will it be to the person I tell? Or am I just being selfish, wanting the compassion from them for myself?
I guess you're right, there is no real benefit for others knowing. I know that I might be comparing apples and oranges now, but telling others of my bad day, my boss or parents pissing me off, little things that cheer us up, or whatever, how does that benefit others if they knew? I think we tell them those things because we it's a way of sharing our lives... I've been the other way, thinking of what benefit would it be if others knew I found this amazing music / want to try this hobby etc. I kept that to myself and it tore me apart from the inside.

Still, the question is what bugs me. That may be the only reason I haven't told the friend. But turn it other way round, she told me numerous times she had troubles with self-esteem, that she thought she couldn't do this or that. Of what benefit was that to me?

[Alisonforme]

When the pink fog hits I always feel like I wish everyone knew, so I could just dress and do my thing. But I'm worried how my kids might be affected and how others might be affected. I think some of my daughters might even enjoy it along with me, but I can't tell if that's just fantasy, wishful thinking, delusion, or a real possibility.

I'm keeping it in check for now because my SO would be absolutely mortified if the secret were out. But I do long for more freedom.