Taking advantage

[Lorileah]

In another thread Stephanie says her wife won't take advantage of her crossdressing
I cannot get her to tap into my femme side and take advantage of it. I would like the Crossdressers (and gender fluids) how allowing you to dress is an "advantage" to your SO? What do you bring to the table that makes your SO's life better?

[Becky Blue]

I have not really come out to my wife, but I believe that Becky has been very advantageous to my wife even though. I believe I have a much deeper empathy for her and for women in general. it can be as shallow as understanding how her feet feel after wearing heels for a few hours, to much deeper things such as understanding how vulnerable a woman can feel out alone in the dark. Unlike most husbands I enjoy shopping with her and am happy to provide opinions when asked about how things look on her, I show genuine interest. I am happy to watch movies of her choice (she has pretty broad tastes) and I enjoy cooking and the like.

Thats just a few examples of how I believe my Femm side benefits my wife, i could give many more. If she knew and allowed me to dress, it could be even better for her.

[GaleWarning]

My SO has had an epiphany this past week and has given me the freedom to dress whenever I want to. The difference in our relationship has been profound! No more arguments, a huge reduction in the anxiety she has been experiencing for many months, and a greater sense of 'togetherness'.

She is learning that I am still the same person, regardless of how I am dressed. Indeed, I may even be a better person when I am given the freedom to be 'me'.

I am witnessing the re-emergence of the woman I met almost three years ago. Someone who is happy and confident in her own skin.

Life is wonderful, right now.

[windshear]

I suspect that for more than a few of us, one of the following requests from our SO's will be more motivating to fulfill than the other.


"Honey, go take out the trash."Versus...


"Why don't you slip into your dress and apron, take out the trash, clean the house... and cook dinner for me while you're at it? I'd also like a foot massage, bubble bath..."

[Dorit]

As I had replied in another thread, my wife thinks me being TG is a gift to her! She now has a live in girl friend that shops with her, does her nails and hair, talks about jewlery and fashion, and feelings of course. But above all we have this deep intimacy and emotional bond of friendship that is like being close sisters together. She had this with her own sister, but she passed away a number of years ago and now I am her best girlfriend!

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Lori,
Since she's known about my dressing, clothes shopping with her,
for HER, my opinion carries a bit more weight.
On a recent trip to Chico's, she was looking for a few pairs of pants.
The standard black, or navy blue. You know...the "these go with everything" pants.
While trying several pairs on (which allowed me time to browse) she was done, and
ready to leave the store. So I showed her what I had put together while I was waiting.
Of course none of it was on sale, but she really liked, and considered the outfit I
had chosen, which was WAY in the opposite direction of where she was going with
her choices.

Also, I'd have never thought I'd hear her ask me to help her do her makeup!

Much Love,
Kristyn

[Lydianne]

@Windshear: I don't have a SO, but I know that would work on me if I didn't have as many opportunities to cross dress as I would like. Good post!

But a lot of other things would have to have been worked out beforehand, though. It wouldn't be an early step in the process.

[Teresa]

Lorileah,
I feel my wife is missing the best side of me, I'm far happier , content, and more obliging .

Many of us are pretty good at choosing outfits and putting them together, I've had one occasion when she realised I was right with a dress she bought, and a second that has occasionally been worn . She is missing a good companion, I know she keeps saying she only wants the man she married but if she realised our dressing does have it's compensations .

[Samm]

The difference in our relationship has been profound! No more arguments, a huge reduction in the anxiety she has been experiencing for many months, and a greater sense of 'togetherness'.

She is learning that I am still the same person, regardless of how I am dressed. Indeed, I may even be a better person when I am given the freedom to be 'me'.

^^^This right here.^^^ But I would add, no more secrets. My wife identifies as bi, and has dated women before we met. She tells me she has the best of both worlds now.

[Krisi]

The advantage for my wife is in the clothes. She loves to shop so we shop together. Not only does she get to pick out clothes for me, she has the perfect excuse to buy some more for herself.

Not much of an advantage for sure but it's an answer to your post.

[Julie MA]

CDing makes me gentler, more content, and appreciative of my wife, and everyone. She has already noticed that in the few short weeks since I came out to her, and in our discussions. That's an advantage for her, and our whole family.

[GretchenM]

Hi Lorileah,

My wife reaps lots of advantages. I do 90% of the cooking, make our bread the old fashioned way, and I am quite a bit neater than she is so I do a lot of cleaning up, do the grocery shopping, etc. I also knit all kinds of things that can be seen around the house. I guess I am kind of the house wife in our family. That said, she also does a good deal of baking and some cleaning and other things. I do all the masculine things as well. I like it; keeps me busy. But on the whole, I am more stereotypical and traditional wifey than she is. Didn't used to be that way. When my wife went back to school for her Masters degree and was working full time as a teacher, as well as being a full time student, she couldn't do those things. I took over, enjoyed it, and we never changed back. I would love to be able to do those things while, so to speak, I am dressed the part, but that ain't gonna happen. I told her I wanted to get a June Cleaver style apron. She laughed and said definitely not. She knows all about my gender issues, but doesn't want to have anything to do with it. That's OK. Life goes on. For me, doing the feminine role is more important than looking feminine. To me, gender is a role in society and if you serve that role then you are compliant with the gender, irrespective of how you dress. That said, dressing the part and doing the part is far better than just doing the part. For a gender fluid person, that is a tad on the binary side, but I don't think fences built between different forms of gender variance are at all useful. We can all pick and chose what suits us and fits our identity, whether the identity is only one and all the time or is so variable it is not really definable.

Gretchen

[Lana Mae]

Lorleah, I do not have an SO, she passed away in March 2015! I would say, ideally with an accepting wife/SO who allows and enjoys crossdressing of her spouse/SO, the chance to see both sides of her husband/SO. If bisexual or not , different sexual experiences. A girlfriend to go shopping with and have lunch together. It is mostly dependent on their relationship and what they work out! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[ChristinaK]

I am now retired but my wife still works. We have a complete gender role reversal. I do all of the housework, cooking, washing plus the yard, cars etc. If I were very masculine, the role reversal might be a serious problem. Instead, I get to wear nightgowns and robes all day, or dress up and go shopping.

I also do most of her and my daughters clothes shopping and my daughter and I love to window shop and get our nails done together. I'm better at putting together nice outfits for my daughter and I dress my wife much more colorfully and stylish than she would choose on her own.

[Leslie Langford]

O.K., I'll take the bait, although this seems to be a loaded question of the type where the answers seem so obvious that it is almost redundant to be asking it...kind of like all those earnest (?) scientific studies "proving" that a poor diet and eating junk food leads to obesity (Duh!).

What the ladies (above) have said,...and then some. I would encapsulate this whole discussion as follows, however: In my case, by fully accepting "Leslie" as being part of who I am - and recognizing that her presence formed a significant part of my character that not only made me unique but also caused her to fall in love with me - my wife could have enjoyed the benefits of having a husband and a BFF all rolled up into one all these years.

It's a missed opportunity that she will likely never come to fully appreciate. As Joni Mitchell once put it in her song Big Yellow Taxi ..."Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you’ve got till it’s gone..."

[Stephanie47]

I guess you're going to have Stephanie Julianna to expand on her thought. I went and read her response and others in that thread. I'm in a DADT marriage and it has been that way for the last thirty years. ChristinaK mimics my current status, although it is on hold during my wife's chemotherapy treatment. As a retiree when my wife was working I was doing as many of the domestic chores as possible, although I have gotten heck for not cleaning the bathrooms. When she was out of the house for seven hours a day I did slip into my June Cleaver mold and do all those chores en femme sans makeup, which takes too long to put on and remove. I also did all the chores outside the home en drab such as grocery shopping. Sure, I would love it if I was able to finish my day en femme rather than reverting to my male attire. A pat on the butt as I stir the spaghetti sauce? That would be nice. But, it isn't going to happen.

So, when it comes to being Helpful Hannah, there's nothing more I can do that I don't do. We do spend a lot of time together..more than most couples...because due to a problem with depth perception my wife does not drive.

Does Julianna imply she does not do any domestic chores, but, would be more than willing to do them attired as a French Maid? You have to ask her. Any issues of passive aggressive behavior. "Since you won't let me dress en femme, I'm not doing anything to help!" Stomp feet! Stomp feet! "I'm going to my room!" Slam the door shut! Sulk!

As a retiree for the last eight years I have had the opportunity to dress. I've even got out en femme in the evening when my wife has been out of town for a week or more. I've gotten the angst out of my system. Before retirement I'd say I was experiencing a lot of angst because Stephanie has provided a hiding place for me to escape some of my personal demons (all that combat PTSD crap from Nam). I suppose that angst combination of not being able to hide in Stephanie drove me with the encouragement of wife and daughter to seek counseling. I truly believe I would have been a lot better husband than I was if I was able to openly be Stephanie sometimes. But, I would never do that at the expense of my wife's feelings. My wife's disapproval is deeper than a "man in a dress."

I did not comment on the thread Stephanie Juliana made her statement, but, my life would have been a lot less complicated if I did not enjoy being en femme....Or maybe I would have been a total ass without her.

[Pat]

You know, in my mind's eye, I see Lorileah shaking up the soda bottle and setting it down in front of me... my response would be that my SO gets no advantage. I read the responses so far as positing that the advantage is that the SO gets a less mean, cranky, repressed version of yourselves. Not substantively different than suggesting that the reason someone should empty out their bank account and give it to you is that you'll be very happy.

[Lorileah]

You all know me. The question was open ended for a reason and the responses are as I expected.

So my background, As you are I was before. I used to beg, cajole and plead for my life to be 24/7 (OK caveat, I am transsexual, many of you aren't looking to live as a woman so there is that). Now, my wife was a wise woman. She "knew" I was at the least a crossdresser (never asked if I wanted to transition though). When I would say things like "If you let me wear a skirt I will _____ (cook clean dance a polka on a head of a pin)." her answer usually was "Why can't you cook clean dance without changing clothes?" She disliked shopping and especially disliked clothes shopping, so when she needed a dress or something for a special occasion, she just asked me to do the shopping for her. Usually she loved what I chose. As a GG she couldn't understand why doing these things in heels made any difference. Now, in my life, I don't either. I do wear those clothes and the work is still the work. It holds little satisfaction (so add, be careful what you wish for, you may get it and it is rarely what you expect it to be)

So, to expand on this soda bottle (Jeannie, you're funny :) ), when you say you would be a better lover, partner, friend, whatever. Why or how does the clothing keep you from or allow you to do that? Why can't you be a more loving partner without wearing women's clothing? Or why can't you cook or clean wearing jeans?

You see, I am asking because I don't understand it either. When I would try and bargain with my wife and her standard response came (BTW she always told me to wear what I wanted and as it turned out it was just as easy to NOT change than it was to get all dolled up and clean an oven) I could see her logic. Why are you a different person when you dress? Shouldn't you be the same person no matter what? Especially since the majority of women wear androgynous outfits to do the work they do. There is a reason, it's easier. Of if you would be a better lover, why are the clothes the nidus? You're usually in some sort of undress anyway. And fantasy is a huge part of love making, right? You can go there in your head. So, what magic do the clothes have? (and remember I played that game myself and in hind sight, in my case it wasn't needed. I get some here don't have that advantage).

No right answers or wrong answers. In my mind, when I shopped, I was who I am and shopped as I would have shopped dressed or not? My cooking didn't get better. My cleaning still sucked (and continues so). Maybe the clothes I have aren't the right ones?

[Jenniferathome]

Lorileah, I was a good husband and great father before I told my wife I was a cross dresser. Now I am a still a great father, but I am a great husband as well. The subtle difference is that whatever it was that was causing me to withhold this part of me was also causing me to withhold "other" parts of my emotions. The wall required to hide cross dressing also hid other positive parts of me.

Now, is that a "positive"? If I wasn't a cross dresser, would I have already been a great husband? I don't know. I do doubt there is much to "take advantage of" for wives.

[ClosetED]

I will take a stab at this, IMHO.
Of course it is all the state of mind the clothes help us achieve. A good way to see a point of view is to think of extreme example. Let us say the SO wanted you to dress and move as the hunchback of Notre Dame (or pick some other socially downcast person). Now go about your day doing your work. Will you enjoy your day and do your best? It seems unlikely, despite you still being the same person. You are forced into a mindset that is not who you internally feel yourself to be.
I cook and clean and grocery shop and I am the handyman and take out the trash. Would I do them so much better when dressed? Probably not the "masculine" tasks, but in my mind, doing the "feminine" tasks while dressed would make me do them with more enthusiasm. Generally gender neutral tasks, such as eating, watching a movie, would also have a bit of difference as we would likely see some feminine things even doing those - seeing polished nails when using utensils, lipstick on glass, hair in our eyes while watching.
Then, for those in DADT/don't want to see it, there is aspect of having to hide ourselves from the one we love the most. We are forced into play acting the macho man to make them happy, when I would rather be "girly" at times. It is not having to be hunchback, but still not the person we feel inside.
Just my views,
Hugs, Ellen

[sara66]

Lorileah,
I would never bribe or strong arm my wife into letting me dress when she is around. When or is she is ready then that will be the time. Otherwise it could cause resentment and make life difficult. I never thought that CDing would make me a better husband but now that I have been married for more than 10 year and wife is aware that I like women's clothing, I feel it allow me to be more aware of what is important to her. I do most of the cooking & a portion of other housework. As a couples we must work together for a strong relationship, I can't be just one sided.
Sara:2c:

[Acastina]

As I had replied in another thread, my wife thinks me being TG is a gift to her! She now has a live in girl friend that shops with her, does her nails and hair, talks about jewlery and fashion, and feelings of course. But above all we have this deep intimacy and emotional bond of friendship that is like being close sisters together. She had this with her own sister, but she passed away a number of years ago and now I am her best girlfriend!

Put me in this category as well. We happened to meet 16 years ago through the social activities of a Yahoo CD group. She met and fell in love with the girl months before she ever met the boy, and now, after 13 years of marriage, I may be looking at a transition. Just yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go out more locally with her, where we would be recognized; in other words, sort of come out without placing a formal announcement in the paper. :heehee: She's ready for whatever my answer might be, because she has seen both sides of me for a long time now and knows that I'm unhappy and often just going through the motions as a male. Our intimate life has evolved to a place where we're both satisfied and content with it, and she's noticed that I take more responsibility around the house when the girl is in charge.

So yes, she takes full advantage of my unique nature, as I do of hers.:)

[Lorileah]

So, when you are not dressed and out , you become antisocial and take on a different persona? Why can't you be a best friend instead of a best GIRLfriend?

[Gabby6790]

Lorileah, I was a good husband and great father before I told my wife I was a cross dresser. Now I am a still a great father, but I am a great husband as well. The subtle difference is that whatever it was that was causing me to withhold this part of me was also causing me to withhold "other" parts of my emotions. The wall required to hide cross dressing also hid other positive parts of me.

Now, is that a "positive"? If I wasn't a cross dresser, would I have already been a great husband? I don't know. I do doubt there is much to "take advantage of" for wives.


This pretty much sums it up. Although, I would say I am a good husband/father. I am also still in the closet with my SO but I feel if she did give full acceptance I would be a better person. I would also save money on potential therapy bills which I am sure I will need if I don't come out/get acceptance.

[Kandi Robbins]

I'm not sure it's an advantage, per se. But I do know that I have been extraordinarily happy and that happiness has strengthened our marriage.

My dressing is just a normal part of our lives now. I am going through some issues with my work schedule and we were just discussing it and I commented that I would not be able to go out (dress) as I have been and she agreed that that would not be acceptable.

Marriage is all about love. It is very difficult to give love when you don't love yourself. I now love myself and am so much more giving, selfless and communicative that I was before revealing my little secret.

Would my wife prefer that I not dress? Probably, but then again, so would I. But those aren't the cards I was dealt and we live with it and love each other.

[Sarah Louise]

My wife would rather I didn't dress but I think she likes that I'm calmer, that I enjoy going shopping with her and understand why she really, really, really needs another pair of shoes! She also seems to value my opinion on her clothes purchases now.

She'd rather I could do this and not dress though, but she accepts this is the way things are.

[StephanieM]

I don't see it as an advantage for her. In fact there are times I'm sure it's a huge pain in the neck. However her philosophy is, if it isn't hurting anyone and it makes me happy she will be supportive. I think occasionally it's fun for her, but for the most part it's just clothes and she runs around the house in what makes her comfortable and she gives me the same luxury.

Now as far as advantages of my feminine side she does benefit from me be extra caring and loving. And that is no matter how I'm dressed, I noticed it was asked why we can't do those things in drab, well I do no matter what I'm wearing.

[MissTee]

I'm told by my wife I'm little different dressed in drab or in femme. If I don't get a chance to dress in long period, she notices that the stress can overtake me and I will get "meaner." I see that, too. For whatever reason dressing helps me manage stress, and the by product is a less mean me. As to advantages, my wife says:
1. The killer cosmetic collection. I keep it well stocked and she never has to worry about buying any (or running out.)
2. There's always plenty of cute sleepwear and it's in great condition. If it pills or tears or fades, out it goes for me. She will hang onto it until it's unrecognizable as fabric.
3. Shoppping trips and the genuine companionship to spend hours picking and choosing styles.
4. Joint spa days
5. A Chick flick buddy
6. Her idea of an outfit is everything must match. I prefer mix and match patterns, colors, textures, and have a good eye for doing so. She says she lacks that, and I challenge her to be bolder (in a good way.)
7. Jewelry and bling. I like the shiny, sparkly, uber cute stuff and again, keep a nice supply on hand for her to "borrow."

[natalie_cheryl]

well, my wife often wears my clothes (the few that she fits m much larger than her) when she asks my opinion on clothes she knows i have some idea about fashion. i know a lot about make up and have even shown my wife a few things.

[sometimes_miss]

There are lots of little niceties that having a crossdresser for a husband offers, but few women would trade for those by having to picture their mate as a girly boy. Most women are turned off at the thought of a feminized male, not turned on. Add the potential thoughts of her husband behaving in a submissive manner and it pretty much completely screws up her sexual fantasies. The image of her husband in a frilly frock, giggling and putting on a pair of stockings with garters really isn't what most women have in mind when they daydream about a sexually charged afternoon delight.

[Acastina]

So, when you are not dressed and out , you become antisocial and take on a different persona? Why can't you be a best friend instead of a best GIRLfriend?

I'll assume from proximity in time and comment order that this was addressed to me?

No, not at all antisocial, just melancholy underneath a pleasant, practiced façade. Inhibited? Yes, somewhat at times, but outgoing in many situations, and I'm not sure that "different persona" means a lot here. I'm pretty androgynous either way, and I'm adding more and more feminine details to my male presentation (being a senior citizen and musician who definitely does not look like a linebacker with earrings), but they're still just hints.

I just want to be more real. The mask gets heavy, and I'm not as strong as I once was.